How I Learned to Give Up To Move Forward
Yet another year at an end. Yet another year about to begin. Another cycle of giving up to move forward.
As I reflect upon 2017, I remember both good and tough times, moments I laughed, cried, grew, and struggled.
For me, 2017 deviated from my life script that whatever I treasure will be taken from me. I’m no stranger to loss: I’ve lost dear friends, communities, homes, dreams, and parts of myself in traumatic, involuntary ways. To avoid future heartbreak, I fought hard to prevent them as much as possible, even to the point of not creating new bonds altogether.
Of course, this set me up to be hypervigilant, anxious, and wary of any signs of change, even good ones. Whenever transitions happened, I vacillated between anxiety and numbness to control how much my experiences would impact me, not realizing how these extremes would interfere with forward movement in my personal and professional life.
That was, until this year. Early this year, I quit my other job to devote all my attention towards building my therapy practice. It was a risky move to take, given that I had no safety net or any guarantee that this would work out or even be worth it. All I knew was:
I was exhausted from working more and more hours for less and less outcomes.
Despite my best efforts, things kept getting worse.
This position was increasingly deviating from my main profession as a therapist.
Thoughts and emotions about work was spilling over into my personal life.
Though I deeply wished that things would turn the corner, the prognosis was poor. I wrestled for months about whether to stay or to leave, as I haven’t had the best experience with endings. I feared that I would reexperience the same kinds of painful, negative consequences that I had before.
If only I had read Necessary Endings sooner.
Why People Avoid Endings
Henry Cloud, the same author of bestselling book Boundaries, wrote why endings are natural, essential, and strategic to our personal and professional development. However, we tend “avoid them or botch them”:
We hang on too long when we should end something now.
We do not know if an ending is actually necessary, or if “it” or “he” is fixable.
We are afraid of the unknown.
We fear confrontation.
We are afraid of hurting someone.
We are afraid of letting go and the sadness associated with an ending.
We do not possess the skills to execute the ending.
We do not even know the right words to use.
We have had too many and too painful endings in our personal history, so we avoid another one.
When they are forced upon us, we do not know how to process them, and we sink or flounder.
We do not learn from them, so we repeat the same mistakes over and over.
Of the eleven reasons listed above, I hit eight. Not ending things well cost me heavily in the long run. Fear kept me from pushing the EJECT button, prolonging pain and stunting growth. Fortunately, the ever-increasing frustration and depression I felt about work signaled that it was time for me to give up so that I could move forward onto the next stage of my growth.
Prune: Get Rid of the Unwanted or Superfluous to GROW
Roses don’t just spontaneously grow into their majestic form on their own; their bushes are methodically and carefully pruned so that they can reach their fullest potential.
So what exactly is pruning? It is “the process of proactive endings,” or the art and science of cutting away what does NOT belong to the optimal end goal.
Cloud describes three types of rose branches that the gardener prunes:
Healthy branches that are good but aren’t the best.
Sick branches that aren’t getting well, despite efforts to make them healthy.
Dead branches that are just taking up space and are interfering with other branches.
For the rosebush to thrive, all three categories of branches need to be cut. For us to thrive personally or professionally, we may need to look for and cut out the activities, commitments, materials and/or relationships that are:
Taking up limited resources that could more effectively go to another area,
Causing ongoing pain and have low prospects of improvement or change,
Unnecessarily cluttering our lives and decisions.
Elimination of these instances involves insight, commitment, action, and follow through. They will not happen on their own. We must give up to move forward. We can try to prolong these uncomfortable and effortful tasks as much as possible, but we may end up experiencing much more pain than is helpful.
Onto Bigger, Better, Blissfuller Things
I’m glad that I decided to pull the plug, as I would not have experienced the surge of growth and life that soon followed. The Monday after my last day of work, I sat down at my dinner table with a sketchpad and markers and began expressing whatever was locked deep inside of me. From the random jumble of words and pictures came the name and logo for my practice, OliveMe Counseling. Not long after, I created and launched the website that you are seeing now and have done seven workshops and seminars about topics I am deeply passionate about: emotional and relational health.
If I hadn’t ended my job, none of this would have happened the way that it did. Rather than reactively waiting for an ending to be done FOR me or TO me, I faced the fear, rode out the wave, and reaped its rewards. Though the process was terrifying and painful, I am proud that I went through with it. With this new experience, I am emboldened to identify other areas of my life that need to say NO to so that I can say YES to greater things.
Reflection:
What would you like to see happen in your personal, relational, or professional life? What’s keeping that from happening?
What are the (1) dead, (2) sick and not healing, and (3) good but not best branches you need to prune so you can thrive?
How can you prepare to end well?
What are prerequisite needs that need to be met first (e.g., encouragement, a plan, a firm kick in the ass, a session to destress) so that you can effectively go through with this?
My wish is for you to practice using your pruning shears so you can move forward with everything you’ve got.
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!