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Missing Puzzle Pieces
Despite the value of individualism that Western societies so pride themselves in, no one was born in a vacuum. If someone has anxiety and depression, society often sees them to be an individual issue that therefore needs an individual solution (such as medications or “Just get over it’s”). A genogram can help make sense of all that.
Chances are that what the person is dealing with is ALSO a systemic issue. The person’s significant relationships and the environment they grew up in (family, neighborhood, culture, religion, etc.) have likely majorly influenced how the person experiences, understands, and expresses anxiety and depression and how others have responded to the individual.
A person who grew up as a latchkey, only child whose parents were rarely home because of work, addictions, or any other situation might not have had the emotional attunement and coaching needed to understand their own feelings and know what to do with them. Having been so accustomed to being alone, they might have their survival mode set to “Numb”, which may have significant implications in future relationships and mental, emotional, and physical health.
This is NOT to say that our childhood experiences absolutely determine who we become when we grow up. Nevertheless, to consider one’s own experiences apart from significant environmental factors would be like trying to complete a puzzle with less than half the pieces. You ain’t gonna get that far.
So Why the Genogram?
A genogram is an important tool for self-awareness, personal development, and relationship development. It can reveal how a person’s experiences today make sense in the larger context of their family-of-origin and past experiences.
A genogram is the Family Tree 3.0: not only does it reveal who’s who in the family, but it also is rich in information about:
major events
(e.g., war, immigration, 9/11) that may have left a deep impact on the individuals and/or the family,cultural factors
race experiences, immigration, religion, sexism, homophobiamental health issues
(e.g., anxiety, bipolar disorder)medical conditions
(e.g., diabetes, cancer)traumas
(e.g., sexual abuse, sudden deaths, miscarriage)addictions
(e.g., alcohol, work, pornography, substance, sex, ministry, shopping)relationship dynamics:
closeness, distance, conflict, enmeshment, cut-off,the role played in the family
(e.g., the Hero, the Victim, the Clown, the Lost Child)
*Scroll down for instructions on how to make a genogram.
Genogram Example: Ross Geller from Friends
To use these graphics for presentations or personal use, purchase them below.
*NOTE: This is not a program that helps you make your own genogram.
Ross, age 36, is a man who is the older brother of Monica who is two years junior. The brunt of negative attention from his mother Judy (who herself had been criticized by her own mother) fell on his sister, who learned to (overly) exert control on all areas of her own life: her eating, her work, her environment, and her relationships.
Due to the very obvious favoritism Ross received from both of his parents, his relationship with Monica has been fraught with competition all throughout childhood and even somewhat in present day. Favored as the Golden Child all his life, Ross could do no wrong in his parents’ (and his own) eyes.
A lifetime’s worth of practice of being the center of attention and the Smart Alec/Know-it-All set Ross up for several rude awakenings as is revealed in his marital history. Four years into being married, his first wife Carol (the mother of his son, Ben) came out as lesbian and ended the marriage to pursue a relationship with Susan. Though his relationship with Carol is harmonious enough today as they’re coparenting their son, this was definitely not a part of Ross’ plan for his life.
Neither were his next two divorces. As a part of his decade-long, hot-and-cold relationship with his high school crush and current (and third) wife Rachel, Ross’ marriage with Emily was DOA when he blurted out Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s at the altar.
What ensued was a string of failed dating relationships and a drunk Vegas marriage with Rachel that resulted in his third (and hopefully final) divorce when the exasperated judge denied an annulment. With this, Ross the Golden Child became “The Three Divorces Guy.” Though he and Rachel remarried after they had their daughter Emma, this is still a sore spot topic for him.
Today, Ross is trying to learn how to navigate his experience with shame and to build healthier relationship dynamics.
Piece it Together
Here is how you can make your own genogram.
Preview:
Draw the Family Tree - draw out all the members in your family for 3-4 generations.
Name the Players - add any relevant info about family members (age, role, marital status, personality, trauma).
Determine the Relationship - add info about significant relationship dynamics between family members.
Update as Needed - periodically check for shuffled family roles or shifted relationship dynamics.
Step 1: Draw the Family Tree
Draw a sketch of all the members of your family for 3-4 generations:
Generation 1: Your Grandparents
Generation 2: Your Parents and Their Siblings
Generation 3: Yourself, Your Siblings, Important Cousins (optional: Your Spouse)
Generation 4 (optional): Your Children and Important Nieces/Nephews Genograms can utilize various symbols and colors to depict useful information.
Here are the basic symbols indicating different individuals for two generations (parent and child):
Children are placed beneath their parents, with a line stemming from the parents' family line. Children should be listed from left to right, oldest to youngest.
Step 2: Name the players
List the names of the significant family members. Write down or use the key symbols below to indicate any important information about each of person:
Age
Marital status
Living/deceased:
If deceased, put an “X” over the person’s symbol. Indicate reason if not from old age (e.g., cancer, car accident, suicide, overdose)Profession
Personality:
2-3 word descriptions, Enneagram type, strengths, etc.Cultural details:
Ethnicity, religion, etc.Trauma or other major events
Mental/emotional illnesses
Medical conditions
Addictions
Substance, work, sex, etc.
Step 3: DTR (Determine the relationship)
Using the symbols above, illustrate the quality of relationships between key family members.
Feel free to make your own symbols as needed to add any information that may be relevant.
Here is a summary template of what a generic genogram may look like:
Step 4: Update Genogram as Needed
As time goes on, the relationship or life statuses will undergo changes.
You may learn more about yourself and your family through having conversations with family members or looking at old photos.
With fresh(er) eyes, you may see the relationship dynamics between members that was likely there for a long time but was invisible to you until now.
When a major family event happens (e.g., the aunt who was the pillar of your mom’s family passes away), you may notice that there is a shuffle of family roles and a shifting of relationship dynamics.
Update your genogram from time to time. If you are in or are thinking about getting some individual, couples, or family therapy for yourself, feel free to share this with your therapist.
Reflection Questions:
When you’re done updating your genogram, see your family from a bird’s eye view and consider these questions:
What stands out to you?
Notice what you notice. There’s probably a good reason why this is catching your attention now!What emotions are you feeling right now?
What reactions are you having? (It’s OKAY for you to feel whatever you’re feeling. Your body is trying to digest this new information.)How has your family dealt with emotions or pain? (overdid it, underdid it, was comfortable with it.)
How do you deal with your/others’ emotions or pain?
How is your past showing up in your present?
Are there any familiar patterns that resemble what you grew up with?What are some generational blessings and burdens that have been passed down?
What burdens would you like to end with your generation? (What would you like to CHANGE?)
What blessings would you like to pass down to your children? (What would you like to CONTINUE?)What feels important for you to focus on for the next half year?
(e.g., exploring an unfamiliar part of your family, processing hurts from family, repairing strained relationships)
Next Steps
If you’re finding that you’re experiencing a surge of intense emotions (anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, anger), that’s totally normal. It’s OKAY for you to feel your feelings and also not know what you’re supposed to do next. This is all a part of your process of reconnecting with yourself, knowing who and how you are, healing old wounds, and growing into the person you want to become.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and would like support with this, you might benefit from individual therapy, where you can sort through all the thoughts, memories, emotions, and experiences that are spilling out.
(Couples and family therapy are legit options, too, but the tricky thing is that the other parties also need to have buy-in for the process to be beneficial.)
Need help creating your genogram?
If you’re needing help creating a genogram, schedule here for a one-off genogram coaching session.
(NOTE: this is NOT therapy - we won’t be doing any emotional or trauma processing).
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!