Complacent with Discontentment?
Have you found yourself settling for your current job or relationship? Maybe you feel detached but not quite unhappy enough to make a change.
You might be STUCK in a sense of idleness, comfortable with the security even when you feel uninspired or dissatisfied.
You might get stuck in the meaningless monotony because you undervalue your own talent or capacity for meaningful life or overly accept messages that you don’t matter or don’t deserve better or can’t do great things.
You might escape or get lost in fantasy rather than actually taking concrete action steps to make these ideals a reality. You may sigh wistfully and think, “That must be nice,” and then chug away at the same-old, same-old.
Your fear of the unknown might overwhelm you and tell you to play it safe. What’s toxic but familiar might feel more manageable than what’s awesome but unfamiliar. Even though the current situation sucks, at least you know what’s coming.
You might have tried taking action in the past, but were told, “It’s unrealistic.” “How are you going to make a living?" “Grow up. You can’t always do things you like.” (Not realizing that sometimes other people project their OWN bitterness, head trash, and grief,) You fold up that bright vision board, tuck it inside a journal, place it back on the shelf. After a few years, your mind forgets, but your heart doesn’t, and every once in a while you feel the agitated pull towards that SOMETHING that seems so distant but oh so lovely and familiar.
You may not know exactly WHAT to change in your life and HOW, but THAT you long for something different - that’s a great place to be! I’ll walk you through an exercise I do with my clients in therapy to help you crystalize your grand ideals, make them concrete and actionable, and map out your quest to make it all happen.
Spoiler Alert: the condensed version of this exercise is FEEL, then THINK, then DO.
CONTAIN: Set a Final Deadline.
When I’m working with someone who is so stuck in their life, work, or relationships, I start with one simple question:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place TWO YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “Meh, I think I can hang in there for a few more years,” then it’s as if they can AFFORD to settle and putter around for longer. Then my follow up question is:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place FIVE YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “HELL NO!!” to either of the two questions, then we have a final deadline - the absolute point of no return they NEVER, EVER want to reach if they can do anything about it.
Bump up the timeline from five years to three years, etc. until you find the threshold of dissatisfaction, the point at which you notice negative emotions. (Contrary to public opinion, emotions like nausea 🤢🤮, anger 🤬, fear/dread 😨 are very useful signals to what the hard deadline is.)
Once there’s a hard deadline, NOW you can reverse engineer to defining the concrete, doable action steps you can start taking in present day.
NOTE: If the answer is even the five-year question is still “Meh, yes,” we might have a different issue altogether. Maybe emotions of shame 😞, guilt 😔, or numbness 😑 might be on hyperdrive, so that those might have to get addressed first before doing this exercise. Maybe your outlook on life is one where you’re supposed to just “hang in there” or not have any desires or needs. If this is the case, professional therapy would be a good call.
DREAM BIG. Like, REAL BIG.
Now that you have a deadline, let’s figure out the destination.
If _______ years from now you were EXACTLY where you WANT to be, what would your ideal life/job/relationship look like?
Brainstorm a list of words (in no particular order) or scribble with colors until you run out of things to put on paper. These could even be things that seem silly or “out there” - that’s the point!!
For the purposes of this exercise, DON’T put any restrictions on yourself. Too often, people prematurely judge, censor, or edit their dreams and vision so that they shoot the baby in the cradle.
Don’t settle and do more of the same (you’ll end up in the same spot). Give yourself PERMISSION to imagine BEYOND what seems within your reach, what’s DIFFERENT from how things are now.
If you’re feeling stuck, practice connecting with your EMOTIONS, which are directly connected to your deepest, legitimate needs. What needs to show up in your life so that you feel FREE? INVIGORATED? BELONGING? AT PEACE?
NOTE: Sometimes our daydreams and fantasies reveal what we need in ways that our thinking brain won’t allow ourselves to connect with. What scenarios or images do you tend to daydream or fantasize about?
Pull that vision chart you tucked into your shelf. Ignore all other critics - they’ve gotten a lot of airtime already.
Map Out Your Path
After you’ve exhausted your imagination and ideas, pick 1-3 things that you really want (these may be abstract or concrete). On a new sheet of paper (sometimes I use a big whiteboard) write:
Destination (2-5 years)
In ____ YEARS, I want:
To live in a city that’s close to national parks.
To upgrade my friendships (1-2 close friends, 5-7 social friends)
To choose a career path where I get to be energized and creative, not monotonous and meaningless.
Milestone (1 year)
The vision is set and nonnegotiable, but HOW you practically get there is still up in the air. NOW is the time to bring back the critics (treat them as CONSULTANTS - ultimately, you’re the boss!) so that they can help you build a concrete action plan around these visions.
In order to implement my visions, ONE YEAR from now, I need to:
Create a list of 2-4 different cities in the US that might be potential places to live, visiting at least one of them.
Create distance/boundaries with Friends X and Y. Create 1-2 new friendships.
Research 3-5 career options that involve creativity and spontaneity. Narrow list down to 1-2 options at the end of the year.
Consider SMART goals, or goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Sensitive.
Create Actionable Steps
Keep breaking these down into smaller and more manageable steps.
Checkpoint (3 Months - 1 quarter)
In order to implement my goals, THREE MONTHS from now, I need to:
Book a 1-week trip sometime this year to one of these cities.
Find a therapist who’s a great fit and learn more about my relationship patterns.
Pick one career option and do extensive research on what’s involved (grad school, relocation, etc.).
Benchmark (1 Month)
In order to implement my projects, ONE MONTH from now, I need to:
Pick a city I’ve always dreamed about living in and research what it’s like to live there (cost of living, public transportation, demographics).
Try at least 2-3 sessions with a new therapist.
Meet up with 1-2 people who’ve successfully changed their careers and are happy and thriving. Reach out to a career coach.
Step (1 week)
Don’t include these items on the board, but rather on sticky notes, since you’ll be going through a LOT of them over the year. Tasks should be bite-sized no-brainers, actions you can take within 5-10 minutes.
In order to implement my assignments, ONE WEEK from now, I need to:
Start saving $300 per month in a travel fund. Brainstorm some cities I’m intrigued in.
Read a blog about finding a therapist and clarify what I need. Contact 1-3 therapists.
Ask around for recommendations for a career coach or someone who’s changed careers. Contact them.
TAKE ACTION!
The short summary of this exercise is FEEL (dream), THINK (plan), then DO (action). You’ve done the first two already (by connecting with your emotions/needs and your consultants), so the next thing now is to DO THE TASKS!
No more hemming and hawing, dragging your feet, or making excuses. If you find yourself stuck again, chances are your tasks are actually assignments or projects (i.e., they could be broken down into even smaller steps.) Break it down into bite-size, then DO THE THINGS!
As you repeat this process every week (tasks), month (assignments), quarter (projects), and year (goal), you’ll find yourself actually closer to making your 2-5 year vision a reality.
No more waiting and being stuck!! Let’s get to it!!
If you’re needing help (or a switch kick in the tush), check out therapy or coaching!
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!