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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
How Brainspotting can Strengthen Your Relationships
Struggling with emotional triggers or intimacy issues in your relationships because you were hurt in the past? Brainspotting is a powerful trauma therapy that helps you release past wounds stored in the body—so you can clearly see and effectively attend to each new person and moment clearly for what it is, instead of what your old trauma ghosts tell you they are.
Healing Unresolved Emotions can Improve Relationships
Human connections are the heart of our lives — offering some of our greatest insights, intimacy, growth, and joy.
But they can also be sources of our deepest pain, confusion, and conflict, especially when past wounds, unresolved emotions, or trauma subtly leak out out from our subterranean subconscious parts, warping the way we interpret new situations and respond to our loved ones.
Especially for people who feel deeply — Empaths, Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), and those with strong emotional intuitions like Enneagram Twos and Enneagram Fours — these relationship dynamics can be even more intense and all-consuming.
Fortunately, our amazing bodies come with inherent ways of healing itself. One such approach that has actually been created as a therapy approach is called Brainspotting, a trauma therapy approach that emerged from EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing).
Read more about what Brainspotting is or how Brainspotting works, so we can get to the juicy stuff about relationships here!
When Past Relationship Trauma Wounds Spill Over into the Present
Most people who reach out to me for therapy do so less to work on past traumas (especially from childhood), but because a CURRENT relationship is in crisis:
They can’t shake off the feeling that their current partner is cheating on them like their exes did, even though the partner has been nothing but present, truthful, and supportive.
They have intense reactions when their 2-year-old throws food onto the floor, and they’re so so frustrated but also don’t want to blow up on their kid for doing what 2-year-olds do
They feel constantly overlooked at work, but also don’t have the confidence to actually speak up for themselves for fear of criticism or judgment
They have a hard time opening up to others because they’re waiting for the shoe to drop and be abandoned by others or assume that every gift comes with strings attached
The likelihood that these reactions are based on old relationships and experiences are very very VERY high.
The pickle is when people KNOW they have old trauma to work with because they read all the books and even did therapy before, but they still have no idea how to actually move on or deal with their feelings (like Whack-a-Mole).
Even if you intellectually "know" something isn’t a threat anymore, your nervous system may still react as if it is.
This leads to emotional triggers in relationships. A partner’s raised voice, a delayed text, or a perceived rejection might set off old buried memories or emotions you’re not consciously aware of.
You may lash out, shut down, over-apologize, or spiral into anxiety — not because of what’s happening in the present moment, but because of the ghosts of unprocessed past experiences that are still reverberating in your nervous system.
Namely, your body brain can’t tell the difference between the past and present.
Brainspotting Heals Old Wounds and Clears Outdated Messages about Life & Love
For better or for worse, when intense feelings “leak out” (i.e., we get triggered), we have a window of opportunity to excavate those deeply buried memories (think of the colored core memory orbs in the movie Inside Out) that we don’t have conscious awareness of.
Brainspotting Therapy helps access and clear out those echoes by giving the brain space to process what it couldn’t before. It bypasses the analytical, thinking brain (top-brain) and goes straight to the root — the mammal/emotional mid-brain and lizard/reflexive root brain.
Brainspotting helps us locate those buried orbs, release the emotional charge, reconfigure those memories, and reorganize where those newly processed memories are stored.
By the end of the movie Inside Out, those intense, simplistic single-colored orbs (preprocessed memories) become more nuanced and complex multi-colored orbs (processed, integrated memories) that are much more useful in helping us navigate new experiences with greater wisdom and emotional balance.
It’s hard to describe Brainspotting because it can be such a body-based, nonverbal, primal experience, but here’s a blog that explains how Brainspotting actually works.
…or sometimes it’s easier to just try it for yourself. Actually, if you’re an Enneagram 4 or Highly Sensitive Person, you might already accidentally be doing Brainspotting yourself out of just sheer intuition.
How Brainspotting Helps Relationships
So how does healing old painful experiences actually translate into better, healthier, deeper relationships?
1. Healing Attachment Wounds
Most relationship struggles are rooted in early attachment patterns. If your caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, overly controlling, or unpredictable, you may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles.
These styles often play out in adult relationships—creating cycles of clinginess, withdrawal, fear of abandonment, difficulty with trust, or a strong need to "fix" others.
The Enneagram — a personality framework that I also specialize in — speaks to 9 different ways of seeing and responding to life experiences, including how we relate to other people. The Enneagram speaks to WHY we do what we do — our core needs, fears, and interpretations of life.
Think of the Enneagram revealing those painful muscle knots that put your whole body out of alignment and created other issues, and Brainspotting being the deep tissue massage to “work out” those knots so that you can gain full access to your whole body again.
Brainspotting does this “massage” by:
Uncovering and processing childhood attachment wounds from our deeper brains
Recalibrating our nervous systems to feel safe and steady again
Reorienting our views on life and relationships
Helping us bring our healing wins into daily experiences, so that you can actually access the hard won peace and courage
When you resolve your old ghosts of past wounds, you’re able to be present, see life, yourself, and others clearly for what they are, and to respond accordingly with all of your internal resources and strengths.
Instead of being bogged down by familiar fears, you’d have more clarity and boldness to fully show up in all areas of your life, including your relationships with loved ones!
2. Reducing Emotional Reactivity
Whether you like it or not, relationships are emotional mirrors. We’re constantly being triggered by others, often in ways that seem disproportionate.
A simple disagreement can feel like a betrayal.
A missed call can ignite panic or shame.
These reactions are signals that unprocessed emotions are driving the bus and that we need to resolve them sooner than later, lest they make hard things WORSE or even create MORE problems.
Because Brainspotting allows deep emotional processing without needing to "talk it all out", it helps:
Reduce intensity and frequency of emotional triggers
Soften trauma responses like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn
Increase emotional regulation and self-awareness
(Actually, did you know that you can do Brainspotting without ever saying a single word? The therapist doesn’t even need to know what exactly you’re processing, so it’s great for those mortifying memories that you feel deep shame around!)
What would happen if you were to buy yourself even 1-2 more seconds to slow your reactive roll? It might not seem like much, but even those few seconds might be the guardrails preventing you from sending that vitriolic email to your partner or boss.
What would it be like for you to feel like you’re in SELF-CONTROL, not OTHERS-CONTROLLED or OTHERS-CONTROLLING? How would your life be different if you led with calm wisdom, not chaotic panic?
3. Clearing OUTDATED, Unconscious Beliefs About Love, Worth, & Belonging
A lot of people I work with carry deep-seated beliefs like:
"I’m TOO MUCH."
"I’ll be abandoned if I express what I need."
"Love has to be EARNED."
"Conflict means rejection."
These beliefs aren’t just mental — they actually live in the body in the form of emotional reactivity. Brainspotting brings these belief/feeling capsules up to the surface so we can dispel their power.
Doing this creates an opportunity for you to bring in more realistic and healthier beliefs, such as:
"I can be fully myself and still be loved."
"My needs matter, independently of whether others can meet them."
"I don’t have to fix others to be worthy."
These internal shifts radically change how you can show up in your relationships. Even switching from an extremist, all-or-nothing perspective to a more nuanced one can do WONDERS in helping you navigate through different situations in your personal and professional relationships.
4. Improving Communication and Intimacy
When you're not overwhelmed by unresolved emotion or unconscious fear, you're more able to:
Speak your truth without wilting in shame or aggressively blaming
Hear others without getting defensive or flooded
Be vulnerable without shutting down
Set boundaries without guilt (this is a tough one, but you can do it!)
Not only does Brainspotting help you resolve painful experiences, but it can also help you access positive internal resources like peace, courage, and wisdom.
Because of this, Brainspotting strengthens your internal capacity to stay present and steady during difficult conversations or emotional moments, which expands your horizons as to what’s possible in your relationships: deeper intimacy, clarity, and mutual understanding — all without sacrificing yourself.
5. Reconnecting With Your Authentic Self
At its core, Brainspotting (and the Enneagram) isn’t just about healing trauma; it’s about coming home to yourself — your TRUE self.
When you clear out all the mental cobwebs and emotional clutter, you're able to reconnect with your inherent compassion, creativity, and wisdom.
This authentic self is the foundation of all healthy relationships, because you can’t have a relationship between two fragmented people.
Relationship math isn’t 1/4 + 3/4 = 1, but 1 + 1 = 1.
A WHOLE self with another WHOLE self creates a WHOLE relationship.
When both parties are free to be yourselves without the need to perform, people-please, or self-abandon, you can create vibrant, sustainable relationships that are resilient and immune to things like burnout or resentment.
In this way, Brainspotting supports not just relationship repair — but relationship revitalization. You’re no longer relating from old patterns, but from a place of wholeness, with endless possibilities of fulfilling experiences that help both of you feel seen, known, and loved — FULLY.
Why Brainspotting Works So Well for Highly Sensitive People, Empaths, and Enneagram 2s & 4s.
For sensitive folks, traditional talk therapy can sometimes feel overwhelming, too surface-level, or too embarrassing (“Ahhhh — I don’t want someone else to see me like this!! What will the therapist think of me?”).
Another trap is that sometimes sensitive people mistake introspection with processing or resolution. You may understand your patterns intellectually but still feel stuck emotionally. Just because you have a LOT of feelings doesn’t mean you’re actually processing them!
Brainspotting honors your depth, while also making room for your WHOLE brain — thinking, feeling, and being. It doesn’t ask you to explain or rationalize your pain. Instead, it invites you to feel whatever comes up, notice it in your body, and release it in a safe, contained way.
It meets you where you live—in the emotional, sensory, intuitive spaces of the body and soul. So many of my clients who also have a very rich imaginary or spiritual inner world can easily weave them into their Brainspotting session!
There’s no one right way of doing Brainspotting, so the pressure’s off — give yourself permission to do feelings the way that works best for you & your sensitivity without getting lost in the depths! As the person sitting in the boat, the Brainspotting therapist can help pull you out when it’s time.
How to Start Brainspotting
If you're curious about trying Brainspotting to improve your relationships, here’s how to begin:
Find a Brainspotting practitioner in your state: Look for someone with training in trauma-informed care and relationship dynamics. If you’re in California, here are some fabulous Brainspotting therapists!
Clarify your intention: You don’t need to have it all figured out — just bring a specific emotional issue or pattern you’d like to work on. (If even that’s unclear, you can even say something like, “I don’t know why, but I just feel…’OFF’. Like there’s a fog around my head.” You’ll be surprised what Brainspotting can work with!
Stay open: Let your body lead. You may cry, yawn, feel sensations, or just be still. All responses are valid, and none of it needs to make sense (remember, we’re not using the analytical top-brain, but the dream-like emotional and lizard brains!).
Practice integration: After sessions, give yourself time to rest, reflect, and journal if needed. The work continues unfolding even after you leave the session, so if you have some more involved dreams afterwards, no problem — let your body continue to metabolize.
Brainspotting to Repair Your Relationship with Yourself First, then with Others
At its core, Brainspotting helps you heal the parts of yourself that were hurt in relationship and went into hiding (in Internal Family Systems, we call these the “Exiles”)— so you can thrive in connection with others.
By accessing the body’s wisdom, clearing out emotional blocks, and soothing your nervous system, Brainspotting helps you become more present, resilient, and open-hearted. You don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns or reactive cycles. Healing is totally possible.
That scary moment or relationship doesn’t have to hold you back anymore — instead, you can use your hard earned wisdom as a way to create the kind of relationship that has enough room for you and your needs, too.
With that healing comes a powerful ripple effect: deeper intimacy, healthier boundaries, more honest communication—and a profound return to love, both for yourself and for others.
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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
3 Ways to Calm Your Nervous System as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Join me and Lauren LaSalle as we talk on her podcast The Highly Sensitive Podcast about three ways to calm your nervous system as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
I was a guest on the Highly Sensitive Podcast with Lauren LaSalle.
I shared about how I learned I was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and gave three tips about how to calm your nervous system as an HSP.
(Scroll down for the transcript.)
My HSP Story
Lauren: What was your experience like discovering that you were highly sensitive?
Joanne: I heard about it a couple years back during my pre-license years in therapy.
I think just the lights went on and everything kind of clicked and made sense in terms of just how readily aggravated I get over sensory experiences, especially in my environment.
I used to label myself as being very asocial and withdrawn and things like that.
I used to live with my in-laws for a good number of years. Being in a household full of vivacious people with all these sounds, I found myself coming home from work, going straight into my bedroom, turning off all the lights, putting my earplugs in, and going into bed.
Or in other times, we would have a big family gathering where they would hangout until past midnight. I would usually be the first to duck out because my eyes were glazing over from all of the activity and energy and I wouldn’t really be listening anymore.
I found out later that my in-laws wondered whether I was okay or thought that I didn’t like them.
Once I learned that I was HSP, how my body felt and what I did all made sense.
I explained to my in-laws that my body needed to decompress from all that happened during the day, and that it wasn’t personal. Because a lot of them were also HSPs, they understood. Now they know how to interpret my reactions.
To smooth things over, nowadays I just tell people, “Hey, I need to go decompress. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” and help my body and brain recharge. It’s a neutral, regular, and routine thing I do these days.
Lauren: Wow. I can't even imagine living with, I mean, even my own parents again, let alone my in-laws. That sounds really tough as an HSP.
Joanne: Fortunately, my in-laws are really great. They're emotionally fluent enough where I can share how I'm feeling and they're okay.
It's more the sensory experiences of just there being a lot of chatter I hear through the walls and pots and pans clanging and things like that.
I think having agency over my own immediate space has been super helpful. Having my own office space was actually a huge plus for my own personal emotional and mental health, because I get to control the space however I want to and add all kinds of very soothing features to it in ways that I wouldn't have been able to at home.
What is Trauma?
Lauren: Not only are you highly sensitive, but you are also a therapist who works with highly sensitive people. What are some examples of how normal events can be traumatic for HSPs and kind of what can cause this to happen?
Joanne: I like thinking about things through the lens of our nervous system in terms of how overwhelmed it gets.
Often when people think about reactivity, they think about the actions people do in response to being stressed. There's less of a focus about how a person gets stressed to begin with.
I would say there is a general window by which we are supposed to be stimulated throughout the day, like the sun rises or the coffee machine works, et cetera. Generally we're supposed to take those stimuli and use them to kind of wake up and engage the day.
It's just that for HSPs that window is a lot smaller where we can get readily flooded all too easily and non HSPs they're like, I don't even notice a difference.
When that overstimulation happens for an extended period of time it really wears away at the body, at the nervous system with cortisol (the stress hormones) constantly coursing through our veins. Cortisol has been shown to actually erode some aspects of our bodily function, it actually impacts some organs.
It's this deadly cycle where we get overstimulated more readily, our bodies are under a lot of strain, we make reactive decisions that often make hard things worse, and then there's more strain and then it just keeps spiraling through.
Generally I define trauma more openly than other therapists might. I don't just consider those big dramatic events, like a car crash or assault or things like that as trauma. I define trauma as any event, big or small, that gives people a very concentrated set of feeling out of control, feeling like they're in danger, or feeling embarrassed.
That last piece would I think give a lot of people more empathy towards themselves.
If a person when they're growing up in their elementary school classroom gets called on by a teacher to answer a question on the board, some kids might be like, oh, this is super exciting I can finally show off what I can do, and they answer the question on the board, that's taken as a very positive experience. But for a lot of people, especially HSPs, who are called on the spot, they weren't expecting it.
Getting called on itself is very stressful on top of getting all this attention from everyone in the classroom, and then they might actually turn beat red. Therefore also losing control over their own bodily experiences and would be super embarrassed. They will be socially isolated, or at least internally, that's how they would interpret it.
That event, which normally will be considered a very normal, day-to-day experience, is a traumatic event. Later down the line, the person might have a lot of anxiety when it comes to giving presentations at work.
These are the actual kinds of situations that I help my therapy clients with in the present day.
Lauren: I love that example because as you were talking about it, I started to feel anxious. Because I was one of those people where if the teacher called on me, even if I knew the answer, it was a total blank. Like, I have no idea what's going on. I feel all hot and like everybody's looking at me and like I just kind of want to disappear. So I can totally relate to that, and I'm sure a lot of people will be able to as well.
Joanne: Being sensitive not just towards being put on the spot, but also other people's energies and emotions, and also sensitivity towards one’s own bodily functions.t's kind of like a triple, quadruple dose of stimulation.
It will definitely lead people to shut down and afterwards having shut down then there's a lot of the shame talk. Like, oh, why couldn't I be like Tommy? Or why did I do this? Like, I'm so dumb, et cetera.
And that's adding several extra layers.
Lauren: I like how you define trauma too, because I think I've done that as well with my clients. I think a lot of people just think, oh, trauma is these big events that happen, but it really can be seemingly smaller events. Just because it doesn't affect one person negatively doesn't mean that it's not going to really, really affect somebody else and have a lasting impact on them. I really like that definition.
Joanne: What I also like about that definition is that we can also flip it upside down to talk about what kinds of experiences help an HSP heal, or general person, but HSPs all the more.
If trauma is any experience, big or small, that leads a person to feel super out of control, super in danger or embarrassed, then healing would be any experience, big or small, that helps a person feel like they're in self-control, that they're super safe and secure and feeling seen, known and validated.
Finding ways to give ourselves more of those experiences on purpose, integrating that into our day-to-day lives is super important, because in the same way that we would be bothered more readily by different things that come up, we could also be readily soothed then for non HSPs.
It goes both ways. That's the nice thing about it.
Responsiveness and Attunement
Lauren: I think that's so interesting that research has found that. It's just a really strange thing. I wouldn't have thought that that would be the case. I guess it's kind of sad in a way, but it's kind of nice also that even though we can be negatively affected by things more than the average person, we can actually be more affected by positive things, too.
Joanne: It eventually kind of breaks even, you know?
It's just that neutral stimulation. Less so having a moral charge of good and bad towards it.
I think for that reason, those who are highly sensitive or are in relationships with HSPs need to be particularly attentive to noticing things in our environment like, five senses.
Like bringing in more greenery, for example.
Even those small things can have their own compound interest, if you will. It just keeps snowballing so that even when a person comes home, if their environment is very soothing, then they can actually recharge a lot more quickly than for someone who's not particularly paying attention and they're still getting aggravated along the way.
I would say that the HSP trait prompts one to need more responsiveness and attunement and more intentionality to their daily experiences.
Lauren: I agree. And I've started to try, I mean, now I have a six month old at home so that's just another added layer on top of everything. As a new mom you hear, you don't have to keep up with the dishes and all of this, it's okay because you're busy, which I totally agree with. But on the flip side, if I don't, it stresses me out. If there's stuff all over the place, I lose my mind. So I know that for my own mental health, I also have to be as much on top of dishes, laundry, and cleaning up clutter as I can be. Otherwise it's going to go rapidly downhill.
Joanne: It's not about being particular or about having high standards or whatnot. The alternative is I'm just going to be irritable all the time.
We give our nervous systems a chance to breathe more easily.
Using Brainspotting to Decompress
Lauren: So what are some other things that we can do to help our nervous systems other than being really intentional about our surroundings?
Joanne: There are two approaches that I use most of the time in therapy. One is the Enneagram Personality framework. The other is called brainspotting, which is a derivative of EMDR, another trauma therapy technique.
Brainspotting is actually what we do naturally, just not on purpose.
If you've ever seen a veteran who is back in civilian life and they're kind of sitting on a bench and they're staring off into space. That's an example of brainspotting.
The person doesn't quite know that they're internally processing, but their lizard brain is definitely trying to metabolize some stressful things. Obviously, for veterans, they've gone through a lot.
HSPs tend to do that, staring off into space a lot more often. It's just that the idea of staring off into space is not socially acceptable. It's as if someone is not engaged or disinterested or whatever.
Often when someone is sitting, staring off into space, the people around them are like, hey, are you okay?
But in actuality, the person's brain is saying, no, I just need to sit and do nothing and decompress.
What I recommend for clients who come in, they find out that they're HSP or they've known for some time, but they're wanting to know how can I de-stress as soon as possible. I would say give yourself permission to sit and zone out for at least five minutes uninterrupted.
The emphasis is on permission.
Often when we have those experiences, when we're checked out, there's a lot of judgment and shame around it. When our body's actually trying to recover, when we bring in that judgment, then that actually sets up a whole bunch of triggers that ends up adding more stress than even before we start zoning out.
If a person can give themselves at least three to five minutes of zone out time throughout the day. Great!
If a person does it five minutes every hour, the five minutes will help decompress whatever happened within that 55 minutes prior, and then again, and again, and again. Really taking advantage of breaks.
Let's say a person's work environment is not conducive to that kind of stuff. Where it's an open office and everyone's talking all the time. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and then just sit there for a couple extra minutes so that you can have uninterrupted time where you can just allow your body to metabolize whatever comes up.
Brainspotting traditionally is using specifically one's eye position and zoning out while looking at that particular spot. It's just that a lot of people might do so accidentally where they're zooming in on a negative experience and then end up ruminating.
My encouragement for people is that instead of focusing on what's bothering them to scan their body. Look for the most neutral or the most pleasant or grounding spot.
Then while they're focusing on that spot notice where their eyes naturally gravitate towards and then stare there… for not too long because this is originally a therapy approach, so it really should be done with a therapist. Especially when processing difficult things. But because our bodies reflexively do it anyway, it will be good for people to try that on purpose.
An idea with brainspotting is where you look affects how you feel. So it's kind of hacking that towards HSPs.
Lauren: That's so cool! I'm guessing doing this might help with falling asleep at night. I know a lot of us, if we have trouble falling asleep, it's because our brain won't shut off. I'm guessing if you give yourself breaks during the day to process things instead of leaving it all to when you're trying to fall asleep, then it will help with the time it takes to fall asleep.
Joanne: Focusing on a very soothed or relaxed part of your body, noticing where your eye naturally drifts to and staring off in that place and just noticing whatever comes up.
We don't have to analyze or anything. It's better that we don't analyze.
Another approach is to focus on what you would like to feel. Thinking of either a time in your life, a memory, or if you don't have a particular memory, make up a scenario.
For some people it might be laying in a hammock with a cocktail in your hand in front of the beach. Focusing on that until you experience the body sensations and then notice where your eye looks and then stare there.
You can use either of those approaches. No fancy equipment necessary. You could actually do this while you're laying in bed in the dark. It's kind of a nice, handy way to do so.
Lauren: I'm gonna try that. I've heard of brainspotting through working, but I've never, gone further than just hearing about what it is. So that's really interesting to learn about that. I'm glad you brought that.
Joanne: We don't have one brain, we have three, and they're very much interconnected.
So if someone, having gone through a bad situation, and they have negative emotions and their body shows it. Facial expressions or the posture or whatnot. The reverse is also true as well.
When people actually simulate a posture that's associated with either positive or relaxed experiences, maybe even power postures, that's something that has been gaining more popularity nowadays, that can also affect how we feel on the inside.
It's just that the highly sensitive person trait often is associated with social experiences of making oneself small or meek or gentle or quiet, caring, et cetera.
I would actually even encourage HSPs to practice living as if they're not HSPs, at least in their bodies. That can actually create a different feedback loop.
Lauren: I like that.
Joanne: I might encourage a non HSPs to actually practice being like HSPs. So it goes both ways
Lauren: I'm so glad you brought all of this to the podcast because I hadn't talked about some of these things before. Your expertise is much appreciated.
Joanne: It's a great space. I'm really thankful that you have this avenue for people to really learn more about themselves and take good care.
Top Two, Bottom Two
Lauren: Thank you. So is there anything that we haven't talked about yet that you wanted to make sure you brought up?
Joanne: In terms of the five senses, one thing I talk about with people is in noticing which of the five senses are your top two? Like you notice it all too readily. They either bother you or they please you very easily.
Then what are your bottom two senses?
For me, I'm super easily affected by sight and touch. My bottom two senses are taste and smell.
It actually has been a very healing journey for me personally. I used to dissociate a lot. In actually tapping into those bottom two senses and trying to reconnect with my physical body.
I happen to do so by making cocktails. That's been a fun experience for me because I'm really focusing in on what usually takes more effort. That's helped me to connect with a present versus drifting away into wherever I tend to go in my mind and my feelings.
Lauren: I like that.
So how can people connect with you?
Joanne: I have my website, olivemecounseling.com. I'm also on Facebook and Instagram. I do also have a side business called Intelligent Emotions and that is an online course where I help people find out how to navigate with their big feelings.
Often if we leave our big feelings as they are, they tend to spiral into a vortex. It's a self paced course where people can find out that emotions are actually very logical and they actually have a system of their own. We're just not ever taught about it. Those two things:
OliveMe Counseling or Intelligent Emotions, that's the name of the course.
Lauren: Thank you so much for being here. I think a lot of people will benefit from what you shared with us.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Do Brainspotting on Yourself (Gazespotting)
Brainspotting can help your nervous system soothe itself when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Read more about how to do a specific type of Brainspotting even outside of therapy!
DISCLAIMER: The Brainspotting approach mentioned here is meant to help your body decompress from stress accumulated from a busy day, NOT to help you process trauma. This post is NOT meant to be a replacement for therapy, just to help you wind down and rest more readily.
If you have trauma triggers or really intense emotional reactivity, find a therapist near you.
Your body knows how to heal itself
Brainspotting is a therapy modality that’s been gaining more attention in recent years because of how well it helps people process emotional reactivity, trauma, and dissociation.
As a derivative of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Brainspotting also utilizes eye positions. David Grand, the founder of Brainspotting, says, “Where you look affects how you feel.”
Many of my therapy clients who’ve tried both EMDR and Brainspotting say that they prefer the latter, hands down, because of how intuitive it can be and how deeply yet quickly it helps people resolve their pain.
One of the best things about Brainspotting is that this is actually something our bodies intuitively know how to do. Staring off into space, eyes glazed over, is an example.
Gazespotting (one specific type of Brainspotting) is a useful tool to keep in your back pocket, especially if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person or if your life circumstances are super busy and/or chaotic that you often feel overwhelmed (parents of young kiddos, I see you!).
Gazespotting is much more helpful than Netflix binging or scrolling mindlessly on social media, since you don’t actually feel more rested after those things.
No fancy equipment necessary for Gazespotting - you just need 5-7 minutes (15 minutes, even better!).
You can do this anywhere and anytime you don’t have anything you need to focus on (i.e., don’t do this excessively at work or while driving - otherwise you might make mistakes or miss your exit!).
How to do DIY Brainspotting
Reminder, don’t try to do trauma processing by yourself. Brainspotting is like deep water diving - the further below the surface you go into your subconscious, the darker and more disorienting it gets. Divers have someone else sitting in the boat on the surface, ready to pull them out when it’s getting too risky or when it’s time. The Brainspotting therapist is that someone else.
Here are the steps for Gazespotting:
Recommended timing: Once around lunch time, once around dinner time, and once before going to bed (basically, when your body and mind needs a break from work/focus mode).
Set an alarm for 7 minutes, with a pleasant alarm tone.
Focus on a part of your body that feels the most GROUNDED, NEUTRAL, and CALM. Rate that feeling from 1-10 (10 - most relaxed).
Then, look around in your room (first from left to right at eye level, then up/down) and find a spot where you feel even MORE relaxed.
Zone out while staring at that spot until the timer goes off.
Just notice whatever comes up - none of this needs to make sense to your analytical brain.
When the timer goes off, close your eyes, scan your body, and stretch your body to reset and be fully present again.
Don’t do this for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Better to do it more frequently than longer durations.
If you’re still feeling checked out, drink some water. Notice the temperature of the water as it goes down.
BONUS: If you’re feeling super reactive and have a hard time calming, here’s a great video that my work wife Melinda Olsen made about Vergence, another type of Brainspotting you can do yourself!
Power of Permission
The main difference between Gazespotting and you accidentally zoning out is your INTENTION.
When you zone out reflexively, you might often judge yourself because society deems those who are inactive as being “lazy”, “sluggish”, “unproductive”, etc.
You might judge yourself, or others around you might judge. But when you give yourself PERMISSION to zone out, a huge internal switch happens.
When you zone out DESPITE your plans, you feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, OUT OF CONTROL, and ASHAMED. This adds more strain to your nervous system, which makes you more reactive.
When you zone out because you WANT to, you experience the feelings of AGENCY and SELF-CONTROL. This helps the nervous system soothe.
Practice giving yourself PERMISSION to rest, zone out, do nothing. Then see what happens.
A loud inner critic…
When your inner critic/Manager part starts criticizing you for not getting work done:
Say thank you to that part for wanting to help you
Say that what it’s doing is not actually helping because it’s adding MORE stress that shuts you down further
Tell that part that what you’re needing right now is to turn your nervous system back on and that you need to turn off your brain for a while to do just that
Say that you’ll ask for your inner critic’s help again when it’s the right time. Now is not that time.
Reset the timer to 5 minutes.
Resume gazespotting.
A Rhythm of Relaxing
Gazespotting is something I’ve integrated into my normal daily routine during lunch breaks, when I come home from work (sitting in my car for an extra 5 min before going inside), or winding down at the end of the day in bed.
More frequent, shorter runs are better than having stress buildup on your nervous system. If you really don’t have chunks of time to do this, doing this for 1 minute every hour between meetings or activities would still do wonders for your mind, heart, and body.
Start incorporating this wherever you are, and see where this takes you. The key words are “INTENTION” and “PERMISSION.”
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© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How Does Brainspotting Work?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a way to jumpstart our bodies’ natural ability to process experiences reactive emotional experiences like anxiety, depression, overwhelm, and shame, heal from trauma, and enhance significant relationships. Learn how Brainspotting works, and what benefit Brainspotting therapy may offer you so that you can feel grounded and present to engage life to the fullest.
In my other post, I described what Brainspotting (BSP) is: a way to jumpstart our bodies’ natural ability to process experiences and heal.
That all sounds good, but how exactly does it work?
Where You Look Affects How You Feel
Have you ever noticed where your eyes go when you’re thinking about something painful? Joyful? Sad?
Try thinking of a recent event that was somewhat upsetting (don’t think of the biggest painful event - pick something smaller for the purpose of this exercise).
What thoughts come up?
What emotion do you feel right now?
Where do you feel that emotion in your body?
Where are you looking?
What happens when you look to the left? Middle? Right? Up? Down? Does the body/emotional experience become heightened? Dampened? Move/change?
For me, when I’m reflecting on a past event that’s tinged with sadness, my eyes tend to look to my bottom left. When I’m excited or angry and ready to engage something head on, I tend to look to the dead-center. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I tend to stare off into the distance to my top left.
What is a Brainspot?
Brainspots are the eye positions that give you more direct access to the emotions/body sensations (for better or for worse). Everyone has Brainspots for different emotional states (and corresponding thoughts/beliefs) or for various processing experiences. Our Brainspots aren’t particularly fixed - I can feel sadness when I’m looking elsewhere, too, but it’s just that I tend to more immediately connect to that emotional state when I’m looking in that direction.
When processing through a particular event (e.g., the death of my pet), my Brainspot can change locations depending on what specifically I am sorting through in that particular moment (i.e., I should have spent more time with her, I miss her, what would things be like now? She’s not in pain anymore, so she’s okay now).
Once I find a Brainspot and allow myself to just notice whatever thoughts, emotions, body sensations to come and go, eventually the emotional charge will dissipate because I will have fully processed it. (Mind you, I am better practiced in Brainspotting, so you might not be able to easily do this by yourself.)
Whatever might have been initially upsetting would shift into something more soothing/grounding. Instead of being knocked off balance from having been triggered, I would be able to be more calm and ready to engage whatever is ACTUALLY happening in front of me, not what I THINK or FEEL is happening.
Intentionally noticing where our eyes go when we’re reflecting on something (vs. accidentally finding ourselves doing so) and dedicating focused attention on it until we fully process that experience is what Brainspotting Therapy is about.
Can’t I Just Do Brainspotting By Myself?
It’s entirely possible for us to do Brainspotting on our own. This is called Self-Brainspotting (duh).
Gazespotting (the thousand-mile stare) is one example of Self-Brainspotting, though a lot of people might find themselves accidentally doing it and getting caught in the emotional whirlpool that amplifies their reactions.
For more mild discomforting experiences (feeling jittery about your upcoming interview), experimenting with the steps listed above, then finding an eye position that you can “massage out” the “emotional knot” with might be enough for you to move forward.
However, there is a risk to this: Once you open that barrel, you might find that there’s more stuff tangled up with it that you might not be able to handle by yourself. Once the barrel’s opened, you might not be able to close it easily until everything in there is cleared out.
If you sense that this might be the case for you, it would be best for you to connect with a Brainspotting-trained therapist who can help you process the heavy-duty stuff and can also train you how to safely do it on your own (when appropriate).
Why Brainspotting Therapy?
Imagine that processing significant experiences is like deep water diving. The further down the diver swims (into their nonconscious/subcortical brain), the darker the water gets and the harder it becomes to tell which side is up. When people get triggered, they feel disoriented because the past messily spills into the present.
Deep diving is still necessary to dig through the shipwreck remains (process painful experiences) and excavate lost treasure (gain fresh perspectives and healing), but in order for the diver to go deeper more effectively (and make it back unscathed), they need another person to be sitting in the boat on the surface who’s trained to reliably pull the diver out when it’s time or when things get risky. That person is the Brainspotting therapist.
Sometimes, the sheer knowledge that there’s someone sitting on the boat watching out for their wellbeing may infuse the diver with greater peace and courage to dive even more deeply than they would doing it alone.
What Does Brainspotting Therapy Involve?
In a typical talk therapy session, the client usually shares about whatever they’re experiencing, with the therapist asking questions, supporting them in enhancing self-insight, reframing perspectives, or teaching new skills. However, the benefits of talk therapy can be limited if the client gets so emotionally triggered outside of session that they forget whatever they learned in session.
Brainspotting Therapy involves the therapist intentionally giving space for the client to process out emotional reactions as they come up in session, instead of just talking about them.
For example, if the client is feeling a knot in their stomach at the thought of giving a presentation, the Brainspotting therapist asks them to notice what thoughts, emotions, and body sensations they’re feeling now, then prompts them to find a specific Brainspot/eye position where the client feels it all more directly.
Once the Brainspot is found, the client directs their full attention on whatever is happening inside of them, while the therapist directs their full attention on the client from the outside. The Brainspotting process continues until the client has fully processed the issue or until session time comes to an end.
Since Brainspotting is a subcortical, deep-brained rapid processing method, the client may feel emotionally exhausted afterwards (think of each Brainspotting experience as equivalent to 10+ talk therapy sessions!). The client’s body will also likely be continuing processing for whatever else is left. In the following session, the therapist checks in on what emotional residues seem to remain with the topic, and continue Brainspotting as needed or desired.
What comes next?
Stop getting caught in the emotional whirlpool!
If you’ve tried and felt frustrated with regular talk therapy, or if you’re finding yourself getting triggered often, Brainspotting Therapy might be right for you.
If you’re in California, let’s see if you and I might be a good fit!
If you’re still unsure about Brainspotting therapy and want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting is a brain-based processing method similar to EMDR that channels the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding specific eye positions (Brainspots) linked to unprocessed stress experiences stored in the brain and letting the body “detox”.
Thousand-Mile Stare
You may have seen people stare off blankly into space, deeply reflecting on something or being emotionally detached from what’s happening around them. They're not really looking AT anything, in particular but just off into the distance in that general direction. Their eyes are directed outward, but their focus is directed inward. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is attempting to process through a memory with the emotions and thoughts related to it.
When we see others doing this, we often wonder, "Are they okay?" and shake them out of it. Sometimes, we might be hurt or offended and say, "Are you listening to me?" because it seems like they're not (to be fair, they probably aren't, so it's okay for you to feel hurt). In shaking the person back to reality, they might be able to "come back" to the present to engage whatever is in front of them (i.e., continue the conversation, work, drive).
However, THAT they're spacing out isn't bad per se. THAT they're often in a daze or daydreaming might indicate that their body is needing an intentional regular space to sort through their internal experiences. The issue is they might:
Do it at the wrong time or at the wrong place (e.g., in the middle of work)
Accidentally further upset themselves and make reactive decisions that make matters worse (e.g., they get triggered at work, ruminate on it throughout the day, become more upset, then come home and kick the dog).
Their bodies are TRYING to take care of themselves but are unsuccessful at it. During these times, they probably need someone else who’s steady and grounded to serve as an anchor as they're doing a deep dive into their unconscious. They need someone who's trained to be attuned to them, not interfere with their processing, and pull them back to the surface when it's time.
For these individuals, Brainspotting therapy would be a great resource for them.
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a brain-based processing method that taps into the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that often generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding the specific eye positions that directly connect to where unprocessed stress is stored in the brain so that the body can “detox”.
Brainspotting directly accesses our “lower brain” where emotionally charged experiences are stored, far out of reach of the thinking “higher brain.” By doing so, we can process them more deeply and rapidly than we might with traditional talk therapy or with reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning useful skills.
Our bodies pick up stimuli (body sensations, emotions, information, etc.) throughout the day that is supposed to get processed often when we’re in deep sleep (REM cycle) but also when we’re in a reflective, meditative trance-like state (intentionally thinking about something and feeling the emotions that come with it).
However, when we experience something that’s too new, too scary, or too overwhelming, that overloads our bodies’ natural ability to process and heal. These stimuli can get “stuck” in our bodies in splintered form, waiting until the conditions are right in the future for us to deliberately process them. Unfortunately, most people aren’t practiced in going back to process old things, so these old things just sit there, pile up, and fester until something new happens that dumps all that old, past unprocessed stuff into the present and makes things messier. This is what being triggered means.
Think of it as what happens when we have leftovers: because we can’t finish the meal in one sitting, we save it for later. A lot of times, many of us forget that we have leftovers to finish, and we find out only when we open the fridge to see that there’s no more room or when things start to smell.
Brainspotting jumpstarts the body’s natural processing mechanism to sort out the old stuff into different piles:
What to keep (long-term memory)
What to process (emotions associated with past events that need to be experienced/expressed)
What to throw away (old perspectives, irrelevant details)
Afterwards, the “fridge” gets cleared out so that there’s more room to take in new things. When the old stuff is fully processed, the person won’t be triggered as often or intensely, thereby becoming able to be fully present to engage whatever’s in front of them, respond accordingly, and perhaps even to enjoy the moment.
How Do I Sign Up?
If you find yourself often:
getting stuck on a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and memories
lashing out at others and having to apologize later
staring off into space or daydreaming, when you really need to pay attention
having trouble focusing or remembering things
procrastinating and beating yourself up for it
easily getting knocked off emotional balance
feeling like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, or overreaction is a daily reality
…then Brainspotting Therapy might be a good fit for you.
If you’re in California, let’s work together!
Learn how Brainspotting works in a related post!
If you want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Struggling with emotional triggers or intimacy issues in your relationships because you were hurt in the past? Brainspotting is a powerful trauma therapy that helps you release past wounds stored in the body—so you can clearly see and effectively attend to each new person and moment clearly for what it is, instead of what your old trauma ghosts tell you they are.