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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
Counterdependence: Why It's Hard to Ask for Help (and How to Heal)
Do you have a hard time asking for help? Hyper-independence actually creates more problems than it solves. Learn what counterdependence is, and how to grow beyond it.
Sooooo…I hit a deer. Actually, the deer hit me when he and his buddies just ran out from the trees onto the single lane I was driving.
(I’m fine, the deer’s fine, but my bumper is not.)
I put it in the shop to learn that, no, it’s not a single day job, and I gotta either be carless or take a rental.
Do I pay for a rental to just to commute to work, do I share my partner’s car, or do I ask for rides?
Here’s the (main) problem - I HATE asking for help.
…and so do a lot of the people I work with.
The reasons are plentiful:
“I don’t want to burden anyone.”
“I don’t want to rely on anyone.”
“I want to do it all.”
“I don’t need anybody.”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“I haven’t done anything to earn it.”
“What are they going to ask me in return?“
“I don’t know what I need.”
Obsessed with DIY
I live in a country that values independence to the point of even having a holiday for it. Rugged individualism, bootstrapping mentality, and strength without vulnerability are the treasured values here in the United States, and especially in the Silicon Valley.
Those who can’t do things for themselves are seen as weak, lesser, and immature. It’s as if it’s a crime to even have needs, let alone share them with others.
This is NOT being independent, but really counterdependent - being averse to needing anyone else.
Independence and dependence are neutral; they are neither inherently good or bad, but both are essential aspects of being human. There are some things we ought to do for ourselves, some things we ought to do for each other, and some things where it doesn’t really matter who does it, as long as it’s done.
(BTW, when someone overly does something for another that the latter ought to do for themselves, that’s codependent.)
Every human being is worthy of living in a smooth rhythm between dependence and independence. No one is better or worse than another. We are all equally capable of doing things for ourselves and others, and we are all worthy of being carried by others.
We all need and deserve to be interdependent.
How do I know whether I’m counterdependent?
Here are some questions to consider:
When was the last time you had someone else help you? (Was that deliberate or begrudgingly?)
Did that happen because you asked for it? (Did you have any other options otherwise?)
Would you have wanted to do it yourself? Why?
Do you have strong emotions (like guilt, anxiety, shame, or frustration) when someone else helps you? Do you feel lesser of a person or lesser than them? (What’s that about?)
Are your relationships balanced or lopsided? How often do you feel resentment towards others, or feel anxious on their behalf?
When you’re not managing or planning things, how tense do you get? How difficult is it for you to be present or enjoy things when someone else is in charge?
If you feel stressed even at the IDEA of relying on someone else, chances are you have a counterdependent stance.
Double-standards?
Who do you judge more harshly: yourself or others? Do you use the same or different standards? If not, why?
Judging others is already considered a no-no, but judging ourselves is sometimes considered a sign of maturity. Ironically, treating ourselves worse than we do others is also a manifestation of pride.
If I have higher standards on myself (as if I ought to be stronger, less weak, less “needy”), then I live as if I am/should be superhuman (only to judge myself as a subhuman when I can’t follow through).
(Read more about pride and shame.)
Any way we treat ourselves as NON-EQUAL with others leads to comparison, judgment, pride, and shame - all of these feed into reactivity, stress, and internal/external turmoil.
Equanimity (“equal” + “mind”/“life”), or having evenness of emotions or mental balance, is what we’re going for. The way to do that is to live in equality with others - no one is greater, no one is lesser.
How do I move towards interdependence?
Acknowledge the ways you REFUSE to be on an equal level with others.
If you put yourself in one-down positions (making yourself more helpless/vulnerable than others), step up. If you put yourself in one-up positions (making yourself better/stronger than others) step down.
If you resonate with being counterdependent (allergic to being helped), practice asking for (and really taking in) help.
Give room to the emotions that bubble up - don’t shove them back inside. Let them come, and move your body to release the energy out. (Better out than in!)
Learn new muscle memory as a fellow human being who is also worthy and who also has legitimate needs.
Those who’ve learned to be counterdependent grew up too quickly being a “grownup” for the majority of your life, skipping ever really being a kid.
If you find this to be super challenging, no judgment! There’s a good reason why your body is used to this. (This might be a great time to explore this in therapy and/or learn about your Enneagram type!)
Practice being innocent, tender, playful, and joyful like a child, despite the internal judgments of you being “selfish” or “childish” (chances are, you absorbed BS messages that belong to other people and aren’t yours to carry).
Practice being light, easy, and carefree. Allow yourself to be emotionally, physically, practically, and/or financially “carried” by those around you who (more often than you think) are wanting to care for you well.
(BTW - if you don’t explicitly tell others what you need, you’re leaving it up to THEM to fill in the blanks according to what makes the most sense to them. Most likely, they’ll be wrong, but that’s not particularly their fault. Don’t set them up to read your mind, because you’re setting up a LOSE-LOSE situation.)
Connect with your humanity and your equality with others. Live a life where YOU MATTER, TOO.
How can you ask for help this week?
(I asked for the two weeks my car was in the shop, and my relationships are the richer for it.)
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
3 Lessons Plants Taught Me
Here are 3 tips for how to take good care of yourself. (Hint: It’s not too different from what you already do or feel towards plants!)
I speak as if I’m a natural green thumb. I’m not. I’m genuinely surprised that my plants are still alive. I believe they lived this long DESPITE me, not BECAUSE of me.
At first, I got plants for my office as a way of bringing in more greenery into my space. (As a Highly Sensitive Person, I am easily impacted by my physical environment.)
Never did I imagine that tending to plants would a fantastic way of taming my autopilot tendencies to:
Be perfectionistic
Be anxious about what’s not going well or might go wrong
Overwork
Have difficulty sitting still
Live disconnected from the present
Seek intensity and novelty
Here are three things plants taught me about how to do my life differently.
Imperfect, but nonetheless worthy
No two plants are the same. No two leaves are the same. More often than not, you see asymmetry and imperfections of color, size, and shape.
Go outside and look at the trees, bushes, and flowers - if you’re looking for it, you will find blemishes, broken branches, and ways it could be “better”.
…So what? Plants are still beautiful and valuable as they are, and rarely do we think about how they’re so even though they’re imperfect.
You probably didn’t even notice those plants’ disfigurations all that much until you were prompted to look for them. You go about your day having enjoyed them, as if it’s not a problem, because it really isn’t.
Why do we place so much emphasis on ourselves and others as if perfection is what makes us worthy and acceptable?
See yourself as a plant. It is what it is, and it’s already beautiful.
Here’s a mantra for you:
I am how I am, and I am already good.
Are your needs met?
I get the main point of the idiom, “Bloom where you’re planted.” You’re to take advantage of the opportunities that your present circumstances provide and learn to be grateful.
That’s definitely an important skill to have in life, but as with all adages, there are limitations.
If you have an autopilot that makes things seem worse than they actually are, and if being critical and unhappy is your baseline, do practice blooming where you’re planted.
But useful also is the skill of attuning to yourself and knowing what works best for YOU. What works for one plant doesn’t work for another unless they have similar needs.
Some plants need direct lighting; others would shrivel if they’re in the same conditions. Some plants need frequent watering; others are susceptible to growing root rot (RIP my olive tree).
We are all individual and unique. Sure, we have some universal needs like food and sleep we share in common, but even in those things we have differences is how much or in what way.
Know your own distinct needs and take steps to meet them, rather than judging yourself for not “growing” or “performing” in the way someone else is. Both of you are neither inherently better or worse; y’all are who you are, you’re both worthy, and each of you have specific needs to flourish well.
Know thyself. Know thy needs.
Do an audit of what are your specific needs in these arenas:
Physical
Emotional
Relational
Environmental
Intellectual
Professional
Spiritual
Financial
What steps will you take this week to get these needs met?
Blame the bug, not the plant
Sometimes a plant languishes or is stunted in its growth because of pests that extract its valuable nutrients. When that happens, we are ready to see the pest (not the plant) as a problem, remove the parasites, and give the plant some good TLC so it can recover.
The same ought to be done about ourselves in some of our relationships, because there ARE people in our lives who operate like parasites.
In my therapy practice, I often work with people who are in one-sided relationships with parents, partners, friends, or coworkers who seek a “host” to exploit, meeting their own needs at the expense of my clients’. We explore the topics of emotional abuse, manipulation, power dynamics, resentment, dependency, and codependency.
Sometimes this exploitation is deliberate - the “parasite” consciously takes advantage of the other person or is vindictive, cruel, or petty with utter disregard for the recipients’ wellbeing. As Henry Cloud describes in his book, “Necessary Endings,” these are the “Evil Persons” who we must limit their access to us ASAP.
Then there are those who are accidentally exploitative as a byproduct of some other pattern. For example, when a person doesn’t take responsibility for meeting their own needs or see themselves as helpless, they create a power vacuum for someone else to step in for them.
(Imagine the kind of relationship between one housemate who doesn’t clean up after themselves and another who just can’t stand the mess. Or the imbalanced relationship between someone who cries at the thought of figuring out the internet and a family member whose heart string is pulled and calls the internet company for them.)
Are you a “host”?
The party who steps in often has a soft spot for others who are struggling, even if the pain is of their own making. Those who have a higher likelihood of being a “host” include:
Those who are conscientious, responsible, empathic types
Empaths, Highly Sensitive Persons
Enneagram 1s, 2s, 4s, 9s, and some other subtypes (all for different reasons)
Oldest siblings (especially women)
Children of immigrants
Those who are in caregiving roles or professions (teachers, therapists, nurses, etc.)
Those who live as if they’re hosts often:
Have a hard time knowing what they want and need (and ignore them)
Find it difficult to say “no”
Is scared of conflict or asking for help
Overly focus on what other people are needing
Feel guilty about taking care of themselves
Eventually, because the “hosts” have their own valid yet unmet needs, usually these imbalanced relationships leave them feeling fatigued, depleted, and resentful.
(In this case, resentment is very GOOD, as it signals the need for boundaries, reciprocity, and care.)
We ought not to judge the depleted host for being tired, but rather remove the exploitative agents. If you’re having a difficult time flourishing where you are, consider whether it might be because someone else is sapping your energy, time, resources, and money.
Remove the parasites ASAP (don’t let them grow), clear your environment of toxicity, and nourish yourself with what you specifically need.
(BTW - just to be clear, this is NOT about judging others for being LESS THAN, but rather holding them accountable for their own needs and actions. You providing them nourishment that they need to give to themselves is NOT helping them, but is ENABLING them in being dependent upon hosts. Win-lose relationships are LOSE-LOSE.)
I highly recommend you grab a copy of Henry Cloud’s book, Necessary Endings, so you know how to tend to yourself well by pruning away things that sap your strength and eliminating harmful influences.
How will you set boundaries with others this week?
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
What is Compatibility?
We all want to date someone we’re compatible with, but what does “compatible” really mean? It’s actually NOT about finding someone who is a good fit, someone with whom everything is simple, easy, and fun. Learn more about true compatibility that really is the bedrock of vibrant relationships!
Am I Compatible with the Person I’m Dating?
I live in the Silicon Valley, there are tons of young professionals in the area, and one big topic that’s on a lot of people’s minds is around relationships. “Whom am I going to date? Whom am I going to spend the rest of my life with? Whom am I going to buy a house with?”
Either through online dating apps OKCupid or Coffee Meets Bagel, or asking around from friends and family members, “Can you set me up with somebody?” A lot of people are thinking, “Is this person that I’m considering a fit? A COMPATIBLE fit?” The topic of compatibility is a big thing that comes up.
What Does “Compatible” Mean?
Generally, the way that the word “compatibility” is understood is that “this person and I are going to jive well together.” But I did some digging in dictionary.com the other day to find out what the word ACTUALLY means. I learned that in the Latin form, it doesn’t mean that this person and I are the right fit, but it means that we learn how to STRUGGLE together.
The root “com” means together
“Bility” means ability
“Pati” in the middle literally means “pain.”
Why is Compatibility Important?
Contrary to what a lot of people assume to mean about compatibility, if you want to find someone who is a good, compatible match, you want to make sure that YOU are someone who is doing your own personal work, and that you’re willing to find someone who is also doing the same for themself.
The reason why this is the case is because most likely, one or both of you are going to change at some point. Just because they are a good fit now, doesn’t mean you’re going to be a fit for the long haul. So, if both of you don’t know how to make adjustments as you change or grow, the relationship is going to experience more strain down the line.
So again, I want you to find someone who is compatible, but also someone who is willing to do the work. If you want to know how you can do your own portion of it, I have a bunch of blogs around relationships and personal development to help you get started on your own journey.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Radical Candor: Balancing Regard for Self and Others
Do you feel like your needs don’t matter, despite how much you do for others? Learn how to move towards radical candor, a relationship stance that creates room in the relationship big enough for both yourself and others.
Healthy Relationships Start with BALANCE
Connection with others varies from person to person. Sometimes you give more to the relationship, sometimes you might give less. Sometimes the relationship exists without much contribution from either party.
But the strongest relationships form when BOTH you and the other person make room for BOTH of your needs & wants. One person is not inherently more important than the other.
What makes this reciprocity possible? The ability to clearly and directly advocate for yourself while considering the well-being of both yourself and the other — what Kim Scott calls “Radical Candor”.
In this book, Scott outlines the four types of relationships defined by the balance or imbalance of self and others.
The 4 Relationship Quadrants
Kim Scott illustrates the four relationship types in an XY grid, where the X-axis represents care or regard for the self, and the Y-axis represents care or regard for others. When relationships have an imbalance of care for yourself or others, it can create relationships with conflict, resentment, shame, and inauthenticity. Learning which quadrants on the graph your relationships fall into can help you pinpoint areas to work on in order to achieve a balanced relationship that actively creates enough space for BOTH yourself and others.
Obnoxious Aggression
This relationship type falls into the bottom-right quadrant, reflecting a relationship with high regard for the self and little regard for others.
Characteristics:
Bully types or bossy.
Steamroll through relationships.
Don’t take feedback (e.g., disregard feedback or refuse to listen to feedback).
Unnecessarily aggressive (e.g., seem to look for challenges or accidentally challenge others often).
Rely on their power over others.
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to consider others/increase care for others. (E.g., practice reflecting on how others may interpret your words and tone. Will saying X hurt their feelings?)
Directly ask for feedback and respond to it for course-correction. (E.g., invite others to give you feedback. “How could I have addressed this better?” Consciously listen and implement feedback.)
Understand others are different from you. (E.g., not everyone has the ability to know their own needs as well as you do. Give people the space to understand theirs and feel safe to ask for your support.)
Don’t expect others to act as you do. (E.g., a person may not be able to stand up for themselves as you can.)
Manipulative Insincerity
This quadrant lies in the bottom left of the graph, depicting a relationship with regard for neither the self or others.
Characteristics:
Gossipers.
Show up in certain circles but do something else entirely different behind the scenes. (E.g., fulfills work roles adequately on the surface and disrupts working relationships with gossip amongst co-workers.)
Very surprising or mysterious. (E.g., others usually can tell where these people stand and their insincerity is not a complete shock. You can probably think of a few people like this in your workplace or social circles right now.)
Hard to read.
Interacting with these people might tense up the body.
Have a plastered/plastic smile with no “evidence” of what they are doing wrong. (E.g., appear friendly but inauthentic, and it is unclear why they appear inauthentic because there is no evidence of it.)
Use power indirectly. (E.g., guilt-tripping, gossiping, making fun of others, challenging the character of others, dismissive, etc.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to be direct with communication. (E.g., avoid using indirect means of power like guilt-tripping and dismissiveness.)
Learn how to state their own needs.
Honor and respect the other person. (People are different from each other and each deserves respect.)
Give information directly to avoid confusion or self-doubt from other parties. (E.g., instead of guilt-tripping a roommate to help with chores, tell them you need help maintaining the house upkeep.)
Ruinous Empathy
This person falls into the top left quadrant, where a person gives too much emphasis to others and not enough to the self. Most of my clients fall into this quadrant.
Characteristics:
Filled with guilt, anxiety, shame.
Have an allergic reaction to anger/highly sensitive people.
Overdo their empathy. (Empathy CAN be overdone and is not automatically a good thing.)
Empathy goes too far and leaves no room for the self.
On the surface, they are kind, serving, empathetic people, but this happens with an engine of shame behind the scenes. (E.g., shame may motivate a person to serve others because they feel like they are not enough.)
Overly extending self to others leads to burnout easily and creates a shame spiral. (E.g., “I should be able to do better,” self-judgment for “selfishness.”)
Can cultivate resentment when there is not enough time for oneself. (Resentment often shows up with guilt, and people may have a difficult time noticing and/or acknowledging this.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Must learn how to care for themselves as much as others. (This will feel selfish at first because you’ve been trained to center on others, but it is NOT selfish, it’s SELF-CARING. In order to deeply care for others well, you must care for yourself; otherwise, acts are tainted with resentment, guilt, and shame.)
Practice anger. (Let yourself feel angry and hurt. These emotions are not selfish to have.)
Practice self-care and self-compassion.
Do things that at first trigger a sense of guilt and shame—this indicates you are going in the right direction. (E.g., be honest about your needs and explain to your loved ones when they do something that upsets you. This will trigger a sense of guilt/shame at first, but these are necessary steps for balancing your relationship and moving into radical candor.)
Radical Candor
This is the ideal place for a relationship. In the top-right quadrant, this represents an equal balance between the self and others.
Characteristics:
Able to create balance where you know others matter just as much as you do, and you matter just as much as others.
Are able to speak up for their own needs.
Speaking the truth kindly but directly.
Intentionally addresses issues instead of skirting around problems.
Reaching Radical Candor
Moving into the quadrant of radical candor can be very difficult for some people. Being assertive about your own needs can be scary if you have trouble putting yourself out there or if you are scared of the negative reactions from others, but it is necessary work for strong relationships. When you consciously and directly address issues in the relationship or clearly communicate your needs, you give the other person a chance to repair and address these issues and needs. Waiting for others to fulfill needs and address issues that you skirt around or avoid speaking about lays the groundwork for an imbalanced relationship and resentment.
As you navigate your work and social life in the coming weeks, evaluate your relationships and see if you can identify which quadrant(s) you fall into. Is there a balance between yourself and others? From there, you can work towards achieving radical candor in your relationships.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Do Relationships Matter? (Part II)
Everyone needs a safe haven (where we can take off our masks and rest easy) and a secure base (where we can launch towards our significant dreams). However, safe havens and secure bases are not things we can provide for ourselves; we NEED each other.
Here are some reasons why relationships matter:
We are wired for connection. (in Part I)
Relationships foster healthy development & maturity. (in Part I)
Relationships are Safe Havens.
Relationships are Secure Bases.
(3) Relationships are Safe Havens.
Every day, we experience new and ongoing stressors that wear us down physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and relationally. When life throws straights or curveballs, we are not always ready to swing to hit a home run or even raise a bunt hit. Even the best athletes with high RBI need to rest and rejuvenate their muscles, lest they push their bodies past the limit and increase the risk of injury.
But what if all that's waiting at home for us is more chaos? What if we become the target of criticism, contempt, or blame as soon as we step foot into our home?
Or what if all that's waiting at home is more emptiness? What if we come home from a long day at work, only to spend the rest of the night in further isolation, wondering if any of this is worth it or whether our lives mean anything?
How can we recharge from the day's challenges and carry on if we are flooded with hostility or loneliness? Both would only enhance the pain and pressure we already experience from daily life.
However, what if we were greeted each day with hugs, thank yous, or encouraging or comforting words? What if we came home to friends or partners who asked what our day was like, acknowledged our struggles, and helped us remember who we are and why we're doing all we're doing?
These acts of connection may not directly eliminate the sources of our stress, but they would help us bear our weights and endure better. Closeness to loved ones helps buffer against the painful shocks of life so we can muster the energy and courage to go out again the next day and build a life full of meaning.
Our close relationships are our safe haven, a comforting place for us to return to that shelters us from the brutal elements of life. It provides refuge, giving us a chance to rest and regain our footing for the next day.
As Sue Johnson puts it in her book, Created for Connection:
"We all need someone to depend on, a loved one who can offer reliable emotional connection and comfort. This partnership is the natural antidote to humanity's greatest pain: being alone in the face of the uncertainty of life."
As mentioned in Part I, physical touch from loved ones (like a hug or back rub) activates the release of the "cuddle hormones" (oxytocin and vasopressin), which turn on the "reward center" of our brains. This in turn floods our physical bodies with dopamine (the calm and happy hormone) and dials down cortisol (the stress hormone). Deep connection with loved ones literally protects our bodies from absorbing the harmful stresses of life and helps us heal and recharge.
Why do relationships matter? Human beings are not meant to be alone. We all need close relationships to survive.
(4) Relationships are Secure Bases.
Not only are relationships absolutely essential for our survival, but they are also necessary for our "thrival." Every single one of us has unique giftings and callings on this earth, and our relationships are what activate, strengthen, support, and guide us to pursue our dreams.
Healthy, supportive relationships help us go much farther than we could ever go on our own. As finite, limited human beings, we can only attend to so many things with the little resources or energy we have. When we rely on each other and share our pool of tools, we can accomplish things much more easily, quickly, and effectively than if we were to reinvent the wheel in various areas of our lives.
Competition is focused on win-lose, or advancing oneself at the expense of other people. It involves short-term gains for the self, but brings about much greater long-term losses for the whole (lose-lose).
Cooperation is focused on win-win, or mutually supporting each other to pursue our respective goals. It involves short-term costs for the self (more inconvenience and waiting), but brings about much greater long-term gains for the whole.
There's a saying:
If you want to go fast, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.
Our significant relationships are our secure bases that launch us to pursue dreams much bigger than ourselves. With greater curiosity, courage, strength, and wisdom, we venture into the unknown to become who we are meant to be.
Why do relationships matter? Human beings are not meant to be stagnant or mediocre. We all need close relationships to thrive.
Relationships Matter, and They're Worth It Because...
We are wired for connection. (in Part I)
Relationships foster healthy development & maturity. (in Part I)
Relationships are Safe Havens.
Relationships are Secure Bases.
Yes, relationships are sometimes/often difficult, confusing, and messy. However, we just can't survive or thrive without deep connections. It's part of life, and it's wired into our biology.
Fortunately, you can create genuine, meaningful connection with loved ones.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Do Relationships Matter? (Duh...But Why?) (Part I)
Why are relationships important? Are they worth the pain and discomfort? Why? In Part I, we explore two of four reasons: we are neurobiologically wired for connection, and relationships are how we grow in maturity.
A month ago, I asked a room full of people, "Do relationships matter?" The audience heartily answered, "Of course!" But when I asked, "Why?" the room went silent. We instinctively know that relationships are an essential part of life, but rarely do we consider the specific reasons for why that's so.
Here are some of the reasons relationships matter:
We are wired for connection.
Relationships foster healthy development & maturity.
Relationships are Safe Havens. (in Part II)
Relationships are Secure Bases. (in Part II)
(1) We are wired for connection.
The ability to interact with and respond to other human beings is not originally a learned skill, but one that is actually built into our physical bodies, the brain being the primary organ. The human infant is a fantastic relater, even though he hasn't yet learned a single thing.
The physiological ("lizard") and emotional ("mammal") brains are fully developed before birth, allowing the newborn to summon and bond with his main source of survival (his mother). He expresses the full range of his emotions through a powerful cry, eliciting a tender, comforting response from his attachment figure.
The infant has no idea what he's doing and why; the cognitive brain that is the seat of logic and reason is barely existent at birth (and doesn't fully develop until he's 25 years old). He just does what his brain is wired to do: experience and express.
The mother may not initially know what the infant needs, but utilizes her cognitive brain (through observations and guesses) to comfort, nurture, and train her child to relate more effectively to others. She does so through a process called attunement - the ability to "tune into" another person's experiences through emotional cues and to respond accordingly.
The attunement process does not end with infancy, but continues throughout his life as he connects with others: other adults, his peers, his significant others, and his own children. Various features of his brain empower him to do so effectively:
Mirror neurons help him observe others around him; learn new skills by imitation; understand their experience, actions, emotions, and intentions (as if they were his own); and cultivate empathy.
The Broca's area (in the logical front/left brain) helps him put his thoughts and feelings into words. The Wernicke's area (in the back/left brain) helps him understand other peoples' communication.
Oxytocin and vasopressin, the "cuddle hormones" that are activated when he touches or holds his loved ones, help him connect deeply, and fosters commitment.
The human body/brain has features that are directly related to relationships, for better or for worse. While the parts listed above highlight the direct positive link between biology and relationships, the flip side is that the brain also interprets relational pain (such as rejection and exclusion from loved ones) as physical pain through the same neural circuits. Hence, the feelings of being "slapped in the face" or "stabbed in the heart" are not mere hyperbole.
Why do relationships matter? Because it's in our biology; it's how we're wired.
(2) Relationships foster healthy development & maturity.
If you list the characteristics of a healthy, mature person, these may come up: courage, compassion, wisdom, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These traits are universally recognized and celebrated as great qualities.
But how we get these things? Can we just desire to be loving? or wish to be good? How do we even know what wisdom or courage or gentleness are if we don't see examples of the opposite (namely foolishness, cowardice, or harshness)?
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). These traits are not inherent attributes of human beings (if you don't believe me, spend some time with a newborn), but character traits that are cultivated across time in the context of relationships.
A father learns patience when he gives his five-year-old more time to tie her shoes.
A kid learns joy that comes from sharing and playing with others.
A woman grows in gentleness when carefully thinks about how to talk to her friend about his habits.
A teen boy cultivates the boldness to ask a girl out through his parents' encouragement.
An teacher develops compassion as she learns how her students' home lives impact their studies.
Without relationships, most of these traits would have no opportunity to show up or be utilized. If we were loners on a deserted island, they would be meaningless. Life without relationships may be simpler, but it would not be worth living.
Why do relationships matter? Because that's how we grow. We become more of who we are meant to be through our connection with others.
To read Part II, click here.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Ready to build thriving relationships?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Three Ways to Connect with Your Partner
Here are three steps for you to create everyday moments of connection that strengthen your relationship so that you can create room enough for the both of you!
It's a few days shy of Valentine's Day, and of course, we're flooded with pink, red, and white everywhere we go. Such a lavish celebration of love begins 12:00am and ends 11:59pm on February 14. Once the clock strikes midnight, green and gold hit the shelves for a different Saint's day, and the doors to love lock shut until a whole 'nother year later. The day’s dedication to connect with your partner is over.
(Can you tell that I'm not a holiday person?)
My biggest beef with holidays is NOT that I'm opposed to the decorations and excitement per se, but that so many people jump through so many hoops to make that one day count while leaving the other 364 days hanging. It's as if that one fancy-schmancy dinner, card, flowers, and gift can offset the stress, the fighting, and the disconnection that so many couples experience the rest of the year.
By all means, DO celebrate Valentine's Day (and birthdays! and Thanksgiving! and New Year's!)! But please celebrate love on the other days of the year as well!
Three Ways To Connect with Your Partner
Is there a way for you to maintain connection with your significant other throughout the year without waiting for a special day? Is there a way to make each day special?
Why, yes! Here are three quick ways to turn every day into a Valentine's:
Nurture Fondness & Admiration
Be Your Partner's Safe Haven
Be Your Partner's Secure Base
How to Connect with Your Partner:
1) Nurture Fondness & Admiration
According to John Gottman, one of the leading marriage experts, the number one predictor of divorce is contempt - the disregard and disrespect for the other person that leaves him/her feeling despised and worthless. Contempt (which says, "What's wrong with you?") is a powerful toxin that erodes the relationship at the core; once this sets in as the norm, the relationship is in deep trouble.
The antidote to this potent poison is fondness and admiration - identifying and communicating what you value and appreciate about the other person, leaving him/her feeling seen, wanted, and loved. Fondness and admiration says, "I value all of who you are, your strengths and limitations, your beauty and your pain."
These two things are probably what led two people to fall in love in the first place, but are unfortunately also the very first things to disappear after the honeymoon phase, when their respective differences and flaws come to the surface. It is essential that this foundation be laid and reinforced regularly for the two to be each other's safe haven and secure base (more on this below).
So how do you "do" fondness and admiration?
Pick one character trait you appreciate about your partner (e.g., strength, playfulness, courage, vulnerability, kindness).
Think of one specific memory you have that demonstrates this.
Verbally say (or write) to your partner some variation of,
"I see your ___________ (trait) when you ________ (memory)."
Example: "I love how hospitable you are. Thank you for helping my friend feel welcome at the party."
This may be awkward at first, the but more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the more your partner will feel loved (and love in return!).
How to Connect with Your Partner:
2) Be Your Partner's Safe Haven
Life is hard. It really sucks sometimes. Every day, we all experience stress from different sources - work, parenting, finances, health, etc. - and express it in different ways - verbally, emotionally, physically, explicitly, implicitly.
After a long, heavy day, we reunite with our loved ones with the hope that, with them, we can show up as ourselves - without any masks, helmets, or shields that we used to protect ourselves throughout the day. We reconnect with our significant others with the expectation that we can find comfort, rest, solace, encouragement, and company. Our partners are supposed to be our safe haven, our refuge from life's harsh realities.
Unfortunately, for many couples, this is not the case. Some people:
spend longer hours at work because they dread coming home to a critical spouse or to the daily fights.
busy themselves in their career or their kids, because they don't want to feel alone or disappointed.
feel panic when their partners pull away from them, wondering whether they're having an affair.
In these cases, the very person who's supposed to be the safe haven becomes the source of pain. When there's no assurance of a loving, lasting bond, people resort to their survival modes of FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE, which more often than not makes things worse.
The best way to disrupt the escalating negative cycle is for YOU to be your partner's safe haven. Here are some ways how:
Listen when your partner is worried
Be attentive and help practically when the other is sick or exhausted
Ask about your partner's feelings and experience.
Provide non-sexual physical comfort (hold hands, rub back, hug, kiss on forehead) when your partner is feeling sad or hurt
One quick way to make this a normal part of your relationship is to ask your partner every day, "What was the most stressful part of your day? What do you need?" This one thing signals to your partner that you care about their well-being and will invite them to connect with you more deeply, more regularly.
How to Connect with Your Partner:
3) Be Your Partner's Secure Base
All of us have deeply embedded dreams that don't always have the chance to show up and shine. These dreams are stirrings within our hearts of what we can do, who we could become. We are boomerangs that are meant to be thrown. We are made to soar high and far, to return to the ones who launched us (safe haven!), to be thrown again, to be safely caught, so on. Tapping into this desire is the last way to connect with your partner.
Our significant others are the primary attachment figures (besides our parents) to assume this role. They are the ones who are supposed to:
know who we really are and who we really want to become.
know our deepest passions and summon them forth.
instill hope, courage, and strength so that we can go much further than we could go on our own.
remind us who we are when we forget
celebrate whatever victories we have.
be our number one fan.
Rather than waiting for your partner to be this for you, how can YOU first be the secure base for your partner? Ask your partner, "What have you been working towards today? Anything I can do to help?" This communicates to them that her values and dreams matter to you, and you want to help them get there.
How to "Make" Love Each Day
In summary, here are the three ways to connect with your partner and create a deeply loving, lasting bond that gets better each day:
Nurture Fondness & Admiration
"I appreciate how you _________." "I love that you __________. " "Thank you for _______."Be Your Partner's Safe Haven
"What was the most stressful part of your day? What do you need?"Be Your Partner's Secure Base
"What have you been working towards today? Anything I can do to help?"
Here's to a lifetime of love!
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Necessary Endings: Give Up to Move Forward
Though goodbyes are just as essential to life as hellos, many tend to avoid them for various reasons. Find out what reasons may be holding you back so you know how to move forward!
How I Learned to Give Up To Move Forward
Yet another year at an end. Yet another year about to begin. Another cycle of giving up to move forward.
As I reflect upon this past year, I remember both good and tough times, moments I laughed, cried, grew, and struggled.
For me, this year deviated from my life script that whatever I treasure will be taken from me. I’m no stranger to loss: I’ve lost dear friends, communities, homes, dreams, and parts of myself in traumatic, involuntary ways. To avoid future heartbreak, I fought hard to prevent them as much as possible, even to the point of not creating new bonds altogether.
Of course, this set me up to be hypervigilant, anxious, and wary of any signs of change, even good ones. Whenever transitions happened, I vacillated between anxiety and numbness to control how much my experiences would impact me, not realizing how these extremes would interfere with forward movement in my personal and professional life.
That was, until this year. Early this year, I quit my other job to devote all my attention towards building my therapy practice. It was a risky move to take, given that I had no safety net or any guarantee that this would work out or even be worth it. All I knew was:
I was exhausted from working more and more hours for less and less outcomes.
Despite my best efforts, things kept getting worse.
This position was increasingly deviating from my main profession as a therapist.
Thoughts and emotions about work was spilling over into my personal life.
Though I deeply wished that things would turn the corner, the prognosis was poor. I wrestled for months about whether to stay or to leave, as I haven’t had the best experience with endings. I feared that I would reexperience the same kinds of painful, negative consequences that I had before.
If only I had read Necessary Endings sooner.
Why People Avoid Endings
Henry Cloud, the same author of bestselling book Boundaries, wrote why endings are natural, essential, and strategic to our personal and professional development. However, we tend “avoid them or botch them”:
We hang on too long when we should end something now.
We do not know if an ending is actually necessary, or if “it” or “he” is fixable.
We are afraid of the unknown.
We fear confrontation.
We are afraid of hurting someone.
We are afraid of letting go and the sadness associated with an ending.
We do not possess the skills to execute the ending.
We do not even know the right words to use.
We have had too many and too painful endings in our personal history, so we avoid another one.
When they are forced upon us, we do not know how to process them, and we sink or flounder.
We do not learn from them, so we repeat the same mistakes over and over.
Of the eleven reasons listed above, I hit eight. Not ending things well cost me heavily in the long run. Fear kept me from pushing the EJECT button, prolonging pain and stunting growth. Fortunately, the ever-increasing frustration and depression I felt about work signaled that it was time for me to give up so that I could move forward onto the next stage of my growth.
Prune: Get Rid of Old Stuff to GROW
Roses don’t just spontaneously grow into their majestic form on their own; their bushes are methodically and carefully pruned so that they can reach their fullest potential.
So what exactly is pruning? It is “the process of proactive endings,” or the art and science of cutting away what does NOT belong to the optimal end goal.
Cloud describes three types of rose branches that the gardener prunes:
Healthy branches that are good but aren’t the best.
Sick branches that aren’t getting well, despite efforts to make them healthy.
Dead branches that are just taking up space and are interfering with other branches.
For the rosebush to thrive, all three categories of branches need to be cut. For us to thrive personally or professionally, we may need to look for and cut out the activities, commitments, materials and/or relationships that are:
Taking up limited resources that could more effectively go to another area,
Causing ongoing pain and have low prospects of improvement or change,
Unnecessarily cluttering our lives and decisions.
Elimination of these instances involves insight, commitment, action, and follow through. They will not happen on their own. We must give up to move forward. We can try to prolong these uncomfortable and effortful tasks as much as possible, but we may end up experiencing much more pain than is helpful.
Onto Bigger, Better, Blissfuller Things
I’m glad that I decided to pull the plug, as I would not have experienced the surge of growth and life that soon followed. The Monday after my last day of work, I sat down at my dinner table with a sketchpad and markers and began expressing whatever was locked deep inside of me. From the random jumble of words and pictures came the name and logo for my practice, OliveMe Counseling. Not long after, I created and launched the website that you are seeing now and have done seven workshops and seminars about topics I am deeply passionate about: emotional and relational health.
If I hadn’t ended my job, none of this would have happened the way that it did. Rather than reactively waiting for an ending to be done FOR me or TO me, I faced the fear, rode out the wave, and reaped its rewards. Though the process was terrifying and painful, I am proud that I went through with it. With this new experience, I am emboldened to identify other areas of my life that need to say NO to so that I can say YES to greater things.
Reflection:
What would you like to see happen in your personal, relational, or professional life? What’s keeping that from happening?
What are the (1) dead, (2) sick and not healing, and (3) good but not best branches you need to prune so you can thrive?
How can you prepare to end well?
What are prerequisite needs that need to be met first (e.g., encouragement, a plan, a firm kick in the ass, a session to destress) so that you can effectively go through with this?
My wish is for you to practice using your pruning shears so you can move forward with everything you’ve got.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
“The Mask”, featuring Jim Carrey, is a great movie that illustrates what the Enneagram types are like: masks (or personas) we don until we become so “fused” with them that we forget our true selves. Read this blog to learn about your mask!