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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting is a brain-based processing method similar to EMDR that channels the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding specific eye positions (Brainspots) linked to unprocessed stress experiences stored in the brain and letting the body “detox”.
Thousand-Mile Stare
You may have seen people stare off blankly into space, deeply reflecting on something or being emotionally detached from what’s happening around them. They're not really looking AT anything, in particular but just off into the distance in that general direction. Their eyes are directed outward, but their focus is directed inward. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is attempting to process through a memory with the emotions and thoughts related to it.
When we see others doing this, we often wonder, "Are they okay?" and shake them out of it. Sometimes, we might be hurt or offended and say, "Are you listening to me?" because it seems like they're not (to be fair, they probably aren't, so it's okay for you to feel hurt). In shaking the person back to reality, they might be able to "come back" to the present to engage whatever is in front of them (i.e., continue the conversation, work, drive).
However, THAT they're spacing out isn't bad per se. THAT they're often in a daze or daydreaming might indicate that their body is needing an intentional regular space to sort through their internal experiences. The issue is they might:
Do it at the wrong time or at the wrong place (e.g., in the middle of work)
Accidentally further upset themselves and make reactive decisions that make matters worse (e.g., they get triggered at work, ruminate on it throughout the day, become more upset, then come home and kick the dog).
Their bodies are TRYING to take care of themselves but are unsuccessful at it. During these times, they probably need someone else who’s steady and grounded to serve as an anchor as they're doing a deep dive into their unconscious. They need someone who's trained to be attuned to them, not interfere with their processing, and pull them back to the surface when it's time.
For these individuals, Brainspotting therapy would be a great resource for them.
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a brain-based processing method that taps into the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that often generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding the specific eye positions that directly connect to where unprocessed stress is stored in the brain so that the body can “detox”.
Brainspotting directly accesses our “lower brain” where emotionally charged experiences are stored, far out of reach of the thinking “higher brain.” By doing so, we can process them more deeply and rapidly than we might with traditional talk therapy or with reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning useful skills.
Our bodies pick up stimuli (body sensations, emotions, information, etc.) throughout the day that is supposed to get processed often when we’re in deep sleep (REM cycle) but also when we’re in a reflective, meditative trance-like state (intentionally thinking about something and feeling the emotions that come with it).
However, when we experience something that’s too new, too scary, or too overwhelming, that overloads our bodies’ natural ability to process and heal. These stimuli can get “stuck” in our bodies in splintered form, waiting until the conditions are right in the future for us to deliberately process them. Unfortunately, most people aren’t practiced in going back to process old things, so these old things just sit there, pile up, and fester until something new happens that dumps all that old, past unprocessed stuff into the present and makes things messier. This is what being triggered means.
Think of it as what happens when we have leftovers: because we can’t finish the meal in one sitting, we save it for later. A lot of times, many of us forget that we have leftovers to finish, and we find out only when we open the fridge to see that there’s no more room or when things start to smell.
Brainspotting jumpstarts the body’s natural processing mechanism to sort out the old stuff into different piles:
What to keep (long-term memory)
What to process (emotions associated with past events that need to be experienced/expressed)
What to throw away (old perspectives, irrelevant details)
Afterwards, the “fridge” gets cleared out so that there’s more room to take in new things. When the old stuff is fully processed, the person won’t be triggered as often or intensely, thereby becoming able to be fully present to engage whatever’s in front of them, respond accordingly, and perhaps even to enjoy the moment.
How Do I Sign Up?
If you find yourself often:
getting stuck on a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and memories
lashing out at others and having to apologize later
staring off into space or daydreaming, when you really need to pay attention
having trouble focusing or remembering things
procrastinating and beating yourself up for it
easily getting knocked off emotional balance
feeling like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, or overreaction is a daily reality
…then Brainspotting Therapy might be a good fit for you.
If you’re in California, let’s work together!
Learn how Brainspotting works in a related post!
If you want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Make a Genogram - ft. Ross Geller (FRIENDS)
A genogram is an important tool for self-awareness, personal growth, and relationship development. Create your map that shows where you’re from so that you can decide what kind of relationships you want to create going forward.
Want to make your own genogram?
Get the Canva or Google Slides template here!
To use these graphics for presentations or personal use or to create your own genogram, purchase the graphics & Canva/Google Slides template above.
Missing Parts of Your Family Tapestry
Despite the value of individualism that Western societies so pride themselves in, no one was born in a vacuum. If someone has anxiety and depression, society often sees them to be an individual issue that therefore needs an individual solution (such as medications or “Just get over it’s”). A genogram can help make sense of all that.
Chances are that what the person is dealing with is ALSO a systemic issue. The person’s significant relationships and the environment they grew up in (family, neighborhood, culture, religion, etc.) have likely majorly influenced how the person experiences, understands, and expresses anxiety and depression and how others have responded to the individual.
A person who grew up as a latchkey, only child whose parents were rarely home because of work, addictions, or any other situation might not have had the emotional attunement and coaching needed to understand their own feelings and know what to do with them. Having been so accustomed to being alone, they might have their survival mode set to “Numb”, which may have significant implications in future relationships and mental, emotional, and physical health.
This is NOT to say that our childhood experiences absolutely determine who we become when we grow up. Nevertheless, to consider one’s own experiences apart from significant environmental factors would be like trying to complete a puzzle with less than half the pieces. You ain’t gonna get that far.
So Why the Genogram?
A genogram is an important tool for self-awareness, personal development, and relationship development. It can reveal how a person’s experiences today make sense in the larger context of their family-of-origin and past experiences.
A genogram is the Family Tree 3.0: not only does it reveal who’s who in the family, but it also is rich in information about:
major events
(e.g., war, immigration, 9/11) that may have left a deep impact on the individuals and/or the family,cultural factors
race experiences, immigration, religion, sexism, homophobiamental health issues
(e.g., anxiety, bipolar disorder)medical conditions
(e.g., diabetes, cancer)traumas
(e.g., sexual abuse, sudden deaths, miscarriage)addictions
(e.g., alcohol, work, pornography, substance, sex, ministry, shopping)relationship dynamics:
closeness, distance, conflict, enmeshment, cut-off,the role played in the family
(e.g., the Hero, the Victim, the Clown, the Lost Child)
*Scroll down for instructions on how to make a genogram.
Genogram Example:
Ross Geller from Friends
To use these graphics for presentations or personal use or to create your own genogram, purchase the graphics & Canva/Google Slides template below.
Ross, age 36, is a man who is the older brother of Monica who is two years junior. The brunt of negative attention from his mother Judy (who herself had been criticized by her own mother) fell on his sister, who learned to (overly) exert control on all areas of her own life: her eating, her work, her environment, and her relationships.
Due to the very obvious favoritism Ross received from both of his parents, his relationship with Monica has been fraught with competition all throughout childhood and even somewhat in present day. Favored as the Golden Child all his life, Ross could do no wrong in his parents’ (and his own) eyes.
A lifetime’s worth of practice of being the center of attention and the Smart Alec/Know-it-All set Ross up for several rude awakenings as is revealed in his marital history. Four years into being married, his first wife Carol (the mother of his son, Ben) came out as lesbian and ended the marriage to pursue a relationship with Susan. Though his relationship with Carol is harmonious enough today as they’re coparenting their son, this was definitely not a part of Ross’ plan for his life.
Neither were his next two divorces. As a part of his decade-long, hot-and-cold relationship with his high school crush and current (and third) wife Rachel, Ross’ marriage with Emily was DOA when he blurted out Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s at the altar.
What ensued was a string of failed dating relationships and a drunk Vegas marriage with Rachel that resulted in his third (and hopefully final) divorce when the exasperated judge denied an annulment. With this, Ross the Golden Child became “The Three Divorces Guy.” Though he and Rachel remarried after they had their daughter Emma, this is still a sore spot topic for him.
Today, Ross is trying to learn how to navigate his experience with shame and to build healthier relationship dynamics.
How to Make Your Genogram
Preview:
Draw the Family Tree - draw out all the members in your family for 3-4 generations.
Name the Players - add any relevant info about family members (age, role, marital status, personality, trauma).
Determine the Relationship - add info about significant relationship dynamics between family members.
Update as Needed - periodically check for shuffled family roles or shifted relationship dynamics.
Step 1: Draw the Family Tree
Draw a sketch of all the members of your family for 3-4 generations:
Generation 1: Your Grandparents
Generation 2: Your Parents and Their Siblings
Generation 3: Yourself, Your Siblings, Important Cousins (optional: Your Spouse)
Generation 4 (optional): Your Children and Important Nieces/Nephews Genograms can utilize various symbols and colors to depict useful information.
Here are the basic symbols indicating different individuals for two generations (parent and child):
Children are placed beneath their parents, with a line stemming from the parents' family line. Children should be listed from left to right, oldest to youngest.
Step 2: Name the players
List the names of the significant family members. Write down or use the key symbols below to indicate any important information about each of person:
Age
Marital status
Living/deceased:
If deceased, put an “X” over the person’s symbol. Indicate reason if not from old age (e.g., cancer, car accident, suicide, overdose)Profession
Personality:
2-3 word descriptions, Enneagram type, strengths, etc.Cultural details:
Ethnicity, religion, etc.Trauma or other major events
Mental/emotional illnesses
Medical conditions
Addictions
Substance, work, sex, etc.
Step 3: Determine the Relationship
Using the symbols above, illustrate the quality of relationships between key family members.
Feel free to make your own symbols as needed to add any information that may be relevant.
Here is a summary template of what a generic genogram may look like:
Step 4: Update Genogram as Needed
As time goes on, the relationship or life statuses will undergo changes.
You may learn more about yourself and your family through having conversations with family members or looking at old photos.
With fresh(er) eyes, you may see the relationship dynamics between members that was likely there for a long time but was invisible to you until now.
When a major family event happens (e.g., the aunt who was the pillar of your mom’s family passes away), you may notice that there is a shuffle of family roles and a shifting of relationship dynamics.
Update your genogram from time to time. If you are in or are thinking about getting some individual, couples, or family therapy for yourself, feel free to share this with your therapist.
Reflection Questions:
When you’re done updating your genogram, see your family from a bird’s eye view and consider these questions:
What stands out to you?
Notice what you notice. There’s probably a good reason why this is catching your attention now!What emotions are you feeling right now?
What reactions are you having? (It’s OKAY for you to feel whatever you’re feeling. Your body is trying to digest this new information.)How has your family dealt with emotions or pain? (overdid it, underdid it, was comfortable with it.)
How do you deal with your/others’ emotions or pain?
How is your past showing up in your present?
Are there any familiar patterns that resemble what you grew up with?What are some generational blessings & burdens that have been passed down?
What burdens would you like to end with your generation? (CHANGE)
What blessings would you like to pass on to your children? (CONTINUE)What feels important for you to focus on for the next half year?
(e.g., exploring an unfamiliar part of your family, processing hurts from family, repairing strained relationships)
Next Steps
If you’re finding that you’re experiencing a surge of intense emotions (anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, anger), that’s totally normal. It’s OKAY for you to feel your feelings and also not know what you’re supposed to do next. This is all a part of your process of reconnecting with yourself, knowing who and how you are, healing old wounds, and growing into the person you want to become.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and would like support with this, you might benefit from individual therapy, where you can sort through all the thoughts, memories, emotions, and experiences that are spilling out.
(Couples and family therapy are legit options, too, but the tricky thing is that the other parties also need to have buy-in for the process to be beneficial.)
Need help creating your genogram?
If you’re needing help creating a genogram, schedule here for a one-off genogram coaching session.
(NOTE: this is NOT therapy - we won’t be doing any emotional or trauma processing).
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Necessary Endings: Give Up to Move Forward
Though goodbyes are just as essential to life as hellos, many tend to avoid them for various reasons. Find out what reasons may be holding you back so you know how to move forward!
How I Learned to Give Up To Move Forward
Yet another year at an end. Yet another year about to begin. Another cycle of giving up to move forward.
As I reflect upon this past year, I remember both good and tough times, moments I laughed, cried, grew, and struggled.
For me, this year deviated from my life script that whatever I treasure will be taken from me. I’m no stranger to loss: I’ve lost dear friends, communities, homes, dreams, and parts of myself in traumatic, involuntary ways. To avoid future heartbreak, I fought hard to prevent them as much as possible, even to the point of not creating new bonds altogether.
Of course, this set me up to be hypervigilant, anxious, and wary of any signs of change, even good ones. Whenever transitions happened, I vacillated between anxiety and numbness to control how much my experiences would impact me, not realizing how these extremes would interfere with forward movement in my personal and professional life.
That was, until this year. Early this year, I quit my other job to devote all my attention towards building my therapy practice. It was a risky move to take, given that I had no safety net or any guarantee that this would work out or even be worth it. All I knew was:
I was exhausted from working more and more hours for less and less outcomes.
Despite my best efforts, things kept getting worse.
This position was increasingly deviating from my main profession as a therapist.
Thoughts and emotions about work was spilling over into my personal life.
Though I deeply wished that things would turn the corner, the prognosis was poor. I wrestled for months about whether to stay or to leave, as I haven’t had the best experience with endings. I feared that I would reexperience the same kinds of painful, negative consequences that I had before.
If only I had read Necessary Endings sooner.
Why People Avoid Endings
Henry Cloud, the same author of bestselling book Boundaries, wrote why endings are natural, essential, and strategic to our personal and professional development. However, we tend “avoid them or botch them”:
We hang on too long when we should end something now.
We do not know if an ending is actually necessary, or if “it” or “he” is fixable.
We are afraid of the unknown.
We fear confrontation.
We are afraid of hurting someone.
We are afraid of letting go and the sadness associated with an ending.
We do not possess the skills to execute the ending.
We do not even know the right words to use.
We have had too many and too painful endings in our personal history, so we avoid another one.
When they are forced upon us, we do not know how to process them, and we sink or flounder.
We do not learn from them, so we repeat the same mistakes over and over.
Of the eleven reasons listed above, I hit eight. Not ending things well cost me heavily in the long run. Fear kept me from pushing the EJECT button, prolonging pain and stunting growth. Fortunately, the ever-increasing frustration and depression I felt about work signaled that it was time for me to give up so that I could move forward onto the next stage of my growth.
Prune: Get Rid of Old Stuff to GROW
Roses don’t just spontaneously grow into their majestic form on their own; their bushes are methodically and carefully pruned so that they can reach their fullest potential.
So what exactly is pruning? It is “the process of proactive endings,” or the art and science of cutting away what does NOT belong to the optimal end goal.
Cloud describes three types of rose branches that the gardener prunes:
Healthy branches that are good but aren’t the best.
Sick branches that aren’t getting well, despite efforts to make them healthy.
Dead branches that are just taking up space and are interfering with other branches.
For the rosebush to thrive, all three categories of branches need to be cut. For us to thrive personally or professionally, we may need to look for and cut out the activities, commitments, materials and/or relationships that are:
Taking up limited resources that could more effectively go to another area,
Causing ongoing pain and have low prospects of improvement or change,
Unnecessarily cluttering our lives and decisions.
Elimination of these instances involves insight, commitment, action, and follow through. They will not happen on their own. We must give up to move forward. We can try to prolong these uncomfortable and effortful tasks as much as possible, but we may end up experiencing much more pain than is helpful.
Onto Bigger, Better, Blissfuller Things
I’m glad that I decided to pull the plug, as I would not have experienced the surge of growth and life that soon followed. The Monday after my last day of work, I sat down at my dinner table with a sketchpad and markers and began expressing whatever was locked deep inside of me. From the random jumble of words and pictures came the name and logo for my practice, OliveMe Counseling. Not long after, I created and launched the website that you are seeing now and have done seven workshops and seminars about topics I am deeply passionate about: emotional and relational health.
If I hadn’t ended my job, none of this would have happened the way that it did. Rather than reactively waiting for an ending to be done FOR me or TO me, I faced the fear, rode out the wave, and reaped its rewards. Though the process was terrifying and painful, I am proud that I went through with it. With this new experience, I am emboldened to identify other areas of my life that need to say NO to so that I can say YES to greater things.
Reflection:
What would you like to see happen in your personal, relational, or professional life? What’s keeping that from happening?
What are the (1) dead, (2) sick and not healing, and (3) good but not best branches you need to prune so you can thrive?
How can you prepare to end well?
What are prerequisite needs that need to be met first (e.g., encouragement, a plan, a firm kick in the ass, a session to destress) so that you can effectively go through with this?
My wish is for you to practice using your pruning shears so you can move forward with everything you’ve got.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Struggling with emotional triggers or intimacy issues in your relationships because you were hurt in the past? Brainspotting is a powerful trauma therapy that helps you release past wounds stored in the body—so you can clearly see and effectively attend to each new person and moment clearly for what it is, instead of what your old trauma ghosts tell you they are.