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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
Counterdependence: Why It's Hard to Ask for Help (and How to Heal)
Do you have a hard time asking for help? Hyper-independence actually creates more problems than it solves. Learn what counterdependence is, and how to grow beyond it.
Sooooo…I hit a deer. Actually, the deer hit me when he and his buddies just ran out from the trees onto the single lane I was driving.
(I’m fine, the deer’s fine, but my bumper is not.)
I put it in the shop to learn that, no, it’s not a single day job, and I gotta either be carless or take a rental.
Do I pay for a rental to just to commute to work, do I share my partner’s car, or do I ask for rides?
Here’s the (main) problem - I HATE asking for help.
…and so do a lot of the people I work with.
The reasons are plentiful:
“I don’t want to burden anyone.”
“I don’t want to rely on anyone.”
“I want to do it all.”
“I don’t need anybody.”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“I haven’t done anything to earn it.”
“What are they going to ask me in return?“
“I don’t know what I need.”
Obsessed with DIY
I live in a country that values independence to the point of even having a holiday for it. Rugged individualism, bootstrapping mentality, and strength without vulnerability are the treasured values here in the United States, and especially in the Silicon Valley.
Those who can’t do things for themselves are seen as weak, lesser, and immature. It’s as if it’s a crime to even have needs, let alone share them with others.
This is NOT being independent, but really counterdependent - being averse to needing anyone else.
Independence and dependence are neutral; they are neither inherently good or bad, but both are essential aspects of being human. There are some things we ought to do for ourselves, some things we ought to do for each other, and some things where it doesn’t really matter who does it, as long as it’s done.
(BTW, when someone overly does something for another that the latter ought to do for themselves, that’s codependent.)
Every human being is worthy of living in a smooth rhythm between dependence and independence. No one is better or worse than another. We are all equally capable of doing things for ourselves and others, and we are all worthy of being carried by others.
We all need and deserve to be interdependent.
How do I know whether I’m counterdependent?
Here are some questions to consider:
When was the last time you had someone else help you? (Was that deliberate or begrudgingly?)
Did that happen because you asked for it? (Did you have any other options otherwise?)
Would you have wanted to do it yourself? Why?
Do you have strong emotions (like guilt, anxiety, shame, or frustration) when someone else helps you? Do you feel lesser of a person or lesser than them? (What’s that about?)
Are your relationships balanced or lopsided? How often do you feel resentment towards others, or feel anxious on their behalf?
When you’re not managing or planning things, how tense do you get? How difficult is it for you to be present or enjoy things when someone else is in charge?
If you feel stressed even at the IDEA of relying on someone else, chances are you have a counterdependent stance.
Double-standards?
Who do you judge more harshly: yourself or others? Do you use the same or different standards? If not, why?
Judging others is already considered a no-no, but judging ourselves is sometimes considered a sign of maturity. Ironically, treating ourselves worse than we do others is also a manifestation of pride.
If I have higher standards on myself (as if I ought to be stronger, less weak, less “needy”), then I live as if I am/should be superhuman (only to judge myself as a subhuman when I can’t follow through).
(Read more about pride and shame.)
Any way we treat ourselves as NON-EQUAL with others leads to comparison, judgment, pride, and shame - all of these feed into reactivity, stress, and internal/external turmoil.
Equanimity (“equal” + “mind”/“life”), or having evenness of emotions or mental balance, is what we’re going for. The way to do that is to live in equality with others - no one is greater, no one is lesser.
How do I move towards interdependence?
Acknowledge the ways you REFUSE to be on an equal level with others.
If you put yourself in one-down positions (making yourself more helpless/vulnerable than others), step up. If you put yourself in one-up positions (making yourself better/stronger than others) step down.
If you resonate with being counterdependent (allergic to being helped), practice asking for (and really taking in) help.
Give room to the emotions that bubble up - don’t shove them back inside. Let them come, and move your body to release the energy out. (Better out than in!)
Learn new muscle memory as a fellow human being who is also worthy and who also has legitimate needs.
Those who’ve learned to be counterdependent grew up too quickly being a “grownup” for the majority of your life, skipping ever really being a kid.
If you find this to be super challenging, no judgment! There’s a good reason why your body is used to this. (This might be a great time to explore this in therapy and/or learn about your Enneagram type!)
Practice being innocent, tender, playful, and joyful like a child, despite the internal judgments of you being “selfish” or “childish” (chances are, you absorbed BS messages that belong to other people and aren’t yours to carry).
Practice being light, easy, and carefree. Allow yourself to be emotionally, physically, practically, and/or financially “carried” by those around you who (more often than you think) are wanting to care for you well.
(BTW - if you don’t explicitly tell others what you need, you’re leaving it up to THEM to fill in the blanks according to what makes the most sense to them. Most likely, they’ll be wrong, but that’s not particularly their fault. Don’t set them up to read your mind, because you’re setting up a LOSE-LOSE situation.)
Connect with your humanity and your equality with others. Live a life where YOU MATTER, TOO.
How can you ask for help this week?
(I asked for the two weeks my car was in the shop, and my relationships are the richer for it.)
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
3 Lessons Plants Taught Me
Here are 3 tips for how to take good care of yourself. (Hint: It’s not too different from what you already do or feel towards plants!)
I speak as if I’m a natural green thumb. I’m not. I’m genuinely surprised that my plants are still alive. I believe they lived this long DESPITE me, not BECAUSE of me.
At first, I got plants for my office as a way of bringing in more greenery into my space. (As a Highly Sensitive Person, I am easily impacted by my physical environment.)
Never did I imagine that tending to plants would a fantastic way of taming my autopilot tendencies to:
Be perfectionistic
Be anxious about what’s not going well or might go wrong
Overwork
Have difficulty sitting still
Live disconnected from the present
Seek intensity and novelty
Here are three things plants taught me about how to do my life differently.
Imperfect, but nonetheless worthy
No two plants are the same. No two leaves are the same. More often than not, you see asymmetry and imperfections of color, size, and shape.
Go outside and look at the trees, bushes, and flowers - if you’re looking for it, you will find blemishes, broken branches, and ways it could be “better”.
…So what? Plants are still beautiful and valuable as they are, and rarely do we think about how they’re so even though they’re imperfect.
You probably didn’t even notice those plants’ disfigurations all that much until you were prompted to look for them. You go about your day having enjoyed them, as if it’s not a problem, because it really isn’t.
Why do we place so much emphasis on ourselves and others as if perfection is what makes us worthy and acceptable?
See yourself as a plant. It is what it is, and it’s already beautiful.
Here’s a mantra for you:
I am how I am, and I am already good.
Are your needs met?
I get the main point of the idiom, “Bloom where you’re planted.” You’re to take advantage of the opportunities that your present circumstances provide and learn to be grateful.
That’s definitely an important skill to have in life, but as with all adages, there are limitations.
If you have an autopilot that makes things seem worse than they actually are, and if being critical and unhappy is your baseline, do practice blooming where you’re planted.
But useful also is the skill of attuning to yourself and knowing what works best for YOU. What works for one plant doesn’t work for another unless they have similar needs.
Some plants need direct lighting; others would shrivel if they’re in the same conditions. Some plants need frequent watering; others are susceptible to growing root rot (RIP my olive tree).
We are all individual and unique. Sure, we have some universal needs like food and sleep we share in common, but even in those things we have differences is how much or in what way.
Know your own distinct needs and take steps to meet them, rather than judging yourself for not “growing” or “performing” in the way someone else is. Both of you are neither inherently better or worse; y’all are who you are, you’re both worthy, and each of you have specific needs to flourish well.
Know thyself. Know thy needs.
Do an audit of what are your specific needs in these arenas:
Physical
Emotional
Relational
Environmental
Intellectual
Professional
Spiritual
Financial
What steps will you take this week to get these needs met?
Blame the bug, not the plant
Sometimes a plant languishes or is stunted in its growth because of pests that extract its valuable nutrients. When that happens, we are ready to see the pest (not the plant) as a problem, remove the parasites, and give the plant some good TLC so it can recover.
The same ought to be done about ourselves in some of our relationships, because there ARE people in our lives who operate like parasites.
In my therapy practice, I often work with people who are in one-sided relationships with parents, partners, friends, or coworkers who seek a “host” to exploit, meeting their own needs at the expense of my clients’. We explore the topics of emotional abuse, manipulation, power dynamics, resentment, dependency, and codependency.
Sometimes this exploitation is deliberate - the “parasite” consciously takes advantage of the other person or is vindictive, cruel, or petty with utter disregard for the recipients’ wellbeing. As Henry Cloud describes in his book, “Necessary Endings,” these are the “Evil Persons” who we must limit their access to us ASAP.
Then there are those who are accidentally exploitative as a byproduct of some other pattern. For example, when a person doesn’t take responsibility for meeting their own needs or see themselves as helpless, they create a power vacuum for someone else to step in for them.
(Imagine the kind of relationship between one housemate who doesn’t clean up after themselves and another who just can’t stand the mess. Or the imbalanced relationship between someone who cries at the thought of figuring out the internet and a family member whose heart string is pulled and calls the internet company for them.)
Are you a “host”?
The party who steps in often has a soft spot for others who are struggling, even if the pain is of their own making. Those who have a higher likelihood of being a “host” include:
Those who are conscientious, responsible, empathic types
Empaths, Highly Sensitive Persons
Enneagram 1s, 2s, 4s, 9s, and some other subtypes (all for different reasons)
Oldest siblings (especially women)
Children of immigrants
Those who are in caregiving roles or professions (teachers, therapists, nurses, etc.)
Those who live as if they’re hosts often:
Have a hard time knowing what they want and need (and ignore them)
Find it difficult to say “no”
Is scared of conflict or asking for help
Overly focus on what other people are needing
Feel guilty about taking care of themselves
Eventually, because the “hosts” have their own valid yet unmet needs, usually these imbalanced relationships leave them feeling fatigued, depleted, and resentful.
(In this case, resentment is very GOOD, as it signals the need for boundaries, reciprocity, and care.)
We ought not to judge the depleted host for being tired, but rather remove the exploitative agents. If you’re having a difficult time flourishing where you are, consider whether it might be because someone else is sapping your energy, time, resources, and money.
Remove the parasites ASAP (don’t let them grow), clear your environment of toxicity, and nourish yourself with what you specifically need.
(BTW - just to be clear, this is NOT about judging others for being LESS THAN, but rather holding them accountable for their own needs and actions. You providing them nourishment that they need to give to themselves is NOT helping them, but is ENABLING them in being dependent upon hosts. Win-lose relationships are LOSE-LOSE.)
I highly recommend you grab a copy of Henry Cloud’s book, Necessary Endings, so you know how to tend to yourself well by pruning away things that sap your strength and eliminating harmful influences.
How will you set boundaries with others this week?
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Nervous System Health: Stuck On & Stuck Off
When traumatic events throw healthy nervous systems off track, we can get into “stuck on” and “stuck off” modes, making it hard to balance between relaxed and alert. When we’re stuck in these modes, we fall back to our habitual reactive patterns. This post can help you determine if your nervous system is stuck “on” or “off.”
Not 1 but 3 Brains
This might be new information, but we don’t have ONE brain, we actually have THREE BRAINS.
We have the thinking, executive brain that plans things makes executive decisions and implements them, and can think in the past or far ahead.
We have our feeling and emotional brain, which is very relational. It tunes into other people’s facial expresses and cues and responds accordingly. It’s also the part that holds our emotions and big events in our lives, both harsh and great.
Finally, we have the bottom part of the brain that’s reflexive, called “lizard brain” that regulates all regulated aspects of our being—the things we have no control over, like pupil dilation, heart rate, blood flow, etc.
Give all the things going on in the world, the country, in our local areas, within our relationships, I wouldn’t be surprised if our bodies are being bombarded with all kinds of stress that it doesn’t know how to decompress from. Our habits of thinking, feeling, and doing are on hyperdrive as our bodies are trying to cope and survive.
Healthy Nervous System
Smooth Flow
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
This is a visual of what happens within our nervous systems. We have what’s called a “Sympathetic Nervous System” (SNS) at the peak, which is the activity and energizing focus dedicated part of our nervous systems where we are alert in the day, we’re trying to get things done, and we’re active. We’re increasing in activity and arousal (stress).
Then we have another part of our nervous system called the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS), which is when our bodies are the opposite—more relaxed, grounded, slow, and deliberate. Imagine having a big Thanksgiving meal and feeling super groggy afterward because you’re in a food coma. That’s the parasympathetic kicking in.
Throughout a normal day, our nervous systems are supposed to be in this particular window (normal range) where there’s a smooth and easy flow between the Sympathetic Nervous System as we wake up in the morning, stay alert in the day, and then after 1 or 2 o’clock hits and you feel the crash coming where you need an extra cup of coffee. Then another burst of energy that slowly tapers off as we finish the work day, to return home, veg for a bit, then do something stimulating (watching TV, hanging out with friends) until it’s time to hit the sack.
On > Off > On > Off - a rhythm that repeats throughout the day in a smooth curve. That’s what’s supposed to help us stay present and connected, not in our reactive autopilots.
(Our Enneagram types reveal what our reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing are.)
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
Nervous System Overload
Spikes between “Stuck On” and “Stuck Off”
We’re generally supposed to stay in the normal range. However, when we experience a very harsh situation, either a single, acute event or a chronic series of lower-grade events, it overloads our nervous system and we don’t know how to decompress or heal from that. That’s when we jump into the Un-Discharged Traumatic Stress System.
We can compare the sympathetic to parasympathetic flow of the normal range to how the event (or series of events) overload the system. There’s TOO MUCH STRESS going on and it’s not discharged, which means it’s stuck in our bodies and doesn’t know where to go.
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
Some of us may switch into what’s called “STUCK ON” where our nervous systems are on hyperdrive. The sympathetic nervous system—which is the alert and activity part—kicks in really hard, where the person is spinning in anxiety, they’re trying to be really active and get onto tasks. These tend to be the folks who push themselves really hard, have a hard time settling, spin into being hypervigilant, are very irritable, have digestive issues, etc.
Then there are some of us who go down into the “STUCK OFF” position in our nervous system. The systems shut down. People get really slow and sluggish, they have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, they have a hard time focusing because it requires so much energy which they don’t feel like they have, there’s very low activity in the body, low blood pressure, etc.
Some of us might go to the “stuck on” where we go into hyperdrive too long, sometimes people stay in “stuck off” position too long where it’s hard to get ourselves to do anything, whereas some people oscillate between “stuck on” and “stuck off” while completely skipping over the normal range window.
Stuck ON/OFF and Reactive Autopilot
When our bodies are so overloaded, we can’t help but kick into our reactive modes. Our bodies are trying to cope, trying to survive, trying to get by, and early on in life, those habits were super useful. But when we’re adults, those patterns don’t work in the ways that they were intended anymore. Sometimes they generate problems, like being hyperfocused and hyperalert has been useful for some time, but sometimes a person might be really irritable in that place and then they get into a fight with their partner, and now there’s yet another thing they have to deal with. When you are within the normal range, you should recognize a sense of choices and options rather than default reactions.
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
The goal is to find ways to come back within the normal range. When someone is “stuck on,” the goal is to try to find ways to down-regulate. If you have a hard time relaxing, it’s about finding ways to simplify things, do things deliberately more slowly, find ways to switch breathing zones (deep, belly breathing instead of the top chest, rapid breathing).
Find out ways you can take care of yourself, especially through this very stressful time with the pandemic. Not only are we experiencing very acute stressors that are very intense and out of nowhere, but we are also experiencing low-grade chronic, drawn-out stressors as well.
If you find yourself resonating with these experiences, you’re NOT ALONE and you’re NOT BROKEN. There’s nothing wrong with you, but it does mean that you’re HUMAN and your limits are actually good. It’s telling you now’s the time to limit all that you’re carrying and focus back on YOURSELF. To help you focus on the self and discover strategies to return to the normal range, check out my blogging series on self-care.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Who is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?
The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who has the four distinctive traits DOES: (D) Depth of Processing, (O) Overstimulation, (E) Emotional Reactivity & Empathy, and (S) Sensitivity to Subtle Stimuli. HSPs help our society become more empathic, reflective, and interconnected. Learn more about life as an HSP and their specific needs.
Who are Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)?
I don’t know about you, but I have been told many, many times that I am just too damn sensitive because my mood changes very often, or I notice the slightest changes in lighting or notice lint on the ground, and I can’t “just get over it.” So I’m here to talk about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) trait, and I’ll describe the four main distinctive features of the HSP.
HSPs comprise 20% of the population. That’s a BIG amount of people. It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a problem. But a lot of the challenges that HSPs like myself face is that technically, we’re in the minority. We’re the minority in a country and a context that’s not very kind to minorities, so often HSPs feel very misunderstood. They feel judged and shamed because they don’t fit the mold for what the rest of the population tends to experience just fine.
D.O.E.S.: The 4 Traits of HSPs
The acronym D-O-E-S, these four letters correspond with the traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs. So they are:
D is for DEPTH of processing.
O is for OVERSTIMULATION
E is for EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY and EMPATHY
S is for SENSITIVITY to subtle stimuli
D: DEPTH of Processing
HSPs tend to take in a lot more quality and quantity of information from the world around them. Imagine a person being a blu-ray imaging in a DVD world. Compared to the vast majority of the population, HSPs take in far more stimuli like what’s happening, sensory information, emotional information.
Not only do they take in a lot more quality and quantity of data, but they also run that through a very fine sieve internally. They are very deliberate, very thoughtful, very reflective and it takes a while. Usually, you can’t just throw information at them; HSPs usually need some time away to process and digest everything. They’re not as speedy as some of the rest of y’all might want HSPs to be.
O: OVERSTIMULATION
Due to Depth of Processing, HSPs often get OVERSTIMULATED. Because of all the stimuli that’s taken in from the outside and all the churning that’s happening on the inside, HSPs get overwhelmed very easily. As a result, the nervous system tends to shut down more, causing HPSs to overwhelm easily. Their minds get very fogged, their eyes glaze over, they are very frazzled and irritable. This happens not necessarily because they are angry, but they are trying to take in and digest all the stuff their bodies have absorbed from around them.
To deal with this, HSPs may need to have some dedicated time in very low-stimuli environments—silence, solitude, and stillness. They need to get away from all the noise and all the people. For myself, after a long day, I need to take a good 10-15 minutes with the lights off, in my room, by myself, under a weighted blanket. It helps my body come back online. So if HSPs withdraw, it might not necessarily be because they don’t want to talk to you, it might be because they are overwhelmed.
E: EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY + EMPATHY
I mentioned HSPs take in a lot of outside information. Part of that information is around EMOTIONS. Because they notice subtleties in facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, they’re able to pick up on the emotional cues of other people. This is not something they do on purpose. It’s very reflexive; it happens without them knowing it. But because they are attuned to the emotional feelings of other people, they might feel feelings about other people’s emotions, not just because they might sense some of the pain they are experiencing, but because if they see an angry or grumpy expression in someone else, their own nervous system starts responding accordingly.
Not only that, HSPs tend to be very reflective internally, so they can even notice the nuances in their own emotional experiences. Sometimes HSPs can have feelings about their own feelings, so they may find themselves in an emotional feedback loop. They start looking internally, and the more they focus on the different nuances of emotions, they build up like a snowball. All this focus on the details starts amplifying themselves, which is why HSPs are often seen as being very sensitive or very emotional.
S: SENSITIVITY to Subtle Stimuli
If you think about the 5 senses — sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing — HSPs pick up on those really readily. This is a great thing in some instances, like they are very good with the arts or aesthetics because they have a dedicated focus on making sure things are in good harmony or aligned well. This can also backfire, like noticing the scratchy tags on the back of the shirt or being really bothered that a particular picture frame is out of alignment, etc. The sensitivity can be a double-edged sword.
Resources for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Remember the 4 traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs, D-O-E-S (Depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity and empathy, and sensitivity to subtle stimuli). If all these 4 things (to varying degrees) resonate with you, there’s a good chance you might be a Highly Sensitive Person. Again, this is not a diagnosis. And HSPs are also different from each other, so you’ll resonate with these things on a spectrum.
The reason it’s important for people to know whether or not they are HSPs is because the things that the rest of the world needs for themselves as non-HSPs don’t always apply to HSPs. Being an HSP in a non-HSP-dominant environment presents some very difficult circumstances. I live in the Silicon Valley in the United States, and there is a high emphasis on being the best or having things be bigger, better, louder, faster. Those are values that don’t often align with the HSP trait. So, if that same person were to live in Japan or another country that is very HSP-friendly, those people will be celebrated, whereas, in this environment, they might have a really hard time.
Find out what your specific needs are because they MATTER. It’s just because they are often misunderstood, it may take a little bit longer for you. If you’re interested in HSPs, you can check out my resource page for HSPs or pick up a copy of the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, which is a fantastic resource. She also wrote some books that specifically serve HSP children and being in love as an HSP or with an HSP.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Life Timeline: A Bird's-Eye View of Your Life
As a follow-up exercise to the Top 10 Best/Worst Memories List, the Life Timeline helps you visually see what larger periods of your life were like and recognize what kinds of needs were and weren’t met.
Emotions Running into the Present
In my last blog post, Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life, we discussed how to identify common emotional themes in a Top 10 Memory List. This list will be helpful for the Life Timeline activity.
Like the Top 10 List, the Life Timeline will help us discover common themes among our strongest emotional memories, but in a visual form.
Refer to your own Top 10 List, like the example below for this activity.
How to Create a Life Timeline
Draw a horizontal line on paper and plot years on this line in increments of 2 to 5 years. This is the base of your Life Timeline.
Using your Top 10 Best Memory List, plot the positive memories (green) ABOVE the timeline.
From Top 10 Worst Memories List, plot the negative memories (orange) BELOW your timeline.
Then, plot the neutral life events (blue) in the middle, such as moving, the birth of a family member, or beginning college.
Evaluating the Life Timeline
As with your Top 10 Memory List, identify common themes that cut through various memories with a bird’s-eye view.
What themes stand out to you? (e.g., “When problems arise, I feel I have no one to turn to.”)
Did some of your best and worst memories take place around any neutral life events?
Did some of your best and worst memories happen during specific periods of your life? (e.g., during childhood or college.)
What underlying emotions or reactions emerge from these memories?
Which periods were generally positive? Which were generally difficult?
Do you notice any familiar patterns? (e.g., loneliness, work-related stress, etc.)
Are any people in your life connected to these patterns?
Now that you’ve considered the themes and patterns of your Life Timeline, color code the periods of your life that have a generally positive or negative emotional undercurrent. Which two or three emotions would you use to describe these periods?
Untying the Emotional Knots
The Life Timeline allows us to visualize some of our most pivotal memories by stretching them over our lives, connecting them to ages and other life events. This visual, bird’s-eye view helps us reconnect seemingly isolated memories into the emotional undercurrent of our lives. As we become more aware of how emotions tie into our memories, we can better anticipate our emotional responses to new events as they arise.
What you feel indicates what you need in order to untie these difficult emotional knots. Identifying these rigid patterns is the first step to clarifying your needs, which makes it easier to get them met. Refer to your discoveries today and allow them to guide you into creating a better future. Now that you’ve defined some of your needs, impactful moments, and emotional undercurrents, we can determine how these build into your behaviors, and how the behaviors of yourself and others in your life can be safe or unsafe. The “Safe People” blog will help gauge your connections and provide a foundation for healthy relationships.
How does your family of origin experiences & patterns shape how you live & love today?
Wanna map out your relationship dynamics as influenced by your family of origin? Check out this blog about genograms, the family tree’s fancy cousin that has so much more info than just who’s who!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life
Learn how to create and use the Top 10 Best/Worst Memory list so that you can better understand how the past influences your present and thereby intentionally design a better future.
The Past is Still Alive
Key moments and memories from years (even decades ago) can still influence our emotions, relationships, and self-esteem today. Memories build into the fabric of our lives, and while we likely interpret memories as “good” or “bad,” we are not always able to identify the themes behind those memories and discover which events could be causing trauma, anxiety, or other difficult emotions. This is where a Top 10 List comes in.
What is a Top 10 List?
The purpose of the Top 10 List is to view these memories as part of a whole rather than random, isolated moments in our lives. Odds are that many of your best memories and worst memories have similar underlying currents that still affect your emotions and relationships in present day. Once you’ve written out what may seem like independent, unrelated events on a single sheet of paper, you may be able to better see the common threads that are still being woven today, whether you like it or not.
For this activity, divide a lined piece of paper into two columns. On the left side, list your Top 10 Best Memories; on the right side, list your Top 10 Worst Memories. Jot just a line or two—enough for you to understand what the memory is—and list the age that this memory occurred. No need to write an essay about each memory - we only need a Table of Contents for your life to use as a reference guide.
Look at the example chart below to help jumpstart your own Top 10 lists. These memories might be about connection, breakups, leisure, achievements, loss, disappointments, etc. Give yourself enough time to explore your positive and negative emotions. You can jot these memories in a notebook or use the downloadable PDF chart.
How to Evaluate Your Memories
After making your list, see if you can identify some common themes among them.
What themes stand out? (e.g., “Even if I mess up, someone always has my back.”)
What seems to matter the most to you? (e.g., success, relationships, money, self-reliance)
Are there common emotions associated with these memories?
What are the positive emotions (e.g., pride, belonging, connection)?
What are the negative emotions (e.g., failure, shame, guilt)?
What pained you the most?
What did you need that you didn’t get? (e.g., comfort, rest, friendship)
What are some familiar patterns you’ve found yourself in? (e.g., friendship fallouts, loneliness, thwarted projects)
Now, think about how these emotions and themes carry into the present. Do these themes trigger you emotionally? For example, if many of your worst memories tie in with you failing, it wouldn’t be surprising that the fear of disappointing others still has a strong presence in your life today in your professional life, personal relationships, etc.
The Future is Not Yet Set: What Now?
The Top 10 List gives you a bird's eye view of your life so that, informed by your life narrative, you can intentionally weave the future in alignment with your wants and needs.
Now that you know what you know about yourself, what would you like to do differently going forward? Keep the same?
What are some stubborn patterns in your life that seem to repeat against your will? What do you need to do to get unstuck?
The first step at working through these knots is identifying the common threads as revealed by your emotions since what you FEEL reveals what you NEED. Then, you can take this to the next level and visualize these feelings and needs in the Life Timeline.
As you move forward this month, notice which emotions are stirred up, because the present is simultaneously the past in the making and a chance to design the future.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Enneagram Type Four: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Fours (Type 4s) often live life within their own internal world, which often leads them to be misunderstood. Read about what it’s like being a Type Four from Joanne, a therapist who specializes in working with Type Fours and their loved ones.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
I will be sharing about Type 4.
Here are other types posted in the series so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What Is it Like to be an Enneagram Four?
Anchored Inside
Enneagram Type Fours are strongly connected to their rich inner world of emotions and thoughts. The best thing about Fours is that they can be incredibly introspective, thoughtful, and focused on depth and meaning.
This can also be their worst trait, as they can get sucked into themselves to the point of getting disconnected from their outside world. Precisely when they might NEED to be connected to their outside world is when they might self-isolate and get stuck internally.
As withdrawn types, Fours can take refuge from the outside world by going into their “Four Cave,” or their inner world of ideals and fantasy.
When Fours have retreated more deeply, they can accidentally recycle perceptions and corresponding feelings about themselves, others, and life that are often skewed towards the negative. This is how their main emotional engines of shame and sadness show up. This negative feedback loop becomes increasingly intense the longer the Four stays internal.
Those who are in relationships with Fours often feel startled, confused, or overwhelmed by the sudden fluctuation and bursts of emotions, especially if the loved ones themselves are underpracticed in their own emotions. As a result, Fours are often erroneously labeled as being “TOO EMOTIONAL,” “TOO MESSED UP,” or “TOO SENSITIVE,” thereby leading the Four to withdraw in shame again.
Fours aren’t always intense because they WANT to be (though they can be intensity-junkies), but they might often accidentally find themselves doing so anyway especially if they haven’t yet learned alternative ways of being (for example, learning how to be okay with NOT being intense, learning how to be CONTENT).
To those who are NOT Fours, this may sound foreign, but the baseline experience for Enneagram Fours is change, flux, intensity, and chaos - which is how emotions often are. This means that Fours may often feel more antsy and stressed when things on the outside are going well because they’re really not accustomed to it, and feel more calm and balanced when the outside world matches their internal world of flux.
(Hence, during COVID, when life as we knew it got turned upside down and a ton of people understandingly experienced great distress, a lot of Fours I know felt incredibly grounded and calm. It’s as if the world finally caught up to how they feel and they finally feel “normal.”)
Self-Referencing
Fours often live life as if they are the main character in the story and others are extra, side NPCs (that’s non-player characters in gamer speak). Whereas other Enneagram Types (take Type Two or Nine for example) find it super easy to focus on others’ experiences and needs to the point of forgetting their own, Fours are the opposite: it takes deliberate effort for Fours to look outside themselves, and incredibly easy to connect with their own experiences and needs.
Self-referencing does NOT mean that Fours are selfish (that they matter more or are better than others). In fact, many Fours are incredibly self-sacrificing. Fours naturally overly see the world through their own eyes to the point where others’ own experiences just don’t occur to them.
They don’t MEAN TO forget others on purpose, but they END UP doing so. Their IMPACT may still be negative, but their INTENTIONS often are not.
Like a daisy, Fours go outside to experience the world (the petals) then come back inside themselves to process it (the center), then go back out with the meaning they drew, then come back in. Rinse and repeat.
As an example, often are the times in my life when I’ve felt really proud of myself for taking days off of work, only to realize that I planned those particular days off because they worked out for ME. It just didn’t occur to me until others around me (namely my spouse, family, and friends) explicitly told me that my days off also matter to and impact them. Whoops!!
Feeling-Dominant
Enneagram Fours live as if “I am what I FEEL”. They overidentify with their emotions, and it’s hard to NOT have feelings strongly influence how they experience and respond to what’s happening.
Fours are often FEELING > THINKING > DOING:
Their emotions tend to dominate their experiences,
Their thoughts are often in service of their emotions, and
Their actions are repressed (they don’t DO as much as they really need to).
The key to Fours getting unstuck from their negative emotional feedback loop might be the very thing they often don’t consider or ignore: TAKING ACTION.
When did you first realize you were Enneagram Type Four?
I was introduced to the Enneagram by Melinda Olsen (who’s writing the post about Type Twos). At first, I was thought to be other types because of how resembled caricatures of the different types. I was very heady (Five-ish), practical and efficient (One-ish), had issues with authority (Six-ish), and so on.
When I read through many of the Enneagram Type descriptions from a general internet search, I didn’t resonate with a lot of what I partially because I was very guarded. I bristled at the idea of personality systems because I didn’t want to be assumed or pigeonholed, assumed something I’m not. I considered myself to be the exception to the rule (which ironically is a characteristic belief of Type Fours).
Then I was introduced to Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram. This was the gamechanger. As a therapist herself, Beatrice focused on the behind-the-scene core motivations (needs & fears) of each Enneagram type, whereas a lot of other Enneagram resources tended to focus on what each type tends to DO (how they show up in the world).
I gravitated towards her description of the Type Four, which spoke to the dynamics I’ve described above and also to the core fear I DEFINITELY had around being abandoned or being misunderstood.
One reason it took me a long time for me to identify my type was that I was a “countertype” Four (Self-Preservation Four), which means I’m a Four that doesn’t look like how Fours are often portrayed. Self-Pres Fours often LOOK LIKE non-Fours, namely every other type. (More on subtypes and countertypes in a separate post.)
(BTW, if want to find your Type, check out their podcast, Enneagram 2.0, specifically Episodes 1 and 4.)
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Fours?
Because of their autopilot tendencies of self-referencing and being anchored internally, Fours are often considered to be selfish and narcissistic. A big misconception is that they think of themselves as greater than others.
More often than not, the opposite is the case: Enneagram Fours have as a strong internal engine the emotion of shame, the feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong, broken, or missing in them. It’s like there’s this big gaping hole inside themselves that they are trying to fill with whatever they feel, think, or do. They often struggle with feeling like they’re not enough, NOT that they’re all that.
At their best, Fours can be incredibly compassionate, considerate, and responsible. Their connection with their internal world of emotions is precisely the engine that powers their superpower of empathy. Because they’re so accustomed to their own internal fluctuation and pain, they can hang with others’ pain without being rattled and are able to validate others in ways that helps others feel seen, known, and understood for who they are and for their own unique individual experiences.
One Thing You’re Working on to Grow Beyond Your Type
I am working towards balancing out FEELING, THINKING, and DOING. As someone whose heart (FEELING) and head (THINKING) tend to be heavily emphasized, I am practicing reconnecting with my physical body (DOING). I am learning how to pay attention to what my body is feeling and needing (such as food or rest).
In tandem with this, I am also practicing TAKING ACTION, NOT because I’m in the mood for it, but INDEPENDENTLY of what I’m feeling. I’m stretching my ability to DO things because things just need to be done (duty, responsibility), not do it because I feel like it or avoid it because I don’t feel like it.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this Resonate?
What's Your New Year's Intention?
How can you set New Year’s intentions to serve as a compass to guide you in your personal growth and development?
COMPASS, not DESTINATION.
If you set a New Year's Resolution, chances are that you broke it by now, NOT because you're a failure, but because resolutions are outcomes-oriented and motivation-driven. You set a goal and have a burst of motivation in the beginning of the year to pursue it for a few days, a few weeks, MAYBE a few months.
But once that motivation dies out (or life throws a million things at you and you get overwhelmed), you've got no juice left to continue the race. Then you feel like a failure and give up altogether, 'cause "What's the point of trying? I'm going to mess up anyway."
Perhaps a New Year's INTENTION would be a better arrangement. Instead of a NY RESOLUTION, which is like trying to get from Point A to Point B and either succeeding or failing (you've reached your goal or you haven't), a New Year INTENTION is like using a COMPASS to move in a general direction. Instead of trying to achieve a certain outcome (e.g., “I will lose 50 lbs by next year”), what if you were to move towards, "I want to take good care of my body"?
Even if you "mess up" and get "lost", not knowing where you even are on the map, you've still got a compass to help you reorient yourself, point to your True North, and identify your next best steps.
Halfway through the year is not too late to set an intention, because time just keeps flowing anyway. Midyear is neither inherently better or worse than the beginning (or end): dates are arbitrarily set anyway. So how about you set an intention TODAY?
Some Questions to Guide Your New Year’s Intentions:
What kind of person do you want to become? Ex: I want to be someone who cares about justice. I want to be kinder on myself. I want to be a reader.
What character traits would you like to grow in? Ex: kindness, perseverance, patience, creativity, spontaneity.
What MATTERS to you that you’d like to intentionally care for? Ex: your relationships, your physical body, your emotional health, the local school system.
After you set your New Year’s intention, THEN find out what kinds of low-key, realistic baby steps you can take NOW that would help you move an inch in that direction. (The book, 'Atomic Habits' is a stellar resource!)
Can you find one small way to support someone in need right now?
How can you become a tiny bit kinder on yourself today?
Can you read a 2 minute blog during your lunch break?
When you take baby steps in a specific direction many (if not most (if not all)) days, you'll be much further along before you even know it.
COMPASS, not DESTINATION. What's your New Year's Intention?
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
How to Ground in Uncertain Times
When you’re feeling inundated with overwhelming information and emotions, grounding techniques can regulate your nervous system and help you stay focused. Here’s one technique to manage your anxiety and overwhelm.
Feeling Like You’re drowning in stress?
The COVID-19 global pandemic released a tsunami of changes throughout all levels of society. With the uncertainties that have been stirred up, to say that people are anxious is a severe understatement, and learning how to ground is a remedy for that.
So many people are:
Concerned about their own and their loved ones’ health
Worried about employment and income
Trying to figure out how to pay the bills and keep food on the table
Trying to prevent anyone in the family from killing each other
Trying to figure out how to just get by each day, let alone be productive or creative
Feeling deep shame from seeing others carry on with so much ease and fun
Feeling trapped and alone
Feeling grief and despair
If people have already suffered from depression, anxiety, and strained relationships before all of this, they may be feeling that they’re even more underwater during these times.
If you’re feeling inundated with overwhelming information and emotions, and numbness is the only way to keep sane during these times, grounding techniques can regulate your nervous system and help you stay in the present and focused to do whatever you need to do. Here is one of those techniques.
How to Ground:
Top 2, Bottom 2 +
The 5 Senses Method
Our thoughts and emotions can be everywhere and be about everything. Our bodies, however, can only be at one place at one time. Use your physical body to anchor yourself to the present.
What are Your Top 2/Bottom 2 Senses?
Check in with how you are with each of the five senses: sight, touch, hearing, taste, and smell.
Which are your Top 2 senses that you are MOST connected with and feel most readily stimulated/soothed? (Which senses do you feel the most bothered and/or comforted by?)
Which are your Bottom 2 senses that you are LEAST connected with and that takes the most effort to notice? (Which senses do you forget the most easily?)
USE YOUR TOP 2 TO GROUND:
Survey your living environment with your Top 2 senses in mind. What stands out to you, for better and for worse?
What objects aggravate you that you could replace with something that’s soothing?
How can you reduce what bothers you and increases what comforts you?
(This could also be abstract - for example, scheduling some face-to-face interactions at the end of the day may give your body some relief by offering something pleasant to look forward to.)Check the table below for some specific examples per sense.
Now that a more grounding environment has been created, focus on the Bottom 2 senses that you tend to not notice as often.
Use Your Bottom 2 to Ground:
Distraction is not always a bad thing! Intentionally distracting yourself when you feel overstimulated is a useful self-care skill.
Check the table below for some specific exercises to do to give your brain something else to focus on.
Looking to help your loved ones how to ground? Check out my next post.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
How Couples Stop Conflict (Part I): Stuck in Gridlock
Conflict is an important and inevitable part of a couple's mission to create a vibrant life together. However, some forms of conflict are helpful and constructive and lead to a WIN-WIN, whereas others are hurtful and unproductive and lead to a LOSE-LOSE. Are you finding yourself in a gridlock with your partner? Read more about how to get onto the same page with your partner.
The Primary Emotion of Conflict
The major engine that drives couples' conflict is NOT anger, but FEAR.
...of being alone, abandoned, unlovable
...of being unseen, invisible, insignificant
...of being vulnerable, rejected, hurt
...of the unknown or uncertainty
Anger is the emotion that often does show up when couples fight, but is usually one that comes up AFTER the fear center in the brain has already been activated. Anger and its explosively loud or deadly silent expressions reactively serve to protect and care for the self. Though well-intended, it is misguided; rarely does anger bring about the effects that each person seeks. Couples stop conflict by first acknowledging this emotion.
Why Conflict?
Conflict is itself not (automatically) a bad thing. In fact, it is unavoidable if the couple relationship has any chance of surviving and thriving, because it is simply the byproduct of two unique human beings joining to co-create a brand new, never-before-seen life.
Naturally, the couple will bump elbows and be inconvenienced by each other, but each disagreement serves as a wonderful (though not always pleasant) opportunity to intentionally craft the relationship to reflect their strengths and limitations.
Conflict works best when both parties fully show up and address the topic at hand. However, there are some habits that make conflict more unproductive and hurtful than constructive and beneficial. These habits are:
Fighting on the Wrong Page
Fighting at the Wrong Place (Part II)
When the Couple is on the "Wrong" Page
Many couples get stuck at a stalemate around certain topics, such as:
how to spend/save money
how many kids to have
whether to move to another city, state, or country
what church to go to
how to discipline the kids
When these hot-button topics are brought up, both sides dig their heels into the ground and resist the others' attempts to change their mind. Tension escalates, jaws and fists clench, stomachs churn, loaded words are thrown, reason disappears, and hearts are hurt. One person starts shutting down, while the other starts raising their voice. And on and on they go...
Eventually, both parties feel unheard, unvalued, misunderstood, unloved, and defeated. If subsequent attempts also fail, hopelessness takes root, putting the relationship at greater risk.
But what if neither is the villain? What if the couple is just on the wrong page, tuned into different channels? What if they really desire the same thing (a better life together), but just have different strategies on how to make that happen? This is how couples stop conflict.
How Couples Create Conflict: the Life of Jack and Jill
What happens if a couple attributes different meanings to the same topic?
Take finances, for example. Money means different things to different people:
Money as status/prestige
Money as security
Money as enjoyment
Money as control/power
Let's take a look at the relationship between Jack (who sees money as security) and Jill (who sees money as enjoyment).
To Jack, having a budget is all about having consistency, predictability, and order so that they can plan and implement big goals for their future life - having a house (or two), kids' college funds, medical coverage, retirement, etc. Jack feels reassured knowing how much money they are bringing in, how much they're saving, and where it's going.
Through his lens, Jill's spontaneous spending habits seem threatening. To protect his vision of their life together, he calls her careless and immature. When he sees her avoiding the conversation, he gets frustrated and resentful. He feels like she's intentionally draining the bucket he's desperately trying to fill.
To Jill, money is a tool that reduces stress and enhances the emotional quality of the relationship. Purchasing paintings to decorate their living room or getting couple massages is how she tries to create a restful, warm life together where they can enjoy each other's company.
Through her lens, Jack's structured spending habits seem cold, rigid, and rejecting of who she is. She initially responds to Jack's criticism by shutting down, and when she can't take it anymore, she lashes out and calls him a coldhearted Scrooge.
In the end, Jack feels misunderstood, dismissed, and villainized, while Jill feels deeply rejected and abandoned. The money issue is nowhere close to being resolved, and neither gets what they want.
Neither side is entirely in the right, but neither side is entirely in the wrong either. Because each side is so invested in seeing things his/her own way, they both miss the message that the partner actually wants the same thing that he/she does: to build a good, lasting, full life together. On the surface, it seems like they are fighting about finances, but they're actually fighting about different strategies to achieve the same vision.
Unfortunately, the end result of these kinds of conflict conversations is that the topic (finances) rarely gets resolved, while the relationship itself takes a huge hit. Although each person's strategies are legitimate in their own respective ways, they get misinterpreted by the partner as illegitimate, nonsensical, uncaring, etc. Thus, a practical, impersonal topic becomes deeply personal.
Action Step: How Couples Stop Conflict with Bird's-Eye
Does this sound like your relationship? Try this. The next time you get into this escalating deadlock with your partner, SAY OUT LOUD:
"Hey, I'm sensing that you and I are talking about the same topic (finances, parenting, etc.), but we're not on the same page. Can we take a step back and rewind a bit? I'd like to hear what this topic means to you and why you feel so strongly about it. Help me understand where you're coming from."
Notice what happens! Suspend judgment, and be curious.
Where does the conversation lead? Does it end up the exact same way it usually does? What's different?
What's it like to hear your partner share why this topic is so important to them?
What negative outcome is your partner hoping to avoid? What are they afraid of?
What positive outcome is your partner trying to create? What does are they excited for?
The goal of this detour is not to have another debate about the topic, because it's not really about the topic, but the personal MEANING behind it.
This kind of conversation is meant to SLOW DOWN the couple so that they can realize what kind of pattern they get caught in and learn more about each other at a deeper level. It's about cultivating EMPATHY, the ability to "enter into" another person's experience and see things from their point of view.
When both parties feel heard and understood, there's little need for them to use their reactive patterns to get their message across. This frees the couple up to actually brainstorm a creative solution.
Does this resonate with you?
Learn about the other stumbling block!
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, lMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Do Relationships Matter? (Part II)
Everyone needs a safe haven (where we can take off our masks and rest easy) and a secure base (where we can launch towards our significant dreams). However, safe havens and secure bases are not things we can provide for ourselves; we NEED each other.
Here are some reasons why relationships matter:
We are wired for connection. (in Part I)
Relationships foster healthy development & maturity. (in Part I)
Relationships are Safe Havens.
Relationships are Secure Bases.
(3) Relationships are Safe Havens.
Every day, we experience new and ongoing stressors that wear us down physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and relationally. When life throws straights or curveballs, we are not always ready to swing to hit a home run or even raise a bunt hit. Even the best athletes with high RBI need to rest and rejuvenate their muscles, lest they push their bodies past the limit and increase the risk of injury.
But what if all that's waiting at home for us is more chaos? What if we become the target of criticism, contempt, or blame as soon as we step foot into our home?
Or what if all that's waiting at home is more emptiness? What if we come home from a long day at work, only to spend the rest of the night in further isolation, wondering if any of this is worth it or whether our lives mean anything?
How can we recharge from the day's challenges and carry on if we are flooded with hostility or loneliness? Both would only enhance the pain and pressure we already experience from daily life.
However, what if we were greeted each day with hugs, thank yous, or encouraging or comforting words? What if we came home to friends or partners who asked what our day was like, acknowledged our struggles, and helped us remember who we are and why we're doing all we're doing?
These acts of connection may not directly eliminate the sources of our stress, but they would help us bear our weights and endure better. Closeness to loved ones helps buffer against the painful shocks of life so we can muster the energy and courage to go out again the next day and build a life full of meaning.
Our close relationships are our safe haven, a comforting place for us to return to that shelters us from the brutal elements of life. It provides refuge, giving us a chance to rest and regain our footing for the next day.
As Sue Johnson puts it in her book, Created for Connection:
"We all need someone to depend on, a loved one who can offer reliable emotional connection and comfort. This partnership is the natural antidote to humanity's greatest pain: being alone in the face of the uncertainty of life."
As mentioned in Part I, physical touch from loved ones (like a hug or back rub) activates the release of the "cuddle hormones" (oxytocin and vasopressin), which turn on the "reward center" of our brains. This in turn floods our physical bodies with dopamine (the calm and happy hormone) and dials down cortisol (the stress hormone). Deep connection with loved ones literally protects our bodies from absorbing the harmful stresses of life and helps us heal and recharge.
Why do relationships matter? Human beings are not meant to be alone. We all need close relationships to survive.
(4) Relationships are Secure Bases.
Not only are relationships absolutely essential for our survival, but they are also necessary for our "thrival." Every single one of us has unique giftings and callings on this earth, and our relationships are what activate, strengthen, support, and guide us to pursue our dreams.
Healthy, supportive relationships help us go much farther than we could ever go on our own. As finite, limited human beings, we can only attend to so many things with the little resources or energy we have. When we rely on each other and share our pool of tools, we can accomplish things much more easily, quickly, and effectively than if we were to reinvent the wheel in various areas of our lives.
Competition is focused on win-lose, or advancing oneself at the expense of other people. It involves short-term gains for the self, but brings about much greater long-term losses for the whole (lose-lose).
Cooperation is focused on win-win, or mutually supporting each other to pursue our respective goals. It involves short-term costs for the self (more inconvenience and waiting), but brings about much greater long-term gains for the whole.
There's a saying:
If you want to go fast, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.
Our significant relationships are our secure bases that launch us to pursue dreams much bigger than ourselves. With greater curiosity, courage, strength, and wisdom, we venture into the unknown to become who we are meant to be.
Why do relationships matter? Human beings are not meant to be stagnant or mediocre. We all need close relationships to thrive.
Relationships Matter, and They're Worth It Because...
We are wired for connection. (in Part I)
Relationships foster healthy development & maturity. (in Part I)
Relationships are Safe Havens.
Relationships are Secure Bases.
Yes, relationships are sometimes/often difficult, confusing, and messy. However, we just can't survive or thrive without deep connections. It's part of life, and it's wired into our biology.
Fortunately, you can create genuine, meaningful connection with loved ones.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Do Relationships Matter? (Duh...But Why?) (Part I)
Why are relationships important? Are they worth the pain and discomfort? Why? In Part I, we explore two of four reasons: we are neurobiologically wired for connection, and relationships are how we grow in maturity.
A month ago, I asked a room full of people, "Do relationships matter?" The audience heartily answered, "Of course!" But when I asked, "Why?" the room went silent. We instinctively know that relationships are an essential part of life, but rarely do we consider the specific reasons for why that's so.
Here are some of the reasons relationships matter:
We are wired for connection.
Relationships foster healthy development & maturity.
Relationships are Safe Havens. (in Part II)
Relationships are Secure Bases. (in Part II)
(1) We are wired for connection.
The ability to interact with and respond to other human beings is not originally a learned skill, but one that is actually built into our physical bodies, the brain being the primary organ. The human infant is a fantastic relater, even though he hasn't yet learned a single thing.
The physiological ("lizard") and emotional ("mammal") brains are fully developed before birth, allowing the newborn to summon and bond with his main source of survival (his mother). He expresses the full range of his emotions through a powerful cry, eliciting a tender, comforting response from his attachment figure.
The infant has no idea what he's doing and why; the cognitive brain that is the seat of logic and reason is barely existent at birth (and doesn't fully develop until he's 25 years old). He just does what his brain is wired to do: experience and express.
The mother may not initially know what the infant needs, but utilizes her cognitive brain (through observations and guesses) to comfort, nurture, and train her child to relate more effectively to others. She does so through a process called attunement - the ability to "tune into" another person's experiences through emotional cues and to respond accordingly.
The attunement process does not end with infancy, but continues throughout his life as he connects with others: other adults, his peers, his significant others, and his own children. Various features of his brain empower him to do so effectively:
Mirror neurons help him observe others around him; learn new skills by imitation; understand their experience, actions, emotions, and intentions (as if they were his own); and cultivate empathy.
The Broca's area (in the logical front/left brain) helps him put his thoughts and feelings into words. The Wernicke's area (in the back/left brain) helps him understand other peoples' communication.
Oxytocin and vasopressin, the "cuddle hormones" that are activated when he touches or holds his loved ones, help him connect deeply, and fosters commitment.
The human body/brain has features that are directly related to relationships, for better or for worse. While the parts listed above highlight the direct positive link between biology and relationships, the flip side is that the brain also interprets relational pain (such as rejection and exclusion from loved ones) as physical pain through the same neural circuits. Hence, the feelings of being "slapped in the face" or "stabbed in the heart" are not mere hyperbole.
Why do relationships matter? Because it's in our biology; it's how we're wired.
(2) Relationships foster healthy development & maturity.
If you list the characteristics of a healthy, mature person, these may come up: courage, compassion, wisdom, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These traits are universally recognized and celebrated as great qualities.
But how we get these things? Can we just desire to be loving? or wish to be good? How do we even know what wisdom or courage or gentleness are if we don't see examples of the opposite (namely foolishness, cowardice, or harshness)?
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). These traits are not inherent attributes of human beings (if you don't believe me, spend some time with a newborn), but character traits that are cultivated across time in the context of relationships.
A father learns patience when he gives his five-year-old more time to tie her shoes.
A kid learns joy that comes from sharing and playing with others.
A woman grows in gentleness when carefully thinks about how to talk to her friend about his habits.
A teen boy cultivates the boldness to ask a girl out through his parents' encouragement.
An teacher develops compassion as she learns how her students' home lives impact their studies.
Without relationships, most of these traits would have no opportunity to show up or be utilized. If we were loners on a deserted island, they would be meaningless. Life without relationships may be simpler, but it would not be worth living.
Why do relationships matter? Because that's how we grow. We become more of who we are meant to be through our connection with others.
To read Part II, click here.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Ready to build thriving relationships?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Three Ways to Connect with Your Partner
Here are three steps for you to create everyday moments of connection that strengthen your relationship so that you can create room enough for the both of you!
It's a few days shy of Valentine's Day, and of course, we're flooded with pink, red, and white everywhere we go. Such a lavish celebration of love begins 12:00am and ends 11:59pm on February 14. Once the clock strikes midnight, green and gold hit the shelves for a different Saint's day, and the doors to love lock shut until a whole 'nother year later. The day’s dedication to connect with your partner is over.
(Can you tell that I'm not a holiday person?)
My biggest beef with holidays is NOT that I'm opposed to the decorations and excitement per se, but that so many people jump through so many hoops to make that one day count while leaving the other 364 days hanging. It's as if that one fancy-schmancy dinner, card, flowers, and gift can offset the stress, the fighting, and the disconnection that so many couples experience the rest of the year.
By all means, DO celebrate Valentine's Day (and birthdays! and Thanksgiving! and New Year's!)! But please celebrate love on the other days of the year as well!
Three Ways To Connect with Your Partner
Is there a way for you to maintain connection with your significant other throughout the year without waiting for a special day? Is there a way to make each day special?
Why, yes! Here are three quick ways to turn every day into a Valentine's:
Nurture Fondness & Admiration
Be Your Partner's Safe Haven
Be Your Partner's Secure Base
How to Connect with Your Partner:
1) Nurture Fondness & Admiration
According to John Gottman, one of the leading marriage experts, the number one predictor of divorce is contempt - the disregard and disrespect for the other person that leaves him/her feeling despised and worthless. Contempt (which says, "What's wrong with you?") is a powerful toxin that erodes the relationship at the core; once this sets in as the norm, the relationship is in deep trouble.
The antidote to this potent poison is fondness and admiration - identifying and communicating what you value and appreciate about the other person, leaving him/her feeling seen, wanted, and loved. Fondness and admiration says, "I value all of who you are, your strengths and limitations, your beauty and your pain."
These two things are probably what led two people to fall in love in the first place, but are unfortunately also the very first things to disappear after the honeymoon phase, when their respective differences and flaws come to the surface. It is essential that this foundation be laid and reinforced regularly for the two to be each other's safe haven and secure base (more on this below).
So how do you "do" fondness and admiration?
Pick one character trait you appreciate about your partner (e.g., strength, playfulness, courage, vulnerability, kindness).
Think of one specific memory you have that demonstrates this.
Verbally say (or write) to your partner some variation of,
"I see your ___________ (trait) when you ________ (memory)."
Example: "I love how hospitable you are. Thank you for helping my friend feel welcome at the party."
This may be awkward at first, the but more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the more your partner will feel loved (and love in return!).
How to Connect with Your Partner:
2) Be Your Partner's Safe Haven
Life is hard. It really sucks sometimes. Every day, we all experience stress from different sources - work, parenting, finances, health, etc. - and express it in different ways - verbally, emotionally, physically, explicitly, implicitly.
After a long, heavy day, we reunite with our loved ones with the hope that, with them, we can show up as ourselves - without any masks, helmets, or shields that we used to protect ourselves throughout the day. We reconnect with our significant others with the expectation that we can find comfort, rest, solace, encouragement, and company. Our partners are supposed to be our safe haven, our refuge from life's harsh realities.
Unfortunately, for many couples, this is not the case. Some people:
spend longer hours at work because they dread coming home to a critical spouse or to the daily fights.
busy themselves in their career or their kids, because they don't want to feel alone or disappointed.
feel panic when their partners pull away from them, wondering whether they're having an affair.
In these cases, the very person who's supposed to be the safe haven becomes the source of pain. When there's no assurance of a loving, lasting bond, people resort to their survival modes of FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE, which more often than not makes things worse.
The best way to disrupt the escalating negative cycle is for YOU to be your partner's safe haven. Here are some ways how:
Listen when your partner is worried
Be attentive and help practically when the other is sick or exhausted
Ask about your partner's feelings and experience.
Provide non-sexual physical comfort (hold hands, rub back, hug, kiss on forehead) when your partner is feeling sad or hurt
One quick way to make this a normal part of your relationship is to ask your partner every day, "What was the most stressful part of your day? What do you need?" This one thing signals to your partner that you care about their well-being and will invite them to connect with you more deeply, more regularly.
How to Connect with Your Partner:
3) Be Your Partner's Secure Base
All of us have deeply embedded dreams that don't always have the chance to show up and shine. These dreams are stirrings within our hearts of what we can do, who we could become. We are boomerangs that are meant to be thrown. We are made to soar high and far, to return to the ones who launched us (safe haven!), to be thrown again, to be safely caught, so on. Tapping into this desire is the last way to connect with your partner.
Our significant others are the primary attachment figures (besides our parents) to assume this role. They are the ones who are supposed to:
know who we really are and who we really want to become.
know our deepest passions and summon them forth.
instill hope, courage, and strength so that we can go much further than we could go on our own.
remind us who we are when we forget
celebrate whatever victories we have.
be our number one fan.
Rather than waiting for your partner to be this for you, how can YOU first be the secure base for your partner? Ask your partner, "What have you been working towards today? Anything I can do to help?" This communicates to them that her values and dreams matter to you, and you want to help them get there.
How to "Make" Love Each Day
In summary, here are the three ways to connect with your partner and create a deeply loving, lasting bond that gets better each day:
Nurture Fondness & Admiration
"I appreciate how you _________." "I love that you __________. " "Thank you for _______."Be Your Partner's Safe Haven
"What was the most stressful part of your day? What do you need?"Be Your Partner's Secure Base
"What have you been working towards today? Anything I can do to help?"
Here's to a lifetime of love!
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Necessary Endings: Give Up to Move Forward
Though goodbyes are just as essential to life as hellos, many tend to avoid them for various reasons. Find out what reasons may be holding you back so you know how to move forward!
How I Learned to Give Up To Move Forward
Yet another year at an end. Yet another year about to begin. Another cycle of giving up to move forward.
As I reflect upon this past year, I remember both good and tough times, moments I laughed, cried, grew, and struggled.
For me, this year deviated from my life script that whatever I treasure will be taken from me. I’m no stranger to loss: I’ve lost dear friends, communities, homes, dreams, and parts of myself in traumatic, involuntary ways. To avoid future heartbreak, I fought hard to prevent them as much as possible, even to the point of not creating new bonds altogether.
Of course, this set me up to be hypervigilant, anxious, and wary of any signs of change, even good ones. Whenever transitions happened, I vacillated between anxiety and numbness to control how much my experiences would impact me, not realizing how these extremes would interfere with forward movement in my personal and professional life.
That was, until this year. Early this year, I quit my other job to devote all my attention towards building my therapy practice. It was a risky move to take, given that I had no safety net or any guarantee that this would work out or even be worth it. All I knew was:
I was exhausted from working more and more hours for less and less outcomes.
Despite my best efforts, things kept getting worse.
This position was increasingly deviating from my main profession as a therapist.
Thoughts and emotions about work was spilling over into my personal life.
Though I deeply wished that things would turn the corner, the prognosis was poor. I wrestled for months about whether to stay or to leave, as I haven’t had the best experience with endings. I feared that I would reexperience the same kinds of painful, negative consequences that I had before.
If only I had read Necessary Endings sooner.
Why People Avoid Endings
Henry Cloud, the same author of bestselling book Boundaries, wrote why endings are natural, essential, and strategic to our personal and professional development. However, we tend “avoid them or botch them”:
We hang on too long when we should end something now.
We do not know if an ending is actually necessary, or if “it” or “he” is fixable.
We are afraid of the unknown.
We fear confrontation.
We are afraid of hurting someone.
We are afraid of letting go and the sadness associated with an ending.
We do not possess the skills to execute the ending.
We do not even know the right words to use.
We have had too many and too painful endings in our personal history, so we avoid another one.
When they are forced upon us, we do not know how to process them, and we sink or flounder.
We do not learn from them, so we repeat the same mistakes over and over.
Of the eleven reasons listed above, I hit eight. Not ending things well cost me heavily in the long run. Fear kept me from pushing the EJECT button, prolonging pain and stunting growth. Fortunately, the ever-increasing frustration and depression I felt about work signaled that it was time for me to give up so that I could move forward onto the next stage of my growth.
Prune: Get Rid of Old Stuff to GROW
Roses don’t just spontaneously grow into their majestic form on their own; their bushes are methodically and carefully pruned so that they can reach their fullest potential.
So what exactly is pruning? It is “the process of proactive endings,” or the art and science of cutting away what does NOT belong to the optimal end goal.
Cloud describes three types of rose branches that the gardener prunes:
Healthy branches that are good but aren’t the best.
Sick branches that aren’t getting well, despite efforts to make them healthy.
Dead branches that are just taking up space and are interfering with other branches.
For the rosebush to thrive, all three categories of branches need to be cut. For us to thrive personally or professionally, we may need to look for and cut out the activities, commitments, materials and/or relationships that are:
Taking up limited resources that could more effectively go to another area,
Causing ongoing pain and have low prospects of improvement or change,
Unnecessarily cluttering our lives and decisions.
Elimination of these instances involves insight, commitment, action, and follow through. They will not happen on their own. We must give up to move forward. We can try to prolong these uncomfortable and effortful tasks as much as possible, but we may end up experiencing much more pain than is helpful.
Onto Bigger, Better, Blissfuller Things
I’m glad that I decided to pull the plug, as I would not have experienced the surge of growth and life that soon followed. The Monday after my last day of work, I sat down at my dinner table with a sketchpad and markers and began expressing whatever was locked deep inside of me. From the random jumble of words and pictures came the name and logo for my practice, OliveMe Counseling. Not long after, I created and launched the website that you are seeing now and have done seven workshops and seminars about topics I am deeply passionate about: emotional and relational health.
If I hadn’t ended my job, none of this would have happened the way that it did. Rather than reactively waiting for an ending to be done FOR me or TO me, I faced the fear, rode out the wave, and reaped its rewards. Though the process was terrifying and painful, I am proud that I went through with it. With this new experience, I am emboldened to identify other areas of my life that need to say NO to so that I can say YES to greater things.
Reflection:
What would you like to see happen in your personal, relational, or professional life? What’s keeping that from happening?
What are the (1) dead, (2) sick and not healing, and (3) good but not best branches you need to prune so you can thrive?
How can you prepare to end well?
What are prerequisite needs that need to be met first (e.g., encouragement, a plan, a firm kick in the ass, a session to destress) so that you can effectively go through with this?
My wish is for you to practice using your pruning shears so you can move forward with everything you’ve got.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
“The Mask”, featuring Jim Carrey, is a great movie that illustrates what the Enneagram types are like: masks (or personas) we don until we become so “fused” with them that we forget our true selves. Read this blog to learn about your mask!