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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Head Types
Joanne (OliveMe Counseling) and Melinda (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Listen to part 4 of their 4-part series as they discuss the Head Triad and their central emotion of fear.
Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling) & Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing.
Our Enneagram type patterns used to be helpful when we were actually vulnerable and powerless (often in childhood), but when we grew up, our autopilot patterns didn't update accordingly. What used to be our greatest strengths eventually become some of our greatest liabilities.
In this 4-part series on The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types, learn about:
The main themes of the Head Triad
The central emotion for Head Types: Fear
How Enneagram Fives, Sixes, and Sevens navigate fear
Growth steps for each Enneagram Type
Watch the video below for Part 4: Head Types (or keep scrolling past the downloadables for the transcript!)
Downloadables
Grab each of these guides separately!
Video Transcript
Joanne: Welcome to our part four in this four part series, “Enneagram Emotional Habits”.
Melinda: Hi, everybody.
Today we're going to talk about Head Types, which interestingly are the Types that mystify us the most. But we love them. We've done a lot of study around them. I am married to a Head Type, so I have a little insight into Head Types.
Joanne: A lot of our main coaches and therapists have been Sixes.
Melinda: We're super grateful for that because we really need that as people who tend to undervalue the head.
Joanne: Regarding all the Triads they have their own corresponding themes. The main themes for Head Types, in particular, are around safety, security, certainty, trust and mistrust, and making sure they're okay. The way that each Type goes about it is different. The central emotion for all Head Types is around fear.
I think Fives tend to be in conflict with their fear, Sixes tend to overdo fear, and Sevens tend to underdo fear.
Would you like to share with us about our lovely Fives?
Melinda: I really would. I love Fives, not just because I'm married to a Five, but because I feel like Fives are really misunderstood. As a Two, I relate to that because I think we're also misunderstood.
Fives, like I mentioned, though they are cut off from their feelings, because of them being Head Types they tend to actually have a quite conflicted or chaotic relationship with sadness. They tend to be a Type that leans more toward depression than the other two Types, and that's because they tend to isolate themselves.
I love this metaphor that Joanne came up with. It's like Fives are in a fortress with doors that are barred and locked. They are looking out and sometimes feeling the sadness or longing, wanting to be included, but terrified of allowing that door to open because they don't want to be overtaken or overwhelmed.
The themes for Fives often are around feeling fear that they're going to be overwhelmed by others. Their energy is going to be depleted. They won't have enough resources to get through the day or get through their lives. So they tend to be very protective of their energy, their time, even their stuff, and their knowledge. They tend to be very locked in.
If we take that metaphor of the fortress with the doors locked, unfortunately, what they don't realize is that if they were to just open the doors they might be able to get the resources they need to get through the day and the connections that they need. But unfortunately, fear keeps it locked.
Fives aren't really always in touch with their fear. They've cut off their heart and their bodies and tend to live in their heads because they protect themselves from this fear by knowing things, through knowledge. Fives collect knowledge. They store it up. The one thing that they allow in through those doors is the knowledge of everything. The things that they're really passionate about, their jobs, certain subjects, whatever. They bulk up on knowledge to defend themselves against being insecure. To defend themselves against feeling afraid in the world and to make themselves safe. Unfortunately, that means that they miss out on their emotions and connections. Emotions are the things that connect us with other people and connect us with ourselves. Fives really have an experience of not being connected with themselves and others.
I actually think more than most people admit, Fives really on some level understand that, which is why they tend toward depression. They understand that they're cut off and they isolate and they have a very hard time reaching out. It's almost like they're frozen. This is why I feel so sad about Fives because they’re so beautiful and sensitive and they themselves don't know that and the people in their lives tend to not know that.
Joanne: Of the BIG Five emotions, MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB, NUMB is probably their favorite emotion. Also in that they're very good at rationalizing why they should stay NUMB. Also pursuing things like careers that tend to be right in alignment with their giftings. It's like, in a lot of ways, it kind of is a mutually reinforcing echo chamber.
Melinda: Yeah, I also find with Fives, much like Ones, they tend to somaticize their emotions. Like when you’re NUMB emotions have to come out. It means you're overwhelmed. Emotions have to come out some way. Often with Fives they come out with stiffness or issues with their back, feeling achy, sometimes nausea, and sometimes with depression. Fives are deeply sensitive people.
Joanne: That might be the growth step. You could actually use the body as a backdoor way of connecting with the heart. Noticing that you feel a certain ache or tension or whatnot and trying to translate that into corresponding to whatever feelings they might have.
Melinda: You might want to ask a close friend, should you have that, or your partner, if they are more feelings conversant. It might be helpful to let them know like, “Hey, I have this ache or I have this nausea. Is there a corresponding feeling with that?” You might not be able to connect the two but they might be able to help you. That actually is a secondary growth step, which is asking for help, which I know is difficult for Fives, as well.
Joanne: Let down that drawbridge, man.
Melinda: Yeah, because there's so many resources that are there and ready for you if you allow things in.
We love you Fives. Good luck with your challenge. Do we want to move on to Sixes?
Joanne: Sixes are hard to peg in a lot of ways and I think that comes to the territory of the Type itself. There's a lot of shifting going on on the vagrant side, especially in their heads.
Sometimes they're known as “The Contrarians” or “Devil's Advocate”, “The Questioner”, “The Loyalist”. All these contradictory terms, ironically. I think that also shows up when it comes to their own emotions, too. It’s just that there's always this questioning and never a settling. So, I would say that as a Head Type they're the feelers of the Head Type. They tend to be most driven or most obviously connected to fear as an emotion but they intellectualize it so much that they might not even register it as a feeling.
Melinda: Yeah. It depends on the subtype usually. With Sixest there tends to be a pretty big stratification of how you experience the feeling based on your Subtype.
Sexual Instincts tend to face fear head on, so they might be the type that are less connected with their experience of fear. Though I've found that fear is still something pretty dominant for Sexual Subtypes and Sixes. It's just that they're like, “Fuck you fear, I'm gonna go at ya.”
Joanne: Fight mode.
Melinda: Socials tend to be pretty removed from their fear.
Joanne: More NUMB.
Melinda: It's a more NUMB kind of feeling. They might do the things that the other two Types do in terms of fear. They might have some conscious understanding that they feel it, but I think they tend to withdraw from it a little more, tend to be a little more distant.
Self-preservation Sixes are the ones that we're kind of going to peg as the stereotypical Six. They tend to be very anxious. That's how we talk about Sixes. Overdoing fear. Self-pres Sixes are going to be the ones that are really obvious about it. Whichever one you identify with, we would say that you have kind of an over-active relationship with fear. That tends to show up for Sixes regardless of Type or Subtype as kind of the catastrophizing and the over preparation, just in case something bad happens. Would you say that's your experience with Sixes?
Joanne: Totally. Being more future oriented, they focus on what could happen and what could happen is more negative.
Mistrust is what leads the way and the emotion that I think Sixes have the hardest time connecting with is probably joy. And that like, “When's the other shoe going to drop?” as if there's always another shoe. Or like, “What does this person want from me? Are they being honest?” There's always like frenetic energy to them.
I think even though Sixes are driven by fear they might not consciously be aware of it because they're so in their head and they're very good at justifying things. If you tell a Six they're being pessimistic, they would say, “I'm just being a realist.”
Across all Head Types they're so good at justifying their own position. I think that only reinforces the disconnect from the heart.
Melinda: For Sixes, I think one other thing to put out there is that the way that they try to find security, again is probably different per Subtype, but I think the thing that holds true with all of them is that they have a very difficult time finding security. Even when they either reach out, no matter how they try to do it, either finding security in their connections or other people, finding security in an authority or a dogma, or a way of viewing the world, or finding security and going at your fears, like balls to the wall. Whatever Sixes try to connect with and try to find security in, what remains true, is that they have a very hard time trusting and finding security within themselves.
The world out there is scary and the world in here is scary. I can't trust anybody out there and I can't trust anybody in here. That causes a huge, huge amount of insecurity and fear. Of course it would, because if you can't find safety anywhere, then you have to work really hard in order to make it happen. It's tenuous at best. Sixes kind of find themselves in a jam. I feel for them. That's really hard. Onto our growth step.
Joanne: I think being in touch with your fear. Being honest about it is one thing and allowing yourself to temper the questioning a little bit more, 5% less questioning than before.
Melinda: Dialing it down just a tad.
Joanne: Because you might be creating your own anxiety, ironically. If that's the case it can also go the other direction. If you look for what is okay, even though things could go bad, then you might actually create another feedback loop where you start noticing things that are actually okay, even though it could be bad or it could be worse. So, giving more attention, more room towards things still being okay, being steady, being secure, that would be the recommendation.
Melinda: We hope that you feel like you can engage that challenge Sixes. Good luck. We Heart Types love you.
I think we're going to move on to Sevens.
Joanne: In a lot of ways, Sevens are the opposite of Sixes in that Sevens also focus on what could be, but towards the positive. I think whenever people find out what their Enneagram Types are, everyone else except for Sevens are like, “Oh, it's terrible. Why are you so negative?”
Sevens are like, “This is great. I love my Type.”
Usually those who are in close relationships with Sevens are like, “Oh my god, I'm so tired. I feel so resentful and negative because Sevens tend to be positive.”
GLAD for Sevens is a defense structure in that it's an overdoing of the positive emotion as a way of downplaying or ignoring the negative stuff.
Melinda: Especially fear. Of the Triad, I think they underdo fear.
Joanne: I don't think Sevens are as aware or conscious about their fear. One way to find out is they still look for the exits too when it comes to difficult conversations or whatnot. They just rationalize. That is the main defense mechanism, rationalization. They find their way to sweet talk their way out of focusing on difficult things, responsibilities, things that are boring, etc. Not knowing that they're weaseling out of things is actually what makes situations harder.
Melinda: I think that's the way that Sevens actually act out their fear. If you're a Seven, think about things being sad, feeling trapped in that sadness, never being able to get out of your sadness. That's fear, right? Sevens have a fear of being trapped in negative emotions. Actually, Sevens have a fear of being trapped in general.
Joanne: Keeping your options open, making sure you get to choose into the more fun or exciting or better thing.
Melinda: Exactly. What Sevens have a hard time doing, I think every Enneagram Type has a hard time with this, but being in the present. What they fail to understand, sadly, is that only when we're open to every emotion in the present and what's happening in the present do we actually connect with JOY. I think JOY is what Sevens are trying to connect with, but unfortunately, it doesn't happen if we're not connected with all of the feelings.
Joanne: Lower hanging fruit growth stuff for Sevens, because I'm not sure if y'all are eager to jump into the deep end just yet.
Melinda: And that's okay.
Joanne: Is to practice alternating between doing something exciting and something that is a little bit more blah. Just so that you still get the stuff going but you're not going to be completely trapped in it. There is an overemphasis on seeking freedom by resisting limits. But freedom and limits actually go hand in hand.
It's kind of like the fencing around a playground structure. Within the fencing you can go wild and do whatever you want, but you’ve got to make sure to stay within so that you're not at risk of danger. It’s the same thing with our life's experiences. There are responsibilities and things that must be done but that is actually what empowers you and frees you up to actually really engage things and enjoy the deeper things in life without this nagging thing in the back of your head. Like, “I know you shouldn't be doing this.” Make it easier on yourself.
Someone said, “Swallow the frog.”
Do the thing that you don't want to do first and then you can reward yourself with a fun thing.
Melinda: That's a great challenge.
I think also remembering too, in the same way, engaging all your emotions eventually is the thing that leads to true JOY and freedom. I know it sounds very counterintuitive, especially for Sevens, but allowing yourself to be able to be present with what is, whether it be good or bad or neutral, is the thing that then frees you from actually being enslaved to positive or good vibes. Which actually is what Sevens are. You actually are trapped. That's the reality.
Joanne: The bias of Head Types is that there's such a high emphasis on reasoning, rationale, the intellect, et cetera. Often all Head Types tend to think that they're just being mature, reasonable, grounded, and everyone else, especially those with feelings, are being immature, irrational, whatever. It's just that the ironic thing is, if our body and our heart are also other legitimate sources of really important information the irrational thing is to lop off or close off access to those other centers of intelligence.
Melinda: How rational are you being if you lop off two incredibly important ways of viewing and interpreting the world.
Joanne: It's actually irrational for you to only favor certain data and ignore everything else.
High recommendation for all y'all Head Types to really get to know emotions and also your body experiences as a really important source of information. It seems irrational on the outside, but that's because no one really trained us on how to do feelings well. It is a huge, strong belief of mine that each of the BIG Five emotions, MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB, and also SHAME as well, have their corresponding themes and messages about what we're needing and what we're wanting, who we are, et cetera. So, to close off the door to your heart space is a huge disadvantage for you because you're basically living life blind. It's a huge part of you.
We have a couple of resources for everyone. We have a quick, at a glance view of how each Enneagram Type interacts with each of the BIG Five emotions. Also a more in-depth guide, because I know y'all want to do your research, right? This guide, “The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types”, has a more thorough look as to what's really going on, not just with the main emotion of the Triad, but what each emotion actually means and what they're for.
Melinda has created another guide for us, “Growth Tip of the Enneagram Types”.
Melinda: I made this especially for y'all who are really just wanting to get into the nitty gritty of growth and deep transformation. The Enneagram is amazing for that and it's so much more than just descriptors of our core Types. I hope that these tips and challenges will help you to get even deeper into knowing your essential self and fighting against and becoming more aware of your ego patterns. As you get to know your essential selves, I think you'll find that they actually look a lot different than your core Type, which is pretty surprising. I developed this guide with a few tips for y'all who are really wanting to grow more deeply in your Enneagram journey. These have been helpful for us so I wanted to pass this on to y'all with more to come.
I think you're Big Feelers First Aid Kit might be a good thing for our Head Types, too.
Joanne: I also made a separate guide specifically for those whose feelings tend to show up sideways and show up at the wrong place at the wrong time. For example, like a lot of Fives tend to call out sick from work because they stuffed their feelings so much that the body somaticized it. In order to prevent people from just locking up their feelings, this is kind of an alternative where you can buy yourself time if your feelings are showing up in more sideways ways. The point is to actually dedicate a specific time and space for you to actually sit with and process your feelings, not just way after the fact because they get more confusing. I'm sure y'all don't like that. Also grab the Big Feelers First Aid Kit as an additional resource, a handy tool to put into your library.
In general Head Types, one of the main areas of challenge is around relationships. So, don't just study about your own specific Type patterns, but also listen in on the Body Types and the Heart Types, as well.
Thanks again for joining us here for our series and we'll catch you next time.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types (Part 1: Introduction)
Joanne (OliveMe Counseling) and Melinda (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Listen to the introduction of their 4-part series as they discuss emotions, the Enneagram, the three Centers of Intelligence and dominant instincts.
Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling) & Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing.
Our Enneagram type patterns used to be helpful when we were actually vulnerable and powerless (often in childhood), but when we grew up, our autopilot patterns didn't update accordingly. What used to be our greatest strengths eventually become some of our greatest liabilities.
In this 4-part series on The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types, learn about:
Why emotions are important for personal growth, relationships, and professional development.
What the BIG 5 Feelings are.
Why feelings are important for Enneagram inner work.
The main emotions for each of the three Centers of Intelligence (Body, Heart, Head)
An overview of the three instincts (SP, SO, SX).
Watch the video below for Part 1: Introduction (or keep scrolling past the downloadables for the transcript!)
Downloadables
Grab each of these guides separately!
Video Transcript
Melinda: Sup, everybody. What's up, Joanne? How are you doing today?
Joanne: Good! Good to see all of you on the other side of the screen. My name is Joanne from OliveMe Counseling, and this is my lovely BFF, work wife, Melinda Olsen from Inviterra Counseling. We are both Enneagram Therapists here in Silicon Valley, and we are super excited to share with you about our topic today which is the emotional habits of Enneagram Types.
Melinda: Wooh!
Why Feelings Matter for Personal Growth
Joanne: Generally, why emotions are important is that they're super important sources of information for us. They're essential for our personal growth, our relationships and also, surprisingly, our professional development in terms of you finding out what really matters to you, what trajectory you want to take in life.
A side product that I'm doing is called Intelligent Emotions. I do cover the basis of how feelings operate and actually that each feeling has its own corresponding themes, messages, action steps, etc. So, we're going to be integrating the Enneagram, the Nine Types of the Enneagram, with what I call the BIG 5 Feelings: MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, and NUMB, and how each Type basically does each of these guys. For the sake of this particular video we're going to add one extra piece in the BIG 5 and it's SHAME.
If I had a sixth finger then it will be BIG 6 feelings with SHAME attached. It's super important of a topic, but it has some extra nuance information, especially when it comes to identity, authenticity, relationships, et cetera, which is a very central theme for the Heart Types, Twos, Threes, and Fours.
So I'm going to add, MAD, SAD, and SHAME, GLAD, SCARED, and NUMB. We're going to be covering each of the Nine Types in triads, Body Types, Heart Types, and then Head Types.
Why Emotions Matter for Enneagram Growth Work
Melinda: I don't think Enneagram work can happen without us exploring our feelings.
Every type does feelings in a different way, as Joanne mentioned. For example, y'all who are in the Heart Triad, Twos, Threes, and Fours, don't think you're getting out of this. Though we do feelings a lot, and we have our own relationships with feelings, it doesn't mean we do them well. We can attest to that.
Joanne: She's a Type Two. I'm a Type Four. We got a lot of feelings between the two of us.
Melinda: I say we're recovering types. So, don't think that we're letting you off the hook. In fact, all of us have a lot of work to do with emotions and the Enneagram. That's how we actually do the deeper work of the Enneagram, which is what I jam on. It's so important.
Let's talk about how each Type, or at least in the Triad, kind of engages emotions. What we've found is there's one Type that either overdoes the emotion, there's a Type that underdoes the emotion, and then there's a Type that has a conflicted relationship with the emotion and internally that can feel like a chaotic relationship with emotion.
So if we think about the Heart Triad, right? And we talk about sadness and shame, right? We have Type Fours that overdue sadness and shame. We have Type Threes that really don't keep in touch with sadness or shame. And we have Type Twos who, if I can say so myself, we have a conflicted relationship or a chaotic relationship with sadness and shame, and we found this similar pattern with every Triad. We think it's important to talk about that.
Joanne: One piece we forgot to mention is that each center of intelligence has its own corresponding thematic feeling. The Body Types, Eights, Nines and Ones have a particular relationship with anger. Heart Types, Twos, Threes, and Fours have a particular relationship with sadness and shame. Head Types, Fives, Sixes, and Sevens have a particular relationship with fear. As Melinda mentioned, one of the Types in that Triad one overdoes the feeling, one underdoes it, and the other one tends to have a complicated, mixed relationship.
Melinda: Absolutely. Then things can get even a little more complicated when we add in instinct and subtype. Everybody has an instinct or subtype. You might already know about that as you've engaged Joanne and my other materials and resources around that. What we found is that Self-preservation instincts tend to, if we're talking about the BIG 5 emotions that Joanne mentioned, they tend to favor SCARED or NUMB as emotions that they tend to go to automatically. This is Despite type, like your core Type.
Social Instincts tend to overdo maybe SAD or SHAME. SHAME being an emotion that's associated with social situations. That's kind of developed in society.
Then we have the Sexual Instinct. Which tends to favor, if I do say so myself, as a Sexual Instinct, the GLAD and MAD, which are kind of on opposite ends of the spectrum. We tend to go back and forth.
Joanne: Both very vibrant and expressive feelings.
Melinda: Yes. Self-preservations tend to shut down and be more internal. Social Instincts tend to be more external, but diffused as they try to engage and fit in to the larger social context.
Joanne: All of us have one of the Nine Types. Within the Nine Types we have three different versions according to the three instincts, Self-preservation, Social and Sexual Instinct.
One tends to be the dominant emotion. So regardless of your type, if you happen to be a specific dominant instinct, it's as Melinda mentioned. There's also a repressed instinct as well. So, one that's in the top of the stack, one that's at the bottom of the list and the repressed Instinct also has its own corresponding emotional patterns as well.
Basically, the feelings attached to that instinct, when it's repressed, tend to take the most amount of energy and deliberate effort for you to summon that forth.
To give you an example, Melinda and I, we're different types, also our instincts are the exact opposite. Sometimes just between our two stackings, because of the opposite, she tends to be really good at what I suck at and then vice versa.
Being Self-preservation dominant, that means that I tend to be very practical, steady, focused. So, leading with anxiety and numbness, which happens to be in Melinda's repressed, and saying it's something that takes a little bit more dedicated effort for her to summon. In the opposite way for her being Sexual dominant, very easy attunement to joy and anger. That took a lot of work for me, not just because I'm a Four, but because the Sexual instinct is also my last place, too.
For you, regardless of where you are in your Enneagram journey if you don't know your Type, then we'll add a link as to the step-by-step approach of how you can identify yours. Even if you do know your Type, the next step might be for you to find out what your instinct sequence is. Then coming back to the subsequent videos we'll be releasing in knowing what your type and your particular instincts and emotional habit is because our Enneagram Type, our autopilot, are ways that used to be helpful before but are now what's creating problems for us.
Melinda: Causing our suffering.
Joanne: So, whatever emotions we tend to overdo, we need to reign it back. Whatever emotions seen most foreign or repulsive to us are what we need to dial up so that we can be more well-rounded, more balanced, more integrated, instead of being lopsided and getting caught on things.
Melinda: I think it's really important too to just mention that every emotion, whether it's labeled positive or negative, they're important. They contribute to a vibrant life. If we shut down or overdue any of these feelings, it leads to suffering. It's really important to mention even something like scared or sad is really important in our journey of understanding who we are and who we are in the world and our essential selves.
With all of that said, let's talk a little bit about our upcoming episodes that I hope that y'all tune in to. We are going to be going over every Triad and talking about the emotional habits of every Triad. Starting with the Gut Triad, Eights, Nines, and Ones. The Heart Triad would be next, Twos, Threes, and Fours. Then rounding us out with the Head Triad, Fives, Sixes, and Sevens. We're really excited!
Joanne, of course, has made a chart because she is a Self-preservation dominant person, that she shall be sharing with you. And we have some more resources as well.
Joanne: This is what it looks like. We have the BIG 5 emotions on the side that shows up differently for each Type and also some variations depending on the dominant instinct. That will be available in the section below this video.
Melinda: We want to call you to watch all of our videos on the Types, find out more about your Type and the Types of your loved ones. Then I think we have a few other things for you to explore.
Joanne: If you want to learn more about emotions in general, I have what's called the Big Feelers First Aid Kit. So, especially if you're the emotionally expressive types, either the Heart Types, especially Twos and Fours, or Sexually dominant, Sexual repressed.
Basically, if you tend to have emotions that show up when you least expect it, because you might've repressed it, I’m calling out to Ones and Twos, this will come in super handy because not every situation is safe or the best time for you to be actively processing those feelings. Grab one of these and you'll be able to learn a little bit more about the nature of each specific emotion.
Melinda also has given us a fantastic guide as well, "The Growth Tips of Each Enneagram Type".
Melinda: "The Growth Tips of Each Enneagram Type", I'm going to hold my own because I designed it, it’s so pretty! I'm very proud. Basically, I found that in the Enneagram work that we do we don't tend to push past understanding the habits of our Type. I think it's really important to use the Enneagram to do the depth work, the growth work.
So, I have developed this handy dandy little guide for you to get a bite size, just a taste of the things that you can do to grow more deeply out of your Enneagram Type and get to know your essential true self, which interestingly might not look a lot like your core Type. Pick this up!
Joanne: Thanks again for joining in today on the introduction. Tune in, the next episode up will be about the Body Types, Eights, Nines, and Ones, and the others will follow, just in suit.
Melinda: Looking forward to it!
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!
Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Integrating the Three Centers of Intelligence
Though we have all three Centers of Intelligence (head, heart, body), there's WAY too much emphasis on Head Center especially in the Westernized world. Read the blog to learn how to reconcile and integrate all three.
Centers in Imbalance & Disharmony
Though we have all three Centers of Intelligence (head, heart, body), there's WAY too much emphasis on Head Center especially in the Westernized world:
Logic + reason = maturity
Science is truth (even though science is itself an ever-evolving PROCESS)
The only thing that matters is what's concrete, visible, measurable, actionable
Whatever is abstract, etherial, immeasurable DOESN'T matter (or exist)
Emotions = immature
Energy = DNE (does not exist)
In recent decades, there's been more room for the Heart Center themes (it's no surprise that there's been a surge of EQ trainings and that Brene Brown is now a household name):
Feelings not only exist, but they are valid and essential
It's all about empathy, connections, vulnerability, and authenticity
Let feelings come, let them go - they, too, shall pass*
(*I just think that this development stopped shy, so I've taken that on as a personal mission through Intelligent Emotions to highlight what people do next besides just tolerate feelings.)
We in the Western world are still WAY behind when it comes to integrating the Body Center. So many questions, not a lot of answers...
If the currency of the Head Center is thoughts and of the Heart Center is emotions, what is it for the Body Center?? (sensations? energy?)
A lot of the Body Center experiences are a mystery...How exactly do body types just *know* what needs to be done?
Is it really only that Ones are just super judgmental, Nines are just super pushover-y, and Eights are just assholes?? (So much misunderstanding...)
Body types are action-oriented so they're spending energy doing/not doing...instead of contemplating deeper truths of life (hello, Enneagram 4s and 5s) or trying to navigate/explore the world around them (Enneagram 2s, 3s, 6s, 7s)
Perhaps we could learn a lot from the Eastern traditions beyond just doing yoga as a form of exercise to improve our image/physique or because it's a trend to follow.
More to come later on Body types specifically, but for now, the question is:
How do we reconcile + integrate all three Centers of Intelligence?
(Skip to the end for one practical application. If you need some explanation as to how and why this matters, keep reading.)
Moving Towards Integration
Whatever we FOCUS on determines what we DON'T focus on. The latter is what we need to nurture so that we're more in balance.
Think of a 3-part wheel (Head/Heart/Body) where some part of the wheel is bigger, another is smaller. Because the wheel is uneven, it doesn't roll well and even gets stuck more often.
To get a well-rounded wheel, we gotta find out make the big part smaller AND/OR make the small part bigger. Sometimes it's okay not to know which one you should do first - pick one, and you'll find out the other eventually.
(The following is an art, not a science. There's WHICH box (Enneagram type) we're stuck in, and there's HOW stuck we are. Pick whichever portion stands out to you and focus on just that for this season. If you're pursuing growth, your other steps will eventually be revealed -- no need to know all the steps now.)
Here are three options for how you can integrate your Centers.
Option 1: Find out what your dominant Center is, and focus on the other two Centers.
All of us in our respective Enneagram types have biases towards certain Centers.
Body Types (Sensing/Doing) - Type 8s, 9s, 1s
Heart Types (Feeling) - Type 2s, 3s, 4s
Head Types (Thinking) - Type 5s, 6s, 7s
Example: If you're Type 2, your dominant Center is the Heart. Your work involves nurturing the Head & the Body Centers through activities like:
Head Center - being more curious about the world that DOESN'T involve feelings or relationships
Body Center - being more in tune with your body's experience of food, movement, physical sensations...or seeing the doctor for an annual physical
(If you don't know your type, start here.)
Option 2: Find out what your dominant instinct is, and focus on the other two Centers.
Our instincts also have biases regarding the Centers. If you don't yet know your type, but know your dominant instinct, these will come in handy.
Self-preservation instinct
Favors Head/thinking (rational) + Body/doing (practical)
Against Heart/feeling (too amorphous, messy, chaotic)
Social instinct
Favors Heart/feeling (image, status) + Head/thinking (bird's eye view)
Against Body/doing one's own agenda (too selfish, individualistic)
Sexual instinct
Favors Heart/feeling (relational) + Body/doing (intensity)
Against Head/thinking (too rigid, complicated, convoluted, boring)
Option 3: Do an activity that involves all three Centers, and notice what you notice.
This is the catch-all option. There are some experiences in life that inherently tap into all three Centers. Here are some examples (by no means an exhaustive list):
Music
Art
Sex
Food
Basically, the richer things in life that are inherently personal, relational, sensory-oriented, etc. are good options.
None of us can change what we don't know is happening. So notice what you notice, and you'll also be open to things that don't typically occur to you.
(If you need help, ask a trusted person what stands out to them just as another reference point. Then notice what they notice.)
NOTE:
All of these activities *can* be done very passively (often to someone's detriment) but are meant to involve a lot of dedicated presence.
There's also no inherent good or bad, right or wrong way of doing these. (Type 1s, notice what immediate reactions come up to that sentence. Take your reaction as good information, be in your body, and breathe until you settle again.
Pick one of these examples for the week, and do your best to be fully present and engaged with all your senses, all your attention, all your being.
Here are some of what each Center might notice around these experiences:
Body Center
The 5 senses - sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell
GO vs. STOP (yes! no!)
Agency, Freedom, Will - Can I do this or not? Is there something in the way? How can I clear obstacles?
Choice, Desire - Am I being controlled? What do I want? How can I get what I want?
Heart Center
Image - How do I look? How do others see me? Do others see me?
Status - Is this the best? Worst? Popular? Unpopular?
Relationships - Who do I do this with? Do I do this solo?
What do I want? What do others want? What if what I want is different from what others want?
Connection vs. Authenticity
Head Center
Possibilities - What are the positive/negative/neutral options? Which is the best option?
Safety/security - Will I be okay? Will I have enough resources or experiences?
How do I keep my options open?
Abundance vs. scarcity, danger vs. safety, insecurity vs. security
Using Art as a Medium for Personal Growth
Here's an example of how I as a Type 4 might try watercolors.
Instead of focusing on Heart Center themes (image, authenticity, status, comparison), I might focus on:
Body Center
How do the different brushes feel?
What are the different strokes I can try?
Can I achieve what I have in mind? What body sensation kicks in when I can't?
Head Center
What are the different shades that come out of mixing different colors?
What happens when I mix more drops of water?
Or if I wet the paper beforehand and then drop the paint?
What can I learn from this?
Pick one of the four options (music, art, sex, food) as an exploration of your Center of Intelligence or a growth challenge to integrate all three Centers!
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!
Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
3 Ways to Calm Your Nervous System as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Join me and Lauren LaSalle as we talk on her podcast The Highly Sensitive Podcast about three ways to calm your nervous system as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
I was a guest on the Highly Sensitive Podcast with Lauren LaSalle.
I shared about how I learned I was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and gave three tips about how to calm your nervous system as an HSP.
(Scroll down for the transcript.)
My HSP Story
Lauren: What was your experience like discovering that you were highly sensitive?
Joanne: I heard about it a couple years back during my pre-license years in therapy.
I think just the lights went on and everything kind of clicked and made sense in terms of just how readily aggravated I get over sensory experiences, especially in my environment.
I used to label myself as being very asocial and withdrawn and things like that.
I used to live with my in-laws for a good number of years. Being in a household full of vivacious people with all these sounds, I found myself coming home from work, going straight into my bedroom, turning off all the lights, putting my earplugs in, and going into bed.
Or in other times, we would have a big family gathering where they would hangout until past midnight. I would usually be the first to duck out because my eyes were glazing over from all of the activity and energy and I wouldn’t really be listening anymore.
I found out later that my in-laws wondered whether I was okay or thought that I didn’t like them.
Once I learned that I was HSP, how my body felt and what I did all made sense.
I explained to my in-laws that my body needed to decompress from all that happened during the day, and that it wasn’t personal. Because a lot of them were also HSPs, they understood. Now they know how to interpret my reactions.
To smooth things over, nowadays I just tell people, “Hey, I need to go decompress. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” and help my body and brain recharge. It’s a neutral, regular, and routine thing I do these days.
Lauren: Wow. I can't even imagine living with, I mean, even my own parents again, let alone my in-laws. That sounds really tough as an HSP.
Joanne: Fortunately, my in-laws are really great. They're emotionally fluent enough where I can share how I'm feeling and they're okay.
It's more the sensory experiences of just there being a lot of chatter I hear through the walls and pots and pans clanging and things like that.
I think having agency over my own immediate space has been super helpful. Having my own office space was actually a huge plus for my own personal emotional and mental health, because I get to control the space however I want to and add all kinds of very soothing features to it in ways that I wouldn't have been able to at home.
What is Trauma?
Lauren: Not only are you highly sensitive, but you are also a therapist who works with highly sensitive people. What are some examples of how normal events can be traumatic for HSPs and kind of what can cause this to happen?
Joanne: I like thinking about things through the lens of our nervous system in terms of how overwhelmed it gets.
Often when people think about reactivity, they think about the actions people do in response to being stressed. There's less of a focus about how a person gets stressed to begin with.
I would say there is a general window by which we are supposed to be stimulated throughout the day, like the sun rises or the coffee machine works, et cetera. Generally we're supposed to take those stimuli and use them to kind of wake up and engage the day.
It's just that for HSPs that window is a lot smaller where we can get readily flooded all too easily and non HSPs they're like, I don't even notice a difference.
When that overstimulation happens for an extended period of time it really wears away at the body, at the nervous system with cortisol (the stress hormones) constantly coursing through our veins. Cortisol has been shown to actually erode some aspects of our bodily function, it actually impacts some organs.
It's this deadly cycle where we get overstimulated more readily, our bodies are under a lot of strain, we make reactive decisions that often make hard things worse, and then there's more strain and then it just keeps spiraling through.
Generally I define trauma more openly than other therapists might. I don't just consider those big dramatic events, like a car crash or assault or things like that as trauma. I define trauma as any event, big or small, that gives people a very concentrated set of feeling out of control, feeling like they're in danger, or feeling embarrassed.
That last piece would I think give a lot of people more empathy towards themselves.
If a person when they're growing up in their elementary school classroom gets called on by a teacher to answer a question on the board, some kids might be like, oh, this is super exciting I can finally show off what I can do, and they answer the question on the board, that's taken as a very positive experience. But for a lot of people, especially HSPs, who are called on the spot, they weren't expecting it.
Getting called on itself is very stressful on top of getting all this attention from everyone in the classroom, and then they might actually turn beat red. Therefore also losing control over their own bodily experiences and would be super embarrassed. They will be socially isolated, or at least internally, that's how they would interpret it.
That event, which normally will be considered a very normal, day-to-day experience, is a traumatic event. Later down the line, the person might have a lot of anxiety when it comes to giving presentations at work.
These are the actual kinds of situations that I help my therapy clients with in the present day.
Lauren: I love that example because as you were talking about it, I started to feel anxious. Because I was one of those people where if the teacher called on me, even if I knew the answer, it was a total blank. Like, I have no idea what's going on. I feel all hot and like everybody's looking at me and like I just kind of want to disappear. So I can totally relate to that, and I'm sure a lot of people will be able to as well.
Joanne: Being sensitive not just towards being put on the spot, but also other people's energies and emotions, and also sensitivity towards one’s own bodily functions.t's kind of like a triple, quadruple dose of stimulation.
It will definitely lead people to shut down and afterwards having shut down then there's a lot of the shame talk. Like, oh, why couldn't I be like Tommy? Or why did I do this? Like, I'm so dumb, et cetera.
And that's adding several extra layers.
Lauren: I like how you define trauma too, because I think I've done that as well with my clients. I think a lot of people just think, oh, trauma is these big events that happen, but it really can be seemingly smaller events. Just because it doesn't affect one person negatively doesn't mean that it's not going to really, really affect somebody else and have a lasting impact on them. I really like that definition.
Joanne: What I also like about that definition is that we can also flip it upside down to talk about what kinds of experiences help an HSP heal, or general person, but HSPs all the more.
If trauma is any experience, big or small, that leads a person to feel super out of control, super in danger or embarrassed, then healing would be any experience, big or small, that helps a person feel like they're in self-control, that they're super safe and secure and feeling seen, known and validated.
Finding ways to give ourselves more of those experiences on purpose, integrating that into our day-to-day lives is super important, because in the same way that we would be bothered more readily by different things that come up, we could also be readily soothed then for non HSPs.
It goes both ways. That's the nice thing about it.
Responsiveness and Attunement
Lauren: I think that's so interesting that research has found that. It's just a really strange thing. I wouldn't have thought that that would be the case. I guess it's kind of sad in a way, but it's kind of nice also that even though we can be negatively affected by things more than the average person, we can actually be more affected by positive things, too.
Joanne: It eventually kind of breaks even, you know?
It's just that neutral stimulation. Less so having a moral charge of good and bad towards it.
I think for that reason, those who are highly sensitive or are in relationships with HSPs need to be particularly attentive to noticing things in our environment like, five senses.
Like bringing in more greenery, for example.
Even those small things can have their own compound interest, if you will. It just keeps snowballing so that even when a person comes home, if their environment is very soothing, then they can actually recharge a lot more quickly than for someone who's not particularly paying attention and they're still getting aggravated along the way.
I would say that the HSP trait prompts one to need more responsiveness and attunement and more intentionality to their daily experiences.
Lauren: I agree. And I've started to try, I mean, now I have a six month old at home so that's just another added layer on top of everything. As a new mom you hear, you don't have to keep up with the dishes and all of this, it's okay because you're busy, which I totally agree with. But on the flip side, if I don't, it stresses me out. If there's stuff all over the place, I lose my mind. So I know that for my own mental health, I also have to be as much on top of dishes, laundry, and cleaning up clutter as I can be. Otherwise it's going to go rapidly downhill.
Joanne: It's not about being particular or about having high standards or whatnot. The alternative is I'm just going to be irritable all the time.
We give our nervous systems a chance to breathe more easily.
Using Brainspotting to Decompress
Lauren: So what are some other things that we can do to help our nervous systems other than being really intentional about our surroundings?
Joanne: There are two approaches that I use most of the time in therapy. One is the Enneagram Personality framework. The other is called brainspotting, which is a derivative of EMDR, another trauma therapy technique.
Brainspotting is actually what we do naturally, just not on purpose.
If you've ever seen a veteran who is back in civilian life and they're kind of sitting on a bench and they're staring off into space. That's an example of brainspotting.
The person doesn't quite know that they're internally processing, but their lizard brain is definitely trying to metabolize some stressful things. Obviously, for veterans, they've gone through a lot.
HSPs tend to do that, staring off into space a lot more often. It's just that the idea of staring off into space is not socially acceptable. It's as if someone is not engaged or disinterested or whatever.
Often when someone is sitting, staring off into space, the people around them are like, hey, are you okay?
But in actuality, the person's brain is saying, no, I just need to sit and do nothing and decompress.
What I recommend for clients who come in, they find out that they're HSP or they've known for some time, but they're wanting to know how can I de-stress as soon as possible. I would say give yourself permission to sit and zone out for at least five minutes uninterrupted.
The emphasis is on permission.
Often when we have those experiences, when we're checked out, there's a lot of judgment and shame around it. When our body's actually trying to recover, when we bring in that judgment, then that actually sets up a whole bunch of triggers that ends up adding more stress than even before we start zoning out.
If a person can give themselves at least three to five minutes of zone out time throughout the day. Great!
If a person does it five minutes every hour, the five minutes will help decompress whatever happened within that 55 minutes prior, and then again, and again, and again. Really taking advantage of breaks.
Let's say a person's work environment is not conducive to that kind of stuff. Where it's an open office and everyone's talking all the time. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and then just sit there for a couple extra minutes so that you can have uninterrupted time where you can just allow your body to metabolize whatever comes up.
Brainspotting traditionally is using specifically one's eye position and zoning out while looking at that particular spot. It's just that a lot of people might do so accidentally where they're zooming in on a negative experience and then end up ruminating.
My encouragement for people is that instead of focusing on what's bothering them to scan their body. Look for the most neutral or the most pleasant or grounding spot.
Then while they're focusing on that spot notice where their eyes naturally gravitate towards and then stare there… for not too long because this is originally a therapy approach, so it really should be done with a therapist. Especially when processing difficult things. But because our bodies reflexively do it anyway, it will be good for people to try that on purpose.
An idea with brainspotting is where you look affects how you feel. So it's kind of hacking that towards HSPs.
Lauren: That's so cool! I'm guessing doing this might help with falling asleep at night. I know a lot of us, if we have trouble falling asleep, it's because our brain won't shut off. I'm guessing if you give yourself breaks during the day to process things instead of leaving it all to when you're trying to fall asleep, then it will help with the time it takes to fall asleep.
Joanne: Focusing on a very soothed or relaxed part of your body, noticing where your eye naturally drifts to and staring off in that place and just noticing whatever comes up.
We don't have to analyze or anything. It's better that we don't analyze.
Another approach is to focus on what you would like to feel. Thinking of either a time in your life, a memory, or if you don't have a particular memory, make up a scenario.
For some people it might be laying in a hammock with a cocktail in your hand in front of the beach. Focusing on that until you experience the body sensations and then notice where your eye looks and then stare there.
You can use either of those approaches. No fancy equipment necessary. You could actually do this while you're laying in bed in the dark. It's kind of a nice, handy way to do so.
Lauren: I'm gonna try that. I've heard of brainspotting through working, but I've never, gone further than just hearing about what it is. So that's really interesting to learn about that. I'm glad you brought that.
Joanne: We don't have one brain, we have three, and they're very much interconnected.
So if someone, having gone through a bad situation, and they have negative emotions and their body shows it. Facial expressions or the posture or whatnot. The reverse is also true as well.
When people actually simulate a posture that's associated with either positive or relaxed experiences, maybe even power postures, that's something that has been gaining more popularity nowadays, that can also affect how we feel on the inside.
It's just that the highly sensitive person trait often is associated with social experiences of making oneself small or meek or gentle or quiet, caring, et cetera.
I would actually even encourage HSPs to practice living as if they're not HSPs, at least in their bodies. That can actually create a different feedback loop.
Lauren: I like that.
Joanne: I might encourage a non HSPs to actually practice being like HSPs. So it goes both ways
Lauren: I'm so glad you brought all of this to the podcast because I hadn't talked about some of these things before. Your expertise is much appreciated.
Joanne: It's a great space. I'm really thankful that you have this avenue for people to really learn more about themselves and take good care.
Top Two, Bottom Two
Lauren: Thank you. So is there anything that we haven't talked about yet that you wanted to make sure you brought up?
Joanne: In terms of the five senses, one thing I talk about with people is in noticing which of the five senses are your top two? Like you notice it all too readily. They either bother you or they please you very easily.
Then what are your bottom two senses?
For me, I'm super easily affected by sight and touch. My bottom two senses are taste and smell.
It actually has been a very healing journey for me personally. I used to dissociate a lot. In actually tapping into those bottom two senses and trying to reconnect with my physical body.
I happen to do so by making cocktails. That's been a fun experience for me because I'm really focusing in on what usually takes more effort. That's helped me to connect with a present versus drifting away into wherever I tend to go in my mind and my feelings.
Lauren: I like that.
So how can people connect with you?
Joanne: I have my website, olivemecounseling.com. I'm also on Facebook and Instagram. I do also have a side business called Intelligent Emotions and that is an online course where I help people find out how to navigate with their big feelings.
Often if we leave our big feelings as they are, they tend to spiral into a vortex. It's a self paced course where people can find out that emotions are actually very logical and they actually have a system of their own. We're just not ever taught about it. Those two things:
OliveMe Counseling or Intelligent Emotions, that's the name of the course.
Lauren: Thank you so much for being here. I think a lot of people will benefit from what you shared with us.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Do Brainspotting on Yourself (Gazespotting)
Brainspotting can help your nervous system soothe itself when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Read more about how to do a specific type of Brainspotting even outside of therapy!
DISCLAIMER: The Brainspotting approach mentioned here is meant to help your body decompress from stress accumulated from a busy day, NOT to help you process trauma. This post is NOT meant to be a replacement for therapy, just to help you wind down and rest more readily.
If you have trauma triggers or really intense emotional reactivity, find a therapist near you.
Your body knows how to heal itself
Brainspotting is a therapy modality that’s been gaining more attention in recent years because of how well it helps people process emotional reactivity, trauma, and dissociation.
As a derivative of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Brainspotting also utilizes eye positions. David Grand, the founder of Brainspotting, says, “Where you look affects how you feel.”
Many of my therapy clients who’ve tried both EMDR and Brainspotting say that they prefer the latter, hands down, because of how intuitive it can be and how deeply yet quickly it helps people resolve their pain.
One of the best things about Brainspotting is that this is actually something our bodies intuitively know how to do. Staring off into space, eyes glazed over, is an example.
Gazespotting (one specific type of Brainspotting) is a useful tool to keep in your back pocket, especially if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person or if your life circumstances are super busy and/or chaotic that you often feel overwhelmed (parents of young kiddos, I see you!).
Gazespotting is much more helpful than Netflix binging or scrolling mindlessly on social media, since you don’t actually feel more rested after those things.
No fancy equipment necessary for Gazespotting - you just need 5-7 minutes (15 minutes, even better!).
You can do this anywhere and anytime you don’t have anything you need to focus on (i.e., don’t do this excessively at work or while driving - otherwise you might make mistakes or miss your exit!).
How to do DIY Brainspotting
Reminder, don’t try to do trauma processing by yourself. Brainspotting is like deep water diving - the further below the surface you go into your subconscious, the darker and more disorienting it gets. Divers have someone else sitting in the boat on the surface, ready to pull them out when it’s getting too risky or when it’s time. The Brainspotting therapist is that someone else.
Here are the steps for Gazespotting:
Recommended timing: Once around lunch time, once around dinner time, and once before going to bed (basically, when your body and mind needs a break from work/focus mode).
Set an alarm for 7 minutes, with a pleasant alarm tone.
Focus on a part of your body that feels the most GROUNDED, NEUTRAL, and CALM. Rate that feeling from 1-10 (10 - most relaxed).
Then, look around in your room (first from left to right at eye level, then up/down) and find a spot where you feel even MORE relaxed.
Zone out while staring at that spot until the timer goes off.
Just notice whatever comes up - none of this needs to make sense to your analytical brain.
When the timer goes off, close your eyes, scan your body, and stretch your body to reset and be fully present again.
Don’t do this for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Better to do it more frequently than longer durations.
If you’re still feeling checked out, drink some water. Notice the temperature of the water as it goes down.
BONUS: If you’re feeling super reactive and have a hard time calming, here’s a great video that my work wife Melinda Olsen made about Vergence, another type of Brainspotting you can do yourself!
Power of Permission
The main difference between Gazespotting and you accidentally zoning out is your INTENTION.
When you zone out reflexively, you might often judge yourself because society deems those who are inactive as being “lazy”, “sluggish”, “unproductive”, etc.
You might judge yourself, or others around you might judge. But when you give yourself PERMISSION to zone out, a huge internal switch happens.
When you zone out DESPITE your plans, you feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, OUT OF CONTROL, and ASHAMED. This adds more strain to your nervous system, which makes you more reactive.
When you zone out because you WANT to, you experience the feelings of AGENCY and SELF-CONTROL. This helps the nervous system soothe.
Practice giving yourself PERMISSION to rest, zone out, do nothing. Then see what happens.
A loud inner critic…
When your inner critic/Manager part starts criticizing you for not getting work done:
Say thank you to that part for wanting to help you
Say that what it’s doing is not actually helping because it’s adding MORE stress that shuts you down further
Tell that part that what you’re needing right now is to turn your nervous system back on and that you need to turn off your brain for a while to do just that
Say that you’ll ask for your inner critic’s help again when it’s the right time. Now is not that time.
Reset the timer to 5 minutes.
Resume gazespotting.
A Rhythm of Relaxing
Gazespotting is something I’ve integrated into my normal daily routine during lunch breaks, when I come home from work (sitting in my car for an extra 5 min before going inside), or winding down at the end of the day in bed.
More frequent, shorter runs are better than having stress buildup on your nervous system. If you really don’t have chunks of time to do this, doing this for 1 minute every hour between meetings or activities would still do wonders for your mind, heart, and body.
Start incorporating this wherever you are, and see where this takes you. The key words are “INTENTION” and “PERMISSION.”
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Use Your Triggers for Growth
Our triggers are our body's way of signaling that there's an important thing that we need to heal from. We need to pay attention to our triggers instead of taking our triggers as signals that there's something wrong with us. Learn more about how to use your triggers as growth jumpstarters.
Change of Perspective
If you're someone who gets frustrated because you feel like you're getting tripped up by the same things over and over again, here's a quick tip for you.
All of us have triggers, we all have pain points to heal from. That is not an issue. Our triggers are our body's way of signaling that there's an important thing that we need to heal from or important needs that are not yet getting met.
It's really important to pay attention to our triggers instead of taking our triggers as signals that there's something wrong with us. You're already in a lot of pain, you're already in a lot of stress. Don’t add to it!
One way of grounding is by switching from an ALL or NOTHING perspective to a GRADIENT perspective.
Instead of thinking of WHETHER you get triggered (“Yes, I got triggered”, “No, I didn't get triggered”) consider it as HOW you get triggered.
If you think about the how you get a lot more QUALITATIVE data so that, even when things are imperfect (or even when you still have things to heal from), that's a non-issue. You might still actually have made a lot of progress and a lot of movement that keeps you motivated to keep doing the work.
One way you can consider the HOW or the qualitative data is by observing how your triggers might show up across four different dimensions:
Frequency
Intensity
Duration
Direction
Frequency
On a scale of 1 (every once in a while) to 10 (every day), how often did you get triggered around a specific issue?
Before, you might have gotten triggered almost every day on feeling rejected that you were constantly in a state of agitation.
Nowadays, you might still get triggered from time to time, but maybe it's once a week or anytime you interact with a particular unsafe person (sometimes a family member).
Then you can actually give yourself credit that, on the whole, you’re able to retain your balance or take good care of yourself.
It's just that every once in a while (maybe specific times of the year or when interacting with that asshole), you might have to take better care of yourself to be proactive in keeping your balance.
Intensity
On a scale of 1 (barely feel it) to 10 (I can’t take it anymore!), how painful does this trigger feel?
You might have the frequency stay exactly the same (i.e., every day) but maybe the sting decreases over time. Maybe it used to feel at an 8 (I’m so aggravated!), but nowadays it’s a 5 (it bothers me, but I can focus on other things).
You still have to deal with a situation or you still have to deal with how you're feeling, but because it's not as intense, you're able to maintain your footing a lot better.
Or you've learned some tips around how to buffer, take care of yourself, maybe create boundaries, have hard conversations, etc. so that things don't escalate to that same degree.
Duration
On a scale of 1 (5 minutes) to 10 (several weeks), how long does your trigger state last?
Often these dimensions do interact with each other where the more you get triggered (or more intensely you get triggered), the more likely you're going to be staying in a triggered state.
The longer we stay in a triggered state, the more likely it will make reactive decisions — for example, emotional eating, overworking, under working, drinking a lot, Netflix binging — all those things where you might stay in that stressed state so your pain becomes more prolonged.
Over time as you do your personal work in therapy or in other kinds of inner work experiences, you might find that you don't stay in that state as long.
You found other helpful ways for you to regain your balance once you lose your footing (like going for a run or talking to a friend). Then the duration itself might also change over time.
Measure your trigger along these three dimensions once a quarter on a gradient 10-point scale instead of a YES or NO metric.
These numbers aren't quite linear. Think of a Richter scale for earthquakes: each number you bump down makes it 10 times easier for you to take good care of yourself or to maintain your balance.
Direction
When you get triggered, do you tend to direct it to the relevant party or misdirect it elsewhere?
Often our triggers prompt us to express our pain or emotions onto unsuspecting passersby; they were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Let's say someone who gets chewed up by their boss at work. They get frustrated but they don't actually bring it up to their boss. Instead, they come home and kick the dog. The dog had nothing to do with it.
Or maybe they take out their (legit) frustration on their uninvolved partner who's trying to load the dishwasher.
When there’s misdirection of pain, hard things get harder. What starts as an issue between you and your boss becomes you + boss + dog + partner.
What happens when you get triggered? Where do you direct that pain or what do you do with it?
Some people might direct towards other people. Others might direct it towards work, exercise, an activity, a substance, etc.
The more we misdirect our pain, the further we get away from healing our pain and getting our needs met.
When that happens, we CREATE stress.
The more quickly we're able to direct that towards an appropriate source, the more readily we can address the core issue.
Appropriate direction might look like processing the topic in therapy, journaling, bringing up the hurt with the involved party (IF they’re not abusive; if they are, best to process in therapy), addressing the problem directly (calling the credit card company to contest the charge).
When we address the initial issue directly, the other three dimensions (frequency, intensity, and duration) will be lowered as well.
Check in With Yourself
Again the issue isn't WHETHER we get triggered. We WILL get triggered. Getting triggered is not an issue, per se — our body is trying to tell us that we have important things to attend to.
The issue is more HOW we get triggered, along the four dimensions: frequency, intensity, duration, and direction.
Check in with yourself regarding how things have been this past year. On the last page of a journal, write down your answers to the four dimensions across four quarters.
(1) FREQUENCY
On a scale of 1 (every once in a while) to 10 (every day), how often did you get triggered around a specific issue?
(2) INTENSITY
On a scale of 1 (barely feel it) to 10 (I can’t take it anymore!), how painful does this trigger feel?
(3) DURATION
On a scale of 1 (5 minutes) to 10 (several weeks), how long does your trigger state last?
(4) DIRECTION
When you get triggered, do you tend to direct it (O) to the relevant party or misdirect it elsewhere (X)?
If the results changed over time, write down what positive events, negative events, or other factors that resulted in those outcomes so you have more nuanced info.
Examples:
Positive factors: tax issue resolved, left toxic work, started walking
Negative factors: a breakup, diabetes diagnosis
Other notes: Year 2 for business
Reflection Questions
If this were to be projected onto the next year ahead for the next several quarters, what do you think might happen?
As each of these metrics go down, what have you noticed?
How much better can you breathe?
How much more relaxed are you?
How have your weeks looked like?
What is one concrete thing you can do differently this week to help bump down your numbers?
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Designing a Healing Space: How HSPs Can Create a Safe Haven at Home
As a Highly Sensitive Person my external environment impacts my inner world, and vice versa. Read how I started recalibrating my physical spaces both at home and at work.
Hanging on the wall of my best friend’s office is this sign that reads:
Sanctuary:
your safe and peaceful haven.
a comforting place of refuge and rest in a noisy, chaotic world.
Ever since I learned that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I realized just how much my external environment impacts my inner world, and vice versa.
Home for this HSP
Having learned this, I started recalibrating how my physical space is both at home and at work.
Here’s what I did for myself:
I gave myself permission to toss out itchy clothes
I replaced all the lighting in my home with soft, warm light
I bought a TON of plushy blankets and cushions
I got fuzzy slippers and warm layers
I got rid of anything looks visually jarring (busy patterns, annoying colors, clutter)
I often wear earplugs or noise cancelling earphones when unwinding or focusing on a task
Moreover, I chose a home specifically considering what impact it might have on my HSP body. Even if it cost more, I gave more weight to things like natural lighting, tons of greenery, access to water, and lots of quiet.
(Imagine how many therapy sessions I saved myself because my body regularly gets to rest and relax! All in all, a net GAIN.)
Within my home, here is a nook I created for myself, my own sanctuary.
Inside matches Outside
One morning, I bust out my watercolors and joined in the Draw Your Feelings workshop that my friend Rukmini (@rockinruksi) offers. The prompt for that morning was: “Mapping Your Heart”.
This is what came out during that time.
In the past several years, I’ve done a lot of personal work in considering myself as being JUST AS WORTHY as others - no more, no less (think equanimity: “equal life” or “equal soul”).
A lot of this inner work was possible because I also recalibrated my external environment.
Your Safe Haven
I define TRAUMA to be any experience that stirs up strong feelings of being unsafe, ashamed, or out of control.
In turn, I define HEALING to be any experience that provides the opposite - that gives you the sense of being safe, worthy, or in self-control.
When it comes to your physical environment (home and work), what do you notice?
What is its impact on your mind? your emotions? your nervous system?
Not everyone has the opportunity and freedom to do a complete overhaul of their personal space, but there is still a lot of adjustments that might be feasible.
Specifically consider the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch:
How can you reduce, dampen, or eliminate some things that BOTHER you?
How can you bring more of what REJUVENATES you?
Take one small action to help your body soothe a bit more this week.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Moving on from Toxic Relationships
Listen to a conversation with Melissa Moore on Faith Hope Love about the different types of toxic relationships and shared resources and tools for stronger, healthier connections.
Here’s a video about moving on from toxic relationships. Melissa Moore from the podcast “Faith Hope Love with Melissa Moore” invited me to talk about dealing with trauma. Scroll down for a transcript. Follow Faith Hope Love on Youtube.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
I’ll start from what a healthy relationship is and then work backward. If we think about ourselves as images of God, everyone is SO DIFFERENT even though we’re all uniquely created. We’re given reflections of different aspects of God. Some of us reflect back His passion, some of us reflect back His holiness. With each of our differences, it’s not necessarily meant to be opposed to each other. It doesn’t have to be an either/or arrangement. IT CAN BE BOTH. So we think about healthy relationships through that vantage point. These connections are one where there’s ENOUGH ROOM in the connection for each person to be themselves. Have their own needs, own values, own opinions, and still be powerful sons and daughters in the Kingdom.
If there isn’t enough room in those connections for each person, this is how we go down the toxic relationship route. There are two different options (although we tend to see one as an example of toxic relationships more than the other):
APATHETIC Relationships
ENMESHED Relationships
Apathetic Relationships
When there isn’t enough room in our connections for both people to be fully themselves, then sometimes there’s enough “room” in the relationship by both parties going off and doing their own thing. In a marriage, for example, that might be a couple living under the same roof as if they’re roommates, but they don’t spend a lot of time together.
This could also be with other kinds of connections, like family members where there’s barely any interaction throughout the year until the holidays roll around. And when the holidays roll around, it’s super awkward. So that is an example of a relationship where there isn’t enough room for them to coexist at the same time. Because there’s not a lot of interaction, there isn’t really a knowing of each other or revealing of oneself.
That type of relationship is what I call an “apathetic relationship.” There’s a huge wall between the two people and both parties are going off in opposite directions. The main message is, “I am me; you are you. There’s no we.” That is an example of a toxic relationship, but it doesn’t usually get labeled as one because it isn’t usually labeled as a relationship. But when there are situations where the connection is forced, for example, with family, that’s how it shows up.
Enmeshed Relationship
The second example of a toxic relationship is what often gets called an “enmeshed relationship.” Sometimes, though, that word enmeshed gets used to describe different relationships that are more culturally informed and more collectivistic. In certain parts of the world, there’s more of an emphasis on society as a whole or the collective. Through our Americanized/Westernized individualistic lens, that gets labeled as being bad. It’s not bad. I want to make that distinction between enmeshed and collectivistic.
What I mean by the “enmeshed dynamic” is when two people are in close quarters and there isn’t enough space between. There’s not enough space for each of them to be. Think of two circles where one is kind of swallowing the smaller one. A lot of ANXIETY, GUILT, SHAME, ANGER, FRUSTRATION—that’s the emotional evidence that there’s way too much fusing of the two people and there’s a lot of reactivity. Each person is not allowed to have their own opinions, but they’re kind of eyeing at the other person to see what they’re going to do.
Often when people think of toxic relationships, they think of this latter group of enmeshed relationships where there’s a lot of controlling, yelling, screaming, throwing objects. Yet, even within that enmeshed dynamic are things like guilt-tripping or not allowing the other person to have time with their own friends, etc.
So, this is a spectrum; there’s not categorical difference. It’s just that more often than not in a “toxic” couple, it’s likely that one person is leaning more towards enmeshed and one leans more toward apathetic. So in other words, we call this the PURSUERS and WITHDRAWERS. This is a common couple that shows up in couples’ therapy where one person is like, “we need to spend all of our time together,” and the other person is like, “we don’t need to spend all of our time together.” Usually, they come in a set.
Everyone Has Their Own Individual Needs
I work with a lot of healers, and there’s a reason for that. It’s because how they serve others often is a reflection of them trying to do their own trauma work. They just do it accidentally. Because of their own families of origin or childhoods, they haven’t been given a lot of experience of having their needs recognized as valid and being given space and permission to cultivate their individuality.
These individuals find their worth and value being very much connected with how they connect with other people. So, BURNOUT, RESENTMENT, feeling GUILTY about doing self-care—those are the common reasons why people reach out to me. It’s not because they want to be a better healer per se, but it’s because they’ve done that too much to the point of depleting themselves. However, they still have needs, and that might be a rude awakening for them. So, in their work with me, we unpack like, “okay there are some relationship dynamics that have been celebrated in your family of origin or maybe all of society, and that’s not sustainable.”
So how do we go from whatever your relationship dynamic is (enmeshed or apathetic) where there isn’t enough space for both of you, to shifting towards and creating a different kind of relationship where there is space for both of you to fully exist in your individuality. Neither party is inherently good or bad, but when there is empathy or connection, it’s a true connection. It’s not a result of someone having to sacrifice themselves for the other party’s needs.
Using Outside Information to Understand the Self
The healers who reach out to me tend to be depleted because they’re doing two people’s work instead of just their own and having their partner or family member or friend do their own respective work. That part is super hard because their bodies have been trained to OVERLY take on responsibility. That’s a conversation in of itself, but it is a way for the person to feel in control in some sense, but they accidentally end up stealing the other person’s opportunity to do their own work and grow.
We tend to connect with other people in the way that we're used to in life, so it’s really hard to change ourselves and our ways when we’re using ourselves as a reference guide. It’s not going to work because the reason why we got to where we are now is because we got here by consulting ourselves.
Often, anything that involves a person learning or gaining information from the outside—books, podcasts, seminars, therapy, other relationships, etc.—are all fantastic ways by which we get to learn about ourselves.
To give you an example, I am a first-born, second-generation Korean American, meaning my family moved to the States from Korea, and I thought for the longest time that it was totally normal for dads to live part-time in the States and part-time in Korea. In Korea, there’s a word for this, it’s called “albatross dad.” A lot of it happens to be when the father is like a traveling professor or based on work. I thought that was super normal until I was in college, Thanksgiving was about to come around, and my friends were telling me what they were going to do with their family. It was the weirdest thing hearing them say they’re going to hang out with their dad. I was like, “how does that make any sense.”
Sometimes we learn more about ourselves when interacting with other people or gaining information from the outside.
Resources to Help You Move on from Toxic Relationships
There are some books/resources I recommended. The two favorite ones are called Safe People written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (the same people who wrote the book on boundaries) and Radical Candor written by someone who worked on a lot of companies in Silicon Valley.
Radical Candor is when a person is able to have HIGH REGARD for BOTH themselves and others at the same time. And when one is missing, you get one of the other three arrangements. Those three arrangements are:
Obnoxious aggression—when there’s only room for one’s own needs and not for others.
Insincere manipulation—when a person is neither particularly caring about themselves or the other person.
Ruinous empathy—where there’s a high regard for other people, but very low regard (fi at all) for themselves. This group is mainly the people I work with.
All three of those don’t fall in the radical candor category. Part of the work that they do in therapy is to learn how to balance out how to regard for themselves just as much as they do for other people. Often the fear is “if I take care of myself, I’m taking away from other people. No, you’re taking care of yourself JUST AS MUCH AS you do for other people.
There’s some retraining from messages they’ve picked up growing up or from their own churches or society at large. A lot of women and minorities fall into that category. It is an example of empathy is not always a good thing in the same way that hope is not always a good thing. There are healthy ways of doing it; there’s an unhealthy way of doing it. In the same way, there are definitely unhealthy ways of doing guilt and anger (which is how most people know them), but there are instances where anger and guilt are absolutely necessary.
Rounding out the full spectrum of emotions, considering oneself as just as important as the other person, it’s not EITHER/OR, it’s BOTH/AND—Safe People and Radical Candor are my go-to resources for that.
Process of Cultivating Healthier Relationships
Transitioning from toxic relationships to cultivating healthier ways of maintaining connections is a very gradual process. If people could simply choose healthy relationships, they would’ve done it already. It’s a very gradual process because our own bodies resist sudden changes. It’s the reason why dieting programs don’t work.
It’s an equilibrium point where healthy people are not drawn to unhealthy people and unhealthy people aren’t drawn to healthy people for very different reasons. Healthy people aren’t drawn to unhealthy people because it’s too chaotic; unhealthy people aren’t drawn to healthy people because it’s too boring. People have a very visceral reaction internally, where sometimes—even for people who lean more towards unhealthy even though they’re wanting to grow—their bodies RESIST something that would be more lifegiving because the nervous system has been so trained to object that upfront as a way of preventing an even deeper, scarier, pain.
I work with a lot of ruinous empathy, a lot of healers, a lot of compassionate responsible types. A lot of people have opportunities to choose a healthy relationship where the other person really cares about them, but they turn that down because it’s scarier for them to be an actual healthy relationship because what happens if it falls apart? That means it confirms that “nobody is going to love me.” That happens on a very subconscious level; it’s not something people deliberate, but that’s the degree to which there’s such deep physiological wiring within the brain.
In the last episode, we talked about how the brain isn’t just one brain, the thinking part, but it’s also the emotional and reflexive part, all these parts are interconnected, so you can’t just pick and choose what to focus on. Some people will have very visceral reactions where they push away good things. This probably shows up in the way people do their own faith relationships with God. God is trying to give them all these good experiences, but the person is like “no, I’m unworthy” and reject it upfront. So you can take the relationship with God as a significant attachment relationship, so the stuff I’m talking about applies there too. It’s fascinating especially with Christian circles how much that ruinous empathy piece kicks in. It’s not healthy y’all. There is something that’s far, far, greater and deeper, but we’ve assumed that that is what is healthy.
Toxic Relationships in the Bible
I think there are many more examples of toxic relationships in the Bible than there are healthy ones. I do want to quickly touch on the fact that toxicity doesn’t mean the same thing as abuse. There is a kind of toxicity in relationships, and it’s called neglect. Oftentimes abuse and neglect get lumped together in one, but they are very different. Abuse is the PRESENCE of a BAD thing; neglect is the ABSENCE of a GOOD thing. We must consider both of those things at the same time.
Let’s consider the first book of the Bible, Genesis. I think the bulk of that book is about Joseph. We cover several generations of his family—Abraham, Issac, Jacob, and Joseph at the end. I think that’s one of the clearest examples of there being so much drama between family members. There’s lying, cheating, favoritism, exclusions, rivalry, competition, all kinds of stuff. That happened because each generation didn’t do their personal work.
Now, these are the fathers of the faith, Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, people will speak very highly of them, but actually, the chapters that describe what happened in the subsequent generations is because the previous generations didn’t do their work. There are patterns in these dynamics, like lying, cheating, etc. So when it comes to Joseph, I think his experience shows why it’s so important for people to do their own personal work and what happens afterward.
We see Joseph after he has been sold by his brothers and spent all this time completely cut off from his family. His parents thought he was dead, but in seeing and reconnecting with his brothers as the second in command in all of Egypt, I think if I was in his position, I would’ve made some very different decisions with all that power. There could’ve been moments of retaliating and punishing, and I wouldn’t blame him. But there is one particular section where it talks about how he sent his brothers out, and he just cried. I would say he probably wasn’t crying solely because he was sad, crying isn’t just about sadness, he was probably full of rage, full of hurt, feeling hopeless and powerless, and he wrestled with God when he was thrown into the hole in the ground and into the prison, he had a really rough life. In each of those moments, he struggled with God like, “how do I make sense of this awful thing that happened” that he had no control over and nothing to do with. The worst thing he did was maybe brag to his brothers that he had a cool coat. There’s nothing that he’d experienced that was warranted from what he did when he was a child.
By the time we get to the end of Genesis and before we read about his sons going forward, there’s that scene that’s so moving about how he was so struggling internally while he was trying to do the right thing. If I were to choose any Bible story to highlight why therapy is so important, it would be that. It’s saying that you have a responsibility to shift how things go going forward. It is not your fault that you experienced all this stuff, but you technically have power and influence in what happens going forward, so will you take that shot or not? That’s the big question a lot of people are presented with, especially for parents.
Tools for Understanding Your Relationship History
A big part of helping people through toxic relationships is helping them understand their relationship history. Most people will be able to recall certain events that have happened in their life, but they will probably consider those events in isolation and unrelated. There are a few exercises I do for this. One is the Top 10 list. They write down their top 10 best memories and top 10 worst memories. They put it all on a single sheet of paper, and after they’re all done, they zoom out and see if there are any patterns between those different events. Because sometimes, when we’re stuck in our ways, it’s hard to tell how those things influence us.
They put those things on a Life Timeline, positive memories above, negative memories below. It gives them a bird’s-eye-view. It helps people draw connections that were always there but just didn’t show up in the same way as they do in these exercises.
Similarly, there is another exercise called the genogram, which is a fancy family tree. Instead of writing down names, there’s information regarding different individual traits—each member of the household, parents’ generation and grandparents’ generation, any big events that any of the family members went through, things like immigration, wartime experiences, traumas of actual events or growing up in a very harsh neighborhood, etc. All those things get added onto this diagram that reveals also the relationship dynamics between individuals. It’s a very visual image.
I have one for Ross Geller to see how there are so many things that are going on between different members that are not always visible. It’s not always a physically explicit event, but when grandpa shows up, everyone turns their heads elsewhere. Those things, when we see it in visual form, it’s like, “okay now I can take my genogram and next time I see my family for Thanksgiving it’s like, oh yeah, there’s a lot of stuff happening that never occurred to me because this is the air that I breathed growing up.”
These are the exercises are super helpful so instead of me telling people what to do differently, unless they know how they’ve been up to this point, it’s really hard to change what you don’t know. The other two resources, the Safe People and Radical Candor books are other frameworks for people to locate themselves and know what to do going forward.
In the last post, I talked about the Enneagram, which people may have mixed feelings about, but it’s one of the ways by which I’ve supported people connected with their core needs, fears, experiences, it’s also what happens in our physical bodies on a nervous system level.
I have videos about relationships and I have a blog page filled with posts about relationships. So, if you’ve connected with some of the things in this discussion today, check out those resources.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Moving on from Trauma
I sat down with Melissa Moore and Faith Hope Love to chat about trauma, its symptoms, and how we can retrain ourselves to move on from trauma.
Here’s a video about moving on from trauma. Melissa Moore invited me to talk about dealing with trauma on the podcast, Faith Hope Love in the Momentum Series. Scroll down for a transcript. And follow Faith Hope Love on Youtube.
Defining “Trauma”
My definition of “trauma” is broader than how it’s formally utilized in the mental health spaces, and part of that is because a lot of the people I work with haven’t necessarily experienced what people consider to be “big traumas” like car accidents or parents divorcing. Since many of these individuals are internally oriented, a lot of them are Highly Sensitive People, etc.
I define “trauma” more openly, so it’s not just the big “T” “Trauma” like those really big, observable events on the outside, but also it could be a LONG, EXTENDED PERIOD OF IRRITATION OR AGITATION. So for example, someone grows up in a home where nobody really acknowledges emotions, or where there’s a lot of criticism. If a person has grown up living and breathing that as the norm, they just assume that that is the normal experience. It’s not until they interact with someone who’s grown up in an entirely different environment where they’re like, “Oh, wait.” Then they look back on their own experiences and redefine or redescribe what they’ve been through.
If I have a formalized definition of trauma that I use with my own clients, I would say that it’s any experience— either OBJECTIVE (being on the outside or observable from the outside) or SUBJECTIVE (meaning felt on the inside) that stirs up HEIGHTENED, intense feelings of feeling OUT OF CONTROL, TRAPPED, OR ASHAMED.
Different Reactions, Same Event
This definition I use is not according to the bible for therapists, the DSM, so it’s not a mental health diagnosis definition, but the reason I expanded the definition is because two people can go through the same event and have very different takeaways. For example, two people can be in the same car when there’s a car accident, and one person will have a really hard time and that’s going to mark how they move forward for the rest of their lives where they feel really guilty or really afraid, whereas the other person in the car is like, “Oh, I’m so thankful I’m still alive!”
That’s one example. Another is, let’s say for a non-intense event, someone who is called out in the middle of a classroom by their teacher in fifth grade and asked to answer a question on the board. Some kids will be like, “Alright, I’ll rise to the challenge and show off what I can do!” Whereas another kid is going to go bright red, fumble over their words and shut down, and that is what might be driving a lot of the things they do as an adult—working really hard so they are never caught in that position again.
I hope that my definition makes it so that a lot people can consider their own experiences and be like, “Oh, yeah that was a hard experience for me, maybe I do need some more support for that, I’m not the only one.”
Symptoms of Trauma
In terms of trauma symptoms, I can use what the DSM uses as indicators. The four main indicators are:
Re-experiencing
Avoidance
Negative cognitions and feelings
Heightened reactivity
Re-experiencing
With re-experiencing, a person in the present is going through a brand new situation with new people, new details, etc., but the situation reminds them or reminds their body of this scary thing that happened in the past. So, this can come in the form of intrusive thoughts, memories, sometimes people may re-experience similar situations in their dreams when they’re sleeping, or they’re in the middle of their workday, and they have a very sudden shift in their thoughts and emotions.
Avoidance
Because it’s so uncomfortable to feel those feelings, people try really hard to avoid anything that remotely reminds them or their body of that situation. So for example, a person experiences a really harsh breakup, and they try really hard to never even drive down the street that they drove down with their previous partner. They are spending a lot of energy and effort trying to not engage with that scary experience or anything that reminds them of it.
Negative Cognitions and Feelings
Understandably, if a person spends a lot of their energy trying to avoid these difficult experiences (even perceived ones), then it’s going to shape how they feel about themselves, how they feel about others, the world, etc. Things like “I’m always going to be in these kinds of relationships,” or “I just can’t trust other people because other people are untrustworthy,” or “the state of the world is not great and it’s always going to be this gloom and doom out there.” Most people who’ve had at least one big trauma or multiple small traumas can live in a way where their perception is colored by their experiences, not reflective of what’s actually happening in front of them.
Heightened Reactivity
With heightened reactivity, the person is generally very irritable, they can be jumpy at different sounds, their moods can change very rapidly. On a nervous system level, their bodies are in this heightened sense of something is going to happen and they have to be extra cautious, which is exhausting to live like that. Even when things are actually okay on the outside, when a person’s body is always tense, even small things may be enough to tip the scale.
Finding Relief for Trauma
It’s helpful for people to know that their well-intended efforts to avoid negative feelings or experiences usually backfire. It’s like trying to stick a beachball underwater. The further down the ball gets stuffed down, the more pressure buildup there is. Eventually, you lose control of it, and it will just pop back up, make a huge splash, everything gets wet and messy.
So, with trauma’s heightened sense of feeling out of control, trapped, or ashamed, our bodies are designed to heal themselves, and triggers are actually attempts for the body to try to heal itself. It’s just that the way by which it’s trying to do so doesn’t always happen at the most convenient moments or in the most helpful ways.
Let’s say a person gets triggered by a word that a friend says. The friend didn’t do anything to cause the pain, but the body is like, “Uh, oh, we’re going to that place again.” When the person gets triggered, if we label that as a bad thing, then yeah, the person should avoid the situation at all costs, but if we re-interpret that as the body’s attempt to try to heal, we get the memo, take it and say, “okay, something inside of me is trying to get my attention. I need to attend to this as soon as possible. It might not be while I’m in the middle of a conversation with my friend or doing work, but I still need to give space to this. Otherwise, it’s going to be that beach ball underwater.”
So part of the way to help oneself heal from trauma is to give more space to the uncomfortable experience, not less. It’s kind of like being on a roller coaster. It’s really intense, there are lots of loops and lots of dizziness, and it seems like it’s going to last a long time, but really it’s two minutes long. The issue is that when people’s bodies get triggered, it’s like being a roller coaster, but the roller coaster gets stuck at the top of the ride. It doesn’t actually make it through to the other side. Because that experience is so intense, people try to get really hard to get off the rollercoaster in the middle of the ride, and it’s just not going to go down well.
Things like brainspotting as a type of therapy is one way for people to get to the other side of resolving the difficult intensity of experience, but there could be many other ways of doing so as well, like performance arts, bodywork like yoga, any kind of journaling exercise where the person is giving intentional space to it. It’s important to manage how much intensity they’re giving to it at a given time, but it’s still important to give more space to it than less. It’s a little bit counterintuitive than what people may expect.
Re-Training our Bodies
The thing is that with trauma, the worst thing has already happened. It’s in the past, it’s one and done. Now, if a person is still in a triggering or traumatic situation, yeah, get out of it as soon as possible. But for most people who’ve had trauma, the trauma is a past event. The worst part has already happened; it’s just that the triggers that our bodies engage in say, “we’re not sure whether that bad thing has actually come to an end.” And so, what’s more likely is that what’s happening right now, the current relationship you’re in, the current work relationship you’ve gotten yourself into, is more likely to be technically better than what’s happened back then, but your body just doesn’t know how to tell the difference.
It’s really hard to make sound decisions when we’re in a lot of confusion. Connecting with a therapist is one way we can have other frames of reference to retrain our bodies to know that what’s happening in front of us should be considered a brand new event, not as an exact replica of what’s happened back then.
I work with a lot of people who are in romantic relationships and their partner has a way about them that ignores emotions. Yeah, the partner has to do their own work for sure. But the way the body interprets what’s happening is as if it’s the same as when they’re getting criticized growing up. Back then, when they were really vulnerable, they really didn’t have any way of soothing themselves. And that’s hard to expect the partner to be able to do the heavy lifting on behalf of those old relationships and previous people.
Body, Mind, and Emotions in Scripture
There’s such intricacy in how our bodies are meant to work together. It’s not just about thinking soundly, addressing emotions, or doing the right thing, all of these are very much interconnected. That’s even reflected in several parts of scripture.
One of my favorite parts is in Romans 12. People have memorized parts 1 and 2. First, it says something like, “Therefore, brothers in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as holy sacrifices.” And then verse 2 is like, “make sure to renew your minds so that you don’t align with the way the world operates.” The first 2 verses are talking about the body and the mind, and the emotions kind of come in at the end in verses 5 and 6. But even then, it’d be doing a great disservice to us, and in a way, a dishonor to God, to consider that only one part of us is important by ignoring the rest.
So it’s kind of like splitting hair sometimes to think about our thoughts, our emotions, and our body experiences as being distinct. They definitely have different roles, but there’s so much interconnection and so much order to them that I think it does highlight the majestic work that God does. It’s not just about memorizing and reciting the proper verses. It’s not about giving full control and full reigns to our emotions, but that we’re supposed to heal in a very intricate way.
An example of that is Jesus with the Bleeding Woman. There’s a lot of layers of healing in that one particular experience. Jesus could’ve just fixed the physical ailment of it; she probably would’ve been happy with that portion of healing. But there’s this whole interaction with making sure she hangs out a little bit longer in a huge crowd of people—that’s healing for the soul portion.
She has been pushed to the side on the outskirts of society and is now given center stage for everyone to see that she is a beloved daughter. That is retraining the mind on how she sees herself and retraining everyone else’s mind on how they should consider her. It’s also a very heightened, emotional, intense experience.
One of the things I mentioned as a marker for when an event is traumatic is heightened, emotional, intense experiences of feeling ashamed. Well, Jesus put this woman front and center saying, you are beloved, you are worthy. It’s not because your bleeding problem has been resolved, but it’s because she is who she is. If you read through parts of the Bible through that lens that our thoughts, emotions, bodies are CONNECTED, then you won’t just see physical feelings for people. When Jesus interacts with different people, you’ll see that there are so many other aspects of pain that Jesus also healed.
Healing Inside and Outside
God wants our healing more than we want our own healing. It’s not just like, God changing our citizenship status to being citizens of heaven. That’s easy. But it’s us about catching up with what our status really means. Not just technically having access to His kingdom and some perks that go with it, but really being inhabitant.
I think the language around adoption is another example of that. I’ve heard a story of adoptees who technically became sons and daughters of a family. But it took a long time before they were able to live knowing that they’re sons and daughters. It’s an entirely different experience altogether. I don’t think it’s just about having a technical change in one’s status or getting enough trauma therapy that you no longer have a mental health diagnosis of PTSD. There are so many needs that are really important beyond just symptom management. God really wants people to receive His powerful healing from the inside out in all areas of our lives.
Healing with the Enneagram and Brainspotting
One of my favorite techniques is the enneagram. As I mentioned earlier, two people can go through the same event and have very different takeaways because their personalities are very different. They’re focusing on different themes, different needs, different fears. So unless we attune to each person for who they actually are, it’s going to be hard for them to find the deep healing that they need.
They both have anxiety, but for different reasons. One person is because they’re comparing themselves to an unbelievably high standard and they will never find themselves able to hit the mark, whereas another has anxiety because they’re super self-conscious of how other people see them. Unless we really know what is going on internally with a person’s personality—which is the way that the person has coped through life—it’s going to take a while. Otherwise, it’s kind of like throwing a bunch of things at them and hoping something sticks.
The metaphor that I use with the enneagram is that you go to the massage therapist and they ask a bunch of questions like, “what would you like attention around today? Are there any areas you want to avoid? Let’s look for some knots that are built into your body and let’s massage them now so you can full access to your whole body all over.” Otherwise, those knots are just pulling away at different areas for extended periods of time.
Brainspotting, which is a form of trauma therapy, is the actual massaging out those knots. It’s a type of trauma therapy that our bodies naturally know how to do. Imagine having a hard experience, and then you go to sleep, and then in the deep, dreaming process, your brain is coming up with all kinds of weird details and scenarios that don’t really make sense, but then that’s kind of how your body metabolizes and works through a lot of those difficult emotions and situations. Brainspotting is when a person does that while they’re awake in therapy.
Instead of falling into the deep end, the therapist is able to pull them out of the deep water when the session is about to end because time’s run out or when things get really intense. So, those are the main two resources that I use when supporting people with different kinds of traumas—brainspotting and the enneagram. A lot of the work that I do is around relationships and difficult emotions. I also do a lot of teaching too about what each emotion means about the person needs. They aren’t as chaotic and random as people think they are. There is a logic to it; it' just doesn’t follow the same rules as intellectual logic.
Borrowing Hope on the Road to Healing
As I mentioned earlier, the worst part has already happened, so even when we experience reminders of that, they are short. They can be overcome, but a lot of it involves courage and encouragement. We were never meant to heal from our experiences alone. So, really connecting with a lot of safe people where you can take off all your masks, and you can show up as yourself, and you know you’re not going to be judged. It’s a really important, essential factor that people need to do the healing work.
Aside from a therapist, friends, or sometimes a family member, our partners might be a huge agent of healing for us. It’s definitely is possible to work through these super scary experiences, and it’s so worth doing the work, and until then, it might be hard to imagine it. So until that time, your safe people—including your therapist or pastor or whoever—you may borrow the hope they have on your behalf. It’s okay if you feel scared or unsure.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
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Don't know your Enneagram type?
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Nervous System Health: Stuck On & Stuck Off
When traumatic events throw healthy nervous systems off track, we can get into “stuck on” and “stuck off” modes, making it hard to balance between relaxed and alert. When we’re stuck in these modes, we fall back to our habitual reactive patterns. This post can help you determine if your nervous system is stuck “on” or “off.”
Not 1 but 3 Brains
This might be new information, but we don’t have ONE brain, we actually have THREE BRAINS.
We have the thinking, executive brain that plans things makes executive decisions and implements them, and can think in the past or far ahead.
We have our feeling and emotional brain, which is very relational. It tunes into other people’s facial expresses and cues and responds accordingly. It’s also the part that holds our emotions and big events in our lives, both harsh and great.
Finally, we have the bottom part of the brain that’s reflexive, called “lizard brain” that regulates all regulated aspects of our being—the things we have no control over, like pupil dilation, heart rate, blood flow, etc.
Give all the things going on in the world, the country, in our local areas, within our relationships, I wouldn’t be surprised if our bodies are being bombarded with all kinds of stress that it doesn’t know how to decompress from. Our habits of thinking, feeling, and doing are on hyperdrive as our bodies are trying to cope and survive.
Healthy Nervous System
Smooth Flow
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
This is a visual of what happens within our nervous systems. We have what’s called a “Sympathetic Nervous System” (SNS) at the peak, which is the activity and energizing focus dedicated part of our nervous systems where we are alert in the day, we’re trying to get things done, and we’re active. We’re increasing in activity and arousal (stress).
Then we have another part of our nervous system called the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS), which is when our bodies are the opposite—more relaxed, grounded, slow, and deliberate. Imagine having a big Thanksgiving meal and feeling super groggy afterward because you’re in a food coma. That’s the parasympathetic kicking in.
Throughout a normal day, our nervous systems are supposed to be in this particular window (normal range) where there’s a smooth and easy flow between the Sympathetic Nervous System as we wake up in the morning, stay alert in the day, and then after 1 or 2 o’clock hits and you feel the crash coming where you need an extra cup of coffee. Then another burst of energy that slowly tapers off as we finish the work day, to return home, veg for a bit, then do something stimulating (watching TV, hanging out with friends) until it’s time to hit the sack.
On > Off > On > Off - a rhythm that repeats throughout the day in a smooth curve. That’s what’s supposed to help us stay present and connected, not in our reactive autopilots.
(Our Enneagram types reveal what our reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing are.)
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
Nervous System Overload
Spikes between “Stuck On” and “Stuck Off”
We’re generally supposed to stay in the normal range. However, when we experience a very harsh situation, either a single, acute event or a chronic series of lower-grade events, it overloads our nervous system and we don’t know how to decompress or heal from that. That’s when we jump into the Un-Discharged Traumatic Stress System.
We can compare the sympathetic to parasympathetic flow of the normal range to how the event (or series of events) overload the system. There’s TOO MUCH STRESS going on and it’s not discharged, which means it’s stuck in our bodies and doesn’t know where to go.
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
Some of us may switch into what’s called “STUCK ON” where our nervous systems are on hyperdrive. The sympathetic nervous system—which is the alert and activity part—kicks in really hard, where the person is spinning in anxiety, they’re trying to be really active and get onto tasks. These tend to be the folks who push themselves really hard, have a hard time settling, spin into being hypervigilant, are very irritable, have digestive issues, etc.
Then there are some of us who go down into the “STUCK OFF” position in our nervous system. The systems shut down. People get really slow and sluggish, they have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, they have a hard time focusing because it requires so much energy which they don’t feel like they have, there’s very low activity in the body, low blood pressure, etc.
Some of us might go to the “stuck on” where we go into hyperdrive too long, sometimes people stay in “stuck off” position too long where it’s hard to get ourselves to do anything, whereas some people oscillate between “stuck on” and “stuck off” while completely skipping over the normal range window.
Stuck ON/OFF and Reactive Autopilot
When our bodies are so overloaded, we can’t help but kick into our reactive modes. Our bodies are trying to cope, trying to survive, trying to get by, and early on in life, those habits were super useful. But when we’re adults, those patterns don’t work in the ways that they were intended anymore. Sometimes they generate problems, like being hyperfocused and hyperalert has been useful for some time, but sometimes a person might be really irritable in that place and then they get into a fight with their partner, and now there’s yet another thing they have to deal with. When you are within the normal range, you should recognize a sense of choices and options rather than default reactions.
Credit: Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Dan Siegel
The goal is to find ways to come back within the normal range. When someone is “stuck on,” the goal is to try to find ways to down-regulate. If you have a hard time relaxing, it’s about finding ways to simplify things, do things deliberately more slowly, find ways to switch breathing zones (deep, belly breathing instead of the top chest, rapid breathing).
Find out ways you can take care of yourself, especially through this very stressful time with the pandemic. Not only are we experiencing very acute stressors that are very intense and out of nowhere, but we are also experiencing low-grade chronic, drawn-out stressors as well.
If you find yourself resonating with these experiences, you’re NOT ALONE and you’re NOT BROKEN. There’s nothing wrong with you, but it does mean that you’re HUMAN and your limits are actually good. It’s telling you now’s the time to limit all that you’re carrying and focus back on YOURSELF. To help you focus on the self and discover strategies to return to the normal range, check out my blogging series on self-care.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Who is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?
The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who has the four distinctive traits DOES: (D) Depth of Processing, (O) Overstimulation, (E) Emotional Reactivity & Empathy, and (S) Sensitivity to Subtle Stimuli. HSPs help our society become more empathic, reflective, and interconnected. Learn more about life as an HSP and their specific needs.
Who are Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)?
I don’t know about you, but I have been told many, many times that I am just too damn sensitive because my mood changes very often, or I notice the slightest changes in lighting or notice lint on the ground, and I can’t “just get over it.” So I’m here to talk about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) trait, and I’ll describe the four main distinctive features of the HSP.
HSPs comprise 20% of the population. That’s a BIG amount of people. It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a problem. But a lot of the challenges that HSPs like myself face is that technically, we’re in the minority. We’re the minority in a country and a context that’s not very kind to minorities, so often HSPs feel very misunderstood. They feel judged and shamed because they don’t fit the mold for what the rest of the population tends to experience just fine.
D.O.E.S.: The 4 Traits of HSPs
The acronym D-O-E-S, these four letters correspond with the traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs. So they are:
D is for DEPTH of processing.
O is for OVERSTIMULATION
E is for EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY and EMPATHY
S is for SENSITIVITY to subtle stimuli
D: DEPTH of Processing
HSPs tend to take in a lot more quality and quantity of information from the world around them. Imagine a person being a blu-ray imaging in a DVD world. Compared to the vast majority of the population, HSPs take in far more stimuli like what’s happening, sensory information, emotional information.
Not only do they take in a lot more quality and quantity of data, but they also run that through a very fine sieve internally. They are very deliberate, very thoughtful, very reflective and it takes a while. Usually, you can’t just throw information at them; HSPs usually need some time away to process and digest everything. They’re not as speedy as some of the rest of y’all might want HSPs to be.
O: OVERSTIMULATION
Due to Depth of Processing, HSPs often get OVERSTIMULATED. Because of all the stimuli that’s taken in from the outside and all the churning that’s happening on the inside, HSPs get overwhelmed very easily. As a result, the nervous system tends to shut down more, causing HPSs to overwhelm easily. Their minds get very fogged, their eyes glaze over, they are very frazzled and irritable. This happens not necessarily because they are angry, but they are trying to take in and digest all the stuff their bodies have absorbed from around them.
To deal with this, HSPs may need to have some dedicated time in very low-stimuli environments—silence, solitude, and stillness. They need to get away from all the noise and all the people. For myself, after a long day, I need to take a good 10-15 minutes with the lights off, in my room, by myself, under a weighted blanket. It helps my body come back online. So if HSPs withdraw, it might not necessarily be because they don’t want to talk to you, it might be because they are overwhelmed.
E: EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY + EMPATHY
I mentioned HSPs take in a lot of outside information. Part of that information is around EMOTIONS. Because they notice subtleties in facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, they’re able to pick up on the emotional cues of other people. This is not something they do on purpose. It’s very reflexive; it happens without them knowing it. But because they are attuned to the emotional feelings of other people, they might feel feelings about other people’s emotions, not just because they might sense some of the pain they are experiencing, but because if they see an angry or grumpy expression in someone else, their own nervous system starts responding accordingly.
Not only that, HSPs tend to be very reflective internally, so they can even notice the nuances in their own emotional experiences. Sometimes HSPs can have feelings about their own feelings, so they may find themselves in an emotional feedback loop. They start looking internally, and the more they focus on the different nuances of emotions, they build up like a snowball. All this focus on the details starts amplifying themselves, which is why HSPs are often seen as being very sensitive or very emotional.
S: SENSITIVITY to Subtle Stimuli
If you think about the 5 senses — sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing — HSPs pick up on those really readily. This is a great thing in some instances, like they are very good with the arts or aesthetics because they have a dedicated focus on making sure things are in good harmony or aligned well. This can also backfire, like noticing the scratchy tags on the back of the shirt or being really bothered that a particular picture frame is out of alignment, etc. The sensitivity can be a double-edged sword.
Resources for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Remember the 4 traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs, D-O-E-S (Depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity and empathy, and sensitivity to subtle stimuli). If all these 4 things (to varying degrees) resonate with you, there’s a good chance you might be a Highly Sensitive Person. Again, this is not a diagnosis. And HSPs are also different from each other, so you’ll resonate with these things on a spectrum.
The reason it’s important for people to know whether or not they are HSPs is because the things that the rest of the world needs for themselves as non-HSPs don’t always apply to HSPs. Being an HSP in a non-HSP-dominant environment presents some very difficult circumstances. I live in the Silicon Valley in the United States, and there is a high emphasis on being the best or having things be bigger, better, louder, faster. Those are values that don’t often align with the HSP trait. So, if that same person were to live in Japan or another country that is very HSP-friendly, those people will be celebrated, whereas, in this environment, they might have a really hard time.
Find out what your specific needs are because they MATTER. It’s just because they are often misunderstood, it may take a little bit longer for you. If you’re interested in HSPs, you can check out my resource page for HSPs or pick up a copy of the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, which is a fantastic resource. She also wrote some books that specifically serve HSP children and being in love as an HSP or with an HSP.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Juggling Too Many Balls? Which to Keep and Which to Drop
Juggling many tasks and responsibilities is HARD. Prioritize tasks before making irreparable mistakes by identifying which of these juggled “balls” are made of rubber, glass, or wood.
Two Hands, but Too Many Responsibilities
As a solopreneur private practice therapist, running my own business while redesigning my website, branding, and attending to other to-dos can be overwhelming. Having so much to juggle, I find myself confused about priorities and which tasks need my attention first.
LOTS of my clients have the same problem—so much to juggle! From working moms, single parents, full-time workers, ministry leaders, and more, attending to all of these responsibilities is HARD, especially for people who serve as the main pillars of their home and supporting the whole family. It can be so so easy to forget yourself in the midst of all the hurry.
Many of my clients are particularly susceptible to neglecting themselves when the responsibilities pile on. As mostly Enneagram Types 1, 2, 4, and 9, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), and caretakers, my clients have a tendency of attending to the needs of OTHERS before their own, until they hit burnout or build a lot of resentment.
Sound like you?
This brief mind exercise can help you assess all you have to juggle and quickly determine which items will break or bounce and which ones to drop altogether — giving you the tool to prioritize what matters most and tend to your own needs.
Juggling in a Crisis
In times of crisis, juggling responsibilities can be even harder. If you’ve been having a harder time managing everything during COVID-19, you are NOT alone. During the pandemic, we’ve encountered numerous changes to our daily lives, adding more balls for us to juggle. And the pandemic is NOT the only crisis.
A crisis can be any drastic change to stress levels, such as a death in the family, a new baby, loss of a job, putting more on your plate. When we encounter a crisis, we MUST switch gears on how we operate. We can’t keep running at the same speed while taking on more tasks and making more adjustments.
If you try to juggle all the balls, you WILL drop some (or most). Decide which ones you could afford to drop before the juggling decides FOR you.
Rubber, Glass, or Wood?
Imagine that you are a juggler handling lots of balls, where each ball reflects a particular task or responsibility. More and more balls get added to the act when you encounter a crisis. Some things that get added don’t matter as much, but since there is so much movement in the mix, you don’t notice exactly which ones hold less importance.
Discerning whether a ball is made of RUBBER, GLASS, or WOOD is key.
RUBBER BALLS
These are tasks or aspects that DO matter, but they have some resilience/sturdiness or are able to be outsourced. Even if you drop these, they’ll bounce back and be fine.
Example #1: your kids’ grades during the pandemic.
In normal times, you might help your kids with homework, sign them up for extra-curricular activities, etc., but during a crisis, academics may be less urgent. Their grades are STILL important, but there are ways to attend to them LATER; they can afford to wait.
When the dust settles with the pandemic, you can catch up on these needs through tutoring or remedial work.
Example #2: FINANCES
So many people I’ve worked with have built an emergency fund only to NOT use it, because they’re so used to minimizing their own struggles and downplaying their own needs.
Emergency funds are useless if you’re dead. If you feel like you’re DROWNING, perhaps NOW is precisely the time to tap into that! When you feel like you can BREATHE again, then replenish that rainy day fund.
Example #3: WORK
I work in the Silicon Valley with tons of people who put their careers center stage. I’ve seen people make huge sacrifices for their career goals and become miserable.
Work may SEEM like work is absolutely essential, but what good is making a lot of money if you can’t ever use it? WHY are you working? What are you working FOR?
Do check to see whether you’re pushing yourself so hard because you feel like there’s no other option. Panic brain is a TERRIBLE consultant in isolation (think “Fear” from Inside Out). Your industry or professional field may also have vested interests in telling you, “You better _____, OR ELSE.”
When your body shuts down from slaving away for 60+ hours a week and you’re lying on a hospital bed, don’t be surprised if your coworkers and boss (who are slaves themselves) don’t show up. Show up for the people in your life who will ALSO show up for YOU.
GLASS BALLS
Glass balls are tasks that really matter and will NOT bounce back if dropped; they are not resilient and sturdy, and they are irreplaceable. They might get scuffed up or scratched, sometimes cracking, other times shattering altogether.
It is extremely difficult (and costly) if not impossible to repair damaged glass balls. Best to never drop them at all.
Example #1: Your Health
You have ONE body, ONE brain, and ONE heart. Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. When any of these give out, you’re DONE.
Don’t think you’re saving money by not paying the copay for physical check-ups. You might miss the chance to do something about a condition that’s totally treatable early on, but that might become severe or terminal when left unaddressed.
(The same applies to your mental/emotional health, btw. The consequences of burnout, depression, or anxiety is MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE than therapy, y’all.)
Example #2: Your RELATIONSHIPS
No one ever PLANS on getting divorced when they get married. It HAPPENS because many signs were ignored. Statistically speaking, most couples reach out for couples therapy SEVEN YEARS TOO LATE. By the time they sit down on the therapist’s couch, their relationship is so far gone that it’ll take a miracle for them to work through all the pain, strain, and blame.
Don’t assume your loved ones will continue to give you a break when you cancel on them. Don’t make it so that NO ONE shows up while you’re lying on a hospital bed except to maybe ask you for the Netflix password.
WOOD BALLS
Rubber balls are important, but NOT urgent. Glass balls are BOTH important AND urgent. Wood balls are neither important NOR urgent. They’re just CLUTTER - things that got thrown into your juggle cycle because you couldn’t pay attention to what it was and didn’t screen for it.
Examples?
Helping a friend gather signatures for a petition that doesn’t matter to you but you didn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying no.
The third book club that you signed up for because you had FOMO.
Responding to every single email to get the satisfaction of hitting email zero.
Spending hours on Amazon because it’s Prime Day.
What do you do with wood balls? If you feel overwhelmed and frenetic, this is not the time to also juggle wood balls. DROP THEM. NOW.
When you feel rested and are able to move at a leisurely pace - that’s the time for you to (consider) playing with wood balls again.
DISTINGUISH THE THREE!
Take some time to discern what you’re juggling. Here’s a past blog to help prioritize tasks and some reflection questions.
HOW MANY balls are you juggling right now? Write a list of all the things that you’re carrying.
How many balls are RUBBER? (Which are resilient - can afford to take a hit and can bounce back)? (color: pink)
How many balls are GLASS? (Which could be permanently impacted if dropped or are difficult to repair?) (color: blue)
How many balls are WOOD? (Which don’t make a difference if you forget them?) (color: brown)
What are some glass balls that fell to the floor and need to be repaired?
Which rubber or wood balls SEEM like glass? Which can you drop NOW?
If you find that most/all of them seem like glass balls, decide which 3 things are absolutely essential - these are your glass balls. Treat the rest as if they’re rubber. If you carry too many grocery bags at once, you WILL drop them. So PICK which two bags to carry FIRST.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Reverse Bucket List: Recording Wins to Build Momentum
You’ve heard of the Bucket List. How often do you look at such a list and think, “I’ll never get there”? Well, we can actually BUILD motivation and momentum by going the opposite direction with the REVERSE Bucket List!
Only Noticing the Disappointments?
As we stray further and further from the start of the year, we might find ourselves reflecting on the goals we set—a new job, stronger relationships—you name it. If you’ve kept up with that—congrats! But the majority of us fizzle out quickly, losing energy with every new complication life throws at us.
When we lose energy with our goals, it can be easy to fall into routine thoughts. “I’ll never change” or “I don’t even know why I try.”
Sound familiar? That cycle of shame feeds off of this feeling of being “stuck,” unable to make changes and reach our goals. Some ways we’ve talked about healing this thought process is to view your “cycle” as an upward-moving spiral or to set new intentions rather than goals. Today’s post will work a little like this. It’s all about recognizing changes you’ve already made with a Reverse Bucket List.
What’s on Your Reverse Bucket List?
You probably know the bucket list—it’s that list of things you want to do before you “kick the bucket.” We’re all familiar with it, but most people don’t check off their bucket list items. Those goals are FAR-OFF, UNCLEAR, DISTANT, or NOT ACTIONABLE—all factors that make it hard to take action and make changes.
Bucket lists aren’t very helpful because they’re based in a DISTANT future—so distant that we might not have any intention to take the necessary steps to attain these things.
Instead, the REVERSE bucket list goes in the other direction. While the bucket list points to the future, the reverse bucket list points to the PAST up into the present. It helps us RECOGNIZE our past achievements and moments we are proud of so we can notice changes. When we work on acknowledging small change, it helps us appreciate our forward movement, even when life feels at a standstill.
How to Use the Reverse Bucket List
Follow these instructions to help you get started on your reverse bucket list and use the example as a guide!
Divide a piece of paper into two columns where the right column is wider than the left column.
Pick a starting point in the past. (A standard starting point is from one year ago.) Write the month and year at the top of the left column.
Fill in the rest of the left column with the month and year working from the starting point all the way back to this month and year.
As best as you can remember, jot down all the things you achieved and all the things you are proud of for each month. Nothing is too small to include here! (E.g., “I declined extra work from my boss this month” or “I expressed my anxiety by writing a poem.”)
You don’t have to follow this list chronologically. Jump around and fill in the months you recall easily, bounce back and forth between months, fill in the reverse bucket list whichever way fits you best.
Keep adding to this list every month! As this month comes to a close, ask yourself, “What did I accomplish this month? What am I PROUD of? What CHANGES did I make? What did I do well? What good habits did I maintain?”
I keep a reverse bucket list in my phone’s “Notes” app and add to it continuously. That way, I can recall the list as a reminder anytime I need to—highly recommended!
Drawing Strength from the Reverse Bucket List
Most of my clients have a habit of giving credit to OTHERS without giving much credit to THEMSELVES. They are self-critical individuals who struggle to recognize their own changes and accomplishments. The reverse bucket list intends to remind such people that you have had a lot of FORWARD movement even when things feel like they are the same.
When you make small (even unconscious) changes throughout life, it can be hard to notice the impact they have, and you can still get caught in that “shame cycle” mindset. But the reverse bucket list helps record those micromovements and can serve as a reminder of changes when you feel stuck at different points in life.
Want help with your emotions?
Grab your 9-page free guide, “How to Work with BIG Feelings: Anger, Sadness, & Fear”
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Bridge Exercise: Escaping "Stuckness"
Feeling stuck in life? Not sure how to get to where you want to be? Tap into your brain's ability to ideate solutions through the Bridge Exercise!
Feeling Stuck and Uninspired?
In another blog, I talked about feeling STUCK and discontent with life, wanting to make changes but not sure where to start. To combat it, we focused on taking ACTION through concrete steps and deadlines, but that might be an overwhelming starting point for some people.
Instead, the Bridge Exercise provides a new way to push for changes by VISUALIZING challenges we face and what can help us overcome them.
The Bridge Exercise
The Bridge Exercise is a tool to help you quickly understand where you are now, where you’d like to be, and what’s in the way of that, similar to the post on Taking Action. Instead of focusing on bite-sized steps though, the Bridge Exercise functions VISUALLY, encouraging you to tap into your emotions to find your challenges.
To complete the activity, divide a landscape piece of paper into the sections like the following image, or download and print the PDF handout.
Bridge Exercise Steps
Without using words or symbols, you will depict different areas of your life on the piece of paper. Use anything you have on hand—markers, watercolors, pens—feel free to get as creative as you want!
In part 1, depict where you are in the PRESENT. In which areas of life do you feel stuck? What does this look like? What does it feel like? What might that look like visually? (Remember: there are no wrong answers!)
(E.g., a person may feel stuck in their current relationship. Maybe they fight often, leaving them ridden with anxiety and guilt, or that their sensitivity is not respected, leaving them unfulfilled.)
In part 2, envision where you’d like to be in the future. What does that vision hold for you? What does it have that your present does not have? What emotions does this future evoke?
(E.g., that same person may envision a relationship with balance and reciprocation where both parties matter.)
In part 3, picture what seems to be in the way of the future you envision. What are the obstacles, blocks, and gaps from reaching this future?
(E.g., this person might be stuck in a one-sided relationship, feeling stuck in a shame cycle, and finding it difficult to find balance.)
Lastly, in part 4, “the bridge,” think about what connects part 1 (where you are now) to part 2 (where you want to be) by getting over part 3 (the blockade). Are there SOLUTIONS to overcoming these obstacles? What might those solutions look like?
(E.g., the solution could be a new relationship or building boundaries that work towards radical candor or a strong, balanced relationship.
Applying the Bridge Exercise
This exercise helps us think about our obstacles and solutions without overwhelming us with tasks. It works as a preliminary step to finding the reasons for feeling stuck and the changes needed to find solutions and take action. Visualizing obstacles and solutions is a vital step for improving relationships, identifying idleness in work lives, and realizing other uninspiring aspects of life that can use your attention and recharging. When you’re ready to take action, head over to the Taking Action post to help you get started.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Power of Perspective: Cycle or Spiral?
You may feel sometimes like you’re going in circles - expending so much energy, time, and resources to change, only to find yourself in the same place all over again. As more time goes on, you feel like the future is bleak - what’s the point of trying, if it’s going to be the same? Perhaps what’s the issue is not what’s happening but how you perceive what’s happening. What if you ARE actually changing?
Going in Circles
I thought I dealt with this already. Why am I going through this again?
Am I always going to be attracted to the same kinds of assholes?
Are things never going to get better?
Maybe you’re getting into fights with your partner again, and you’re thinking, “I TOLD myself I wouldn’t do this again,” only to find yourself doing the thing again. The same feelings arise, the same words are said, the same dance is danced, and you’re sick of it.
Maybe you vowed to actually finish a project this time, to find out that, ALSO this time, you didn’t.
You might be feeling stuck in your own reactive patterns, helpless to do anything about it. No amount of books you read, seminars you attend, and exercises you try seem to do the trick.
If you find yourself feeling like you’re in the exact same place despite all attempts to change, you might be stuck in a SHAME CYCLE.
The Shame Cycle
In the shame cycle, you keep feeling trapped, going around the same bend. There seems to be no development, and all attempts of change seem negated.
The first time you go around, there’s frustration (“Argh!! What the hell??”) and impatience (“Why isn’t this changing more quickly?!?”). With a burst of motivation and tons of creative juices flowing, you might push yourself (“This time, I’ll get it right.” “Maybe if I change this one thing…”)
When that doesn’t work and you see the same dynamics again, you might try pointing the finger outside yourself with anger/blame. “This time it wasn’t my fault.” “They did this to me; they messed me up.”
Several more rounds of this, confusion, anxiety, and despair set in. “Why can’t I shake this off?” “Why can’t I figure it out?”
Each round you go, you lose energy to bother trying anything different. Frustration and impatience give way to apathy and complacence. “What’s the point, if I’m only going to end up in the same spot anyway?”
Each round you go, you feel more and more hopelessness and defeated. “What if this is all who I am? Maybe I’ll just be this way forever.”
Each round you go, your self-esteem takes another blow. At first, there was guilt (“I messed up.”). Now there’s shame (“I’m messed up.”)
When you get to this point, your nervous system - overloaded with all the stress - starts to collapse.
FIGHT doesn’t work.
FLIGHT doesn’t work.
So FREEZE sets in.
This shutdown can lead down some dark paths:
Depression - you feel nothing will change, the future looks bleak
Anxiety - you feel out of control and disoriented
Shame - you see yourself as permanently flawed
The Resilience Spiral
For ANY human being going through a legit growth process, there WILL be moments when you’ll feel like you’re going through the same thing over and over again.
That’s VERY HUMAN and VERY NORMAL.
(You’re okay! I’m here, too!)
Even when we make similar kinds of reactive, autopilot decisions, NOT EVERYTHING is exactly the same. Some things are indeed different, and possibly different for the better.
When we start looking NOT for what’s the SAME but for what’s DIFFERENT, what we perceive changes: what we’re walking is not a CIRCLE, but a SPIRAL.
Depending on what angle you’re looking at, a circle is a top-down (or bottom-up) cross-section view of a spiral. It’s 2D, not 3D. It’s missing a whole dimension, namely TIME, and how much things have CHANGED over time.
Not a SHAME CIRCLE (where you slow down/stop), but a RESILIENCE SPIRAL (where you keep moving ahead/up).
Sure, you might be doing at Age 29 the kinds of things you did at Age 19 (like procrastinating hard core on a work project like you did on school assignments). But 29-You is WISER than 19-You, because you’ve gained some experience and learned some things (many the hard way). You might still procrastinate, but Older-You will wait ‘til the week preceding the deadline rather than the literal night before, because now you know that your body will definitely NOT be able to pull a Red Bulled all-nighter and survive a full work day.
29-You also knows that if you keep getting defensive when your partner brings up important topics, y’all will go another several rounds of flinging criticism at each other, with neither party coming out on top and both of you losing.
29-You also learned two years ago that sometimes it really DOES help to tell your partner, “Hey, I’m noticing I’m feeling really tense right now because I got off a long day at work. I need some time for my body to catch up to my brain, plus I’m really hangry. Can we eat and hang out first, and then talk about this around 8pm?”
Initially there might still be some annoyance for both of you, but in the end, the thing actually gets talked about and both of you get your needs met much more effectively than you did two years prior.
Give yourself more credit. You’ve earned it.
Hear me out. I am NOT a fan of “Fake it ‘til you make it” or “Look for the silver lining!” I’m not going to tell you to artificially make up something positive just so that you can feel better about yourself, because that’s still a distortion (just going the opposite direction).
I’m just saying, GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for things you’ve ACTUALLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.
Why is this so important? Because your body needs to know that you are an AGENT, meaning a being that can produce a specified effect. Overgeneralizations like “Always” or “Never” statements overload your nervous system, and it collapses beneath it. Once despair kicks in, the mind develops “learned helplessness”, meaning you live AS IF you are truly helpless even when there are things technically still within your control, responsibility, and ability.
Some things ARE outside of your control. That’s fine. You’re not supposed to do anything with them anyway. The point is for you to take ownership of things that ARE within your ability to do something about it. Keep your nervous system online with concrete evidence, including things that you did WELL and things that DID change for the better.
OWN the outcome, good and bad:
If bad, OWN that, repair the situation, learn from it, and try doing something new. Adjust as you go.
If good, OWN that and keep doing more of the same until you learn something that works even better.
Spiral, not Cycle
Some questions to ponder:
What’s your “reactive autopilot mode”? What are some patterns you have in your life, work, or relationships that seem to be stubbornly persistent over time? (The Enneagram might be a useful tool in revealing your autopilot.)
What are 1-3 things that DID change? (Think frequency, intensity, duration, quality, or direction.)
For example, you might still have generally one-sided relationships, but you’re more selective about with whom you’re connecting for what, stir up less emotional intensity in new connections, calibrate how much of yourself you share with others, or say no more often.)
Intentionally LOOK for small improvements in yourself or any situation. When we seek these exceptions, it’s easier to build upon our existing momentum to continue healing, growing, and changing for the better.
EVEN WHEN things FEEL the same, there are STILL differences.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Get UNSTUCK from DISCONTENT
Feeling stuck and dissatisfied with life? Use this vision exercise so that you can break out of the swamp of discontent and break down big, abstract dreams into concrete, bite-sized actionable steps.
Complacent with Feeling Dissatisfied?
Have you found yourself settling for your current job or relationship? Maybe you feel detached but not quite unhappy enough to make a change.
You might be STUCK in a sense of idleness, comfortable with the security even when you feel uninspired or dissatisfied.
You might get stuck in the meaningless monotony because you undervalue your own talent or capacity for meaningful life or overly accept messages that you don’t matter or don’t deserve better or can’t do great things.
You might escape or get lost in fantasy rather than actually taking concrete action steps to make these ideals a reality. You may sigh wistfully and think, “That must be nice,” and then chug away at the same-old, same-old.
Your fear of the unknown might overwhelm you and tell you to play it safe. What’s toxic but familiar might feel more manageable than what’s awesome but unfamiliar. Even though the current situation sucks, at least you know what’s coming.
You might have tried taking action in the past, but were told, “It’s unrealistic.” “How are you going to make a living?" “Grow up. You can’t always do things you like.” (Not realizing that sometimes other people project their OWN bitterness, head trash, and grief,) You fold up that bright vision board, tuck it inside a journal, place it back on the shelf. After a few years, your mind forgets, but your heart doesn’t, and every once in a while you feel the agitated pull towards that SOMETHING that seems so distant but oh so lovely and familiar.
You may not know exactly WHAT to change in your life and HOW, but THAT you long for something different - that’s a great place to be! I’ll walk you through an exercise I do with my clients in therapy to help you crystalize your grand ideals, make them concrete and actionable, and map out your quest to make it all happen.
Spoiler Alert: the condensed version of this exercise is FEEL, then THINK, then DO.
CONTAIN: Set a Final Deadline.
When I’m working with someone who is so stuck in their life, work, or relationships, I start with one simple question:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place TWO YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “Meh, I think I can hang in there for a few more years,” then it’s as if they can AFFORD to settle and putter around for longer. Then my follow up question is:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place FIVE YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “HELL NO!!” to either of the two questions, then we have a final deadline - the absolute point of no return they NEVER, EVER want to reach if they can do anything about it.
Bump up the timeline from five years to three years, etc. until you find the threshold of dissatisfaction, the point at which you notice negative emotions. (Contrary to public opinion, emotions like nausea 🤢🤮, anger 🤬, fear/dread 😨 are very useful signals to what the hard deadline is.)
Once there’s a hard deadline, NOW you can reverse engineer to defining the concrete, doable action steps you can start taking in present day.
NOTE: If the answer is even the five-year question is still “Meh, yes,” we might have a different issue altogether. Maybe emotions of shame 😞, guilt 😔, or numbness 😑 might be on hyperdrive, so that those might have to get addressed first before doing this exercise. Maybe your outlook on life is one where you’re supposed to just “hang in there” or not have any desires or needs. If this is the case, professional therapy would be a good call.
DREAM BIG. Like, REAL BIG.
Now that you have a deadline, let’s figure out the destination.
If _______ years from now you were EXACTLY where you WANT to be, what would your ideal life/job/relationship look like?
Brainstorm a list of words (in no particular order) or scribble with colors until you run out of things to put on paper. These could even be things that seem silly or “out there” - that’s the point!!
For the purposes of this exercise, DON’T put any restrictions on yourself. Too often, people prematurely judge, censor, or edit their dreams and vision so that they shoot the baby in the cradle.
Don’t settle and do more of the same (you’ll end up in the same spot). Give yourself PERMISSION to imagine BEYOND what seems within your reach, what’s DIFFERENT from how things are now.
If you’re feeling stuck, practice connecting with your EMOTIONS, which are directly connected to your deepest, legitimate needs. What needs to show up in your life so that you feel FREE? INVIGORATED? BELONGING? AT PEACE?
NOTE: Sometimes our daydreams and fantasies reveal what we need in ways that our thinking brain won’t allow ourselves to connect with. What scenarios or images do you tend to daydream or fantasize about?
Pull that vision chart you tucked into your shelf. Ignore all other critics - they’ve gotten a lot of airtime already.
Map Out Your Path
After you’ve exhausted your imagination and ideas, pick 1-3 things that you really want (these may be abstract or concrete). On a new sheet of paper (sometimes I use a big whiteboard) write:
Destination (2-5 years)
In ____ YEARS, I want:
To live in a city that’s close to national parks.
To upgrade my friendships (1-2 close friends, 5-7 social friends)
To choose a career path where I get to be energized and creative, not monotonous and meaningless.
Milestone (1 year)
The vision is set and nonnegotiable, but HOW you practically get there is still up in the air. NOW is the time to bring back the critics (treat them as CONSULTANTS - ultimately, you’re the boss!) so that they can help you build a concrete action plan around these visions.
In order to implement my visions, ONE YEAR from now, I need to:
Create a list of 2-4 different cities in the US that might be potential places to live, visiting at least one of them.
Create distance/boundaries with Friends X and Y. Create 1-2 new friendships.
Research 3-5 career options that involve creativity and spontaneity. Narrow list down to 1-2 options at the end of the year.
Consider SMART goals, or goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Sensitive.
Create Actionable Steps
Keep breaking these down into smaller and more manageable steps.
Checkpoint (3 Months - 1 quarter)
In order to implement my goals, THREE MONTHS from now, I need to:
Book a 1-week trip sometime this year to one of these cities.
Find a therapist who’s a great fit and learn more about my relationship patterns.
Pick one career option and do extensive research on what’s involved (grad school, relocation, etc.).
Benchmark (1 Month)
In order to implement my projects, ONE MONTH from now, I need to:
Pick a city I’ve always dreamed about living in and research what it’s like to live there (cost of living, public transportation, demographics).
Try at least 2-3 sessions with a new therapist.
Meet up with 1-2 people who’ve successfully changed their careers and are happy and thriving. Reach out to a career coach.
Step (1 week)
Don’t include these items on the board, but rather on sticky notes, since you’ll be going through a LOT of them over the year. Tasks should be bite-sized no-brainers, actions you can take within 5-10 minutes.
In order to implement my assignments, ONE WEEK from now, I need to:
Start saving $300 per month in a travel fund. Brainstorm some cities I’m intrigued in.
Read a blog about finding a therapist and clarify what I need. Contact 1-3 therapists.
Ask around for recommendations for a career coach or someone who’s changed careers. Contact them.
TAKE ACTION!
The short summary of this exercise is FEEL (dream), THINK (plan), then DO (action). You’ve done the first two already (by connecting with your emotions/needs and your consultants), so the next thing now is to DO THE TASKS!
No more hemming and hawing, dragging your feet, or making excuses. If you find yourself stuck again, chances are your tasks are actually assignments or projects (i.e., they could be broken down into even smaller steps.) Break it down into bite-size, then DO THE THINGS!
As you repeat this process every week (tasks), month (assignments), quarter (projects), and year (goal), you’ll find yourself actually closer to making your 2-5 year vision a reality.
No more waiting and being stuck!! Let’s get to it!!
If you’re needing help (or a switch kick in the tush), check out therapy or coaching!
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Radical Candor: Balancing Regard for Self and Others
Do you feel like your needs don’t matter, despite how much you do for others? Learn how to move towards radical candor, a relationship stance that creates room in the relationship big enough for both yourself and others.
Healthy Relationships Start with BALANCE
Connection with others varies from person to person. Sometimes you give more to the relationship, sometimes you might give less. Sometimes the relationship exists without much contribution from either party.
But the strongest relationships form when BOTH you and the other person make room for BOTH of your needs & wants. One person is not inherently more important than the other.
What makes this reciprocity possible? The ability to clearly and directly advocate for yourself while considering the well-being of both yourself and the other — what Kim Scott calls “Radical Candor”.
In this book, Scott outlines the four types of relationships defined by the balance or imbalance of self and others.
The 4 Relationship Quadrants
Kim Scott illustrates the four relationship types in an XY grid, where the X-axis represents care or regard for the self, and the Y-axis represents care or regard for others. When relationships have an imbalance of care for yourself or others, it can create relationships with conflict, resentment, shame, and inauthenticity. Learning which quadrants on the graph your relationships fall into can help you pinpoint areas to work on in order to achieve a balanced relationship that actively creates enough space for BOTH yourself and others.
Obnoxious Aggression
This relationship type falls into the bottom-right quadrant, reflecting a relationship with high regard for the self and little regard for others.
Characteristics:
Bully types or bossy.
Steamroll through relationships.
Don’t take feedback (e.g., disregard feedback or refuse to listen to feedback).
Unnecessarily aggressive (e.g., seem to look for challenges or accidentally challenge others often).
Rely on their power over others.
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to consider others/increase care for others. (E.g., practice reflecting on how others may interpret your words and tone. Will saying X hurt their feelings?)
Directly ask for feedback and respond to it for course-correction. (E.g., invite others to give you feedback. “How could I have addressed this better?” Consciously listen and implement feedback.)
Understand others are different from you. (E.g., not everyone has the ability to know their own needs as well as you do. Give people the space to understand theirs and feel safe to ask for your support.)
Don’t expect others to act as you do. (E.g., a person may not be able to stand up for themselves as you can.)
Manipulative Insincerity
This quadrant lies in the bottom left of the graph, depicting a relationship with regard for neither the self or others.
Characteristics:
Gossipers.
Show up in certain circles but do something else entirely different behind the scenes. (E.g., fulfills work roles adequately on the surface and disrupts working relationships with gossip amongst co-workers.)
Very surprising or mysterious. (E.g., others usually can tell where these people stand and their insincerity is not a complete shock. You can probably think of a few people like this in your workplace or social circles right now.)
Hard to read.
Interacting with these people might tense up the body.
Have a plastered/plastic smile with no “evidence” of what they are doing wrong. (E.g., appear friendly but inauthentic, and it is unclear why they appear inauthentic because there is no evidence of it.)
Use power indirectly. (E.g., guilt-tripping, gossiping, making fun of others, challenging the character of others, dismissive, etc.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to be direct with communication. (E.g., avoid using indirect means of power like guilt-tripping and dismissiveness.)
Learn how to state their own needs.
Honor and respect the other person. (People are different from each other and each deserves respect.)
Give information directly to avoid confusion or self-doubt from other parties. (E.g., instead of guilt-tripping a roommate to help with chores, tell them you need help maintaining the house upkeep.)
Ruinous Empathy
This person falls into the top left quadrant, where a person gives too much emphasis to others and not enough to the self. Most of my clients fall into this quadrant.
Characteristics:
Filled with guilt, anxiety, shame.
Have an allergic reaction to anger/highly sensitive people.
Overdo their empathy. (Empathy CAN be overdone and is not automatically a good thing.)
Empathy goes too far and leaves no room for the self.
On the surface, they are kind, serving, empathetic people, but this happens with an engine of shame behind the scenes. (E.g., shame may motivate a person to serve others because they feel like they are not enough.)
Overly extending self to others leads to burnout easily and creates a shame spiral. (E.g., “I should be able to do better,” self-judgment for “selfishness.”)
Can cultivate resentment when there is not enough time for oneself. (Resentment often shows up with guilt, and people may have a difficult time noticing and/or acknowledging this.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Must learn how to care for themselves as much as others. (This will feel selfish at first because you’ve been trained to center on others, but it is NOT selfish, it’s SELF-CARING. In order to deeply care for others well, you must care for yourself; otherwise, acts are tainted with resentment, guilt, and shame.)
Practice anger. (Let yourself feel angry and hurt. These emotions are not selfish to have.)
Practice self-care and self-compassion.
Do things that at first trigger a sense of guilt and shame—this indicates you are going in the right direction. (E.g., be honest about your needs and explain to your loved ones when they do something that upsets you. This will trigger a sense of guilt/shame at first, but these are necessary steps for balancing your relationship and moving into radical candor.)
Radical Candor
This is the ideal place for a relationship. In the top-right quadrant, this represents an equal balance between the self and others.
Characteristics:
Able to create balance where you know others matter just as much as you do, and you matter just as much as others.
Are able to speak up for their own needs.
Speaking the truth kindly but directly.
Intentionally addresses issues instead of skirting around problems.
Reaching Radical Candor
Moving into the quadrant of radical candor can be very difficult for some people. Being assertive about your own needs can be scary if you have trouble putting yourself out there or if you are scared of the negative reactions from others, but it is necessary work for strong relationships. When you consciously and directly address issues in the relationship or clearly communicate your needs, you give the other person a chance to repair and address these issues and needs. Waiting for others to fulfill needs and address issues that you skirt around or avoid speaking about lays the groundwork for an imbalanced relationship and resentment.
As you navigate your work and social life in the coming weeks, evaluate your relationships and see if you can identify which quadrant(s) you fall into. Is there a balance between yourself and others? From there, you can work towards achieving radical candor in your relationships.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Life Timeline: A Bird's-Eye View of Your Life
As a follow-up exercise to the Top 10 Best/Worst Memories List, the Life Timeline helps you visually see what larger periods of your life were like and recognize what kinds of needs were and weren’t met.
Emotions Running into the Present
In my last blog post, Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life, we discussed how to identify common emotional themes in a Top 10 Memory List. This list will be helpful for the Life Timeline activity.
Like the Top 10 List, the Life Timeline will help us discover common themes among our strongest emotional memories, but in a visual form.
Refer to your own Top 10 List, like the example below for this activity.
How to Create a Life Timeline
Draw a horizontal line on paper and plot years on this line in increments of 2 to 5 years. This is the base of your Life Timeline.
Using your Top 10 Best Memory List, plot the positive memories (green) ABOVE the timeline.
From Top 10 Worst Memories List, plot the negative memories (orange) BELOW your timeline.
Then, plot the neutral life events (blue) in the middle, such as moving, the birth of a family member, or beginning college.
Evaluating the Life Timeline
As with your Top 10 Memory List, identify common themes that cut through various memories with a bird’s-eye view.
What themes stand out to you? (e.g., “When problems arise, I feel I have no one to turn to.”)
Did some of your best and worst memories take place around any neutral life events?
Did some of your best and worst memories happen during specific periods of your life? (e.g., during childhood or college.)
What underlying emotions or reactions emerge from these memories?
Which periods were generally positive? Which were generally difficult?
Do you notice any familiar patterns? (e.g., loneliness, work-related stress, etc.)
Are any people in your life connected to these patterns?
Now that you’ve considered the themes and patterns of your Life Timeline, color code the periods of your life that have a generally positive or negative emotional undercurrent. Which two or three emotions would you use to describe these periods?
Untying the Emotional Knots
The Life Timeline allows us to visualize some of our most pivotal memories by stretching them over our lives, connecting them to ages and other life events. This visual, bird’s-eye view helps us reconnect seemingly isolated memories into the emotional undercurrent of our lives. As we become more aware of how emotions tie into our memories, we can better anticipate our emotional responses to new events as they arise.
What you feel indicates what you need in order to untie these difficult emotional knots. Identifying these rigid patterns is the first step to clarifying your needs, which makes it easier to get them met. Refer to your discoveries today and allow them to guide you into creating a better future. Now that you’ve defined some of your needs, impactful moments, and emotional undercurrents, we can determine how these build into your behaviors, and how the behaviors of yourself and others in your life can be safe or unsafe. The “Safe People” blog will help gauge your connections and provide a foundation for healthy relationships.
How does your family of origin experiences & patterns shape how you live & love today?
Wanna map out your relationship dynamics as influenced by your family of origin? Check out this blog about genograms, the family tree’s fancy cousin that has so much more info than just who’s who!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life
Learn how to create and use the Top 10 Best/Worst Memory list so that you can better understand how the past influences your present and thereby intentionally design a better future.
The Past is Still Alive
Key moments and memories from years (even decades ago) can still influence our emotions, relationships, and self-esteem today. Memories build into the fabric of our lives, and while we likely interpret memories as “good” or “bad,” we are not always able to identify the themes behind those memories and discover which events could be causing trauma, anxiety, or other difficult emotions. This is where a Top 10 List comes in.
What is a Top 10 List?
The purpose of the Top 10 List is to view these memories as part of a whole rather than random, isolated moments in our lives. Odds are that many of your best memories and worst memories have similar underlying currents that still affect your emotions and relationships in present day. Once you’ve written out what may seem like independent, unrelated events on a single sheet of paper, you may be able to better see the common threads that are still being woven today, whether you like it or not.
For this activity, divide a lined piece of paper into two columns. On the left side, list your Top 10 Best Memories; on the right side, list your Top 10 Worst Memories. Jot just a line or two—enough for you to understand what the memory is—and list the age that this memory occurred. No need to write an essay about each memory - we only need a Table of Contents for your life to use as a reference guide.
Look at the example chart below to help jumpstart your own Top 10 lists. These memories might be about connection, breakups, leisure, achievements, loss, disappointments, etc. Give yourself enough time to explore your positive and negative emotions. You can jot these memories in a notebook or use the downloadable PDF chart.
How to Evaluate Your Memories
After making your list, see if you can identify some common themes among them.
What themes stand out? (e.g., “Even if I mess up, someone always has my back.”)
What seems to matter the most to you? (e.g., success, relationships, money, self-reliance)
Are there common emotions associated with these memories?
What are the positive emotions (e.g., pride, belonging, connection)?
What are the negative emotions (e.g., failure, shame, guilt)?
What pained you the most?
What did you need that you didn’t get? (e.g., comfort, rest, friendship)
What are some familiar patterns you’ve found yourself in? (e.g., friendship fallouts, loneliness, thwarted projects)
Now, think about how these emotions and themes carry into the present. Do these themes trigger you emotionally? For example, if many of your worst memories tie in with you failing, it wouldn’t be surprising that the fear of disappointing others still has a strong presence in your life today in your professional life, personal relationships, etc.
The Future is Not Yet Set: What Now?
The Top 10 List gives you a bird's eye view of your life so that, informed by your life narrative, you can intentionally weave the future in alignment with your wants and needs.
Now that you know what you know about yourself, what would you like to do differently going forward? Keep the same?
What are some stubborn patterns in your life that seem to repeat against your will? What do you need to do to get unstuck?
The first step at working through these knots is identifying the common threads as revealed by your emotions since what you FEEL reveals what you NEED. Then, you can take this to the next level and visualize these feelings and needs in the Life Timeline.
As you move forward this month, notice which emotions are stirred up, because the present is simultaneously the past in the making and a chance to design the future.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Reducing Stress with the React or Respond Chart
The part of your brain that helps you make wise, sound decisions to manage stress is the very part that also shuts down when you pass a certain threshold. Keep yourself grounded and balanced with this handy worksheet!
Autopiloting in Stress
Think about the most recent time you reacted in ways that made things worse.
You got chewed out by your boss at work, came back home agitated, and kicked the dog who bit you back.
You feel overwhelmed and anxious about that big project, yet you find yourself putting it off and beating yourself up about it.
Even though you feel lonely, you have a hard time reaching out to others because you don’t want to burden anyone. So you Netflix binge to numb your feelings, to feel even worse afterward.
Sound familiar?
When our stress levels get past a certain point, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain behind our forehead that makes wise, sound decisions to help us function in life) actually shuts down. In this space, we are more likely to make reactive decisions that often make things worse, not better. Best intentions won’t play out the way we want until we can soothe our nervous system, reduce our stress levels, and turn the prefrontal cortex back online.
When we’re not aware of how we’re doing, we are likely to react and self-destruct because our stress compounds. When we are aware of how we’re doing, we’re more equipped to respond and do self-care that actually reduces stress. Writing out our usual dynamics on paper usually makes it easier for us to notice these patterns in the future, giving us a chance to shift out of reactive habits that usually get us into trouble.
When we are in different states of stress, we tend to exhibit familiar patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Sometimes we might not realize how stressed we are until we see some of these signs.
Prepare for war during times of peace, not times of war! Plan ahead what you can do to take care of yourself while your prefrontal cortex is active, because when stress levels strike, you’re not going to be able to do that effectively.
The React or Respond Chart is a tool to learn more about your autopilot habits and to preplan some self-care steps. Consider this a cheat sheet for you to refer to when you notice you’re becoming more stressed.
How to Use the React or Respond Chart to Reduce Stress
If I were a fly on the wall observing you in your natural habitat, what are some things I’d see you doing? How would I be able to tell how stressed or relaxed you are?
In this chart, there are three rows (Safe Zone, At-Risk Zone, Danger Zone) and four columns (Behaviors, Emotions, Cognitions, and Self-care/Safety Plan).
The numbers on the left indicates your stress level on a scale of 1 (low stress) to 10 (high stress). Each row describes what you tend to do (Behaviors), feel (Emotions), and think (Cognitions), along with some ways you can take care of yourself (Self-care/Safety Plan) to reduce your stress levels in the corresponding stress “zone” you’re in.
Safe Zone (stress level 1-4) - when you’re the most relaxed, grounded, rested, and energized
At-Risk Zone (stress level 5-7)- when you’re doing well enough to function, but if a few more stressful things happen, it may knock you off balance and tip you over into the red
Danger Zone (stress level 8-10)- when you’re really not doing well and you’re having strong reactions that make things worse for yourself and/or others
Fill this chart in from the bottom up (Safe Zone to Danger Zone) through each of these dimensions of yourself:
Behaviors - What might a fly on the wall see you doing?
Emotions - What do you tend to feel? (Think MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB if you need a starting point)
Cognitions - What do you tend to think about yourself? Others? Life? The world?
Self-care/Safety Plan - What are some activities or exercises you can do to reduce your stress and help you soothe?
*It’s TOTALLY okay if you are having a hard time completing this chart. You might ask someone who knows you well and with whom you feel comfortable to fill this out with you.
Here are some examples:
Safe Zone (stress levels 1-4)
Behaviors - socializing a lot, singing while doing chores, playing music, yoga, hammocking
Emotions - peaceful, excited, energized
Cognitions - I am safe, I know how to do this, others care about me
Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to keep you in the green) - calling a friend to let them know how I’m doing, eating healthily, reading books, find a hobby, meeting with a therapist or life coach routinely to continuously grow
At-Risk Zone (stress levels 5-7)
Behaviors - keeping to myself, spending more time alone, snapping at others, Netflix binging, tunnel visioned, take things personally, overworking
Emotions - tense, irritable, overwhelmed, rushed
Cognitions - Why do I always have to do things by myself? Others can’t be trusted, or I don’t know how to do this.
Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to get you back down to the green) - taking a vacation, asking others for help, delegating tasks, working out, put limits on what to focus on, don’t start new projects, meeting with a therapist to learn self-care and stress management skills
Danger zone (stress levels 8-10)
Behaviors - drinking to numb out, trouble sleeping (too much/too little/inconsistent), isolating and not talking to anyone, not going to work, stuck in bed for days at a time, causing fights with loved ones
Emotions - shut down, rage, depressed, hopeless
Cognitions - I hate myself, I hate life, No one’s going to miss me anyway, Things will always be like this, I can never get anything right
Self-care/Safety Plan (how to reduce stress ASAP) - schedule an appointment with a doctor or therapist, call someone you feel most safe with and ask for help in deciding what you need to do next
Reducing Stress: Self-Care & Safety Plan
Whereas the first three columns of Behaviors, Emotions, and Thoughts are what you naturally tend to do without trying, the last column of Self-care/Safety Plan involves things that you would do on purpose. This is where you can identify hobbies or things you gravitate to, such as doing jigsaw puzzles, gardening, playing music, or reaching out to a friend. Self-care is a little different from behavior in that this is meant to keep you in the safe zone (grounded and more energized).
Often when stress levels tend to rise, our hobbies are usually the first things to go, even though they’re precisely what we need SO THAT we can keep our stress levels low. Make sure the activities listed in this box are very simple, concrete, easy things that you can do or start doing within 3 minutes. The more abstract or less defined these activities are, the less likely you’ll actually do them when you need to.
If you’re feeling stuck on this part, talk to a friend or a therapist who can help come up with ideas of things you can realistically do.
When you’ve filled out the chart, make 2-3 copies. Post one copy where you see it often (e.g., the fridge, on your work desk, on your nightstand) and give a copy to someone who can refer to this to care for you well (e.g., partner, close friend, family member, therapist).
What’s Your Baseline?
Based on what you’ve written in the chart, on the 10-point stress scale, what seems to be your baseline stress level nowadays? Do you find yourself around a 6 or 7, teetering the edge of the Danger Zone? Or close to a 4 or 5 where you can readily scoot down into Safe Zone?
Circle that baseline number, and set an intention of lowering that over the course of the next month, either with the help of a loved one, self-development books or podcasts, or therapy.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
See how the Enneagram and genogram reveal trauma, boundaries, and generational patterns in families like the Bridgertons — and maybe yours too!