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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
Juggling Too Many Balls? Which to Keep and Which to Drop
Juggling many tasks and responsibilities is HARD. Prioritize tasks before making irreparable mistakes by identifying which of these juggled “balls” are made of rubber, glass, or wood.
Two Hands, but Too Many Responsibilities
As a solopreneur private practice therapist, running my own business while redesigning my website, branding, and attending to other to-dos can be overwhelming. Having so much to juggle, I find myself confused about priorities and which tasks need my attention first.
LOTS of my clients have the same problem—so much to juggle! From working moms, single parents, full-time workers, ministry leaders, and more, attending to all of these responsibilities is HARD, especially for people who serve as the main pillars of their home and supporting the whole family. It can be so so easy to forget yourself in the midst of all the hurry.
Many of my clients are particularly susceptible to neglecting themselves when the responsibilities pile on. As mostly Enneagram Types 1, 2, 4, and 9, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), and caretakers, my clients have a tendency of attending to the needs of OTHERS before their own, until they hit burnout or build a lot of resentment.
Sound like you?
This brief mind exercise can help you assess all you have to juggle and quickly determine which items will break or bounce and which ones to drop altogether — giving you the tool to prioritize what matters most and tend to your own needs.
Juggling in a Crisis
In times of crisis, juggling responsibilities can be even harder. If you’ve been having a harder time managing everything during COVID-19, you are NOT alone. During the pandemic, we’ve encountered numerous changes to our daily lives, adding more balls for us to juggle. And the pandemic is NOT the only crisis.
A crisis can be any drastic change to stress levels, such as a death in the family, a new baby, loss of a job, putting more on your plate. When we encounter a crisis, we MUST switch gears on how we operate. We can’t keep running at the same speed while taking on more tasks and making more adjustments.
If you try to juggle all the balls, you WILL drop some (or most). Decide which ones you could afford to drop before the juggling decides FOR you.
Rubber, Glass, or Wood?
Imagine that you are a juggler handling lots of balls, where each ball reflects a particular task or responsibility. More and more balls get added to the act when you encounter a crisis. Some things that get added don’t matter as much, but since there is so much movement in the mix, you don’t notice exactly which ones hold less importance.
Discerning whether a ball is made of RUBBER, GLASS, or WOOD is key.
RUBBER BALLS
These are tasks or aspects that DO matter, but they have some resilience/sturdiness or are able to be outsourced. Even if you drop these, they’ll bounce back and be fine.
Example #1: your kids’ grades during the pandemic.
In normal times, you might help your kids with homework, sign them up for extra-curricular activities, etc., but during a crisis, academics may be less urgent. Their grades are STILL important, but there are ways to attend to them LATER; they can afford to wait.
When the dust settles with the pandemic, you can catch up on these needs through tutoring or remedial work.
Example #2: FINANCES
So many people I’ve worked with have built an emergency fund only to NOT use it, because they’re so used to minimizing their own struggles and downplaying their own needs.
Emergency funds are useless if you’re dead. If you feel like you’re DROWNING, perhaps NOW is precisely the time to tap into that! When you feel like you can BREATHE again, then replenish that rainy day fund.
Example #3: WORK
I work in the Silicon Valley with tons of people who put their careers center stage. I’ve seen people make huge sacrifices for their career goals and become miserable.
Work may SEEM like work is absolutely essential, but what good is making a lot of money if you can’t ever use it? WHY are you working? What are you working FOR?
Do check to see whether you’re pushing yourself so hard because you feel like there’s no other option. Panic brain is a TERRIBLE consultant in isolation (think “Fear” from Inside Out). Your industry or professional field may also have vested interests in telling you, “You better _____, OR ELSE.”
When your body shuts down from slaving away for 60+ hours a week and you’re lying on a hospital bed, don’t be surprised if your coworkers and boss (who are slaves themselves) don’t show up. Show up for the people in your life who will ALSO show up for YOU.
GLASS BALLS
Glass balls are tasks that really matter and will NOT bounce back if dropped; they are not resilient and sturdy, and they are irreplaceable. They might get scuffed up or scratched, sometimes cracking, other times shattering altogether.
It is extremely difficult (and costly) if not impossible to repair damaged glass balls. Best to never drop them at all.
Example #1: Your Health
You have ONE body, ONE brain, and ONE heart. Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. When any of these give out, you’re DONE.
Don’t think you’re saving money by not paying the copay for physical check-ups. You might miss the chance to do something about a condition that’s totally treatable early on, but that might become severe or terminal when left unaddressed.
(The same applies to your mental/emotional health, btw. The consequences of burnout, depression, or anxiety is MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE than therapy, y’all.)
Example #2: Your RELATIONSHIPS
No one ever PLANS on getting divorced when they get married. It HAPPENS because many signs were ignored. Statistically speaking, most couples reach out for couples therapy SEVEN YEARS TOO LATE. By the time they sit down on the therapist’s couch, their relationship is so far gone that it’ll take a miracle for them to work through all the pain, strain, and blame.
Don’t assume your loved ones will continue to give you a break when you cancel on them. Don’t make it so that NO ONE shows up while you’re lying on a hospital bed except to maybe ask you for the Netflix password.
WOOD BALLS
Rubber balls are important, but NOT urgent. Glass balls are BOTH important AND urgent. Wood balls are neither important NOR urgent. They’re just CLUTTER - things that got thrown into your juggle cycle because you couldn’t pay attention to what it was and didn’t screen for it.
Examples?
Helping a friend gather signatures for a petition that doesn’t matter to you but you didn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying no.
The third book club that you signed up for because you had FOMO.
Responding to every single email to get the satisfaction of hitting email zero.
Spending hours on Amazon because it’s Prime Day.
What do you do with wood balls? If you feel overwhelmed and frenetic, this is not the time to also juggle wood balls. DROP THEM. NOW.
When you feel rested and are able to move at a leisurely pace - that’s the time for you to (consider) playing with wood balls again.
DISTINGUISH THE THREE!
Take some time to discern what you’re juggling. Here’s a past blog to help prioritize tasks and some reflection questions.
HOW MANY balls are you juggling right now? Write a list of all the things that you’re carrying.
How many balls are RUBBER? (Which are resilient - can afford to take a hit and can bounce back)? (color: pink)
How many balls are GLASS? (Which could be permanently impacted if dropped or are difficult to repair?) (color: blue)
How many balls are WOOD? (Which don’t make a difference if you forget them?) (color: brown)
What are some glass balls that fell to the floor and need to be repaired?
Which rubber or wood balls SEEM like glass? Which can you drop NOW?
If you find that most/all of them seem like glass balls, decide which 3 things are absolutely essential - these are your glass balls. Treat the rest as if they’re rubber. If you carry too many grocery bags at once, you WILL drop them. So PICK which two bags to carry FIRST.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Bridge Exercise: Escaping "Stuckness"
Feeling stuck in life? Not sure how to get to where you want to be? Tap into your brain's ability to ideate solutions through the Bridge Exercise!
Feeling Stuck and Uninspired?
In another blog, I talked about feeling STUCK and discontent with life, wanting to make changes but not sure where to start. To combat it, we focused on taking ACTION through concrete steps and deadlines, but that might be an overwhelming starting point for some people.
Instead, the Bridge Exercise provides a new way to push for changes by VISUALIZING challenges we face and what can help us overcome them.
The Bridge Exercise
The Bridge Exercise is a tool to help you quickly understand where you are now, where you’d like to be, and what’s in the way of that, similar to the post on Taking Action. Instead of focusing on bite-sized steps though, the Bridge Exercise functions VISUALLY, encouraging you to tap into your emotions to find your challenges.
To complete the activity, divide a landscape piece of paper into the sections like the following image, or download and print the PDF handout.
Bridge Exercise Steps
Without using words or symbols, you will depict different areas of your life on the piece of paper. Use anything you have on hand—markers, watercolors, pens—feel free to get as creative as you want!
In part 1, depict where you are in the PRESENT. In which areas of life do you feel stuck? What does this look like? What does it feel like? What might that look like visually? (Remember: there are no wrong answers!)
(E.g., a person may feel stuck in their current relationship. Maybe they fight often, leaving them ridden with anxiety and guilt, or that their sensitivity is not respected, leaving them unfulfilled.)
In part 2, envision where you’d like to be in the future. What does that vision hold for you? What does it have that your present does not have? What emotions does this future evoke?
(E.g., that same person may envision a relationship with balance and reciprocation where both parties matter.)
In part 3, picture what seems to be in the way of the future you envision. What are the obstacles, blocks, and gaps from reaching this future?
(E.g., this person might be stuck in a one-sided relationship, feeling stuck in a shame cycle, and finding it difficult to find balance.)
Lastly, in part 4, “the bridge,” think about what connects part 1 (where you are now) to part 2 (where you want to be) by getting over part 3 (the blockade). Are there SOLUTIONS to overcoming these obstacles? What might those solutions look like?
(E.g., the solution could be a new relationship or building boundaries that work towards radical candor or a strong, balanced relationship.
Applying the Bridge Exercise
This exercise helps us think about our obstacles and solutions without overwhelming us with tasks. It works as a preliminary step to finding the reasons for feeling stuck and the changes needed to find solutions and take action. Visualizing obstacles and solutions is a vital step for improving relationships, identifying idleness in work lives, and realizing other uninspiring aspects of life that can use your attention and recharging. When you’re ready to take action, head over to the Taking Action post to help you get started.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Power of Perspective: Cycle or Spiral?
You may feel sometimes like you’re going in circles - expending so much energy, time, and resources to change, only to find yourself in the same place all over again. As more time goes on, you feel like the future is bleak - what’s the point of trying, if it’s going to be the same? Perhaps what’s the issue is not what’s happening but how you perceive what’s happening. What if you ARE actually changing?
Going in Circles
I thought I dealt with this already. Why am I going through this again?
Am I always going to be attracted to the same kinds of assholes?
Are things never going to get better?
Maybe you’re getting into fights with your partner again, and you’re thinking, “I TOLD myself I wouldn’t do this again,” only to find yourself doing the thing again. The same feelings arise, the same words are said, the same dance is danced, and you’re sick of it.
Maybe you vowed to actually finish a project this time, to find out that, ALSO this time, you didn’t.
You might be feeling stuck in your own reactive patterns, helpless to do anything about it. No amount of books you read, seminars you attend, and exercises you try seem to do the trick.
If you find yourself feeling like you’re in the exact same place despite all attempts to change, you might be stuck in a SHAME CYCLE.
The Shame Cycle
In the shame cycle, you keep feeling trapped, going around the same bend. There seems to be no development, and all attempts of change seem negated.
The first time you go around, there’s frustration (“Argh!! What the hell??”) and impatience (“Why isn’t this changing more quickly?!?”). With a burst of motivation and tons of creative juices flowing, you might push yourself (“This time, I’ll get it right.” “Maybe if I change this one thing…”)
When that doesn’t work and you see the same dynamics again, you might try pointing the finger outside yourself with anger/blame. “This time it wasn’t my fault.” “They did this to me; they messed me up.”
Several more rounds of this, confusion, anxiety, and despair set in. “Why can’t I shake this off?” “Why can’t I figure it out?”
Each round you go, you lose energy to bother trying anything different. Frustration and impatience give way to apathy and complacence. “What’s the point, if I’m only going to end up in the same spot anyway?”
Each round you go, you feel more and more hopelessness and defeated. “What if this is all who I am? Maybe I’ll just be this way forever.”
Each round you go, your self-esteem takes another blow. At first, there was guilt (“I messed up.”). Now there’s shame (“I’m messed up.”)
When you get to this point, your nervous system - overloaded with all the stress - starts to collapse.
FIGHT doesn’t work.
FLIGHT doesn’t work.
So FREEZE sets in.
This shutdown can lead down some dark paths:
Depression - you feel nothing will change, the future looks bleak
Anxiety - you feel out of control and disoriented
Shame - you see yourself as permanently flawed
The Resilience Spiral
For ANY human being going through a legit growth process, there WILL be moments when you’ll feel like you’re going through the same thing over and over again.
That’s VERY HUMAN and VERY NORMAL.
(You’re okay! I’m here, too!)
Even when we make similar kinds of reactive, autopilot decisions, NOT EVERYTHING is exactly the same. Some things are indeed different, and possibly different for the better.
When we start looking NOT for what’s the SAME but for what’s DIFFERENT, what we perceive changes: what we’re walking is not a CIRCLE, but a SPIRAL.
Depending on what angle you’re looking at, a circle is a top-down (or bottom-up) cross-section view of a spiral. It’s 2D, not 3D. It’s missing a whole dimension, namely TIME, and how much things have CHANGED over time.
Not a SHAME CIRCLE (where you slow down/stop), but a RESILIENCE SPIRAL (where you keep moving ahead/up).
Sure, you might be doing at Age 29 the kinds of things you did at Age 19 (like procrastinating hard core on a work project like you did on school assignments). But 29-You is WISER than 19-You, because you’ve gained some experience and learned some things (many the hard way). You might still procrastinate, but Older-You will wait ‘til the week preceding the deadline rather than the literal night before, because now you know that your body will definitely NOT be able to pull a Red Bulled all-nighter and survive a full work day.
29-You also knows that if you keep getting defensive when your partner brings up important topics, y’all will go another several rounds of flinging criticism at each other, with neither party coming out on top and both of you losing.
29-You also learned two years ago that sometimes it really DOES help to tell your partner, “Hey, I’m noticing I’m feeling really tense right now because I got off a long day at work. I need some time for my body to catch up to my brain, plus I’m really hangry. Can we eat and hang out first, and then talk about this around 8pm?”
Initially there might still be some annoyance for both of you, but in the end, the thing actually gets talked about and both of you get your needs met much more effectively than you did two years prior.
Give yourself more credit. You’ve earned it.
Hear me out. I am NOT a fan of “Fake it ‘til you make it” or “Look for the silver lining!” I’m not going to tell you to artificially make up something positive just so that you can feel better about yourself, because that’s still a distortion (just going the opposite direction).
I’m just saying, GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for things you’ve ACTUALLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.
Why is this so important? Because your body needs to know that you are an AGENT, meaning a being that can produce a specified effect. Overgeneralizations like “Always” or “Never” statements overload your nervous system, and it collapses beneath it. Once despair kicks in, the mind develops “learned helplessness”, meaning you live AS IF you are truly helpless even when there are things technically still within your control, responsibility, and ability.
Some things ARE outside of your control. That’s fine. You’re not supposed to do anything with them anyway. The point is for you to take ownership of things that ARE within your ability to do something about it. Keep your nervous system online with concrete evidence, including things that you did WELL and things that DID change for the better.
OWN the outcome, good and bad:
If bad, OWN that, repair the situation, learn from it, and try doing something new. Adjust as you go.
If good, OWN that and keep doing more of the same until you learn something that works even better.
Spiral, not Cycle
Some questions to ponder:
What’s your “reactive autopilot mode”? What are some patterns you have in your life, work, or relationships that seem to be stubbornly persistent over time? (The Enneagram might be a useful tool in revealing your autopilot.)
What are 1-3 things that DID change? (Think frequency, intensity, duration, quality, or direction.)
For example, you might still have generally one-sided relationships, but you’re more selective about with whom you’re connecting for what, stir up less emotional intensity in new connections, calibrate how much of yourself you share with others, or say no more often.)
Intentionally LOOK for small improvements in yourself or any situation. When we seek these exceptions, it’s easier to build upon our existing momentum to continue healing, growing, and changing for the better.
EVEN WHEN things FEEL the same, there are STILL differences.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Get UNSTUCK from DISCONTENT
Feeling stuck and dissatisfied with life? Use this vision exercise so that you can break out of the swamp of discontent and break down big, abstract dreams into concrete, bite-sized actionable steps.
Complacent with Feeling Dissatisfied?
Have you found yourself settling for your current job or relationship? Maybe you feel detached but not quite unhappy enough to make a change.
You might be STUCK in a sense of idleness, comfortable with the security even when you feel uninspired or dissatisfied.
You might get stuck in the meaningless monotony because you undervalue your own talent or capacity for meaningful life or overly accept messages that you don’t matter or don’t deserve better or can’t do great things.
You might escape or get lost in fantasy rather than actually taking concrete action steps to make these ideals a reality. You may sigh wistfully and think, “That must be nice,” and then chug away at the same-old, same-old.
Your fear of the unknown might overwhelm you and tell you to play it safe. What’s toxic but familiar might feel more manageable than what’s awesome but unfamiliar. Even though the current situation sucks, at least you know what’s coming.
You might have tried taking action in the past, but were told, “It’s unrealistic.” “How are you going to make a living?" “Grow up. You can’t always do things you like.” (Not realizing that sometimes other people project their OWN bitterness, head trash, and grief,) You fold up that bright vision board, tuck it inside a journal, place it back on the shelf. After a few years, your mind forgets, but your heart doesn’t, and every once in a while you feel the agitated pull towards that SOMETHING that seems so distant but oh so lovely and familiar.
You may not know exactly WHAT to change in your life and HOW, but THAT you long for something different - that’s a great place to be! I’ll walk you through an exercise I do with my clients in therapy to help you crystalize your grand ideals, make them concrete and actionable, and map out your quest to make it all happen.
Spoiler Alert: the condensed version of this exercise is FEEL, then THINK, then DO.
CONTAIN: Set a Final Deadline.
When I’m working with someone who is so stuck in their life, work, or relationships, I start with one simple question:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place TWO YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “Meh, I think I can hang in there for a few more years,” then it’s as if they can AFFORD to settle and putter around for longer. Then my follow up question is:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place FIVE YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “HELL NO!!” to either of the two questions, then we have a final deadline - the absolute point of no return they NEVER, EVER want to reach if they can do anything about it.
Bump up the timeline from five years to three years, etc. until you find the threshold of dissatisfaction, the point at which you notice negative emotions. (Contrary to public opinion, emotions like nausea 🤢🤮, anger 🤬, fear/dread 😨 are very useful signals to what the hard deadline is.)
Once there’s a hard deadline, NOW you can reverse engineer to defining the concrete, doable action steps you can start taking in present day.
NOTE: If the answer is even the five-year question is still “Meh, yes,” we might have a different issue altogether. Maybe emotions of shame 😞, guilt 😔, or numbness 😑 might be on hyperdrive, so that those might have to get addressed first before doing this exercise. Maybe your outlook on life is one where you’re supposed to just “hang in there” or not have any desires or needs. If this is the case, professional therapy would be a good call.
DREAM BIG. Like, REAL BIG.
Now that you have a deadline, let’s figure out the destination.
If _______ years from now you were EXACTLY where you WANT to be, what would your ideal life/job/relationship look like?
Brainstorm a list of words (in no particular order) or scribble with colors until you run out of things to put on paper. These could even be things that seem silly or “out there” - that’s the point!!
For the purposes of this exercise, DON’T put any restrictions on yourself. Too often, people prematurely judge, censor, or edit their dreams and vision so that they shoot the baby in the cradle.
Don’t settle and do more of the same (you’ll end up in the same spot). Give yourself PERMISSION to imagine BEYOND what seems within your reach, what’s DIFFERENT from how things are now.
If you’re feeling stuck, practice connecting with your EMOTIONS, which are directly connected to your deepest, legitimate needs. What needs to show up in your life so that you feel FREE? INVIGORATED? BELONGING? AT PEACE?
NOTE: Sometimes our daydreams and fantasies reveal what we need in ways that our thinking brain won’t allow ourselves to connect with. What scenarios or images do you tend to daydream or fantasize about?
Pull that vision chart you tucked into your shelf. Ignore all other critics - they’ve gotten a lot of airtime already.
Map Out Your Path
After you’ve exhausted your imagination and ideas, pick 1-3 things that you really want (these may be abstract or concrete). On a new sheet of paper (sometimes I use a big whiteboard) write:
Destination (2-5 years)
In ____ YEARS, I want:
To live in a city that’s close to national parks.
To upgrade my friendships (1-2 close friends, 5-7 social friends)
To choose a career path where I get to be energized and creative, not monotonous and meaningless.
Milestone (1 year)
The vision is set and nonnegotiable, but HOW you practically get there is still up in the air. NOW is the time to bring back the critics (treat them as CONSULTANTS - ultimately, you’re the boss!) so that they can help you build a concrete action plan around these visions.
In order to implement my visions, ONE YEAR from now, I need to:
Create a list of 2-4 different cities in the US that might be potential places to live, visiting at least one of them.
Create distance/boundaries with Friends X and Y. Create 1-2 new friendships.
Research 3-5 career options that involve creativity and spontaneity. Narrow list down to 1-2 options at the end of the year.
Consider SMART goals, or goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Sensitive.
Create Actionable Steps
Keep breaking these down into smaller and more manageable steps.
Checkpoint (3 Months - 1 quarter)
In order to implement my goals, THREE MONTHS from now, I need to:
Book a 1-week trip sometime this year to one of these cities.
Find a therapist who’s a great fit and learn more about my relationship patterns.
Pick one career option and do extensive research on what’s involved (grad school, relocation, etc.).
Benchmark (1 Month)
In order to implement my projects, ONE MONTH from now, I need to:
Pick a city I’ve always dreamed about living in and research what it’s like to live there (cost of living, public transportation, demographics).
Try at least 2-3 sessions with a new therapist.
Meet up with 1-2 people who’ve successfully changed their careers and are happy and thriving. Reach out to a career coach.
Step (1 week)
Don’t include these items on the board, but rather on sticky notes, since you’ll be going through a LOT of them over the year. Tasks should be bite-sized no-brainers, actions you can take within 5-10 minutes.
In order to implement my assignments, ONE WEEK from now, I need to:
Start saving $300 per month in a travel fund. Brainstorm some cities I’m intrigued in.
Read a blog about finding a therapist and clarify what I need. Contact 1-3 therapists.
Ask around for recommendations for a career coach or someone who’s changed careers. Contact them.
TAKE ACTION!
The short summary of this exercise is FEEL (dream), THINK (plan), then DO (action). You’ve done the first two already (by connecting with your emotions/needs and your consultants), so the next thing now is to DO THE TASKS!
No more hemming and hawing, dragging your feet, or making excuses. If you find yourself stuck again, chances are your tasks are actually assignments or projects (i.e., they could be broken down into even smaller steps.) Break it down into bite-size, then DO THE THINGS!
As you repeat this process every week (tasks), month (assignments), quarter (projects), and year (goal), you’ll find yourself actually closer to making your 2-5 year vision a reality.
No more waiting and being stuck!! Let’s get to it!!
If you’re needing help (or a switch kick in the tush), check out therapy or coaching!
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Radical Candor: Balancing Regard for Self and Others
Do you feel like your needs don’t matter, despite how much you do for others? Learn how to move towards radical candor, a relationship stance that creates room in the relationship big enough for both yourself and others.
Healthy Relationships Start with BALANCE
Connection with others varies from person to person. Sometimes you give more to the relationship, sometimes you might give less. Sometimes the relationship exists without much contribution from either party.
But the strongest relationships form when BOTH you and the other person make room for BOTH of your needs & wants. One person is not inherently more important than the other.
What makes this reciprocity possible? The ability to clearly and directly advocate for yourself while considering the well-being of both yourself and the other — what Kim Scott calls “Radical Candor”.
In this book, Scott outlines the four types of relationships defined by the balance or imbalance of self and others.
The 4 Relationship Quadrants
Kim Scott illustrates the four relationship types in an XY grid, where the X-axis represents care or regard for the self, and the Y-axis represents care or regard for others. When relationships have an imbalance of care for yourself or others, it can create relationships with conflict, resentment, shame, and inauthenticity. Learning which quadrants on the graph your relationships fall into can help you pinpoint areas to work on in order to achieve a balanced relationship that actively creates enough space for BOTH yourself and others.
Obnoxious Aggression
This relationship type falls into the bottom-right quadrant, reflecting a relationship with high regard for the self and little regard for others.
Characteristics:
Bully types or bossy.
Steamroll through relationships.
Don’t take feedback (e.g., disregard feedback or refuse to listen to feedback).
Unnecessarily aggressive (e.g., seem to look for challenges or accidentally challenge others often).
Rely on their power over others.
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to consider others/increase care for others. (E.g., practice reflecting on how others may interpret your words and tone. Will saying X hurt their feelings?)
Directly ask for feedback and respond to it for course-correction. (E.g., invite others to give you feedback. “How could I have addressed this better?” Consciously listen and implement feedback.)
Understand others are different from you. (E.g., not everyone has the ability to know their own needs as well as you do. Give people the space to understand theirs and feel safe to ask for your support.)
Don’t expect others to act as you do. (E.g., a person may not be able to stand up for themselves as you can.)
Manipulative Insincerity
This quadrant lies in the bottom left of the graph, depicting a relationship with regard for neither the self or others.
Characteristics:
Gossipers.
Show up in certain circles but do something else entirely different behind the scenes. (E.g., fulfills work roles adequately on the surface and disrupts working relationships with gossip amongst co-workers.)
Very surprising or mysterious. (E.g., others usually can tell where these people stand and their insincerity is not a complete shock. You can probably think of a few people like this in your workplace or social circles right now.)
Hard to read.
Interacting with these people might tense up the body.
Have a plastered/plastic smile with no “evidence” of what they are doing wrong. (E.g., appear friendly but inauthentic, and it is unclear why they appear inauthentic because there is no evidence of it.)
Use power indirectly. (E.g., guilt-tripping, gossiping, making fun of others, challenging the character of others, dismissive, etc.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to be direct with communication. (E.g., avoid using indirect means of power like guilt-tripping and dismissiveness.)
Learn how to state their own needs.
Honor and respect the other person. (People are different from each other and each deserves respect.)
Give information directly to avoid confusion or self-doubt from other parties. (E.g., instead of guilt-tripping a roommate to help with chores, tell them you need help maintaining the house upkeep.)
Ruinous Empathy
This person falls into the top left quadrant, where a person gives too much emphasis to others and not enough to the self. Most of my clients fall into this quadrant.
Characteristics:
Filled with guilt, anxiety, shame.
Have an allergic reaction to anger/highly sensitive people.
Overdo their empathy. (Empathy CAN be overdone and is not automatically a good thing.)
Empathy goes too far and leaves no room for the self.
On the surface, they are kind, serving, empathetic people, but this happens with an engine of shame behind the scenes. (E.g., shame may motivate a person to serve others because they feel like they are not enough.)
Overly extending self to others leads to burnout easily and creates a shame spiral. (E.g., “I should be able to do better,” self-judgment for “selfishness.”)
Can cultivate resentment when there is not enough time for oneself. (Resentment often shows up with guilt, and people may have a difficult time noticing and/or acknowledging this.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Must learn how to care for themselves as much as others. (This will feel selfish at first because you’ve been trained to center on others, but it is NOT selfish, it’s SELF-CARING. In order to deeply care for others well, you must care for yourself; otherwise, acts are tainted with resentment, guilt, and shame.)
Practice anger. (Let yourself feel angry and hurt. These emotions are not selfish to have.)
Practice self-care and self-compassion.
Do things that at first trigger a sense of guilt and shame—this indicates you are going in the right direction. (E.g., be honest about your needs and explain to your loved ones when they do something that upsets you. This will trigger a sense of guilt/shame at first, but these are necessary steps for balancing your relationship and moving into radical candor.)
Radical Candor
This is the ideal place for a relationship. In the top-right quadrant, this represents an equal balance between the self and others.
Characteristics:
Able to create balance where you know others matter just as much as you do, and you matter just as much as others.
Are able to speak up for their own needs.
Speaking the truth kindly but directly.
Intentionally addresses issues instead of skirting around problems.
Reaching Radical Candor
Moving into the quadrant of radical candor can be very difficult for some people. Being assertive about your own needs can be scary if you have trouble putting yourself out there or if you are scared of the negative reactions from others, but it is necessary work for strong relationships. When you consciously and directly address issues in the relationship or clearly communicate your needs, you give the other person a chance to repair and address these issues and needs. Waiting for others to fulfill needs and address issues that you skirt around or avoid speaking about lays the groundwork for an imbalanced relationship and resentment.
As you navigate your work and social life in the coming weeks, evaluate your relationships and see if you can identify which quadrant(s) you fall into. Is there a balance between yourself and others? From there, you can work towards achieving radical candor in your relationships.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Life Timeline: A Bird's-Eye View of Your Life
As a follow-up exercise to the Top 10 Best/Worst Memories List, the Life Timeline helps you visually see what larger periods of your life were like and recognize what kinds of needs were and weren’t met.
Emotions Running into the Present
In my last blog post, Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life, we discussed how to identify common emotional themes in a Top 10 Memory List. This list will be helpful for the Life Timeline activity.
Like the Top 10 List, the Life Timeline will help us discover common themes among our strongest emotional memories, but in a visual form.
Refer to your own Top 10 List, like the example below for this activity.
How to Create a Life Timeline
Draw a horizontal line on paper and plot years on this line in increments of 2 to 5 years. This is the base of your Life Timeline.
Using your Top 10 Best Memory List, plot the positive memories (green) ABOVE the timeline.
From Top 10 Worst Memories List, plot the negative memories (orange) BELOW your timeline.
Then, plot the neutral life events (blue) in the middle, such as moving, the birth of a family member, or beginning college.
Evaluating the Life Timeline
As with your Top 10 Memory List, identify common themes that cut through various memories with a bird’s-eye view.
What themes stand out to you? (e.g., “When problems arise, I feel I have no one to turn to.”)
Did some of your best and worst memories take place around any neutral life events?
Did some of your best and worst memories happen during specific periods of your life? (e.g., during childhood or college.)
What underlying emotions or reactions emerge from these memories?
Which periods were generally positive? Which were generally difficult?
Do you notice any familiar patterns? (e.g., loneliness, work-related stress, etc.)
Are any people in your life connected to these patterns?
Now that you’ve considered the themes and patterns of your Life Timeline, color code the periods of your life that have a generally positive or negative emotional undercurrent. Which two or three emotions would you use to describe these periods?
Untying the Emotional Knots
The Life Timeline allows us to visualize some of our most pivotal memories by stretching them over our lives, connecting them to ages and other life events. This visual, bird’s-eye view helps us reconnect seemingly isolated memories into the emotional undercurrent of our lives. As we become more aware of how emotions tie into our memories, we can better anticipate our emotional responses to new events as they arise.
What you feel indicates what you need in order to untie these difficult emotional knots. Identifying these rigid patterns is the first step to clarifying your needs, which makes it easier to get them met. Refer to your discoveries today and allow them to guide you into creating a better future. Now that you’ve defined some of your needs, impactful moments, and emotional undercurrents, we can determine how these build into your behaviors, and how the behaviors of yourself and others in your life can be safe or unsafe. The “Safe People” blog will help gauge your connections and provide a foundation for healthy relationships.
How does your family of origin experiences & patterns shape how you live & love today?
Wanna map out your relationship dynamics as influenced by your family of origin? Check out this blog about genograms, the family tree’s fancy cousin that has so much more info than just who’s who!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life
Learn how to create and use the Top 10 Best/Worst Memory list so that you can better understand how the past influences your present and thereby intentionally design a better future.
The Past is Still Alive
Key moments and memories from years (even decades ago) can still influence our emotions, relationships, and self-esteem today. Memories build into the fabric of our lives, and while we likely interpret memories as “good” or “bad,” we are not always able to identify the themes behind those memories and discover which events could be causing trauma, anxiety, or other difficult emotions. This is where a Top 10 List comes in.
What is a Top 10 List?
The purpose of the Top 10 List is to view these memories as part of a whole rather than random, isolated moments in our lives. Odds are that many of your best memories and worst memories have similar underlying currents that still affect your emotions and relationships in present day. Once you’ve written out what may seem like independent, unrelated events on a single sheet of paper, you may be able to better see the common threads that are still being woven today, whether you like it or not.
For this activity, divide a lined piece of paper into two columns. On the left side, list your Top 10 Best Memories; on the right side, list your Top 10 Worst Memories. Jot just a line or two—enough for you to understand what the memory is—and list the age that this memory occurred. No need to write an essay about each memory - we only need a Table of Contents for your life to use as a reference guide.
Look at the example chart below to help jumpstart your own Top 10 lists. These memories might be about connection, breakups, leisure, achievements, loss, disappointments, etc. Give yourself enough time to explore your positive and negative emotions. You can jot these memories in a notebook or use the downloadable PDF chart.
How to Evaluate Your Memories
After making your list, see if you can identify some common themes among them.
What themes stand out? (e.g., “Even if I mess up, someone always has my back.”)
What seems to matter the most to you? (e.g., success, relationships, money, self-reliance)
Are there common emotions associated with these memories?
What are the positive emotions (e.g., pride, belonging, connection)?
What are the negative emotions (e.g., failure, shame, guilt)?
What pained you the most?
What did you need that you didn’t get? (e.g., comfort, rest, friendship)
What are some familiar patterns you’ve found yourself in? (e.g., friendship fallouts, loneliness, thwarted projects)
Now, think about how these emotions and themes carry into the present. Do these themes trigger you emotionally? For example, if many of your worst memories tie in with you failing, it wouldn’t be surprising that the fear of disappointing others still has a strong presence in your life today in your professional life, personal relationships, etc.
The Future is Not Yet Set: What Now?
The Top 10 List gives you a bird's eye view of your life so that, informed by your life narrative, you can intentionally weave the future in alignment with your wants and needs.
Now that you know what you know about yourself, what would you like to do differently going forward? Keep the same?
What are some stubborn patterns in your life that seem to repeat against your will? What do you need to do to get unstuck?
The first step at working through these knots is identifying the common threads as revealed by your emotions since what you FEEL reveals what you NEED. Then, you can take this to the next level and visualize these feelings and needs in the Life Timeline.
As you move forward this month, notice which emotions are stirred up, because the present is simultaneously the past in the making and a chance to design the future.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
What to Ask in the Therapy Consult Call
Now that you scheduled a consultation call with a new therapist or two, here’s a list of what questions you can ask them to see whether they might be a great fit for you!
Way to go!
You’ve taken the step to list out what you’re needing in a therapist.
(If you haven’t yet, read this first, then come right back!)
You use Google, Psychology Today, TherapyDen, or Good Therapy to narrow down the long list of hundreds of therapists in the San Jose/Silicon Valley area into a shortlist of 1 to 3 therapists.
(Give yourself a self-five! That was the hardest part of the process!)
You reach out to them, schedule your initial therapy consultation calls, and watch the clock go by as you nervously wonder what the heck you’re supposed to do on these calls.
What should I say on the call?
Am I supposed to prepare something?
What questions do I ask?
Is this a therapy session?
Ahh! I don’t know where to start!!
I get how overwhelming the therapist search can be, and I’m here to help simplify things for you.
How to Prepare for the Therapy Consult Call
The main purpose of the initial consultation call is to see whether you and the therapist are a right fit for each other. It’s a two-way street based on:
what you need, and
what they provide.
The most important thing is whether or not the person you’re talking to is someone you imagine sharing some of your treasured or vulnerable experiences with. If you don’t (for whatever reason), feel free to move on to the next therapist. They are trained to not take things personally (if they do, that’s their stuff to sort out - it’s not a reflection of you, and you don’t have to use your precious resources to deal with it).
Be prepared to talk to 2-3 therapists.
If you get a great fit on the first go, awesome! If not, try the next one. If you’ve talked to 4-5 therapists and you still don’t find a good fit, go back to the previous blog and consider either clarifying what you’re needing or widening your net for a different location, schedule, or fee.
Though the therapy search process is important, don’t treat it so seriously that you get nervous and shut down. There’s room to BREATHE, ask questions, and thoughtfully consider whether you feel in tune with your therapist enough to formally start therapy.
This is NOT an interview or a test.
You’re not being (or not supposed to be) analyzed or deemed worthy or unworthy, so you don’t have to perform or ignore your needs to get them to like you.
If a therapist you’re talking to does something to make you feel uncomfortable at any time, you can always say, “Actually, I’m not really feeling like this would be a good fit, so thank you for your time. Goodbye.”
No need to explain or justify yourself - this process is for YOU. Hang up the phone, then reach out to the next person on your list.
You’re in the driver's seat and you get to pick the destination and who your guide is.
If the therapist refers you elsewhere, it’s with your best interest in mind.
We as therapists are ethically obligated to make decisions in your best interest. If what you’re needing and what we offer doesn’t align well enough for whatever reason, it’s better that you know directly that someone else might support you better.
This is not a rejection or judgment of you (though it’s totally okay to feel how you feel).
How you feel matters.
Sometimes you feel a certain way about someone in ways that you can’t quite put your finger on it. Pay attention to those feelings or reactions - that might be your body’s way of signaling something important to you.
On the consult call, a great fit of a therapist should elicit some or all of these emotions: relief, clarity, understanding, and hope. If you feel any of the opposite emotions (distress, confusion, misunderstanding, and heaviness), you have permission to not start therapy with them.
What to Ask in the Therapy Consult Call
Ask whatever questions you have to gauge your level of comfort with the therapist.
In addition to any questions you already have, here are some that might be helpful:
Topics of Focus
How would you help people with similar needs?
How are you different from other therapists?
Do you do EMDR or Brainspotting?
Who are people you WOULDN’T be a good fit for?
The Therapy Process
What is each session like?
Who will talk more? Me or you?
Do you give homework?
Do I have to talk about ______?
How will I know that therapy is working?
How much are sessions? Do you take insurance?
How often will we meet? What is your availability?
How long will therapy take for people with my needs?
Are sessions in-person or over video?
The Therapist
Have you had personal experience with this?
Are you of _______ faith tradition? Do I have to be _______?
What do you do for fun/outside the office?
What are your political views?
As a person of color/LGBTQ person, why should I trust you?
Just a head’s up - you are welcome to ask personal questions to the therapist (ex, Are you married? Do you have kids? How old are you?), but your therapist doesn’t have to answer it.
You get to make the final call on whether you feel comfortable enough working with them, though.
Even the mental health profession is historically made up of people with privilege. Out of ignorance, a lot of therapists may claim to be culturally competent but in actuality be oblivious to the intricate realities of underserved populations. If you are a person of color, LGBTQ, neurodiverse, or of a less represented population, ask as many direct questions as possible to see whether the therapist is actually culturally sensitive, competent, and respectful enough for you and what you need.
Take your time with the therapist search.
This process may take a while and consume energy, but it’s definitely worth waiting for when you find a FANTASTIC fit - this will save you a ton of time, energy, headache, and heartache in the long run.
You matter, and your needs matter, so search for your therapist with that in mind and keep going until you find a place to breathe and take off your mask and burdens.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Find a Therapist or Counselor in San Jose
Looking for a new therapist? Finding a great fit is super important for your healing and growth journey. Here’s a list of what kinds of things to consider as you look for your ideal fit, including topics of focus, modalities, fees, and therapist demographics.
I need a therapist…
Who should I pick?
So you realize it’s about time for you to finally work on yourself and you search “therapist near me” on Google. What pops up? A MILLION sites that stir up more questions than answers.
Technology is HUGE in the Silicon Valley, home to Apple, Google, Facebook, and other tech giants. Everyone is on their devices to connect, partially because their loved ones are in different parts of the state, country, or the world. Fewer and fewer people are actually from San Jose, Sunnyvale, Mountain View, Campbell, etc.
One of the best ways to look for a therapist is through word of mouth referrals. But how do you do that if you’re a transplant from elsewhere, without a home base of personal connections to point you the right way?
Out of the hundreds of therapists that are in San Jose alone, how do you know whether this website or that Psychology Today profile is leading you to the right counselor who can help you heal and grow? When you look at a lot of Psychology Today profiles, a ton of them all start to sound the same (how many therapists say that they’re “warm” and “create a safe space”?).
I want to help you find the right therapist in the South Bay.
Here are some questions to help you find the right therapy fit for you.
On a piece of paper, write a list of:
(1) Topic
What are 3-5 topics that you need help with (in noun form)?
E.g., anxiety, relationship, trauma, shame, anger
(2) Therapist’s Demographics
What do you absolutely need for the therapist to be? What do you prefer?
Gender, Identity
Race/Ethnicity
Age Range
Religious Background
Life Experiences (e.g., is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), is LGBTQ+, went through their own church trauma)
(3) Schedule
If you were to do regular weekly sessions at a consistent time, what would be your availability?
Generally, regular weekly sessions would provide the optimal rhythm for people to sort through recent events and address underlying dynamics that may be contributing to stressors. When sessions are infrequent and there is too much time between sessions, the subsequent sessions may become more of a summary of what’s happened since last time rather than actually changing unhelpful patterns.
(4) Budget
If you were to do regular weekly sessions, what would your budget allow?
Be prepared to be in therapy weekly for at least 6 months to get good momentum. This is better than you doing all this work to look for a therapist and to start therapy, to then find out that you can’t afford to continue it. That’s a very expensive decision, for not a lot of gain!
In San Jose, the fee may range from $25-$300 per single 50-minute therapy session, depending on experience and specialty.
*A note about insurance: There are benefits and disadvantages to working with a therapist who’s in your insurance network (watch the video for more info). Check for Out-of-Network (OON) coverage, since that allows you to have much more say and many more options that would be suited for you.
Wanting to see if you could use your insurance for therapy sessions? All three options are valid ways to provide for your therapy. Find the right financial fit for you!
(5) Therapist’s Level of Training
For Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) in California, there are three levels of training:
MFT Trainees - Therapists who are currently in their MFT graduate program
MFT Associates - Therapists who graduated and are currently accumulating experience
Licensed MFTs - Therapists who have completed their experience and have passed their licensing exams
Generally, the more trained a therapist is, the higher their fees may be. To be clear, a licensed therapist isn’t inherently better than a prelicensed therapist. What’s more important than your therapist’s level of experience is whether they are a right fit for you!
However, therapists who are more experienced may be more likely to be trained in certain specialized modalities (like Brainspotting for trauma) or areas of focus (Emotional Abuse & Neglect) that may save clients time, energy, and money in the long run less sessions might be needed to address what’s happening.
Better to work with a “more expensive” specialist therapist who’s really good at meeting your needs than to work with a “cheaper” generalist therapist with whom you might wander around for a while.
(6) Therapy Modality
Do you have a preferred approach for your therapist to be trained in - for example, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Brainspotting, EMDR, Attachment, or Enneagram? (If you don’t know what this means, no problem!)
(7) Location
This is less of an issue during COVID-19 because of virtual/video sessions (AKA telehealth), but if you’re hoping to work with a therapist long-term (8+ months), consider who’s in your immediate area. The more specific your needs, the wider of a net you may need to cast.
Once you’ve jotted down this list, here are three ways to find the right therapist.
Option 1: WORD OF MOUTH REFERRAL
Ask a friend, family member, or acquaintance for a referral. Share the list of factors you’d like in a therapist and see if they know someone (or if they know someone who knows someone). Word of mouth referral helps narrow down the option because other people who know you are also filtering down the long list for you.
*If they REALLY love and recommend a therapist, do ask why! A GREAT therapist for one person might be a MEH fit for someone else, and an AWFUL fit for yet another person. If you don’t jive with their answer, say thank you, and move on to Option 2.
Option 2: Google it!
Type into Google the answer for your list of 3-5 topics. If you know what level of experience you’d prefer in a therapist, include that too. You may have to do some digging, but your list will help you sort through them much more quickly rather than going into the search blind.
Option 3: Therapist Directories
Psychology Today and TherapyDen are therapist directories that have a filter feature for you to check off according to your list answers. Not every therapist is on there, but this may simplify the process.
The downside of using directories is that therapists usually have limited space for describing themselves, so a lot of them might end up sounding the same.
If you want to know how to prepare for your initial consultation calls, read this blog.
Need help finding the right fit?
Every therapist is different and has their own way of doing therapy.
For example, I am a Korean American, 30-something, Christianese-fluent HSP female therapist who uses the Enneagram (which reveals people’s reactive patterns) and Brainspotting (which soothes emotional reactivity) to help those who are exhausted by anxiety, guilt, and shame create vibrant relationships where they matter, too.
If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed in looking for a great therapist, give me a call! As someone who’s well-networked in the San Jose and Silicon Valley area, I can offer referrals to point you in the right direction.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting is a brain-based processing method similar to EMDR that channels the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding specific eye positions (Brainspots) linked to unprocessed stress experiences stored in the brain and letting the body “detox”.
Thousand-Mile Stare
You may have seen people stare off blankly into space, deeply reflecting on something or being emotionally detached from what’s happening around them. They're not really looking AT anything, in particular but just off into the distance in that general direction. Their eyes are directed outward, but their focus is directed inward. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is attempting to process through a memory with the emotions and thoughts related to it.
When we see others doing this, we often wonder, "Are they okay?" and shake them out of it. Sometimes, we might be hurt or offended and say, "Are you listening to me?" because it seems like they're not (to be fair, they probably aren't, so it's okay for you to feel hurt). In shaking the person back to reality, they might be able to "come back" to the present to engage whatever is in front of them (i.e., continue the conversation, work, drive).
However, THAT they're spacing out isn't bad per se. THAT they're often in a daze or daydreaming might indicate that their body is needing an intentional regular space to sort through their internal experiences. The issue is they might:
Do it at the wrong time or at the wrong place (e.g., in the middle of work)
Accidentally further upset themselves and make reactive decisions that make matters worse (e.g., they get triggered at work, ruminate on it throughout the day, become more upset, then come home and kick the dog).
Their bodies are TRYING to take care of themselves but are unsuccessful at it. During these times, they probably need someone else who’s steady and grounded to serve as an anchor as they're doing a deep dive into their unconscious. They need someone who's trained to be attuned to them, not interfere with their processing, and pull them back to the surface when it's time.
For these individuals, Brainspotting therapy would be a great resource for them.
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a brain-based processing method that taps into the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that often generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding the specific eye positions that directly connect to where unprocessed stress is stored in the brain so that the body can “detox”.
Brainspotting directly accesses our “lower brain” where emotionally charged experiences are stored, far out of reach of the thinking “higher brain.” By doing so, we can process them more deeply and rapidly than we might with traditional talk therapy or with reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning useful skills.
Our bodies pick up stimuli (body sensations, emotions, information, etc.) throughout the day that is supposed to get processed often when we’re in deep sleep (REM cycle) but also when we’re in a reflective, meditative trance-like state (intentionally thinking about something and feeling the emotions that come with it).
However, when we experience something that’s too new, too scary, or too overwhelming, that overloads our bodies’ natural ability to process and heal. These stimuli can get “stuck” in our bodies in splintered form, waiting until the conditions are right in the future for us to deliberately process them. Unfortunately, most people aren’t practiced in going back to process old things, so these old things just sit there, pile up, and fester until something new happens that dumps all that old, past unprocessed stuff into the present and makes things messier. This is what being triggered means.
Think of it as what happens when we have leftovers: because we can’t finish the meal in one sitting, we save it for later. A lot of times, many of us forget that we have leftovers to finish, and we find out only when we open the fridge to see that there’s no more room or when things start to smell.
Brainspotting jumpstarts the body’s natural processing mechanism to sort out the old stuff into different piles:
What to keep (long-term memory)
What to process (emotions associated with past events that need to be experienced/expressed)
What to throw away (old perspectives, irrelevant details)
Afterwards, the “fridge” gets cleared out so that there’s more room to take in new things. When the old stuff is fully processed, the person won’t be triggered as often or intensely, thereby becoming able to be fully present to engage whatever’s in front of them, respond accordingly, and perhaps even to enjoy the moment.
How Do I Sign Up?
If you find yourself often:
getting stuck on a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and memories
lashing out at others and having to apologize later
staring off into space or daydreaming, when you really need to pay attention
having trouble focusing or remembering things
procrastinating and beating yourself up for it
easily getting knocked off emotional balance
feeling like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, or overreaction is a daily reality
…then Brainspotting Therapy might be a good fit for you.
If you’re in California, let’s work together!
Learn how Brainspotting works in a related post!
If you want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How Online Therapy Can Help
Grab a blanket, your favorite cup of coffee, and a journal! When social distancing and quarantine are the ways to keep yourself and loved ones safe from coronavirus (COVID-19), online therapy can help you get care and support in the comfort of your home.
How Online Therapy Can Help in the Time of Coronavirus
In light of the major disruptions that COVID-19 caused on all levels of society, anxiety levels have gone through the roof. Uncertainty surrounding the future, physical health, loved ones’ well-being, social life, finances, and even groceries puts great pressure on our mental, emotional, and relational health.
As we are all experiencing the effects of social distancing and shelter-in-place, now is the time to consider whether online therapy might be right for you. (Phone sessions also count as what’s called Telehealth.)
If you’ve only done in-person sessions:
Online therapy does involve some adjusting. Naturally, your brain is used to being in the same room as your therapist, but usually 1-3 sessions is all you need until your body gets the hang of it. Before you even know it, you’re able to process just as well as before, if not more deeply because you’re in your own space.
The room has changed, but your therapist has not. Your therapist can still follow you well, paying close attention to what you say (or don’t) with words and nonverbal cues.
If this is your first time in therapy:
Imagine doing FaceTime with a close friend. How do you feel talking to them about what you’re doing through? It might still be scary, but if they responded well enough in the past, you may have enough courage to share a bit more. After you do so, you feel better for it - you feel more known, less alone, and encouraged to keep going.
Therapy is similar in that way: you’re sharing important things to someone who knows and cares for you. Therapy is definitely not equivalent to a friendship (as it’s a one-way relationship), but I do have your best interest and your desired outcome in mind. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to, but am going to check in often to see if I’m getting you well. How you feel matters.
Therapy will be done at a pace that feels right for you. Online therapy can help you build connection on your turf, without needing to worry about what pants you’re wearing.
Suit up in your PJs, and let’s get to it!
Benefits of Online Therapy (Telehealth)
There are tons of advantages that online therapy can offer:
You can meet in the comfort of your home with your favorite coffee mug, plush blanket, and jammies!
Or you can meet during a lunch break. (You just need secure, steady internet connection and a private space.)
No traffic/parking/commute time.
More flexible scheduling and the possibility for more frequent and shorter sessions.
More insurance companies are covering online therapy in light of COVID-19 (*check if your plan also covers out-of-network providers or only paneled therapists*)
A wider pool of therapists who specialize in what you need without any additional commute (make sure they're in your the same state).
I am located in the San Francisco Bay Area in California (San Jose, Santa Clara, Saratoga, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Willow Glen, Sunnyvale).
How It Works
I use the telehealth feature of Simple Practice, which is the same platform I use for all my intake forms, scheduling, and billing. As a platform that thousands of therapists use, Simple Practice uses cutting edge technology to ensure the privacy and security of sensitive information.
When it’s time for our session, click on the secure link you will receive via email. You will be able to see a page where your video and mine will pop up.
Wherever you choose to “meet”, make sure to:
Secure a quiet, private space (no interruptions or others barging in). Use headphones.
Use a computer, tablet, or phone that has a microphone and camera.
Have access to secure, steady internet connection. (Phone sessions may still be an option.)
Close all other browsers and programs so that we can have full bandwidth usage and to minimize lags/drops in connection.
Get comfortable! Dress comfortably or grab a blanket. Prep a journal, tissues, and a cup of tea/coffee/water.
Ready to Begin?
FAQs about Online Counseling
Is it as Good as in-person therapy?
Thousands of people have found online sessions to be just as effective (if not more) than in-person sessions. As a therapist who has been seeing my most recent therapist solely through online sessions, I was first skeptical as to whether it would be as good as being in the same physical room as my therapist. After one or two sessions, though, I was pleasantly surprised how easily I could connect with my thoughts and emotions, just as much as I did in face-to-face sessions. I also appreciated the convenience of being able to meet wherever, as long as I had steady, secure internet connection.
Is Online Therapy for Me?
Virtual therapy can be a great way to get support, but it’s not for everyone:
Those unable to acquire secure, steady internet connection (phone sessions may still be an option)
Those unable to acquire a safe, private space (no locked doors, thin walls, housemates barging in often)
Those diagnosed with a major mental illness such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or severe depression who require higher level of care
Those struggling with significant alcohol or substance abuse
Those experiencing suicidal thoughts (call 911 or seek immediate care at your nearest emergency department, and follow up with a local in-person therapist)
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
How to Help a Loved One Ground: Sensory Recall
If your loved ones are feeling really overwhelmed with “big feelings” like anxiety, anger, or sadness, here’s one way to help them anchor themselves to the present and reduce stress using the five senses.
In a previous post, I shared a technique called Top 2/Bottom 2 to help you manage your own stress using the five senses. In this post, I share an easy step-by-step tip on how to help someone else ground when they’re feeling overwhelmed with strong emotions using sensory recall.
Sensory Recall: Using the 5 Senses
When your loved one is experiencing high stress, it can be easy for them to get lost in their emotions, lose connection with what’s happening in the here-and-now, and become increasingly reactive. The exercise described below can help someone reconnect with what’s happening in the present, away from what their emotions are often mistakenly interpreting them to be.
NOTE: This exercise is NOT meant to imply that what a person is feeling is bad and that the emotion must therefore be pushed away. Our emotions are really important in revealing what legitimate needs we have, but when they’re so loud that our ability to sort through them is overloaded, it’s sometimes better to decrease the volume first. Exercises like the one below can help turn back on the part of the other person’s brain that helps with their processing.
Note the 5 senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste.
Ask your loved one: “What is…”
After sensory recall, say:
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath, notice where you are physically in this moment.
Place your hand over your heart.
Repeat after me: “Right now, in this moment, I am okay.”
This is one of many ways to help our loved ones ground their bodies from a state of panic to one of calmness. It is not a cure-all approach, since it does require for there to already have been enough rapport and connection between you two. If the other person doesn’t seem to respond well to this (for example, because they feel you’re trying to dismiss their emotions), here is another approach: How to Be a Rabbit.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Living Wholehearted: Emotions Help Us Thrive
Emotions are an essential part of life and relationships. Try as you might, you won’t be able to get rid of them…and there’s no need to! Anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and sadness reveal legitimate needs that all of us have. As we reintegrate emotions back into our lives, we are empowered to engage life to the fullest.
Me, Age 12.
Queen of RBF (Resting Bitch Face)
"You look pissed."
"Stop pouting."
"Why are you souring the mood? We were having such a good time.
I was born into an immigrant family from a motherland culture who didn't do feelings well. Emotions were avoided, shunned, and buried underground, where they went into the blackmarket and reemerged in not-so-great ways. Tons of people around me labored endlessly, in school or work or church. They plastered happy faces in public and came home to stress and misery. This is how life was supposed to be...apparently. Back then, I didn't know how emotions help us thrive.
Three Cardinal Rules of Shamedom
There are three messages that govern families and organizations where addiction, abuse, and dysfunction run rampant:
- Don't talk.
- Don't trust.
- Don't feel.
Those who grow up in such contexts develop distorted views of themselves, others, and life that in turn influence their decisions, leading to painful experiences that then reinforce those messages. This creates a perpetuating cycle of SHAME.
Without appropriate ways to attend to pain or people to offer care, individuals turn to addictive substances or activities (including overworking, overeating, overexercising, over-anything) that are meant to reduce pain and/or enhance pleasure but end up doing neither. Rather, these very things further drive people into isolation to drown in their chaotic emotions. Such was the case for me.
Suppression, Isolation, & Restlessness,
NOT Silence, Solitude, & Stillness
I was born a deep feeler into a context where feelings weren't welcome. I had been told most of my life that I'm "too sensitive", "too emotional", or "too negative"...as if I was trying to be that way on purpose. I've been taught that our mind and our will are more important than our emotions: we're supposed to push aside what we're feeling and THINK "correctly" and DO "rightly". Mind and Will OVER Emotions.
Without a safe place to go, I dove headlong into things I felt I was good at and had more control over: academics, work, and ministry (with some video gaming and fantasizing on the side).
I kept things stuffed for as long as I could until I just couldn't. My emotions were just bottled up within me, amplifying themselves and becoming messier, nearly impossible to handle, and leaking out everywhere.
Years of depression and anxiety ensued, with strained relationships trailing behind. I didn't know how to smile, even if I tried.
Putting Pieces Together
It was after college that I started going to therapy. All my life, I felt like there was something wrong with me, because I knew deeply how messed up I was inside when everyone else seemed fine (HELLO SHAME). Through these sessions, I learned that, most likely, I'm actually in the vast majority: MOST people don't know how to do feelings and think that others are doing better. When everyone does that, everyone is stuck in isolation and shame. LOSE-LOSE-LOSE.
It's been over a decade since I began this journey of healing and growing. I've learned a lot about how essential emotions are for our personal well-being, our relationships, and life in general. Emotions help us THRIVE and I had no idea.
Becoming Whole and Living Wholehearted
In my personal journey of becoming more whole and my professional track of becoming a therapist myself, I've learned about emotional health, relationships, and neurobiology. There are two resources that I've found useful:
The Enneagram, a personality framework that reveals our reactive modes of thinking, feeling, and doing
Brainspotting, a type of body-based trauma therapy that reboots our natural ability to soothe our body’s reactivity
These two things have taught me just how much our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies are interconnected, NOT mutually exclusive or hierarchical. These aspects of us go hand in hand (or hand -’n-heart-’n-head), so it would be wise to consider and address them as such.
How do you become healthy and whole? You attend to ALL aspects of yourself: mind, will, AND emotions.
Me, Age Grown Up and Glown Up
If you’re finding that you’re having trouble knowing what to do with your emotions (which, by the way, includes numbness), perhaps a professional can help you with that. I specifically help people who struggle with painful relationships and the “difficult” emotions of anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create vibrant connections.
Talk, Trust, Feel.
In a world where stress seems the norm and pain begets more pain, let’s REVERSE the Three Cardinal Rules of Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.
Let us all become wholesome, integrated, connected people who makes decisions from wisdom, not reactivity. Let us together make this world spin for the better.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
See how the Enneagram and genogram reveal trauma, boundaries, and generational patterns in families like the Bridgertons — and maybe yours too!