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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Head Types
Joanne (OliveMe Counseling) and Melinda (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Listen to part 4 of their 4-part series as they discuss the Head Triad and their central emotion of fear.
Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling) & Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing.
Our Enneagram type patterns used to be helpful when we were actually vulnerable and powerless (often in childhood), but when we grew up, our autopilot patterns didn't update accordingly. What used to be our greatest strengths eventually become some of our greatest liabilities.
In this 4-part series on The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types, learn about:
The main themes of the Head Triad
The central emotion for Head Types: Fear
How Enneagram Fives, Sixes, and Sevens navigate fear
Growth steps for each Enneagram Type
Watch the video below for Part 4: Head Types (or keep scrolling past the downloadables for the transcript!)
Downloadables
Grab each of these guides separately!
Video Transcript
Joanne: Welcome to our part four in this four part series, “Enneagram Emotional Habits”.
Melinda: Hi, everybody.
Today we're going to talk about Head Types, which interestingly are the Types that mystify us the most. But we love them. We've done a lot of study around them. I am married to a Head Type, so I have a little insight into Head Types.
Joanne: A lot of our main coaches and therapists have been Sixes.
Melinda: We're super grateful for that because we really need that as people who tend to undervalue the head.
Joanne: Regarding all the Triads they have their own corresponding themes. The main themes for Head Types, in particular, are around safety, security, certainty, trust and mistrust, and making sure they're okay. The way that each Type goes about it is different. The central emotion for all Head Types is around fear.
I think Fives tend to be in conflict with their fear, Sixes tend to overdo fear, and Sevens tend to underdo fear.
Would you like to share with us about our lovely Fives?
Melinda: I really would. I love Fives, not just because I'm married to a Five, but because I feel like Fives are really misunderstood. As a Two, I relate to that because I think we're also misunderstood.
Fives, like I mentioned, though they are cut off from their feelings, because of them being Head Types they tend to actually have a quite conflicted or chaotic relationship with sadness. They tend to be a Type that leans more toward depression than the other two Types, and that's because they tend to isolate themselves.
I love this metaphor that Joanne came up with. It's like Fives are in a fortress with doors that are barred and locked. They are looking out and sometimes feeling the sadness or longing, wanting to be included, but terrified of allowing that door to open because they don't want to be overtaken or overwhelmed.
The themes for Fives often are around feeling fear that they're going to be overwhelmed by others. Their energy is going to be depleted. They won't have enough resources to get through the day or get through their lives. So they tend to be very protective of their energy, their time, even their stuff, and their knowledge. They tend to be very locked in.
If we take that metaphor of the fortress with the doors locked, unfortunately, what they don't realize is that if they were to just open the doors they might be able to get the resources they need to get through the day and the connections that they need. But unfortunately, fear keeps it locked.
Fives aren't really always in touch with their fear. They've cut off their heart and their bodies and tend to live in their heads because they protect themselves from this fear by knowing things, through knowledge. Fives collect knowledge. They store it up. The one thing that they allow in through those doors is the knowledge of everything. The things that they're really passionate about, their jobs, certain subjects, whatever. They bulk up on knowledge to defend themselves against being insecure. To defend themselves against feeling afraid in the world and to make themselves safe. Unfortunately, that means that they miss out on their emotions and connections. Emotions are the things that connect us with other people and connect us with ourselves. Fives really have an experience of not being connected with themselves and others.
I actually think more than most people admit, Fives really on some level understand that, which is why they tend toward depression. They understand that they're cut off and they isolate and they have a very hard time reaching out. It's almost like they're frozen. This is why I feel so sad about Fives because they’re so beautiful and sensitive and they themselves don't know that and the people in their lives tend to not know that.
Joanne: Of the BIG Five emotions, MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB, NUMB is probably their favorite emotion. Also in that they're very good at rationalizing why they should stay NUMB. Also pursuing things like careers that tend to be right in alignment with their giftings. It's like, in a lot of ways, it kind of is a mutually reinforcing echo chamber.
Melinda: Yeah, I also find with Fives, much like Ones, they tend to somaticize their emotions. Like when you’re NUMB emotions have to come out. It means you're overwhelmed. Emotions have to come out some way. Often with Fives they come out with stiffness or issues with their back, feeling achy, sometimes nausea, and sometimes with depression. Fives are deeply sensitive people.
Joanne: That might be the growth step. You could actually use the body as a backdoor way of connecting with the heart. Noticing that you feel a certain ache or tension or whatnot and trying to translate that into corresponding to whatever feelings they might have.
Melinda: You might want to ask a close friend, should you have that, or your partner, if they are more feelings conversant. It might be helpful to let them know like, “Hey, I have this ache or I have this nausea. Is there a corresponding feeling with that?” You might not be able to connect the two but they might be able to help you. That actually is a secondary growth step, which is asking for help, which I know is difficult for Fives, as well.
Joanne: Let down that drawbridge, man.
Melinda: Yeah, because there's so many resources that are there and ready for you if you allow things in.
We love you Fives. Good luck with your challenge. Do we want to move on to Sixes?
Joanne: Sixes are hard to peg in a lot of ways and I think that comes to the territory of the Type itself. There's a lot of shifting going on on the vagrant side, especially in their heads.
Sometimes they're known as “The Contrarians” or “Devil's Advocate”, “The Questioner”, “The Loyalist”. All these contradictory terms, ironically. I think that also shows up when it comes to their own emotions, too. It’s just that there's always this questioning and never a settling. So, I would say that as a Head Type they're the feelers of the Head Type. They tend to be most driven or most obviously connected to fear as an emotion but they intellectualize it so much that they might not even register it as a feeling.
Melinda: Yeah. It depends on the subtype usually. With Sixest there tends to be a pretty big stratification of how you experience the feeling based on your Subtype.
Sexual Instincts tend to face fear head on, so they might be the type that are less connected with their experience of fear. Though I've found that fear is still something pretty dominant for Sexual Subtypes and Sixes. It's just that they're like, “Fuck you fear, I'm gonna go at ya.”
Joanne: Fight mode.
Melinda: Socials tend to be pretty removed from their fear.
Joanne: More NUMB.
Melinda: It's a more NUMB kind of feeling. They might do the things that the other two Types do in terms of fear. They might have some conscious understanding that they feel it, but I think they tend to withdraw from it a little more, tend to be a little more distant.
Self-preservation Sixes are the ones that we're kind of going to peg as the stereotypical Six. They tend to be very anxious. That's how we talk about Sixes. Overdoing fear. Self-pres Sixes are going to be the ones that are really obvious about it. Whichever one you identify with, we would say that you have kind of an over-active relationship with fear. That tends to show up for Sixes regardless of Type or Subtype as kind of the catastrophizing and the over preparation, just in case something bad happens. Would you say that's your experience with Sixes?
Joanne: Totally. Being more future oriented, they focus on what could happen and what could happen is more negative.
Mistrust is what leads the way and the emotion that I think Sixes have the hardest time connecting with is probably joy. And that like, “When's the other shoe going to drop?” as if there's always another shoe. Or like, “What does this person want from me? Are they being honest?” There's always like frenetic energy to them.
I think even though Sixes are driven by fear they might not consciously be aware of it because they're so in their head and they're very good at justifying things. If you tell a Six they're being pessimistic, they would say, “I'm just being a realist.”
Across all Head Types they're so good at justifying their own position. I think that only reinforces the disconnect from the heart.
Melinda: For Sixes, I think one other thing to put out there is that the way that they try to find security, again is probably different per Subtype, but I think the thing that holds true with all of them is that they have a very difficult time finding security. Even when they either reach out, no matter how they try to do it, either finding security in their connections or other people, finding security in an authority or a dogma, or a way of viewing the world, or finding security and going at your fears, like balls to the wall. Whatever Sixes try to connect with and try to find security in, what remains true, is that they have a very hard time trusting and finding security within themselves.
The world out there is scary and the world in here is scary. I can't trust anybody out there and I can't trust anybody in here. That causes a huge, huge amount of insecurity and fear. Of course it would, because if you can't find safety anywhere, then you have to work really hard in order to make it happen. It's tenuous at best. Sixes kind of find themselves in a jam. I feel for them. That's really hard. Onto our growth step.
Joanne: I think being in touch with your fear. Being honest about it is one thing and allowing yourself to temper the questioning a little bit more, 5% less questioning than before.
Melinda: Dialing it down just a tad.
Joanne: Because you might be creating your own anxiety, ironically. If that's the case it can also go the other direction. If you look for what is okay, even though things could go bad, then you might actually create another feedback loop where you start noticing things that are actually okay, even though it could be bad or it could be worse. So, giving more attention, more room towards things still being okay, being steady, being secure, that would be the recommendation.
Melinda: We hope that you feel like you can engage that challenge Sixes. Good luck. We Heart Types love you.
I think we're going to move on to Sevens.
Joanne: In a lot of ways, Sevens are the opposite of Sixes in that Sevens also focus on what could be, but towards the positive. I think whenever people find out what their Enneagram Types are, everyone else except for Sevens are like, “Oh, it's terrible. Why are you so negative?”
Sevens are like, “This is great. I love my Type.”
Usually those who are in close relationships with Sevens are like, “Oh my god, I'm so tired. I feel so resentful and negative because Sevens tend to be positive.”
GLAD for Sevens is a defense structure in that it's an overdoing of the positive emotion as a way of downplaying or ignoring the negative stuff.
Melinda: Especially fear. Of the Triad, I think they underdo fear.
Joanne: I don't think Sevens are as aware or conscious about their fear. One way to find out is they still look for the exits too when it comes to difficult conversations or whatnot. They just rationalize. That is the main defense mechanism, rationalization. They find their way to sweet talk their way out of focusing on difficult things, responsibilities, things that are boring, etc. Not knowing that they're weaseling out of things is actually what makes situations harder.
Melinda: I think that's the way that Sevens actually act out their fear. If you're a Seven, think about things being sad, feeling trapped in that sadness, never being able to get out of your sadness. That's fear, right? Sevens have a fear of being trapped in negative emotions. Actually, Sevens have a fear of being trapped in general.
Joanne: Keeping your options open, making sure you get to choose into the more fun or exciting or better thing.
Melinda: Exactly. What Sevens have a hard time doing, I think every Enneagram Type has a hard time with this, but being in the present. What they fail to understand, sadly, is that only when we're open to every emotion in the present and what's happening in the present do we actually connect with JOY. I think JOY is what Sevens are trying to connect with, but unfortunately, it doesn't happen if we're not connected with all of the feelings.
Joanne: Lower hanging fruit growth stuff for Sevens, because I'm not sure if y'all are eager to jump into the deep end just yet.
Melinda: And that's okay.
Joanne: Is to practice alternating between doing something exciting and something that is a little bit more blah. Just so that you still get the stuff going but you're not going to be completely trapped in it. There is an overemphasis on seeking freedom by resisting limits. But freedom and limits actually go hand in hand.
It's kind of like the fencing around a playground structure. Within the fencing you can go wild and do whatever you want, but you’ve got to make sure to stay within so that you're not at risk of danger. It’s the same thing with our life's experiences. There are responsibilities and things that must be done but that is actually what empowers you and frees you up to actually really engage things and enjoy the deeper things in life without this nagging thing in the back of your head. Like, “I know you shouldn't be doing this.” Make it easier on yourself.
Someone said, “Swallow the frog.”
Do the thing that you don't want to do first and then you can reward yourself with a fun thing.
Melinda: That's a great challenge.
I think also remembering too, in the same way, engaging all your emotions eventually is the thing that leads to true JOY and freedom. I know it sounds very counterintuitive, especially for Sevens, but allowing yourself to be able to be present with what is, whether it be good or bad or neutral, is the thing that then frees you from actually being enslaved to positive or good vibes. Which actually is what Sevens are. You actually are trapped. That's the reality.
Joanne: The bias of Head Types is that there's such a high emphasis on reasoning, rationale, the intellect, et cetera. Often all Head Types tend to think that they're just being mature, reasonable, grounded, and everyone else, especially those with feelings, are being immature, irrational, whatever. It's just that the ironic thing is, if our body and our heart are also other legitimate sources of really important information the irrational thing is to lop off or close off access to those other centers of intelligence.
Melinda: How rational are you being if you lop off two incredibly important ways of viewing and interpreting the world.
Joanne: It's actually irrational for you to only favor certain data and ignore everything else.
High recommendation for all y'all Head Types to really get to know emotions and also your body experiences as a really important source of information. It seems irrational on the outside, but that's because no one really trained us on how to do feelings well. It is a huge, strong belief of mine that each of the BIG Five emotions, MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB, and also SHAME as well, have their corresponding themes and messages about what we're needing and what we're wanting, who we are, et cetera. So, to close off the door to your heart space is a huge disadvantage for you because you're basically living life blind. It's a huge part of you.
We have a couple of resources for everyone. We have a quick, at a glance view of how each Enneagram Type interacts with each of the BIG Five emotions. Also a more in-depth guide, because I know y'all want to do your research, right? This guide, “The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types”, has a more thorough look as to what's really going on, not just with the main emotion of the Triad, but what each emotion actually means and what they're for.
Melinda has created another guide for us, “Growth Tip of the Enneagram Types”.
Melinda: I made this especially for y'all who are really just wanting to get into the nitty gritty of growth and deep transformation. The Enneagram is amazing for that and it's so much more than just descriptors of our core Types. I hope that these tips and challenges will help you to get even deeper into knowing your essential self and fighting against and becoming more aware of your ego patterns. As you get to know your essential selves, I think you'll find that they actually look a lot different than your core Type, which is pretty surprising. I developed this guide with a few tips for y'all who are really wanting to grow more deeply in your Enneagram journey. These have been helpful for us so I wanted to pass this on to y'all with more to come.
I think you're Big Feelers First Aid Kit might be a good thing for our Head Types, too.
Joanne: I also made a separate guide specifically for those whose feelings tend to show up sideways and show up at the wrong place at the wrong time. For example, like a lot of Fives tend to call out sick from work because they stuffed their feelings so much that the body somaticized it. In order to prevent people from just locking up their feelings, this is kind of an alternative where you can buy yourself time if your feelings are showing up in more sideways ways. The point is to actually dedicate a specific time and space for you to actually sit with and process your feelings, not just way after the fact because they get more confusing. I'm sure y'all don't like that. Also grab the Big Feelers First Aid Kit as an additional resource, a handy tool to put into your library.
In general Head Types, one of the main areas of challenge is around relationships. So, don't just study about your own specific Type patterns, but also listen in on the Body Types and the Heart Types, as well.
Thanks again for joining us here for our series and we'll catch you next time.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types (Part 1: Introduction)
Joanne (OliveMe Counseling) and Melinda (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Listen to the introduction of their 4-part series as they discuss emotions, the Enneagram, the three Centers of Intelligence and dominant instincts.
Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling) & Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing.
Our Enneagram type patterns used to be helpful when we were actually vulnerable and powerless (often in childhood), but when we grew up, our autopilot patterns didn't update accordingly. What used to be our greatest strengths eventually become some of our greatest liabilities.
In this 4-part series on The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types, learn about:
Why emotions are important for personal growth, relationships, and professional development.
What the BIG 5 Feelings are.
Why feelings are important for Enneagram inner work.
The main emotions for each of the three Centers of Intelligence (Body, Heart, Head)
An overview of the three instincts (SP, SO, SX).
Watch the video below for Part 1: Introduction (or keep scrolling past the downloadables for the transcript!)
Downloadables
Grab each of these guides separately!
Video Transcript
Melinda: Sup, everybody. What's up, Joanne? How are you doing today?
Joanne: Good! Good to see all of you on the other side of the screen. My name is Joanne from OliveMe Counseling, and this is my lovely BFF, work wife, Melinda Olsen from Inviterra Counseling. We are both Enneagram Therapists here in Silicon Valley, and we are super excited to share with you about our topic today which is the emotional habits of Enneagram Types.
Melinda: Wooh!
Why Feelings Matter for Personal Growth
Joanne: Generally, why emotions are important is that they're super important sources of information for us. They're essential for our personal growth, our relationships and also, surprisingly, our professional development in terms of you finding out what really matters to you, what trajectory you want to take in life.
A side product that I'm doing is called Intelligent Emotions. I do cover the basis of how feelings operate and actually that each feeling has its own corresponding themes, messages, action steps, etc. So, we're going to be integrating the Enneagram, the Nine Types of the Enneagram, with what I call the BIG 5 Feelings: MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, and NUMB, and how each Type basically does each of these guys. For the sake of this particular video we're going to add one extra piece in the BIG 5 and it's SHAME.
If I had a sixth finger then it will be BIG 6 feelings with SHAME attached. It's super important of a topic, but it has some extra nuance information, especially when it comes to identity, authenticity, relationships, et cetera, which is a very central theme for the Heart Types, Twos, Threes, and Fours.
So I'm going to add, MAD, SAD, and SHAME, GLAD, SCARED, and NUMB. We're going to be covering each of the Nine Types in triads, Body Types, Heart Types, and then Head Types.
Why Emotions Matter for Enneagram Growth Work
Melinda: I don't think Enneagram work can happen without us exploring our feelings.
Every type does feelings in a different way, as Joanne mentioned. For example, y'all who are in the Heart Triad, Twos, Threes, and Fours, don't think you're getting out of this. Though we do feelings a lot, and we have our own relationships with feelings, it doesn't mean we do them well. We can attest to that.
Joanne: She's a Type Two. I'm a Type Four. We got a lot of feelings between the two of us.
Melinda: I say we're recovering types. So, don't think that we're letting you off the hook. In fact, all of us have a lot of work to do with emotions and the Enneagram. That's how we actually do the deeper work of the Enneagram, which is what I jam on. It's so important.
Let's talk about how each Type, or at least in the Triad, kind of engages emotions. What we've found is there's one Type that either overdoes the emotion, there's a Type that underdoes the emotion, and then there's a Type that has a conflicted relationship with the emotion and internally that can feel like a chaotic relationship with emotion.
So if we think about the Heart Triad, right? And we talk about sadness and shame, right? We have Type Fours that overdue sadness and shame. We have Type Threes that really don't keep in touch with sadness or shame. And we have Type Twos who, if I can say so myself, we have a conflicted relationship or a chaotic relationship with sadness and shame, and we found this similar pattern with every Triad. We think it's important to talk about that.
Joanne: One piece we forgot to mention is that each center of intelligence has its own corresponding thematic feeling. The Body Types, Eights, Nines and Ones have a particular relationship with anger. Heart Types, Twos, Threes, and Fours have a particular relationship with sadness and shame. Head Types, Fives, Sixes, and Sevens have a particular relationship with fear. As Melinda mentioned, one of the Types in that Triad one overdoes the feeling, one underdoes it, and the other one tends to have a complicated, mixed relationship.
Melinda: Absolutely. Then things can get even a little more complicated when we add in instinct and subtype. Everybody has an instinct or subtype. You might already know about that as you've engaged Joanne and my other materials and resources around that. What we found is that Self-preservation instincts tend to, if we're talking about the BIG 5 emotions that Joanne mentioned, they tend to favor SCARED or NUMB as emotions that they tend to go to automatically. This is Despite type, like your core Type.
Social Instincts tend to overdo maybe SAD or SHAME. SHAME being an emotion that's associated with social situations. That's kind of developed in society.
Then we have the Sexual Instinct. Which tends to favor, if I do say so myself, as a Sexual Instinct, the GLAD and MAD, which are kind of on opposite ends of the spectrum. We tend to go back and forth.
Joanne: Both very vibrant and expressive feelings.
Melinda: Yes. Self-preservations tend to shut down and be more internal. Social Instincts tend to be more external, but diffused as they try to engage and fit in to the larger social context.
Joanne: All of us have one of the Nine Types. Within the Nine Types we have three different versions according to the three instincts, Self-preservation, Social and Sexual Instinct.
One tends to be the dominant emotion. So regardless of your type, if you happen to be a specific dominant instinct, it's as Melinda mentioned. There's also a repressed instinct as well. So, one that's in the top of the stack, one that's at the bottom of the list and the repressed Instinct also has its own corresponding emotional patterns as well.
Basically, the feelings attached to that instinct, when it's repressed, tend to take the most amount of energy and deliberate effort for you to summon that forth.
To give you an example, Melinda and I, we're different types, also our instincts are the exact opposite. Sometimes just between our two stackings, because of the opposite, she tends to be really good at what I suck at and then vice versa.
Being Self-preservation dominant, that means that I tend to be very practical, steady, focused. So, leading with anxiety and numbness, which happens to be in Melinda's repressed, and saying it's something that takes a little bit more dedicated effort for her to summon. In the opposite way for her being Sexual dominant, very easy attunement to joy and anger. That took a lot of work for me, not just because I'm a Four, but because the Sexual instinct is also my last place, too.
For you, regardless of where you are in your Enneagram journey if you don't know your Type, then we'll add a link as to the step-by-step approach of how you can identify yours. Even if you do know your Type, the next step might be for you to find out what your instinct sequence is. Then coming back to the subsequent videos we'll be releasing in knowing what your type and your particular instincts and emotional habit is because our Enneagram Type, our autopilot, are ways that used to be helpful before but are now what's creating problems for us.
Melinda: Causing our suffering.
Joanne: So, whatever emotions we tend to overdo, we need to reign it back. Whatever emotions seen most foreign or repulsive to us are what we need to dial up so that we can be more well-rounded, more balanced, more integrated, instead of being lopsided and getting caught on things.
Melinda: I think it's really important too to just mention that every emotion, whether it's labeled positive or negative, they're important. They contribute to a vibrant life. If we shut down or overdue any of these feelings, it leads to suffering. It's really important to mention even something like scared or sad is really important in our journey of understanding who we are and who we are in the world and our essential selves.
With all of that said, let's talk a little bit about our upcoming episodes that I hope that y'all tune in to. We are going to be going over every Triad and talking about the emotional habits of every Triad. Starting with the Gut Triad, Eights, Nines, and Ones. The Heart Triad would be next, Twos, Threes, and Fours. Then rounding us out with the Head Triad, Fives, Sixes, and Sevens. We're really excited!
Joanne, of course, has made a chart because she is a Self-preservation dominant person, that she shall be sharing with you. And we have some more resources as well.
Joanne: This is what it looks like. We have the BIG 5 emotions on the side that shows up differently for each Type and also some variations depending on the dominant instinct. That will be available in the section below this video.
Melinda: We want to call you to watch all of our videos on the Types, find out more about your Type and the Types of your loved ones. Then I think we have a few other things for you to explore.
Joanne: If you want to learn more about emotions in general, I have what's called the Big Feelers First Aid Kit. So, especially if you're the emotionally expressive types, either the Heart Types, especially Twos and Fours, or Sexually dominant, Sexual repressed.
Basically, if you tend to have emotions that show up when you least expect it, because you might've repressed it, I’m calling out to Ones and Twos, this will come in super handy because not every situation is safe or the best time for you to be actively processing those feelings. Grab one of these and you'll be able to learn a little bit more about the nature of each specific emotion.
Melinda also has given us a fantastic guide as well, "The Growth Tips of Each Enneagram Type".
Melinda: "The Growth Tips of Each Enneagram Type", I'm going to hold my own because I designed it, it’s so pretty! I'm very proud. Basically, I found that in the Enneagram work that we do we don't tend to push past understanding the habits of our Type. I think it's really important to use the Enneagram to do the depth work, the growth work.
So, I have developed this handy dandy little guide for you to get a bite size, just a taste of the things that you can do to grow more deeply out of your Enneagram Type and get to know your essential true self, which interestingly might not look a lot like your core Type. Pick this up!
Joanne: Thanks again for joining in today on the introduction. Tune in, the next episode up will be about the Body Types, Eights, Nines, and Ones, and the others will follow, just in suit.
Melinda: Looking forward to it!
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!
Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Do Brainspotting on Yourself (Gazespotting)
Brainspotting can help your nervous system soothe itself when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Read more about how to do a specific type of Brainspotting even outside of therapy!
DISCLAIMER: The Brainspotting approach mentioned here is meant to help your body decompress from stress accumulated from a busy day, NOT to help you process trauma. This post is NOT meant to be a replacement for therapy, just to help you wind down and rest more readily.
If you have trauma triggers or really intense emotional reactivity, find a therapist near you.
Your body knows how to heal itself
Brainspotting is a therapy modality that’s been gaining more attention in recent years because of how well it helps people process emotional reactivity, trauma, and dissociation.
As a derivative of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Brainspotting also utilizes eye positions. David Grand, the founder of Brainspotting, says, “Where you look affects how you feel.”
Many of my therapy clients who’ve tried both EMDR and Brainspotting say that they prefer the latter, hands down, because of how intuitive it can be and how deeply yet quickly it helps people resolve their pain.
One of the best things about Brainspotting is that this is actually something our bodies intuitively know how to do. Staring off into space, eyes glazed over, is an example.
Gazespotting (one specific type of Brainspotting) is a useful tool to keep in your back pocket, especially if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person or if your life circumstances are super busy and/or chaotic that you often feel overwhelmed (parents of young kiddos, I see you!).
Gazespotting is much more helpful than Netflix binging or scrolling mindlessly on social media, since you don’t actually feel more rested after those things.
No fancy equipment necessary for Gazespotting - you just need 5-7 minutes (15 minutes, even better!).
You can do this anywhere and anytime you don’t have anything you need to focus on (i.e., don’t do this excessively at work or while driving - otherwise you might make mistakes or miss your exit!).
How to do DIY Brainspotting
Reminder, don’t try to do trauma processing by yourself. Brainspotting is like deep water diving - the further below the surface you go into your subconscious, the darker and more disorienting it gets. Divers have someone else sitting in the boat on the surface, ready to pull them out when it’s getting too risky or when it’s time. The Brainspotting therapist is that someone else.
Here are the steps for Gazespotting:
Recommended timing: Once around lunch time, once around dinner time, and once before going to bed (basically, when your body and mind needs a break from work/focus mode).
Set an alarm for 7 minutes, with a pleasant alarm tone.
Focus on a part of your body that feels the most GROUNDED, NEUTRAL, and CALM. Rate that feeling from 1-10 (10 - most relaxed).
Then, look around in your room (first from left to right at eye level, then up/down) and find a spot where you feel even MORE relaxed.
Zone out while staring at that spot until the timer goes off.
Just notice whatever comes up - none of this needs to make sense to your analytical brain.
When the timer goes off, close your eyes, scan your body, and stretch your body to reset and be fully present again.
Don’t do this for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Better to do it more frequently than longer durations.
If you’re still feeling checked out, drink some water. Notice the temperature of the water as it goes down.
BONUS: If you’re feeling super reactive and have a hard time calming, here’s a great video that my work wife Melinda Olsen made about Vergence, another type of Brainspotting you can do yourself!
Power of Permission
The main difference between Gazespotting and you accidentally zoning out is your INTENTION.
When you zone out reflexively, you might often judge yourself because society deems those who are inactive as being “lazy”, “sluggish”, “unproductive”, etc.
You might judge yourself, or others around you might judge. But when you give yourself PERMISSION to zone out, a huge internal switch happens.
When you zone out DESPITE your plans, you feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, OUT OF CONTROL, and ASHAMED. This adds more strain to your nervous system, which makes you more reactive.
When you zone out because you WANT to, you experience the feelings of AGENCY and SELF-CONTROL. This helps the nervous system soothe.
Practice giving yourself PERMISSION to rest, zone out, do nothing. Then see what happens.
A loud inner critic…
When your inner critic/Manager part starts criticizing you for not getting work done:
Say thank you to that part for wanting to help you
Say that what it’s doing is not actually helping because it’s adding MORE stress that shuts you down further
Tell that part that what you’re needing right now is to turn your nervous system back on and that you need to turn off your brain for a while to do just that
Say that you’ll ask for your inner critic’s help again when it’s the right time. Now is not that time.
Reset the timer to 5 minutes.
Resume gazespotting.
A Rhythm of Relaxing
Gazespotting is something I’ve integrated into my normal daily routine during lunch breaks, when I come home from work (sitting in my car for an extra 5 min before going inside), or winding down at the end of the day in bed.
More frequent, shorter runs are better than having stress buildup on your nervous system. If you really don’t have chunks of time to do this, doing this for 1 minute every hour between meetings or activities would still do wonders for your mind, heart, and body.
Start incorporating this wherever you are, and see where this takes you. The key words are “INTENTION” and “PERMISSION.”
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Set Boundaries over the Holidays
If you're feeling DREAD around seeing some people over the holidays learn some questions to ask yourself to help set boundaries.
"I KNOW I need to set boundaries, but I CAN'T."
This is what I hear often when I'm working with people who learned how to people please, placate, and repress their own feelings/needs to survive their significant relationships. All of these are examples of "FAWN" responses (in addition to FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE) to (even anticipated) scary or risky situations.
Why the resistance to setting boundaries? Here are some reasons:
I don't know how.
I feel guilty/bad. (BTW - "bad" is not a feeling, but you get the idea)
I don't want to because it's too scary.
I don't want to because I don't think I'm worth it.
I don't want to make them mad.
The majority of the people I work with have some strained relationship with family members. Unlike friends, whom you can choose or leave at will, family is what you're born into without any say.
As the holiday season rolls around (and also around family holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day), old wounds are poked, stirring up feelings of anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, shame, irritation, resentment, etc.
Even relatively healthy relationships with family might stir up stress as people navigate spoken or unspoken expectations, travel plans, financial strain, and limited time.
Questions to prepare for the holidays
If you're feeling DREAD around seeing some people over the holidays, consider up front:
How can you keep from overextending yourself?
What are your realistic limits in terms of mental, emotional, physical, or financial energy? How can you build more down time into your schedule?
During the harder times of the year, plan to do 70% of what you usually do so that you have a greater buffer. Operating at the full 100% makes it so that any extra pain starts depleting the resources you need to just get by a “normal” week.
When things are harder, make it EASIER on yourself. DO NOT TRY TO TOUGH IT OUT - YOU’VE ALREADY DEALT WITH PLENTY OF SHIT.
Who are some people who drain energy?
What's the maximum amount of time you can hang around someone without becoming reactive?
PRO TIP: Schedule 1-2 hours with that person and schedule something ELSE at the end of that time period.
Give the person a head's up that you have something afterwards ("I have other things I gotta do while I'm here" or "I have other people I need to also meet up with"), and when time's up, say "I gotta go!"
How can YOU initiate an activity?
You might have some people you’re not super excited to see but feel like you HAVE to (like a nagging relative who keeps saying, “Why don’t we ever see you?”).
They keep reaching out to you, and you feel like you have to either maneuver your way out of that invite (and feel guilty) or endure that experience (and feel trapped, anxious, and ashamed).
PRO TIP: Sometimes, if YOU initiate an activity you feel better or safer about (bowling, watching a sports game, or shopping), then THEY would be in a position to say yes or no. If they say yes, it’s at least on YOUR terms and timeline. If no, oh well! At least you tried.
Who are people you need to steer clear of completely?
Or hang out only in public spaces? Or only when other people are around?
Don’t force yourself to hang out with them. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy, or sanity.
Let them throw a tantrum or get upset. You’re not the asshole for not making their drama your drama.
Who keeps asking inappropriate or uncomfortable questions?
Some people are freakin nosy, digging for deets about whether/who you're dating, whether/when you'll have kids, how much money you're making, etc.
PRO TIP: Pick some neutral/shallow topics you can purposefully redirect the conversation to. Not everyone deserves to have access to you. YOU get to choose - not letting others into your life does NOT make you a bad person.
Who are some safe people who can care for you?
Who can you ask keep you company during those scarier situations?
Who can help you decompress afterwards?
Here’s a blog that describes who’s a safe vs. unsafe person.
PRO TIP: Ask one of them ahead of time to call you with some urgent matter partway through if you need an out of an unpleasant meetup.
If you’re feeling guilty
Obviously, some of these things I'm encouraging you isn’t 100% ethical. Save your ethics and morality for situations where you actually have SAFETY and FREEDOM - not when you're pressured, bullied, or guilt-tripped.
When you're dealing with unhealthy, manipulative people, you do NOT need to expose yourself to being exploited or hurt again. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE.
If you’re playing a game where the other parties keep cheating or changing the rules, there’s no fair play. No need to follow the rules; you may stop playing the game altogether.
To butcher a Henry Cloud quote: If you set boundaries and the other person gets mad, it's NOT a sign that you're doing something WRONG. In fact, it's CONFIRMATION that boundaries were necessary in the first place, because this person has been benefitting at your expense this whole time.
MAD: The Emotion of Boundaries
ANGER is a good self-protecting and self-honoring emotion right about now. Not all anger is bad, and not all love is good. The healthy versions of both create relationships where there's enough room for BOTH parties, not just one at the other's expense.
If you're wanting to know more about the HOW-TOs of boundary setting and assertiveness, check out the following:
A blog I wrote about Radical Candor (from Kim Scott's book).
An interview I had about toxic relationships
A blog about safe people (from Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book)
These Instagram posts about anger (bio page > “MAD” highlights)
I’m really rooting for you. Hang in there.
After this season is over, I encourage you to use the non-holiday months next year to build towards a year-end time that suits and honors you. Perhaps it might be time for you to find yourself a therapist.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Two Quick Tips to Be Assertive
Empathetic people struggle to put their needs before others, but practicing assertiveness is a necessary part of every relationship. Read these quick tips on how to be assertive and create BALANCED relationships.
The Value of Assertiveness in Relationships
Many of the people I work with (myself included) have trouble being assertive in relationships. We tend to focus our connections on empathy and meeting the needs of others, but that focus on the other OVER the self can really impact the relationship and yourself. Such a dynamic is what Kim Scott calls “Ruinous Empathy,” a dynamic that takes empathy so far that the relationship no longer has room for the self. Such relationships cultivate resentment and lead to easy burnout. (You can read more about Ruinous Empathy in my blog post on Radical Candor.) Practicing assertiveness is a tool for building BALANCED relationships where both YOU and OTHERS matter.
Tip #1: Use the Sentence: I am open to “____”; I am not open to “____.”
One way to be assertive is to use the sentence, "I am open to 'blank;' I am not open to 'blank.'" Sometimes when someone else makes a request or a demand of us, we might find ourselves feeling stuck between the options of:
Saying YES, going along with their demand or request, OR
Saying NO, where we're in the position of rejecting.
So, the template, "I am open to blank, I'm not open to blank," provides an alternative option. An example is if someone asks, "Hey, can we go to San Francisco and do X Y Z things." I might not be up to that because I tend to have low energy, so I may say, "Hey, I'm open to grabbing coffee for a couple of hours with you; I'm not open to spending the whole day in SF." That might be enough.
Instead of you being in a position of going with the other person's request exactly as it is or denying their request completely, you pitch a THIRD OPTION. Now there's room for negotiation here and that's totally okay. The idea is that you're not stuck in an all-or-nothing arrangement.
The converse can happen as well when you're making a request to someone else, and they're in a position of saying yes or no. If they say no, you can follow up with, "Well, what are you available to do?" You give them an opportunity to speak for themselves. That way, you don't just have two options. It opens up that conversation.
Tip #2: Don’t Over-Explain
The second way of being assertive is to NOT over-explain yourself. Now if you're like me and a lot of people that I work with, we tend to feel bad about putting forth our needs. We feel guilty or we're scared that the other person may say no or get mad, and when we finally muster up the courage to make a request, we provide this lengthy explanation as to why that request needs to happen or why it's a good idea.
It's totally understandable why people might feel the need to over-explain. The downside is the more you explain yourself, the more you actually dilute down the effect of your request. You water it down. So sometimes when you over-explain, the listener may have a harder time keeping track of what your initial request is. An example might be instead of saying "I'm not available on Friday,” you say something like "I'm not available on Friday because I need to go to the grocery store, because I need to gather all this food to prepare because my in-laws are coming tomorrow and they have high expectations.” The other person is like, well, that's way more much information than I needed.
The over-explanation might not be necessary and sometimes it's just generally good practice, especially if you have a hard time with boundaries, to hold back on sharing more than is actually concretely necessary for the question at hand. The main question is, "Are you available on Friday or not?" So instead of over-explaining yourself, stick to the point. Stick to the action item saying, "I am available on Friday," or "I'm not available on Friday," and notice how often you do over-explain and see what tends to happen in those conversations. More likely, the other person you're talking to may feel or sense that you are more defensive or you are more insecure because in effect you're kind of backtracking.
So, state the request very clearly or state the boundary very clearly. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, for any of your decisions. If you happen to be interacting with someone who tends to push boundaries, like they say, "Well, why?" Well, that might actually be a reflection of them being a less safe person than you thought they were, and that might be a signal for you to start dialing back for that very reason. If you're interacting with someone who demands to know the very reasons or justifications for your actions, that's kind of a sign that they don't really respect you all that much. So, to develop respect, instead of giving more of yourself, you give them less access to you; that's generally a good practice.
Being Assertive in Your Connections
So in summary, there are two quick ways of being assertive.
One is for you to say the sentence, "I am open to blank; I am not open to blank."
The second one is to watch when you over-explain yourself and practice dialing back.
You don't have to do a full 180; just practice dialing back 5% and then see what happens. Sometimes people might be okay with a simple yes or no. We don't know. So go test out these assertiveness tips and see how they might improve your relationships.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Concentric Circles of Connection
Use the Concentric Circles of Connection chart to plot how your current relationships are and make adjustments so that the closeness and distinction is just right.
Shifting Relationships
Every time we go through any major life event (positive or negative), it's good to check in with the nature of our current connections.
Such shifting points include:
Getting a new job
Starting or ending a relationship
Upgrading to the “next level” of relationships
Moving to another city, state, country
The pandemic
Losing (or gaining) a job
Sometimes we find out through life experience that our connections maybe aren't as sustainable as we might think of them to be. With some people, we may not actually be as close to as we would like.
Instead of constantly putting yourself out there and then feeling disappointed, or hurt, or realizing that your relationships are super imbalanced, it's good to do a check-in every now and then.
Ask yourself, "Is my connection with someone able to sustain the level of intimacy as I would like?"
The Concentric Circles of Connection
There are many different kinds of friendships. It's not a matter of “Yes, I have friends” or “No, I don’t have friends,” but “What kind of friends do I have?”
Imagine that there are several levels or tiers of friendships.
(The number of levels may change over time, but here’s one way of distinguishing them.)
+: Positive experiences
—: Negative experiences
Tier 1: BFFs (+++———)
At the innermost circle are those who are our Ride-or-Die people. These are the people who know ourselves the best, those with whom we can share our deepest darkest secrets with and they will show up.
The relationship is consistent day after day. They're going to be there for you, no matter what. They’ve explicitly made that commitment clear.
You've cultivated a lot of connection and trust and rapport, and they're also able to sustain the difficult emotions. So, it doesn't mean that you have an equal amount of positive and negative interactions with each other, but this is the depth of experiences that you share with them.
When the best and worst things happen, these are the people you call first.
Tier 2: Close Friends (++——)
These folks have demonstrated that they're trustworthy. They share in your personal hardships and also celebrate your wins. You can have great dinners and heart-to-heart talks.
You're still close to them and deeply enjoy their company, but they're not the first people you would call if something happens. (You’ll eventually catch them up when you do meet.)
Tier 3: Fun Friends (++—)
These are people with whom you have mutual interests and have fun. You might like going to concerts, play board games, or do wine tastings, but when something hard goes on in your life, they're nowhere to be found.
That doesn't mean that they're necessarily a bad friend, but they're just not in your inner circles. That’s okay.
It's important when we come across these kinds of connections that we release them from any expectations for us to rely on them, so that THEY don't feel trapped about what we're going through, and WE don't rely on people who are not readily available for us.
But we can still have a good time! Relationships don’t have to be all-or-nothing, eggs-in-one-basket, intensity-or-bust (Take heed, Enneagram Fours! Not all experiences we have in life are super serious and it's good to learn how to lighten up and to enjoy things.).
It’s good to have a wide range of relationships, even ones where surface-level convos are the norm and where activities serve as the core.
Tier 4: Neighbors (+—)
These people can be co-workers or literal neighbors—people you see pretty often. You know each other's names, how many kids or pets y’all have, generally what might be going on in each others’ lives, but you're not necessarily going to call them up to hang out all the time.
You might share, "Someone hit my car bumper last night, and I'm kind of feeling frustrated," or "Yeah, like my kid is about to do a major performance and super excited about it."
Sometimes, to avoid repercussions in your daily life, you may opt NOT to share things.
You might connect every once in a while, but mostly you see each other in passing, say hello, be polite, be gentle. Other than that, they're not necessarily involved in your lives.
Tier 5: Acquaintances (~)
These are people who are neutral and you don’t share much with at all, good or bad. You know of each other, from a distance. If you don’t hit it off, oh well. It’s not (necessarily) a problem.
Tier 6: Blacklisters (——)
These are people who have demonstrated over and over again that they are NOT trustworthy, and they hurt more than help. They often take way too taking up way too much space in the relationship. It’s all about them, and there’s little room for your own feelings or your experiences.
When you try to speak up for what you need, you get shot down or you get dismissed, minimized, gaslit, etc. As these people are toxic, it's generally good to have strong walls up and give them minimal information.
Sometimes these people are those who used to be your closest friends, and sometimes they're family members. It's really really hard and painful in those situations, but the cost for not putting up those boundaries is that you get more and more diminished.
Emotions like resentment, guilt, shame, anxiety are all evidence that someone who belongs in the outer tiers are too close to you. Sometimes they barge in, sometimes you give them an inch and they take a mile.
They may still be valuable as human beings, so they deserve a base level of human dignity (don't be mean to them), but don't give out your personal information (including what’s going on in your life) because they might use it against you.
These are people you interact with where afterwards you feel bad about yourself or your life. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE; GTFO.
Is everyone in their rightful tiers?
To maintain health and longevity, do an audit of your current relationships. List 10 people you often see these days, and indicate what your general interaction is like with + and —.
Tier 1 (BFFs): +++——— (can handle both strong positive and strong negative experiences):
Tier 2 (Close Friends): ++—— (similar as BFF, but not first pick)
Tier 3 (Fun Friends): ++— (mostly pleasant, but not as deep)
Tier 4 (Neighbors): +— (neutral, frequent but surface level)
Tier 5 (Acquaintances): ~ (neutral, little sharing)
Tier 6 (Blacklist): ——— (consistently negative)
Plot these individuals onto the Concentric Circles chart (download here). What do you notice?
Some questions to think of:
Are there people who have more access to you than they deserve?
If you keep experiencing more pain than good with someone (and they refuse to change), it might be time for you to bump them into outer tiers.
This does not make them lesser of a person, but just relocates them to where the relationship can actually handle the level of intimacy. When people stay closer than they’re supposed to, that increases the risk that the relationship will implode or explode, resulting in that person being sent to the Blacklist.
Find the right amount of intimacy that is sustainable.Are there some people who have demonstrated trustworthiness that you can give more access to?
Sometimes, those you never expected to be close to may become some of your closest people. Be open to trying out new levels of intimacy until you hit a limit - that might be the new equilibrium point for the next season of your life.
Changing Needs, Shifting Tiers
You may find that there are some people who kind of move back and forth between different tiers—that's totally okay!
Be open to having relationships of varying mobility. Remember, it’s not all-or-nothing.
As we change and grow in life, our needs and wants change. We need to shift our connections to match the new level of personal growth.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Therapy with Ibi - Anxiety, Insomnia, Relationships
Join me and fellow therapist, Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, as we chat about toxic relationships, couples counseling, therapy for Christians, and the misconceptions of therapy.
Introducing…Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, LMFT
Joanne: This week we have a special guest who is sharing about her practice today. Let’s just jump right in. Can you share about yourself, the things you love, what you focus on, a bit about your journey.
Ibinye: My name’s Ibinye. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist for women and couples in California. I like to focus on anxiety and insomnia. I also focus a lot on people who were raised in toxic environments—teaching them how to break those generational cycles, speak up for themselves, be assertive, and just live a life out of the box. I also help couples move their relationship from boring and feeling like roommates to actually feeling passionate and feel like lovers again.
Who Is Therapy For?
Joanne: During this pandemic period with things kind of rolling back, in your work with people, has there been one question that you’ve been getting asked often with that?
Ibinye: Yes, two questions actually.
“Can Black women go to therapy?” They usually whisper when they ask. “I’m Black, can I go to therapy? Is that a thing?” Yes! That’s a thing!
“Is it okay for Christian to go to therapy?” People want to make sure. And I’m like, “Yes! I’m a Christian! That’s fine. Yes, you can see me; you can talk to me.” There’s nothing unbiblical about therapy.
Joanne: A lot of hush hush. What do you sense that’s about?
Ibinye: It’s about the shame, the rules, the legalities, and the upbringing that says:
Keep all your business within the church.
Keep all your business within the home.
Don’t tell anyone your problems.
With the faith-based shame, it’s this idea that if you have any struggles, if you’re anxious, if you’re depressed, if you’re crying, then you’re not reading your Bible, or you don’t have the holy spirit within you, or you’re clearly not going to church enough. Something’s wrong with you. There’s a lot of shame that I see.
How Therapy Works through Shame
Joanne: The message that something’s wrong with you, you need to be better, all the variations of that. And within your work of the people who reach out to you, how do you help them get unstuck from that? It’s great that they’ve already got unstuck enough to reach out, but how do support them?
With the Christians—for those that want Biblical-based counseling—we go into scripture. My favorite person that we talk about is David. He seems sad a LOT. He was struggling a lot, there was a lot going on with him, his life isn’t perfect, yet we read that he was anointed by God. Then they’re like, “wait a minute, that’s true.” Then it’s okay to seek out help.
For intergenerational stuff, I ask them some questions about their relationships and families. Things like:
Let’s look at your grandma’s relationship with grandpa, or grandma’s relationship with mom.
How has that worked out for them?
How has that worked out for you?
What you’ve been doing for the past 50 years, 40 years, 30 years, does it feel like it works well for you?
A lot of times they’ll respond with, “No—even though that’s the way I was raised and I’m just trying to walk the line, it doesn’t really work well for me.” I say, “Well, would you be open to trying something that possibly could work for you.” And they’re like, “Yeah, as long as you don’t tell my mom!” Legally, I can’t tell your mom anything anyway, so you get to do whatever you get to do. As they get to start trying new things, they find they start feeling a lot lighter and a lot happier. The anxiety isn’t feeling so heavy anymore and their families get used to their new behavior like, “Okay, I guess this is how she is now.”
Joanne: I kind of imagine that with a lot of these entrenched patterns or ways of experiencing and responding to life, it would be great if families responded well with, “Oh this is how it’s going to be going forward,” but I imagine there are some people who don’t have that experience. For those folks whose families or communities are not as supportive, what would you say to them?
Ibinye: We talk about the depth of tradition and how difficult it is to break from tradition. Everyone is just trying to play this role, whether it’s a church role, cultural role, racial role, whatever that is. I talk to them about finding support from like-minded people. I think that’s so important because sometimes your family or your church or religious body is not your support system. Sometimes they are the ones who are doing harm to you. Sometimes they’re the ones that trigger a lot of the difficult emotions you are going through. I empathize with them and help them understand that those are very common patterns, unfortunately. But outside of that, I ask questions to get them thinking about new connections:
Who are the people who are adding people to your life?
Who are the people who are filling your cup?
Who is helping you feel great?
Those are the people to run to. I don’t say cut off your family or stop going to church, but how about building new relationships? Once they start to experience what those positive relationships look like, it really helps in the healing process. It doesn’t mean that everything is going to end with a bow wrapped on top of it. There’s still a lot of grief work left to be done. But they realize the pain of staying in that tradition is sometimes much greater than the joy of finding this new life and finding your voice and new ways of being, and just being yourself.
What Are Toxic Relationships?
Joanne: In a lot of moments, there are some terms that people have a certain understanding of, and I think toxic relationships are one of those words. They have some idea in their mind of what it looks like, but it might be more much multifaceted and varied. Same with anger—that it’s not just always the rage-y explosive types. There are so many other ways anger can show up. So how would you define and describe toxic relationships? What does it tend to look like in the people you work with?
Ibinye: Toxic relationships FEEL DAMAGING. They are relationships that feel uncomfortable and they often feel like they’re being done maliciously. Very often when clients come to see me, I ask about family relationships, like “how is your relationship with family members?” They say “Fine, everything’s fine.” And then after a while, they describe toxic relationships they’re in without realizing it. Things like:
Every time I leave this person’s presence, I feel exhausted.
I can’t wear that to this person’s house because she’s going to make a bad comment.
I have to change who I am.
I have to be extra quiet when I’m in the presence of this person or else she’s going to say something negative.
Decorative. A child has duct tape over their mouth.
It’s almost like feeling like you cannot be authentic, you can’t be you in the presence of someone, feeling drained after you leave that person. That’s how people typically experience toxic relationships, and sometimes it’s not even overt. Sometimes people aren’t actually saying direct things or throwing direct jabs. It might be a look, a glance, a whisper, or a passive-aggressive comment that they make constantly. You feel like you’re drowning when you’re around them, and nobody around you can see that. Or sometimes it feels like you’re drowning and they’re the ones who pushed you to the deep end and they’re standing there with their arms crossed like, “Oh well, let’s see if she can get herself out of this.”
Joanne: Are there instances where someone’s in toxic relationships and they don’t know?
Ibinye: All the time. We think that you cannot love someone who feels toxic to you. Sometimes it’s the very people that we love. It could be spouses, best friends, family members, people in your religious organizations, coworkers, bosses you respect—anyone around us can exhibit toxic behavior. So I often say, go by that feeling that you get:
You can’t hold your head up high.
You feel exhausted when you’re around them.
You feel like you have to put up a show or put up an act when you have to be with that person.
If that’s what you feel when you’re around a person, then something’s off about that behavior. But I always say don’t tell people that they’re toxic. Like, don’t walk up to your mom and say, “Dear mom, you’re toxic.” It’s not going to go well.
Joanne: One of the things I’m hearing is one sign that of whether you’re in a toxic relationship is how you feel while anticipating meeting with a person or how you feel during and afterward. Are there people who feel numb?
Ibinye: Absolutely. Some people feel nothing when they’re with toxic people. Other times you find that there’s lots of jealousy and competition in toxic relationships. So there sometimes will not be this spirit of cooperation that we all want to be able to have, that support around us. In toxic relationships, it’s almost like somebody has to be in charge. There’s a dynamic of power and control sometimes where somebody always has to get the last word in; it’s difficult to agree to disagree.
Sometimes there’s this back and forth of:
“You’re wrong and I’m right.”
“But are you open to—?”
“No, I’m not open.”
Or there’s the thing with tradition:
“This is how it’s always been.”
“But that’s hurting me.”
It’s shutting down those feelings saying they aren’t real. “It’s not my fault you’re sad. You’re sad because something’s clearly wrong with you and you’re too sensitive. If you learn to stop being sensitive, you won’t be sad when I make these aggressive comments to you.”
Joanne: I’m hearing that one sign that someone might be toxic is that they’re so rigid and one-sided, not open to hearing the other person’s experiences, let alone validating them, controlling, telling the other person what to do, the other person doesn’t have a say, their feelings don’t matter, their emotions don’t matter, etc. What does someone do when they find out that they’ve been doing those things?
Ibinye: Sometimes that’s how we’re raised and that’s what we see around us, so that’s just what we do. It’s not easy because if you’re used to that dynamic of being cutthroat and cutting people down—all of those difficult behaviors—then I say, “Okay, take a moment to pause and think how would you feel if that were done to you.”
The interesting thing is even when you exhibit toxic behaviors, you don’t enjoy it when the behavior is done back to you. You don’t feel warm and fuzzy when someone has that aggressive interaction with you. Even though that’s all you know, it doesn’t feel great on the inside. So take a moment and pause. I ask, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” And they’ll say, “I’d be upset and I’d attack them back.” Okay, if that behavior triggers that big emotion back in you, then maybe let’s think of another way to talk about this.
We do a lot of practice in assertive communication as opposed to aggressive communication. We also talk about making amends because it’s very important. Not necessarily in the AA way, but it’s okay to take responsibility for your behavior. It’s okay to go back and apologize and say, “I noticed that I’ve been damaging to you, toxic to you, hurtful to you. I noticed that you’ve felt uncomfortable in my presence and I’m sorry.” We also talk about “I” statements. Not “because you’re so sensitive, that’s why I was so damaging to you.” No, we can’t do that. How to really talk and communicate with people and to attune with other people’s emotions we learn how to do some of those things.
Joanne: So some signs of someone who is not toxic and who is safe and quality are those who are able to consider another person’s experiences, their own impact on the other person, being able to articulate their own experiences (those “I statements”), and—I think this is a pretty significant one—taking responsibility for your own stuff. The world would be so different if more of us knew how to do that.
Ibinye: Absolutely. You don’t have to be perfect. So, safe does not equal perfect. Nobody is perfect. We make mistakes and mistakes are quite okay. I find when people are raised in toxic environments, it goes hand-in-hand with perfectionism because if you’re anything short of perfect, you will be attacked or shunned or something will happen to you that won’t feel good. So there’s this idea of “I need to be perfect because I don’t want anyone to say anything negative about me, I don’t want to be the butt of anyone’s jokes, I don’t want anyone to look down on me.” It’s about learning that imperfections are just a part of the human experience. Some things you do great, some things you don’t do great, and that’s okay.
Joanne: So perfectionism can be a way that a person is trying to take care of themselves, but it usually doesn’t lead to that outcome.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia
Joanne: You and I could talk about toxic relationships all day because that’s my jam too. Relationships, emotions, all that. But I noticed you focus on other areas as well, like insomnia and supporting couples in their relationships. Could you share a bit more about each of those?
Ibinye: With insomnia, I do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for it. The idea behind it is, the way you think about sleep can greatly affect your sleep. The people who struggle with sleep have a lot of anxiety behind their sleep, and all day long, they think, “I wonder if I’m going to sleep” or it’s negative, “I know I’m not going to sleep tonight.” Sometimes they walk into their room, see the bed, and think, “I’m going to be tired tomorrow.” Already thinking future-focus negative thoughts about sleep, which stirs up anxiety and most of us cannot sleep when our bodies are under that kind of sleep. Or you’re laying in bed and willing yourself to sleep. “I’m closing my eyes really tight and I will force my body to shut down.” These unconscious thoughts and behaviors unbeknownst to us are increasing insomnia. With CBT insomnia, I teach clients how to create a great sleep environment, how to change behaviors so they can support sleep, and how to work on those unconscious, automatic thoughts, so we can start to think positive, sleep-promoting thoughts.
Joanne: I should’ve done this Live with you a couple of days ago because I could’ve prevented this last night! Trying harder to sleep makes it worse! I know that you have a useful resource you’ve put together, can you talk about that?
Ibinye: I have a free download and it’s just five myths that are keeping you awake and how you can finally sleep. 5 myths most people with insomnia believe are the golden truths about sleep—those are typically keeping us awake, and then I answer, “let’s debunk this myth” and here’s how you can finally sleep.
Couples Therapy: How to Love and How to Communicate
Joanne: And what’s been fun about working with couples?
Ibinye: I enjoy working with couples because when they come to me, they are like, “we are not communicating, we are arguing all the time, but we want this to work.” Or sometimes one person is like, “I don’t know, I’m on the fence” and one person is like “I really want this to work.” It’s really about teaching them how to respect one another, how to find friendship again, and how to communicate. That is key. How to communicate, how to respect one another, how to see your partner, and how to love your partner how your partner wants to be loved, not the way you think they need to be loved. I think a lot of couples get into trouble with that one.
Joanne: What is an exercise you might do with a couple that comes in having trouble loving the other person well?
Ibinye: I always point to the 5 love languages. They take the quiz on the 5 love languages together so that they can understand what each love language is, and then in session, we talk about the results of the quiz and each partner will explain examples of things that fill their cup. Some questions I ask them are:
What are some things that your partner does that you truly enjoy? (We always try to play to each person’s strengths and things that ARE working. It’s not about, “You don’t know your partner and you’ve dropped the ball.”
What are some things that your partner is already doing that really excited you and make you feel seen? (Then we talk about how the partner can do more of that.)
What are some other things your partner can do?
Then I go to the other partner and ask, “So, now that you’re hearing their perspective, what are two things things that you think you can do that can make your partner happy and loved?” And then that’s their homework.
Couples are typically busy and cannot find time, so I encourage them to prioritize “couples time” by pulling up their phones and putting it in their calendar. We also set rules together, but I don’t set the rules for them. They set the rules for themselves. Some of those rules might look like:
No phones
No social media
You have to sit with me
You have to hold my hand
Once everyone is in agreement, I teach them how to speak up for themselves, how to communicate, and then it’s always about validation. We talk about how to validate each other even when they don’t agree with each other. I also normalize that disagreements are going to happen. Because you are a couple doesn’t mean you have to be one mind and love all the same things. But everything doesn’t have to be an argument. If one person loves red, one person loves blue, “It’s fine. Okay, I can see how you love red; I happen to love blue.” It’s fine and doesn’t have to be an argument.
The Five Love Languages
Joanne: Can you go over the five love languages?
Ibinye: Love languages aren’t just for people who are coupled up. They are for kids, for coworkers, friends, loved ones. All humans have love languages, which is just the way they like to be loved.
Quality time. It’s basically spending time with your partner but in a way where your partner is attuned with you. People who’s love language is quality time, they like people to spend time with them where you’re actually looking at them, you’re chatting with them, listening to them, and that’s how they also love other people.
Acts of service. “You made my bed for me, you brought my meal to for me, you fixed my bike for me.” Doing things for the other person. They don’t have to be huge tasks, just simple things like “I loaded the dishwasher today.” perfect!
Touch. That would be people who are huggers, people who love to kiss, hold hands, and things that just feel physically. You can tell kids whose love language is physical touch—they’re the ones who’ll come and give you a hug. Some people when they talk touch your arm lightly or tap you—that’s physical touch.
Gifts. When we think of gifts typically, when I have a couple do the quiz and one of them gets gifts, the other partner is “Oh my gosh, this is about to get expensive.” no! It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t even have to be something you buy. Just the thought behind it that knowing your loved one has spent time crafting or getting something for you. It can even be mixing them a drink and giving it to them.
Word of affirmation. People who want to hear that you love them wanna hear that they’re doing a great job, that you’re proud of them. So, your words are affirming them, loving them, validating their emotions.
Typically I find that couples have different love languages. One could have acts of service and one could have quality time. That’s why it feels like “I don’t feel loved” or “you don’t love me, you don’t appreciate me.” Typically, we love people and show our love in our own love language, so once we learn how to speak our partner’s love language, then they feel like they’re seen and loved.
Joanne: So it’s a way of turning into a person for how they actually are, not how we think they are or how we think they should be. It leads to an acknowledgment and accepting the other person.
Therapy and Therapist Misconceptions
Joanne: So when it comes to the process of therapy, what are some of the myths or misconceptions about therapy that you’ve heard?
Ibinye: I’ve heard a LOT.
Therapy is judgmental.
Your therapist will tell you what to do.
Your therapist will shame you and judge you.
Therapy is exactly like talking to a friend, so what’s the point? They aren’t going to teach you anything.
If you go to a therapist, then they’ll put you on medication, and then you’ll be on medication for the rest of your life.
Therapists just want to stick you to a very strict diagnosis.
I think sometimes how TV portrays therapists, people are surprised that I laugh a lot or they didn’t expect me to be this nice. I’ve heard people be worried that I will tell everyone their business and put it on social media. No! There’s confidentiality'; I don’t do that.
Joanne: So what would you say therapy is?
Ibinye: Therapy is a process of getting you to where you want to be. The reason I’m keeping it so vague is because we don’t tell you where you need to be. The way I work is; I ask what you would like your life to look like in 6 months or a year, they tell me, and we work towards that. We start by exploring different aspects of their lives:
What would you want your social relationships to look like?
What would you like to feel when you wake up in the morning?
We talk about career. What do you feel is standing in your way?
It’s a process of really getting to know yourself. A process of getting to heal difficult emotions that keep us stuck or afraid or stagnant. Learning how to create relationships with yourself and with those around you so we can learn how to thrive. I know it’s sort of nebulous how I’m describing it, but that’s the best description I can come up with.
Joanne: There’s such diversity in individuals anyway. Everyone’s goals and desires are different and there’s no need to pigeonhole people into one way of growing or healing. For example, one person’s work could be how to do anger less or how to have better ways of doing anger, but for another person, it might be how to practice anger more. Either one could be really healing for a particular person and their relationships. What other resources do you have available apart from?
Ibinye: Currently, I am enrolling for the women of color online support group. It started because when the pandemic hit, I kept hearing from women of color say, “I just feel alone. I feel like there’s so much going on and I have no one to talk to.” But they weren’t just talking about seeing a therapist, they were talking about a community of women who knew what they were going through. So, it’s a place where they don’t have to be so perfect and don’t have to be the caretaker all the time.
You get to sit, connect with other women of color who understand some of the struggles you are going through, get to support you through it. We tackle different topics; we talk about race and racism and how to maneuver that. Of course, we aren’t going to solve racism in 8 weeks, but we talk about how to maneuver that so it doesn’t feel like something that’s strangling you all the time. We talk about ways to take care of yourself. What can self-care look like? How to build self-care, self-confidence, and how to ask for help because most of the majority of the women that I talk to do not ask for help ever. It’s an 8-week group, we meet once a week for 8 weeks and you just leave feeling like some of the burdens have been taken off your shoulders. That’s why it’s called Lay Down Your Burdens.
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Moving on from Toxic Relationships
Listen to a conversation with Melissa Moore on Faith Hope Love about the different types of toxic relationships and shared resources and tools for stronger, healthier connections.
Here’s a video about moving on from toxic relationships. Melissa Moore from the podcast “Faith Hope Love with Melissa Moore” invited me to talk about dealing with trauma. Scroll down for a transcript. Follow Faith Hope Love on Youtube.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
I’ll start from what a healthy relationship is and then work backward. If we think about ourselves as images of God, everyone is SO DIFFERENT even though we’re all uniquely created. We’re given reflections of different aspects of God. Some of us reflect back His passion, some of us reflect back His holiness. With each of our differences, it’s not necessarily meant to be opposed to each other. It doesn’t have to be an either/or arrangement. IT CAN BE BOTH. So we think about healthy relationships through that vantage point. These connections are one where there’s ENOUGH ROOM in the connection for each person to be themselves. Have their own needs, own values, own opinions, and still be powerful sons and daughters in the Kingdom.
If there isn’t enough room in those connections for each person, this is how we go down the toxic relationship route. There are two different options (although we tend to see one as an example of toxic relationships more than the other):
APATHETIC Relationships
ENMESHED Relationships
Apathetic Relationships
When there isn’t enough room in our connections for both people to be fully themselves, then sometimes there’s enough “room” in the relationship by both parties going off and doing their own thing. In a marriage, for example, that might be a couple living under the same roof as if they’re roommates, but they don’t spend a lot of time together.
This could also be with other kinds of connections, like family members where there’s barely any interaction throughout the year until the holidays roll around. And when the holidays roll around, it’s super awkward. So that is an example of a relationship where there isn’t enough room for them to coexist at the same time. Because there’s not a lot of interaction, there isn’t really a knowing of each other or revealing of oneself.
That type of relationship is what I call an “apathetic relationship.” There’s a huge wall between the two people and both parties are going off in opposite directions. The main message is, “I am me; you are you. There’s no we.” That is an example of a toxic relationship, but it doesn’t usually get labeled as one because it isn’t usually labeled as a relationship. But when there are situations where the connection is forced, for example, with family, that’s how it shows up.
Enmeshed Relationship
The second example of a toxic relationship is what often gets called an “enmeshed relationship.” Sometimes, though, that word enmeshed gets used to describe different relationships that are more culturally informed and more collectivistic. In certain parts of the world, there’s more of an emphasis on society as a whole or the collective. Through our Americanized/Westernized individualistic lens, that gets labeled as being bad. It’s not bad. I want to make that distinction between enmeshed and collectivistic.
What I mean by the “enmeshed dynamic” is when two people are in close quarters and there isn’t enough space between. There’s not enough space for each of them to be. Think of two circles where one is kind of swallowing the smaller one. A lot of ANXIETY, GUILT, SHAME, ANGER, FRUSTRATION—that’s the emotional evidence that there’s way too much fusing of the two people and there’s a lot of reactivity. Each person is not allowed to have their own opinions, but they’re kind of eyeing at the other person to see what they’re going to do.
Often when people think of toxic relationships, they think of this latter group of enmeshed relationships where there’s a lot of controlling, yelling, screaming, throwing objects. Yet, even within that enmeshed dynamic are things like guilt-tripping or not allowing the other person to have time with their own friends, etc.
So, this is a spectrum; there’s not categorical difference. It’s just that more often than not in a “toxic” couple, it’s likely that one person is leaning more towards enmeshed and one leans more toward apathetic. So in other words, we call this the PURSUERS and WITHDRAWERS. This is a common couple that shows up in couples’ therapy where one person is like, “we need to spend all of our time together,” and the other person is like, “we don’t need to spend all of our time together.” Usually, they come in a set.
Everyone Has Their Own Individual Needs
I work with a lot of healers, and there’s a reason for that. It’s because how they serve others often is a reflection of them trying to do their own trauma work. They just do it accidentally. Because of their own families of origin or childhoods, they haven’t been given a lot of experience of having their needs recognized as valid and being given space and permission to cultivate their individuality.
These individuals find their worth and value being very much connected with how they connect with other people. So, BURNOUT, RESENTMENT, feeling GUILTY about doing self-care—those are the common reasons why people reach out to me. It’s not because they want to be a better healer per se, but it’s because they’ve done that too much to the point of depleting themselves. However, they still have needs, and that might be a rude awakening for them. So, in their work with me, we unpack like, “okay there are some relationship dynamics that have been celebrated in your family of origin or maybe all of society, and that’s not sustainable.”
So how do we go from whatever your relationship dynamic is (enmeshed or apathetic) where there isn’t enough space for both of you, to shifting towards and creating a different kind of relationship where there is space for both of you to fully exist in your individuality. Neither party is inherently good or bad, but when there is empathy or connection, it’s a true connection. It’s not a result of someone having to sacrifice themselves for the other party’s needs.
Using Outside Information to Understand the Self
The healers who reach out to me tend to be depleted because they’re doing two people’s work instead of just their own and having their partner or family member or friend do their own respective work. That part is super hard because their bodies have been trained to OVERLY take on responsibility. That’s a conversation in of itself, but it is a way for the person to feel in control in some sense, but they accidentally end up stealing the other person’s opportunity to do their own work and grow.
We tend to connect with other people in the way that we're used to in life, so it’s really hard to change ourselves and our ways when we’re using ourselves as a reference guide. It’s not going to work because the reason why we got to where we are now is because we got here by consulting ourselves.
Often, anything that involves a person learning or gaining information from the outside—books, podcasts, seminars, therapy, other relationships, etc.—are all fantastic ways by which we get to learn about ourselves.
To give you an example, I am a first-born, second-generation Korean American, meaning my family moved to the States from Korea, and I thought for the longest time that it was totally normal for dads to live part-time in the States and part-time in Korea. In Korea, there’s a word for this, it’s called “albatross dad.” A lot of it happens to be when the father is like a traveling professor or based on work. I thought that was super normal until I was in college, Thanksgiving was about to come around, and my friends were telling me what they were going to do with their family. It was the weirdest thing hearing them say they’re going to hang out with their dad. I was like, “how does that make any sense.”
Sometimes we learn more about ourselves when interacting with other people or gaining information from the outside.
Resources to Help You Move on from Toxic Relationships
There are some books/resources I recommended. The two favorite ones are called Safe People written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (the same people who wrote the book on boundaries) and Radical Candor written by someone who worked on a lot of companies in Silicon Valley.
Radical Candor is when a person is able to have HIGH REGARD for BOTH themselves and others at the same time. And when one is missing, you get one of the other three arrangements. Those three arrangements are:
Obnoxious aggression—when there’s only room for one’s own needs and not for others.
Insincere manipulation—when a person is neither particularly caring about themselves or the other person.
Ruinous empathy—where there’s a high regard for other people, but very low regard (fi at all) for themselves. This group is mainly the people I work with.
All three of those don’t fall in the radical candor category. Part of the work that they do in therapy is to learn how to balance out how to regard for themselves just as much as they do for other people. Often the fear is “if I take care of myself, I’m taking away from other people. No, you’re taking care of yourself JUST AS MUCH AS you do for other people.
There’s some retraining from messages they’ve picked up growing up or from their own churches or society at large. A lot of women and minorities fall into that category. It is an example of empathy is not always a good thing in the same way that hope is not always a good thing. There are healthy ways of doing it; there’s an unhealthy way of doing it. In the same way, there are definitely unhealthy ways of doing guilt and anger (which is how most people know them), but there are instances where anger and guilt are absolutely necessary.
Rounding out the full spectrum of emotions, considering oneself as just as important as the other person, it’s not EITHER/OR, it’s BOTH/AND—Safe People and Radical Candor are my go-to resources for that.
Process of Cultivating Healthier Relationships
Transitioning from toxic relationships to cultivating healthier ways of maintaining connections is a very gradual process. If people could simply choose healthy relationships, they would’ve done it already. It’s a very gradual process because our own bodies resist sudden changes. It’s the reason why dieting programs don’t work.
It’s an equilibrium point where healthy people are not drawn to unhealthy people and unhealthy people aren’t drawn to healthy people for very different reasons. Healthy people aren’t drawn to unhealthy people because it’s too chaotic; unhealthy people aren’t drawn to healthy people because it’s too boring. People have a very visceral reaction internally, where sometimes—even for people who lean more towards unhealthy even though they’re wanting to grow—their bodies RESIST something that would be more lifegiving because the nervous system has been so trained to object that upfront as a way of preventing an even deeper, scarier, pain.
I work with a lot of ruinous empathy, a lot of healers, a lot of compassionate responsible types. A lot of people have opportunities to choose a healthy relationship where the other person really cares about them, but they turn that down because it’s scarier for them to be an actual healthy relationship because what happens if it falls apart? That means it confirms that “nobody is going to love me.” That happens on a very subconscious level; it’s not something people deliberate, but that’s the degree to which there’s such deep physiological wiring within the brain.
In the last episode, we talked about how the brain isn’t just one brain, the thinking part, but it’s also the emotional and reflexive part, all these parts are interconnected, so you can’t just pick and choose what to focus on. Some people will have very visceral reactions where they push away good things. This probably shows up in the way people do their own faith relationships with God. God is trying to give them all these good experiences, but the person is like “no, I’m unworthy” and reject it upfront. So you can take the relationship with God as a significant attachment relationship, so the stuff I’m talking about applies there too. It’s fascinating especially with Christian circles how much that ruinous empathy piece kicks in. It’s not healthy y’all. There is something that’s far, far, greater and deeper, but we’ve assumed that that is what is healthy.
Toxic Relationships in the Bible
I think there are many more examples of toxic relationships in the Bible than there are healthy ones. I do want to quickly touch on the fact that toxicity doesn’t mean the same thing as abuse. There is a kind of toxicity in relationships, and it’s called neglect. Oftentimes abuse and neglect get lumped together in one, but they are very different. Abuse is the PRESENCE of a BAD thing; neglect is the ABSENCE of a GOOD thing. We must consider both of those things at the same time.
Let’s consider the first book of the Bible, Genesis. I think the bulk of that book is about Joseph. We cover several generations of his family—Abraham, Issac, Jacob, and Joseph at the end. I think that’s one of the clearest examples of there being so much drama between family members. There’s lying, cheating, favoritism, exclusions, rivalry, competition, all kinds of stuff. That happened because each generation didn’t do their personal work.
Now, these are the fathers of the faith, Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, people will speak very highly of them, but actually, the chapters that describe what happened in the subsequent generations is because the previous generations didn’t do their work. There are patterns in these dynamics, like lying, cheating, etc. So when it comes to Joseph, I think his experience shows why it’s so important for people to do their own personal work and what happens afterward.
We see Joseph after he has been sold by his brothers and spent all this time completely cut off from his family. His parents thought he was dead, but in seeing and reconnecting with his brothers as the second in command in all of Egypt, I think if I was in his position, I would’ve made some very different decisions with all that power. There could’ve been moments of retaliating and punishing, and I wouldn’t blame him. But there is one particular section where it talks about how he sent his brothers out, and he just cried. I would say he probably wasn’t crying solely because he was sad, crying isn’t just about sadness, he was probably full of rage, full of hurt, feeling hopeless and powerless, and he wrestled with God when he was thrown into the hole in the ground and into the prison, he had a really rough life. In each of those moments, he struggled with God like, “how do I make sense of this awful thing that happened” that he had no control over and nothing to do with. The worst thing he did was maybe brag to his brothers that he had a cool coat. There’s nothing that he’d experienced that was warranted from what he did when he was a child.
By the time we get to the end of Genesis and before we read about his sons going forward, there’s that scene that’s so moving about how he was so struggling internally while he was trying to do the right thing. If I were to choose any Bible story to highlight why therapy is so important, it would be that. It’s saying that you have a responsibility to shift how things go going forward. It is not your fault that you experienced all this stuff, but you technically have power and influence in what happens going forward, so will you take that shot or not? That’s the big question a lot of people are presented with, especially for parents.
Tools for Understanding Your Relationship History
A big part of helping people through toxic relationships is helping them understand their relationship history. Most people will be able to recall certain events that have happened in their life, but they will probably consider those events in isolation and unrelated. There are a few exercises I do for this. One is the Top 10 list. They write down their top 10 best memories and top 10 worst memories. They put it all on a single sheet of paper, and after they’re all done, they zoom out and see if there are any patterns between those different events. Because sometimes, when we’re stuck in our ways, it’s hard to tell how those things influence us.
They put those things on a Life Timeline, positive memories above, negative memories below. It gives them a bird’s-eye-view. It helps people draw connections that were always there but just didn’t show up in the same way as they do in these exercises.
Similarly, there is another exercise called the genogram, which is a fancy family tree. Instead of writing down names, there’s information regarding different individual traits—each member of the household, parents’ generation and grandparents’ generation, any big events that any of the family members went through, things like immigration, wartime experiences, traumas of actual events or growing up in a very harsh neighborhood, etc. All those things get added onto this diagram that reveals also the relationship dynamics between individuals. It’s a very visual image.
I have one for Ross Geller to see how there are so many things that are going on between different members that are not always visible. It’s not always a physically explicit event, but when grandpa shows up, everyone turns their heads elsewhere. Those things, when we see it in visual form, it’s like, “okay now I can take my genogram and next time I see my family for Thanksgiving it’s like, oh yeah, there’s a lot of stuff happening that never occurred to me because this is the air that I breathed growing up.”
These are the exercises are super helpful so instead of me telling people what to do differently, unless they know how they’ve been up to this point, it’s really hard to change what you don’t know. The other two resources, the Safe People and Radical Candor books are other frameworks for people to locate themselves and know what to do going forward.
In the last post, I talked about the Enneagram, which people may have mixed feelings about, but it’s one of the ways by which I’ve supported people connected with their core needs, fears, experiences, it’s also what happens in our physical bodies on a nervous system level.
I have videos about relationships and I have a blog page filled with posts about relationships. So, if you’ve connected with some of the things in this discussion today, check out those resources.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Enneagram Type Six: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Sixes (Type 6s) are always prepared for the unexpected, making them excellent troubleshooters and great for supporting teams. But, that default to worst-case scenarios can sometimes make them overly cautious people. Read what it’s like to be a Type Six from Jonathan Siu.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In this post, fellow therapist, Jonathan Siu (husband of Lorren, Type 9) shares what it’s like to be a Type Six.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What does it mean to be an Enneagram Type Six?
Skilled at Preparation, Readiness in the Face of Things that Might Go Wrong
My biggest fear is being unprepared when something goes wrong. There is risk in everything. I can take any scenario and list the risks involved. I can also tell you the good things that are possible, but there are so many things that can go wrong and circumstances can always take a different direction. At home, I ask a lot of “what if’s”. What if we overspend this month? What if someone breaks into the house or it gets burned down? What if our pets get sick or injured?
But I don’t just ask the “what if’s”, I also take a lot of precautions. To help with money management, we use a budgeting app that tells us when we overspend, so we know to spend less the following month. I always triple-check that the doors are locked, the burners on the stove are off, and that the oven is not on. My wife says that I am crazy sometimes. But, on a rare occasion, I catch a door left unlocked, which is exactly why I check all the time. We still haven’t found a solution for pet injuries yet, but we just pray to God that they are safe and don’t get into trouble.
Good Troubleshooters
Not only do I assess the risk, but I also try to figure out what went wrong. I work as a data analyst, and the slightest difference—such as an extra comma—can take an extra afternoon to fix. At home, I spent hours watching Youtube videos trying to figure out how to repair the garage door just to make sure I didn't waste money hiring a repair person.
Don’t get me wrong, it also frustrates me when I don’t get the solution immediately. But, I try to use it as an opportunity to take a step back to breathe, think about the problem more on a macro level, and then come up with a plan for debugging. As my boss says, “There is a logical explanation to everything. We just don’t have the answer yet.” The way I see it, without taking the time to troubleshoot the situations, we will always be stuck in the same situations without a way to move forward.
Protective and Supportive of the Team
I am often the glue of my team. I love to engage in communication one-on-one or in small groups so that I can really get to know people. My teammates were surprised at first with how many details I remember about things that are going on in their lives, but now they have come to know that’s just how I show that I care.
I am protective of my team and anything that may happen to it. If anything goes wrong, I make sure to take the lead and pick up the broken pieces. Because I know my team so well, I know what my team members may be needing and do my best to fill in those gaps. On the flip side, when my team is thriving, I feel broken. I feel that there isn’t a place for me in the team anymore. Similarly, I am very protective of those who I call family and I bend over backward when they have any kind of need. Even if they do not ask for help, I like to find ways to be of support. For example, when my sister was not feeling well, I offered to cook dinner and clean her house for an evening.
When did you first learn you were Enneagram 6?
I found out about the enneagram about 2 years ago. My now-wife was learning about it and typed me as a five at first. A few months after that, we took the enneagram test for pre-marital counseling. It turned out I am a six with a strong five wing. When I found out about my number, my mindset on life suddenly made sense. The reason I am so pessimistic in life is just because I feel insecure and wish to find security.
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Six?
I think many people view sixes as being too cautious or Debbie-downers. They have their point sometimes, but taking a step back to assess the situation is very important to me because it is how I make sure that I am protected. It’s not that I am trying not to have a good time, but it’s a lot easier for me to enjoy myself when I feel like I have my bases covered and am prepared for what might go wrong.
I think making lists is also something about sixes that gets misunderstood. When I am stressed, I also make a lot of to-do lists. However, the lists only temporarily relieve my cognitive load; they don't solve the issue. Things can go wrong, and I need to know what can go wrong. The lists help me think through the issues logically, helping me feel ready for all possibilities.
Lastly, it is hard for me when people get annoyed or frustrated when I take longer to explain my idea or when I may talk in a roundabout way. When this happens I shut down and retreat because I feel that my ideas are not welcomed. I need to know that my thought process is understood, even if it is not the same as yours.
One thing you’re working on to grow beyond your type?
I can definitely be too cautious. My wife has helped me step out of my comfort zone in trying things that I deemed too dangerous. I’ve gone ziplining (the wooden platforms are janky), hiking (you can fall off of a cliff), learned how to drive (as our former pastor said, cars are just metal death traps.) While understanding the risks, and sometimes even hyperbolizing them, I am growing into becoming more okay with adventures. The world is a scary place, but instead of being paralyzed, I am understanding that I have been limiting myself.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Enneagram Type Nine: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Nines (Type 9s) are other-centered people who seek comfort and focus on pleasing others, aiming to ease conflict in their lives. This tendency can lead Nines to fall out of touch with their own emotions, especially with anger. Read about what it’s like being a Type Nine from therapist Lorren Penner.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In this post, fellow therapist, Lorren Penner, shares what it’s like to be a Type Nine.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
What does it mean to be an Enneagram Nine?
Lovers of Comfort
My “happy place” is a crystal-clear, glass-smooth lake surrounded by tall redwood trees that block out the noise from the rest of the world, making for a quiet, truly serene environment. I want so badly for my entire life experience to match that tranquil lake scene.
This leads me to do things such as ignore my own anger in an attempt to keep my inner lake from turning into a boiling hot spring. I might also stick my head underwater for a bit when I feel something unpleasant arising, in hopes that the disturbance will have passed by when I resurface.
Other times, I might stuff my desires away when they contradict someone else’s so that a stone of conflict is not thrown into my lake, causing ripples to spread across the entire surface. I like my life to be comfortable and peaceful, making any change difficult, even when it is something that I strongly desire.
Tendency to Merge
As a peacekeeper, it is so easy for me as an Enneagram 9 to go along with everyone one else in order to not stir the pot. It is so easy that I often forget to even stop and ask myself what I want - I tell myself that all I want is for those around me to be comfortable. If they are comfortable and at peace, I am comfortable and at peace.
It’s like that saying, “happy wife - happy life,” except for 9’s it’s more like, “happy partner, family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, grocer at the supermarket, and guy passing you on the street - happy life.” Just writing that out feels a bit exhausting, but that is how I can tend to spend most of my time if I am not making an effort to tune into my own experience.
It can feel so essential to me that the people around me are taken care of that I forget about the fact that I have feelings and needs as well. If how I feel or what I want goes against the feelings or desires of those I care about it feels incredibly risky to make that fact known.
What if I upset them when I disagree?
What if they cannot accept how I feel?
What if we cannot come to a compromise?
Will this state of disagreement/conflict last forever?
Can I handle that?
If I am completely honest, it is so easy for me to go to this space. And that is when I tend to merge with everyone else because possible negative consequences of being different feel too overwhelming.
Learning how to be more authentic myself, especially when that involves disagreeing with others has taken a lot of practice. Having safe people in my life to practice with has allowed me to discover the gift of being loved and accepted.
Passive Resistance
Just thinking about my own passive resistance makes me cringe! Enneagram 9’s are generally thought of as easy-going, understanding, patient, accommodating, and the like - which we are! But, we also have a very stubborn side to us, and it usually shows up in passive resistance.
Passive resistance is my way of not being controlled by others or made to do something that I do not want to do. I might not tell you “no” outright, but you will soon come to find out that whatever it is you were hoping to have me do is NOT going to happen. Just ask my husband, he’s unfortunately been on the receiving end of this behavior more than I would like to admit.
For me, this tends to show up as taking my time to respond to a question or situation, or not giving an answer at all. On the occasion that I do have to (or choose to) do whatever it is, it looks like carrying out the task in a way that will make you regret that you even asked. See why I cringed? It’s not easy admitting to this stuff!
It is so easy to tell myself that I am a loving person because I do so much to keep others happy. But all of the things I do or do not do in order to keep the peace are for my own selfish gain - to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings.
Living authentically and being in a true community with others very often requires facing uncomfortable things. I have had to learn how to do this first for myself before I could extend this gift to others in my life. Admitting when I feel angry, sad, hurt, embarrassed, or ashamed is so hard for me to do. But it is necessary if I want to avoid inflicting those same feelings on others, intentionally or not. Being honest about my “negative” feelings with myself first gives me the freedom to choose not to act out of passive aggression and instead choose authenticity.
When did you first learn you were Enneagram 9?
I became aware of the Enneagram about four years ago while I was working at a therapy center. Everyone there seemed to be talking about it and knew exactly what they were. It was hard for me to figure out my number at first. I took a few online tests and came up with different results at first, similar to other personality tests I had taken before such a Myers-Briggs. I could identify with aspects of each number and did not really know which one was most “me.”
Once I learned that 9’s tend to identify with all of the other numbers before they identify with themselves, I was pretty sure I was a 9 since that was exactly what I had been doing. I also strongly related to being a peacekeeper and could see that throughout my life I had taken on that role in almost every setting I had been a part of, sometimes at the expense of my own sense of self.
It really hit home for me that I was, in fact, a 9 when I learned about the 9’s tendency to avoid their own anger in order to maintain a sense of inner peace. I really did not want to admit that this is something that I do. “I am accepting of everyone and every feeling,” I told myself, but when I took a deeper look I saw that anger was actually something that I avoided like the plague. Whether it was my own anger, or someone else’s, I had convenient ways of tuning out or just removing myself from the situation.
I had heard that it is often through a dislike or denial of certain aspects of your number that you can confirm what you are. The 9’s relationship with anger and tendency toward sloth did that for me. The sloth part is still something I am in a bit of denial about!
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Nine?
Any little thing you do that might brush aside our preferences or ideas feels 10 times stronger than it may have been intended. Because we tend to live in a space of denying ourselves, when we are brushed aside it feels as if it really is best for the world that we do not have our own thoughts/feelings/desires. We need constant invitations and reminders to show up as ourselves and share our gifts/ideas/talents with the world. And we need you to be ok with us showing up as different than you.
We are not trying to be difficult when we say we don’t know - if we haven’t taken the time to really check in with ourselves we honestly don’t know how we are feeling or what we want or need. Our default mode is to be aware of all other perspectives and go along with everyone else. It is what feels like the best way to keep things calm and steady. We are not used to having our own agenda, so please be patient with us as we figure out what we want or how we feel.
It can be hard for us to recognize when we are tuning out our anger or acting in sloth, and we need you to be gentle with us when you call it out. It takes effort for us to connect with our own experience, and we can easily feel overwhelmed.
When we tune out or stop doing the things we need to do, we need a safe space to connect with ourselves and figure out the source of our overwhelm. A gentle acknowledgment of our experience when you see us acting out our overwhelm can help us move into processing it - harsh words will likely cause us to spiral deeper.
One Thing You’re Working on to Grow Beyond Your Type
I am working on being more tuned into myself so that I can live more authentically. I am trying to see this as a gift, not only to myself but to the world around me. When I can hold space for all of my feelings, including anger, I can choose how I want to show up in the world. When I can admit my feelings to myself and others I can have honest conversations that deepen and strengthen relationships rather than passively sabotaging them. If I am to be truly present as myself I have to include all of my feelings and desires.
Keeping the peace at the cost of showing up authentically with all of me is not really keeping the peace, it is putting up a facade. Things might look peaceful, and they might even feel that way for a bit, but the turmoil is still there.
In order to create true peace, I have to be brave and face the things that scare me. I have to accept that peace does not mean my inner lake is never disturbed, but that I can be ok even when the water gets rough.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Nervous System Health: Stuck On & Stuck Off
When traumatic events throw healthy nervous systems off track, we can get into “stuck on” and “stuck off” modes, making it hard to balance between relaxed and alert. When we’re stuck in these modes, we fall back to our habitual reactive patterns. This post can help you determine if your nervous system is stuck “on” or “off.”
Not 1 but 3 Brains
This might be new information, but we don’t have ONE brain, we actually have THREE BRAINS.
We have the thinking, executive brain that plans things makes executive decisions and implements them, and can think in the past or far ahead.
We have our feeling and emotional brain, which is very relational. It tunes into other people’s facial expresses and cues and responds accordingly. It’s also the part that holds our emotions and big events in our lives, both harsh and great.
Finally, we have the bottom part of the brain that’s reflexive, called “lizard brain” that regulates all regulated aspects of our being—the things we have no control over, like pupil dilation, heart rate, blood flow, etc.
Give all the things going on in the world, the country, in our local areas, within our relationships, I wouldn’t be surprised if our bodies are being bombarded with all kinds of stress that it doesn’t know how to decompress from. Our habits of thinking, feeling, and doing are on hyperdrive as our bodies are trying to cope and survive.
Healthy Nervous System
Smooth Flow
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
This is a visual of what happens within our nervous systems. We have what’s called a “Sympathetic Nervous System” (SNS) at the peak, which is the activity and energizing focus dedicated part of our nervous systems where we are alert in the day, we’re trying to get things done, and we’re active. We’re increasing in activity and arousal (stress).
Then we have another part of our nervous system called the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS), which is when our bodies are the opposite—more relaxed, grounded, slow, and deliberate. Imagine having a big Thanksgiving meal and feeling super groggy afterward because you’re in a food coma. That’s the parasympathetic kicking in.
Throughout a normal day, our nervous systems are supposed to be in this particular window (normal range) where there’s a smooth and easy flow between the Sympathetic Nervous System as we wake up in the morning, stay alert in the day, and then after 1 or 2 o’clock hits and you feel the crash coming where you need an extra cup of coffee. Then another burst of energy that slowly tapers off as we finish the work day, to return home, veg for a bit, then do something stimulating (watching TV, hanging out with friends) until it’s time to hit the sack.
On > Off > On > Off - a rhythm that repeats throughout the day in a smooth curve. That’s what’s supposed to help us stay present and connected, not in our reactive autopilots.
(Our Enneagram types reveal what our reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing are.)
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
Nervous System Overload
Spikes between “Stuck On” and “Stuck Off”
We’re generally supposed to stay in the normal range. However, when we experience a very harsh situation, either a single, acute event or a chronic series of lower-grade events, it overloads our nervous system and we don’t know how to decompress or heal from that. That’s when we jump into the Un-Discharged Traumatic Stress System.
We can compare the sympathetic to parasympathetic flow of the normal range to how the event (or series of events) overload the system. There’s TOO MUCH STRESS going on and it’s not discharged, which means it’s stuck in our bodies and doesn’t know where to go.
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
Some of us may switch into what’s called “STUCK ON” where our nervous systems are on hyperdrive. The sympathetic nervous system—which is the alert and activity part—kicks in really hard, where the person is spinning in anxiety, they’re trying to be really active and get onto tasks. These tend to be the folks who push themselves really hard, have a hard time settling, spin into being hypervigilant, are very irritable, have digestive issues, etc.
Then there are some of us who go down into the “STUCK OFF” position in our nervous system. The systems shut down. People get really slow and sluggish, they have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, they have a hard time focusing because it requires so much energy which they don’t feel like they have, there’s very low activity in the body, low blood pressure, etc.
Some of us might go to the “stuck on” where we go into hyperdrive too long, sometimes people stay in “stuck off” position too long where it’s hard to get ourselves to do anything, whereas some people oscillate between “stuck on” and “stuck off” while completely skipping over the normal range window.
Stuck ON/OFF and Reactive Autopilot
When our bodies are so overloaded, we can’t help but kick into our reactive modes. Our bodies are trying to cope, trying to survive, trying to get by, and early on in life, those habits were super useful. But when we’re adults, those patterns don’t work in the ways that they were intended anymore. Sometimes they generate problems, like being hyperfocused and hyperalert has been useful for some time, but sometimes a person might be really irritable in that place and then they get into a fight with their partner, and now there’s yet another thing they have to deal with. When you are within the normal range, you should recognize a sense of choices and options rather than default reactions.
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
The goal is to find ways to come back within the normal range. When someone is “stuck on,” the goal is to try to find ways to down-regulate. If you have a hard time relaxing, it’s about finding ways to simplify things, do things deliberately more slowly, find ways to switch breathing zones (deep, belly breathing instead of the top chest, rapid breathing).
Find out ways you can take care of yourself, especially through this very stressful time with the pandemic. Not only are we experiencing very acute stressors that are very intense and out of nowhere, but we are also experiencing low-grade chronic, drawn-out stressors as well.
If you find yourself resonating with these experiences, you’re NOT ALONE and you’re NOT BROKEN. There’s nothing wrong with you, but it does mean that you’re HUMAN and your limits are actually good. It’s telling you now’s the time to limit all that you’re carrying and focus back on YOURSELF. To help you focus on the self and discover strategies to return to the normal range, check out my blogging series on self-care.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Who is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?
The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who has the four distinctive traits DOES: (D) Depth of Processing, (O) Overstimulation, (E) Emotional Reactivity & Empathy, and (S) Sensitivity to Subtle Stimuli. HSPs help our society become more empathic, reflective, and interconnected. Learn more about life as an HSP and their specific needs.
Who are Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)?
I don’t know about you, but I have been told many, many times that I am just too damn sensitive because my mood changes very often, or I notice the slightest changes in lighting or notice lint on the ground, and I can’t “just get over it.” So I’m here to talk about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) trait, and I’ll describe the four main distinctive features of the HSP.
HSPs comprise 20% of the population. That’s a BIG amount of people. It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a problem. But a lot of the challenges that HSPs like myself face is that technically, we’re in the minority. We’re the minority in a country and a context that’s not very kind to minorities, so often HSPs feel very misunderstood. They feel judged and shamed because they don’t fit the mold for what the rest of the population tends to experience just fine.
D.O.E.S.: The 4 Traits of HSPs
The acronym D-O-E-S, these four letters correspond with the traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs. So they are:
D is for DEPTH of processing.
O is for OVERSTIMULATION
E is for EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY and EMPATHY
S is for SENSITIVITY to subtle stimuli
D: DEPTH of Processing
HSPs tend to take in a lot more quality and quantity of information from the world around them. Imagine a person being a blu-ray imaging in a DVD world. Compared to the vast majority of the population, HSPs take in far more stimuli like what’s happening, sensory information, emotional information.
Not only do they take in a lot more quality and quantity of data, but they also run that through a very fine sieve internally. They are very deliberate, very thoughtful, very reflective and it takes a while. Usually, you can’t just throw information at them; HSPs usually need some time away to process and digest everything. They’re not as speedy as some of the rest of y’all might want HSPs to be.
O: OVERSTIMULATION
Due to Depth of Processing, HSPs often get OVERSTIMULATED. Because of all the stimuli that’s taken in from the outside and all the churning that’s happening on the inside, HSPs get overwhelmed very easily. As a result, the nervous system tends to shut down more, causing HPSs to overwhelm easily. Their minds get very fogged, their eyes glaze over, they are very frazzled and irritable. This happens not necessarily because they are angry, but they are trying to take in and digest all the stuff their bodies have absorbed from around them.
To deal with this, HSPs may need to have some dedicated time in very low-stimuli environments—silence, solitude, and stillness. They need to get away from all the noise and all the people. For myself, after a long day, I need to take a good 10-15 minutes with the lights off, in my room, by myself, under a weighted blanket. It helps my body come back online. So if HSPs withdraw, it might not necessarily be because they don’t want to talk to you, it might be because they are overwhelmed.
E: EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY + EMPATHY
I mentioned HSPs take in a lot of outside information. Part of that information is around EMOTIONS. Because they notice subtleties in facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, they’re able to pick up on the emotional cues of other people. This is not something they do on purpose. It’s very reflexive; it happens without them knowing it. But because they are attuned to the emotional feelings of other people, they might feel feelings about other people’s emotions, not just because they might sense some of the pain they are experiencing, but because if they see an angry or grumpy expression in someone else, their own nervous system starts responding accordingly.
Not only that, HSPs tend to be very reflective internally, so they can even notice the nuances in their own emotional experiences. Sometimes HSPs can have feelings about their own feelings, so they may find themselves in an emotional feedback loop. They start looking internally, and the more they focus on the different nuances of emotions, they build up like a snowball. All this focus on the details starts amplifying themselves, which is why HSPs are often seen as being very sensitive or very emotional.
S: SENSITIVITY to Subtle Stimuli
If you think about the 5 senses — sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing — HSPs pick up on those really readily. This is a great thing in some instances, like they are very good with the arts or aesthetics because they have a dedicated focus on making sure things are in good harmony or aligned well. This can also backfire, like noticing the scratchy tags on the back of the shirt or being really bothered that a particular picture frame is out of alignment, etc. The sensitivity can be a double-edged sword.
Resources for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Remember the 4 traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs, D-O-E-S (Depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity and empathy, and sensitivity to subtle stimuli). If all these 4 things (to varying degrees) resonate with you, there’s a good chance you might be a Highly Sensitive Person. Again, this is not a diagnosis. And HSPs are also different from each other, so you’ll resonate with these things on a spectrum.
The reason it’s important for people to know whether or not they are HSPs is because the things that the rest of the world needs for themselves as non-HSPs don’t always apply to HSPs. Being an HSP in a non-HSP-dominant environment presents some very difficult circumstances. I live in the Silicon Valley in the United States, and there is a high emphasis on being the best or having things be bigger, better, louder, faster. Those are values that don’t often align with the HSP trait. So, if that same person were to live in Japan or another country that is very HSP-friendly, those people will be celebrated, whereas, in this environment, they might have a really hard time.
Find out what your specific needs are because they MATTER. It’s just because they are often misunderstood, it may take a little bit longer for you. If you’re interested in HSPs, you can check out my resource page for HSPs or pick up a copy of the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, which is a fantastic resource. She also wrote some books that specifically serve HSP children and being in love as an HSP or with an HSP.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Enneagram Type One: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Ones (Type 1s) often live life according to their strong inner values, with an inner critic to point out the gap between their ideals and reality to prompt improvement. Read about what it’s like being a Type One from Josh, who helps high school students find their way forward.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In this post, my husband Josh, a teacher and academic dean at a private high school, has written about Type 1.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What does it mean to be an Enneagram 1?
IDEALIST
On a good day, Type 1’s can find a lot of delight. When you get something just right, and things work out, the high is so good.
It’s not just for themselves! Seeing others gain (in a way that aligns with our personal ideals) is also rewarding.
Good days can be rare because life doesn’t work like that very often.
LOUD INNER CRITIC
The inner critic kicks in. For some of us, it lashes out at ourselves before turning its frustration on the rest of the world. You might see it show up as imposter syndrome, defensiveness, complaint, anger, and more. It highlights the gap between the perfect and imperfect. We might find ourselves despairing at the infinite chasm between what is and what could be.
At a glance, you might identify us as rule-followers. For me, that’s never been a good enough descriptor. We have strong inner values that we’re trying to uphold. It may or may not line up with the rules. It may or may not be coherent, depending on our maturity. But you can bet there’s something we’re trying to live up to.
As a result, we’re frequently driven into journeys of self-improvement. It’ll happen for big life changes or small, daily tasks. These endeavors take us to places we might want to share with you if you are important to us. It might, at times, also be overbearing to be on the receiving end of that. (I’m working on it!)
When did you first learn you were Enneagram Type One?
My wife, Joanne, introduced me to the Enneagram framework and had me take a test. To be honest, my Type 1-ness has never been a surprise to anyone.
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Ones?
Sometimes we are so focused on ideals that we forget who we were trying to serve in the first place. But Type 1’s can be very caring, even among the most cynical members of our type. We have trouble expressing care on a personal level while we dwell on bigger picture things. (I can recall circumstances where I have chosen to turn off my feelings so I can focus on something I’ve deemed more important than myself.)
“Getting it right” can mean two things. One is maximizing the benefits for all. When things work as they should, life is good.
I hate admitting this, but here goes. Getting it right also makes us unassailable. We’re sensitive to criticism, and perfection (falsely) protects us.
When I observe fellow Type 1’s being particularly critical, I flinch at how the other 8 types will take their words. After that, I cringe at how that Type 1’s inner voice must sound. Your words can sting us, but it’s hard to find a voice worse than our inner critic.
As a result, when we’re down, we can seem impossible to soothe. In our own heads, the inner critic seems well-reasoned and thought out.
From experience, I find that the inner critic needs to be disarmed before we’re ready to hear words of affirmation and encouragement.
One thing you're working on to grow beyond your type
I’m working on chilling out.
It includes laughing off mistakes, letting things break, and reminding myself that the world and its people are more resilient than I give it credit for.
It means showing grace to everyone, including myself.
Even more daunting is to hold my ideals with a looser grip because while I believe there is a standard right and wrong, there are many beautiful ways to get it right.
(As I type this out, it occurs to me that I can appropriate the perspectives of Types 2-9 and break the mold altogether. Is that very Type 1 of me?)
Regardless of the path, I want to learn to enjoy the process along the way and celebrate the victories on the way to my ideals. At the very least, even when I fall short, I’ll be a lot more bearable to be around!
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this Resonate?
How Do I Find My Enneagram Type?
The Enneagram is a powerfully comprehensive yet compact resource that reveals the “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you discover your Enneagram type!
The Enneagram is a powerfully comprehensive yet compact resource that reveals the “autopilot” ways we experience and respond to life events. Let’s figure out how to find your Enneagram type!
These nine Enneagram types (named “Type 1” to “Type 9”) describe nine reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating. These personality types helped people navigate through life experiences, especially ones where we did indeed need coping because we were truly limited in ability, resources, and opportunity (e.g., our childhood).
As we physically grow, our autopilots don’t upgrade with us. This means that what used to help us cope can sometimes even cause problems because there is a MISMATCH between what’s actually happening and what our personalities perceive is happening.
Thus, becoming healthy involves working ourselves OUT of our reactive patterns, so that we can engage and respond to present situations for what they actually need, not just what we’re used to.
Since our coping patterns are designed to stay automatic and invisible, knowing exactly what our reflexes look like can help us catch ourselves in the (re)act(vity) and deliberately choose into wiser ways of being.
Knowing our own Enneagram type and subtype can expedite this process.
(If you want to know what the nine types are, check out this series!)
How to Identify Your Enneagram Type + Subtype
Here are the resources I actually use in my therapy/coaching sessions to help people find their type. These resources (podcast, Youtube, books) are by Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes, who are my Enneagram teachers and whose Professional Enneagram Certification Track I am currently going through.
(1) Listen to the Enneagram 2.0 podcast, Ep. 1
This episode is a general introduction of the nine Enneagram types.
Notice whichever types you have the strongest emotional/physical reaction to. Narrow down to the Top 2 types you most resonate with.
For example, I might resonate most strongly with Types 1 and 4.
(2) Listen to Ep. 4
The Enneagram type speaks to WHY people do what they do. Subtypes reveal WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and HOW we do the WHY.
This episode is an introduction of the 27 Enneagram subtypes that are formed when we combine the 9 types with 3 subversions: Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual.
Listen to all 27 subtypes, tuning more carefully into the Top 2 types you’ve narrowed before. Identify which subtype you most resonate with per Top 2 type.
For example, of Types 1 and 4, I resonate with:
Type One: Social > Self-Preservation > Sexual
Type Four: Self-Preservation > Social > Sexual
(3) Meet an Enneagram Professional to confirm your type and subtype
As an Enneagram Professional, I have been trained by Beatrice and Uranio to do a formalized typing interview process, which further explores the behind-the-scene motivations that go with what you naturally do without trying.
Normally the interview itself can be from 1-1.5 hours long, but if you’ve done Steps 1 and 2, we can shorten this process.
In this session, you can process:
What your type/subtype means
How it shows up in your life for better and for worse, and
What you can do going forward with this information
NOTE: This step is completely optional. Some people prefer to just stick with the other steps because it's completely free; these sessions are according to my hourly rate.
The main downside with the DIY route is that sometimes it can be difficult sometimes to identify one's type for three reasons:
Lookalikes
Lookalike subtypes may do the same behaviors but for different reasons.
For example, the Self-Pres Four may look like Ones, Twos, Threes, Fives, Sixes, Sevens, or Nines depending on what the other instincts are.
It took me a year and a half to realize that this is my type!! It would have taken me longer if I didn’t know about subtypes.
Countertypes
One of the 3 subtypes is known as a "countertype", which operates in the OPPOSITE direction of how a type generally is. The growth steps typically recommended to each type goes the OPPOSITE direction for the countertype.
As a Self-Pres Four, I’m supposed to practice being MORE emotionally expressive, not less (as would be the case for Social and Sexual Fours).
Most Enneagram enthusiasts aren't familiar with the subtype system because it's relatively new in Enneagram literature.
Societal norms and pressures
Many people may THINK that they’re a certain type because of stereotypes or cultural expectations.
For example, many (Christian, POC) women may FEEL that they’re a Type 2 because of how Twos are often described (caring, compassionate, emotional) to find out that they’re in fact Social Eights or Self-Preservation Sixes.
The typing interview may be of benefit to those who prefer having someone walk through the typing process with them and/or those who are unsure of certain dynamics. If you’re pretty sure from Steps 1 and 2 what your type/subtype is, you may carry on to Steps 4-6.
(4) Read the Ultimate PDF Guides for your Top 2 choices for type.
These guides, developed by Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy, offer quick yet detailed information on each type, including key traits, common behavior patterns, and each of the 3 subtypes per type.
(5) WATCH the Youtube Enneagram Panel with Beatrice Chestnut
On each panel, you’ll hear from individuals who resonate with each subtype so you can learn more of what the type looks like, sounds like, and feels like from the inside. You will better notice the differences between each subtype.
This is especially important for people who resonate with Types 4 and 6, because the variation between those subtypes are SO GREAT that the subtypes may as well be their own distinct types. Similar motivations, but VERY different expressions.
(6) Get a copy of Beatrice Chestnut's books
*I may benefit from the Amazon links below. You may also search on Amazon yourself!
(7) BOOK an ENNEAGRAM therapy or coaching session
Because of the nature of our autopilots, we might KNOW what we do and even WHY, but still feel helpless to DO anything about it. Working with an Enneagram professional (especially ones trained by Beatrice and Uranio) may help you more effectively break through rigid patterns because you’re better able to:
See what your patterns look like as you’re autopiloting
Catch yourself during or not long after you’ve reacted, and
Shift course to how you’d LIKE to respond (if you haven’t reacted already) or repair (if you have) ruptured situations or relationships
Check out the blog series on the different Enneagram types:
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this Resonate?
Life Timeline: A Bird's-Eye View of Your Life
As a follow-up exercise to the Top 10 Best/Worst Memories List, the Life Timeline helps you visually see what larger periods of your life were like and recognize what kinds of needs were and weren’t met.
Emotions Running into the Present
In my last blog post, Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life, we discussed how to identify common emotional themes in a Top 10 Memory List. This list will be helpful for the Life Timeline activity.
Like the Top 10 List, the Life Timeline will help us discover common themes among our strongest emotional memories, but in a visual form.
Refer to your own Top 10 List, like the example below for this activity.
How to Create a Life Timeline
Draw a horizontal line on paper and plot years on this line in increments of 2 to 5 years. This is the base of your Life Timeline.
Using your Top 10 Best Memory List, plot the positive memories (green) ABOVE the timeline.
From Top 10 Worst Memories List, plot the negative memories (orange) BELOW your timeline.
Then, plot the neutral life events (blue) in the middle, such as moving, the birth of a family member, or beginning college.
Evaluating the Life Timeline
As with your Top 10 Memory List, identify common themes that cut through various memories with a bird’s-eye view.
What themes stand out to you? (e.g., “When problems arise, I feel I have no one to turn to.”)
Did some of your best and worst memories take place around any neutral life events?
Did some of your best and worst memories happen during specific periods of your life? (e.g., during childhood or college.)
What underlying emotions or reactions emerge from these memories?
Which periods were generally positive? Which were generally difficult?
Do you notice any familiar patterns? (e.g., loneliness, work-related stress, etc.)
Are any people in your life connected to these patterns?
Now that you’ve considered the themes and patterns of your Life Timeline, color code the periods of your life that have a generally positive or negative emotional undercurrent. Which two or three emotions would you use to describe these periods?
Untying the Emotional Knots
The Life Timeline allows us to visualize some of our most pivotal memories by stretching them over our lives, connecting them to ages and other life events. This visual, bird’s-eye view helps us reconnect seemingly isolated memories into the emotional undercurrent of our lives. As we become more aware of how emotions tie into our memories, we can better anticipate our emotional responses to new events as they arise.
What you feel indicates what you need in order to untie these difficult emotional knots. Identifying these rigid patterns is the first step to clarifying your needs, which makes it easier to get them met. Refer to your discoveries today and allow them to guide you into creating a better future. Now that you’ve defined some of your needs, impactful moments, and emotional undercurrents, we can determine how these build into your behaviors, and how the behaviors of yourself and others in your life can be safe or unsafe. The “Safe People” blog will help gauge your connections and provide a foundation for healthy relationships.
How does your family of origin experiences & patterns shape how you live & love today?
Wanna map out your relationship dynamics as influenced by your family of origin? Check out this blog about genograms, the family tree’s fancy cousin that has so much more info than just who’s who!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life
Learn how to create and use the Top 10 Best/Worst Memory list so that you can better understand how the past influences your present and thereby intentionally design a better future.
The Past is Still Alive
Key moments and memories from years (even decades ago) can still influence our emotions, relationships, and self-esteem today. Memories build into the fabric of our lives, and while we likely interpret memories as “good” or “bad,” we are not always able to identify the themes behind those memories and discover which events could be causing trauma, anxiety, or other difficult emotions. This is where a Top 10 List comes in.
What is a Top 10 List?
The purpose of the Top 10 List is to view these memories as part of a whole rather than random, isolated moments in our lives. Odds are that many of your best memories and worst memories have similar underlying currents that still affect your emotions and relationships in present day. Once you’ve written out what may seem like independent, unrelated events on a single sheet of paper, you may be able to better see the common threads that are still being woven today, whether you like it or not.
For this activity, divide a lined piece of paper into two columns. On the left side, list your Top 10 Best Memories; on the right side, list your Top 10 Worst Memories. Jot just a line or two—enough for you to understand what the memory is—and list the age that this memory occurred. No need to write an essay about each memory - we only need a Table of Contents for your life to use as a reference guide.
Look at the example chart below to help jumpstart your own Top 10 lists. These memories might be about connection, breakups, leisure, achievements, loss, disappointments, etc. Give yourself enough time to explore your positive and negative emotions. You can jot these memories in a notebook or use the downloadable PDF chart.
How to Evaluate Your Memories
After making your list, see if you can identify some common themes among them.
What themes stand out? (e.g., “Even if I mess up, someone always has my back.”)
What seems to matter the most to you? (e.g., success, relationships, money, self-reliance)
Are there common emotions associated with these memories?
What are the positive emotions (e.g., pride, belonging, connection)?
What are the negative emotions (e.g., failure, shame, guilt)?
What pained you the most?
What did you need that you didn’t get? (e.g., comfort, rest, friendship)
What are some familiar patterns you’ve found yourself in? (e.g., friendship fallouts, loneliness, thwarted projects)
Now, think about how these emotions and themes carry into the present. Do these themes trigger you emotionally? For example, if many of your worst memories tie in with you failing, it wouldn’t be surprising that the fear of disappointing others still has a strong presence in your life today in your professional life, personal relationships, etc.
The Future is Not Yet Set: What Now?
The Top 10 List gives you a bird's eye view of your life so that, informed by your life narrative, you can intentionally weave the future in alignment with your wants and needs.
Now that you know what you know about yourself, what would you like to do differently going forward? Keep the same?
What are some stubborn patterns in your life that seem to repeat against your will? What do you need to do to get unstuck?
The first step at working through these knots is identifying the common threads as revealed by your emotions since what you FEEL reveals what you NEED. Then, you can take this to the next level and visualize these feelings and needs in the Life Timeline.
As you move forward this month, notice which emotions are stirred up, because the present is simultaneously the past in the making and a chance to design the future.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How Does Brainspotting Work?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a way to jumpstart our bodies’ natural ability to process experiences reactive emotional experiences like anxiety, depression, overwhelm, and shame, heal from trauma, and enhance significant relationships. Learn how Brainspotting works, and what benefit Brainspotting therapy may offer you so that you can feel grounded and present to engage life to the fullest.
In my other post, I described what Brainspotting (BSP) is: a way to jumpstart our bodies’ natural ability to process experiences and heal.
That all sounds good, but how exactly does it work?
Where You Look Affects How You Feel
Have you ever noticed where your eyes go when you’re thinking about something painful? Joyful? Sad?
Try thinking of a recent event that was somewhat upsetting (don’t think of the biggest painful event - pick something smaller for the purpose of this exercise).
What thoughts come up?
What emotion do you feel right now?
Where do you feel that emotion in your body?
Where are you looking?
What happens when you look to the left? Middle? Right? Up? Down? Does the body/emotional experience become heightened? Dampened? Move/change?
For me, when I’m reflecting on a past event that’s tinged with sadness, my eyes tend to look to my bottom left. When I’m excited or angry and ready to engage something head on, I tend to look to the dead-center. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I tend to stare off into the distance to my top left.
What is a Brainspot?
Brainspots are the eye positions that give you more direct access to the emotions/body sensations (for better or for worse). Everyone has Brainspots for different emotional states (and corresponding thoughts/beliefs) or for various processing experiences. Our Brainspots aren’t particularly fixed - I can feel sadness when I’m looking elsewhere, too, but it’s just that I tend to more immediately connect to that emotional state when I’m looking in that direction.
When processing through a particular event (e.g., the death of my pet), my Brainspot can change locations depending on what specifically I am sorting through in that particular moment (i.e., I should have spent more time with her, I miss her, what would things be like now? She’s not in pain anymore, so she’s okay now).
Once I find a Brainspot and allow myself to just notice whatever thoughts, emotions, body sensations to come and go, eventually the emotional charge will dissipate because I will have fully processed it. (Mind you, I am better practiced in Brainspotting, so you might not be able to easily do this by yourself.)
Whatever might have been initially upsetting would shift into something more soothing/grounding. Instead of being knocked off balance from having been triggered, I would be able to be more calm and ready to engage whatever is ACTUALLY happening in front of me, not what I THINK or FEEL is happening.
Intentionally noticing where our eyes go when we’re reflecting on something (vs. accidentally finding ourselves doing so) and dedicating focused attention on it until we fully process that experience is what Brainspotting Therapy is about.
Can’t I Just Do Brainspotting By Myself?
It’s entirely possible for us to do Brainspotting on our own. This is called Self-Brainspotting (duh).
Gazespotting (the thousand-mile stare) is one example of Self-Brainspotting, though a lot of people might find themselves accidentally doing it and getting caught in the emotional whirlpool that amplifies their reactions.
For more mild discomforting experiences (feeling jittery about your upcoming interview), experimenting with the steps listed above, then finding an eye position that you can “massage out” the “emotional knot” with might be enough for you to move forward.
However, there is a risk to this: Once you open that barrel, you might find that there’s more stuff tangled up with it that you might not be able to handle by yourself. Once the barrel’s opened, you might not be able to close it easily until everything in there is cleared out.
If you sense that this might be the case for you, it would be best for you to connect with a Brainspotting-trained therapist who can help you process the heavy-duty stuff and can also train you how to safely do it on your own (when appropriate).
Why Brainspotting Therapy?
Imagine that processing significant experiences is like deep water diving. The further down the diver swims (into their nonconscious/subcortical brain), the darker the water gets and the harder it becomes to tell which side is up. When people get triggered, they feel disoriented because the past messily spills into the present.
Deep diving is still necessary to dig through the shipwreck remains (process painful experiences) and excavate lost treasure (gain fresh perspectives and healing), but in order for the diver to go deeper more effectively (and make it back unscathed), they need another person to be sitting in the boat on the surface who’s trained to reliably pull the diver out when it’s time or when things get risky. That person is the Brainspotting therapist.
Sometimes, the sheer knowledge that there’s someone sitting on the boat watching out for their wellbeing may infuse the diver with greater peace and courage to dive even more deeply than they would doing it alone.
What Does Brainspotting Therapy Involve?
In a typical talk therapy session, the client usually shares about whatever they’re experiencing, with the therapist asking questions, supporting them in enhancing self-insight, reframing perspectives, or teaching new skills. However, the benefits of talk therapy can be limited if the client gets so emotionally triggered outside of session that they forget whatever they learned in session.
Brainspotting Therapy involves the therapist intentionally giving space for the client to process out emotional reactions as they come up in session, instead of just talking about them.
For example, if the client is feeling a knot in their stomach at the thought of giving a presentation, the Brainspotting therapist asks them to notice what thoughts, emotions, and body sensations they’re feeling now, then prompts them to find a specific Brainspot/eye position where the client feels it all more directly.
Once the Brainspot is found, the client directs their full attention on whatever is happening inside of them, while the therapist directs their full attention on the client from the outside. The Brainspotting process continues until the client has fully processed the issue or until session time comes to an end.
Since Brainspotting is a subcortical, deep-brained rapid processing method, the client may feel emotionally exhausted afterwards (think of each Brainspotting experience as equivalent to 10+ talk therapy sessions!). The client’s body will also likely be continuing processing for whatever else is left. In the following session, the therapist checks in on what emotional residues seem to remain with the topic, and continue Brainspotting as needed or desired.
What comes next?
Stop getting caught in the emotional whirlpool!
If you’ve tried and felt frustrated with regular talk therapy, or if you’re finding yourself getting triggered often, Brainspotting Therapy might be right for you.
If you’re in California, let’s see if you and I might be a good fit!
If you’re still unsure about Brainspotting therapy and want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting is a brain-based processing method similar to EMDR that channels the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding specific eye positions (Brainspots) linked to unprocessed stress experiences stored in the brain and letting the body “detox”.
Thousand-Mile Stare
You may have seen people stare off blankly into space, deeply reflecting on something or being emotionally detached from what’s happening around them. They're not really looking AT anything, in particular but just off into the distance in that general direction. Their eyes are directed outward, but their focus is directed inward. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is attempting to process through a memory with the emotions and thoughts related to it.
When we see others doing this, we often wonder, "Are they okay?" and shake them out of it. Sometimes, we might be hurt or offended and say, "Are you listening to me?" because it seems like they're not (to be fair, they probably aren't, so it's okay for you to feel hurt). In shaking the person back to reality, they might be able to "come back" to the present to engage whatever is in front of them (i.e., continue the conversation, work, drive).
However, THAT they're spacing out isn't bad per se. THAT they're often in a daze or daydreaming might indicate that their body is needing an intentional regular space to sort through their internal experiences. The issue is they might:
Do it at the wrong time or at the wrong place (e.g., in the middle of work)
Accidentally further upset themselves and make reactive decisions that make matters worse (e.g., they get triggered at work, ruminate on it throughout the day, become more upset, then come home and kick the dog).
Their bodies are TRYING to take care of themselves but are unsuccessful at it. During these times, they probably need someone else who’s steady and grounded to serve as an anchor as they're doing a deep dive into their unconscious. They need someone who's trained to be attuned to them, not interfere with their processing, and pull them back to the surface when it's time.
For these individuals, Brainspotting therapy would be a great resource for them.
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a brain-based processing method that taps into the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that often generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding the specific eye positions that directly connect to where unprocessed stress is stored in the brain so that the body can “detox”.
Brainspotting directly accesses our “lower brain” where emotionally charged experiences are stored, far out of reach of the thinking “higher brain.” By doing so, we can process them more deeply and rapidly than we might with traditional talk therapy or with reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning useful skills.
Our bodies pick up stimuli (body sensations, emotions, information, etc.) throughout the day that is supposed to get processed often when we’re in deep sleep (REM cycle) but also when we’re in a reflective, meditative trance-like state (intentionally thinking about something and feeling the emotions that come with it).
However, when we experience something that’s too new, too scary, or too overwhelming, that overloads our bodies’ natural ability to process and heal. These stimuli can get “stuck” in our bodies in splintered form, waiting until the conditions are right in the future for us to deliberately process them. Unfortunately, most people aren’t practiced in going back to process old things, so these old things just sit there, pile up, and fester until something new happens that dumps all that old, past unprocessed stuff into the present and makes things messier. This is what being triggered means.
Think of it as what happens when we have leftovers: because we can’t finish the meal in one sitting, we save it for later. A lot of times, many of us forget that we have leftovers to finish, and we find out only when we open the fridge to see that there’s no more room or when things start to smell.
Brainspotting jumpstarts the body’s natural processing mechanism to sort out the old stuff into different piles:
What to keep (long-term memory)
What to process (emotions associated with past events that need to be experienced/expressed)
What to throw away (old perspectives, irrelevant details)
Afterwards, the “fridge” gets cleared out so that there’s more room to take in new things. When the old stuff is fully processed, the person won’t be triggered as often or intensely, thereby becoming able to be fully present to engage whatever’s in front of them, respond accordingly, and perhaps even to enjoy the moment.
How Do I Sign Up?
If you find yourself often:
getting stuck on a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and memories
lashing out at others and having to apologize later
staring off into space or daydreaming, when you really need to pay attention
having trouble focusing or remembering things
procrastinating and beating yourself up for it
easily getting knocked off emotional balance
feeling like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, or overreaction is a daily reality
…then Brainspotting Therapy might be a good fit for you.
If you’re in California, let’s work together!
Learn how Brainspotting works in a related post!
If you want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Make a Genogram - ft. Ross Geller (FRIENDS)
A genogram is an important tool for self-awareness, personal growth, and relationship development. Create your map that shows where you’re from so that you can decide what kind of relationships you want to create going forward.
Want to make your own genogram?
Get the Canva or Google Slides template here!
To use these graphics for presentations or personal use or to create your own genogram, purchase the graphics & Canva/Google Slides template above.
Missing Parts of Your Family Tapestry
Despite the value of individualism that Western societies so pride themselves in, no one was born in a vacuum. If someone has anxiety and depression, society often sees them to be an individual issue that therefore needs an individual solution (such as medications or “Just get over it’s”). A genogram can help make sense of all that.
Chances are that what the person is dealing with is ALSO a systemic issue. The person’s significant relationships and the environment they grew up in (family, neighborhood, culture, religion, etc.) have likely majorly influenced how the person experiences, understands, and expresses anxiety and depression and how others have responded to the individual.
A person who grew up as a latchkey, only child whose parents were rarely home because of work, addictions, or any other situation might not have had the emotional attunement and coaching needed to understand their own feelings and know what to do with them. Having been so accustomed to being alone, they might have their survival mode set to “Numb”, which may have significant implications in future relationships and mental, emotional, and physical health.
This is NOT to say that our childhood experiences absolutely determine who we become when we grow up. Nevertheless, to consider one’s own experiences apart from significant environmental factors would be like trying to complete a puzzle with less than half the pieces. You ain’t gonna get that far.
So Why the Genogram?
A genogram is an important tool for self-awareness, personal development, and relationship development. It can reveal how a person’s experiences today make sense in the larger context of their family-of-origin and past experiences.
A genogram is the Family Tree 3.0: not only does it reveal who’s who in the family, but it also is rich in information about:
major events
(e.g., war, immigration, 9/11) that may have left a deep impact on the individuals and/or the family,cultural factors
race experiences, immigration, religion, sexism, homophobiamental health issues
(e.g., anxiety, bipolar disorder)medical conditions
(e.g., diabetes, cancer)traumas
(e.g., sexual abuse, sudden deaths, miscarriage)addictions
(e.g., alcohol, work, pornography, substance, sex, ministry, shopping)relationship dynamics:
closeness, distance, conflict, enmeshment, cut-off,the role played in the family
(e.g., the Hero, the Victim, the Clown, the Lost Child)
*Scroll down for instructions on how to make a genogram.
Genogram Example:
Ross Geller from Friends
To use these graphics for presentations or personal use or to create your own genogram, purchase the graphics & Canva/Google Slides template below.
Ross, age 36, is a man who is the older brother of Monica who is two years junior. The brunt of negative attention from his mother Judy (who herself had been criticized by her own mother) fell on his sister, who learned to (overly) exert control on all areas of her own life: her eating, her work, her environment, and her relationships.
Due to the very obvious favoritism Ross received from both of his parents, his relationship with Monica has been fraught with competition all throughout childhood and even somewhat in present day. Favored as the Golden Child all his life, Ross could do no wrong in his parents’ (and his own) eyes.
A lifetime’s worth of practice of being the center of attention and the Smart Alec/Know-it-All set Ross up for several rude awakenings as is revealed in his marital history. Four years into being married, his first wife Carol (the mother of his son, Ben) came out as lesbian and ended the marriage to pursue a relationship with Susan. Though his relationship with Carol is harmonious enough today as they’re coparenting their son, this was definitely not a part of Ross’ plan for his life.
Neither were his next two divorces. As a part of his decade-long, hot-and-cold relationship with his high school crush and current (and third) wife Rachel, Ross’ marriage with Emily was DOA when he blurted out Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s at the altar.
What ensued was a string of failed dating relationships and a drunk Vegas marriage with Rachel that resulted in his third (and hopefully final) divorce when the exasperated judge denied an annulment. With this, Ross the Golden Child became “The Three Divorces Guy.” Though he and Rachel remarried after they had their daughter Emma, this is still a sore spot topic for him.
Today, Ross is trying to learn how to navigate his experience with shame and to build healthier relationship dynamics.
How to Make Your Genogram
Preview:
Draw the Family Tree - draw out all the members in your family for 3-4 generations.
Name the Players - add any relevant info about family members (age, role, marital status, personality, trauma).
Determine the Relationship - add info about significant relationship dynamics between family members.
Update as Needed - periodically check for shuffled family roles or shifted relationship dynamics.
Step 1: Draw the Family Tree
Draw a sketch of all the members of your family for 3-4 generations:
Generation 1: Your Grandparents
Generation 2: Your Parents and Their Siblings
Generation 3: Yourself, Your Siblings, Important Cousins (optional: Your Spouse)
Generation 4 (optional): Your Children and Important Nieces/Nephews Genograms can utilize various symbols and colors to depict useful information.
Here are the basic symbols indicating different individuals for two generations (parent and child):
Children are placed beneath their parents, with a line stemming from the parents' family line. Children should be listed from left to right, oldest to youngest.
Step 2: Name the players
List the names of the significant family members. Write down or use the key symbols below to indicate any important information about each of person:
Age
Marital status
Living/deceased:
If deceased, put an “X” over the person’s symbol. Indicate reason if not from old age (e.g., cancer, car accident, suicide, overdose)Profession
Personality:
2-3 word descriptions, Enneagram type, strengths, etc.Cultural details:
Ethnicity, religion, etc.Trauma or other major events
Mental/emotional illnesses
Medical conditions
Addictions
Substance, work, sex, etc.
Step 3: Determine the Relationship
Using the symbols above, illustrate the quality of relationships between key family members.
Feel free to make your own symbols as needed to add any information that may be relevant.
Here is a summary template of what a generic genogram may look like:
Step 4: Update Genogram as Needed
As time goes on, the relationship or life statuses will undergo changes.
You may learn more about yourself and your family through having conversations with family members or looking at old photos.
With fresh(er) eyes, you may see the relationship dynamics between members that was likely there for a long time but was invisible to you until now.
When a major family event happens (e.g., the aunt who was the pillar of your mom’s family passes away), you may notice that there is a shuffle of family roles and a shifting of relationship dynamics.
Update your genogram from time to time. If you are in or are thinking about getting some individual, couples, or family therapy for yourself, feel free to share this with your therapist.
Reflection Questions:
When you’re done updating your genogram, see your family from a bird’s eye view and consider these questions:
What stands out to you?
Notice what you notice. There’s probably a good reason why this is catching your attention now!What emotions are you feeling right now?
What reactions are you having? (It’s OKAY for you to feel whatever you’re feeling. Your body is trying to digest this new information.)How has your family dealt with emotions or pain? (overdid it, underdid it, was comfortable with it.)
How do you deal with your/others’ emotions or pain?
How is your past showing up in your present?
Are there any familiar patterns that resemble what you grew up with?What are some generational blessings & burdens that have been passed down?
What burdens would you like to end with your generation? (CHANGE)
What blessings would you like to pass on to your children? (CONTINUE)What feels important for you to focus on for the next half year?
(e.g., exploring an unfamiliar part of your family, processing hurts from family, repairing strained relationships)
Next Steps
If you’re finding that you’re experiencing a surge of intense emotions (anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, anger), that’s totally normal. It’s OKAY for you to feel your feelings and also not know what you’re supposed to do next. This is all a part of your process of reconnecting with yourself, knowing who and how you are, healing old wounds, and growing into the person you want to become.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and would like support with this, you might benefit from individual therapy, where you can sort through all the thoughts, memories, emotions, and experiences that are spilling out.
(Couples and family therapy are legit options, too, but the tricky thing is that the other parties also need to have buy-in for the process to be beneficial.)
Need help creating your genogram?
If you’re needing help creating a genogram, schedule here for a one-off genogram coaching session.
(NOTE: this is NOT therapy - we won’t be doing any emotional or trauma processing).
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How Online Therapy Can Help
Grab a blanket, your favorite cup of coffee, and a journal! When social distancing and quarantine are the ways to keep yourself and loved ones safe from coronavirus (COVID-19), online therapy can help you get care and support in the comfort of your home.
How Online Therapy Can Help in the Time of Coronavirus
In light of the major disruptions that COVID-19 caused on all levels of society, anxiety levels have gone through the roof. Uncertainty surrounding the future, physical health, loved ones’ well-being, social life, finances, and even groceries puts great pressure on our mental, emotional, and relational health.
As we are all experiencing the effects of social distancing and shelter-in-place, now is the time to consider whether online therapy might be right for you. (Phone sessions also count as what’s called Telehealth.)
If you’ve only done in-person sessions:
Online therapy does involve some adjusting. Naturally, your brain is used to being in the same room as your therapist, but usually 1-3 sessions is all you need until your body gets the hang of it. Before you even know it, you’re able to process just as well as before, if not more deeply because you’re in your own space.
The room has changed, but your therapist has not. Your therapist can still follow you well, paying close attention to what you say (or don’t) with words and nonverbal cues.
If this is your first time in therapy:
Imagine doing FaceTime with a close friend. How do you feel talking to them about what you’re doing through? It might still be scary, but if they responded well enough in the past, you may have enough courage to share a bit more. After you do so, you feel better for it - you feel more known, less alone, and encouraged to keep going.
Therapy is similar in that way: you’re sharing important things to someone who knows and cares for you. Therapy is definitely not equivalent to a friendship (as it’s a one-way relationship), but I do have your best interest and your desired outcome in mind. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to, but am going to check in often to see if I’m getting you well. How you feel matters.
Therapy will be done at a pace that feels right for you. Online therapy can help you build connection on your turf, without needing to worry about what pants you’re wearing.
Suit up in your PJs, and let’s get to it!
Benefits of Online Therapy (Telehealth)
There are tons of advantages that online therapy can offer:
You can meet in the comfort of your home with your favorite coffee mug, plush blanket, and jammies!
Or you can meet during a lunch break. (You just need secure, steady internet connection and a private space.)
No traffic/parking/commute time.
More flexible scheduling and the possibility for more frequent and shorter sessions.
More insurance companies are covering online therapy in light of COVID-19 (*check if your plan also covers out-of-network providers or only paneled therapists*)
A wider pool of therapists who specialize in what you need without any additional commute (make sure they're in your the same state).
I am located in the San Francisco Bay Area in California (San Jose, Santa Clara, Saratoga, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Willow Glen, Sunnyvale).
How It Works
I use the telehealth feature of Simple Practice, which is the same platform I use for all my intake forms, scheduling, and billing. As a platform that thousands of therapists use, Simple Practice uses cutting edge technology to ensure the privacy and security of sensitive information.
When it’s time for our session, click on the secure link you will receive via email. You will be able to see a page where your video and mine will pop up.
Wherever you choose to “meet”, make sure to:
Secure a quiet, private space (no interruptions or others barging in). Use headphones.
Use a computer, tablet, or phone that has a microphone and camera.
Have access to secure, steady internet connection. (Phone sessions may still be an option.)
Close all other browsers and programs so that we can have full bandwidth usage and to minimize lags/drops in connection.
Get comfortable! Dress comfortably or grab a blanket. Prep a journal, tissues, and a cup of tea/coffee/water.
Ready to Begin?
FAQs about Online Counseling
Is it as Good as in-person therapy?
Thousands of people have found online sessions to be just as effective (if not more) than in-person sessions. As a therapist who has been seeing my most recent therapist solely through online sessions, I was first skeptical as to whether it would be as good as being in the same physical room as my therapist. After one or two sessions, though, I was pleasantly surprised how easily I could connect with my thoughts and emotions, just as much as I did in face-to-face sessions. I also appreciated the convenience of being able to meet wherever, as long as I had steady, secure internet connection.
Is Online Therapy for Me?
Virtual therapy can be a great way to get support, but it’s not for everyone:
Those unable to acquire secure, steady internet connection (phone sessions may still be an option)
Those unable to acquire a safe, private space (no locked doors, thin walls, housemates barging in often)
Those diagnosed with a major mental illness such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or severe depression who require higher level of care
Those struggling with significant alcohol or substance abuse
Those experiencing suicidal thoughts (call 911 or seek immediate care at your nearest emergency department, and follow up with a local in-person therapist)
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
See how the Enneagram and genogram reveal trauma, boundaries, and generational patterns in families like the Bridgertons — and maybe yours too!