Your Family Tree Tapestry has Texture
Have you’ve ever looked at your family members and thought,
“How the hell are we even related?!”
If so, you’re not alone, and there’s a whole picture that show us how the pieces fit together.
Introducing the Genogram.
A genogram is like your family tree’s emotionally intelligent cousin that give us a whole lot more information than just the names of each member.
It gives us the structure, the who’s-who, the space between individuals, and the major plot points of our family stories across generations.
Here’s an example from the show FRIENDS, centered around Ross Geller (read the blog):
At a glance, you can literally see generational patterns, roles, expectations, ripple effects of traumas, and emotional legacies.
The genogram also maps out not just people, but also patterns — conflict, closeness, trauma, cutoffs, alliances, enmeshments, and triangulations — the nature of the relationship between members of the family.
Because we’re also seeing the bird’s eye view at a glance, LACK of information is also information — for example, if there’s a ton about your mom’s side about the family but nothing about your dad’s side, this is not nothing.
Why the lack of details? Is it emotional cutoff or estrangement? Is it that your dad doesn’t have a connection with his family or that you don’t have a relationship with him?
What’s NOT present is just as informational as what is.
The Genogram reveals a ton already. But when you also throw in the Enneagram?
That’s when things get real juicy. It’s switching from black-and-white to full color, or from outline sketch to textured tapestry — so many more dimensions are evident at a glance, just by adding a few more letters.
Birth order and gender (a la genogram) matter, but they don’t guarantee certain experiences.
Each person’s own personality (a la Enneagram) play a HUGE role in how each actually interpret and react to various experiences.
This is especially evident for identical twins. (Think of Phoebe & Ursula from FRIENDS: everything is the same except for personality — and see how drastically contrasted their relationship patterns & life trajectories are!)
Personality is in the Enneagram’s wheelhouse, zhuzhing up the genogram without taking up much space on the page.
(Here are blogs about the 9 Enneagram types, 3 instincts, & 27 subtypes.)
Enter the Bridgertons: Family Roles, Public Reputations, and Internalized Responsibilities
In this blog, we’re diving into how the Enneagram reveals the emotional fabric of family dynamics — and what better example than the drama-laden, emotionally dynamic world of the Bridgertons, where we meet the picture-perfect family of 8 children, 1 widowed mama, 1 GINORMOUS estate, and WAY more expectations than anyone knows what to do with.
SPOILER ALERT: This blog covers content up to the beginning of Season 3 in the Netflix adaptation. You have been warned!
We’ll be zooming in on three characters in particular,
Daphne (Enneagram 2, SX/SO)
Anthony (Enneagram 1, SX/SO)
Violet (Enneagram 2, SO/SX)
…exploring how each of them:
Engage life in alignment with their Enneagram type
Occupy specific roles in the family (context matters!!)
Could benefit from some serious therapy to heal their relationships, especially with themselves.
Here’s the the Bridgerton Family Tree:
In the eyes of the Ton, the Bridgertons are a loving family that screams unity, perfection, & class.
But behind the scenes?
Anxiety. Pressure. Comparison. Loneliness. Burnout. Grief. Resentment.
…and roles so entrenched that they’re practically titles in and of themselves:
The Matriarch/Puppet Master (Violet)
The Third Parent (Anthony)
The Failure-to-Launch Backup (Benedict)
The Carefree Kid (Colin)
The Golden Child (Daphne)
The Rebel/Black Sheep (Eloise)
The Recluse (Francesca)
The Twins/Babies (Gregory & Hyacinth)
Here’s what the Bridgerton’s genogram looks like, and how much more info it has than their family tree, especially in the space between members:
No One’s Patterns Exist in a Vacuum
…but within a very specific social context. These roles (influenced by birth order, personality, gender roles/expectations, medical needs, trauma, etc.) reinforce each other — namely, they come as a set, fulfilling very specific emotional roles for the collective/family.
Hence, anytime there’s an addition or removal of one member (e.g., through birth, death, marriage, moves, or physical/mental health issues), the equilibrium is shaken up so that the roles may be redistributed according to who’s left. (If the Peacemaker in the family marries off and moves away, who’s going to fill that gap next?)
Each Bridgerton already had a personality leaning for certain family roles, but these roles became deeply established & entrenched especially after one major traumatic family event: the sudden death of Edmund Bridgerton, beloved husband, father, and 8th Viscount.
The Original Crisis that Solidified Family Roles
An idyllic father-son bonding time ended in a very traumatic, tragic, and disorienting shakeup for the whole family for years to come.
Watch the moment that knocked down the first domino:
Everyone in the Bridgerton family felt the gaping hole Edmund left behind.
But the tragic event’s impact is most evident in three key members who form the major family triangle:
Daphne (Enneagram 2, SX/SO)
Anthony (Enneagram 1, SX/SO)
Violet (Enneagram 2, SO/SX)
Here’s the simplified genogram that reveals this triangle (green):
Let’s set the scene & characters, shall we?
Daphne vs. Anthony:
Same Stimulus, Different Response
Birth order & gender experiences matter, but Enneagram personality (which we’re born with) matters even more in influencing how each interprets & responds to the same event.
Even if Anthony had been the second or third child, he would have still somehow become a pillar in the family because of his Enneagram type.
The direction a domino is set (NATURE) influences which way it’ll fall upon impact (NURTURE): same objective event, different subjective reactions.
Let’s first zoom in on the eldest daugther & son to see how this plays out, starting with Daphne (bc let’s be forreal — Daphne is likely to reach out to therapy long before Anthony does).
The Flawless Golden Child:
Daphne Bridgerton
(Enneagram 2, Sexual/Social)
Poised, pretty, & practically perfect. “The Diamond of the Season” whom everyone sets as the golden standard — especially the next-in-line daughter Eloise, who considers herself a disappointment in Daphne’s shadow.
But unlike with Eloise (what we see is what we get), there’s much more happening behind the scenes with Daphne.
Behind Daphne’s halo? We find a spicy, masterful relationship engineer who skillfully shapeshifts into becoming the ultimate object of desire & envy (different spices to make herself appealing to different palates).
All Enneagram 2s (the Befriender) focus so much of their attention towards others (and away from their own inner world), intuitively sensing what makes people tick or turned on & deftly molding their relationships to their liking.
Compared to many other Enneagram types, Type Twos tend to be more romantic and idealistic, in pursuit of a love match (much like the one that Daphne’s parents enjoyed) as if that’s the #1 most important thing in life.
More specifically, Daphne is an Enneagram 2 SX/SO, meaning she has:
a dominant Sexual (SX) instinct
a secondary Social (SO) instinct
a repressed Self-Preservation (SP) instinct
(Here’s more about the Enneagram instincts & subtypes.)
Here’s how this subtype shows up, compared to her mother Violet (also Enneagram 2, but different instinct sequence. More on Violet later!).
Dominant Sexual (SX) Instinct
As is the case for all Twos, Daphne's core need is to be loved, chosen, and indispensable. With her strong Sexual (SX) instinct in first place, her focus hones in on one meaningful, intimate, INTENSE connection (Hello, Simon!).
2 SXs are known to be the Queen (vs. 2 SO — the Empress, 2 SP — the Princess) who use their physical beauty, body language, and emotional dynamism to find and attract (*cough — seduce) their partner of choice.
Here’s an example of Daphne utilizing her wiles and to get the freakin’ Prince to KNEEL (Also to passive aggressively get back at Simon):
Among all the Bridgerton children, Anthony & Daphne share a particularly close bond, partly because of their positions as the Eldest son & daughter, but also because they both have a dominant Sexual instinct, which is focused on intense, 1:1 attachment with special individuals — partners, best friends, parents, kids, etc. (The SX isn’t always about sex. “Special” is the key word.)
A & D just GET each other, no words necessary. This is also why both of them form 2 corners of the triangle, their mother Violet being the third.
(Triangles (or triangulation) are the go-to relationship dynamic for those who have a loud SX instinct. More to come on this later.)
Second Social (SO) Instinct
In addition to being very vivacious & energetically dynamic, Daphne’s Social instinct prompts her to uphold a specific image, not just in the eyes of that one special person, but also in the collective: the Diamond of the Season for the Ton and the Perfect Daughter/Golden Child for her family.
Similar to the eldest son Anthony (Enneagram 1 SX/SO), Daphne is very aware of her position in the family as the eldest daughter and crown jewel of the Bridgerton household, seeking a suitable marriage match in order to:
Alleviate the pressure on her dear brother Anthony’s shoulders
Please her Mama
Set a good example for her younger siblings
Secure her family’s position in society
(Ultimately, the winning factor for her marriage is the SX value of love & romance, not particularly the SO value of duty & responsibility — that Simon is a Duke is a happy bonus, but not really the point.)
Like her mother Violet (2 SO/SX), Daphne is also a master image manager and relationship architect (i.e., meddling), but the latter isn’t as prevalent and extensive as it is for her Social-dominant mother.
Repressed Self-Preservation (SP) Instinct
Unlike Edwina Sharma (Enneagram 2 SP/SX), who takes on a very cutesy, childlike posture and is overly generous with flattery (Princess vs. Queen), Daphne is more spicy and ready to bite back at those (special) individuals who look down on her or consider her fragile (i.e., Anthony & Simon).
Her fiery Type 2 Pride + the lack of Self-Preservation guardrails leads Daphne to even LITERALLY jump into a duel (yes, with guns!!) meant to preserve her honor (because dumbass Anthony & Simon thinks she’s a helpless damsel in distress and that they’re each the valiant hero 🙄🤬).
Enneagram 2 Identity Crisis:
Who Am I Now?
At the end of Season 1, Daphne becomes the family’s “success story,” the one who captures the Queen & the Ton’s attention, gets married first (to a freakin’ DUKE!), makes her Mama proud, and follows the rules…(mostly).
Even though she successfully snagged herself a titled husband by marrying Simon (4 SX/SP) in a very dramatic & emotionally turbulent way (typical for Enneagram 2 & 4 relationships), in Season 2, Daphne is confronted with a brand new problem never faced before:
Now that she accomplished her family role, who is she now?
Who is she when she’s no longer needed or in the spotlight in society?
Now that she “won/conquered” Simon already and he’s focused on his business, who is she in his eyes?
Daphne built her whole identity around being desired. Wanted. Cherished. All for the sake of attaining love.
Turns out, being a wife or mother or a shiny success story doesn’t actually guarantee the feeling of love or intimacy. Though she always had this hole inside her, it’s more obvious now that she’s accomplished her Enneagram type-informed life mission.
After getting married & having a child (the first grandchild), Daphne switched gears away from the SX/1:1 focus and towards the SO/collective focus by trying to make herself indispensable in OTHER people’s lives.
Following in her mother 2 SO/SX Violet’s footsteps, Daphne injected herself into her dear brother Anthony’s love life, vetting Edwina for him (even though he never asked either of them for help) and trying to get him to pay attention to his REPRESSED AF feelings for Kate.
Mission accomplished? Yes. Anthony also gets hitched to the love of his life, making his Mama & sister’s hearts purr with delight.
…But NOW WHAT? What happens with Daphne now that Anthony too is wed? What’s her place now? Just go down the list of all the siblings that she’s not that close with? Or go back home and lean into motherhood, pining for Simon to return home from his business ventures?
Who is Daphne REALLY? *Cue existential identity struggle.
At the end of this blog, we’ll go into what Daphne might reach out to a therapist for. (Click here if you wanna fast forward to that section.)
But enough about the eldest daughter. Now’s time to zoom in on Anthony, the oldest son, the next Viscount, and the head of the Bridgerton household.
The Self-Abandoning Parentified Child:
Anthony Bridgerton
(Enneagram 1, Sexual/Social)
When Edmund died, his mother completely collapsed under her grief, inadvertently dumping the entire weight of the whole household onto Anthony’s shoulders.
In the span of minutes, Anthony's status changed into the roles of:
The 9th Viscount
The head of the household
Emotional Orphan
Doubly Parentified Child
(How many 18-year-olds know how to handle taxes, let alone an entire estate, or lead an entire family?)
In Enneagram 1 fashion, Anthony didn’t even push back against this mantle but completely assumed responsibility on behalf of the whole family, obsessing about doing things “properly” while emotionally white-knuckling his way through his own grief and trauma.
His inner dialogue went probably like this:
“Who has time for feelings? It doesn’t matter what I want. I have shit to take care of…especially because everyone else is a mess and/or completely unreliable.”
(Do you hear the resentment?)
Dutiful, self-denying, workaholic, rigid, grumpy as hell…and terrified of messing it all up.
It wasn’t just because Anthony is the oldest son that he became the pillar of the family — even if he were second or third in the birth order, he would have likely ended up taking on WAY more responsibility than his share, because that’s built into the Enneagram 1 personality makeup: doing the rightful, responsible thing.
Had he been a firstborn son of another type (like Enneagram 4 or 7 — types that tend to avoid responsibility), the entire Bridgerton story would have turned out VERY differently.
(Think of eldest Featherington Prudence, whose father also suddenly died and whose family was in a more financially precarious situation, but her inclination was to do the LEAST amount of work possible and had zero problem letting other people take responsibility. She’s obviously not Type 1.)
Dominant Sexual (SX) Instinct
Like Daphne, Anthony has a dominant instinct that makes him very intense, passionate, and impulsive especially in one-on-one dynamics. This is most obvious in his relationship with mother Violet, favorite sister Daphne, and his (begrudgingly admitted) love interest Kate (Enneagram 8 SO/SX).
Unlike for Type 2s (whose type & SX instinct are in alignment), Type 1 goes the OPPOSITE direction as the SX instinct, making 1 SX into a countertype: the Type One that looks the least like Type Ones, compared to 1 SP & 1 SO.
More so than typical Type 1s, Anthony can exhibit 7ish and 4ish tendencies more readily, for better (his feelings are less repressed) and worse (his impulsive reactive tendencies spill over more).
Anthony is still (mostly) rigidly in control, but his passion and fire erupts more readily — what he thinks is to his detriment, but ultimately might be for his highest and best interest. (Thank goodness he married Kate!)
On the shadow side, the Improver energy of Type 1 gets directed OUTWARDS towards other people more than on himself, leading him to put pressure on others and and also more hypocritical than 1 SP & 1 SO would. (Daphne totally calls him out on this after she catches him & Kate in their almost-kiss.)
Secondary Social (SO) Instinct
Built into both Type One and the Social instinct are the central themes of roles, responsibilities, position, status, and influence.
Whereas Anthony’s dominant SX instinct dampens some One-ness, his secondary SO instinct reinforces it. As such, Anthony had a fairly easy time occupying the responsibility vacuum left behind by both of his parents upon his father’s death.
Social-dominant Ones are the “cool”, level-headed Ones who also become the Perfect Role Model for others to follow suit (think Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter), so Anthony tries hard to be the good older brother, the Viscount, and the head of the household, out of a fear of tarnishing the Bridgerton name and disappointing his late father.
But (as was Daphne’s case) the SX instinct still wins out over the SO instinct in his whirlwind of a love/hate romance with spinster Kate, overriding his duty-based intentions to marry her sister Edwina (the second Diamond of the Season).
Repressed Self-Preservation (SP) Instinct
Anthony’s fiery dominant SX instincts also occasionally hijack his Type One intentions because his guardrail, practical Self-Pres instinct is nowhere to be seen: his illicit hot/cold affair with Siena, being late to Daphne’s debuting first ball of the season (way to go, big brother!), and the reckless duel with Simon (that led to her sister literally getting caught in the middle).
Even though Type Ones are known for the Ready-Aim-Fire stance, Anthony occasionally accidentally FIRES first, and cleans up later. Hence, even though he’s very much a Type 1, his chaotic tendencies of swinging between extremes makes him seem very Enneagram Four-ish. (Great for TV drama!)
Enneagram 1 EMOTIONAL & Relationship Crisis:
When is it time for my wants & needs?
Anthony’s resistance to admitting (let alone attending to) his wants & needs leads to him overinvolve himself in his others’ affairs — especially the firstborn daughter Daphne but also the second-in-line Benedict, regularly reminding them of their duties to support the family and set a good example for the younger siblings — while also getting resentful.
This also leads Anthony to clash with his 2 SO/SX mother Violet (who shares the same goal of marrying off the children, but for wildly different reasons — less duty, more romance — and different approaches — a more behind-the-scenes orchestration & emotional nurturing than criticism & orders).
Even though Violet finally reassumed her role in the family as Matriarch and in society as Dowager Viscountess, her emotional collapse & absence left indelible marks on the children, especially her firstborn.
Resentment simmers beneath Anthony’s stern, responsible front, especially towards his mother who both emotionally abandoned & saddled him with the dual parental role — not only is he the Big Brother & “Father”, but he’s also very “maternal” & emotionally involved.
Cold & distant is not a term to describe how Anthony shows up for ALL of his siblings, even the youngest brother Gregory despite the 16-year-age gap.
Watch Anthony’s warmth & tenderness for Gregory (in contrast to Gregory’s relationship with Violet throughout the Seasons — overlooked unless scolded for his playful pranks):
Anthony steps in, because Violet stepped back. (Another triangle!!)
This emotional backdrop of taking care of others’ at the expense of his own is what Kate Sharma steps into.
As a fellow oldest sibling + orphan + family pillar, she is the first/only person who deeply GETS him.
Part of the reason why Anthony’s passions stir out of control when she enters the scene is because her some of her Enneagram 8 SO/SX patterns of wildly defying social roles & expectations, not playing by the rules, defining her own path, and having her own one-up power stance to see him eye-to-eye (as EQUALS) shakes him out of his default overresponsible, Martyr + Savior + Protector stance. (That he doesn’t know what to do with her is good for him, even though he (love) hates it.)
For the first time in his life, someone really SEES Anthony’s grief & pain behind his strong, judgy exterior (think his panic attack triggered by Kate’s bee sting).
Anthony’s frozen trauma begin thawing, creating a messy slurry of feelings that he doesn’t know what the fuck to do with.
That he finally relents to love in marrying Kate isn’t the end of his redemption story. His healing journey continues long after they’re married and have their child.
There are a ton of things that might bring Anthony into therapy — keep reading! (Click here if you wanna jump to that section.)
Enough about the main characters of Seasons 1 & 2 (Whew!).
Now let’s focus on the third leg of the family triangle — Mama Bridgerton.
The Master Relationship Engineer:
Violet Bridgerton
(Enneagram 2, Social/Sexual)
Even though Violet is not a main character (yet 🤞 — let’s hope she gets her own spinoff story!), she plays a MAJOR role behind-the-scenes.
Without a focus on her, we can’t fully understand Anthony or Daphne, as she is the one who singlehandedly reinforces both her eldest son & daughters’ Enneagram patterns.
Violet's grief after Edmund's death wasn’t just about loss — it was about an entire identity collapse. Her role as a wife vanished overnight.
After the initial grief shutdown (relationship losses for Enneagram 2s cut differently), she doubled down and threw herself entirely into her children’s lives, especially matchmaking. Why?
Because Social 2s derive worth from being indispensable to a group — in this case, her family and society at large. This is a much louder theme than for Daphne (2 SX/SO), who directs more energy towards 1:1 relationships.
Violet is warm and loving, but she also often blurs boundaries by injecting herself into her kids’ personal lives to feel connected with them (but then feeling hurt, bewildered, or at a loss when they push back — What to do with Eloise or Francesca?).
Her love seems generous (it’s clear she does care for her children), but it’s also a form of control and an expression of her own ego workings — about her centrality in the lives of those she loves.
Sometimes her well-meaning efforts to help leads her to inadvertently overriding her children’s experiences — most evident in the frustrations that Anthony, Daphne, Eloise, and Francesca feel & express to her.
Violet can’t fix her own grief, so she micromanages her children’s lives by engineering relationship opportunities behind the scenes with her partner-in-crime Lady Danbury (Enneagram 8 SO/SP), while still nudging them to seek romantic love above all else. (Mixed messages, much?)
Her overcompensating overinvolvement in her children’s lives puts her in a subtle power struggle with Anthony (vying for the head of household role), dragging the eldest daughter Daphne in as the battlefield and prize.
This puts all three members into a triangle deadlock in Season 1 — Daphne is triangulated into Anthony & Violet’s relationship with each other.
(In Season 2, Anthony becomes the target of Violet & Daphne’s attention, because Daphne simultaneously fulfilled her role in Violet’s eyes and initiated her own identity crisis by getting married.)
The Bridgerton Family Triangle:
Anthony, Daphne, & Violet
Here’s what the relationship between the three looks like in genogram form (the green triangle):
Triangulation is a unhealthy but very common relationship dynamic when Party A & Party B don’t deal with each other directly and instead loop/drag in a third Party C to be the peacemaker, distraction, and/or prize. Party C serves as the pressure valve build up by A & B.
Usually the triangulated party ends up feeling controlled, burned out, and frustrated (because they’re objectified by the other two). Daphne eventually snapped back at both her mother & brother for meddling in her romantic life, feeling seen for just what she does, not for who she is/what she wants.
Had Edmund still been alive, he would likely have been the third Party between Anthony & Violet (purple triangle), since the relationship between the latter two even before his death was nowhere near as close/solid as each of their relationships with Edmund.
Triangles don’t form only from trauma or conflict — sometimes it’s just relative. The triangulated party is usually the path of least resistance.
If there were conflict between Anthony & Violet, they might have each attempted to get Edmund involved by lamenting to him rather than directly to the other party. If Edmund was emotionally mature, he would extricate himself from the triangle (detriangulate himself) and encourage them to hash things out with each other directly. But I guess we will never know…
Triangulation is a favorite dynamic especially for Enneagram 2s, but also for the Sexual instinct, as it’s the main instinct of rivalry and competition for a common prize (*cough prey).
Of these three characters’ Enneagram type & instinct setup, we have 2 Twos and 3 loud SX instincts:
Anthony — Type 1 SX/SO
Daphne — Type 2 SX/SO
Violet — Type 2 SO/SX
After Daphne gets married to Simon (Enneagram 4SX/SP — that’s a whole ‘nother story of relationship drama…Double SX-dominant types + Type 2/4 combo!) at the end of Season 1, Anthony becomes the new focal point of attention in Season 2. The triangle continues, now with Daphne being the meddling one in Anthony’s love affairs.
When Anthony too finds his love match and he goes off on his honeymoon (taking off his head-of-household + parental + Viscount + older brother hats), this triangle loses steam.
Anthony’s attention is (entirely) elsewhere towards a new party D (Kate) and he (finally) gives himself permission to focus on fulfilling his own wants & needs.
Without this triangle to consume her time & energy, what is Violet Bridgerton to do next? Eloise hasn’t shown the faintest interest in finding a love match…so it must be Benedict (who’s very slippery) or Colin (who seems so confident that he might not need help?)…right?
With Anthony on his honeymoon & Daphne off to her duchy with her husband and child, Violet needs a third corner of the triangle so that she doesn’t have to think about herself & her own needs (*cue Enneagram 2 nausea 🤢).
Fortunately (?), her trusty bestie Lady Danbury (Enneagram 8 SO/SP) also has all the time in the world with no drama to keep herself entertained and no new chess pieces to maneuver.
And so another triangle is formed in Season 3…with Francesca (Enneagram 5 SX/SP), the latest Diamond of the Season….and Violet’s latest project.
The Enneagram: The Cage That Used to Protect Us that Now Keep Us Stuck
At its core, the Enneagram points to nine different themes that serve as speed-dial reactions to life’s challenges.
Each type’s patterns are coping strategies & defense mechanisms that USED to be helpful when we were actually vulnerable and without many resources and opportunities.
But as we grow up & gain more abilities, our autopilot patterns don’t always upgrade accordingly, especially when there’s trauma.
We don’t realize that we’re STUCK in one of nine patterns until our handy go-to tools just don’t work anymore, but actually start CREATING problems.
How Enneagram Patterns USED to Help
With our beloved Bridgerton trio, this is how their Enneagram types & subtypes used to help them feel secure in the wake of Edmund’s death:
Anthony (Enneagram 1 SX/SO) — Being right, strong, competent, responsible, and in self-control gave him a sense of purpose & orientation in the midst of crisis & chaos from loss. Directing that Improver energy outwards (SX/SO) “protected” him from directing it towards himself (SP), because he might have completely shut down & collapsed alongside his unraveling mother when his family really did need someone to take charge.
Daphne (Enneagram 2 SX/SO) — Being attractive, beautiful, pleasing, and magnetic gave her a toolbox of soft power, molding her image (and therefore her relationships) so that she can simultaneously fulfill her duty as the eldest daughter, take care of her mother & siblings, and also enjoy a romantic & emotionally fulfilling relationship like her parents did — all to avoid ever feeling unloved or alone.
Violet (Enneagram 2 SO/SX) — Being emotionally attuned and able to discern & navigate behind-the-scenes social dynamics gave her ways of engineering/fostering relationships so that she’ll always have a place in their lives and have something to fill her broken widow heart. As an only child who yearned for connections while growing up with an emotionally cold & critical mother (Lady Ledger), Violet always dreamed having a large & actively interconnected family, with herself at the center.
How Enneagram Patterns now lead to Hurt
Unfortunately, these very entrenched patterns are the very things that prevent us from getting our true needs met.
Anthony — Having sworn off his own wants & needs, he became more bitter, resentful, and rigid in controlling others. His inability to relax made him more judgmental of others, creating further chasms in his relationships and actually sabotaging his ability to provide for & protec the family. Because he was so (overly) responsible, his next siblings in line Benedict & Colin were able to spread their wings freely to pursue their interests without worry. They got a chance to indulge in their own desires freely, leaving Anthony feeling further alone and trapped the eldest son role & head of household responsibilities.
Daphne — Once she accomplished her mission of getting married, Daphne lost her spotlight society as well as her identity as the Golden Child. Having also “locked” Simon into marriage, there wasn’t someone whose attention to attract anymore, meaning her soft power toolbox was becoming less and less relevant each day. Her attempt to make herself indispensable again by involving herself in Anthony’s love drama and creating a new triangle with her husband & child only bought her so much time until she was back to her identity crisis of “Who am I?”.
Violet — Though she still has a number of children to marry off to buy herself time from also dealing with the Type 2 identity crisis, Violet was deeply shaken up to lose the Viscountess title to Anthony’s wife Kate. What happens now? Where do I even physically live? Will I still be invited to society’s balls without a title or any more children to marry off? What will I do with myself when my children no longer need me?
The Next Generation: Tectonic Shifts in Roles & Relationships
With new marriages (& new babies!), the family equilibrium has been completely shaken up — the Bridgerton family will never be the same again, and it’s time for role reconstruction.
The original triangle between Daphne, Anthony, & Violet has dissolved, and it’s TBD as to how these roles will shift or be redistributed within the now three nuclear families:
The Bridgertons: Anthony, Kate, baby
The Bridgertons: Violet, Benedict, Colin, … , Hyacinth
The Bassetts: Daphne, Simon, Augie
The genograms for Before (Season 1 & 2) & After (start of Season 3):
Before (Seasons 1 & 2): A triangle between Anthony, Violet, & Daphne, with Daphne as the main focus of Season 1 and Anthony the target of Season 2. The other children are more in the backdrop.
After (start of Season 3): Anthony & Daphne on the periphery, Francesca the main focus of Violet & Lady Danbury’s attention. Violet has generally been more focused on her daughters and less involved in the lives of her other sons — Benedict & Colin. The youngest — Gregory & Hyacinth — are also rarely the focus of her attention.
As Anthony & Daphne fade more into the background of the extended Bridgerton family as they direct their attention & energy towards their new nuclear family with their partner & child, forming new triangles.
Here are Anthony & Daphne’s genograms with their partners & child:
Start of Season 2: Daphne (Enneagram 2 SX/SO) with Simon (4 SX/SP) who has a turbulent triangle in his own family of origin (red) with his cruel father and Lady Danbury — who steps in as his godmother after his mother dies in childbirth).
As is common for double SX-dominant couples and also Enneagram 2 & 4 combos, Daphne’s relationship with Simon is very emotionally intense and wild. Since Simon also has some childhood attachment trauma and previously vowed to never have children, it’s TBD how his relationship with his own child August (and by extension his connection with Daphne both as a partner & coparent) will be.
Start of Season 3: Anthony (Enneagram 1 SX/SO) & Kate (8 SO/SX) have a very vibrant, thriving relationship that’s based on several factors: both have common experiences being the responsible, firstborn pillar of the family, have very strong one-up personalities (good equal power dynamic), and similar instinct stacking (both SP-repressed).
Anthony has a lot of complex trauma wounds to heal, but his relationship with Kate and their soon-to-be born child might be very healing as he learns to rest, play, and rely on others again.
Btw, not all triangles are bad — usually new parents naturally form one with their firstborn or only child. The issue isn’t that there’s a triangle, but that sometimes there’s a rigidity & lack of flexibility when new members enter the scene or when two parties insist on not working out their issues directly and overrely on the third party as a go-between.
With Anthony & Daphne (the two corners of the original triangle) fade away, Violet forms a new triangle (pink) with Lady Danbury, both double-teaming on matchmaking for Francesca.
(Try as she might, Violet has been unsuccessful in locking down Eloise as her new project.)
WOOHOO, Congrats!! You finally made it to the final stretch:
Time to Heal, Adjust, & Grow:
The Bridgertons in Therapy
Let’s pretend for a second that the Bridgertons lived in present day, and that they were self-aware enough to realize that they got some deep inner work to do.
Here are the kinds of things each of them might reach out to a therapist for:
Daphne (Enneagram 2 SX/SO)
Relationship Crisis:
Loneliness, difficulty with solitude: Why does Simon work so much? Does he love me?
Push-pull & hot/cold dynamic: Why won’t he just tell me how he feels?? He keeps avoiding me…Does he love me?
Overinvolvement in others’ lives, managing others’ relationships: Why isn’t he involved more in Augie’s life? Doesn’t he love Augie?
Resentment about tasks: Why isn’t he helping more with Augie?
Relationship Anxiety: Will my family love me even when I’m not the Diamond?
Resentment about connection: Why do I have to always be the one visiting them??
Emotional dependence: Why am I so needy? Why can’t I just be okay being by myself?
Identity Crisis:
Who am I if I’m not the Golden Child or in the spotlight?
Who am I outside of my relationships?
I should be happy now that I have the relationships I want. Why do I keep feeling this way?
ANTHONY (Enneagram 1 Sx/SO)
Emotional Crisis:
Panic attacks, especially around bees
Dissociation — being checked out
Workaholic tendencies: working more than resting/playing, feeling guilty for not being productive
Irritability, annoyance, impatience, resentment
Moodiness, especially around the anniversary of Father’s death
Relationship Crisis:
Unfamiliarity with new power dynamic of being with an equal (Kate): She’s very self-sufficient and capable…I’m not sure how I’m supposed to interact with her or make decisions together…
Counterdependency: Difficulty letting other people care for him eceiving care
Codependency: Taking care of others’ needs that they can/should take care of themselves
Learning that control ≠ love, vulnerability ≠ weak
Repairing his relationship with his mother
Being equals with his siblings, who don’t need him the same way
VIOLET (Enneagram 2 SO/SX)
Emotional Crisis
The house feels so empty…Will my children visit me?
Grief: I miss Edmund…
Loneliness: I miss having a partner. Who will love me for me?
Relationship Crisis:
Where do I belong in society now that I’m no longer Viscountess? Will I be forgotten?
Power dynamic shift: How do I handle my daughter-in-law being the decision maker in the house?
Relationship shift: How do I interact with my all-grown children now? I don’t know what to talk about rather than their kids or relationships…What’s okay and not okay for me to do?
Desire: What do I do with my blooming garden?
Boundaries: Why don’t my children want my advice on how to be a parent? Why can’t I see my grandchildren more?
Identity/Existential Crisis:
Impending Empty Nest Syndrome:
Who am I now that everyone else doesn’t need me and is living their own lives?
What do I do with all this time?
Second Act:
What will the rest of my life look like?
Who do I want to be?
Who do I want to be with?
Seeing the Bigger Family Picture in 4D — Past, Present, & Future
Here’s the recap on what we explored in this blog:
Genograms show us the structure of the family: the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and HOW.
Significant events — traumas, immigration, addictions, etc.
Family roles & dynamics — triangulations, boundary issues, emotional cutoffs, etc.
Generational patterns — titles, socioeconomic/class issues, gender roles & expectations, etc.
The genogram is a cross section of the family at a specific point in time, and will change as time passes with births, deaths, marriages, estrangements, etc.
The Enneagram shows us the texture of the family fabric: the WHY each person does what they do.
Central themes or values — intimacy, identity, responsibility, freedom, harmony, etc.
Defense mechanisms, go-to reactionary patterns that used to help but lead to self-sabotage later
Difficulty with certain roles & responsibilities, individuation or setting boundaries, etc.
Stuck points & areas of healing/growth
You’ll get a ton of mileage from using a genogram to better understand how each person in your family has come to be where y’all are today (past ‘til present).
Add to the mix the Enneagram, and you get an insiders’ look into powerful yet invisible forces within each person (that drive us to do all kinds of crazy things) so that you can:
Deepen your understanding & empathy for yourself & others
Map out your next growth steps so you can break generational curses and create new generational blessings
None of us live in a vacuum. Part of the reason why it’s sometimes so hard to change is because our relationship context remains the same.
You gotta change individual issues individually, and systemic issues systemically.
The genogram shows you the systemic context. The Enneagram shows you your specific individual work.
Start Mapping Your Outer & Inner Worlds
Your patterns didn’t start with you — and they don’t have to end with you either. Learn more about your social context (genogram) and/or your inner motivational engine (Enneagram)!
Genogram
Enneagram
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
See how the Enneagram and genogram reveal trauma, boundaries, and generational patterns in families like the Bridgertons — and maybe yours too!