How the Enneagram Adds Dimensions to the Genogram (ft. the Bridgertons)

Your Family Tree Tapestry has Texture

Have you’ve ever looked at your family members and thought,

“How the hell are we even related?!”

If so, you’re not alone, and there’s a whole picture that show us how the pieces fit together.

Introducing the Genogram.

A genogram is like your family tree’s emotionally intelligent cousin that give us a whole lot more information than just the names of each member.

It gives us the structure, the who’s-who, the space between individuals, and the major plot points of our family stories across generations.

Here’s an example from the show FRIENDS, centered around Ross Geller (read the blog):

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At a glance, you can literally see generational patterns, roles, expectations, ripple effects of traumas, and emotional legacies.

The genogram also maps out not just people, but also patterns — conflict, closeness, trauma, cutoffs, alliances, enmeshments, and triangulations — the nature of the relationship between members of the family.

Because we’re also seeing the bird’s eye view at a glance, LACK of information is also information — for example, if there’s a ton about your mom’s side about the family but nothing about your dad’s side, this is not nothing.

Why the lack of details? Is it emotional cutoff or estrangement? Is it that your dad doesn’t have a connection with his family or that you don’t have a relationship with him?

What’s NOT present is just as informational as what is.

The Genogram reveals a ton already. But when you also throw in the Enneagram?

That’s when things get real juicy. It’s switching from black-and-white to full color, or from outline sketch to textured tapestry — so many more dimensions are evident at a glance, just by adding a few more letters.

Birth order and gender (a la genogram) matter, but they don’t guarantee certain experiences.

Each person’s own personality (a la Enneagram) play a HUGE role in how each actually interpret and react to various experiences.

This is especially evident for identical twins. (Think of Phoebe & Ursula from FRIENDS: everything is the same except for personality — and see how drastically contrasted their relationship patterns & life trajectories are!)

Personality is in the Enneagram’s wheelhouse, zhuzhing up the genogram without taking up much space on the page.

(Here are blogs about the 9 Enneagram types, 3 instincts, & 27 subtypes.)

Enter the Bridgertons: Family Roles, Public Reputations, & Internalized Responsibilities

In this blog, we’re diving into how the Enneagram reveals the emotional fabric of family dynamics — and what better example than the drama-laden, emotionally dynamic world of the Bridgertons, where we meet the picture-perfect family of 8 children, 1 widowed mama, 1 GINORMOUS estate, and WAY more expectations than anyone knows what to do with.

SPOILER ALERT: This blog covers content up to the beginning of Season 3 in the Netflix adaptation. You have been warned!

We’ll be zooming in on three characters in particular,

• Daphne (Enneagram 2, SX/SO)

• Anthony (Enneagram 1, SX/SO)

• Violet (Enneagram 2, SO/SX)

…exploring how each of them:

• Engage life in alignment with their Enneagram type

• Occupy specific roles in the family (context matters!!)

• Could benefit from some serious therapy to heal their relationships, especially with themselves.

Here’s the the Bridgerton Family Tree:

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In the eyes of the Ton, the Bridgertons are a loving family that screams unity, perfection, & class.

But behind the scenes?

Anxiety. Pressure. Comparison. Loneliness. Burnout. Grief. Resentment.

…and roles so entrenched that they’re practically titles in and of themselves:

• The Matriarch/Puppet Master (Violet)

• The Third Parent (Anthony)

• The Failure-to-Launch Backup (Benedict)

• The Carefree Kid (Colin)

• The Golden Child (Daphne)

• The Rebel/Black Sheep (Eloise)

• The Recluse (Francesca)

• The Twins/Babies (Gregory & Hyacinth)

Here’s what the Bridgerton’s genogram looks like, and how much more info it has than their family tree, especially in the space between members:

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No One’s Patterns Exist in a Vacuum

…but within a very specific social context. These roles (influenced by birth order, personality, gender roles/expectations, medical needs, trauma, etc.) reinforce each other — namely, they come as a set, fulfilling very specific emotional roles for the collective/family.

Hence, anytime there’s an addition or removal of one member (e.g., through birth, death, marriage, moves, or physical/mental health issues), the equilibrium is shaken up so that the roles may be redistributed according to who’s left. (If the Peacemaker in the family marries off and moves away, who’s going to fill that gap next?)

Each Bridgerton already had a personality leaning for certain family roles, but these roles became deeply established & entrenched especially after one major traumatic family event: the sudden death of Edmund Bridgerton, beloved husband, father, and 8th Viscount.

The Original Crisis that Solidified Family Roles

An idyllic father-son bonding time ended in a very traumatic, tragic, and disorienting shakeup for the whole family for years to come.

Watch the moment that knocked down the first domino:

Everyone in the Bridgerton family felt the gaping hole Edmund left behind.

But the tragic event’s impact is most evident in three key members who form the major family triangle:

• Daphne (Enneagram 2, SX/SO)

• Anthony (Enneagram 1, SX/SO)

• Violet (Enneagram 2, SO/SX)

Here’s the simplified genogram that reveals this triangle (green):

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Let’s set the scene & characters, shall we?

Daphne vs. Anthony:
Same Stimulus, Different Response

Birth order & gender experiences matter, but Enneagram personality (which we’re born with) matters even more in influencing how each interprets & responds to the same event.

Even if Anthony had been the second or third child, he would have still somehow become a pillar in the family because of his Enneagram type.

The direction a domino is set (NATURE) influences which way it’ll fall upon impact (NURTURE): same objective event, different subjective reactions.

Let’s first zoom in on the eldest daugther & son to see how this plays out, starting with Daphne (bc let’s be forreal — Daphne is likely to reach out to therapy long before Anthony does).

The Flawless Golden Child: Daphne
(Enneagram 2, Sexual/Social)

Poised, pretty, & practically perfect. “The Diamond of the Season” whom everyone sets as the golden standard — especially the next-in-line daughter Eloise, who considers herself a disappointment in Daphne’s shadow.

But unlike with Eloise (what we see is what we get), there’s much more happening behind the scenes with Daphne.

Behind Daphne’s halo? We find a spicy, masterful relationship engineer who skillfully shapeshifts into becoming the ultimate object of desire & envy (different spices to make herself appealing to different palates).

All Enneagram 2s (the Befriender) focus so much of their attention towards others (and away from their own inner world), intuitively sensing what makes people tick or turned on & deftly molding their relationships to their liking.

Compared to many other Enneagram types, Type Twos tend to be more romantic and idealistic, in pursuit of a love match (much like the one that Daphne’s parents enjoyed) as if that’s the #1 most important thing in life.

More specifically, Daphne is an Enneagram 2 SX/SO, meaning she has:

• a dominant Sexual (SX) instinct

• a secondary Social (SO) instinct

• a repressed Self-Preservation (SP) instinct

(Here’s more about the Enneagram instincts & subtypes.)

Here’s how this subtype shows up, compared to her mother Violet (also Enneagram 2, but different instinct sequence. More on Violet later!).

Dominant Sexual (SX) Instinct

As is the case for all Twos, Daphne's core need is to be loved, chosen, and indispensable. With her strong Sexual (SX) instinct in first place, her focus hones in on one meaningful, intimate, INTENSE connection (Hello, Simon!).

2 SXs are known to be the Queen (vs. 2 SO — the Empress, 2 SP — the Princess) who use their physical beauty, body language, and emotional dynamism to find and attract (*cough — seduce) their partner of choice.

Here’s an example of Daphne utilizing her wiles and to get the freakin’ Prince to KNEEL (Also to passive aggressively get back at Simon):

Among all the Bridgerton children, Anthony & Daphne share a particularly close bond, partly because of their positions as the Eldest son & daughter, but also because they both have a dominant Sexual instinct, which is focused on intense, 1:1 attachment with special individuals — partners, best friends, parents, kids, etc. (The SX isn’t always about sex. “Special” is the key word.)

A & D just GET each other, no words necessary. This is also why both of them form 2 corners of the triangle, their mother Violet being the third.

(Triangles (or triangulation) are the go-to relationship dynamic for those who have a loud SX instinct. More to come on this later.)

Second Social (SO) Instinct

In addition to being very vivacious & energetically dynamic, Daphne’s Social instinct prompts her to uphold a specific image, not just in the eyes of that one special person, but also in the collective: the Diamond of the Season for the Ton and the Perfect Daughter/Golden Child for her family.

Similar to the eldest son Anthony (Enneagram 1 SX/SO), Daphne is very aware of her position in the family as the eldest daughter and crown jewel of the Bridgerton household, seeking a suitable marriage match in order to:

• Alleviate the pressure on her dear brother Anthony’s shoulders

• Please her Mama

• Set a good example for her younger siblings

• Secure her family’s position in society

(Ultimately, the winning factor for her marriage is the SX value of love & romance, not particularly the SO value of duty & responsibility — that Simon is a Duke is a happy bonus, but not really the point.)

Like her mother Violet (2 SO/SX), Daphne is also a master image manager and relationship architect (i.e., meddling), but the latter isn’t as prevalent and extensive as it is for her Social-dominant mother.

Repressed Self-Preservation (SP) Instinct

Unlike Edwina Sharma (Enneagram 2 SP/SX), who takes on a very cutesy, childlike posture and is overly generous with flattery (Princess vs. Queen), Daphne is more spicy and ready to bite back at those (special) individuals who look down on her or consider her fragile (i.e., Anthony & Simon).

Her fiery Type 2 Pride + the lack of Self-Preservation guardrails leads Daphne to even LITERALLY jump into a duel (yes, with guns!!) meant to preserve her honor (because dumbass Anthony & Simon thinks she’s a helpless damsel in distress and that they’re each the valiant hero 🙄🤬).

Enneagram 2 Identity Crisis: Who Am I Now?

At the end of Season 1, Daphne becomes the family’s “success story,” the one who captures the Queen & the Ton’s attention, gets married first (to a freakin’ DUKE!), makes her Mama proud, and follows the rules…(mostly).

Even though she successfully snagged herself a titled husband by marrying Simon (4 SX/SP) in a very dramatic & emotionally turbulent way (typical for Enneagram 2 & 4 relationships), in Season 2, Daphne is confronted with a brand new problem never faced before:

• Now that she accomplished her family role, who is she now?

• Who is she when she’s no longer needed or in the spotlight in society?

• Now that she “won/conquered” Simon already and he’s focused on his business, who is she in his eyes?

Daphne built her whole identity around being desired. Wanted. Cherished. All for the sake of attaining love.

Turns out, being a wife or mother or a shiny success story doesn’t actually guarantee the feeling of love or intimacy. Though she always had this hole inside her, it’s more obvious now that she’s accomplished her Enneagram type-informed life mission.

After getting married & having a child (the first grandchild), Daphne switched gears away from the SX/1:1 focus and towards the SO/collective focus by trying to make herself indispensable in OTHER people’s lives.

Following in her mother 2 SO/SX Violet’s footsteps, Daphne injected herself into her dear brother Anthony’s love life, vetting Edwina for him (even though he never asked either of them for help) and trying to get him to pay attention to his REPRESSED AF feelings for Kate.

Mission accomplished? Yes. Anthony also gets hitched to the love of his life, making his Mama & sister’s hearts purr with delight.

…But NOW WHAT? What happens with Daphne now that Anthony too is wed? What’s her place now? Just go down the list of all the siblings that she’s not that close with? Or go back home and lean into motherhood, pining for Simon to return home from his business ventures?

Who is Daphne REALLY? *Cue existential identity struggle.

At the end of this blog, we’ll go into what Daphne might reach out to a therapist for. (Click here if you wanna fast forward to that section.)

But enough about the eldest daughter. Now’s time to zoom in on Anthony, the oldest son, the next Viscount, and the head of the Bridgerton household.

The Self-Abandoning Parentified Child: Anthony
(Enneagram 1, Sexual/Social)

When Edmund died, his mother completely collapsed under her grief, inadvertently dumping the entire weight of the whole household onto Anthony’s shoulders.

In the span of minutes, Anthony's status changed into the roles of:

• The 9th Viscount

• The head of the household

• Emotional Orphan

• Doubly Parentified Child

(How many 18-year-olds know how to handle taxes, let alone an entire estate, or lead an entire family?)

In Enneagram 1 fashion, Anthony didn’t even push back against this mantle but completely assumed responsibility on behalf of the whole family, obsessing about doing things “properly” while emotionally white-knuckling his way through his own grief and trauma.

His inner dialogue went probably like this:

Who has time for feelings? It doesn’t matter what I want. I have shit to take care of…especially because everyone else is a mess and/or completely unreliable.

(Do you hear the resentment?)

Dutiful, self-denying, workaholic, rigid, grumpy as hell…and terrified of messing it all up.

It wasn’t just because Anthony is the oldest son that he became the pillar of the family — even if he were second or third in the birth order, he would have likely ended up taking on WAY more responsibility than his share, because that’s built into the Enneagram 1 personality makeup: doing the rightful, responsible thing.

Had he been a firstborn son of another type (like Enneagram 4 or 7 — types that tend to avoid responsibility), the entire Bridgerton story would have turned out VERY differently.

(Think of eldest Featherington Prudence, whose father also suddenly died and whose family was in a more financially precarious situation, but her inclination was to do the LEAST amount of work possible and had zero problem letting other people take responsibility. She’s obviously not Type 1.)

Dominant Sexual (SX) Instinct

Like Daphne, Anthony has a dominant instinct that makes him very intense, passionate, and impulsive especially in one-on-one dynamics. This is most obvious in his relationship with mother Violet, favorite sister Daphne, and his (begrudgingly admitted) love interest Kate (Enneagram 8 SO/SX).

Unlike for Type 2s (whose type & SX instinct are in alignment), Type 1 goes the OPPOSITE direction as the SX instinct, making 1 SX into a countertype: the Type One that looks the least like Type Ones, compared to 1 SP & 1 SO.

More so than typical Type 1s, Anthony can exhibit 7ish and 4ish tendencies more readily, for better (his feelings are less repressed) and worse (his impulsive reactive tendencies spill over more).

Anthony is still (mostly) rigidly in control, but his passion and fire erupts more readily — what he thinks is to his detriment, but ultimately might be for his highest and best interest. (Thank goodness he married Kate!)

On the shadow side, the Improver energy of Type 1 gets directed OUTWARDS towards other people more than on himself, leading him to put pressure on others and and also more hypocritical than 1 SP & 1 SO would. (Daphne totally calls him out on this after she catches him & Kate in their almost-kiss.)

Secondary Social (SO) Instinct

Built into both Type One and the Social instinct are the central themes of roles, responsibilities, position, status, and influence.

Whereas Anthony’s dominant SX instinct dampens some One-ness, his secondary SO instinct reinforces it. As such, Anthony had a fairly easy time occupying the responsibility vacuum left behind by both of his parents upon his father’s death.

Social-dominant Ones are the “cool”, level-headed Ones who also become the Perfect Role Model for others to follow suit (think Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter), so Anthony tries hard to be the good older brother, the Viscount, and the head of the household, out of a fear of tarnishing the Bridgerton name and disappointing his late father.

But (as was Daphne’s case) the SX instinct still wins out over the SO instinct in his whirlwind of a love/hate romance with spinster Kate, overriding his duty-based intentions to marry her sister Edwina (the second Diamond of the Season).

Repressed Self-Preservation (SP) Instinct

Anthony’s fiery dominant SX instincts also occasionally hijack his Type One intentions because his guardrail, practical Self-Pres instinct is nowhere to be seen: his illicit hot/cold affair with Siena, being late to Daphne’s debuting first ball of the season (way to go, big brother!), and the reckless duel with Simon (that led to her sister literally getting caught in the middle).

Even though Type Ones are known for the Ready-Aim-Fire stance, Anthony occasionally accidentally FIRES first, and cleans up later. Hence, even though he’s very much a Type 1, his chaotic tendencies of swinging between extremes makes him seem very Enneagram Four-ish. (Great for TV drama!)

Enneagram 1 Emotional & Relationship Crisis:
When is it time for MY Wants & Needs?

Anthony’s resistance to admitting (let alone attending to) his wants & needs leads to him overinvolve himself in his others’ affairs — especially the firstborn daughter Daphne but also the second-in-line Benedict, regularly reminding them of their duties to support the family and set a good example for the younger siblings — while also getting resentful.

This also leads Anthony to clash with his 2 SO/SX mother Violet (who shares the same goal of marrying off the children, but for wildly different reasons — less duty, more romance — and different approaches — a more behind-the-scenes orchestration & emotional nurturing than criticism & orders).

Even though Violet finally reassumed her role in the family as Matriarch and in society as Dowager Viscountess, her emotional collapse & absence left indelible marks on the children, especially her firstborn.

Resentment simmers beneath Anthony’s stern, responsible front, especially towards his mother who both emotionally abandoned & saddled him with the dual parental role — not only is he the Big Brother & “Father”, but he’s also very “maternal” & emotionally involved.

Cold & distant is not a term to describe how Anthony shows up for ALL of his siblings, even the youngest brother Gregory despite the 16-year-age gap.

Watch Anthony’s warmth & tenderness for Gregory (in contrast to Gregory’s relationship with Violet throughout the Seasons — overlooked unless scolded for his playful pranks):

Anthony steps in, because Violet stepped back. (Another triangle!!)

This emotional backdrop of taking care of others’ at the expense of his own is what Kate Sharma steps into.

As a fellow oldest sibling + orphan + family pillar, she is the first/only person who deeply GETS him.

Part of the reason why Anthony’s passions stir out of control when she enters the scene is because her some of her Enneagram 8 SO/SX patterns of wildly defying social roles & expectations, not playing by the rules, defining her own path, and having her own one-up power stance to see him eye-to-eye (as EQUALS) shakes him out of his default overresponsible, Martyr + Savior + Protector stance. (That he doesn’t know what to do with her is good for him, even though he (love) hates it.)

For the first time in his life, someone really SEES Anthony’s grief & pain behind his strong, judgy exterior (think his panic attack triggered by Kate’s bee sting).

Anthony’s frozen trauma begin thawing, creating a messy slurry of feelings that he doesn’t know what the fuck to do with.

That he finally relents to love in marrying Kate isn’t the end of his redemption story. His healing journey continues long after they’re married and have their child.

There are a ton of things that might bring Anthony into therapy — keep reading! (Click here if you wanna jump to that section.)

Enough about the main characters of Seasons 1 & 2 (Whew!).

Now let’s focus on the third leg of the family triangle — Mama Bridgerton.

The Master Relationship Engineer: Violet
(Enneagram 2, Social/Sexual)

Even though Violet is not a main character (yet 🤞 — let’s hope she gets her own spinoff story!), she plays a MAJOR role behind-the-scenes.

Without a focus on her, we can’t fully understand Anthony or Daphne, as she is the one who singlehandedly reinforces both her eldest son & daughters’ Enneagram patterns.

Violet's grief after Edmund's death wasn’t just about loss — it was about an entire identity collapse. Her role as a wife vanished overnight.

After the initial grief shutdown (relationship losses for Enneagram 2s cut differently), she doubled down and threw herself entirely into her children’s lives, especially matchmaking. Why?

Because Social 2s derive worth from being indispensable to a group — in this case, her family and society at large. This is a much louder theme than for Daphne (2 SX/SO), who directs more energy towards 1:1 relationships.

Violet is warm and loving, but she also often blurs boundaries by injecting herself into her kids’ personal lives to feel connected with them (but then feeling hurt, bewildered, or at a loss when they push back — What to do with Eloise or Francesca?).

Her love seems generous (it’s clear she does care for her children), but it’s also a form of control and an expression of her own ego workings — about her centrality in the lives of those she loves.

Sometimes her well-meaning efforts to help leads her to inadvertently overriding her children’s experiences — most evident in the frustrations that Anthony, Daphne, Eloise, and Francesca feel & express to her.

Violet can’t fix her own grief, so she micromanages her children’s lives by engineering relationship opportunities behind the scenes with her partner-in-crime Lady Danbury (Enneagram 8 SO/SP), while still nudging them to seek romantic love above all else. (Mixed messages, much?)

Her overcompensating overinvolvement in her children’s lives puts her in a subtle power struggle with Anthony (vying for the head of household role), dragging the eldest daughter Daphne in as the battlefield and prize.

This puts all three members into a triangle deadlock in Season 1 — Daphne is triangulated into Anthony & Violet’s relationship with each other.

(In Season 2, Anthony becomes the target of Violet & Daphne’s attention, because Daphne simultaneously fulfilled her role in Violet’s eyes and initiated her own identity crisis by getting married.)

The Bridgerton Family Triangle:
Anthony, Daphne, & Violet

Here’s what the relationship between the three looks like in genogram form (the green triangle):

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Triangulation is a unhealthy but very common relationship dynamic when Party A & Party B don’t deal with each other directly and instead loop/drag in a third Party C to be the peacemaker, distraction, and/or prize. Party C serves as the pressure valve build up by A & B.

Usually the triangulated party ends up feeling controlled, burned out, and frustrated (because they’re objectified by the other two). Daphne eventually snapped back at both her mother & brother for meddling in her romantic life, feeling seen for just what she does, not for who she is/what she wants.

Had Edmund still been alive, he would likely have been the third Party between Anthony & Violet (purple triangle), since the relationship between the latter two even before his death was nowhere near as close/solid as each of their relationships with Edmund.

Triangles don’t form only from trauma or conflict — sometimes it’s just relative. The triangulated party is usually the path of least resistance.

If there were conflict between Anthony & Violet, they might have each attempted to get Edmund involved by lamenting to him rather than directly to the other party. If Edmund was emotionally mature, he would extricate himself from the triangle (detriangulate himself) and encourage them to hash things out with each other directly. But I guess we will never know…

Triangulation is a favorite dynamic especially for Enneagram 2s, but also for the Sexual instinct, as it’s the main instinct of rivalry and competition for a common prize (*cough prey).

Of these three characters’ Enneagram type & instinct setup, we have 2 Twos and 3 loud SX instincts:

• Anthony — Type 1 SX/SO

• Daphne — Type 2 SX/SO

• Violet — Type 2 SO/SX

After Daphne gets married to Simon (Enneagram 4SX/SP — that’s a whole ‘nother story of relationship drama…Double SX-dominant types + Type 2/4 combo!) at the end of Season 1, Anthony becomes the new focal point of attention in Season 2. The triangle continues, now with Daphne being the meddling one in Anthony’s love affairs.

When Anthony too finds his love match and he goes off on his honeymoon (taking off his head-of-household + parental + Viscount + older brother hats), this triangle loses steam.

Anthony’s attention is (entirely) elsewhere towards a new party D (Kate) and he (finally) gives himself permission to focus on fulfilling his own wants & needs.

Without this triangle to consume her time & energy, what is Violet Bridgerton to do next? Eloise hasn’t shown the faintest interest in finding a love match…so it must be Benedict (who’s very slippery) or Colin (who seems so confident that he might not need help?)…right?

With Anthony on his honeymoon & Daphne off to her duchy with her husband and child, Violet needs a third corner of the triangle so that she doesn’t have to think about herself & her own needs (*cue Enneagram 2 nausea 🤢).

Fortunately (?), her trusty bestie Lady Danbury (Enneagram 8 SO/SP) also has all the time in the world with no drama to keep herself entertained and no new chess pieces to maneuver.

And so another triangle is formed in Season 3…with Francesca (Enneagram 5 SX/SP), the latest Diamond of the Season….and Violet’s latest project.

The Enneagram: The Cage That Used to Protect Us that Now Keep Us Stuck

At its core, the Enneagram points to nine different themes that serve as speed-dial reactions to life’s challenges.

Each type’s patterns are coping strategies & defense mechanisms that USED to be helpful when we were actually vulnerable and without many resources and opportunities.

But as we grow up & gain more abilities, our autopilot patterns don’t always upgrade accordingly, especially when there’s trauma.

We don’t realize that we’re STUCK in one of nine patterns until our handy go-to tools just don’t work anymore, but actually start CREATING problems.

How Enneagram Patterns USED to Help

With our beloved Bridgerton trio, this is how their Enneagram types & subtypes used to help them feel secure in the wake of Edmund’s death:

• Anthony (Enneagram 1 SX/SO) — Being right, strong, competent, responsible, and in self-control gave him a sense of purpose & orientation in the midst of crisis & chaos from loss. Directing that Improver energy outwards (SX/SO) “protected” him from directing it towards himself (SP), because he might have completely shut down & collapsed alongside his unraveling mother when his family really did need someone to take charge.

• Daphne (Enneagram 2 SX/SO) — Being attractive, beautiful, pleasing, and magnetic gave her a toolbox of soft power, molding her image (and therefore her relationships) so that she can simultaneously fulfill her duty as the eldest daughter, take care of her mother & siblings, and also enjoy a romantic & emotionally fulfilling relationship like her parents did — all to avoid ever feeling unloved or alone.

• Violet (Enneagram 2 SO/SX) — Being emotionally attuned and able to discern & navigate behind-the-scenes social dynamics gave her ways of engineering/fostering relationships so that she’ll always have a place in their lives and have something to fill her broken widow heart. As an only child who yearned for connections while growing up with an emotionally cold & critical mother (Lady Ledger), Violet always dreamed having a large & actively interconnected family, with herself at the center.

How Enneagram Patterns now lead to Hurt

Unfortunately, these very entrenched patterns are the very things that prevent us from getting our true needs met.

• Anthony — Having sworn off his own wants & needs, he became more bitter, resentful, and rigid in controlling others. His inability to relax made him more judgmental of others, creating further chasms in his relationships and actually sabotaging his ability to provide for & protec the family. Because he was so (overly) responsible, his next siblings in line Benedict & Colin were able to spread their wings freely to pursue their interests without worry. They got a chance to indulge in their own desires freely, leaving Anthony feeling further alone and trapped the eldest son role & head of household responsibilities.

• Daphne — Once she accomplished her mission of getting married, Daphne lost her spotlight society as well as her identity as the Golden Child. Having also “locked” Simon into marriage, there wasn’t someone whose attention to attract anymore, meaning her soft power toolbox was becoming less and less relevant each day. Her attempt to make herself indispensable again by involving herself in Anthony’s love drama and creating a new triangle with her husband & child only bought her so much time until she was back to her identity crisis of “Who am I?”.

• Violet — Though she still has a number of children to marry off to buy herself time from also dealing with the Type 2 identity crisis, Violet was deeply shaken up to lose the Viscountess title to Anthony’s wife Kate. What happens now? Where do I even physically live? Will I still be invited to society’s balls without a title or any more children to marry off? What will I do with myself when my children no longer need me?

The Next Generation: Tectonic Shifts in Roles & Relationships

With new marriages (& new babies!), the family equilibrium has been completely shaken up — the Bridgerton family will never be the same again, and it’s time for role reconstruction.

The original triangle between Daphne, Anthony, & Violet has dissolved, and it’s TBD as to how these roles will shift or be redistributed within the now three nuclear families:

• The Bridgertons: Anthony, Kate, baby

• The Bridgertons: Violet, Benedict, Colin, … , Hyacinth

• The Bassetts: Daphne, Simon, Augie

The genograms for Before (Season 1 & 2) & After (start of Season 3):

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Before (Seasons 1 & 2): A triangle between Anthony, Violet, & Daphne, with Daphne as the main focus of Season 1 and Anthony the target of Season 2. The other children are more in the backdrop.

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After (start of Season 3): Anthony & Daphne on the periphery, Francesca the main focus of Violet & Lady Danbury’s attention. Violet has generally been more focused on her daughters and less involved in the lives of her other sons — Benedict & Colin. The youngest — Gregory & Hyacinth — are also rarely the focus of her attention.

As Anthony & Daphne fade more into the background of the extended Bridgerton family as they direct their attention & energy towards their new nuclear family with their partner & child, forming new triangles.

Here are Anthony & Daphne’s genograms with their partners & child:

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Start of Season 2: Daphne (Enneagram 2 SX/SO) with Simon (4 SX/SP) who has a turbulent triangle in his own family of origin (red) with his cruel father and Lady Danbury — who steps in as his godmother after his mother dies in childbirth).

As is common for double SX-dominant couples and also Enneagram 2 & 4 combos, Daphne’s relationship with Simon is very emotionally intense and wild. Since Simon also has some childhood attachment trauma and previously vowed to never have children, it’s TBD how his relationship with his own child August (and by extension his connection with Daphne both as a partner & coparent) will be.

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Start of Season 3: Anthony (Enneagram 1 SX/SO) & Kate (8 SO/SX) have a very vibrant, thriving relationship that’s based on several factors: both have common experiences being the responsible, firstborn pillar of the family, have very strong one-up personalities (good equal power dynamic), and similar instinct stacking (both SP-repressed).

Anthony has a lot of complex trauma wounds to heal, but his relationship with Kate and their soon-to-be born child might be very healing as he learns to rest, play, and rely on others again.

Btw, not all triangles are bad — usually new parents naturally form one with their firstborn or only child. The issue isn’t that there’s a triangle, but that sometimes there’s a rigidity & lack of flexibility when new members enter the scene or when two parties insist on not working out their issues directly and overrely on the third party as a go-between.

With Anthony & Daphne (the two corners of the original triangle) fade away, Violet forms a new triangle (pink) with Lady Danbury, both double-teaming on matchmaking for Francesca.

(Try as she might, Violet has been unsuccessful in locking down Eloise as her new project.)

WOOHOO, Congrats!! You finally made it to the final stretch:

 

Time to Heal, Adjust, & Grow:
The Bridgertons in Therapy

Let’s pretend for a second that the Bridgertons lived in present day, and that they were self-aware enough to realize that they got some deep inner work to do.

Here are the kinds of things each of them might reach out to a therapist for:

Daphne (Enneagram 2 SX/SO)

Relationship Crisis:

• Loneliness, difficulty with solitude: Why does Simon work so much? Does he love me?

• Push-pull & hot/cold dynamic: Why won’t he just tell me how he feels?? He keeps avoiding me…Does he love me?

• Overinvolvement in others’ lives, managing others’ relationships: Why isn’t he involved more in Augie’s life? Doesn’t he love Augie?

• Resentment about tasks: Why isn’t he helping more with Augie?

• Relationship Anxiety: Will my family love me even when I’m not the Diamond?

• Resentment about connection: Why do I have to always be the one visiting them??

• Emotional dependence: Why am I so needy? Why can’t I just be okay being by myself?

Identity Crisis:

• Who am I if I’m not the Golden Child or in the spotlight?

• Who am I outside of my relationships?

• I should be happy now that I have the relationships I want. Why do I keep feeling this way?

Anthony (Enneagram 1 Sx/SO)

Emotional Crisis:

• Panic attacks, especially around bees

• Dissociation — being checked out

• Workaholic tendencies: working more than resting/playing, feeling guilty for not being productive

• Irritability, annoyance, impatience, resentment

• Moodiness, especially around the anniversary of Father’s death

Relationship Crisis:

• Unfamiliarity with new power dynamic of being with an equal (Kate): She’s very self-sufficient and capable…I’m not sure how I’m supposed to interact with her or make decisions together…

• Counterdependency: Difficulty letting other people care for him eceiving care

• Codependency: Taking care of others’ needs that they can/should take care of themselves

• Learning that control ≠ love, vulnerability ≠ weak

• Repairing his relationship with his mother

• Being equals with his siblings, who don’t need him the same way

Violet (Enneagram 2 SO/SX)

Emotional Crisis

• The house feels so empty…Will my children visit me?

• Grief: I miss Edmund…

• Loneliness: I miss having a partner. Who will love me for me?

Relationship Crisis:

• Where do I belong in society now that I’m no longer Viscountess? Will I be forgotten?

• Power dynamic shift: How do I handle my daughter-in-law being the decision maker in the house?

• Relationship shift: How do I interact with my all-grown children now? I don’t know what to talk about rather than their kids or relationships…What’s okay and not okay for me to do?

• Desire: What do I do with my blooming garden?

• Boundaries: Why don’t my children want my advice on how to be a parent? Why can’t I see my grandchildren more?

Identity/Existential Crisis:

• Impending Empty Nest Syndrome:

  • Who am I now that everyone else doesn’t need me and is living their own lives?

  • What do I do with all this time?

• Second Act:

  • What will the rest of my life look like?

  • Who do I want to be?

  • Who do I want to be with?

Seeing the Bigger Family Picture in 4D — Past, Present, & Future

Here’s the recap on what we explored in this blog:

• Genograms show us the structure of the family: the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and HOW.

  • Significant events — traumas, immigration, addictions, etc.

  • Family roles & dynamics — triangulations, boundary issues, emotional cutoffs, etc.

  • Generational patterns — titles, socioeconomic/class issues, gender roles & expectations, etc.

  • The genogram is a cross section of the family at a specific point in time, and will change as time passes with births, deaths, marriages, estrangements, etc.

• The Enneagram shows us the texture of the family fabric: the WHY each person does what they do.

  • Central themes or values — intimacy, identity, responsibility, freedom, harmony, etc.

  • Defense mechanisms, go-to reactionary patterns that used to help but lead to self-sabotage later

  • Difficulty with certain roles & responsibilities, individuation or setting boundaries, etc.

  • Stuck points & areas of healing/growth

You’ll get a ton of mileage from using a genogram to better understand how each person in your family has come to be where y’all are today (past ‘til present).

Add to the mix the Enneagram, and you get an insiders’ look into powerful yet invisible forces within each person (that drive us to do all kinds of crazy things) so that you can:

• Deepen your understanding & empathy for yourself & others

• Map out your next growth steps so you can break generational curses and create new generational blessings

None of us live in a vacuum. Part of the reason why it’s sometimes so hard to change is because our relationship context remains the same.

You gotta change individual issues individually, and systemic issues systemically.

The genogram shows you the systemic context. The Enneagram shows you your specific individual work.

Start Mapping Your Outer & Inner Worlds

Your patterns didn’t start with you — and they don’t have to end with you either. Learn more about your social context (genogram) and/or your inner motivational engine (Enneagram)!

Genogram

Enneagram

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

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What are your emotional habits?

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

How Brainspotting can Strengthen Your Relationships

Healing Unresolved Emotions can Improve Relationships

Human connections are the heart of our lives — offering some of our greatest insights, intimacy, growth, and joy.

But they can also be sources of our deepest pain, confusion, and conflict, especially when past wounds, unresolved emotions, or trauma subtly leak out out from our subterranean subconscious parts, warping the way we interpret new situations and respond to our loved ones.

Especially for people who feel deeply — Empaths, Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), and those with strong emotional intuitions like Enneagram Twos and Enneagram Fours — these relationship dynamics can be even more intense and all-consuming.

Fortunately, our amazing bodies come with inherent ways of healing itself. One such approach that has actually been created as a therapy approach is called Brainspotting, a trauma therapy approach that emerged from EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing).

Read more about what Brainspotting is or how Brainspotting works, so we can get to the juicy stuff about relationships here!

When Past Relationship Trauma Wounds Spill Over into the Present

Most people who reach out to me for therapy do so less to work on past traumas (especially from childhood), but because a CURRENT relationship is in crisis:

• They can’t shake off the feeling that their current partner is cheating on them like their exes did, even though the partner has been nothing but present, truthful, and supportive.

• They have intense reactions when their 2-year-old throws food onto the floor, and they’re so so frustrated but also don’t want to blow up on their kid for doing what 2-year-olds do

• They feel constantly overlooked at work, but also don’t have the confidence to actually speak up for themselves for fear of criticism or judgment

• They have a hard time opening up to others because they’re waiting for the shoe to drop and be abandoned by others or assume that every gift comes with strings attached

The likelihood that these reactions are based on old relationships and experiences are very very VERY high.

The pickle is when people KNOW they have old trauma to work with because they read all the books and even did therapy before, but they still have no idea how to actually move on or deal with their feelings (like Whack-a-Mole).

Even if you intellectually "know" something isn’t a threat anymore, your nervous system may still react as if it is.

This leads to emotional triggers in relationships. A partner’s raised voice, a delayed text, or a perceived rejection might set off old buried memories or emotions you’re not consciously aware of.

You may lash out, shut down, over-apologize, or spiral into anxiety — not because of what’s happening in the present moment, but because of the ghosts of unprocessed past experiences that are still reverberating in your nervous system.

Namely, your body brain can’t tell the difference between the past and present.

Brainspotting Heals Old Wounds and Clears Outdated Messages about Life & Love

For better or for worse, when intense feelings “leak out” (i.e., we get triggered), we have a window of opportunity to excavate those deeply buried memories (think of the colored core memory orbs in the movie Inside Out) that we don’t have conscious awareness of.

Brainspotting Therapy helps access and clear out those echoes by giving the brain space to process what it couldn’t before. It bypasses the analytical, thinking brain (top-brain) and goes straight to the root — the mammal/emotional mid-brain and lizard/reflexive root brain.

Brainspotting helps us locate those buried orbs, release the emotional charge, reconfigure those memories, and reorganize where those newly processed memories are stored.

By the end of the movie Inside Out, those intense, simplistic single-colored orbs (preprocessed memories) become more nuanced and complex multi-colored orbs (processed, integrated memories) that are much more useful in helping us navigate new experiences with greater wisdom and emotional balance.

It’s hard to describe Brainspotting because it can be such a body-based, nonverbal, primal experience, but here’s a blog that explains how Brainspotting actually works.

…or sometimes it’s easier to just try it for yourself. Actually, if you’re an Enneagram 4 or Highly Sensitive Person, you might already accidentally be doing Brainspotting yourself out of just sheer intuition.

How Brainspotting Helps Relationships

So how does healing old painful experiences actually translate into better, healthier, deeper relationships?

1. Healing Attachment Wounds

Most relationship struggles are rooted in early attachment patterns. If your caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, overly controlling, or unpredictable, you may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles.

These styles often play out in adult relationships—creating cycles of clinginess, withdrawal, fear of abandonment, difficulty with trust, or a strong need to "fix" others.

The Enneagram — a personality framework that I also specialize in — speaks to 9 different ways of seeing and responding to life experiences, including how we relate to other people. The Enneagram speaks to WHY we do what we do — our core needs, fears, and interpretations of life.

Think of the Enneagram revealing those painful muscle knots that put your whole body out of alignment and created other issues, and Brainspotting being the deep tissue massage to “work out” those knots so that you can gain full access to your whole body again.

Brainspotting does this “massage” by:

• Uncovering and processing childhood attachment wounds from our deeper brains

• Recalibrating our nervous systems to feel safe and steady again

• Reorienting our views on life and relationships

• Helping us bring our healing wins into daily experiences, so that you can actually access the hard won peace and courage

When you resolve your old ghosts of past wounds, you’re able to be present, see life, yourself, and others clearly for what they are, and to respond accordingly with all of your internal resources and strengths.

Instead of being bogged down by familiar fears, you’d have more clarity and boldness to fully show up in all areas of your life, including your relationships with loved ones!

2. Reducing Emotional Reactivity

Whether you like it or not, relationships are emotional mirrors. We’re constantly being triggered by others, often in ways that seem disproportionate.

• A simple disagreement can feel like a betrayal.

• A missed call can ignite panic or shame.

These reactions are signals that unprocessed emotions are driving the bus and that we need to resolve them sooner than later, lest they make hard things WORSE or even create MORE problems.

Because Brainspotting allows deep emotional processing without needing to "talk it all out", it helps:

• Reduce intensity and frequency of emotional triggers

• Soften trauma responses like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn

• Increase emotional regulation and self-awareness

(Actually, did you know that you can do Brainspotting without ever saying a single word? The therapist doesn’t even need to know what exactly you’re processing, so it’s great for those mortifying memories that you feel deep shame around!)

What would happen if you were to buy yourself even 1-2 more seconds to slow your reactive roll? It might not seem like much, but even those few seconds might be the guardrails preventing you from sending that vitriolic email to your partner or boss.

What would it be like for you to feel like you’re in SELF-CONTROL, not OTHERS-CONTROLLED or OTHERS-CONTROLLING? How would your life be different if you led with calm wisdom, not chaotic panic?

3. Clearing OUTDATED, Unconscious Beliefs About Love, Worth, & Belonging

A lot of people I work with carry deep-seated beliefs like:

• "I’m TOO MUCH."

• "I’ll be abandoned if I express what I need."

• "Love has to be EARNED."

• "Conflict means rejection."

These beliefs aren’t just mental — they actually live in the body in the form of emotional reactivity. Brainspotting brings these belief/feeling capsules up to the surface so we can dispel their power.

Doing this creates an opportunity for you to bring in more realistic and healthier beliefs, such as:

• "I can be fully myself and still be loved."

• "My needs matter, independently of whether others can meet them."

• "I don’t have to fix others to be worthy."

These internal shifts radically change how you can show up in your relationships. Even switching from an extremist, all-or-nothing perspective to a more nuanced one can do WONDERS in helping you navigate through different situations in your personal and professional relationships.

4. Improving Communication and Intimacy

When you're not overwhelmed by unresolved emotion or unconscious fear, you're more able to:

• Speak your truth without wilting in shame or aggressively blaming

• Hear others without getting defensive or flooded

• Be vulnerable without shutting down

• Set boundaries without guilt (this is a tough one, but you can do it!)

Not only does Brainspotting help you resolve painful experiences, but it can also help you access positive internal resources like peace, courage, and wisdom.

Because of this, Brainspotting strengthens your internal capacity to stay present and steady during difficult conversations or emotional moments, which expands your horizons as to what’s possible in your relationships: deeper intimacy, clarity, and mutual understanding — all without sacrificing yourself.

5. Reconnecting With Your Authentic Self

At its core, Brainspotting (and the Enneagram) isn’t just about healing trauma; it’s about coming home to yourself — your TRUE self.

When you clear out all the mental cobwebs and emotional clutter, you're able to reconnect with your inherent compassion, creativity, and wisdom.

This authentic self is the foundation of all healthy relationships, because you can’t have a relationship between two fragmented people.

Relationship math isn’t 1/4 + 3/4 = 1, but 1 + 1 = 1.

A WHOLE self with another WHOLE self creates a WHOLE relationship.

When both parties are free to be yourselves without the need to perform, people-please, or self-abandon, you can create vibrant, sustainable relationships that are resilient and immune to things like burnout or resentment.

In this way, Brainspotting supports not just relationship repair — but relationship revitalization. You’re no longer relating from old patterns, but from a place of wholeness, with endless possibilities of fulfilling experiences that help both of you feel seen, known, and loved — FULLY.

Why Brainspotting Works So Well for Highly Sensitive People, Empaths, and Enneagram 2s & 4s.

For sensitive folks, traditional talk therapy can sometimes feel overwhelming, too surface-level, or too embarrassing (“Ahhhh — I don’t want someone else to see me like this!! What will the therapist think of me?”).

Another trap is that sometimes sensitive people mistake introspection with processing or resolution. You may understand your patterns intellectually but still feel stuck emotionally. Just because you have a LOT of feelings doesn’t mean you’re actually processing them!

Brainspotting honors your depth, while also making room for your WHOLE brain — thinking, feeling, and being. It doesn’t ask you to explain or rationalize your pain. Instead, it invites you to feel whatever comes up, notice it in your body, and release it in a safe, contained way.

It meets you where you live—in the emotional, sensory, intuitive spaces of the body and soul. So many of my clients who also have a very rich imaginary or spiritual inner world can easily weave them into their Brainspotting session!

There’s no one right way of doing Brainspotting, so the pressure’s off — give yourself permission to do feelings the way that works best for you & your sensitivity without getting lost in the depths! As the person sitting in the boat, the Brainspotting therapist can help pull you out when it’s time.

How to Start Brainspotting

If you're curious about trying Brainspotting to improve your relationships, here’s how to begin:

• Find a Brainspotting practitioner in your state: Look for someone with training in trauma-informed care and relationship dynamics. If you’re in California, here are some fabulous Brainspotting therapists!

• Clarify your intention: You don’t need to have it all figured out — just bring a specific emotional issue or pattern you’d like to work on. (If even that’s unclear, you can even say something like, “I don’t know why, but I just feel…’OFF’. Like there’s a fog around my head.” You’ll be surprised what Brainspotting can work with!

• Stay open: Let your body lead. You may cry, yawn, feel sensations, or just be still. All responses are valid, and none of it needs to make sense (remember, we’re not using the analytical top-brain, but the dream-like emotional and lizard brains!).

• Practice integration: After sessions, give yourself time to rest, reflect, and journal if needed. The work continues unfolding even after you leave the session, so if you have some more involved dreams afterwards, no problem — let your body continue to metabolize.

Brainspotting to Repair Your Relationship with Yourself First, then with Others

At its core, Brainspotting helps you heal the parts of yourself that were hurt in relationship and went into hiding (in Internal Family Systems, we call these the “Exiles”)— so you can thrive in connection with others.

By accessing the body’s wisdom, clearing out emotional blocks, and soothing your nervous system, Brainspotting helps you become more present, resilient, and open-hearted. You don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns or reactive cycles. Healing is totally possible.

That scary moment or relationship doesn’t have to hold you back anymore — instead, you can use your hard earned wisdom as a way to create the kind of relationship that has enough room for you and your needs, too.

With that healing comes a powerful ripple effect: deeper intimacy, healthier boundaries, more honest communication—and a profound return to love, both for yourself and for others.

Ready to Help Your Heart Heal?

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

The Enneagram Instincts & Creativity

I was invited onto The Empowered Sensitive & Creative Podcast with Rim to discuss using the Enneagram to decode instincts and emotional patterns. Rim is an artist, a certified life coach, and an NLP practitioner. Here is the transcript of our conversation or give the podcast episode a listen below!

Rim: Joanne Kim, LMFT, is an Enneagram and Brainspotting Therapist in the Silicon Valley. She helps people transform their biggest feelings into their greatest superpower. She does this in three ways. The Enneagram helps people discover and grow beyond their emotional reactive patterns. Brainspotting helps people massage out the painful emotional knots in their nervous system.

Intelligent Emotions is an online program that helps people build their dream life and relationships through the power of their own emotions. A big feeler, an Enneagram Type 4, and a fellow HSP, Joanne has come a long way in being in harmony with her feelings and spends her free time hammocking, cocktailing, or soap carving.

Hi Joanne, welcome to the podcast. I'm so happy for you to be here today.

Joanne: Thanks. It's good to be here.

Rim: Can you start by telling me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? Where did you grow up? Where are you based right now?

Yeah, I am a therapist and feelings translator down in the Silicon Valley in San Jose, California, and, mostly work with a lot of sensitive and empathic creative types to basically put their life on hold in trying to take care of other people or trying really hard to not be criticized, not be judged.

Joanne: Working around other people. And so my work has been to help people draw out their true selves and live their best life. So it's been really good, really fun. And yeah, I'd love to share a little bit more about how I do that today.

Rim: Yeah. Wow. Amazing. I really like, really like what you do and we need more people like you.

Joanne: There's a lot of room for more people to come on board because being in the Silicon Valley, we have a lot of emphasis on like engineering types and people who can like, chug in a lot of work without complaining. There's a lot of politicking that happens in a lot of these industry companies, but that's kind of where a lot of the sensitive types tend to struggle because being very ethical, they don't really like throwing people under the bus or like being deceptive and things like that.

And so it's been pretty hard. So if you can send more people over this way, then that would be great.

Rim: Yeah, definitely. And it's not only in the Silicon Valley, I think. I guess over there, it's like concentrated. I think everywhere where you have a lot of competition, I say competition like this, because, you know, could be perception, but is it actually the truth?

But anyway even in the creative industries artistic world, it can be quite tough. And for sensitive people, it's, yeah. I mean, I think there are a lot of sensitives who really are really great at engineering, at arts, at creativity, but at the same time, it can be so much, so much to handle.

Joanne: I mean, I imagine that success is itself a double edged sword, because once people actually create something fantastic, it's like, well, now the bar's higher, so I have to, like, beat the old thing.

Otherwise, like, I might be irrelevant, I might be replaceable, and there's a lot of that kind of anxiety and fear, so. So much stress that happens. Yeah. Mm hmm.

Rim: Somehow stress was and still is something that when I grew up, at least I think now it's changing, but I remember when I was younger, being stressed seemed like a good thing. You know, like it's bad that you're actually doing something in your life with your life.

People were like, Oh, I'm stressed. I'm stressed. I'm stressed. And then if you, if you would come along and say, well, okay, actually. People around you would feel like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, maybe you're not ambitious enough.

Joanne: It's like a badge of honor by itself. And so like definitely get a lot of that It's as if the people aren't like hustling all the time. That they're being lazy like it's a character flaw instead of being like I did my work during work hours and now it's not work hours. And so I'm gonna go hang out with my family or go up for a walk or do something light and easy. Like there's a lot of emphasis on pushing and enduring and struggling really. Yeah, yeah I mean the pressures are already strong from the outside if they're also strong from the inside then it's like the body doesn't ever get a break. Until it crashes and you just can't take it anymore.

Rim: Yeah, that's true. That's interesting. As you were saying this, I got a vision from when I was an art student, we were, we were shown a video about Francis Bacon, who is an artist from the 20th century, and it was a video about explaining his process. It's really marked me. So the video is, there's a guy sitting in an armchair, and we just see him, like, I think from the chest up, facing us.

And we see he's receiving punch in the face. So he's receiving a punch, then another punch, then another punch, then another punch, and you know, at the beginning, he's handling quite well, and then after a while, it's really hard. So it's really weird, but anyway, then you can see his face getting disfigured. Disfigured and then blood pouring out and then at the end is completely destroyed. And then I don't remember the rest of the video, but I remember that scene and the artist said that that's his vision of what he's trying to portray in his art. His art is quite tortured and quite heavy in that sense.

And yeah, what you were saying, what you were talking about external pressure and internal pressure. It made me think of that as an image.

Joanne: Mm hmm. And if you imagine, like, a lot of empathic types, like, how we tend to navigate with bullies, not quite well. And so it's just like taking it and taking it and taking it until, like, one day we just, our resentment just builds up so much that we kind of flip our lid and just everything comes out.

Rim: Yeah, definitely. Exactly.

Joanne: A lot of toxic dynamics. Like, people are like, Why are you so dramatic? Why are you so emotional? When it's really that there's been a build up of all this stress that had to go somewhere in the first place.

Rim: And then at the end, some sensitive types and empath types end up believing this bullying is true. It's how things should be. So they also end up bullying themselves internally.

Tell me, before we dive deeper into what you do and how you help sensitive souls to handle the emotions better and feel better and thrive, how did you get into this work?

Joanne: I think it's a not uncommon thing for healing types to come into this work because they've had to do their own work. And I definitely wasn't planning on being a therapist or being entrepreneurial. In hindsight when I look back I recognize that there's been kind of a common theme throughout the different things that I've done. Because if you kind of look at my resume, there's no like one thing that dominates everything I'm kind of like bouncing around and it's easy to assume that there's no connection in between any of those notes. But I think each endeavor or each role I've taken on basically was the latest creative option for me to paint out like my dream. Which is to be a dream activator. I love sitting with people getting to know them getting to know their stories and then being able to draw that out to their best potential but there is no like official job title dream activator.

And so I had to kind of figure a lot of things out on my own. And after my college years, I had a lot of personal struggles growing up as like a first born daughter of a Korean American or Korean immigrant family, and I kind of moved around a lot and had a lot of trouble like joining new communities, making friends and things like that.

I had a lot of feelings built up. Because the messages that I got in those various contexts was like you shouldn't have feelings just tough it out, It's not a big deal like, Do your work. And so that kind of built up until after college and a couple of like typical events happened. But for me, it was like a switch flipped on and then like all these feelings just came out And because I didn't know what was happening and because my environment wasn't particularly friendly towards feelings that was when I sought my own therapy space as a client. And I was in there for a good number of years, did a lot of work and a lot of things settled down enough where I was like, okay, like, so I should probably figure out what to do next. Because I'm doing okay now, I don't have any crises, but, you know, I'm not really sure what to do next. And I was sitting in the middle of my therapy session talking to my therapist and thought occurred to me like Why don't I do this?

Because I love talking to people one on one. I love getting to know stories. In the ways that i've processed my own therapy stuff like I would share it with other people and other people are like wait That's what you're learning. Like, that's like, I get that too, or I resonate with that too. And I think there's something along the lines of like teaching, coaching, joining, empowering other people that got me down the path of seeking to become a therapist myself.

Fast forward, several years, I've been loving therapy, loving being in private practice. And being able to help people in ways that intuitively makes sense. At least it fits me and it seems like it fits a lot of people that I work with. And now i'm at the point where it's like, you know, I think therapy provided the best canvas for me to do my latest work. But in actuality like I think there's more to it.

I think I have a natural Innovative bent to me where I probably won't settle with just one thing. I will probably regularly be in a space of inventing myself over and over and over. So I've landed right now in the space of being very entrepreneurial. And so five years from now, like who knows what I'll be doing.

But I do enjoy every iteration of what I've done over the years. And at the current moment, it's operating as an Enneagram therapist. Helping people find their reactive patterns where they get stuck. And also as a feelings translator, being able to help people tap into their own emotional space to actually use that as their greatest asset instead of their biggest liability, as often people think they are.

So that is the, that was the current checkpoint.

Rim: So I wanted to say, I really resonate with what you say. I feel like you, like, I can't imagine be doing always exactly the same thing. And if you look at my resume, same, you would see different things. And if you don't pay attention, you might think, Whoa, this person is, has been all over the place. But then when you, when you think about it, It's all tying in.

It's like different pieces of the puzzles. And bit by bit it's creating something that makes sense. And I've noticed the same with a lot of other highly sensitive people. Have you as well? Have you noticed it's quite a common theme amongst us?

Joanne: I think so. I think especially for people who are highly sensitive and also gifted in that, like, There's a lot of internal processing that we do to begin with. Just by virtue of being a Highly Sensitive Person and looking for things of greater depth, greater meaning, instead of something that's more surface level that I mean, no shade to like jobs and careers that are about making money because money is super important. But I think for a lot of sensitive types, they can't last that long working in spaces where there's only the immediate reward there. I think there needs to be challenge, there needs to be stimulation, there needs to be like thinking outside the box, being able to make work more personal, like an expression of oneself. And so, I think it's more likely that sensitive types are likely to get bored, and burnt out.

And not because they're not capable of doing the task, it's just I think we need something very specific. Something inspirational or motivating for us to keep going.

Rim: Yes, yes, we need this deeper meaning. And if we are searching for this deeper meaning, it would make sense because then we're uncovering layers.

And as we've been to the next, like the next level of discoveries or expression, then there's another layer. and so on and so on. So we kind of dig deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. So then things will shift. But then I suspect like for you, you say maybe in a few years, who knows, you might it might evolve, but I imagine there will still be this thread. That is, I think you like, I call this the, our essence . And then that would be to still making, makes sense.

Joanne: Yeah. Like the core part of me will probably remain the same. And the nice thing is the skills that I accumulated along the way are very transferable. So I might just be in a different industry altogether. And I used to be, I used to be very hard on myself about that.

It's like, why can't I just like, stick with one thing? Now I've learned that well, maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can maintain like, the consistent thread of who I am, but find all these different ways to play that out. So, yeah. The journey itself has been pretty fun, and because there's no predefined path, it's been a great experience for me to even use my own professional trajectory as a way of getting to know myself, find out places where I get stuck, I get triggered.

Because, like, there's so many moments where I was so stressed out and procrastination and perfectionism and all that stuff kicked in when I was like writing my website pages. And I don't think that's as much the case if I were to be working in a career where I just plug and chug numbers and there's not a whole lot of room for me to pay attention to my internals, get to know my emotions.

Figure out what what's behind my reactivity and things like that. So It's been a personally and very professionally rewarding process to be able to give myself permission to not always have to walk down a predefined path by other people. More so to really honor my own uniqueness and my own inclinations rather than judging myself. Just see what happens if I give myself permission to be in my flow state, be in my sweet spot and see where that goes.

Rim: I love that. Yeah. That's creative. You get to choose, you get to recreate again and again. And we live at times where it's becoming easier to do that and less, you know, shine upon. But that being said, I think many people are scared of this reinvention and they're like, Oh, I have to, as you say, I have to pick something or what would, what will happen?

Because you know, the unknown can be quite scary. How, how do you handle that, like releasing the anxiety and because in order to be in the flow, you need to kind of not be anxious.

Creativity and The Enneagram Instincts: Self-Preservation, Social, Sexual

Joanne: So I borrowed a lot from the Enneagram, which is the main framework that I use. And oftentimes when I like show up on these talks, as I described, like the nine types of the Enneagram and how there are nine different ways of seeing and responding to life.

But there's kind of another dimension to the Enneagram where it's about the three instincts. The three instincts basically being three modes that are built into our automatic lizard brain. Like, these are so quick, they're so reflexive that they're happening before we even know it. And the three different instincts are called Self-Preservation instinct, the Social instinct, and sometimes it's called the Sexual instinct or the intimate 1:1 instinct.

But I happen to be someone who is very Self-Preservation instinct dominant. In short, what that means is that the way that I orient myself in the world is through planning, preparing, anticipating, scheduling. I prefer for things to be very orderly, very structured and controlled and predictable as an attempt to try to eliminate feeling out of control.

Now, most people like, they don't quite like feeling out of control to begin with, but Self-Preservation types, like that's like one of the biggest triggers. I need to make sure that things are according to plan. I need to make sure to eliminate any variables. And even when good things, if they happen without me having like planned for it, it can stress me out because I don't know what to do next.

And so for me, like that's been a huge struggle in releasing control and allowing myself to just go along with things. I think what really helped was me recognizing that I was creating my own trap. If it wasn't so much plans going sideways that was the issue. It was that I had so many plans to begin with and I set myself up to have a very small window of success. Because I create all these conditions that need to be 100 perfect So once I recognized that, it was just like, wait, if I'm creating my own stress by coming up with all these expectations of how things should be, then what would happen if I tried something with half as many expectations?

What would that be like? And I tried those experiences over and over again to realize that the end result was actually a lot better than me meticulously planning for everything. Because sometimes I would come up with inspirations that I that didn't come up when I was in the planning phase they would just come in the moment like I think in a lot of creative spaces you hear about having like drops of inspiration that kind of come out of nowhere when you least expect it. And I think allowing for things to come about organically really helped for me to live into that space of seeing what's on the other side after I've released the grip, at least a little bit. And I was getting rewarded for it over and over again, what I thought would be for my benefit in planning everything out was actually to my detriment.

And what I thought was the worst thing, which is the release control actually turned out to be for my greatest good. So that really helped me to soften my dominant self preservation instinct. It's like, I don't need to be in that hyper planning mode all the time at least. I could afford to soften my grip, and let's see how things turn out.

Also, that part of the Enneagram doesn't get talked about as much.

Rim: That's so interesting. It's interesting because it shows how imagination can be such a great thing. But also it can go against us, we can turn it against us because like what you described seems to me, it's kind of imagination, imagining all the things that can go bad or this need, this need to imagine how things would be, and sometimes, often our imagination can be very creative and create the results, some results we want, but we don't know everything.

Joanne: Yeah, that's a huge thing.

Rim: Things can be so much better than what we can imagine.

Joanne: Mm hmm. I think combination of also being a highly sensitive type, it's like getting so bombarded with change and all the stimulation that comes with it. It's feels so disruptive internally. Even in the normal day to day life, like there's like in the other room, like someone could be, you know, dropping their phone and then have like a sudden startling noise.

And then I'm in the middle of something and it's completely like, you know, focused. And it's especially for sensitive types where there is that maybe over readiness to take in new information. I think, especially those who are also self preservation dominant, they tend to want to overcompensate by making everything consistent, planning every single detail out, as a way to like control one's external environment to control one's internal environment. But again, it's to our detriment when we do it too much.

Rim: Definitely. So do you think that , the person who wants to do something, but then think that they don't know enough or they are not ready, not yet, they still need to learn more or practice more? They would be the self preservation type, so they would use knowledge as a security blanket.

Joanne: Yeah, knowledge is a huge one. Competency. Competency is a big, big trigger button, like being extra embarrassed when finding out that something happened outside of your awareness or being revealed that you actually don't know all the information especially if it's in front of other people but even without other people. Like recognizing oh, like I don't know how to do this I feel so frustrated and the more frustrated we get the more we zero in on the thing that we're frustrated about and then it just becomes like this extra aggravating situation. A lot of that has to do with the self preservation instinct being in the top two. It doesn't quite have to be the dominant but there are these three instincts and we have all three.

It's just one of them we tend to forget and it's shoved in the closet. One we think is the solution for everything. It's like when all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail kind of situation where it's confirmation bias. And in recognizing that the hammer itself is causing problems at this point. It's good to, to realize like, Oh, like are there. There might be some other options. There might be some other ways for me to navigate through this. And so the Social and the Sexual instincts for me were really important for me to kind of reintegrate or reconnect with and balance myself out so that when I come across a new situation, how I respond depends on what the situation needs instead of what I prefer or what I'm used to.

So, that's been, that's been really good for me to learn about that myself and also to be able to share that with other people.

Rim: Yes. Sounds really interesting. Would you mind to talk briefly about the other two instincts?

Joanne: Yeah, so the Social instinct, because all these are survival instincts, self preservation instinct says I need to control factors for me to feel safe and secure.

The Social instinct basically says I need to make sure that my position in a group, a collective, is secure for me to be okay. So the social instinct emphasizes themes like belonging, status, position, role, power, like who's in, who's outside of a group, who's at the top, who's at the bottom, who is recognized by others, who's kind of more on the outskirts.

A lot of these themes that we might see more in like more organizational or political spaces, those who are Social instinct dominant, that's their main way of seeing life. It's like who's better or worse. It's always like relative to other people. Whereas a self preservation instinct, it kind of can operate on its own, like whether other people around is less central.

But the Social instinct is like, am I seen, am I recognized for what I do, or am I fulfilling my function in a community? Am I being a responsible cog in the bit, in the greater machine? So often those who are Social dominant tend to focus on what does the group want or what does the group need and how can I orient myself with respect to the collective.

And then the Sexual instinct, which is also a relationship based instinct, is less about the group and it's less about the person's own individual well being, but it's more about intensity and significance to a chosen person. So it's called the Sexual instinct and that kind of gets people confused.

It's not all about sex. It can include sex, but it's really being able to orient oneself with respect to those special chosen people. This person when they're sitting in front of even a stranger at Starbucks. They can be really attuned to that person on a very one on one, energetically connected basis.

They're like very involved, they're very present, they're spontaneous, they go with the flow. I like calling them the the vivacious instinct. Where it's about, Leading life with zest, with a lot of vitality, whereas a self preservation instinct tends to be more guarded and restrictive. Yeah. More conservative, more constricted, more risk avoiding. The Sexual instinct is more risk taking, more adventurous. And so it's the fun instinct in a lot of cases.

Rim: But what's the flip side of it?

Joanne: The flip side of it is that it can be very impulsive and sometimes aggressive. It has the more competitive bent in being the best person or anything else, like the biggest, the brightest, the prettiest, the richest.

It's always like competing against other people and has to take the one special spot at the top or the one special one special spot in another chosen person's life, like being the closest person. So again, we have all three instincts, right? And all three instincts come in handy, but there's a huge issue when we think only one of these matter and then one of these actually causes problems.

And so we become very out of balance. So when you combine our dominant instinct, one of the three, with the nine Enneagram types, which are about different motivations, the why we do what we do, the instincts are about how we do the why what we do. If you combine them together, we get 27 subtypes, which accounts for a lot of diversity in how our human temperaments are.

But in current Enneagram literature, you'll hear a lot about the nine types. You won't hear a lot about the instincts and you probably won't hear as much about the subtypes. But I think, honestly, the instincts, because they're wired into our lizard brain, if you can balance out what's happening on an instinct level, even if you don't know your Enneagram type, that itself can do a lot in helping you unlock your own potential. Because you find out how you're getting yourself into trouble.

And then you also recognize what skills that you're not used to, that can really come in handy.

Rim: Someone with the same Enneagram. So just like, for example, we have the same Enneagram Four, but then if we have a dominant instinct, which is different, then our experience of Enneagram Four could be totally different.

Joanne: Wildly different, especially for Four and Sixes. Because the motivation, especially for Four, is around suffering and meaning.

Like how can I be my most authentic self? If you combine that engine with a Sexual instinct that's like, it's all about vitality and zest for life and intensity and things like that. You're going to get a type of Four who's very wild in their feelings and they're very dynamic, very charismatic. But they often start problems, sorry, start projects, but never finish because they're constantly going from one thing to the one intense thing. One fun thing to the next. Right? And so they might get frustrated. Right? And they're often the ones that direct their negative emotions to other people. So they're known as the angry fours. Whereas the self preservation four, which is my type, being more guarded. I actually don't let other people know how I'm feeling. So even though i'm feeling a lot of things on the inside, I usually keep it to myself So on the outside, I might look like a very different type while on the inside. I'm very much a four

Rim: Oh, wow.

Joanne: So the motivations are pretty similar in terms of the central themes by virtue of being type four but how our patterns show up? Can vary wildly, based on what dominant instincts we have.

Rim: Okay, that's interesting. Are there, like, did you notice, or do we know if one instinct or two instincts are more predominant amongst HSPs or not?

Joanne: I think you can run the full gamut, but especially as Highly Sensitive Person trait, our Social context really matters. Like, I often talk about what it's like being a Highly Sensitive Person in the United States, where the main themes are being loud, aggressive, the best, like, being top dog, right?

They don't quite align with that. The natural tendencies of a Highly Sensitive Person. And then in a place like Japan where a lot of the values are around modesty, intentionality, dedication, conscientiousness. Those really align with the general agency trait So the same person would have very different experiences depending on which country they're in. And I think in a lot of ways it's the same with the instincts. So if someone, if a Highly Sensitive Person happens to be in an environment like Brazil where there's a lot of emphasis on vitality and fun, those who are a Sexual instinct will probably align better than those with a self preservation instinct who is more guarded.

Whereas let's say in a lot of Latin American countries, I think that are probably heavily Social instinct dominant where it's about the family. It's about the collective, the neighbors the churches. And so it's less so about standing out as an individual and more about being a member in a greater community. And so if someone is a dominant Sexual instinct who is about making themselves stand out. Well, they're gonna clash against their communities. Self preservation dominant then they're gonna be seen as more selfish or more guarded and reserved and they're actually expected to be. So different countries have preferred instincts as well.

Rim: Yes, totally. Yes. You know, I read a lot about things written from people living in the US and some I resonate with and some I'm like, no. It feels really hard. I feel, oh my God, like it must be so hard to live there as an HSP. But I, like the idea of, you know, working super hard and this hustle culture. But now I feel like, you know, France is quite known for not being, for taking things easy and all of that.

But actually, I think it has changed and it's catching up, at least in big cities, like in Paris. For example, where people are working. Like, you know, there's this thing of, ha, ha, ha, I am super busy. I work so hard and it's becoming also part of the values. And then something else I want to, I want to say is I lived in Asia.

I lived in China for many years and it's different from Japan, but there are some common things. So there is this emphasis and value of the family. And, you know, not, and also not showing too much. Not showing what you're feeling, like keeping it for you and valuing the social cohesion. So that's one aspect, but then there is at least in Shanghai, which is a huge, huge growing city.

And then it's like the other, then I think it's like in the US or in other western countries where it's all about individual role and working a lot and proving things and showing what, you know, and it's kind of it's kind of conflicting.

Joanne: Totally. Yeah. Yeah. And so like having a lot of awareness of our own tendencies is important. But especially for sensitive types, we need to consider the social context that we're in because a lot of the stress, a lot of the feelings we might have, actually they're other people's stuff. Or they're the byproduct of the contrast between our patterns and the general society's values. So I think that a lot of sensitive types tend to be more prone to anxiety, guilt, and shame. Because, not because there's something wrong with them per se, but they happen to have taken on all the stress that comes from not quite, not gelling with the main dominant environment that they're in.

And so it's really important for especially like empathic folks to tap into the main emotion that helps to buffer and protect us, which is anger. But if anger is labeled as like the bad, scary, destructive emotion, then we're locking up the very skill and resource we need to actually take good care of us.

Rim: And now that leads me to my big question, which is how can Enneagrams learning and knowing about our Enneagrams can help us with that? But first, because we've been talking about Enneagram, Enneagram, Enneagram, and I imagine some of us don't really know. Sorry, my dog. I have a new dog.

Joanne: Ah, that was adorable.

Rim: Yes, what did I want to say? What is the Enneagram? I think some people, like many of us, may have heard about it, but without really knowing what it is. Can you briefly explain what is the Enneagram?

Joanne: Yeah, the Enneagram is a personality framework for describing nine universal themes, for human motivations. Through which we experience, interpret, and react to the world. We have all nine themes that are readily available, but for various reasons, because especially when we were kids, life was super overwhelming and we can't handle complex information, we defaulted to one of the nine. And so that one Enneagram type, out of all nine, helps simplify the way that we process and react to information.

By focusing in on some central themes. Like the theme of perfection, or being lovable, or being one's individual unique self, or being safe and secure. There are these different ways that when we integrate all nine, we can show up in life and again, respond to the situation for what the situation needs, not according to what we're used to.

But often we've identified with one of those themes to the point where we think we're right and everyone else is wrong. So I like using the different movies to describe how the Enneagram works and one of them is The Matrix. It's like finding out, waking up one day and finding out that the life that you've been living is actually made up.

It's fictional. And that fictional life that we've been living is basically us living life through our specific Enneagram lens. There's actually more to life, there's a whole different world out there, but when we only see what we want to see, we're basically reinforcing our trap, our cage that we're stuck in.

And so, I don't know if everyone in this audience has watched The Matrix, but a little bit of spoiler alert, there's a character in there who knows that everyone's been living in this fantasy world. and knows while he's like eating his steak, says, I know the steak is fake. I know this isn't real, but I would rather eat the steak than basically like live life for what it is.

And so there's some people who actually choose to be in denial about how the world actually is so that they can kind of maintain their own perspective on life. So the Enneagram type tells us about the main defense mechanisms. The main view by which we understand life that used to be useful when we were growing up But at a certain point it stops being useful in the same way and actually starts creating problems.

I'm of the opinion that we're born with it not as like a genetic thing. But that when we're born, we have a predisposition to be drawn to one of the nine types. It's very simple it's very like I know having talked to some individuals where like their earliest memories are like when they're like three or so years old and no one's taught them about the Enneagram obviously. But there are certain themes that are present and are very loud, even from a very young age.

So because of that, I kinda lean in the direction where people are born with a predisposition towards a certain type. And life experiences reinforce that over and over again, kind of justifying that they need it. But it's confirmation bias. Like, if you're looking for signs that your friends are about to betray you, you'll probably find evidence, quote unquote, right?

Instead of it actually being true. And so it simplifies the way that we process things. It creates a lot of problems later.

Rim: So do you think we can, we need to, it's useful for us to learn about all of the types, not only the one we must identify with, so that we can integrate all of them?

Eventually, though. There are some types of the nine that tend to focus on other people. And not on oneself and so for starters for people who are very new to the Enneagram journey I would highly recommend that once they find their type that they spend the most time there. Eventually, it would be helpful to learn about the other types and there's a sequence of the other types that are important to recognize Because each of the nine types have their corresponding growth path. And so, the each of the nine types is connected to four other types.

So any of the four other types would come in handy to provide an additional option than just their own type. The remaining four, if you can get around to it, it's good to learn it. Or sometimes we'll have to learn it because those are the types of our closest people. And we are dealing, we're in their slash zone and they're in our slash zone, so it comes in handy for us to recognize what their go to patterns are so that we don't interpret them according to what makes sense to us, so we get to know them according to what's going on for them.

Rim: Alright. But yeah, I feel like, as you say, it's important to focus on your type first. Okay. Yeah, especially for those who tend to care more about those around them. Did you think about Enneagram 2?

Joanne: Enneagram 2, 9s, 3s, Self preservation 4s. There's a good number of types and subtypes. Where they focus on other people as a way of not doing their inner work and not processing and dealing with their feelings.

Rim: It's not me, it's them?

Joanne: Yeah, it's probably more stereotypical. Like, ones can do the same thing as well. It's just all of us have, all of us might do the same thing, but have very different reasons for why we do it. And unless we know those reasons, we can't untangle our own patterns. So. It's generally good practice.

It helps us have like a focal point to really pay attention to the invisible mechanisms that are driving us. These are our blind spots. We don't actually know that they're happening because they're automated and anything automated works well, quote unquote. When it's operating smoothly behind the scenes without anyone knowing about it, but what happens if we're automated to something that keeps creating problems?

Well, it's in our best interest to really switch to manual and find out what's really going on, right, and make adjustments as needed. Now, I have a tendency, as I said before, being a Self-Preservation dominant Four, I have a tendency of thinking that things are not likely to work out easily for me.

They'll work out easily and well for other people, but it won't work out for me. So I need to really put my nose to the grind and work really hard and obsess over details so I can control the outcome. In actuality, the work that I do might already be fine and actually other people might be like, yeah, that's amazing But in my eyes, I think it's crap.

I might think that here's a flaw, there's a flaw. Like these are the ways that could be better or that you know, this is the way it's not enough. And I can kind of have a more negative event if I were to let my Enneagram type, dictate or define anything

Rim: Wow Perfectionism. And so once you're aware of this, okay, for example, in your case, so you know, now you know you're an Enneagram Four, you know, you have this self preservation instinct, and then you, you know, how it shows up and how it can sabotage your efforts. Yeah. Then once you know that, what do you do with that?

Joanne: The main thing is for you to not judge yourself, once you recognize your own patterns, because sometimes judging ourselves is what our autopilots do. Eventually, it's to soften our reactivity. In space lies our power to choose. Within that power to choose lies our growth and freedom.

There's a quote by Viktor Frankl, who is a psychologist and a Holocaust survivor, and he wrote this great book, which Called the Man's Search for Meaning. There's a fantastic quote in there that I think captures the main reason why self work is really important. The quote goes like this, "Between stimulus and response, there's a space. Within that space is our power to choose. And within that power to choose lies our growth and our freedom." The main meaning behind that quote is, between something happening and our reaction to it, there's a window. The smaller the window, the less freedom we have, the bigger the window, the more options we've got.

And so our work in paying attention to our own patterns is to try to increase that space between something happening and us reacting to it as much as possible. So that we're not living like robots. We're living like human beings who can actually choose into things. So that's why it's really important for us to recognize our own go to patterns.

The Enneagram helps us reveal the invisible patterns that maybe others can, other people can see in us, but we can't see in ourselves. We're blind to it.

Rim: So it's like a tool, like an ally that helps us to see things, witness things. Yeah. And then once we're there, so okay, self awareness, not judging. So it's like accepting that it's how it is right now. Yeah, I then would the Enneagram, like learning about the Enneagrams, would it give us the tools to do this shift, to do this change? Or it's more just to pinpoint and show us how it is and how it could be? Like showing us, like, is it, I don't know, like if I use the word vibration, like Enneagram, for example, is the authenticity, the search for like the meaning of self or something like that. I don't know if I'm using the right term.

Joanne: I would like to think of the Enneagram as a map. It's a map that tells us where we are because we've been lost this entire time. So we finally locate ourselves. I mean, what good is locating yourself if you don't know, if you're still lost, you know. We use that map to find out what other places we can go to and how to actually get there.

So I mentioned that each of the nine types are connected to four other types. These are the growth paths for each type so that we loosen the grip that our type has on us. These four other types are other options that are more readily available. And so in that sense, we find out our types to recognize how we're getting ourselves stuck.

Rim: So if I'm one Enneagram and I would benefit from learning from the other Enneagram, but that person is that Enneagram, then they might benefit from learning from my Enneagram?

Joanne: Absolutely. Yeah. And so that just to give you an example, okay. My husband and my best friend, the three of us are different Enneagram types, but the types they happen to be are in my growth path. I'm type 4, my husband's a type 1, my best friend's a type 2. It just so happens that type 1 and type 2 are in the type 4's growth path. And it just so happens that type 4, my own type, happen to be in their growth paths. Type 1 involves type 4 and type 7. Type 2 involves type 4 and type 8.

Whichever case. So in a sense, we trigger the crap out of each other, because we do what the other person doesn't do well in and vice versa. But the other way of seeing it is they do well what I need to also learn how to do for myself.

Rim: So they're like a mirror, they're showing you what's possible for you in a way.

Joanne: But then if I, if I don't do it for myself, I'm going to judge it. So for example stereotypical type ones are known to be very principled and very methodical, but when they do it to an extreme, they can be very rigid and inflexible. So fours, who tend to be very spontaneous and creative, can judge ones for being very boring because they're so methodical in the way that they do things.

And then ones can be like fours, you fours are so crazy and chaotic. Why can't you stick with the plan that you set? Right? And so they can be at huge conflict with each other if they think their own position is automatically correct. And the anyone else's position is wrong. But in actuality, ones need to learn how to connect with their own authenticity, and actually learn how to be more like Fours.

And Fours, who tend to be very wild and chaotic or spontaneous, need to actually learn how to bring in the commitment and the follow through of type ones. You know this as like a creative, right? Like we can come up with all these ideas and then start them, but like not really finish them. Because there's a slog that we go through, right? And so learning how to tap into our arrow type, our growth paths, patterns, can really help us get unstuck from the mud that is our type.

Rim: Okay, I see. And it helps us to understand the other better without judging them.

Joanne: Absolutely. Right.

Rim: Right. Accepting who they are. And putting things into perspective, really.

Joanne: Yeah, like, in the beginning with my best friend who is a type 2, type 2s are known to focus on other people and not focus on themselves.

I used to kind of roll my eyes at that. It's like, you know, why don't you know your own feelings? Why don't you know your own needs? But I recognize now that I'm overly focused on my feelings and I don't consider other people as much. So I've learned a lot from her in learning how to come outside myself.

And she probably has learned a lot about how to connect with herself and her authenticity by observing me and how I naturally operate. So we've built more greater compassion for ourselves and also for other people in their own individual paths because there's no one way of living life.

There are nine plus ways and the Enneagram just helps us show that there are other options available.

Rim: Yeah, totally. That's really inspiring. So, do you think, would you recommend to do this work? Learning about the Enneagrams as a group? You might reap more benefits if you do this with your partners, with your children, with your parents, with your friends, or it's still very, very useful if you do it as a one person. Not knowing, because of course you know, that the Enneagrams of your closed ones, but. I imagine many people don't know. You maybe cannot ask and you know.

Joanne: Yeah, because our autopilot types tend to work in very sneaky ways. Like I said, like, sometimes people come to therapy with their own idea of what needs to be done to find out that their actual growth path is the opposite of what they like. People come in wanting to work on their relationships where the main reason why they're having relationship issues is because they focus solely on other people and have gotten resentful in the process. And so even when it comes to our own personal work, if anything, the simpler way of expressing it is: consider the three instincts, Self-preservation, Social and Sexual instinct.

Where those are the three different approaches for how we are to live life. So there is value in doing some self study where you're not around other people, you're doing some more inner contemplative work, and that will be the self realization. And then there's value in learning things in a group context, because sometimes seeing another person who has the same type or has a very different type can give us a lot of rich information for us to then process.

And then, you know, our most intimate relationships. Those will be the people who trigger the most out of us right and where you know, we can't get away from just constantly putting on a certain mode or putting on a certain mask. Those are people who will challenge us because you know, they're impacted directly and so all three arenas of focusing like doing the work on an individual solo level, doing things in a group context, and doing things in intimate relations.

All of those are absolutely essential. But different countries might emphasize different ones, like in the United States, there's a higher emphasis on doing things by oneself, the hyper individualism, rugged individuality, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, not relying on other people.

People in the United States need to learn how to be more reliant on the group instead of constantly trying to stand out as an individual.

Rim: I get that, but in order to learn to rely on others. Do they not need to shift something internally at their own individual level first so that they can accept and, you know, like be ready for it.

Joanne: Yeah. So I would say it's not like a sequential thing. Like you need to do this first before you do that. It's like, if you can do them simultaneously, that's best. But if it's hard to do that, then you first start with softening your own dominant approach.

Rim: I'm wondering if I'm not Self-Preservation instinct because I'm approaching things in sequence. I like this idea of step one, step two. I know. Like, very often I say, actually, no, it doesn't make any sense. I mean, sometimes, but, you know, in the creative process and all of that, everything can be, there's no rule, but I know I find myself, I feel reassured when I know there's step one, step two, step three, like sequence.

Joanne: Yeah. That's, that sounds Self-Presie. So it might be in one of your top two instincts. It's not clear yet whether that's your dominant one, but I think of the second instinct as like a second language. Like you can speak it well enough, but it just might not be your preferred language.

Rim: Hmm. Yeah. I like this comparison.

Wow. So tell me so HSPs, they often struggle with overwhelm and self doubt in their creative pursuits. And, you know, we talked about this desire that very often we have as HSPs to do many things, to create different things and to move on from one, iteration to next one. And as you said, sometimes we don't finish things. As a result, we don't finish things.

How can Enneagram help us with that if we want to finish things? I don't believe we have to finish everything we do, by the way. Just a disclaimer here. Yeah. But if we, if we want, obviously we do want to see results from what we're doing and so, yes, what, how, what can you say about that?

Joanne: Yeah, so there are some common struggles that creatives have, like procrastination, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, etc. But the nine different types have different reasons for why that might be happening. Like, someone who's type nine. Might procrastinate because they don't know they have a hard time focusing on 1 thing.

They have a very diffused focus of attention. Whereas ones might procrastinate because they feel like in order for them to do the job well, they need needs to perfect. But in order for it to be perfect. 1 way of assuring that something is perfect is to not start. Because once they start, then it becomes something that could be possibly criticized.

And then. Sixes can struggle with procrastination because they're constantly questioning themselves. Like, is this the right decision? And things like that, you know? So there are lots of different motivations that show up in different patterns. We need to get to the motivation instead of focusing on the behavior because someone might, let's say brute force their way into finishing a project, but there's so much emotional turmoil that came out of it.

So it was fine for this project, but what happens if there's another one? they're going to go through the same thing over and over again. So knowing our own Enneagram patterns helps us to untangle the specific ways that we get stuck. So for the person who's Type 9, if they procrastinate because they have a hard time focusing on one thing, their work is to practice limiting options and narrowing it down to maybe two options, and then flip a coin if needed.

For ones, it's about recognizing that imperfection isn't, doesn't mean that the person's unworthy. Actually, a lot of things are imperfect, but still good. Like nature, there's no perfect tree, but it can still be good. And so that person can practice doing things even though things are imperfect.

Person who's type six is procrastinating. Instead of constantly questioning themselves, practicing reassuring themselves that based on their past experience, All the things that they've done, even though they've doubted themselves, actually turned out pretty good. So how about they give themselves more credit? So there's three examples of procrastinating, therefore three different ways of growing out of it.

And knowing our own types helps us to zoom in on the specific mechanisms that are going on.

Rim: Okay, that's a lot. I'm already seeing myself going down the rabbit hole of searching and analyzing every time. Yeah. Out of curiosity. Well. I will not go there. I want to ask you a personal question, actually, because you have three businesses, so you're actually creating a lot. And just before we started to record our conversation, you told me you started this year with this intention of slowing down and doing things slightly differently.

Can you talk a bit about About this, because you're an HSP, you're Enneagram 4, how, like, how did you go through that? Or how is it helping you to slow down?

Joanne: Well, a couple of different angles to it. One is instead of me trying to create the perfect business, where I was just stressing out trying to force one entity in like being everything, I realized that there are, it might just be simpler for me to create separate entities where each of them can have a life of its own.

Part of it was like to provide more options for me to express different parts of myself without constantly trying to pick one at the expense of something else. So that was one reason. The other reason was because there was a lot more to me than being a therapist and I needed a creative outlet for me to really tap into those other parts of me.

So my first business is as a therapist in private practice working with people one on one. And then my second business is I'm really good at finances and marketing and behind the scenes stuff that most therapists hate doing. And so I help other therapists or healers in the private practice setting build their own dream business. So that way I get to scratch that itch of like, you know, building new things, but I'm not the one actually building it. I get to help other people do that for themselves. And the third one is for my online school for feelings. Where there are lots of things that I would like to share with other people that I can't in a one on one context because I only have one body and there's like hundreds of other people.

And so part of it was out of a practical need and part of it was out of this desire for me to give myself permission to not make this one big giant perfect thing, but have lots of different ways of feeling different parts of myself. I think a parallel with relationships is that sometimes, especially for sensitive types, we tend to idealize a romantic partner thinking that we need to find that one person who can fill all my needs.

And then we get frustrated because that doesn't happen. But if we recognize that we can actually get a lot of our relational needs met in lots of different ways, then it releases the burden on that one person who gets chosen. So kind of a similar set up, but more on the business side. But part of that was me realizing that type fours fours tend to have a hard time settling. It's like there always needs to be this evolution towards something new. And I do recognize that is a huge driver for me and I found that that was leading me to burnout.

It's as if I need to constantly reinvent myself so that I would be okay. Nowadays, it's more of thinking I'm already okay as I am and I can create but I'm not creating so that I can be okay. I'm creating because I am okay. So it's kind of swapping the personal worth, like how that's been attached.

Rim: That's a big shift. It's just the change of words but it's a huge, like an edge.

Joanne: It's completely flipping it upside down. Yeah. Yeah, because the Four tends to do things to fill this big hole in themselves, but that was that's an assumption. It's like what if i'm actually already worthy, what if i'm already enough? And so instead of making my creations yet another project to judge myself over. What if I create because I kind of want to have fun? As a young child would like when they're playing with things, it's like, yeah, that's what kids do. Like, it's a very natural, normal, good thing instead of constantly like, checking to see whether they're doing their homework or whether they're doing it perfectly, you know.

Rim: When you do the comparison with the child, it seems quite silly to expect the child to have just one passion, one activity, one hobby. It doesn't make any sense. So why do we expect this of adults? Somehow?

Joanne: I mean, I think there's an expectation that we should just grow out of things and that life is very linear. But one of the other things I've learned through the Enneagram is that Fours tend to live life as if they're constantly teenagers, angsty teenagers who are constantly feeling things and struggling and questioning their identity and things like that, being embarrassed and ashamed. And I like completely skipped over like a typical childhood experience because I was constantly focusing on what could have been.

And so now I'm catching up with the childlike part of me and in recognizing that maybe we're just supposed to have different modes at different times. Instead of growing out of something permanently and never going back. So being playful is one of the reasons why I'm wanting to create more space within my week and to slow down.

So actually I've been spending a lot of time this past month working on jigsaw puzzles. I've dialed back from doing a lot of work in the business and spent more time watching stand up comedy and working on different Lego pieces and it's been really nourishing for me just as much as the work that I do is also nourishing.

Rim: I love jigsaw puzzles and I love stand up comedies and I think it's, it should be part of work. I mean, you know what I mean? I think using your brain on this kind of modalities. is actually very helpful. It's great brain gymnastics.

Joanne: Yeah. But I think a part of me, the reason why I shifted to puzzles is because I didn't create it. I am consuming someone else's creative work. And I think there's something very relieving about that. It's like, I'm not an active participant here. I'm very passive. All I do is I spill the puzzle pieces onto the table and I assemble. And put things together like I don't have to come up with my own expression things and that's actually a very good balancing experience for me. Because the most I mean the majority of my work week I'm constantly making something new. Creating new Instagram posts, creating new blogs, and creating new podcasts. And there's always like something new that I'm generating and it's a muscle that when it's overused that can lead to injury So wanting to kind of balance that out.

Rim: I agree. I agree. What does it mean being an empowered, sensitive, and creative person for you?

Joanne: To be very much in tune with who we are, our essence as you described it. Finding our true selves that are, that's buried beneath our ego and our defense mechanisms. That we come back to being our young, innocent, childlike selves. A lot of that comes through play. being able to give ourselves permission to enjoy things because that's what we enjoy.

Rim: Yes. Yes. Yes to that. That's so true. And now to wrap up, tell me, how can people learn more about you and how can they work with you?

Joanne: Two different options. I think in this podcast episode, we talked about the Enneagram and talked a little bit about different emotions. And so I am an Enneagram therapist and I help people find out their reactive autopilot patterns that end up creating a lot of very predictable problems. And so I do have a free guide called the emotional habits of each Enneagram type. And that's available at the link in the show notes. And if you happen to be a sensitive type where you find out that a lot of your very important but big feelings tend to show up at the wrong place, the wrong time, or in the wrong way. I have another free guide called the Big Feelers First Aid Kit and that's also available in the show notes. So that one helps you find out what to do when your emotions show up in very unexpected ways, so that you can carry on with your day without judging yourself

Rim: Lovely. That sounds great. Thanks a lot. Thank you. And that's it for today, my friends. I hope you enjoyed our conversation and that it inspired to explore and inquire on your instincts and how this awareness can shed some light into your emotions, your thought patterns, your reactions. And also to be curious about the others around you and see how we can all learn from each other and keep growing.

And I'm sorry if there were a few sound, like technical hiccups. There was a struggling internet connection. And well, you know, that's how it is with tech, but we still managed to do it. So hooray to that. And on this, on this note, see you next week. Bye bye.

Thank you for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed this episode and if it has inspired you, please share it around you. Also, if you feel called to it, please subscribe to the podcast and give me a review. It really helps to spread the word out. All your questions are welcome. You can sign up to me on Instagram at rimcreativenergy.com or email me via my website rimcreativenergy.com and don't worry, I'll share in the show notes exactly where to find me. Until next time, sending you loving creative energy.

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What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?

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Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!

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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Which Ax Are You?

Two Lumberjacks

Have you heard of the story of the two lumberjacks?

There once were two lumberjacks who decided to have a little competition to see who could cut the most wood in a day. They rolled up their sleeves and started hacking away at the trees.

Dude A kept going strong, chopping and chopping, all the way til sunset.

Dude B started strong, but every once in a while walked away, disappearing for 15 minutes at a time after every hour.

Dude A thought, "Bro, your loss!" and kept swinging his ax.

Dude B did this throughout the day, disappearing for a total of 3 hours.

At sunset, they piled their wood blocks to settle the match.

(By this point in your life, y'all you would have heard enough stories to know that Dude B won.)

"What the hell!" stated Dude A. "You must have cheated! How is this possible that you cut more than me? You weren't even around for a fourth of the time!"

"Cheated? No. All we decided on was who would cut down more wood. I used the same ax as you have, bro." 

"Then how did this happen?"

"I took a break. The breeze was nice today!"

"???"

"Yeah, it was such a gorgeous day, that I wanted to just chill and take in the view. I let my body rest, stretched, and sharpened my ax." Dude B pulled out a polished stone from his pocket.

Sharpen Your Knife

Moral of the story? Resting is NOT slacking off. It's refusing to work harder than you need to - taking the simpler, easier, more enjoyable route. It's rebelling against society's pressure to believe, "I am what I DO." 

Resting is NOT a sign of laziness. It's also not a sign of incompetency or worthlessness. Rather, it's the opposite.

Knowledge says, "If I keep working the whole time without stopping, I'll get more done."

Wisdom says, "If I'm in my peak condition, my element, everything would just FLOW. I'll get more done, even with less work."

Even in your kitchen, if you use a dull knife, you are more likely to: 

1. Exert far more effort than using a sharpened knife

2. Have sloppier results

3. Hurt yourself 

If you've been frustrated with yourself because you're struggling with procrastination, perfectionism, overwhelm, etc., I get it. My Enneagram self-preservation 4 autopilot prompts me to keep pushing the daily grind until I wear myself out and shut down.

I've learned the hard way that growth, progress, and productivity isn't linear. More time, more money, more effort does NOT always win out.

...not that growth, progress, or productivity is the point. 

Like Dude B, you can take a break, catch a breath, and enjoy the scenery. That he was also productive was BONUS, but not the point.

Dude B was a winner, and not because he chopped more wood. He was a winner because he had a great time. He ENJOYED life.

What's the state of your knife or ax?

• Are you in a FLOW state, where things feel like you're cutting butter?

• Or a FRUSTRATED state, where everything feels so damn difficult and annoying?

If it's been a while since you've taken a breather, now's your chance. It doesn't even have to be long or complicated.

Put the ax down.

Rest your feet.

Stretch your arms.

Take in the view.

Sharpen your ax - let your mind, body, and heart be focused.

Want some ideas to help you hone your senses? Here are some options:

• The Five S's of Self-Care

• Create Your Safe Haven

• 3 Ways to Calm your Nervous System as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)

• Build Self-esteem with a Fuck-it List

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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

3 Ways to Calm Your Nervous System as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)

I was a guest on the Highly Sensitive Podcast with Lauren LaSalle.

I shared about how I learned I was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and gave three tips about how to calm your nervous system as an HSP.

(Scroll down for the transcript.)

My HSP Story

Lauren: What was your experience like discovering that you were highly sensitive? 

Joanne: I heard about it a couple years back during my pre-license years in therapy.  

I think just the lights went on and everything kind of clicked and made sense in terms of just how readily aggravated I get over sensory experiences, especially in my environment.

I used to label myself as being very asocial and withdrawn and things like that. 

I used to live with my in-laws for a good number of years. Being in a household full of vivacious people with all these sounds, I found myself coming home from work, going straight into my bedroom, turning off all the lights, putting my earplugs in, and going into bed.

Or in other times, we would have a big family gathering where they would hangout until past midnight. I would usually be the first to duck out because my eyes were glazing over from all of the activity and energy and I wouldn’t really be listening anymore.

I found out later that my in-laws wondered whether I was okay or thought that I didn’t like them.

Once I learned that I was HSP, how my body felt and what I did all made sense.

I explained to my in-laws that my body needed to decompress from all that happened during the day, and that it wasn’t personal. Because a lot of them were also HSPs, they understood. Now they know how to interpret my reactions.

To smooth things over, nowadays I just tell people, “Hey, I need to go decompress. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” and help my body and brain recharge. It’s a neutral, regular, and routine thing I do these days.

Lauren: Wow. I can't even imagine living with, I mean, even my own parents again, let alone my in-laws. That sounds really tough as an HSP.

Joanne: Fortunately, my in-laws are really great. They're emotionally fluent enough where I can share how I'm feeling and they're okay. 

It's more the sensory experiences of just there being a lot of chatter I hear through the walls and pots and pans clanging and things like that.

I think having agency over my own immediate space has been super helpful. Having my own office space was actually a huge plus for my own personal emotional and mental health, because I get to control the space however I want to and add all kinds of very soothing features to it in ways that I wouldn't have been able to at home.

What is Trauma?

Lauren: Not only are you highly sensitive, but you are also a therapist who works with highly sensitive people. What are some examples of how normal events can be traumatic for HSPs and kind of what can cause this to happen? 

Joanne: I like thinking about things through the lens of our nervous system in terms of how overwhelmed it gets. 

Often when people think about reactivity, they think about the actions people do in response to being stressed. There's less of a focus about how a person gets stressed to begin with.

 I would say there is a general window by which we are supposed to be stimulated throughout the day, like the sun rises or the coffee machine works, et cetera. Generally we're supposed to take those stimuli and use them to kind of wake up and engage the day. 

It's just that for HSPs that window is a lot smaller where we can get readily flooded all too easily and non HSPs they're like, I don't even notice a difference. 

When that overstimulation happens for an extended period of time it really wears away at the body, at the nervous system with cortisol (the stress hormones) constantly coursing through our veins. Cortisol has been shown to actually erode some aspects of our bodily function, it actually impacts some organs. 

It's this deadly cycle where we get overstimulated more readily, our bodies are under a lot of strain, we make reactive decisions that often make hard things worse, and then there's more strain and then it just keeps spiraling through. 

Generally I define trauma more openly than other therapists might. I don't just consider those big dramatic events, like a car crash or assault or things like that as trauma. I define trauma as any event, big or small, that gives people a very concentrated set of feeling out of control, feeling like they're in danger, or feeling embarrassed. 

That last piece would I think give a lot of people more empathy towards themselves. 

If a person when they're growing up in their elementary school classroom gets called on by a teacher to answer a question on the board, some kids might be like, oh, this is super exciting I can finally show off what I can do, and they answer the question on the board, that's taken as a very positive experience. But for a lot of people, especially HSPs, who are called on the spot, they weren't expecting it.  

Getting called on itself is very stressful on top of getting all this attention from everyone in the classroom, and then they might actually turn beat red. Therefore also losing control over their own bodily experiences and would be super embarrassed. They will be socially isolated, or at least internally, that's how they would interpret it. 

That event, which normally will be considered a very normal, day-to-day experience, is a traumatic event.  Later down the line, the person might have a lot of anxiety when it comes to giving presentations at work.

These are the actual kinds of situations that I help my therapy clients with in the present day. 

Lauren: I love that example because as you were talking about it, I started to feel anxious. Because I was one of those people where if the teacher called on me,  even if I knew the answer, it was a total blank. Like, I have no idea what's going on. I feel all hot and like everybody's looking at me and like I just kind of want to disappear. So I can totally relate to that, and I'm sure a lot of people will be able to as well. 

Joanne: Being sensitive not just towards being put on the spot, but also other people's energies and emotions, and also sensitivity towards one’s own bodily functions.t's kind of like a triple, quadruple dose of stimulation. 

It will definitely lead people to shut down and afterwards having shut down then there's a lot of the shame talk. Like, oh, why couldn't I be like Tommy? Or why did I do this? Like, I'm so dumb, et cetera. 

And that's adding several extra layers.

Lauren: I like how you define trauma too, because I think I've done that as well with my clients. I think a lot of people just think, oh, trauma is these big events that happen, but it really can be seemingly smaller events. Just because it doesn't affect one person negatively doesn't mean that it's not going to really, really affect somebody else and have a lasting impact on them. I really like that definition. 

Joanne: What I also like about that definition is that we can also flip it upside down to talk about what kinds of experiences help an HSP heal, or general person, but HSPs all the more.

If trauma is any experience, big or small, that leads a person to feel super out of control, super in danger or embarrassed, then healing would be any experience, big or small, that helps a person feel like they're in self-control, that they're super safe and secure and feeling seen, known and validated.

Finding ways to give ourselves more of those experiences on purpose, integrating that into our day-to-day lives is super important, because in the same way that we would be bothered more readily by different things that come up, we could also be readily soothed then for non HSPs.

It goes both ways. That's the nice thing about it. 

Responsiveness and Attunement

Lauren: I think that's so interesting that research has found that. It's just a really strange thing. I wouldn't have thought that that would be the case. I guess it's kind of sad in a way, but it's kind of nice also that even though we can be negatively affected by things more than the average person, we can actually be more affected by positive things, too.

Joanne: It eventually kind of breaks even, you know?

It's just that neutral stimulation. Less so having a moral charge of good and bad towards it. 

I think for that reason, those who are highly sensitive or are in relationships with HSPs need to be particularly attentive to noticing things in our environment like, five senses. 

Like bringing in more greenery, for example. 

Even those small things can have their own compound interest, if you will. It just keeps snowballing so that even when a person comes home, if their environment is very soothing, then they can actually recharge a lot more quickly than for someone who's not particularly paying attention and they're still getting aggravated along the way.

I would say that the HSP trait prompts one to need more responsiveness and attunement and more intentionality to their daily experiences. 

Lauren: I agree. And I've started to try, I mean, now I have a six month old at home so that's just another added layer on top of everything. As a new mom you hear, you don't have to keep up with the dishes and all of this, it's okay because you're busy, which I totally agree with. But on the flip side, if I don't, it stresses me out. If there's stuff all over the place, I lose my mind. So I know that for my own mental health, I also have to be as much on top of dishes, laundry, and cleaning up clutter as I can be. Otherwise it's going to go rapidly downhill.

Joanne: It's not about being particular or about having high standards or whatnot. The alternative is I'm just going to be irritable all the time. 

We give our nervous systems a chance to breathe more easily.

Using Brainspotting to Decompress

Lauren: So what are some other things that we can do to help our nervous systems other than being really intentional about our surroundings? 

Joanne: There are two approaches that I use most of the time in therapy. One is the Enneagram Personality framework. The other is called brainspotting, which is a derivative of EMDR, another trauma therapy technique. 

Brainspotting is actually what we do naturally, just not on purpose. 

If you've ever seen a veteran who is back in civilian life and they're kind of sitting on a bench and they're staring off into space. That's an example of brainspotting. 

The person doesn't quite know that they're internally processing, but their lizard brain is definitely trying to metabolize some stressful things. Obviously, for veterans, they've gone through a lot. 

HSPs tend to do that, staring off into space a lot more often. It's just that the idea of staring off into space is not socially acceptable. It's as if someone is not engaged or disinterested or whatever. 

Often when someone is sitting, staring off into space, the people around them are like, hey, are you okay?

But in actuality, the person's brain is saying, no, I just need to sit and do nothing and decompress. 

What I recommend for clients who come in, they find out that they're HSP or they've known for some time, but they're wanting to know how can I de-stress as soon as possible. I would say give yourself permission to sit and zone out for at least five minutes uninterrupted. 

The emphasis is on permission. 

Often when we have those experiences, when we're checked out, there's a lot of judgment and shame around it. When our body's actually trying to recover, when we bring in that judgment, then that actually sets up a whole bunch of triggers that ends up adding more stress than even before we start zoning out.

If a person can give themselves at least three to five minutes of zone out time throughout the day.  Great! 

If a person does it five minutes every hour, the five minutes will help decompress whatever happened within that 55 minutes prior, and then again, and again, and again. Really taking advantage of breaks. 

Let's say a person's work environment is not conducive to that kind of stuff. Where it's an open office and everyone's talking all the time. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and then just sit there for a couple extra minutes so that you can have uninterrupted time where you can just allow your body to metabolize whatever comes up.

Brainspotting traditionally is using specifically one's eye position and zoning out while looking at that particular spot. It's just that a lot of people might do so accidentally where they're zooming in on a negative experience and then end up ruminating. 

My encouragement for people is that instead of focusing on what's bothering them to scan their body. Look for the most neutral or the most pleasant or grounding spot. 

Then while they're focusing on that spot notice where their eyes naturally gravitate towards and then stare there… for not too long because this is originally a therapy approach, so it really should be done with a therapist. Especially when processing difficult things. But because our bodies reflexively do it anyway, it will be good for people to try that on purpose.

An idea with brainspotting is where you look affects how you feel. So it's kind of hacking that towards HSPs. 

Lauren: That's so cool! I'm guessing doing this might help with falling asleep at night. I know a lot of us, if we have trouble falling asleep, it's because our brain won't shut off. I'm guessing if you give yourself breaks during the day to process things instead of leaving it all to when you're trying to fall asleep, then it will help with the time it takes to fall asleep. 

Joanne: Focusing on a very soothed or relaxed part of your body, noticing where your eye naturally drifts to and staring off in that place and just noticing whatever comes up. 

We don't have to analyze or anything. It's better that we don't analyze. 

Another approach is to focus on what you would like to feel. Thinking of either a time in your life, a memory, or if you don't have a particular memory, make up a scenario. 

For some people it might be laying in a hammock with a cocktail in your hand in front of the beach. Focusing on that until you experience the body sensations and then notice where your eye looks and then stare there. 

You can use either of those approaches. No fancy equipment necessary. You could actually do this while you're laying in bed in the dark. It's kind of a nice, handy way to do so.

Lauren: I'm gonna try that. I've heard of brainspotting through working, but I've never, gone further than just hearing about what it is. So that's really interesting to learn about that. I'm glad you brought that. 

Joanne: We don't have one brain, we have three, and they're very much interconnected.

So if someone, having gone through a bad situation, and they have negative emotions and their body shows it. Facial expressions or the posture or whatnot. The reverse is also true as well. 

When people actually simulate a posture that's associated with either positive or relaxed experiences, maybe even power postures, that's something that has been gaining more popularity nowadays, that can also affect how we feel on the inside.

It's just that the highly sensitive person trait often is associated with social experiences of making oneself small or meek or gentle or quiet, caring, et cetera. 

I would actually even encourage HSPs to practice living as if they're not HSPs, at least in their bodies. That can actually create a different feedback loop.

Lauren: I like that. 

Joanne: I might encourage a non HSPs to actually practice being like HSPs. So it goes both ways 

Lauren: I'm so glad you brought all of this to the podcast because I hadn't talked about some of these things before. Your expertise is much appreciated. 

Joanne: It's a great space. I'm really thankful that you have this avenue for people to really learn more about themselves and take good care.

Top Two, Bottom Two

Lauren: Thank you. So is there anything that we haven't talked about yet that you wanted to make sure you brought up? 

Joanne: In terms of the five senses, one thing I talk about with people is in noticing which of the five senses are your top two? Like you notice it all too readily. They either bother you or they please you very easily. 

Then what are your bottom two senses? 

For me, I'm super easily affected by sight and touch. My bottom two senses are taste and smell. 

It actually has been a very healing journey for me personally. I used to dissociate a lot. In actually tapping into those bottom two senses and trying to reconnect with my physical body.

I happen to do so by making cocktails. That's been a fun experience for me because I'm really focusing in on what usually takes more effort. That's helped me to connect with a present versus drifting away into wherever I tend to go in my mind and my feelings. 

Lauren: I like that.

So how can people connect with you?

Joanne: I have my website, olivemecounseling.com. I'm also on Facebook and Instagram. I do also have a side business called Intelligent Emotions and that is an online course where I help people find out how to navigate with their big feelings.

Often if we leave our big feelings as they are, they tend to spiral into a vortex. It's a self paced course where people can find out that emotions are actually very logical and they actually have a system of their own. We're just not ever taught about it. Those two things:

OliveMe Counseling or Intelligent Emotions, that's the name of the course. 

Lauren: Thank you so much for being here. I think a lot of people will benefit from what you shared with us.

---

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© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

How to Do Brainspotting on Yourself (Gazespotting)

DISCLAIMER: The Brainspotting approach mentioned here is meant to help your body decompress from stress accumulated from a busy day, NOT to help you process trauma. This post is NOT meant to be a replacement for therapy, just to help you wind down and rest more readily.

If you have trauma triggers or really intense emotional reactivity, find a therapist near you.

Your body knows how to heal itself

Brainspotting is a therapy modality that’s been gaining more attention in recent years because of how well it helps people process emotional reactivity, trauma, and dissociation.

As a derivative of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Brainspotting also utilizes eye positions. David Grand, the founder of Brainspotting, says, “Where you look affects how you feel.”

Many of my therapy clients who’ve tried both EMDR and Brainspotting say that they prefer the latter, hands down, because of how intuitive it can be and how deeply yet quickly it helps people resolve their pain.

One of the best things about Brainspotting is that this is actually something our bodies intuitively know how to do. Staring off into space, eyes glazed over, is an example.

Gazespotting (one specific type of Brainspotting) is a useful tool to keep in your back pocket, especially if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person or if your life circumstances are super busy and/or chaotic that you often feel overwhelmed (parents of young kiddos, I see you!).

Gazespotting is much more helpful than Netflix binging or scrolling mindlessly on social media, since you don’t actually feel more rested after those things.

No fancy equipment necessary for Gazespotting - you just need 5-7 minutes (15 minutes, even better!).

You can do this anywhere and anytime you don’t have anything you need to focus on (i.e., don’t do this excessively at work or while driving - otherwise you might make mistakes or miss your exit!).

How to do DIY Brainspotting

Reminder, don’t try to do trauma processing by yourself. Brainspotting is like deep water diving - the further below the surface you go into your subconscious, the darker and more disorienting it gets. Divers have someone else sitting in the boat on the surface, ready to pull them out when it’s getting too risky or when it’s time. The Brainspotting therapist is that someone else.

Here are the steps for Gazespotting:

1. Recommended timing: Once around lunch time, once around dinner time, and once before going to bed (basically, when your body and mind needs a break from work/focus mode).

2. Set an alarm for 7 minutes, with a pleasant alarm tone.

3. Focus on a part of your body that feels the most GROUNDED, NEUTRAL, and CALM. Rate that feeling from 1-10 (10 - most relaxed).

4. Then, look around in your room (first from left to right at eye level, then up/down) and find a spot where you feel even MORE relaxed.

5. Zone out while staring at that spot until the timer goes off.

6. Just notice whatever comes up - none of this needs to make sense to your analytical brain.

7. When the timer goes off, close your eyes, scan your body, and stretch your body to reset and be fully present again.

8. Don’t do this for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Better to do it more frequently than longer durations.

9. If you’re still feeling checked out, drink some water. Notice the temperature of the water as it goes down.

BONUS: If you’re feeling super reactive and have a hard time calming, here’s a great video that my work wife Melinda Olsen made about Vergence, another type of Brainspotting you can do yourself!

Power of Permission

The main difference between Gazespotting and you accidentally zoning out is your INTENTION.

When you zone out reflexively, you might often judge yourself because society deems those who are inactive as being “lazy”, “sluggish”, “unproductive”, etc.

You might judge yourself, or others around you might judge. But when you give yourself PERMISSION to zone out, a huge internal switch happens.

• When you zone out DESPITE your plans, you feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, OUT OF CONTROL, and ASHAMED. This adds more strain to your nervous system, which makes you more reactive.

• When you zone out because you WANT to, you experience the feelings of AGENCY and SELF-CONTROL. This helps the nervous system soothe.

Practice giving yourself PERMISSION to rest, zone out, do nothing. Then see what happens.

A loud inner critic…

When your inner critic/Manager part starts criticizing you for not getting work done:

• Say thank you to that part for wanting to help you

• Say that what it’s doing is not actually helping because it’s adding MORE stress that shuts you down further

• Tell that part that what you’re needing right now is to turn your nervous system back on and that you need to turn off your brain for a while to do just that

• Say that you’ll ask for your inner critic’s help again when it’s the right time. Now is not that time.

• Reset the timer to 5 minutes.

• Resume gazespotting.

A Rhythm of Relaxing

Gazespotting is something I’ve integrated into my normal daily routine during lunch breaks, when I come home from work (sitting in my car for an extra 5 min before going inside), or winding down at the end of the day in bed.

More frequent, shorter runs are better than having stress buildup on your nervous system. If you really don’t have chunks of time to do this, doing this for 1 minute every hour between meetings or activities would still do wonders for your mind, heart, and body.

Start incorporating this wherever you are, and see where this takes you. The key words are “INTENTION” and “PERMISSION.”

---

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© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Designing a Healing Space: How HSPs Can Create a Safe Haven at Home

Hanging on the wall of my best friend’s office is this sign that reads:

Sanctuary:

your safe and peaceful haven.
a comforting place of refuge and rest in a noisy, chaotic world.

Ever since I learned that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I realized just how much my external environment impacts my inner world, and vice versa.

Home for this HSP

Having learned this, I started recalibrating how my physical space is both at home and at work.

Here’s what I did for myself:

• I got plants, which taught me valuable lessons

• I gave myself permission to toss out itchy clothes

• I replaced all the lighting in my home with soft, warm light

• I bought a TON of plushy blankets and cushions

• I got fuzzy slippers and warm layers

• I got rid of anything looks visually jarring (busy patterns, annoying colors, clutter)

• I often wear earplugs or noise cancelling earphones when unwinding or focusing on a task

Moreover, I chose a home specifically considering what impact it might have on my HSP body. Even if it cost more, I gave more weight to things like natural lighting, tons of greenery, access to water, and lots of quiet.

(Imagine how many therapy sessions I saved myself because my body regularly gets to rest and relax! All in all, a net GAIN.)

Within my home, here is a nook I created for myself, my own sanctuary.

Inside matches Outside

One morning, I bust out my watercolors and joined in the Draw Your Feelings workshop that my friend Rukmini (@rockinruksi) offers. The prompt for that morning was: “Mapping Your Heart”.

This is what came out during that time.

In the past several years, I’ve done a lot of personal work in considering myself as being JUST AS WORTHY as others - no more, no less (think equanimity: “equal life” or “equal soul”).

A lot of this inner work was possible because I also recalibrated my external environment.

Your Safe Haven

I define TRAUMA to be any experience that stirs up strong feelings of being unsafe, ashamed, or out of control.

In turn, I define HEALING to be any experience that provides the opposite - that gives you the sense of being safe, worthy, or in self-control.

• When it comes to your physical environment (home and work), what do you notice?

• What is its impact on your mind? your emotions? your nervous system?

Not everyone has the opportunity and freedom to do a complete overhaul of their personal space, but there is still a lot of adjustments that might be feasible.

Specifically consider the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch:

1. How can you reduce, dampen, or eliminate some things that BOTHER you?

2. How can you bring more of what REJUVENATES you?

Take one small action to help your body soothe a bit more this week.

---

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---

© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

3 Lessons Plants Taught Me

I speak as if I’m a natural green thumb. I’m not. I’m genuinely surprised that my plants are still alive. I believe they lived this long DESPITE me, not BECAUSE of me. 

At first, I got plants for my office as a way of bringing in more greenery into my space. (As a Highly Sensitive Person, I am easily impacted by my physical environment.) 

Never did I imagine that tending to plants would a fantastic way of taming my autopilot tendencies to:

• Be perfectionistic

• Be anxious about what’s not going well or might go wrong

• Overwork

• Have difficulty sitting still

• Live disconnected from the present

• Seek intensity and novelty

Here are three things plants taught me about how to do my life differently. 

Imperfect, but nonetheless worthy

No two plants are the same. No two leaves are the same. More often than not, you see asymmetry and imperfections of color, size, and shape. 

Go outside and look at the trees, bushes, and flowers - if you’re looking for it, you will find blemishes, broken branches, and ways it could be “better”. 

…So what? Plants are still beautiful and valuable as they are, and rarely do we think about how they’re so even though they’re imperfect. 

You probably didn’t even notice those plants’ disfigurations all that much until you were prompted to look for them. You go about your day having enjoyed them, as if it’s not a problem, because it really isn’t. 

Why do we place so much emphasis on ourselves and others as if perfection is what makes us worthy and acceptable?

See yourself as a plant. It is what it is, and it’s already beautiful. 

Here’s a mantra for you:

I am how I am, and I am already good.

Are your needs met?

I get the main point of the idiom, “Bloom where you’re planted.” You’re to take advantage of the opportunities that your present circumstances provide and learn to be grateful.

That’s definitely an important skill to have in life, but as with all adages, there are limitations. 

If you have an autopilot that makes things seem worse than they actually are, and if being critical and unhappy is your baseline, do practice blooming where you’re planted. 

But useful also is the skill of attuning to yourself and knowing what works best for YOU. What works for one plant doesn’t work for another unless they have similar needs. 

Some plants need direct lighting; others would shrivel if they’re in the same conditions. Some plants need frequent watering; others are susceptible to growing root rot (RIP my olive tree). 

We are all individual and unique. Sure, we have some universal needs like food and sleep we share in common, but even in those things we have differences is how much or in what way. 

Know your own distinct needs and take steps to meet them, rather than judging yourself for not “growing” or “performing” in the way someone else is. Both of you are neither inherently better or worse; y’all are who you are, you’re both worthy, and each of you have specific needs to flourish well. 

Know thyself. Know thy needs.

Do an audit of what are your specific needs in these arenas:

• Physical

• Emotional

• Relational

• Environmental

• Intellectual

• Professional

• Spiritual

• Financial

What steps will you take this week to get these needs met?

Blame the bug, not the plant

Sometimes a plant languishes or is stunted in its growth because of pests that extract its valuable nutrients. When that happens, we are ready to see the pest (not the plant) as a problem, remove the parasites, and give the plant some good TLC so it can recover.

The same ought to be done about ourselves in some of our relationships, because there ARE people in our lives who operate like parasites. 

In my therapy practice, I often work with people who are in one-sided relationships with parents, partners, friends, or coworkers who seek a “host” to exploit, meeting their own needs at the expense of my clients’. We explore the topics of emotional abuse, manipulation, power dynamics, resentment, dependency, and codependency. 

Sometimes this exploitation is deliberate - the “parasite” consciously takes advantage of the other person or is vindictive, cruel, or petty with utter disregard for the recipients’ wellbeing. As Henry Cloud describes in his book, “Necessary Endings,” these are the “Evil Persons” who we must limit their access to us ASAP.

Then there are those who are accidentally exploitative as a byproduct of some other pattern. For example, when a person doesn’t take responsibility for meeting their own needs or see themselves as helpless, they create a power vacuum for someone else to step in for them. 

(Imagine the kind of relationship between one housemate who doesn’t clean up after themselves and another who just can’t stand the mess. Or the imbalanced relationship between someone who cries at the thought of figuring out the internet and a family member whose heart string is pulled and calls the internet company for them.) 

Are you a “host”?

The party who steps in often has a soft spot for others who are struggling, even if the pain is of their own making. Those who have a higher likelihood of being a “host” include:

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• Those who are conscientious, responsible, empathic types

• Empaths, Highly Sensitive Persons

• Enneagram 1s, 2s, 4s, 9s, and some other subtypes (all for different reasons)

• Oldest siblings (especially women)

• Children of immigrants

• Those who are in caregiving roles or professions (teachers, therapists, nurses, etc.)

Those who live as if they’re hosts often:

• Have a hard time knowing what they want and need (and ignore them)

• Find it difficult to say “no”

• Is scared of conflict or asking for help

• Overly focus on what other people are needing

• Feel guilty about taking care of themselves

Eventually, because the “hosts” have their own valid yet unmet needs, usually these imbalanced relationships leave them feeling fatigued, depleted, and resentful. 

(In this case, resentment is very GOOD, as it signals the need for boundaries, reciprocity, and care.)

We ought not to judge the depleted host for being tired, but rather remove the exploitative agents. If you’re having a difficult time flourishing where you are, consider whether it might be because someone else is sapping your energy, time, resources, and money. 

Remove the parasites ASAP (don’t let them grow), clear your environment of toxicity, and nourish yourself with what you specifically need. 

(BTW - just to be clear, this is NOT about judging others for being LESS THAN, but rather holding them accountable for their own needs and actions. You providing them nourishment that they need to give to themselves is NOT helping them, but is ENABLING them in being dependent upon hosts. Win-lose relationships are LOSE-LOSE.)  

I highly recommend you grab a copy of Henry Cloud’s book, Necessary Endings, so you know how to tend to yourself well by pruning away things that sap your strength and eliminating harmful influences. 

How will you set boundaries with others this week? 

---

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© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Concentric Circles of Connection

Shifting Relationships

Every time we go through any major life event (positive or negative), it's good to check in with the nature of our current connections.

Such shifting points include:

• Getting a new job

• Starting or ending a relationship

• Upgrading to the “next level” of relationships

• Moving to another city, state, country

• The pandemic

• Losing (or gaining) a job

Sometimes we find out through life experience that our connections maybe aren't as sustainable as we might think of them to be. With some people, we may not actually be as close to as we would like.

Instead of constantly putting yourself out there and then feeling disappointed, or hurt, or realizing that your relationships are super imbalanced, it's good to do a check-in every now and then.

Ask yourself, "Is my connection with someone able to sustain the level of intimacy as I would like?"

The Concentric Circles of Connection

There are many different kinds of friendships. It's not a matter of “Yes, I have friends” or “No, I don’t have friends,” but “What kind of friends do I have?”

Imagine that there are several levels or tiers of friendships.

(The number of levels may change over time, but here’s one way of distinguishing them.)

View fullsize

• +: Positive experiences

• —: Negative experiences

Tier 1: BFFs (+++———)

At the innermost circle are those who are our Ride-or-Die people. These are the people who know ourselves the best, those with whom we can share our deepest darkest secrets with and they will show up.

The relationship is consistent day after day. They're going to be there for you, no matter what. They’ve explicitly made that commitment clear.

You've cultivated a lot of connection and trust and rapport, and they're also able to sustain the difficult emotions. So, it doesn't mean that you have an equal amount of positive and negative interactions with each other, but this is the depth of experiences that you share with them.

When the best and worst things happen, these are the people you call first.

Tier 2: Close Friends (++——)

These folks have demonstrated that they're trustworthy. They share in your personal hardships and also celebrate your wins. You can have great dinners and heart-to-heart talks.

You're still close to them and deeply enjoy their company, but they're not the first people you would call if something happens. (You’ll eventually catch them up when you do meet.)

Tier 3: Fun Friends (++—)

These are people with whom you have mutual interests and have fun. You might like going to concerts, play board games, or do wine tastings, but when something hard goes on in your life, they're nowhere to be found.

That doesn't mean that they're necessarily a bad friend, but they're just not in your inner circles. That’s okay.

It's important when we come across these kinds of connections that we release them from any expectations for us to rely on them, so that THEY don't feel trapped about what we're going through, and WE don't rely on people who are not readily available for us.

But we can still have a good time! Relationships don’t have to be all-or-nothing, eggs-in-one-basket, intensity-or-bust (Take heed, Enneagram Fours! Not all experiences we have in life are super serious and it's good to learn how to lighten up and to enjoy things.).

It’s good to have a wide range of relationships, even ones where surface-level convos are the norm and where activities serve as the core.

Tier 4: Neighbors (+—)

These people can be co-workers or literal neighbors—people you see pretty often. You know each other's names, how many kids or pets y’all have, generally what might be going on in each others’ lives, but you're not necessarily going to call them up to hang out all the time.

You might share, "Someone hit my car bumper last night, and I'm kind of feeling frustrated," or "Yeah, like my kid is about to do a major performance and super excited about it."

Sometimes, to avoid repercussions in your daily life, you may opt NOT to share things.

You might connect every once in a while, but mostly you see each other in passing, say hello, be polite, be gentle. Other than that, they're not necessarily involved in your lives.

Tier 5: Acquaintances (~)

These are people who are neutral and you don’t share much with at all, good or bad. You know of each other, from a distance. If you don’t hit it off, oh well. It’s not (necessarily) a problem.

Tier 6: Blacklisters (——)

These are people who have demonstrated over and over again that they are NOT trustworthy, and they hurt more than help. They often take way too taking up way too much space in the relationship. It’s all about them, and there’s little room for your own feelings or your experiences.

When you try to speak up for what you need, you get shot down or you get dismissed, minimized, gaslit, etc. As these people are toxic, it's generally good to have strong walls up and give them minimal information.

Sometimes these people are those who used to be your closest friends, and sometimes they're family members. It's really really hard and painful in those situations, but the cost for not putting up those boundaries is that you get more and more diminished.

Emotions like resentment, guilt, shame, anxiety are all evidence that someone who belongs in the outer tiers are too close to you. Sometimes they barge in, sometimes you give them an inch and they take a mile.

They may still be valuable as human beings, so they deserve a base level of human dignity (don't be mean to them), but don't give out your personal information (including what’s going on in your life) because they might use it against you.

These are people you interact with where afterwards you feel bad about yourself or your life. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE; GTFO.

Is everyone in their rightful tiers?

To maintain health and longevity, do an audit of your current relationships. List 10 people you often see these days, and indicate what your general interaction is like with + and —.

• Tier 1 (BFFs): +++——— (can handle both strong positive and strong negative experiences):

• Tier 2 (Close Friends): ++—— (similar as BFF, but not first pick)

• Tier 3 (Fun Friends): ++— (mostly pleasant, but not as deep)

• Tier 4 (Neighbors): +— (neutral, frequent but surface level)

• Tier 5 (Acquaintances): ~ (neutral, little sharing)

• Tier 6 (Blacklist): ——— (consistently negative)

Plot these individuals onto the Concentric Circles chart (download here). What do you notice?

Some questions to think of:

1. Are there people who have more access to you than they deserve?
   If you keep experiencing more pain than good with someone (and they refuse to change), it might be time for you to bump them into outer tiers.
   This does not make them lesser of a person, but just relocates them to where the relationship can actually handle the level of intimacy. When people stay closer than they’re supposed to, that increases the risk that the relationship will implode or explode, resulting in that person being sent to the Blacklist.
   Find the right amount of intimacy that is sustainable.

2. Are there some people who have demonstrated trustworthiness that you can give more access to?
   Sometimes, those you never expected to be close to may become some of your closest people. Be open to trying out new levels of intimacy until you hit a limit - that might be the new equilibrium point for the next season of your life.

Changing Needs, Shifting Tiers

You may find that there are some people who kind of move back and forth between different tiers—that's totally okay!

Be open to having relationships of varying mobility. Remember, it’s not all-or-nothing.

As we change and grow in life, our needs and wants change. We need to shift our connections to match the new level of personal growth.

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

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What are your emotional habits?

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?

Nervous System Health: Stuck On & Stuck Off

Not 1 but 3 Brains

This might be new information, but we don’t have ONE brain, we actually have THREE BRAINS.

1. We have the thinking, executive brain that plans things makes executive decisions and implements them, and can think in the past or far ahead.

2. We have our feeling and emotional brain, which is very relational. It tunes into other people’s facial expresses and cues and responds accordingly. It’s also the part that holds our emotions and big events in our lives, both harsh and great.

3. Finally, we have the bottom part of the brain that’s reflexive, called “lizard brain” that regulates all regulated aspects of our being—the things we have no control over, like pupil dilation, heart rate, blood flow, etc.

Give all the things going on in the world, the country, in our local areas, within our relationships, I wouldn’t be surprised if our bodies are being bombarded with all kinds of stress that it doesn’t know how to decompress from. Our habits of thinking, feeling, and doing are on hyperdrive as our bodies are trying to cope and survive.

Healthy Nervous System

Smooth Flow

Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel

This is a visual of what happens within our nervous systems. We have what’s called a “Sympathetic Nervous System” (SNS) at the peak, which is the activity and energizing focus dedicated part of our nervous systems where we are alert in the day, we’re trying to get things done, and we’re active. We’re increasing in activity and arousal (stress).

Then we have another part of our nervous system called the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS), which is when our bodies are the opposite—more relaxed, grounded, slow, and deliberate. Imagine having a big Thanksgiving meal and feeling super groggy afterward because you’re in a food coma. That’s the parasympathetic kicking in.

Throughout a normal day, our nervous systems are supposed to be in this particular window (normal range) where there’s a smooth and easy flow between the Sympathetic Nervous System as we wake up in the morning, stay alert in the day, and then after 1 or 2 o’clock hits and you feel the crash coming where you need an extra cup of coffee. Then another burst of energy that slowly tapers off as we finish the work day, to return home, veg for a bit, then do something stimulating (watching TV, hanging out with friends) until it’s time to hit the sack.

On > Off > On > Off - a rhythm that repeats throughout the day in a smooth curve. That’s what’s supposed to help us stay present and connected, not in our reactive autopilots.

(Our Enneagram types reveal what our reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing are.)

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Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel

Nervous System Overload

Spikes between “Stuck On” and “Stuck Off”

We’re generally supposed to stay in the normal range. However, when we experience a very harsh situation, either a single, acute event or a chronic series of lower-grade events, it overloads our nervous system and we don’t know how to decompress or heal from that. That’s when we jump into the Un-Discharged Traumatic Stress System.

We can compare the sympathetic to parasympathetic flow of the normal range to how the event (or series of events) overload the system. There’s TOO MUCH STRESS going on and it’s not discharged, which means it’s stuck in our bodies and doesn’t know where to go.

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Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel

Some of us may switch into what’s called “STUCK ON” where our nervous systems are on hyperdrive. The sympathetic nervous system—which is the alert and activity part—kicks in really hard, where the person is spinning in anxiety, they’re trying to be really active and get onto tasks. These tend to be the folks who push themselves really hard, have a hard time settling, spin into being hypervigilant, are very irritable, have digestive issues, etc.

Then there are some of us who go down into the “STUCK OFF” position in our nervous system. The systems shut down. People get really slow and sluggish, they have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, they have a hard time focusing because it requires so much energy which they don’t feel like they have, there’s very low activity in the body, low blood pressure, etc.

Some of us might go to the “stuck on” where we go into hyperdrive too long, sometimes people stay in “stuck off” position too long where it’s hard to get ourselves to do anything, whereas some people oscillate between “stuck on” and “stuck off” while completely skipping over the normal range window.

Stuck ON/OFF and Reactive Autopilot

When our bodies are so overloaded, we can’t help but kick into our reactive modes. Our bodies are trying to cope, trying to survive, trying to get by, and early on in life, those habits were super useful. But when we’re adults, those patterns don’t work in the ways that they were intended anymore. Sometimes they generate problems, like being hyperfocused and hyperalert has been useful for some time, but sometimes a person might be really irritable in that place and then they get into a fight with their partner, and now there’s yet another thing they have to deal with. When you are within the normal range, you should recognize a sense of choices and options rather than default reactions.

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Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel

The goal is to find ways to come back within the normal range. When someone is “stuck on,” the goal is to try to find ways to down-regulate. If you have a hard time relaxing, it’s about finding ways to simplify things, do things deliberately more slowly, find ways to switch breathing zones (deep, belly breathing instead of the top chest, rapid breathing).

Find out ways you can take care of yourself, especially through this very stressful time with the pandemic. Not only are we experiencing very acute stressors that are very intense and out of nowhere, but we are also experiencing low-grade chronic, drawn-out stressors as well.

If you find yourself resonating with these experiences, you’re NOT ALONE and you’re NOT BROKEN. There’s nothing wrong with you, but it does mean that you’re HUMAN and your limits are actually good. It’s telling you now’s the time to limit all that you’re carrying and focus back on YOURSELF. To help you focus on the self and discover strategies to return to the normal range, check out my blogging series on self-care.

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The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

I want my First Aid Kit!

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Thank you!

Check your inbox for your copy of The BIG Feeler First Aid Kit!

---

© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Who is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?

Who are Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)?

I don’t know about you, but I have been told many, many times that I am just too damn sensitive because my mood changes very often, or I notice the slightest changes in lighting or notice lint on the ground, and I can’t “just get over it.” So I’m here to talk about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) trait, and I’ll describe the four main distinctive features of the HSP.

HSPs comprise 20% of the population. That’s a BIG amount of people. It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a problem. But a lot of the challenges that HSPs like myself face is that technically, we’re in the minority. We’re the minority in a country and a context that’s not very kind to minorities, so often HSPs feel very misunderstood. They feel judged and shamed because they don’t fit the mold for what the rest of the population tends to experience just fine.

D.O.E.S.: The 4 Traits of HSPs

The acronym D-O-E-S, these four letters correspond with the traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs. So they are:

• D is for DEPTH of processing.

• O is for OVERSTIMULATION

• E is for EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY and EMPATHY

• S is for SENSITIVITY to subtle stimuli

D: DEPTH of Processing

HSPs tend to take in a lot more quality and quantity of information from the world around them. Imagine a person being a blu-ray imaging in a DVD world. Compared to the vast majority of the population, HSPs take in far more stimuli like what’s happening, sensory information, emotional information.

Not only do they take in a lot more quality and quantity of data, but they also run that through a very fine sieve internally. They are very deliberate, very thoughtful, very reflective and it takes a while. Usually, you can’t just throw information at them; HSPs usually need some time away to process and digest everything. They’re not as speedy as some of the rest of y’all might want HSPs to be.

O: OVERSTIMULATION

Due to Depth of Processing, HSPs often get OVERSTIMULATED. Because of all the stimuli that’s taken in from the outside and all the churning that’s happening on the inside, HSPs get overwhelmed very easily. As a result, the nervous system tends to shut down more, causing HPSs to overwhelm easily. Their minds get very fogged, their eyes glaze over, they are very frazzled and irritable. This happens not necessarily because they are angry, but they are trying to take in and digest all the stuff their bodies have absorbed from around them.

To deal with this, HSPs may need to have some dedicated time in very low-stimuli environments—silence, solitude, and stillness. They need to get away from all the noise and all the people. For myself, after a long day, I need to take a good 10-15 minutes with the lights off, in my room, by myself, under a weighted blanket. It helps my body come back online. So if HSPs withdraw, it might not necessarily be because they don’t want to talk to you, it might be because they are overwhelmed.

E: EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY + EMPATHY

I mentioned HSPs take in a lot of outside information. Part of that information is around EMOTIONS. Because they notice subtleties in facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, they’re able to pick up on the emotional cues of other people. This is not something they do on purpose. It’s very reflexive; it happens without them knowing it. But because they are attuned to the emotional feelings of other people, they might feel feelings about other people’s emotions, not just because they might sense some of the pain they are experiencing, but because if they see an angry or grumpy expression in someone else, their own nervous system starts responding accordingly.

Not only that, HSPs tend to be very reflective internally, so they can even notice the nuances in their own emotional experiences. Sometimes HSPs can have feelings about their own feelings, so they may find themselves in an emotional feedback loop. They start looking internally, and the more they focus on the different nuances of emotions, they build up like a snowball. All this focus on the details starts amplifying themselves, which is why HSPs are often seen as being very sensitive or very emotional.

S: SENSITIVITY to Subtle Stimuli

If you think about the 5 senses — sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing — HSPs pick up on those really readily. This is a great thing in some instances, like they are very good with the arts or aesthetics because they have a dedicated focus on making sure things are in good harmony or aligned well. This can also backfire, like noticing the scratchy tags on the back of the shirt or being really bothered that a particular picture frame is out of alignment, etc. The sensitivity can be a double-edged sword.

Resources for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)

Remember the 4 traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs, D-O-E-S (Depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity and empathy, and sensitivity to subtle stimuli). If all these 4 things (to varying degrees) resonate with you, there’s a good chance you might be a Highly Sensitive Person. Again, this is not a diagnosis. And HSPs are also different from each other, so you’ll resonate with these things on a spectrum.

The reason it’s important for people to know whether or not they are HSPs is because the things that the rest of the world needs for themselves as non-HSPs don’t always apply to HSPs. Being an HSP in a non-HSP-dominant environment presents some very difficult circumstances. I live in the Silicon Valley in the United States, and there is a high emphasis on being the best or having things be bigger, better, louder, faster. Those are values that don’t often align with the HSP trait. So, if that same person were to live in Japan or another country that is very HSP-friendly, those people will be celebrated, whereas, in this environment, they might have a really hard time.

Find out what your specific needs are because they MATTER. It’s just because they are often misunderstood, it may take a little bit longer for you. If you’re interested in HSPs, you can check out my resource page for HSPs or pick up a copy of the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, which is a fantastic resource. She also wrote some books that specifically serve HSP children and being in love as an HSP or with an HSP.

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The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

I want my First Aid Kit!

Loading...

Thank you!

Check your inbox for your copy of The BIG Feeler First Aid Kit!

---

© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Juggling Too Many Balls? Which to Keep and Which to Drop

Two Hands, but Too Many Responsibilities

As a solopreneur private practice therapist, running my own business while redesigning my website, branding, and attending to other to-dos can be overwhelming. Having so much to juggle, I find myself confused about priorities and which tasks need my attention first.

LOTS of my clients have the same problem—so much to juggle! From working moms, single parents, full-time workers, ministry leaders, and more, attending to all of these responsibilities is HARD, especially for people who serve as the main pillars of their home and supporting the whole family. It can be so so easy to forget yourself in the midst of all the hurry.

Many of my clients are particularly susceptible to neglecting themselves when the responsibilities pile on. As mostly Enneagram Types 1, 2, 4, and 9, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), and caretakers, my clients have a tendency of attending to the needs of OTHERS before their own, until they hit burnout or build a lot of resentment.

Sound like you?

This brief mind exercise can help you assess all you have to juggle and quickly determine which items will break or bounce and which ones to drop altogether — giving you the tool to prioritize what matters most and tend to your own needs.

Juggling in a Crisis

In times of crisis, juggling responsibilities can be even harder. If you’ve been having a harder time managing everything during COVID-19, you are NOT alone. During the pandemic, we’ve encountered numerous changes to our daily lives, adding more balls for us to juggle. And the pandemic is NOT the only crisis.

A crisis can be any drastic change to stress levels, such as a death in the family, a new baby, loss of a job, putting more on your plate. When we encounter a crisis, we MUST switch gears on how we operate. We can’t keep running at the same speed while taking on more tasks and making more adjustments.

If you try to juggle all the balls, you WILL drop some (or most). Decide which ones you could afford to drop before the juggling decides FOR you.

Rubber, Glass, or Wood?

Imagine that you are a juggler handling lots of balls, where each ball reflects a particular task or responsibility. More and more balls get added to the act when you encounter a crisis. Some things that get added don’t matter as much, but since there is so much movement in the mix, you don’t notice exactly which ones hold less importance.

Discerning whether a ball is made of RUBBER, GLASS, or WOOD is key.

RUBBER BALLS

These are tasks or aspects that DO matter, but they have some resilience/sturdiness or are able to be outsourced. Even if you drop these, they’ll bounce back and be fine.

Example #1: your kids’ grades during the pandemic.

In normal times, you might help your kids with homework, sign them up for extra-curricular activities, etc., but during a crisis, academics may be less urgent. Their grades are STILL important, but there are ways to attend to them LATER; they can afford to wait.

When the dust settles with the pandemic, you can catch up on these needs through tutoring or remedial work.

Example #2: FINANCES

So many people I’ve worked with have built an emergency fund only to NOT use it, because they’re so used to minimizing their own struggles and downplaying their own needs.

Emergency funds are useless if you’re dead. If you feel like you’re DROWNING, perhaps NOW is precisely the time to tap into that! When you feel like you can BREATHE again, then replenish that rainy day fund.

Example #3: WORK

I work in the Silicon Valley with tons of people who put their careers center stage. I’ve seen people make huge sacrifices for their career goals and become miserable.

Work may SEEM like work is absolutely essential, but what good is making a lot of money if you can’t ever use it? WHY are you working? What are you working FOR?

Do check to see whether you’re pushing yourself so hard because you feel like there’s no other option. Panic brain is a TERRIBLE consultant in isolation (think “Fear” from Inside Out). Your industry or professional field may also have vested interests in telling you, “You better _____, OR ELSE.”

When your body shuts down from slaving away for 60+ hours a week and you’re lying on a hospital bed, don’t be surprised if your coworkers and boss (who are slaves themselves) don’t show up. Show up for the people in your life who will ALSO show up for YOU.

GLASS BALLS

Glass balls are tasks that really matter and will NOT bounce back if dropped; they are not resilient and sturdy, and they are irreplaceable. They might get scuffed up or scratched, sometimes cracking, other times shattering altogether.

It is extremely difficult (and costly) if not impossible to repair damaged glass balls. Best to never drop them at all.

Example #1: Your Health

You have ONE body, ONE brain, and ONE heart. Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. When any of these give out, you’re DONE.

Don’t think you’re saving money by not paying the copay for physical check-ups. You might miss the chance to do something about a condition that’s totally treatable early on, but that might become severe or terminal when left unaddressed.

(The same applies to your mental/emotional health, btw. The consequences of burnout, depression, or anxiety is MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE than therapy, y’all.)

Example #2: Your RELATIONSHIPS

No one ever PLANS on getting divorced when they get married. It HAPPENS because many signs were ignored. Statistically speaking, most couples reach out for couples therapy SEVEN YEARS TOO LATE. By the time they sit down on the therapist’s couch, their relationship is so far gone that it’ll take a miracle for them to work through all the pain, strain, and blame.

Don’t assume your loved ones will continue to give you a break when you cancel on them. Don’t make it so that NO ONE shows up while you’re lying on a hospital bed except to maybe ask you for the Netflix password.

WOOD BALLS

Rubber balls are important, but NOT urgent. Glass balls are BOTH important AND urgent. Wood balls are neither important NOR urgent. They’re just CLUTTER - things that got thrown into your juggle cycle because you couldn’t pay attention to what it was and didn’t screen for it.

Examples?

• Helping a friend gather signatures for a petition that doesn’t matter to you but you didn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying no.

• The third book club that you signed up for because you had FOMO.

• Responding to every single email to get the satisfaction of hitting email zero.

• Spending hours on Amazon because it’s Prime Day.

What do you do with wood balls? If you feel overwhelmed and frenetic, this is not the time to also juggle wood balls. DROP THEM. NOW.

When you feel rested and are able to move at a leisurely pace - that’s the time for you to (consider) playing with wood balls again.

DISTINGUISH THE THREE!

Take some time to discern what you’re juggling. Here’s a past blog to help prioritize tasks and some reflection questions.

• HOW MANY balls are you juggling right now? Write a list of all the things that you’re carrying.

• How many balls are RUBBER? (Which are resilient - can afford to take a hit and can bounce back)? (color: pink)

• How many balls are GLASS? (Which could be permanently impacted if dropped or are difficult to repair?) (color: blue)

• How many balls are WOOD? (Which don’t make a difference if you forget them?) (color: brown)

• What are some glass balls that fell to the floor and need to be repaired?

• Which rubber or wood balls SEEM like glass? Which can you drop NOW?

If you find that most/all of them seem like glass balls, decide which 3 things are absolutely essential - these are your glass balls. Treat the rest as if they’re rubber. If you carry too many grocery bags at once, you WILL drop them. So PICK which two bags to carry FIRST.

 

The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

I want my First Aid Kit!

Loading...

Thank you!

Check your inbox for your copy of The BIG Feeler First Aid Kit!

---

© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?

Radical Candor: Balancing Regard for Self and Others

Healthy Relationships Start with BALANCE

Buy on Amazon

Connection with others varies from person to person. Sometimes you give more to the relationship, sometimes you might give less. Sometimes the relationship exists without much contribution from either party.

But the strongest relationships form when BOTH you and the other person make room for BOTH of your needs & wants. One person is not inherently more important than the other.

What makes this reciprocity possible? The ability to clearly and directly advocate for yourself while considering the well-being of both yourself and the other — what Kim Scott calls “Radical Candor”.

In this book, Scott outlines the four types of relationships defined by the balance or imbalance of self and others.

The 4 Relationship Quadrants

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Kim Scott illustrates the four relationship types in an XY grid, where the X-axis represents care or regard for the self, and the Y-axis represents care or regard for others. When relationships have an imbalance of care for yourself or others, it can create relationships with conflict, resentment, shame, and inauthenticity. Learning which quadrants on the graph your relationships fall into can help you pinpoint areas to work on in order to achieve a balanced relationship that actively creates enough space for BOTH yourself and others.

Obnoxious Aggression

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This relationship type falls into the bottom-right quadrant, reflecting a relationship with high regard for the self and little regard for others.

Characteristics:

• Bully types or bossy.

• Steamroll through relationships.

• Don’t take feedback (e.g., disregard feedback or refuse to listen to feedback).

• Unnecessarily aggressive (e.g., seem to look for challenges or accidentally challenge others often).

• Rely on their power over others.

Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:

• Learn how to consider others/increase care for others. (E.g., practice reflecting on how others may interpret your words and tone. Will saying X hurt their feelings?)

• Directly ask for feedback and respond to it for course-correction. (E.g., invite others to give you feedback. “How could I have addressed this better?” Consciously listen and implement feedback.)

• Understand others are different from you. (E.g., not everyone has the ability to know their own needs as well as you do. Give people the space to understand theirs and feel safe to ask for your support.)

• Don’t expect others to act as you do. (E.g., a person may not be able to stand up for themselves as you can.)

Manipulative Insincerity

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This quadrant lies in the bottom left of the graph, depicting a relationship with regard for neither the self or others.

Characteristics:

• Gossipers.

• Show up in certain circles but do something else entirely different behind the scenes. (E.g., fulfills work roles adequately on the surface and disrupts working relationships with gossip amongst co-workers.)

• Very surprising or mysterious. (E.g., others usually can tell where these people stand and their insincerity is not a complete shock. You can probably think of a few people like this in your workplace or social circles right now.)

• Hard to read.

• Interacting with these people might tense up the body.

• Have a plastered/plastic smile with no “evidence” of what they are doing wrong. (E.g., appear friendly but inauthentic, and it is unclear why they appear inauthentic because there is no evidence of it.)

• Use power indirectly. (E.g., guilt-tripping, gossiping, making fun of others, challenging the character of others, dismissive, etc.)

Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:

• Learn how to be direct with communication. (E.g., avoid using indirect means of power like guilt-tripping and dismissiveness.)

• Learn how to state their own needs.

• Honor and respect the other person. (People are different from each other and each deserves respect.)

• Give information directly to avoid confusion or self-doubt from other parties. (E.g., instead of guilt-tripping a roommate to help with chores, tell them you need help maintaining the house upkeep.)

Ruinous Empathy

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This person falls into the top left quadrant, where a person gives too much emphasis to others and not enough to the self. Most of my clients fall into this quadrant.

Characteristics:

• Filled with guilt, anxiety, shame.

• Have an allergic reaction to anger/highly sensitive people.

• Overdo their empathy. (Empathy CAN be overdone and is not automatically a good thing.)

• Empathy goes too far and leaves no room for the self.

• On the surface, they are kind, serving, empathetic people, but this happens with an engine of shame behind the scenes. (E.g., shame may motivate a person to serve others because they feel like they are not enough.)

• Overly extending self to others leads to burnout easily and creates a shame spiral. (E.g., “I should be able to do better,” self-judgment for “selfishness.”)

• Can cultivate resentment when there is not enough time for oneself. (Resentment often shows up with guilt, and people may have a difficult time noticing and/or acknowledging this.)

Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:

• Must learn how to care for themselves as much as others. (This will feel selfish at first because you’ve been trained to center on others, but it is NOT selfish, it’s SELF-CARING. In order to deeply care for others well, you must care for yourself; otherwise, acts are tainted with resentment, guilt, and shame.)

• Practice anger. (Let yourself feel angry and hurt. These emotions are not selfish to have.)

• Practice self-care and self-compassion.

• Do things that at first trigger a sense of guilt and shame—this indicates you are going in the right direction. (E.g., be honest about your needs and explain to your loved ones when they do something that upsets you. This will trigger a sense of guilt/shame at first, but these are necessary steps for balancing your relationship and moving into radical candor.)

Radical Candor

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This is the ideal place for a relationship. In the top-right quadrant, this represents an equal balance between the self and others.

Characteristics:

• Able to create balance where you know others matter just as much as you do, and you matter just as much as others.

• Are able to speak up for their own needs.

• Speaking the truth kindly but directly.

• Intentionally addresses issues instead of skirting around problems.

Reaching Radical Candor

Moving into the quadrant of radical candor can be very difficult for some people. Being assertive about your own needs can be scary if you have trouble putting yourself out there or if you are scared of the negative reactions from others, but it is necessary work for strong relationships. When you consciously and directly address issues in the relationship or clearly communicate your needs, you give the other person a chance to repair and address these issues and needs. Waiting for others to fulfill needs and address issues that you skirt around or avoid speaking about lays the groundwork for an imbalanced relationship and resentment.

As you navigate your work and social life in the coming weeks, evaluate your relationships and see if you can identify which quadrant(s) you fall into. Is there a balance between yourself and others? From there, you can work towards achieving radical candor in your relationships.

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The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

I want my First Aid Kit!

Loading...

Thank you!

Check your inbox for your copy of The BIG Feeler First Aid Kit!

---

© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?

Connecting with Safe People

Prefer listening over reading? Watch my Instagram Live on Safe People!

What are Healthy Relationships?

Everyone has general traits of autopilot reactive patterns that they exhibit consistently over time, much like the traits you’ve identified in yourself using the Life Timeline in a past blog post.

Oftentimes, these traits can indicate whether a person is generally safe or unsafe. Unfortunately, not everyone is good to stay connected with for extended periods of time. It’s important for us to understand who we are making relationships with as we consider our own health and well-being.

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Healthy relationships involve there being enough space for BOTH parties to be themselves. Each person is unique and worthy; therefore, each person gets to have their own values, likes/dislikes, opinions, power, responsibility, and decisions.

It’s totally possible for two parties to DIFFER and have that NOT mean that the relationship is falling apart. DIFFERENCE ≠ DISCONNECTION. Unhealthy relationships say that there’s only space for ONE of you, not both. When that’s the case, each of you HAVE to be the same OR ELSE…

Instead, DIFFERENCE = DEEPER CONNECTION, because y’all are loving each other for who each of you actually are, rather than seeing the other as an extension of oneself.

The goal is to cultivate relationships where BOTH people matter, NOT just one OR the other. You matter JUST AS MUCH AS the other person, and vice versa.

What would it be like to have relationships like THAT?

Who are Safe People?

In their book, Safe People, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend help identify the general traits of people and categorizes those behaviors as “safe” or “unsafe.”

Here is a chart from their book:

View fullsize

The left column lists traits of an “unsafe person,” such as “defensive,” while the right column identifies “safe person” traits, like “open to feedback.” Each row corresponds with one another across columns, reflecting opposite traits.

Using the Safe People Chart

Read each row and consider these questions:

• What stands out the most?

• What emotional reactions do you have?

• Do some of these dynamics sound familiar? (e.g., do you found yourself surrounded by gossipers who are unsympathetic to others’ pain?)

• What kinds of bodily reactions occur around “unsafe” dynamics? (e.g., does your heart race? Do you fidget in these situations? This is your body trying to tell you something—listen to it!)

• Do any of these traits remind you of someone you know?

  • While thinking of someone as you go down the chart, check off traits that apply to them. Does the needle lean more towards a safe or unsafe person?

Using the Safe People Chart for Yourself

NOTE: The purpose of the Safe People Chart is NOT to judge someone, but rather to gauge who you may need to have more boundaries with or space from until they have done the work to become safer.

NO ONE on this planet is 100% safe or unsafe, you included. We all exist on the spectrum between those two extremes.

Also, NO ONE is 100% fixed on one side or the other, you included. Just as important it is for you to identify who in your life is generally safe(r) or less safe, it would be essential for you to grow in becoming a safer person for others.

When you scan the Safe Person Chart again with yourself in mind, what are some of your patterns that land in the “unsafe” column? Check them off with a marker. These are your growth areas.

In this way, the chart serves as a roadmap to finding areas where you can focus your self-development to become a safe person for others to connect with.

Looking for Patterns in Connections

Using the Safe People Chart can help audit your significant relationships (past, present, and future).

• What would you like to be different going forward in who you connect with?

• What are some signs in the other person to be on the lookout for?

• How would you yourself like to grow?

Recalibrating Your “Safe Meter”

Many of us have been trained to mistrust our emotions and body reactions to others’ unsafe traits. This is partially why you’d find patterns of unsafe traits in your relationships: since your body has become so accustomed to it, it has developed a blind spot to them.

Sometimes seeing on a chart can help us understand and validate the uncomfortable reactions we have when we connect with unsafe people.

For example, when your heart starts racing and you feel uncomfortable in a circle of gossipers, your body is trying to tell you something. It’s likely that the gossipers eliciting such a reaction point toward “unsafe” on the chart.

Rather than downplaying your reactions, upon seeing some traits appear on the unsafe list, you can recalibrate your “safe meter” to better catch certain signs going forward. Doing so will help you:

• Find and connect with safe people who ALSO care for you and

• Protect yourself when interacting with unsafe people.

---

The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Do your Feelings TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?

Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!

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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?

How Do I Find My Enneagram Type?

The Enneagram is a powerfully comprehensive yet compact resource that reveals the “autopilot” ways we experience and respond to life events. Let’s figure out how to find your Enneagram type!

These nine Enneagram types (named “Type 1” to “Type 9”) describe nine reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating. These personality types helped people navigate through life experiences, especially ones where we did indeed need coping because we were truly limited in ability, resources, and opportunity (e.g., our childhood).

As we physically grow, our autopilots don’t upgrade with us. This means that what used to help us cope can sometimes even cause problems because there is a MISMATCH between what’s actually happening and what our personalities perceive is happening.

Thus, becoming healthy involves working ourselves OUT of our reactive patterns, so that we can engage and respond to present situations for what they actually need, not just what we’re used to.

Since our coping patterns are designed to stay automatic and invisible, knowing exactly what our reflexes look like can help us catch ourselves in the (re)act(vity) and deliberately choose into wiser ways of being.

Knowing our own Enneagram type and subtype can expedite this process.

(If you want to know what the nine types are, check out this series!)

How to Identify Your Enneagram Type + Subtype

Here are the resources I actually use in my therapy/coaching sessions to help people find their type. These resources (podcast, Youtube, books) are by Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes, who are my Enneagram teachers and whose Professional Enneagram Certification Track I am currently going through.

(1) Listen to the Enneagram 2.0 podcast, Ep. 1

This episode is a general introduction of the nine Enneagram types.

Notice whichever types you have the strongest emotional/physical reaction to. Narrow down to the Top 2 types you most resonate with.

For example, I might resonate most strongly with Types 1 and 4.

(2) Listen to Ep. 4

The Enneagram type speaks to WHY people do what they do. Subtypes reveal WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and HOW we do the WHY.

This episode is an introduction of the 27 Enneagram subtypes that are formed when we combine the 9 types with 3 subversions: Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual.

Listen to all 27 subtypes, tuning more carefully into the Top 2 types you’ve narrowed before. Identify which subtype you most resonate with per Top 2 type.

For example, of Types 1 and 4, I resonate with:

• Type One: Social > Self-Preservation > Sexual

• Type Four: Self-Preservation > Social > Sexual

(3) Meet an Enneagram Professional to confirm your type and subtype

As an Enneagram Professional, I have been trained by Beatrice and Uranio to do a formalized typing interview process, which further explores the behind-the-scene motivations that go with what you naturally do without trying.

Normally the interview itself can be from 1-1.5 hours long, but if you’ve done Steps 1 and 2, we can shorten this process.

In this session, you can process:

• What your type/subtype means

• How it shows up in your life for better and for worse, and

• What you can do going forward with this information

NOTE: This step is completely optional. Some people prefer to just stick with the other steps because it's completely free; these sessions are according to my hourly rate.

The main downside with the DIY route is that sometimes it can be difficult sometimes to identify one's type for three reasons:

Lookalikes

• Lookalike subtypes may do the same behaviors but for different reasons.

• For example, the Self-Pres Four may look like Ones, Twos, Threes, Fives, Sixes, Sevens, or Nines depending on what the other instincts are.

• It took me a year and a half to realize that this is my type!! It would have taken me longer if I didn’t know about subtypes.

Countertypes

• One of the 3 subtypes is known as a "countertype", which operates in the OPPOSITE direction of how a type generally is. The growth steps typically recommended to each type goes the OPPOSITE direction for the countertype.

• As a Self-Pres Four, I’m supposed to practice being MORE emotionally expressive, not less (as would be the case for Social and Sexual Fours).

• Most Enneagram enthusiasts aren't familiar with the subtype system because it's relatively new in Enneagram literature.

Societal norms and pressures

• Many people may THINK that they’re a certain type because of stereotypes or cultural expectations.

• For example, many (Christian, POC) women may FEEL that they’re a Type 2 because of how Twos are often described (caring, compassionate, emotional) to find out that they’re in fact Social Eights or Self-Preservation Sixes.

The typing interview may be of benefit to those who prefer having someone walk through the typing process with them and/or those who are unsure of certain dynamics. If you’re pretty sure from Steps 1 and 2 what your type/subtype is, you may carry on to Steps 4-6.

(4) Read the Ultimate PDF Guides for your Top 2 choices for type.

These guides, developed by Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy, offer quick yet detailed information on each type, including key traits, common behavior patterns, and each of the 3 subtypes per type.

• Type 1

• Type 2

• Type 3

• Type 4

• Type 5

• Type 6

• Type 7

• Type 8

• Type 9

(5) WATCH the Youtube Enneagram Panel with Beatrice Chestnut

On each panel, you’ll hear from individuals who resonate with each subtype so you can learn more of what the type looks like, sounds like, and feels like from the inside. You will better notice the differences between each subtype.

This is especially important for people who resonate with Types 4 and 6, because the variation between those subtypes are SO GREAT that the subtypes may as well be their own distinct types. Similar motivations, but VERY different expressions.

(6) Get a copy of Beatrice Chestnut's books

*I may benefit from the Amazon links below. You may also search on Amazon yourself!

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(7) BOOK an ENNEAGRAM therapy or coaching session

Because of the nature of our autopilots, we might KNOW what we do and even WHY, but still feel helpless to DO anything about it. Working with an Enneagram professional (especially ones trained by Beatrice and Uranio) may help you more effectively break through rigid patterns because you’re better able to:

• See what your patterns look like as you’re autopiloting

• Catch yourself during or not long after you’ve reacted, and

• Shift course to how you’d LIKE to respond (if you haven’t reacted already) or repair (if you have) ruptured situations or relationships

Check out the blog series on the different Enneagram types:

• Type 1 - Josh Chan

• Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT

• Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT

• Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT

• Type 5 - Alyssa Harris

• Type 6 - Jonathan Siu

• Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez

• Type 8 - Marianna Torres

• Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT

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What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this Resonate?

Reducing Stress with the React or Respond Chart

Autopiloting in Stress

Think about the most recent time you reacted in ways that made things worse.

• You got chewed out by your boss at work, came back home agitated, and kicked the dog who bit you back.

• You feel overwhelmed and anxious about that big project, yet you find yourself putting it off and beating yourself up about it.

• Even though you feel lonely, you have a hard time reaching out to others because you don’t want to burden anyone. So you Netflix binge to numb your feelings, to feel even worse afterward.

Sound familiar?

When our stress levels get past a certain point, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain behind our forehead that makes wise, sound decisions to help us function in life) actually shuts down. In this space, we are more likely to make reactive decisions that often make things worse, not better. Best intentions won’t play out the way we want until we can soothe our nervous system, reduce our stress levels, and turn the prefrontal cortex back online.

When we’re not aware of how we’re doing, we are likely to react and self-destruct because our stress compounds. When we are aware of how we’re doing, we’re more equipped to respond and do self-care that actually reduces stress. Writing out our usual dynamics on paper usually makes it easier for us to notice these patterns in the future, giving us a chance to shift out of reactive habits that usually get us into trouble.

When we are in different states of stress, we tend to exhibit familiar patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Sometimes we might not realize how stressed we are until we see some of these signs.

Prepare for war during times of peace, not times of war! Plan ahead what you can do to take care of yourself while your prefrontal cortex is active, because when stress levels strike, you’re not going to be able to do that effectively.

The React or Respond Chart is a tool to learn more about your autopilot habits and to preplan some self-care steps. Consider this a cheat sheet for you to refer to when you notice you’re becoming more stressed.

How to Use the React or Respond Chart to Reduce Stress

View fullsize

If I were a fly on the wall observing you in your natural habitat, what are some things I’d see you doing? How would I be able to tell how stressed or relaxed you are?

In this chart, there are three rows (Safe Zone, At-Risk Zone, Danger Zone) and four columns (Behaviors, Emotions, Cognitions, and Self-care/Safety Plan).

The numbers on the left indicates your stress level on a scale of 1 (low stress) to 10 (high stress). Each row describes what you tend to do (Behaviors), feel (Emotions), and think (Cognitions), along with some ways you can take care of yourself (Self-care/Safety Plan) to reduce your stress levels in the corresponding stress “zone” you’re in.

• Safe Zone (stress level 1-4) - when you’re the most relaxed, grounded, rested, and energized

• At-Risk Zone (stress level 5-7)- when you’re doing well enough to function, but if a few more stressful things happen, it may knock you off balance and tip you over into the red

• Danger Zone (stress level 8-10)- when you’re really not doing well and you’re having strong reactions that make things worse for yourself and/or others

Fill this chart in from the bottom up (Safe Zone to Danger Zone) through each of these dimensions of yourself:

• Behaviors - What might a fly on the wall see you doing?

• Emotions - What do you tend to feel? (Think MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB if you need a starting point)

• Cognitions - What do you tend to think about yourself? Others? Life? The world?

• Self-care/Safety Plan - What are some activities or exercises you can do to reduce your stress and help you soothe?

*It’s TOTALLY okay if you are having a hard time completing this chart. You might ask someone who knows you well and with whom you feel comfortable to fill this out with you.

Here are some examples:

Safe Zone (stress levels 1-4)

• Behaviors - socializing a lot, singing while doing chores, playing music, yoga, hammocking

• Emotions - peaceful, excited, energized

• Cognitions - I am safe, I know how to do this, others care about me

• Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to keep you in the green) - calling a friend to let them know how I’m doing, eating healthily, reading books, find a hobby, meeting with a therapist or life coach routinely to continuously grow

At-Risk Zone (stress levels 5-7)

• Behaviors - keeping to myself, spending more time alone, snapping at others, Netflix binging, tunnel visioned, take things personally, overworking

• Emotions - tense, irritable, overwhelmed, rushed

• Cognitions - Why do I always have to do things by myself? Others can’t be trusted, or I don’t know how to do this.

• Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to get you back down to the green) - taking a vacation, asking others for help, delegating tasks, working out, put limits on what to focus on, don’t start new projects, meeting with a therapist to learn self-care and stress management skills

Danger zone (stress levels 8-10)

• Behaviors - drinking to numb out, trouble sleeping (too much/too little/inconsistent), isolating and not talking to anyone, not going to work, stuck in bed for days at a time, causing fights with loved ones

• Emotions - shut down, rage, depressed, hopeless

• Cognitions - I hate myself, I hate life, No one’s going to miss me anyway, Things will always be like this, I can never get anything right

• Self-care/Safety Plan (how to reduce stress ASAP) - schedule an appointment with a doctor or therapist, call someone you feel most safe with and ask for help in deciding what you need to do next

Reducing Stress: Self-Care & Safety Plan

Whereas the first three columns of Behaviors, Emotions, and Thoughts are what you naturally tend to do without trying, the last column of Self-care/Safety Plan involves things that you would do on purpose. This is where you can identify hobbies or things you gravitate to, such as doing jigsaw puzzles, gardening, playing music, or reaching out to a friend. Self-care is a little different from behavior in that this is meant to keep you in the safe zone (grounded and more energized).

Often when stress levels tend to rise, our hobbies are usually the first things to go, even though they’re precisely what we need SO THAT we can keep our stress levels low. Make sure the activities listed in this box are very simple, concrete, easy things that you can do or start doing within 3 minutes. The more abstract or less defined these activities are, the less likely you’ll actually do them when you need to.

If you’re feeling stuck on this part, talk to a friend or a therapist who can help come up with ideas of things you can realistically do.

When you’ve filled out the chart, make 2-3 copies. Post one copy where you see it often (e.g., the fridge, on your work desk, on your nightstand) and give a copy to someone who can refer to this to care for you well (e.g., partner, close friend, family member, therapist).

What’s Your Baseline?

Based on what you’ve written in the chart, on the 10-point stress scale, what seems to be your baseline stress level nowadays? Do you find yourself around a 6 or 7, teetering the edge of the Danger Zone? Or close to a 4 or 5 where you can readily scoot down into Safe Zone?

Circle that baseline number, and set an intention of lowering that over the course of the next month, either with the help of a loved one, self-development books or podcasts, or therapy.

---

The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

I want my First Aid Kit!

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---

© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?

How to Help a Loved One Ground: Sensory Recall

In a previous post, I shared a technique called Top 2/Bottom 2 to help you manage your own stress using the five senses. In this post, I share an easy step-by-step tip on how to help someone else ground when they’re feeling overwhelmed with strong emotions using sensory recall.

Sensory Recall: Using the 5 Senses

When your loved one is experiencing high stress, it can be easy for them to get lost in their emotions, lose connection with what’s happening in the here-and-now, and become increasingly reactive. The exercise described below can help someone reconnect with what’s happening in the present, away from what their emotions are often mistakenly interpreting them to be.

NOTE: This exercise is NOT meant to imply that what a person is feeling is bad and that the emotion must therefore be pushed away. Our emotions are really important in revealing what legitimate needs we have, but when they’re so loud that our ability to sort through them is overloaded, it’s sometimes better to decrease the volume first. Exercises like the one below can help turn back on the part of the other person’s brain that helps with their processing. 

Note the 5 senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste. 

Ask your loved one: “What is…”

After sensory recall, say:

1. Close your eyes. 

2. Take a deep breath, notice where you are physically in this moment. 

3. Place your hand over your heart.

4. Repeat after me: “Right now, in this moment, I am okay.”

This is one of many ways to help our loved ones ground their bodies from a state of panic to one of calmness. It is not a cure-all approach, since it does require for there to already have been enough rapport and connection between you two. If the other person doesn’t seem to respond well to this (for example, because they feel you’re trying to dismiss their emotions), here is another approach: How to Be a Rabbit.

---

The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

I want my First Aid Kit!

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Thank you!

Check your inbox for your copy of The BIG Feeler First Aid Kit!

---

© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:

(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?

---

Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!

Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.

How to Ground in Uncertain Times

Feeling Like You’re drowning in stress?

The COVID-19 global pandemic released a tsunami of changes throughout all levels of society. With the uncertainties that have been stirred up, to say that people are anxious is a severe understatement, and learning how to ground is a remedy for that.

So many people are:

• Concerned about their own and their loved ones’ health

• Worried about employment and income 

• Trying to figure out how to pay the bills and keep food on the table

• Trying to prevent anyone in the family from killing each other

• Trying to figure out how to just get by each day, let alone be productive or creative

• Feeling deep shame from seeing others carry on with so much ease and fun 

• Feeling trapped and alone 

• Feeling grief and despair

If people have already suffered from depression, anxiety, and strained relationships before all of this, they may be feeling that they’re even more underwater during these times. 

If you’re feeling inundated with overwhelming information and emotions, and numbness is the only way to keep sane during these times, grounding techniques can regulate your nervous system and help you stay in the present and focused to do whatever you need to do. Here is one of those techniques. 

How to Ground:
Top 2, Bottom 2 +
The 5 Senses Method

Our thoughts and emotions can be everywhere and be about everything. Our bodies, however, can only be at one place at one time. Use your physical body to anchor yourself to the present. 

What are Your Top 2/Bottom 2 Senses?

• Check in with how you are with each of the five senses: sight, touch, hearing, taste, and smell. 

• Which are your Top 2 senses that you are MOST connected with and feel most readily stimulated/soothed? (Which senses do you feel the most bothered and/or comforted by?) 

• Which are your Bottom 2 senses that you are LEAST connected with and that takes the most effort to notice? (Which senses do you forget the most easily?)

USE YOUR TOP 2 TO GROUND:

• Survey your living environment with your Top 2 senses in mind. What stands out to you, for better and for worse?

• What objects aggravate you that you could replace with something that’s soothing?

• How can you reduce what bothers you and increases what comforts you?
  (This could also be abstract - for example, scheduling some face-to-face interactions at the end of the day may give your body some relief by offering something pleasant to look forward to.)

• Check the table below for some specific examples per sense.

Now that a more grounding environment has been created, focus on the Bottom 2 senses that you tend to not notice as often.

Use Your Bottom 2 to Ground: 

• Distraction is not always a bad thing! Intentionally distracting yourself when you feel overstimulated is a useful self-care skill.

• Check the table below for some specific exercises to do to give your brain something else to focus on.

View fullsize

Looking to help your loved ones how to ground? Check out my next post.

---

The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

I want my First Aid Kit!

Loading...

Thank you!

Check your inbox for your copy of The BIG Feeler First Aid Kit!

---

© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?

---

Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!

Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.

Living Wholehearted: Emotions Help Us Thrive

Me, Age 12.

Queen of RBF (Resting Bitch Face)

"You look pissed."

"Stop pouting."

"Why are you souring the mood? We were having such a good time.

I was born into an immigrant family from a motherland culture who didn't do feelings well. Emotions were avoided, shunned, and buried underground, where they went into the blackmarket and reemerged in not-so-great ways. Tons of people around me labored endlessly, in school or work or church. They plastered happy faces in public and came home to stress and misery. This is how life was supposed to be...apparently. Back then, I didn't know how emotions help us thrive.

Three Cardinal Rules of Shamedom

There are three messages that govern families and organizations where addiction, abuse, and dysfunction run rampant:

• Don't talk.
• Don't trust.
• Don't feel.

Those who grow up in such contexts develop distorted views of themselves, others, and life that in turn influence their decisions, leading to painful experiences that then reinforce those messages. This creates a perpetuating cycle of SHAME.

Without appropriate ways to attend to pain or people to offer care, individuals turn to addictive substances or activities (including overworking, overeating, overexercising, over-anything) that are meant to reduce pain and/or enhance pleasure but end up doing neither. Rather, these very things further drive people into isolation to drown in their chaotic emotions. Such was the case for me.

Suppression, Isolation, & Restlessness,
NOT Silence, Solitude, & Stillness

I was born a deep feeler into a context where feelings weren't welcome. I had been told most of my life that I'm "too sensitive", "too emotional", or "too negative"...as if I was trying to be that way on purpose. I've been taught that our mind and our will are more important than our emotions: we're supposed to push aside what we're feeling and THINK "correctly" and DO "rightly". Mind and Will OVER Emotions.

Without a safe place to go, I dove headlong into things I felt I was good at and had more control over: academics, work, and ministry (with some video gaming and fantasizing on the side).

I kept things stuffed for as long as I could until I just couldn't. My emotions were just bottled up within me, amplifying themselves and becoming messier, nearly impossible to handle, and leaking out everywhere.

Years of depression and anxiety ensued, with strained relationships trailing behind. I didn't know how to smile, even if I tried.

Putting Pieces Together

It was after college that I started going to therapy. All my life, I felt like there was something wrong with me, because I knew deeply how messed up I was inside when everyone else seemed fine (HELLO SHAME). Through these sessions, I learned that, most likely, I'm actually in the vast majority: MOST people don't know how to do feelings and think that others are doing better. When everyone does that, everyone is stuck in isolation and shame. LOSE-LOSE-LOSE.

It's been over a decade since I began this journey of healing and growing. I've learned a lot about how essential emotions are for our personal well-being, our relationships, and life in general. Emotions help us THRIVE and I had no idea.

Becoming Whole and Living Wholehearted

In my personal journey of becoming more whole and my professional track of becoming a therapist myself, I've learned about emotional health, relationships, and neurobiology. There are two resources that I've found useful:

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• The Enneagram, a personality framework that reveals our reactive modes of thinking, feeling, and doing

• Brainspotting, a type of body-based trauma therapy that reboots our natural ability to soothe our body’s reactivity

These two things have taught me just how much our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies are interconnected, NOT mutually exclusive or hierarchical. These aspects of us go hand in hand (or hand -’n-heart-’n-head), so it would be wise to consider and address them as such.

How do you become healthy and whole? You attend to ALL aspects of yourself: mind, will, AND emotions.

Me, Age Grown Up and Glown Up

If you’re finding that you’re having trouble knowing what to do with your emotions (which, by the way, includes numbness), perhaps a professional can help you with that. I specifically help people who struggle with painful relationships and the “difficult” emotions of anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create vibrant connections.

Talk, Trust, Feel.

In a world where stress seems the norm and pain begets more pain, let’s REVERSE the Three Cardinal Rules of Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.

Let us all become wholesome, integrated, connected people who makes decisions from wisdom, not reactivity. Let us together make this world spin for the better.

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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?