I wanted to share a little bit about some of the things that stood out to me personally at the Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy's Retreat . You can watch the video below or keep scrolling to read the transcript.
My Inner Pendulum
As someone who's recently taken on the practice of yoga, whenever I sit cross legged on the floor, I visualize a pendulum that's inside of my heart. There's something about sitting upright and very still, quieting my self, my thoughts, my heart. It feels like the pendulum is very still, centered.
I was wondering why that imagery stood out to me. I am now realizing that it's because, as a Four, having a very internal turbulence and lots of moving thoughts and feelings and basically being everywhere else except where I am. That's the passion of envy.
My pendulum, on the inside, is always constantly moving. Shifting. Never quite still. Always seeking what's on the other side.
As we all do, we put outside what we feel on the inside. I realized that the vast majority of my life I've been living as if I'm this swinging pendulum, always on the extremes never settled, never steady.
So at this retreat this visual came up to me again.
Slow & Leisurely
Being at a very beautiful retreat center, I'm surrounded by trees and quiet, I decided to be very intentional and deliberate about moving. Like literally moving my body very slowly. So, when going on strolls around I imagined myself moving through molasses in a very steady and slow way, as if time was slowing down.
There's something that happened inside of me where I felt that pendulum being very still and I'm moving so slowly so that the pendulum stays centered and grounded and that felt so freaking good. To be very steady and still and quiet, not constantly on this chase.
In previous retreats I knew what I want to work on. I knew what I want to get out of it. I knew the things that I wanted to jump right into. Let's go, let's make it happen!
And this time around it was more like I don't have any particular thing that's stirring up inside of me, there isn't any particular thing I want to work on. That's not to say that I don't have things to work on, but in that moment, it felt as if I deeply feel okay and content where I am, as I am.
And I gotta say, that is not the typical experience that is attributed to Fours. That's how I knew that this was from outside of myself. It's not anything that I was particularly trying to conjure up. But maybe built on the foundation of all the work that I've done in prior years. Like maybe I am ready to be very present and centered.
Floating, Unanchored
The Type Four experience is like someone who is floating out into the middle of the ocean, and they have no idea which direction is which. Sometimes they go underwater. Sometimes they're above water. It's a lot of feeling lost or disoriented. Unanchored.
Another imagery coming up is like someone who's floating out in space. There's no up or down, left or right, and their tether or umbilical cord is severed. I think that's kind of what describes a lot of the Four experiences. Feeling very aimless, lost, constantly confused and disoriented. Not really feeling tethered or connected to anything and so constantly having this sense of needing to reconnect or to find that supposed connection that was lost.
I feel like I'm in a very different place right now. Or maybe a more accurate way of saying it is I feel like I have access to a different place.
What’s next?
I don't know yet if this is here to stay. If this is going to be the new baseline. But honestly, I never really thought that I could ever be here before. I always thought that I would be constantly needing to be on the chase for something outside.
I'm sharing this with you partially as a way for y'all to get to know me. A lot of people get the impression that I have all my shit together because of the work that I do or the things that people see on my website or my blogs or Instagram or whatnot. A lot of that has been out of a sense of this Self-Preservation Four like, "Let's go, let's get things done, let's make things happen!"
Seemingly effortless, but really striving
I've realized over the years that I've accidentally created this image for other people, especially those who are in the same industries, that I do things very effortlessly. That things come very easily and very naturally to me. Half the time when I do coaching calls with other fours they are like, “I don't know how you do what you do. It seems so polished and put together.” Internally I'm thinking, if only you knew just how much work I put into it.
I don't know what will come up in what I create as I choose into this state of being steady and connected. I'm hoping that a lot of the frenetic energy and this sense of, I better hurry up and do this or else. That state, I hope it will settle down a lot more.
What that means as to what all of y'all would be hearing from me, there's a possibility that I might change the pace, or the direction or, I don't know.
I don't have a whole lot of particular strategies or anything of what I want to write for y'all, but something in me tells me that maybe this is the direction to go in allowing myself to show up like this more often. Being a fellow traveler with you in your own journey, in your own growth process.
I have to share a lot more with you regarding different aspects of the Enneagram, and I don't want to share these things with you as someone who is like above or anything. Or set apart as if I've like mastered anything. It's more like here are some things that I've come across along the way in the ways that I've connected with this deeper truth.
And I hope that some things really resonate with you and call you towards whatever is your next step.
If you’re thinking about going to one of these Enneagram retreats for your own personal growth, here’s a blog about 5 ways the CP Enneagram Retreats can supercharge your growth.
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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!