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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
How "The Mask" is the Perfect Metaphor for the Enneagram
“The Mask”, featuring Jim Carrey, is a great movie that illustrates what the Enneagram types are like: masks (or personas) we don until we become so “fused” with them that we forget our true selves. Read this blog to learn about your mask!
Seeing the Enneagram Archetypes on Screen
Stories help us see important truths in life, especially when it’s about sensitive or tricky topics like our own personality and defense mechanisms.
There are a number of movies I love using to explain what the Enneagram is, how it works, and why it matters for our own healing & growth.
This blog will be exploring how the Jim Carrey classic “The Mask” (1994) is a phenomenal illustration about how:
we all wear masks (the outward-facing aspects of ourselves) to deal with life
forget who we truly are along the way, and
need to find our way back to our true selves.
The Mask and the Enneagram: What Jim Carrey's Classic Teaches Us About Personality
In this zany movie that has no shortage of exaggerations, we see Jim Carrey’s character, Stanley Ipkiss, the quintessential Enneagram 9 who is the perfect example of how our True Self (AKA our essence) tries to navigate through life’s experiences, but falls asleep to himself by putting on a whole other Enneagram 3-like persona (literally meaning, “the mask”) when he finds it too painful to show up as his real self.
The rest of the movie illustrates what happens when our rejected, repressed inner parts take over — useful in the beginning, but disastrous in the long run.
By the way, all the nine Enneagram types are archetypes of the universal human experience. Even if you yourself are neither Type 9 or Type 3, since Type 9 represents the aspect of all of us who falls asleep to our true selves, and Type 3 represents all the ways we live according to how we think we SHOULD be in the world, you can still find your own story reflected here. Just swap out the details of what your themes and patterns are.
Before the Mask: Our True Selves (Essence)
Jim Carrey’s character, Stanley Ipkiss, is the ultimate “nice guy.” He’s sweet, accommodating, and deeply uncomfortable with asserting himself.
He avoids rocking the boat and risking conflict or tension, tries to keep everyone (else) happy, and dreams of a more exciting life—but rarely takes action for himself. Instead, he resigns himself to just taking things as they come — being overly content or seeking comfort or complacency.
“Remember? Nice guys finish last.”
Stanley downplays himself both in front of obstacles (avoiding conflict) and opportunities (not asserting himself) in ways it makes the audience cringe on his behalf.
(AGHH! If only you would JUST. FREAKIN. SAY. SOMETHING!!)
(If you felt this frustration watching these scenes, this is probably you taking on what Stanley disowned and outsourced. He underly advocates for himself, and unintentionally summons someone else (i.e., YOU) to overly take on that responsibility and get upset on his behalf. This is how projection works. Neat, huh? I digress.)
Stanley reflects how Enneagram 9s (AKA The Peacemaker, Harmonizer) generally operate.
In their sloth slumber of falling asleep to their true selves, Type nines:
Avoid conflict at all costs
Have trouble asserting their needs or opinions or just putting themselves out there
Often feel overlooked, unimportant, or ignored (yet feel squeamish about doing or saying anything about it)
Escape into fantasy, comfort, or routines to avoid discomfort (narcotization is their primary psychological defense mechanism)
Repress anger until it bubbles over through passive aggression, builds up until it explodes, or disappears entirely (supposedly)
Stanley doesn’t speak up at work, gets walked all over, consistently misses his shot to connect, and struggles to be known on a deeper level.
But inside? There's a storm of unexpressed feelings, desires, and longings just waiting to erupt.
How do these repressed parts show up? Immediately after his junk of a rental car (top) breaks down on the bridge and he smashes his hand (rage outburst) or in his dreams (bottom):
How he lives sees himself and is seen: drab, broken, unwanted, boring, loser
What his repressed longings want: to be successful, suave, powerful, charismatic
The Mask: A Symbol of Repressed or Disowned Parts of Ourselves
After an infuriating incident with the car, Stanley comes across this magical mask, which unbeknownst to him we later find to be a creation of Loki — the God of Mischief — notorious for his shapeshifting abilities.
When Stanley returns home, he tosses the mask aside and switches the TV channel to an interview of a psychiatrist author of the book “The Masks We Wear”, where he says:
“We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking.”
“We suppress the id, our darkest desires…”
“…and adopt a more socially acceptable image.”
In other words, these masks help us portray ourselves differently on the outside to be accepted by others and to succeed in life.
Putting on the Mask: Taking on a New Persona
Sick and tired of being a life-long loser, Stanley puts on the magical mask, and his world turns upside down (what he thinks is rightside up).
“It’s like it brings your innermost desires to life.”
What are Stanley’s innermost desires? To be a powerful, uninhibited, unfiltered, yet wildly charismatic being, who can alter himself and his surroundings into whatever is wanted or needed in each moment.
“Somebody stop me!”
As the Mask, Stanley says what he wants, takes what he wants, and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. He becomes the exaggerated, uninhibited version of himself — in the same way that Enneagram 3s are the complete “opposite” of Enneagram 9s.
This is exactly what the Enneagram is about.
It’s like our true face is too sensitive to the outside world — it’s too intense, too scary, too much. So we put on a mask to help us get by.
Everyone has a “mask”— a false identity, a coping strategy developed to protect the self from fear, shame, or vulnerability.
Every Enneagram type is a specific mask — a specific false identity that comes with their respective coping strategies and defense mechanisms. These are what’s going on behind-the-scenes for each type:
The Masks of the Nine Enneagram Types
Enneagram Ones (the Improver): “How can I be perfect?”
Themes: good/bad, right/wrong, all/nothing
Protect from the risk of uncertainty & feeling out of control
Enneagram Twos (the Befriender): “How can I be lovable?”
Themes: intimacy, connection, closeness
Protect from the risk of being rejected for who they truly are
Enneagram Threes (the Performer): “How can I be seen as successful?”
Themes: success, admiration, productivity, spotlight
Protect from the risk of truly being a “loser”
Enneagram Fours (the Individualist): “How can I be memorable?”
Themes: uniqueness, distinction, difference
Protect from the risk of being ordinary (thus abandoned)
Enneagram Fives (the Observer): “How can I be knowledgable?”
Themes: knowledge, expertise, competency
Protect from the risk of being overwhelmed or not self-sufficient
Enneagram Sixes (the Loyalist): “How can I be safe?”
Themes: safety/danger, security, trust/mistrust
Protect from risk, period.
Enneagram Sevens (the Enthusiast): “How can I be free?”
Themes: experience, sensationalism, opportunity, and play
Protect from the risk of being trapped, especially in pain
Enneagram Eights (the Challenger): “How can I be invulnerable?”
Themes: power, will, and change
Protect from the risk of being vulnerable or influenced by others
Enneagram Nines (the Harmonizer): “How can I be invulnerable?”
Themes: peace, unity, oneness, comfort
Protect from the risk of being a Self/agent of change
When Things Go Sideways: Fusing with Our Mask
If only these masks really gave us what we truly want!
It’s not like The Mask is turning Stanley into someone else. It’s revealing parts of Stanley that were already there — always there — just deeply buried, out of his conscious awareness because it was too painful to lead life with those parts.
The Masked Version isn’t true integration (a reconciliation of various parts). Instead, it’s overcompensation. Instead of internal harmony, Stanley is still split and polarized on the inside, making him reactive (exaggerated) on the outside.
When we wear these masks long enough, our face fuses with the mask to the point where we forget that the mask is not our actual face. We only value ourselves for part of who we are because we don’t remember that there’s a whole lot more to us than what we (and others) can see.
Though these defense mechanisms and coping strategies WERE useful when we were ACTUALLY vulnerable and without many resources, there comes a point where they start CAUSING problems.
“But it’s wrecking my life.”
These masks were appropriate backup options to have when we really didn’t have alternative ways of taking care of ourselves.
But what happens when we technically OUTGROW our need for defense mechanisms but we/our masks don’t quite get the memo?
All our coping skills know how to do is to cope — to problem solve according to what they THINK is the problem.
And if there’s no problem, it summons one from thin air. Namely, it CREATES problems that it knows how to solve, because what else is it supposed to do?
Stanley felt like he was on top of the world, the object of everyone’s desires, accomplishing things he never dreamed of doing with such ease…
…until he realized that most of the admiration and affection he was receiving was for this persona that he’s so split off from. But none of these are truly “him” — rather, they’re distorted expressions of hidden desires, shadow traits, and unmet needs.
Namely, he’s only known and valued for only PART of himself, not ALL of himself.
Even when his love interest Tina (Cameron Diaz) really is drawn to the non-masked self, Stanley can’t quite tell that she loves him, since he continues to reject and minimize himself.
At some point in his story, Stanley realizes that his mask is GETTING IN THE WAY for him to get what he really wants — to be known and connected and to have a place in this world for who he really is.
The pain far outweighs the gain, so he’s ready to finally confront the real issue: integrating the internal split parts. In order for him to truly be fulfilled, he needs to take the risk and do the scary thing: take off the mask, reveal his true self, and own what’s rightfully his instead of repressing them.
“When he [The Mask] is gone, all that’s left is me [my true self].”
Taking Off Our Mask: Integrating with Our Shadows and Repressed Parts
The issue isn’t that we have masks on. It’s that we’ve fused to our masks that we’ve forgotten who we really are underneath it.
Our Enneagram types and the identities and coping strategies aren’t bad — it’s just that they were designed with the specific purpose of taking care of us when we were actually vulnerable.
Growth and healing work doesn’t involve getting rid of the mask, but recognizing that:
There are more masks than just our type — 8 whole other ones!
None of these masks are supposed to replace who we really are
These masks come in handy — as long as we can wisely discern what each situation calls for so we can put on (and take off) these masks on command, without ever forgetting ourselves.
The goal isn’t to reject or throw away undesirable aspects of ourselves to grasp for what we perceive to be the exact opposite. That just swings us to the opposite extreme, which isn’t sustainable either.
The goal isn't to swing wildly from repression to explosion, or from invisibility to domination.
The goal is to INTEGRATE — to gather the various parts and dimensions of ourselves and to make it whole.
It’s not that Stanley was a Type 9 who then became a Type 3. He always has been MORE THAN both Type 9 and Type 3:
When he was in 9-ness (pre-Mask) of self-effacing placation, his 3-ish patterns of self-assertive dynamism were already there — just buried.
When he was in 3-ness (with the Mask) of dynamic self-promotion, his 9-ish patterns didn’t disappear — it still hung out out beneath the surface.
When he took off the Mask (and kept it off), it wasn’t like he just reverted back into being 9-ish. Instead, by the end, Stanley embodies steady confidence — a harmonizing blend of 9-ish and 3-ish traits that looks qualitatively different than either type.
By the end, we see Stanley knowing and trusting his true self, his true power, and his true place in the world. He says what he needs to say, but doesn’t need to exaggerate or conceal. He takes up his rightful space because he knows he’s important without having to be all-important.
The power, admiration, and magnetism he was looking for outside himself through the Mask turns out to have been within himself this entire time: he just needed to embody it to see it for himself.
After Stanley takes off the Mask, all that’s left is him…and that’s all he needs to be.
WARNING — When You Refuse Your True Self and Choose the Mask
The villain Dorian Tyrell is an example of what happens when we DON’T integrate power and think that the mask is GOOD and our true self is BAD.
In Tyrell’s case, the Mask completely took over, and he overidentified with his coping strategies and disconnected from his authentic self.
(In this case, I would guess he’s either a very unhealthy Enneagram 8 or Type 4SX, but any other type could just as easily become the villain.)
Just because Tyrell’s mask is taken away from him in the end doesn’t mean he’s actually free of its influence — if the opportunity presented himself, he would likely opt to put back on (and keep on) this powerful alter ego.
He hasn’t (yet) had the change of heart, which only comes AFTER one realizes that what the Mask offers is just a shallow counterfeit of what one actually needs (like intimacy).
Tina used to be in a relationship with Tyrell but was turned off by his insecurities — it wasn’t that she rejected him per se but his sensitive/kind side was so deeply engulfed by this invulnerable exterior that there was no way for her to make it through and no one for her to actually connect with.
Had Tyrell connected with and led with his inner tenderness, he wouldn’t have objectified and repelled Tina. The very things he wanted — power, recognition, and/or connection — are stripped away from him, not by external factors, but by his own choosing the Mask over his true self.
You are MORE than Your Enneagram Type/Mask
It’s usually in the wake of mask-induced problems (i.e., existential crises) that people have that change of heart/rock bottom experience and reach out for therapy. People’s go-to patterns just don’t work the way they used to, and yet they don’t know what else to do.
It’s in the process of taking a deep, hard look at the parts of us that we often ignore (our shadows and other repressed needs) and actually integrating them back into ourselves that we (re)emerge as our truest selves (our essence).
A lot of people think that their Enneagram type/mask is ALL of who they are. Some even celebrate and reinforce that. However, it’s likely that the louder our Type’s patterns, the more fused and trapped we are to our own masks. We think we’re free, even though we’re actually enslaved.
When we’ve really done our inner work, our types/masks lose their effect — even though we have the capacity to make decisions in these familiar ways, we’re not defined to them.
It’s a common sign that when someone has really done a lot of internal work, it’s harder to discern what Enneagram type they are.
When we reconcile aspects of ourselves BEYOND our Enneagram type, we become more whole, grounded, resilient, free, and fulfilled.
If you find yourself being frustrated or exhausted from trying to figure out life, the issue might NOT be that you don’t know how to fix this problem.
The true issue might be that what you THOUGHT was the solution is actually CREATING problems to begin with.
Which Mask Do You Have? Ready to Release It?
The Enneagram isn’t just about recognizing our type — it’s about noticing the mask we wear to survive, and asking:
“Is this really me? Or is this just who I THINK I need to be to feel safe, loved, or powerful?”
Of the nine Enneagram types, which ones sound most like how you engage life? How is that mask working out for you?
If you don’t know your type, check out this blog!
If you’re sick and tired of your autopilot patterns and are wanting to grow BEYOND your type, here are two options:
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The Nine Types of the Enneagram
Melissa Smith from the podcast “High Vibe Mindset” invited me to talk about emotional growth and the Enneagram types. Here is the transcript of our illuminating conversation spanning all nine types and how they can grow beyond their behavioral patterns.
Melissa Smith from the podcast “High Vibe Mindset” invited me to talk about emotional growth with the Enneagram types. Scroll down for a transcript.
Transcript
Melissa Smith: I've got a special Enneagram episode today. We are going to Bust some myths and talk about how Enneagram is helpful and the ways we might use it that's not helpful. You're gonna learn what the Enneagram is and how it can be used in your life as a tool for empowerment and for self reflection and growth and the Enneagram is one that I think is starting to become a little bit more popular.
But maybe you're more familiar with Myers Briggs or the DISC personality, used a lot in different workplaces, but the Enneagram is another tool. And I'm super excited for the expert guests I have on today because I love the way that she uses the Enneagram. She's a therapist and she integrates this tool into her therapy work.
Joanne is a therapist-turned Feelings Translator who helps Highly Sensitive Persons turn their biggest feelings into their greatest superpower.
The people who work with her are often the first or the only person in their family or communities that intuitively process and express feelings. And consequently, they're often judged or criticized. So they end up learning how to please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall. They're super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger — their own or others’.
Often these super responsible, empathetic persons will reach out to Joanne after they've already burned out they're in those resentful lopsided relationships or they've been sucked into their shame spiral.
When Joanne shares her approach about how to work with feelings, the number one response she tends to get is,
“Why didn't they teach me this in school??”
She has a really awesome free guide, it's called the Big Feeler First Aid Kit.
It helps you learn how to navigate your feelings when they show up when you least expect them or want them. And you can go ahead and grab that free guide at www.intelligentemotions.com/firstaidkit.
All right, let's dive into the episode, Joanne. I'm so excited for this conversation and to kick it off. I would love for you to share a little bit of background on the Enneagram.
What is the Enneagram and how it's been used historically?
Joanne Kim: The Enneagram is a a personality framework that compared to other things like Myers Briggs, StrengthsFinders, things that often track WHAT people do as their patterns. The Enneagram tracks WHY we do what we do.
So it's more about motivations. unconscious needs, fears, longings that often like drive us from behind the scenes. And so we don't know that it's happening. Often the people around us have a clearer idea.
Melissa Smith: That makes sense. Okay. So a lot of the fears and the needs. So, I would love to talk about how that shows up for the different Enneagram types, but what are the types or what could you if you sat down and you're trying to figure out what your Enneagram type is? What does that kind of look like?
Joanne Kim: Well, I would like to say that it's a simple framework. It does become very powerful once we locate our type, though in a lot of ways there are some exceptions to the rule.
A lot of what we've heard about the Enneagram, especially like social media and recent books, only cover about the nine types. “Ennea” means nine, “gram” means points, so it's like nine points. And generally, these are nine themes that we all resonate with, we just get STUCK in one. It's just that there are some variations within the type that maybe go the opposite direction.
Sometimes it's helpful to use 27 subtypes, instead of nine. But in looking at the different types in order to find out what your main type is, we look at some of your historical triggers. Like when you look back on the times you felt the most excited or you felt the most heartbroken, what are the common denominator themes?
For some people might be feeling FOMO or feeling like they have all these big aspirations, but there's something inherently wrong or flawed about them or constantly feeling frustrated because they're trying to improve things, but just things don't quite turn out the way that they want to. And so on so forth.
So we look for the themes, and that is one of the reasons why the Enneagram is harder to type for. It takes more time than taking a quick online test, but the end result is that much more rewarding because we locked down what remained invisible up till then.
Melissa Smith: That's a helpful way to see it because I think I noticed a lot of that feeling like I resonate but like you said, but really getting down to those core themes… what's a core fear that's coming up? What's that loop in my head when I'm in a situation before we dive into maybe each of those types and the subtypes, I would love to hear what you observed as a helpful versus not helpful way of using the Enneagram. So that people can understand, you know, we're going to talk a little bit more about what it is and what the types are. To help listeners to maybe figure out their type on this episode, maybe not. It a little more work than that.
What's the purpose of using the Enneagram and what's a good, helpful way to use it?
Joanne Kim: Yeah, I would say any tool or framework that taps into people's vulnerabilities has a very deep transformational potential for our inner work. But it also is a double edged sword because in the hands of people who misuse it or their own egos take over, a lot of people can wield that power poorly or kind of against other people.
So, the discovering our own Enneagram type is inherently a very personal journey. We ought to give ourselves permission and time to really sit with the different themes and to see which one actually resonates with us, especially because some of the types happen to be more shapeshifters. It kind of depends on who we happen to be around.
But after we find out our type, Whenever we reveal our type to other people, other people ought to know that that is a very vulnerable step. We're not sharing our types with others so that others… I mean, it's like we're kind of giving other people access to kind of our biggest fears. Right? And so I would say there are some people who like announce their type on the internet.
Like, I'm such and such type, and therefore like, this is just who I am. Actually, our type is not who we are, it's what we believe we are. So it's what we've pigeonholed ourselves into. So our type is our starting point in our growth journey. Our goal is to grow beyond the type. So when we hear about another person's type, it's like we're only getting a snapshot of where they are and historically what their patterns have been. It doesn't say anything about who they can become.
Melissa Smith: Yeah, that's super important.
Joanne Kim: So, actually, the more a person's done their personal work, the harder it is to tell what their type is. Because our types are basically concentrated doses of our psychological defense mechanisms. So people who ironically tend to feel very proud of their type might actually be announcing that they're stuck in their defense mechanism.
It is a very useful framework because it gives us a lot more complexity and dimension. But again, that's part of the reason why it's harder to type for in the beginning and often a lot of the reasons why some people might just dismiss it outright. It's like, well, how accurate is it really?
We're finding more and more. It's been a framework that's been around for thousands of years. Though it's been mostly passed down through oral tradition because, you know, spiritual teachers who are teaching their pupils wisely instructed their pupils to not write this down, because in the hands of the wrong people, it can cause a lot of damage.
But Berkeley students did as Berkeley students do in that they went against their teachers, they wrote it down on paper in the 1970s. What we've known about the Enneagram since then is that version.
And so we're still uncovering more and more about the Enneagram finding out that there are bits and pieces that actually have been reflective in a lot of ancient traditions. Like the Seven Deadly Sins that's been around for hundreds of years. You just add on two more, it becomes Nine Deadly Sins. And so it is a very rich framework and it seems like it's also kind of ever evolving. And so one of the reasons why I really appreciate it instead of like a rigid fixed thing.
Benefits of the Enneagram
Melissa Smith: Yeah, there's so many layers to it. Cause I saw it online. I would see a lot of posts like this is this type strength or weakness. And then again, you know, okay, now we're all talking about the fears and the needs, the deadly sins. Give you the awareness and like you said, sit with it. A lot of layers and information to that.
We kind of spoke on a little bit of, how the Enneagram can be a tool for self growth and self awareness. It obviously has various archetypal type of themes that I need to dive into. But for you personally, what have you seen as some of those major themes and like the benefits that we can discover when we're using the Enneagram as a tool?
Joanne Kim: Well, so my Enneagram type is Type Four. Sometimes it's known as the individualist, sometimes it's known as the Romantic. Sometimes the terminology is very limited because it talks about what people do versus why. I'm also a therapist by training and it just so happens that therapy itself is like the Type Four's playground because Four's are often like the navelgazers who want to go internal and do all this introspection about who they are and what matters to them, what reflects them as an individual and all that stuff.
And therapy is actually built exactly for that purpose. It's just that a lot of Fours seek therapy thinking that they'll be able to heal or whatever, only to find that they're recycling the same thing. So I think in a lot of cases, Fours actually need more coaching than they do therapy.
But for myself, because I was already very internal, I had mistakenly assumed that I have a monopoly on what authenticity is, like,
“No one understands me”,
“Everyone's going to misunderstand me”.
“What's the point of explaining to them and all that kind of stuff”.
It wasn't until I really got into the Enneagram and I found out that this was actually a type structure. I was like, crap, I'm basically doing this to myself. I'm actually creating my own suffering but I'm not the only person who deals with this. There's like a whole subpopulation of people who all kind of operate the same way. And if they conclude that their life is tragic, but everyone around them are like, why are you so upset? Then maybe it's the person creating their own narrative of suffering for themselves.
And I think that kind of like blew open a whole process where I was just reevaluating my own experiences. And it's not to say that I haven't gone through hard things, but I definitely made it emotionally more difficult. Yeah, because my type framework identifies with being a sufferer. It's as if I have to be suffering at all times in order for me to matter, which to those who are not Fours might sound like, what how does that even work?
But if someone, if a Four is listening to this and like, wait yeah that's that's how things are, right? No, it's not. So that's been super helpful. It's definitely super charged my own healing and growth process.
Melissa Smith: Yeah, I believe I'm a Four as well, but it's really funny because at first I thought I was a Seven. But I was only a Seven for like a short period of time. I had all the depressive, self-shame, self-whatever stuff my whole life. It's funny too, because now I've been in this process of like, who am I and how do I be more like authentic?
It is my word of the year. I have the know that. It's that journey of like, am I like a seven or am I like a three? Because I am ambitious, but I also have FOMO. But when you realize, okay, but what's really happening in these interactions and what I'm striving for at the end of the day,
When I first came across the Enneagram, something told me like, oh, you could be like a Four, you were very Four when you were in elementary, middle school and high school, but maybe you're not. I saw the terrible side of it for some reason, maybe I just read into the negativity online about fours, and I'm like, oh, I don't want to be a Four. No, that's terrible. And kind of convinced myself, like, there's no way I'm a Four, you know, that ordeal. And really, I think those are the ways, too, that people can really use the Enneagram in a way that's not going to benefit them, right? Like, kind of just zero in on, oh, these traits are positive. I want the positive traits, and I think, want to be like that type.
Joanne Kim: Well, I think in a lot of ways, that's the byproduct of very simplistic teaching on the Enneagram. Right. Like the 1970s, it feels like a long time ago, but, you know, historically speaking, it's really not that long ago. And so if what we have heard about it is the more rudimentary version of it. It's like that there are nine types, what each of the types tend to look like or how they operate what happens in like their, I mean, some people call it the path to growth and the path of stress.
Right. It's very super simplistic. Since then, cause I've been trained under Beatrice Chestnut, who is also a therapist by training. She's been really taking the torch to integrate the Enneagram and psychology together and introducing also the subtypes. It's it's actually much more complicated than that.
In order for someone to have like a teaching platform, they really have to know the fuller picture of what the Enneagram, like how that framework works. Instead of taking this part of it and then disseminating that information because people will draw all kinds of conclusions. There's a ton of people who reach out to me.
Some people who know their Enneagram type and they're like, well, I'm such and such a type. And you know, this page says that when I'm super healthy, I become this type. And when I'm super unhealthy, I become this type. And then I just tell them, that's only half a picture. Right. And so there's a lot of shame, extra shame that people either put on themselves or they dump on other people based on these very elementary frameworks. That's partially why we really got to put the brakes on in really taking our time to learn about the Enneagram more comprehensively. I mean, I think that in a lot of ways.
It's becoming more popular these days. It's kind of like the next BuzzFeed quiz. It's like, what kind of cupcake are you? It's along those lines, an easy cocktail party topic. But this is probably not one of the topics that lend itself well, especially because it's dealing with people's core needs.
Melissa Smith: When you dive in and you really see it, it's like you said, it's so transformational, it will put you through that dark night of the soul, right? It's going to be like, whoa, crazy. You really get a better understanding of yourself, but it also can help you be more empathetic to other people. I think it's awesome in that way, but it is funny because those are the type of things I think that are more seen or popularized are those Enneagram posts that are a photo of someone. And I wear this type of outfit and I drink this type of drink because I'm a Seven, you know, I'm the rebel, whatever.
Okay. So let's dive into then and share with listeners a little bit about those nine types and just your observations on those different nine types.
Enneagram One - The Improver
Joanne Kim: I think it might be easiest to go through the nine themes instead of going in like deep dive. I do have a blog post that I'll share the link to if someone wants to do, like find out what their type is in a DIY format.
But the nine themes in order of type are, you know, starting with type One is about improving. So Ones I like to think of them as the idealist who has like such lofty standards and then they get frustrated because the reality of where they are now, there's such a huge gap between that and what they think things should be. And so improver that mode shows up in ways that they either improve themselves, they improve other people, they improve the situation, or they make themselves the role model that other people ought to follow.
So often the emotional energy that goes with that is anger, but not like the outward expressive kind. It's more like the seething quiet behind scenes, like stewing resentment version. And so oftentimes Ones have a very like, like stoic or stern face, with kind of some wrinkle on their brow because their attention is towards how can this be better? They often have noble intentions because they really want what's better for themselves or the other person. But, when that goes overboard, they end up accidentally becoming very critical.
And so everyone can have an inner critic, but for once the inner critic's going on 25-7. It's non stop, it's relentless, it's like the person is living as if they're always in a courtroom. Or there's always a judge. There's always a defendant. There's always a plaintiff. So, Ones can in a way always be stuck in like work mode because there's always something to do, always something to improve, something to fix. And they have a really hard time going with the flow and being at ease and resting they often get resentful at other people who take time off and things like that when it's actually a signal for them to really be taking time off themselves.
Melissa Smith: Yeah. Mm hmm. Would perfectionism be something that is an energy that shows up for them or something different?
Joanne Kim: Yeah. And so that kind of depends on like the subtypes. So there are three different kinds of ones. And so the person who improves themselves, that will be the true perfectionist. The person who becomes the role model, they often take like a teacher type of vibe.
And then, the person who tries to improve others, they're like the reformer or the zealot. They're very fiery. So, each we kind of need to learn how to round out within our type. And then also among the other types too. Because our type and our subtype is actually where we get stuck. We live as if that's the only way to live and gotta need to soften that up a lot.
Enneagram Two - The Befriender
The type Twos, I like calling them the befrienders. Sometimes they're called the givers and the helpers, but again, that's focusing on the behavior, not the motivation. I like calling them befrienders and it's a term I borrow from my teacher because the reason why Twos often are in helping roles is so that they can get something in return. Their main focus, their theme is around connection relationships being liked, being loved, it’s very other people focused.
So I would say like 95 percent of their attention probably is about other people. Rarely do they actually think about themselves, except, think about themselves in relation to someone else. Often, these are the folks who will gravitate towards helping professions, only to find out that because they haven't been thinking about their own wants and needs, eventually their body catches up with them and they get super resentful.
Similar to Ones but it's different in that it's a resentment about there being such an imbalance. in relationships. Other people are receiving their help, but that other person isn't particularly thinking about, you know, reciprocating and things like that. So a lot of imbalanced relationships. There's kind of this pride or arrogance in the two that, considers, I know the other person's needs better than they know their needs.
I have to make myself indispensable. It's kind of like a manipulative way of ensuring that there's some connection. Because the core fear is if I don't have connection I won't survive. If I'm not liked if I'm not loved then I'm gonna be devastated. Again, even those who aren't Twos might resonate with that in some ways But for Twos, that's like the central. So yeah, I would say that Twos, because they're so focused on other people and less so on themselves. Two's are probably one of the types that are the most misunderstood in the Enneagram community. Because it's really hard for everyone else to learn about someone who doesn't quite know themselves to explain what's going on behind the scenes. It just so happens that my teacher is herself a Two. And so doing her own work, she's finally like revealed what's behind the curtain.
Melissa Smith: And then they would have a subtypes too? Maybe something that's a very much like a caregiver.
Joanne Kim: It surrounds a different ways of seducing or charming others. So, one way of seducing is like being very young and cutesy, like, Oh, you know, I don't know how to take care of this thing. Like, what will I do? And then someone who's like, Oh, I can do it. They get like the more powerful, the strong or older person to come to their rescue. So it's the, the charm or seduction as if they're a child. And then there's the seduction of capturing the attention of an audience. So this is more of the if we think about the younger Two as like the princess. Then this would be like the empress, this very like power oriented, very good at in corporate settings, knowing where the hierarchies are and kind of working the room. And then my, which is the classic seductive types, like the femme fatale, like, seducing a chosen person that can be a best friend.
It can be a romantic partner meeting that person's needs so that that person can meet all their needs. So, if you think about, like, the sirens in the Odyssey, where they're singing and they're luring sailors to come towards the shore and then the boat crashes into the rocks and then that leads to a deadly ending. And that's kind of what that version of Twos look like. But all three of them have something to do with this gift to get dynamic, or this charming, seductive, shapeshifting piece. So sometimes Twos can be harder to type because they shapeshift to be more likable. Kind of depends on their relationship context.
Melissa Smith: Okay. Yeah. So the needs, you know, you mentioned it being about wanting love, wanting affection, obviously, like people pleasing, they're trying to love bomb at first, or let me do all these things for you. Let me wow you let me give you all this love. But hey, I expect to take care of me like the princess archetype or something.
Joanne Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That might not actually be very conscious. For them, they might not, they might think of themselves as being super generous. It's not until like way later, they're like, after all I did for you! And so that's part of the hard thing is that if they aren't aware of that particular piece and knowing that, I mean, even acknowledging that they also have needs, that's a super difficult part for Twos. And so they could have gotten their needs met sooner, had they even acknowledged that they had needs like everyone else and that it's okay to have needs, it feels very humiliating.
Melissa Smith: Is this also kind of like a codependency thing? Like I need a connection. I need the other person I'm going to take care of you, but I need someone to take care of me. Like we need to do this together. I can't do this on my own type of thing.
Joanne Kim: There are several types that can have that pattern, just for different reasons. Two is one of them that is, out of the nine, the most obviously relationship oriented. But someone else can have that set up because they're very unsure of their own abilities. They feel like they don't have the power or the strength to do so this might might be more out of a sense of like imposter syndrome or lack of confidence instead of like, I need to be with another person, you know?
Yeah, like what I just mentioned is what type Sixes can do like a Nine version of doing that, is the person just doesn't want to make their own decisions. And so it's just easier to be around other people. But yes, type Twos tend to be more host or hostess, right?
It's like welcoming people into their home kind of thing. I think that a variation of that is the parasite host dynamic, where it's as if they have to constantly be fused with someone else in order to feel okay. In reality, what Twos don't often realize is they're actually okay being on their own and spending time with themselves, but that's like in more in their blind spot.
So when a Two hears this for the first time, they're like, that sounds terrible, but it's actually technically part of their growth work.
Enneagram Three - The Performer
Joanne Kim: Type Threes main theme for them would be the performer. Sometimes they're known as the achiever, but that focuses on what they do. The main thing to focus on is that they need an audience. It's not just about doing a lot of things. It's about doing a lot of things and looking good while doing it.
Right. And so, in a sense Twos and Threes are also shapeshifters in that they're doing things because of other people. Threes are also one of the types that are very disconnected from themselves, so they don't quite know what their own individual agenda is. They're gauging their environment and sensing, okay, what are the metrics of success here?
What are things that people admire? And let me become that. And so often Threes get a lot of accolade, they get a lot of praise for what they do, not knowing that that's actually part of the ego at work. So I'm in the middle of the Silicon Valley tech world, entrepreneurial, like there's a lot of good stuff happening here. But it's also the place where those who are type Threes hide the most. What they think is great is actually, you know, ego driven psychological defense mechanisms. And so the challenge with Threes is that the very thing that keeps them trapped is the very thing that's celebrated, at least in this part of the world.
And so, especially in the United States I think a lot of Threes would have the hardest time doing their personal word because, why would they go away from the reward system? That celebrates them for like looking good, very image-oriented brand focus, wanting to have what's the best, but the best in other people's eyes. There's a lot of sadness that's very deep under the surface, uh, and that is what Threes need to get in touch with for them to really know who they are as their own person, their own individual self.
Melissa Smith: Okay. Yeah, you mentioned for One, there's a lot of anger, underneath. Three, it's sadness.
Joanne Kim: Well, Three is they're disconnected from sadness. They actually need to be more connected with it. So it's like, there's an inverted relationship in that sadness is one of the emotions that highlight our individuality. Like, it tells us what really matters to us. But when someone's shut that down for the sake of being what other people want them to be, there's that inherent sadness that comes from losing connection with oneself. But that is part of what Threes blocked out.
It's like they're sad about not connecting with what matters to them. And they're also sad that they don't even know who they are. But that is something that Threes who've done some work come to recognize. It's still there, even if they're not aware of it. But usually it's what it's super loud when Threes have worked themselves down to the bone, their body shut down, they get sick, they're bedridden. And then what do they do in bed? All these feelings that have been buried come up. And they're like, I need to not feel like this anymore. I need to hurry up and get better so I can get back to work. Right? So it's that trap that we get stuck in.
The Twos in a sense also have a sadness theme too, in that they've also disconnected from themselves, except they probably are more in touch with sadness, or they might use it as a way of seducing in ways that differently from Threes, in that they just shut it down because it feels like a very inefficient emotion. They have too much work to do, sadness just slows them down.
Enneagram Four - The Romantic
Joanne Kim: So in comparison to those two types, type Four which I like the term the individualist instead of the romantic. Type Four overdoes sadness in that everything that other people underly feel, the Four feels extra strongly in that part of that is to be a distinct individual to be unique, to be special. It's always this sense of being the exception to the rule that really appeals to Fours. And so if you think about like in a family or an organization, someone who tends to be the black sheep.
Melissa Smith: Yep, black sheep!
Joanne Kim: Yep. Black sheep, rebel, whistleblower, the lost child, like all of those terms. Those are very Four-ish roles. That people of other types can also feel too, but type Four, that person has that as their personality. It's like even when they're in an environment where they're, you know, everyone knows that they're a very integral part of the community, the Four feels like they're the oddball out, that they're always on the outside looking in.
So, in that sense, there's like a tension between the heart types: Twos, Threes, and Fours. Twos and Threes disconnect from their authentic selves to connect with other people. Fours go the opposite direction, they choose connection with themselves, but they disconnect from other people. And so in that sense there's extra sadness. Sadness can be itself a security blankie. So Twos and Threes need to do sadness more, Fours need to do sadness less. Partially by recognizing that things aren't as bad as they think it has to be. Or that what they want isn't as elusive and far away as they think it is. It's actually maybe already available to them. It's just, that's what's in Four’s blindspot.
Melissa Smith: Anytime I make a tag, it's like creative rebel and always rebel or black sheep and all those things. But what is some of those core fears? Like, where does that sadness come from? You said being misunderstood. I think that makes sense. Or being the odd ball out. Any other?
Joanne Kim: I think that's like the outer layer. It's what's more visible. Because as a Four, like I've definitely used being misunderstood as a way of justifying the way I live my life, right? And so a level deeper actually ironically is the fear of goodness. Which is not what Fours are known for. It's being so afraid of connecting with our goodness, with goodness of life because it's like if we have connection to goodness then that exposes us to risk of losing it. Let's just skip all that risk and just assume that we don't have it to begin with.
So it makes a lot of sense in that way but it doesn't make sense in that we live as if that's like the all encompassing truth that therefore we don't deserve to have goodness. So we take the good thing and we take it way too far. So all the other types. But in that sense, like what we know about the Fours, melancholy, longing, all that stuff, that's just a surface level pattern that we see deeply buried underneath.
And often when Fours hear this, they sometimes glitch out. They're like, what does that even mean? I'm scared of goodness. I've been wanting goodness this whole time. But when they really do that exploration, well, every time something good's happened, I've sabotaged it. They have a hard time sitting with it and allowing that to actually see them.
Melissa Smith: Makes sense because I would love all this stuff or I want friends or whatever, but I'm not good enough or I'm the oddball. Obviously, we feel like we want those things. But like you said, the fear of goodness. A big lesson for me. I did a family constellation thing with my mom's Brazilian and they have, you know, people act out what's the dynamic what's going on here and my big theme was fear of success.
I'm like, that is so weird. I'm like, well, duh, fear of failure. But like fear of success, you know, and person acted me out. Laughing or looking away, being embarrassed, like not able to look success in the eye. I have some deep-seated beliefs here of, you know, success is just not, not a thing for me, or there's some fear there, like you said.
Joanne Kim: Yeah, yeah, so the central theme. I did call, of course, the individualist, and the exception to the rule, but the central theme is around suffering. And the subtypes of Fours is that there's some people who overly suffer outwardly. It's like, woe is me. Everything's terrible. So everyone else and their mama knows how they're suffering.
And then there's some people, some Fours who make other people suffer. It's like, how dare you make me feel this way? I'm going to go after you. So first is a sad Four. The second is an angry Four. And then there's the Four that doesn't look like a Four which is the subtype I happen to be, where they suffer silently alone.
So nobody around them except like the closest people has any idea just how much this person has taken on. And so this type of four actually can look like a lot of the other types. Just essential piece is it kind of depends on their mood. And so there's a lot of identifying with suffering. It's like, I need to be always suffering for me to feel like I'm okay. Again, to other types are like, why? But to Fours, it's like, that's, that's just life. That's just how it is. And so the idea of taking that off, it feels terrifying.
Enneagram Five - The Observer
Joanne Kim: Fives, I like thinking of them as the observers in that they're like the people who live in a fortress with thick walls high up in the ivory tower and they're looking down at the world from a distance and that they're very much in their heads. They engage the world through their intellect instead of actually engaging life by being in it. And in that sense, the, their strength is in seeing things more neutrally, more objectively, whereas Twos, Threes, and Fours, and like other people, have a hard time having a more balanced view. But the downside is that's at the cost of them having shut down their hearts. So Fives often feel like they're different in that they're kind of awkward, they don't really know how to interact with people.
Part of that is from this fear that if I open up this fortress door, other people are going to come in and they're going to take everything I have. They're going to take all my energy, they're going to take all my resources, and I'm going to be left with nothing. And that is probably the core fear, the fear of being depleted.
It's just that normally, Fives live anticipating depletion, so they like ration out every single part of their day to make sure that at the end of it, they'll still have enough. It's just, though, in actuality, and it's more evident for other people that the Five lives, starts their day with 20 percent battery life instead of 100 percent. And they're like, okay, I need to dedicate 1 percent to this and 2 percent to that and they're like constantly in scarcity mode. So anytime something new or unexpected happens, they're like, oh my gosh, I only have so much left. Like, what am I going to do? And then they panic and they shut down.
Melissa Smith: Do you think that starting with the 20 percent is just genuine, for whatever reason, they have less energy or is it also more like the belief of like, Oh, I, there's no way I have a hundred percent.
Joanne Kim: It's the second. Their fear is around abundance. So they need to recognize that they actually have access to the abundance of life, that they have lots of resources instead of needing to keep their fortress door locked. If they open it up, And integrate with the rest of the world, then even when they use up their rations, well, they can rely on other people to bring in more and replenish. But that is not an assumption that they have. And so often Fives, even when they're like given a million dollars. They're like, I don't know if I'm going to have enough. And this always calculating like, okay, these are the ways where it's not going to be enough. And this over rationalizing. So, their main engine is around fear, though, being disconnected from their hearts. They don't even know that it's fear because they rationalized that it's just them being smart.
Enneagram Six - The Questioner
Joanne Kim: I like the word Questioner, sometimes they're called the Devil's Advocate or the Loyalist and those things also apply too. But, for sixes, there's more active fears, more of this frenetic energy, like, oh, like I need to make sure that my radar is on at all times because I can't be caught off guard.
So they tend to be like Chicken Little, like the sky is falling or the sky can fall at any time. It's like the, what if something bad happens? And so in that sense, they tend to think about every single situation about the worst case scenarios and then prepare for all of that. So, you know, if something goes sideways in actuality, Sixes are your people. You want to make sure you stick close to them because they probably already thought about it. But the downside is they can't relax. Because if they relax and they let down their guard, what if something terrible happens, and then it's kind of that thing recycling again. So it's exhausting. Their bodies pay the toll for that and other people experience Sixes as being overly negative, even though in the Sixes mind, it's like, it's just me being rational and practical.
And again, that there again is that self-justifying dynamic of that's reflective in each type, but the sixes are around safety, security, trust. They often question authority figures, not knowing that it's because they've disowned their own power. If someone knows their own power, even if an authority figure tells them what to do, it doesn't rattle them. It's like, yeah, this is what this job requires. Instead of, this person's like trying to control me. They go too far with that.
Melissa Smith: Making me think too of a lot of someone who might, just mistrust a lot. Conspiracy theorists.
Joanne Kim: Yeah. Like with Fours, there's a lot of variation within the subtypes of Sixes. So some people are like actively questioning it. It's like the fight mode as an expression of fear. Some people though actually align with those conspiracy theories or people with a lot of power and strength. They're like, oh my gosh, if I stick with this person who's very powerful, then I'll be okay. Yeah. So Sixes are also kind of harder to type for. And so if Fives are very neutral and sixes are actively negative…
Enneagram Seven - The Enthusiast
Joanne Kim: Sevens are actively positive, and this is like everyone's favorite person because there's a life of the party. They're super fun because they're constantly looking for what's good, what's positive, what's okay, what could be, what the possibilities are.
And in that they're excellent at brainstorming things, coming up with wild dreams and ideas, but their limitation is that they get bored very easily. So they are good at starting projects, but not very good at following through with them. And on the surface, there's a lot of this high positive energy, but at the core of it, there is a deep fear of being trapped in pain.
So it's kind of the exact opposite of Fours. Fours are trapped, but Fours are scared of connecting with goodness, so they overdo negativity. Sevens are scared of negativity, and so they overdo good. It's just because the nature of how their patterns show up, they get rewarded. Everyone thinks that they're great, but the people who get really pissed off are the family members and the partners and the co-workers, people that they're working alongside. Because these folks need to be extra responsible for the ways that the Seven is not taking responsibility. So the term for Sevens is the enthusiast, seeing things in a more positive way.
Melissa Smith: I thought I was a seven and even one of my best friends of 20 years. Can see me as the Four and the Seven because it's very FOMO life of the party all this I know myself that I don't come from that everything has to be almost like that toxic positivity. I can really bring them down and get philosophical. All the time very easily, but the Seven kind of makes me think of the comedian trope or the person that has to be very outgoing trying to run away from the pain, right?
Joanne Kim: Yeah, yeah, I think because you mentioned that you're Brazilian, right? There's a possibility that it might be a cultural influence too. You know, and so I would say Brazil is a very Seven-ish country. In that even people who are not type Sevens, those who have that culture's influence might look Seven-ish So there's part of that as an option and there's a specific type of Four that actually looks like Sevens.
Melissa Smith: Okay, interesting.
Joanne Kim: So if you're looking into subtypes, every type has three versions according to the instincts, self-preservation, social and sexual. Those are the three instincts we all have, but one of them takes the driver's seat and then one of them is shoved into the trunk. And so your combination of your type Four and whatever your dominant instinct is, it might also be partially why you might show up like a Seven at some point. That's for further exploration later. Like for me, I am the self reservation Four. And so in the sense that I don't look like a four, part of that is because I definitely have big feelings on the inside, but I don't always show it on the outside. I turn on a specific mode when I'm in public. So there's a possibility that if you are type Four, then you might be self preservation Four.
Melissa Smith: Awesome. Well, people will benefit from working with you and learning more and getting into the more of the subtypes and everything.
Enneagram Eight - The Challenger
Joanne Kim: I think of Eights as sledgehammers. Where it's about big impact, maximum output. It's they're super high level, high visionaries in that they want to seek whatever has the most like direct outcome. And they tend to have a lot of impatience for the nitty gritty details. A lot of their theme is around power. Strength being active, but what's not as visible is that it's out of a fear of being vulnerable and at the mercy of other people.
And so they basically overcompensate with strength so that they don't have to get in touch with their weakness. So oftentimes people who think their Eights are very good at like tolerating like negative feedback because they don't really care about what other people think. At least that's what it seems, but on the inside, they extra care about what other people think, but they don't want to allow themselves to go there, so they kind of end up putting up this very extra tough persona.
But you know those people who act all tough, but then when someone slices them, they zero in on that person. Vengeance is one of the key themes of type Eight. So it's like the inability to let things go and to be forgiving and to start afresh. These people tend to be at high levels of a company, lots of CEOs, lots of bosses, and they tend to steamroll over other people. But as companies are designed often they're celebrated for the work because there's maximum impact.
We just don't know what the body count is, because those people probably have been fired, they probably left. And so, there are a lot of people in the Silicon Valley who probably are very Eight-ish. It's just that people who aren't Eight-ish aren't likely to stick around to actually go against them. So it sometimes ends up creating a very toxic environment because the Eight believes that their perception is the absolute capital T truth. Yeah, so it's not until they run into some situation where their body's collapsing from overworking that they then confront their own limitation and mortality. But it is not often a path that the Eight chooses voluntarily.
Enneagram Nine - The Harmonizer
Joanne Kim: And then ending it with Nines. I like the word harmonizer, even though some people use the word mediator or peacemaker, because even though peacemaking and mediating is what Nines often do, it's not necessarily for the sake of improving relationships with people.
It's really so that they feel comfortable. The deadly sin for nines is sloth and that doesn't mean laziness. It means falling asleep to oneself so that they don't have to make decisions and be an individual. So if they turn off their own attention towards themselves, they don't need to make decisions. They don't need to think hard about who they are as an individual. That takes too much work. And so an easy way of avoiding that is actually merging with other people or routines sometimes. Because if everything is set either as a schedule or by other people, then they just need to go with the flow and kind of coast along with it and they could just live more carefree.
And so often Nines look very soft, very gentle, kind of the opposite of Eights, but what they don't know is that they actually have more power and energy than Eights do. If only they would wake up. If only they would find out who they really are, what they really want. Nines, they're a force to be reckoned with. You cannot stop them once they wake up. It's just they prefer to be sleep. So yeah, all the nine types have themes that we all resonate with in some shape or form. Like at some point we've all felt vengeance. At some point we've all felt like the desire to be liked, but our type is where we've gotten stuck.
What we've identified ourselves with. And therefore, what celebrating our type is actually the opposite of what needs to happen. Otherwise, we're celebrating the trap we've put ourselves into. True freedom comes from recognizing the trap that we're in and finding the key to come out and live. Access the other parts of life that we already have ready access to.
Melissa Smith: Yeah, that makes sense. If we are wanting better relationships or that dream project, mission, career, and we're running into all these obstacles and things that we're sabotaging doing ourselves. I think that really shows us where, like for me, seeing my Four tendencies really help to see the way I hold myself back from those one or the ways I show up in relationships.
All right. Well, let's see. I have so many more questions, but I know we're basically out of time. I will end with… one of your mottos and you mentioned it too, at the beginning is growing beyond your enneagram type so that you live in love from your flow state. How did that journey look for you, like learning about the enneagram and then growing beyond it?
My Enneagram Journey
Joanne Kim: I mean, once I found out that I was creating my own suffering, it's like, I can continue living that way, but it wouldn't do me any good. It wouldn't do anyone else any good. And it's more suspending my type's belief system. It is like type four's main fear is the fear of goodness, especially my own goodness.
It's like, okay, I resonated with this whole thing. I recognize how I've painted myself into a corner. What if the things I believe in are actually only a piece of the bigger picture? What if I don't have all the information? What if instead of thinking that I'm always without something essential, what if it's actually available to me?
And that opened up the door for possibilities and opportunities kind of in a Seven-ish way, but less out of a sense of the need to be whole, but out of the out of the consideration that I might already be whole. The idea of a flow state versus a stress state is a flow state is something you engage in, you get super absorbent because the experience is itself its own reward. If great things happen at the end, that's bonus, but not the point. And the flow state is constantly generating more and more energy. And there's surplus to even be generous for other people, whereas a stress state is I have to do this or else something bad is going to happen or something good is not going to happen.
So it's like living with a guillotine or a carrot hanging out over our heads, right? That wears us down. It creates so much strife, so much stress for ourselves and other people. And this is usually where our Enneagram types live. So if we switch into flow state, it's like, okay, let me suspend what my type says I am and let me see what happens if I try something else.
Yeah. And that's kind of where my life kind of started changing in my personal life, my relationships, my businesses. And I practice just letting the data speak for itself instead of living from my interpretation of what the data means. So it's been a wild experience and I'm super thankful for the Enneagram because I don't think there's been any other resource that's brought as much healing for me.
Melissa Smith: Yeah. So that's awesome. I love that. Well, it'd be great to share a little bit, just an introduction. I know we can't go into this, but You have a freebie guide and you talk a lot about emotions as well to the Enneagram. So can you just give us a little bit of a introduction on how you do this work, how you integrate the Enneagram and emotion work and what that kind of looks like. So listeners can understand like what else they can get from the Enneagram.
Joanne Kim: Yeah. And so I have my hat as a therapist, Enneagram therapist, and my hat as a feelings coach. I like calling myself a feelings translator because in the same way we actually resonate with all nine Enneagram types, we also resonate with all the full range of emotions.
It's just that based on our type, partially, we tend to pick and choose certain emotions as good and think the rest of them as bad. And so we become very lopsided in that we overdo these supposedly good emotions and we underdo what's supposedly bad emotions. So that only reinforces our own patterns which keep us stuck and the way out of it basically one of the ways to grow beyond our type structure is to recognize what our own emotional habits are.
Finding out which feelings we've labeled as good and which is bad and dialing back what have been labeled as good. Because we're overdoing them and then summoning forth what we've underly practiced so that we can be more versatile, we could be more well rounded. So instead of feeling something because that's just what we feel, or that's what we've been trained to feel, it's like, let our emotions tell us what's actually happening in the situation and what we're needing.
And so I do think that our emotional space is one of the best sources of information, that if we shut that down, or if we only pick and choose certain data points, we end up coming up with a very distorted picture of ourselves, of other people, and of life. So I do have the freebie guide, the Emotional Habits of Enneagram types and that is with an extra emphasis on the Enneagram.
But aside from that, I also do my work as feelings translator in exploring each emotion because each emotion has a specific message about what our inherent and legitimate needs are. So whichever route you do exploration in, eventually all truth kind of ends up in the same place anyway. So it's more of, uh, what, what seems more immediately useful for now, and then you'll eventually tap into the other ones.
Melissa Smith: What are some of the tools, resources, routines, some of the things that you personally like to use to stay high vibe?
Next Steps + Resources
Joanne Kim: Yoga has been a fantastic option. As a Four, I've mostly been disconnected from my body my whole life and kind of poo pooed out like anything related to movement, exercise and things like that. So that I could resume my fetal position, navel gazing. But I started doing yoga a year ago and holy crap, it's been so good for me in staying very present and connected with my body and actually finding out what my body is capable of. And so that's been super helpful. I do that twice a week. I would do it more if I had the schedule for it, but, that's been fantastic. And also a very very good practice for focusing on the good that's available to me.
Melissa Smith: Is there a specific type of yoga that you like?
Joanne Kim: Yin yoga. Because I'm very productive and active in my typical week. And so yin yoga is super chill. Half the time it's like laying on the floor doing nothing. It's a very good remedy for me because I live my whole life, believing that I have to make things happen or else that's the stress state. And yin yoga it's like, what else is there for me to do except to just stay here and take in things from outside of myself.
Melissa Smith: Yeah, I think that's helpful too, because sometimes we can be really disconnected from our body kind of helping slow down. All the thoughts and just be present and just out. Yeah. Awesome. Love that recommendation. All right. So how can listeners work with you? Where do you want to send them to follow you and just kind of what you have going on right now?
Joanne Kim: Yeah. If you want to learn more about the Enneagram, you can follow me on Instagram at @olivemecounseling or my website olivemecounseling.com. That's where you can find the Emotional Habits of Each Enneagram Type Guide.
If you want to learn more about emotions, then I have my Instagram @intelligentemotions or intelligentemotions.com. And there you can find another freebie guide called the Big Feelers First Aid Kit. So basically when feelings show up at the wrong place, wrong time, in wrong ways, that's a good guide to pick up just so that you can take care of yourself.
What are the Emotional Habits of your Enneagram type?
This free guide reveals the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!
Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!
Which Ax Are You?
Do you feel dull or focused? If the former, it might be time for you to rest and recharge so that your daily life feels smoother. Read more about how you can sharpen yourself as an ax.
Two Lumberjacks
Have you heard of the story of the two lumberjacks?
There once were two lumberjacks who decided to have a little competition to see who could cut the most wood in a day. They rolled up their sleeves and started hacking away at the trees.
Dude A kept going strong, chopping and chopping, all the way til sunset.
Dude B started strong, but every once in a while walked away, disappearing for 15 minutes at a time after every hour.
Dude A thought, "Bro, your loss!" and kept swinging his ax.
Dude B did this throughout the day, disappearing for a total of 3 hours.
At sunset, they piled their wood blocks to settle the match.
(By this point in your life, y'all you would have heard enough stories to know that Dude B won.)
"What the hell!" stated Dude A. "You must have cheated! How is this possible that you cut more than me? You weren't even around for a fourth of the time!"
"Cheated? No. All we decided on was who would cut down more wood. I used the same ax as you have, bro."
"Then how did this happen?"
"I took a break. The breeze was nice today!"
"???"
"Yeah, it was such a gorgeous day, that I wanted to just chill and take in the view. I let my body rest, stretched, and sharpened my ax." Dude B pulled out a polished stone from his pocket.
Sharpen Your Knife
Moral of the story? Resting is NOT slacking off. It's refusing to work harder than you need to - taking the simpler, easier, more enjoyable route. It's rebelling against society's pressure to believe, "I am what I DO."
Resting is NOT a sign of laziness. It's also not a sign of incompetency or worthlessness. Rather, it's the opposite.
Knowledge says, "If I keep working the whole time without stopping, I'll get more done."
Wisdom says, "If I'm in my peak condition, my element, everything would just FLOW. I'll get more done, even with less work."
Even in your kitchen, if you use a dull knife, you are more likely to:
Exert far more effort than using a sharpened knife
Have sloppier results
Hurt yourself
If you've been frustrated with yourself because you're struggling with procrastination, perfectionism, overwhelm, etc., I get it. My Enneagram self-preservation 4 autopilot prompts me to keep pushing the daily grind until I wear myself out and shut down.
I've learned the hard way that growth, progress, and productivity isn't linear. More time, more money, more effort does NOT always win out.
...not that growth, progress, or productivity is the point.
Like Dude B, you can take a break, catch a breath, and enjoy the scenery. That he was also productive was BONUS, but not the point.
Dude B was a winner, and not because he chopped more wood. He was a winner because he had a great time. He ENJOYED life.
What's the state of your knife or ax?
Are you in a FLOW state, where things feel like you're cutting butter?
Or a FRUSTRATED state, where everything feels so damn difficult and annoying?
If it's been a while since you've taken a breather, now's your chance. It doesn't even have to be long or complicated.
Put the ax down.
Rest your feet.
Stretch your arms.
Take in the view.
Sharpen your ax - let your mind, body, and heart be focused.
Want some ideas to help you hone your senses? Here are some options:
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
3 Ways to Calm Your Nervous System as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Join me and Lauren LaSalle as we talk on her podcast The Highly Sensitive Podcast about three ways to calm your nervous system as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
I was a guest on the Highly Sensitive Podcast with Lauren LaSalle.
I shared about how I learned I was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and gave three tips about how to calm your nervous system as an HSP.
(Scroll down for the transcript.)
My HSP Story
Lauren: What was your experience like discovering that you were highly sensitive?
Joanne: I heard about it a couple years back during my pre-license years in therapy.
I think just the lights went on and everything kind of clicked and made sense in terms of just how readily aggravated I get over sensory experiences, especially in my environment.
I used to label myself as being very asocial and withdrawn and things like that.
I used to live with my in-laws for a good number of years. Being in a household full of vivacious people with all these sounds, I found myself coming home from work, going straight into my bedroom, turning off all the lights, putting my earplugs in, and going into bed.
Or in other times, we would have a big family gathering where they would hangout until past midnight. I would usually be the first to duck out because my eyes were glazing over from all of the activity and energy and I wouldn’t really be listening anymore.
I found out later that my in-laws wondered whether I was okay or thought that I didn’t like them.
Once I learned that I was HSP, how my body felt and what I did all made sense.
I explained to my in-laws that my body needed to decompress from all that happened during the day, and that it wasn’t personal. Because a lot of them were also HSPs, they understood. Now they know how to interpret my reactions.
To smooth things over, nowadays I just tell people, “Hey, I need to go decompress. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” and help my body and brain recharge. It’s a neutral, regular, and routine thing I do these days.
Lauren: Wow. I can't even imagine living with, I mean, even my own parents again, let alone my in-laws. That sounds really tough as an HSP.
Joanne: Fortunately, my in-laws are really great. They're emotionally fluent enough where I can share how I'm feeling and they're okay.
It's more the sensory experiences of just there being a lot of chatter I hear through the walls and pots and pans clanging and things like that.
I think having agency over my own immediate space has been super helpful. Having my own office space was actually a huge plus for my own personal emotional and mental health, because I get to control the space however I want to and add all kinds of very soothing features to it in ways that I wouldn't have been able to at home.
What is Trauma?
Lauren: Not only are you highly sensitive, but you are also a therapist who works with highly sensitive people. What are some examples of how normal events can be traumatic for HSPs and kind of what can cause this to happen?
Joanne: I like thinking about things through the lens of our nervous system in terms of how overwhelmed it gets.
Often when people think about reactivity, they think about the actions people do in response to being stressed. There's less of a focus about how a person gets stressed to begin with.
I would say there is a general window by which we are supposed to be stimulated throughout the day, like the sun rises or the coffee machine works, et cetera. Generally we're supposed to take those stimuli and use them to kind of wake up and engage the day.
It's just that for HSPs that window is a lot smaller where we can get readily flooded all too easily and non HSPs they're like, I don't even notice a difference.
When that overstimulation happens for an extended period of time it really wears away at the body, at the nervous system with cortisol (the stress hormones) constantly coursing through our veins. Cortisol has been shown to actually erode some aspects of our bodily function, it actually impacts some organs.
It's this deadly cycle where we get overstimulated more readily, our bodies are under a lot of strain, we make reactive decisions that often make hard things worse, and then there's more strain and then it just keeps spiraling through.
Generally I define trauma more openly than other therapists might. I don't just consider those big dramatic events, like a car crash or assault or things like that as trauma. I define trauma as any event, big or small, that gives people a very concentrated set of feeling out of control, feeling like they're in danger, or feeling embarrassed.
That last piece would I think give a lot of people more empathy towards themselves.
If a person when they're growing up in their elementary school classroom gets called on by a teacher to answer a question on the board, some kids might be like, oh, this is super exciting I can finally show off what I can do, and they answer the question on the board, that's taken as a very positive experience. But for a lot of people, especially HSPs, who are called on the spot, they weren't expecting it.
Getting called on itself is very stressful on top of getting all this attention from everyone in the classroom, and then they might actually turn beat red. Therefore also losing control over their own bodily experiences and would be super embarrassed. They will be socially isolated, or at least internally, that's how they would interpret it.
That event, which normally will be considered a very normal, day-to-day experience, is a traumatic event. Later down the line, the person might have a lot of anxiety when it comes to giving presentations at work.
These are the actual kinds of situations that I help my therapy clients with in the present day.
Lauren: I love that example because as you were talking about it, I started to feel anxious. Because I was one of those people where if the teacher called on me, even if I knew the answer, it was a total blank. Like, I have no idea what's going on. I feel all hot and like everybody's looking at me and like I just kind of want to disappear. So I can totally relate to that, and I'm sure a lot of people will be able to as well.
Joanne: Being sensitive not just towards being put on the spot, but also other people's energies and emotions, and also sensitivity towards one’s own bodily functions.t's kind of like a triple, quadruple dose of stimulation.
It will definitely lead people to shut down and afterwards having shut down then there's a lot of the shame talk. Like, oh, why couldn't I be like Tommy? Or why did I do this? Like, I'm so dumb, et cetera.
And that's adding several extra layers.
Lauren: I like how you define trauma too, because I think I've done that as well with my clients. I think a lot of people just think, oh, trauma is these big events that happen, but it really can be seemingly smaller events. Just because it doesn't affect one person negatively doesn't mean that it's not going to really, really affect somebody else and have a lasting impact on them. I really like that definition.
Joanne: What I also like about that definition is that we can also flip it upside down to talk about what kinds of experiences help an HSP heal, or general person, but HSPs all the more.
If trauma is any experience, big or small, that leads a person to feel super out of control, super in danger or embarrassed, then healing would be any experience, big or small, that helps a person feel like they're in self-control, that they're super safe and secure and feeling seen, known and validated.
Finding ways to give ourselves more of those experiences on purpose, integrating that into our day-to-day lives is super important, because in the same way that we would be bothered more readily by different things that come up, we could also be readily soothed then for non HSPs.
It goes both ways. That's the nice thing about it.
Responsiveness and Attunement
Lauren: I think that's so interesting that research has found that. It's just a really strange thing. I wouldn't have thought that that would be the case. I guess it's kind of sad in a way, but it's kind of nice also that even though we can be negatively affected by things more than the average person, we can actually be more affected by positive things, too.
Joanne: It eventually kind of breaks even, you know?
It's just that neutral stimulation. Less so having a moral charge of good and bad towards it.
I think for that reason, those who are highly sensitive or are in relationships with HSPs need to be particularly attentive to noticing things in our environment like, five senses.
Like bringing in more greenery, for example.
Even those small things can have their own compound interest, if you will. It just keeps snowballing so that even when a person comes home, if their environment is very soothing, then they can actually recharge a lot more quickly than for someone who's not particularly paying attention and they're still getting aggravated along the way.
I would say that the HSP trait prompts one to need more responsiveness and attunement and more intentionality to their daily experiences.
Lauren: I agree. And I've started to try, I mean, now I have a six month old at home so that's just another added layer on top of everything. As a new mom you hear, you don't have to keep up with the dishes and all of this, it's okay because you're busy, which I totally agree with. But on the flip side, if I don't, it stresses me out. If there's stuff all over the place, I lose my mind. So I know that for my own mental health, I also have to be as much on top of dishes, laundry, and cleaning up clutter as I can be. Otherwise it's going to go rapidly downhill.
Joanne: It's not about being particular or about having high standards or whatnot. The alternative is I'm just going to be irritable all the time.
We give our nervous systems a chance to breathe more easily.
Using Brainspotting to Decompress
Lauren: So what are some other things that we can do to help our nervous systems other than being really intentional about our surroundings?
Joanne: There are two approaches that I use most of the time in therapy. One is the Enneagram Personality framework. The other is called brainspotting, which is a derivative of EMDR, another trauma therapy technique.
Brainspotting is actually what we do naturally, just not on purpose.
If you've ever seen a veteran who is back in civilian life and they're kind of sitting on a bench and they're staring off into space. That's an example of brainspotting.
The person doesn't quite know that they're internally processing, but their lizard brain is definitely trying to metabolize some stressful things. Obviously, for veterans, they've gone through a lot.
HSPs tend to do that, staring off into space a lot more often. It's just that the idea of staring off into space is not socially acceptable. It's as if someone is not engaged or disinterested or whatever.
Often when someone is sitting, staring off into space, the people around them are like, hey, are you okay?
But in actuality, the person's brain is saying, no, I just need to sit and do nothing and decompress.
What I recommend for clients who come in, they find out that they're HSP or they've known for some time, but they're wanting to know how can I de-stress as soon as possible. I would say give yourself permission to sit and zone out for at least five minutes uninterrupted.
The emphasis is on permission.
Often when we have those experiences, when we're checked out, there's a lot of judgment and shame around it. When our body's actually trying to recover, when we bring in that judgment, then that actually sets up a whole bunch of triggers that ends up adding more stress than even before we start zoning out.
If a person can give themselves at least three to five minutes of zone out time throughout the day. Great!
If a person does it five minutes every hour, the five minutes will help decompress whatever happened within that 55 minutes prior, and then again, and again, and again. Really taking advantage of breaks.
Let's say a person's work environment is not conducive to that kind of stuff. Where it's an open office and everyone's talking all the time. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and then just sit there for a couple extra minutes so that you can have uninterrupted time where you can just allow your body to metabolize whatever comes up.
Brainspotting traditionally is using specifically one's eye position and zoning out while looking at that particular spot. It's just that a lot of people might do so accidentally where they're zooming in on a negative experience and then end up ruminating.
My encouragement for people is that instead of focusing on what's bothering them to scan their body. Look for the most neutral or the most pleasant or grounding spot.
Then while they're focusing on that spot notice where their eyes naturally gravitate towards and then stare there… for not too long because this is originally a therapy approach, so it really should be done with a therapist. Especially when processing difficult things. But because our bodies reflexively do it anyway, it will be good for people to try that on purpose.
An idea with brainspotting is where you look affects how you feel. So it's kind of hacking that towards HSPs.
Lauren: That's so cool! I'm guessing doing this might help with falling asleep at night. I know a lot of us, if we have trouble falling asleep, it's because our brain won't shut off. I'm guessing if you give yourself breaks during the day to process things instead of leaving it all to when you're trying to fall asleep, then it will help with the time it takes to fall asleep.
Joanne: Focusing on a very soothed or relaxed part of your body, noticing where your eye naturally drifts to and staring off in that place and just noticing whatever comes up.
We don't have to analyze or anything. It's better that we don't analyze.
Another approach is to focus on what you would like to feel. Thinking of either a time in your life, a memory, or if you don't have a particular memory, make up a scenario.
For some people it might be laying in a hammock with a cocktail in your hand in front of the beach. Focusing on that until you experience the body sensations and then notice where your eye looks and then stare there.
You can use either of those approaches. No fancy equipment necessary. You could actually do this while you're laying in bed in the dark. It's kind of a nice, handy way to do so.
Lauren: I'm gonna try that. I've heard of brainspotting through working, but I've never, gone further than just hearing about what it is. So that's really interesting to learn about that. I'm glad you brought that.
Joanne: We don't have one brain, we have three, and they're very much interconnected.
So if someone, having gone through a bad situation, and they have negative emotions and their body shows it. Facial expressions or the posture or whatnot. The reverse is also true as well.
When people actually simulate a posture that's associated with either positive or relaxed experiences, maybe even power postures, that's something that has been gaining more popularity nowadays, that can also affect how we feel on the inside.
It's just that the highly sensitive person trait often is associated with social experiences of making oneself small or meek or gentle or quiet, caring, et cetera.
I would actually even encourage HSPs to practice living as if they're not HSPs, at least in their bodies. That can actually create a different feedback loop.
Lauren: I like that.
Joanne: I might encourage a non HSPs to actually practice being like HSPs. So it goes both ways
Lauren: I'm so glad you brought all of this to the podcast because I hadn't talked about some of these things before. Your expertise is much appreciated.
Joanne: It's a great space. I'm really thankful that you have this avenue for people to really learn more about themselves and take good care.
Top Two, Bottom Two
Lauren: Thank you. So is there anything that we haven't talked about yet that you wanted to make sure you brought up?
Joanne: In terms of the five senses, one thing I talk about with people is in noticing which of the five senses are your top two? Like you notice it all too readily. They either bother you or they please you very easily.
Then what are your bottom two senses?
For me, I'm super easily affected by sight and touch. My bottom two senses are taste and smell.
It actually has been a very healing journey for me personally. I used to dissociate a lot. In actually tapping into those bottom two senses and trying to reconnect with my physical body.
I happen to do so by making cocktails. That's been a fun experience for me because I'm really focusing in on what usually takes more effort. That's helped me to connect with a present versus drifting away into wherever I tend to go in my mind and my feelings.
Lauren: I like that.
So how can people connect with you?
Joanne: I have my website, olivemecounseling.com. I'm also on Facebook and Instagram. I do also have a side business called Intelligent Emotions and that is an online course where I help people find out how to navigate with their big feelings.
Often if we leave our big feelings as they are, they tend to spiral into a vortex. It's a self paced course where people can find out that emotions are actually very logical and they actually have a system of their own. We're just not ever taught about it. Those two things:
OliveMe Counseling or Intelligent Emotions, that's the name of the course.
Lauren: Thank you so much for being here. I think a lot of people will benefit from what you shared with us.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Designing a Healing Space: How HSPs Can Create a Safe Haven at Home
As a Highly Sensitive Person my external environment impacts my inner world, and vice versa. Read how I started recalibrating my physical spaces both at home and at work.
Hanging on the wall of my best friend’s office is this sign that reads:
Sanctuary:
your safe and peaceful haven.
a comforting place of refuge and rest in a noisy, chaotic world.
Ever since I learned that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I realized just how much my external environment impacts my inner world, and vice versa.
Home for this HSP
Having learned this, I started recalibrating how my physical space is both at home and at work.
Here’s what I did for myself:
I gave myself permission to toss out itchy clothes
I replaced all the lighting in my home with soft, warm light
I bought a TON of plushy blankets and cushions
I got fuzzy slippers and warm layers
I got rid of anything looks visually jarring (busy patterns, annoying colors, clutter)
I often wear earplugs or noise cancelling earphones when unwinding or focusing on a task
Moreover, I chose a home specifically considering what impact it might have on my HSP body. Even if it cost more, I gave more weight to things like natural lighting, tons of greenery, access to water, and lots of quiet.
(Imagine how many therapy sessions I saved myself because my body regularly gets to rest and relax! All in all, a net GAIN.)
Within my home, here is a nook I created for myself, my own sanctuary.
Inside matches Outside
One morning, I bust out my watercolors and joined in the Draw Your Feelings workshop that my friend Rukmini (@rockinruksi) offers. The prompt for that morning was: “Mapping Your Heart”.
This is what came out during that time.
In the past several years, I’ve done a lot of personal work in considering myself as being JUST AS WORTHY as others - no more, no less (think equanimity: “equal life” or “equal soul”).
A lot of this inner work was possible because I also recalibrated my external environment.
Your Safe Haven
I define TRAUMA to be any experience that stirs up strong feelings of being unsafe, ashamed, or out of control.
In turn, I define HEALING to be any experience that provides the opposite - that gives you the sense of being safe, worthy, or in self-control.
When it comes to your physical environment (home and work), what do you notice?
What is its impact on your mind? your emotions? your nervous system?
Not everyone has the opportunity and freedom to do a complete overhaul of their personal space, but there is still a lot of adjustments that might be feasible.
Specifically consider the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch:
How can you reduce, dampen, or eliminate some things that BOTHER you?
How can you bring more of what REJUVENATES you?
Take one small action to help your body soothe a bit more this week.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Set Boundaries over the Holidays
If you're feeling DREAD around seeing some people over the holidays learn some questions to ask yourself to help set boundaries.
"I KNOW I need to set boundaries, but I CAN'T."
This is what I hear often when I'm working with people who learned how to people please, placate, and repress their own feelings/needs to survive their significant relationships. All of these are examples of "FAWN" responses (in addition to FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE) to (even anticipated) scary or risky situations.
Why the resistance to setting boundaries? Here are some reasons:
I don't know how.
I feel guilty/bad. (BTW - "bad" is not a feeling, but you get the idea)
I don't want to because it's too scary.
I don't want to because I don't think I'm worth it.
I don't want to make them mad.
The majority of the people I work with have some strained relationship with family members. Unlike friends, whom you can choose or leave at will, family is what you're born into without any say.
As the holiday season rolls around (and also around family holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day), old wounds are poked, stirring up feelings of anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, shame, irritation, resentment, etc.
Even relatively healthy relationships with family might stir up stress as people navigate spoken or unspoken expectations, travel plans, financial strain, and limited time.
Questions to prepare for the holidays
If you're feeling DREAD around seeing some people over the holidays, consider up front:
How can you keep from overextending yourself?
What are your realistic limits in terms of mental, emotional, physical, or financial energy? How can you build more down time into your schedule?
During the harder times of the year, plan to do 70% of what you usually do so that you have a greater buffer. Operating at the full 100% makes it so that any extra pain starts depleting the resources you need to just get by a “normal” week.
When things are harder, make it EASIER on yourself. DO NOT TRY TO TOUGH IT OUT - YOU’VE ALREADY DEALT WITH PLENTY OF SHIT.
Who are some people who drain energy?
What's the maximum amount of time you can hang around someone without becoming reactive?
PRO TIP: Schedule 1-2 hours with that person and schedule something ELSE at the end of that time period.
Give the person a head's up that you have something afterwards ("I have other things I gotta do while I'm here" or "I have other people I need to also meet up with"), and when time's up, say "I gotta go!"
How can YOU initiate an activity?
You might have some people you’re not super excited to see but feel like you HAVE to (like a nagging relative who keeps saying, “Why don’t we ever see you?”).
They keep reaching out to you, and you feel like you have to either maneuver your way out of that invite (and feel guilty) or endure that experience (and feel trapped, anxious, and ashamed).
PRO TIP: Sometimes, if YOU initiate an activity you feel better or safer about (bowling, watching a sports game, or shopping), then THEY would be in a position to say yes or no. If they say yes, it’s at least on YOUR terms and timeline. If no, oh well! At least you tried.
Who are people you need to steer clear of completely?
Or hang out only in public spaces? Or only when other people are around?
Don’t force yourself to hang out with them. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy, or sanity.
Let them throw a tantrum or get upset. You’re not the asshole for not making their drama your drama.
Who keeps asking inappropriate or uncomfortable questions?
Some people are freakin nosy, digging for deets about whether/who you're dating, whether/when you'll have kids, how much money you're making, etc.
PRO TIP: Pick some neutral/shallow topics you can purposefully redirect the conversation to. Not everyone deserves to have access to you. YOU get to choose - not letting others into your life does NOT make you a bad person.
Who are some safe people who can care for you?
Who can you ask keep you company during those scarier situations?
Who can help you decompress afterwards?
Here’s a blog that describes who’s a safe vs. unsafe person.
PRO TIP: Ask one of them ahead of time to call you with some urgent matter partway through if you need an out of an unpleasant meetup.
If you’re feeling guilty
Obviously, some of these things I'm encouraging you isn’t 100% ethical. Save your ethics and morality for situations where you actually have SAFETY and FREEDOM - not when you're pressured, bullied, or guilt-tripped.
When you're dealing with unhealthy, manipulative people, you do NOT need to expose yourself to being exploited or hurt again. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE.
If you’re playing a game where the other parties keep cheating or changing the rules, there’s no fair play. No need to follow the rules; you may stop playing the game altogether.
To butcher a Henry Cloud quote: If you set boundaries and the other person gets mad, it's NOT a sign that you're doing something WRONG. In fact, it's CONFIRMATION that boundaries were necessary in the first place, because this person has been benefitting at your expense this whole time.
MAD: The Emotion of Boundaries
ANGER is a good self-protecting and self-honoring emotion right about now. Not all anger is bad, and not all love is good. The healthy versions of both create relationships where there's enough room for BOTH parties, not just one at the other's expense.
If you're wanting to know more about the HOW-TOs of boundary setting and assertiveness, check out the following:
A blog I wrote about Radical Candor (from Kim Scott's book).
An interview I had about toxic relationships
A blog about safe people (from Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book)
These Instagram posts about anger (bio page > “MAD” highlights)
I’m really rooting for you. Hang in there.
After this season is over, I encourage you to use the non-holiday months next year to build towards a year-end time that suits and honors you. Perhaps it might be time for you to find yourself a therapist.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Counterdependence: Why It's Hard to Ask for Help (and How to Heal)
Do you have a hard time asking for help? Hyper-independence actually creates more problems than it solves. Learn what counterdependence is, and how to grow beyond it.
Sooooo…I hit a deer. Actually, the deer hit me when he and his buddies just ran out from the trees onto the single lane I was driving.
(I’m fine, the deer’s fine, but my bumper is not.)
I put it in the shop to learn that, no, it’s not a single day job, and I gotta either be carless or take a rental.
Do I pay for a rental to just to commute to work, do I share my partner’s car, or do I ask for rides?
Here’s the (main) problem - I HATE asking for help.
…and so do a lot of the people I work with.
The reasons are plentiful:
“I don’t want to burden anyone.”
“I don’t want to rely on anyone.”
“I want to do it all.”
“I don’t need anybody.”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“I haven’t done anything to earn it.”
“What are they going to ask me in return?“
“I don’t know what I need.”
Obsessed with DIY
I live in a country that values independence to the point of even having a holiday for it. Rugged individualism, bootstrapping mentality, and strength without vulnerability are the treasured values here in the United States, and especially in the Silicon Valley.
Those who can’t do things for themselves are seen as weak, lesser, and immature. It’s as if it’s a crime to even have needs, let alone share them with others.
This is NOT being independent, but really counterdependent - being averse to needing anyone else.
Independence and dependence are neutral; they are neither inherently good or bad, but both are essential aspects of being human. There are some things we ought to do for ourselves, some things we ought to do for each other, and some things where it doesn’t really matter who does it, as long as it’s done.
(BTW, when someone overly does something for another that the latter ought to do for themselves, that’s codependent.)
Every human being is worthy of living in a smooth rhythm between dependence and independence. No one is better or worse than another. We are all equally capable of doing things for ourselves and others, and we are all worthy of being carried by others.
We all need and deserve to be interdependent.
How do I know whether I’m counterdependent?
Here are some questions to consider:
When was the last time you had someone else help you? (Was that deliberate or begrudgingly?)
Did that happen because you asked for it? (Did you have any other options otherwise?)
Would you have wanted to do it yourself? Why?
Do you have strong emotions (like guilt, anxiety, shame, or frustration) when someone else helps you? Do you feel lesser of a person or lesser than them? (What’s that about?)
Are your relationships balanced or lopsided? How often do you feel resentment towards others, or feel anxious on their behalf?
When you’re not managing or planning things, how tense do you get? How difficult is it for you to be present or enjoy things when someone else is in charge?
If you feel stressed even at the IDEA of relying on someone else, chances are you have a counterdependent stance.
Double-standards?
Who do you judge more harshly: yourself or others? Do you use the same or different standards? If not, why?
Judging others is already considered a no-no, but judging ourselves is sometimes considered a sign of maturity. Ironically, treating ourselves worse than we do others is also a manifestation of pride.
If I have higher standards on myself (as if I ought to be stronger, less weak, less “needy”), then I live as if I am/should be superhuman (only to judge myself as a subhuman when I can’t follow through).
(Read more about pride and shame.)
Any way we treat ourselves as NON-EQUAL with others leads to comparison, judgment, pride, and shame - all of these feed into reactivity, stress, and internal/external turmoil.
Equanimity (“equal” + “mind”/“life”), or having evenness of emotions or mental balance, is what we’re going for. The way to do that is to live in equality with others - no one is greater, no one is lesser.
How do I move towards interdependence?
Acknowledge the ways you REFUSE to be on an equal level with others.
If you put yourself in one-down positions (making yourself more helpless/vulnerable than others), step up. If you put yourself in one-up positions (making yourself better/stronger than others) step down.
If you resonate with being counterdependent (allergic to being helped), practice asking for (and really taking in) help.
Give room to the emotions that bubble up - don’t shove them back inside. Let them come, and move your body to release the energy out. (Better out than in!)
Learn new muscle memory as a fellow human being who is also worthy and who also has legitimate needs.
Those who’ve learned to be counterdependent grew up too quickly being a “grownup” for the majority of your life, skipping ever really being a kid.
If you find this to be super challenging, no judgment! There’s a good reason why your body is used to this. (This might be a great time to explore this in therapy and/or learn about your Enneagram type!)
Practice being innocent, tender, playful, and joyful like a child, despite the internal judgments of you being “selfish” or “childish” (chances are, you absorbed BS messages that belong to other people and aren’t yours to carry).
Practice being light, easy, and carefree. Allow yourself to be emotionally, physically, practically, and/or financially “carried” by those around you who (more often than you think) are wanting to care for you well.
(BTW - if you don’t explicitly tell others what you need, you’re leaving it up to THEM to fill in the blanks according to what makes the most sense to them. Most likely, they’ll be wrong, but that’s not particularly their fault. Don’t set them up to read your mind, because you’re setting up a LOSE-LOSE situation.)
Connect with your humanity and your equality with others. Live a life where YOU MATTER, TOO.
How can you ask for help this week?
(I asked for the two weeks my car was in the shop, and my relationships are the richer for it.)
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
3 Lessons Plants Taught Me
Here are 3 tips for how to take good care of yourself. (Hint: It’s not too different from what you already do or feel towards plants!)
I speak as if I’m a natural green thumb. I’m not. I’m genuinely surprised that my plants are still alive. I believe they lived this long DESPITE me, not BECAUSE of me.
At first, I got plants for my office as a way of bringing in more greenery into my space. (As a Highly Sensitive Person, I am easily impacted by my physical environment.)
Never did I imagine that tending to plants would a fantastic way of taming my autopilot tendencies to:
Be perfectionistic
Be anxious about what’s not going well or might go wrong
Overwork
Have difficulty sitting still
Live disconnected from the present
Seek intensity and novelty
Here are three things plants taught me about how to do my life differently.
Imperfect, but nonetheless worthy
No two plants are the same. No two leaves are the same. More often than not, you see asymmetry and imperfections of color, size, and shape.
Go outside and look at the trees, bushes, and flowers - if you’re looking for it, you will find blemishes, broken branches, and ways it could be “better”.
…So what? Plants are still beautiful and valuable as they are, and rarely do we think about how they’re so even though they’re imperfect.
You probably didn’t even notice those plants’ disfigurations all that much until you were prompted to look for them. You go about your day having enjoyed them, as if it’s not a problem, because it really isn’t.
Why do we place so much emphasis on ourselves and others as if perfection is what makes us worthy and acceptable?
See yourself as a plant. It is what it is, and it’s already beautiful.
Here’s a mantra for you:
I am how I am, and I am already good.
Are your needs met?
I get the main point of the idiom, “Bloom where you’re planted.” You’re to take advantage of the opportunities that your present circumstances provide and learn to be grateful.
That’s definitely an important skill to have in life, but as with all adages, there are limitations.
If you have an autopilot that makes things seem worse than they actually are, and if being critical and unhappy is your baseline, do practice blooming where you’re planted.
But useful also is the skill of attuning to yourself and knowing what works best for YOU. What works for one plant doesn’t work for another unless they have similar needs.
Some plants need direct lighting; others would shrivel if they’re in the same conditions. Some plants need frequent watering; others are susceptible to growing root rot (RIP my olive tree).
We are all individual and unique. Sure, we have some universal needs like food and sleep we share in common, but even in those things we have differences is how much or in what way.
Know your own distinct needs and take steps to meet them, rather than judging yourself for not “growing” or “performing” in the way someone else is. Both of you are neither inherently better or worse; y’all are who you are, you’re both worthy, and each of you have specific needs to flourish well.
Know thyself. Know thy needs.
Do an audit of what are your specific needs in these arenas:
Physical
Emotional
Relational
Environmental
Intellectual
Professional
Spiritual
Financial
What steps will you take this week to get these needs met?
Blame the bug, not the plant
Sometimes a plant languishes or is stunted in its growth because of pests that extract its valuable nutrients. When that happens, we are ready to see the pest (not the plant) as a problem, remove the parasites, and give the plant some good TLC so it can recover.
The same ought to be done about ourselves in some of our relationships, because there ARE people in our lives who operate like parasites.
In my therapy practice, I often work with people who are in one-sided relationships with parents, partners, friends, or coworkers who seek a “host” to exploit, meeting their own needs at the expense of my clients’. We explore the topics of emotional abuse, manipulation, power dynamics, resentment, dependency, and codependency.
Sometimes this exploitation is deliberate - the “parasite” consciously takes advantage of the other person or is vindictive, cruel, or petty with utter disregard for the recipients’ wellbeing. As Henry Cloud describes in his book, “Necessary Endings,” these are the “Evil Persons” who we must limit their access to us ASAP.
Then there are those who are accidentally exploitative as a byproduct of some other pattern. For example, when a person doesn’t take responsibility for meeting their own needs or see themselves as helpless, they create a power vacuum for someone else to step in for them.
(Imagine the kind of relationship between one housemate who doesn’t clean up after themselves and another who just can’t stand the mess. Or the imbalanced relationship between someone who cries at the thought of figuring out the internet and a family member whose heart string is pulled and calls the internet company for them.)
Are you a “host”?
The party who steps in often has a soft spot for others who are struggling, even if the pain is of their own making. Those who have a higher likelihood of being a “host” include:
Those who are conscientious, responsible, empathic types
Empaths, Highly Sensitive Persons
Enneagram 1s, 2s, 4s, 9s, and some other subtypes (all for different reasons)
Oldest siblings (especially women)
Children of immigrants
Those who are in caregiving roles or professions (teachers, therapists, nurses, etc.)
Those who live as if they’re hosts often:
Have a hard time knowing what they want and need (and ignore them)
Find it difficult to say “no”
Is scared of conflict or asking for help
Overly focus on what other people are needing
Feel guilty about taking care of themselves
Eventually, because the “hosts” have their own valid yet unmet needs, usually these imbalanced relationships leave them feeling fatigued, depleted, and resentful.
(In this case, resentment is very GOOD, as it signals the need for boundaries, reciprocity, and care.)
We ought not to judge the depleted host for being tired, but rather remove the exploitative agents. If you’re having a difficult time flourishing where you are, consider whether it might be because someone else is sapping your energy, time, resources, and money.
Remove the parasites ASAP (don’t let them grow), clear your environment of toxicity, and nourish yourself with what you specifically need.
(BTW - just to be clear, this is NOT about judging others for being LESS THAN, but rather holding them accountable for their own needs and actions. You providing them nourishment that they need to give to themselves is NOT helping them, but is ENABLING them in being dependent upon hosts. Win-lose relationships are LOSE-LOSE.)
I highly recommend you grab a copy of Henry Cloud’s book, Necessary Endings, so you know how to tend to yourself well by pruning away things that sap your strength and eliminating harmful influences.
How will you set boundaries with others this week?
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Two Quick Tips to Be Assertive
Empathetic people struggle to put their needs before others, but practicing assertiveness is a necessary part of every relationship. Read these quick tips on how to be assertive and create BALANCED relationships.
The Value of Assertiveness in Relationships
Many of the people I work with (myself included) have trouble being assertive in relationships. We tend to focus our connections on empathy and meeting the needs of others, but that focus on the other OVER the self can really impact the relationship and yourself. Such a dynamic is what Kim Scott calls “Ruinous Empathy,” a dynamic that takes empathy so far that the relationship no longer has room for the self. Such relationships cultivate resentment and lead to easy burnout. (You can read more about Ruinous Empathy in my blog post on Radical Candor.) Practicing assertiveness is a tool for building BALANCED relationships where both YOU and OTHERS matter.
Tip #1: Use the Sentence: I am open to “____”; I am not open to “____.”
One way to be assertive is to use the sentence, "I am open to 'blank;' I am not open to 'blank.'" Sometimes when someone else makes a request or a demand of us, we might find ourselves feeling stuck between the options of:
Saying YES, going along with their demand or request, OR
Saying NO, where we're in the position of rejecting.
So, the template, "I am open to blank, I'm not open to blank," provides an alternative option. An example is if someone asks, "Hey, can we go to San Francisco and do X Y Z things." I might not be up to that because I tend to have low energy, so I may say, "Hey, I'm open to grabbing coffee for a couple of hours with you; I'm not open to spending the whole day in SF." That might be enough.
Instead of you being in a position of going with the other person's request exactly as it is or denying their request completely, you pitch a THIRD OPTION. Now there's room for negotiation here and that's totally okay. The idea is that you're not stuck in an all-or-nothing arrangement.
The converse can happen as well when you're making a request to someone else, and they're in a position of saying yes or no. If they say no, you can follow up with, "Well, what are you available to do?" You give them an opportunity to speak for themselves. That way, you don't just have two options. It opens up that conversation.
Tip #2: Don’t Over-Explain
The second way of being assertive is to NOT over-explain yourself. Now if you're like me and a lot of people that I work with, we tend to feel bad about putting forth our needs. We feel guilty or we're scared that the other person may say no or get mad, and when we finally muster up the courage to make a request, we provide this lengthy explanation as to why that request needs to happen or why it's a good idea.
It's totally understandable why people might feel the need to over-explain. The downside is the more you explain yourself, the more you actually dilute down the effect of your request. You water it down. So sometimes when you over-explain, the listener may have a harder time keeping track of what your initial request is. An example might be instead of saying "I'm not available on Friday,” you say something like "I'm not available on Friday because I need to go to the grocery store, because I need to gather all this food to prepare because my in-laws are coming tomorrow and they have high expectations.” The other person is like, well, that's way more much information than I needed.
The over-explanation might not be necessary and sometimes it's just generally good practice, especially if you have a hard time with boundaries, to hold back on sharing more than is actually concretely necessary for the question at hand. The main question is, "Are you available on Friday or not?" So instead of over-explaining yourself, stick to the point. Stick to the action item saying, "I am available on Friday," or "I'm not available on Friday," and notice how often you do over-explain and see what tends to happen in those conversations. More likely, the other person you're talking to may feel or sense that you are more defensive or you are more insecure because in effect you're kind of backtracking.
So, state the request very clearly or state the boundary very clearly. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, for any of your decisions. If you happen to be interacting with someone who tends to push boundaries, like they say, "Well, why?" Well, that might actually be a reflection of them being a less safe person than you thought they were, and that might be a signal for you to start dialing back for that very reason. If you're interacting with someone who demands to know the very reasons or justifications for your actions, that's kind of a sign that they don't really respect you all that much. So, to develop respect, instead of giving more of yourself, you give them less access to you; that's generally a good practice.
Being Assertive in Your Connections
So in summary, there are two quick ways of being assertive.
One is for you to say the sentence, "I am open to blank; I am not open to blank."
The second one is to watch when you over-explain yourself and practice dialing back.
You don't have to do a full 180; just practice dialing back 5% and then see what happens. Sometimes people might be okay with a simple yes or no. We don't know. So go test out these assertiveness tips and see how they might improve your relationships.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Concentric Circles of Connection
Use the Concentric Circles of Connection chart to plot how your current relationships are and make adjustments so that the closeness and distinction is just right.
Shifting Relationships
Every time we go through any major life event (positive or negative), it's good to check in with the nature of our current connections.
Such shifting points include:
Getting a new job
Starting or ending a relationship
Upgrading to the “next level” of relationships
Moving to another city, state, country
The pandemic
Losing (or gaining) a job
Sometimes we find out through life experience that our connections maybe aren't as sustainable as we might think of them to be. With some people, we may not actually be as close to as we would like.
Instead of constantly putting yourself out there and then feeling disappointed, or hurt, or realizing that your relationships are super imbalanced, it's good to do a check-in every now and then.
Ask yourself, "Is my connection with someone able to sustain the level of intimacy as I would like?"
The Concentric Circles of Connection
There are many different kinds of friendships. It's not a matter of “Yes, I have friends” or “No, I don’t have friends,” but “What kind of friends do I have?”
Imagine that there are several levels or tiers of friendships.
(The number of levels may change over time, but here’s one way of distinguishing them.)
+: Positive experiences
—: Negative experiences
Tier 1: BFFs (+++———)
At the innermost circle are those who are our Ride-or-Die people. These are the people who know ourselves the best, those with whom we can share our deepest darkest secrets with and they will show up.
The relationship is consistent day after day. They're going to be there for you, no matter what. They’ve explicitly made that commitment clear.
You've cultivated a lot of connection and trust and rapport, and they're also able to sustain the difficult emotions. So, it doesn't mean that you have an equal amount of positive and negative interactions with each other, but this is the depth of experiences that you share with them.
When the best and worst things happen, these are the people you call first.
Tier 2: Close Friends (++——)
These folks have demonstrated that they're trustworthy. They share in your personal hardships and also celebrate your wins. You can have great dinners and heart-to-heart talks.
You're still close to them and deeply enjoy their company, but they're not the first people you would call if something happens. (You’ll eventually catch them up when you do meet.)
Tier 3: Fun Friends (++—)
These are people with whom you have mutual interests and have fun. You might like going to concerts, play board games, or do wine tastings, but when something hard goes on in your life, they're nowhere to be found.
That doesn't mean that they're necessarily a bad friend, but they're just not in your inner circles. That’s okay.
It's important when we come across these kinds of connections that we release them from any expectations for us to rely on them, so that THEY don't feel trapped about what we're going through, and WE don't rely on people who are not readily available for us.
But we can still have a good time! Relationships don’t have to be all-or-nothing, eggs-in-one-basket, intensity-or-bust (Take heed, Enneagram Fours! Not all experiences we have in life are super serious and it's good to learn how to lighten up and to enjoy things.).
It’s good to have a wide range of relationships, even ones where surface-level convos are the norm and where activities serve as the core.
Tier 4: Neighbors (+—)
These people can be co-workers or literal neighbors—people you see pretty often. You know each other's names, how many kids or pets y’all have, generally what might be going on in each others’ lives, but you're not necessarily going to call them up to hang out all the time.
You might share, "Someone hit my car bumper last night, and I'm kind of feeling frustrated," or "Yeah, like my kid is about to do a major performance and super excited about it."
Sometimes, to avoid repercussions in your daily life, you may opt NOT to share things.
You might connect every once in a while, but mostly you see each other in passing, say hello, be polite, be gentle. Other than that, they're not necessarily involved in your lives.
Tier 5: Acquaintances (~)
These are people who are neutral and you don’t share much with at all, good or bad. You know of each other, from a distance. If you don’t hit it off, oh well. It’s not (necessarily) a problem.
Tier 6: Blacklisters (——)
These are people who have demonstrated over and over again that they are NOT trustworthy, and they hurt more than help. They often take way too taking up way too much space in the relationship. It’s all about them, and there’s little room for your own feelings or your experiences.
When you try to speak up for what you need, you get shot down or you get dismissed, minimized, gaslit, etc. As these people are toxic, it's generally good to have strong walls up and give them minimal information.
Sometimes these people are those who used to be your closest friends, and sometimes they're family members. It's really really hard and painful in those situations, but the cost for not putting up those boundaries is that you get more and more diminished.
Emotions like resentment, guilt, shame, anxiety are all evidence that someone who belongs in the outer tiers are too close to you. Sometimes they barge in, sometimes you give them an inch and they take a mile.
They may still be valuable as human beings, so they deserve a base level of human dignity (don't be mean to them), but don't give out your personal information (including what’s going on in your life) because they might use it against you.
These are people you interact with where afterwards you feel bad about yourself or your life. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE; GTFO.
Is everyone in their rightful tiers?
To maintain health and longevity, do an audit of your current relationships. List 10 people you often see these days, and indicate what your general interaction is like with + and —.
Tier 1 (BFFs): +++——— (can handle both strong positive and strong negative experiences):
Tier 2 (Close Friends): ++—— (similar as BFF, but not first pick)
Tier 3 (Fun Friends): ++— (mostly pleasant, but not as deep)
Tier 4 (Neighbors): +— (neutral, frequent but surface level)
Tier 5 (Acquaintances): ~ (neutral, little sharing)
Tier 6 (Blacklist): ——— (consistently negative)
Plot these individuals onto the Concentric Circles chart (download here). What do you notice?
Some questions to think of:
Are there people who have more access to you than they deserve?
If you keep experiencing more pain than good with someone (and they refuse to change), it might be time for you to bump them into outer tiers.
This does not make them lesser of a person, but just relocates them to where the relationship can actually handle the level of intimacy. When people stay closer than they’re supposed to, that increases the risk that the relationship will implode or explode, resulting in that person being sent to the Blacklist.
Find the right amount of intimacy that is sustainable.Are there some people who have demonstrated trustworthiness that you can give more access to?
Sometimes, those you never expected to be close to may become some of your closest people. Be open to trying out new levels of intimacy until you hit a limit - that might be the new equilibrium point for the next season of your life.
Changing Needs, Shifting Tiers
You may find that there are some people who kind of move back and forth between different tiers—that's totally okay!
Be open to having relationships of varying mobility. Remember, it’s not all-or-nothing.
As we change and grow in life, our needs and wants change. We need to shift our connections to match the new level of personal growth.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Have Great Conversations
Find out which question words (who, what, where, when, why, & how) make for great connections in conversations.
Much like rallying in tennis, great relationships are built on back-and-forth conversations. One person can’t do all the work, and both parties must be engaged and take responsibility in continuing the connection.
However, different ways of “serving” or “hitting” the conversational ball make a huge impact on whether your partner can return the volley, which influences how well you can do the same, etc.
These “serves” show up in what’s known as the Journalistic Six Questions, AKA the six “WH” questions:
WHO
WHAT
WHEN
WHERE
WHY
HOW
These journalistic questions are designed to gain more information about the other person. However,
🔴 ONE is a bomb that blows up the convo with collateral damage,
🟡 THREE/FOUR are duds that lead to dead ends, and
🟢 TWO are gems that lead to greater intimacy.
So, which one is which?
WHO, WHEN, WHERE: These Lead Nowhere
The three questions, WHO, WHEN, and WHERE are what’s called CLOSED questions: once the other party answers the question, the conversation’s done and you’re basically stuck with needing to ask another question if you want it to continue.
Some examples?
WHO - Who did you have lunch with the other day?
WHEN - When was your doctor’s appointment?
WHERE - Where are you from?
Sometimes WHAT joins into the mix:
WHAT - What’s your major?* What do you do?*
*This the most commonly asked question in college and post-grad and is the MOST BORING QUESTION EVER.
These questions are useful every once in a while, but try not to rely on these as the conversation becomes very dry and your convo partner doesn’t know what to do next (except maybe to ask YOU these same questions).
*Cue awkward silence*
WHY: AVOID the NUKE
One of the most commonly asked questions is also one of the deadliest. WHY is intended to ask about the other person’s intentions or reasons, but often the convo explodes and goes a completely different direction, leaving a trail of dead bodies in its wake.
WHY is this? It’s NOT because the contents of the question itself are bad. Rather, it’s because often the underlying tone (whether the asker actually meant it or not) leads the listener to feel like they’re feeling interrogated.
Let’s say that someone asks you these questions:
Why did you go to the store?
Why did you call me?
Why did you choose your major?
Why do you like chocolate chip cookies?
Even innocent-ish questions can feel sharp when you’re on the receiving end. Generally, we don’t always react to the literal CONTENT of the conversation (i.e., the words spoken - WHAT was said) because our brains process nonverbal cues (e.g., tone, body language, facial expressions - HOW it was said) MUCH more quickly.
(This is because the THINKING brain - which focuses on content - is MUCH SLOWER than the FEELING brain - which focuses on relationships).
So if you’re using WHY questions, don’t be surprised if the other person gets defensive! They may feel like they’re being put on trial, i.e., that they need to explain or defend themselves.
It’s as if the answerer needs to provide a “legitimate” response or justification, which can be really painful for those who already struggle with low self-esteem. (And who gets to determine what’s legitimate?)
Defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that signals the end times of a relationship. If someone is often defensive, they can put a strain on the connection.
However, if you ask questions in a way that seems to frequently elicit defensive reactions in others, perhaps it’s the questioner (rather than the questioned) who needs to change.
WHYs are TERRIBLE questions for cultivating relationships, which ought to be built on safety, trust, and closeness. When WHY is asked, the asker (accidentally) takes a one-UP position (the interrogator) and the listener (accidentally) takes a one-DOWN position.
Rapport is hard to build when there’s an inherent power dynamic - one person being ABOVE/UNDER the other - because it’s as if there’s one winner and one loser. Competition or comparison is NOT a great setup for intimacy.
HOW & WHAT ABOUT:
The Magical Questions
You may have genuine curiosity about your conversation partner’s WHY. The reasons or values that go into making decisions are truly personal - getting to know them about each other is what creates intimacy!
However, precisely because these things are personal (and thus more vulnerable), it’s important to INVITE your partner to voluntarily share about themselves, not try to FORCE them to open up. In order to foster connections, it is important to try and BE trustworthy rather than try to DEMAND trust.
Signal to the other person that they ARE good, respectable, worthy and that their interests, opinions or thoughts DO matter. Instead of interviewing or interrogating them, it’s good to ask questions to understand them on their own terms/timing.
The thing with the two questions HOW and WHAT ABOUT is that you have no clue what the person’s answer might be. Instead of making YOURSELF the expert of their experience and judging what’s good/bad, you are making THEM the expert with you as the student.
By going into a one-DOWN position, you are voluntarily relinquishing authority to the other person by indirectly saying that their answer DOES matter, that it DOES have weight, and that you will SUBMIT yourself into receiving their answer as it is (not what it “should” be).
Fortunately, WHY questions could easily be converted into HOW and WHAT ABOUT. These two also keep questions OPEN (rather than closed), so they keep the convo going in a much more interesting way.
An Example:
Let’s go with the BORINGEST question: “What’s your major?“
If you were to just stick to that question, the convo would end (boringly).
If you were to follow that up with WHY (“WHY did you choose your major?”), the convo *might* lead the person to feel more nervous or even turn sideways.
Alternatively, if you were to follow this up with:
HOW (“How did you come to decide your major?”) or
WHAT ABOUT (“What about your major do you enjoy?),
the listener would feel like you’re interested and respectful and would probably open up more about themselves. Feeling seen, known, and understood, the listener would likely move TOWARDS you (vs. AWAY FROM or AGAINST).
Here’s the template on how to use these two questions:
HOW did you ______?
WHAT ABOUT (topic) do you (emotion)?
Any typical closed question could be followed up with either of these to spice it up but without the flammability.
“What about key lime pie do you enjoy?” is literally asking the same thing as “Why do you like key lime pie?”, but because the listener’s brain is hearing a softer, welcoming tone, they are likely to remain calm, connected, and open.
Keep the Rally Going
In summary, here are the six journalistic questions:
🔴 The Nuke Question: WHY
🟡 The Closed Questions: WHO, WHEN, WHERE, (WHAT)
🟢 The Inviting Questions: HOW & WHAT ABOUT
The way to cultivate intimate relationships is through respect, safety, and invitation. Experiment with these six questions to see which helps you move TOWARDS, AWAY FROM, or AGAINST each other.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Juggling Too Many Balls? Which to Keep and Which to Drop
Juggling many tasks and responsibilities is HARD. Prioritize tasks before making irreparable mistakes by identifying which of these juggled “balls” are made of rubber, glass, or wood.
Two Hands, but Too Many Responsibilities
As a solopreneur private practice therapist, running my own business while redesigning my website, branding, and attending to other to-dos can be overwhelming. Having so much to juggle, I find myself confused about priorities and which tasks need my attention first.
LOTS of my clients have the same problem—so much to juggle! From working moms, single parents, full-time workers, ministry leaders, and more, attending to all of these responsibilities is HARD, especially for people who serve as the main pillars of their home and supporting the whole family. It can be so so easy to forget yourself in the midst of all the hurry.
Many of my clients are particularly susceptible to neglecting themselves when the responsibilities pile on. As mostly Enneagram Types 1, 2, 4, and 9, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), and caretakers, my clients have a tendency of attending to the needs of OTHERS before their own, until they hit burnout or build a lot of resentment.
Sound like you?
This brief mind exercise can help you assess all you have to juggle and quickly determine which items will break or bounce and which ones to drop altogether — giving you the tool to prioritize what matters most and tend to your own needs.
Juggling in a Crisis
In times of crisis, juggling responsibilities can be even harder. If you’ve been having a harder time managing everything during COVID-19, you are NOT alone. During the pandemic, we’ve encountered numerous changes to our daily lives, adding more balls for us to juggle. And the pandemic is NOT the only crisis.
A crisis can be any drastic change to stress levels, such as a death in the family, a new baby, loss of a job, putting more on your plate. When we encounter a crisis, we MUST switch gears on how we operate. We can’t keep running at the same speed while taking on more tasks and making more adjustments.
If you try to juggle all the balls, you WILL drop some (or most). Decide which ones you could afford to drop before the juggling decides FOR you.
Rubber, Glass, or Wood?
Imagine that you are a juggler handling lots of balls, where each ball reflects a particular task or responsibility. More and more balls get added to the act when you encounter a crisis. Some things that get added don’t matter as much, but since there is so much movement in the mix, you don’t notice exactly which ones hold less importance.
Discerning whether a ball is made of RUBBER, GLASS, or WOOD is key.
RUBBER BALLS
These are tasks or aspects that DO matter, but they have some resilience/sturdiness or are able to be outsourced. Even if you drop these, they’ll bounce back and be fine.
Example #1: your kids’ grades during the pandemic.
In normal times, you might help your kids with homework, sign them up for extra-curricular activities, etc., but during a crisis, academics may be less urgent. Their grades are STILL important, but there are ways to attend to them LATER; they can afford to wait.
When the dust settles with the pandemic, you can catch up on these needs through tutoring or remedial work.
Example #2: FINANCES
So many people I’ve worked with have built an emergency fund only to NOT use it, because they’re so used to minimizing their own struggles and downplaying their own needs.
Emergency funds are useless if you’re dead. If you feel like you’re DROWNING, perhaps NOW is precisely the time to tap into that! When you feel like you can BREATHE again, then replenish that rainy day fund.
Example #3: WORK
I work in the Silicon Valley with tons of people who put their careers center stage. I’ve seen people make huge sacrifices for their career goals and become miserable.
Work may SEEM like work is absolutely essential, but what good is making a lot of money if you can’t ever use it? WHY are you working? What are you working FOR?
Do check to see whether you’re pushing yourself so hard because you feel like there’s no other option. Panic brain is a TERRIBLE consultant in isolation (think “Fear” from Inside Out). Your industry or professional field may also have vested interests in telling you, “You better _____, OR ELSE.”
When your body shuts down from slaving away for 60+ hours a week and you’re lying on a hospital bed, don’t be surprised if your coworkers and boss (who are slaves themselves) don’t show up. Show up for the people in your life who will ALSO show up for YOU.
GLASS BALLS
Glass balls are tasks that really matter and will NOT bounce back if dropped; they are not resilient and sturdy, and they are irreplaceable. They might get scuffed up or scratched, sometimes cracking, other times shattering altogether.
It is extremely difficult (and costly) if not impossible to repair damaged glass balls. Best to never drop them at all.
Example #1: Your Health
You have ONE body, ONE brain, and ONE heart. Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. When any of these give out, you’re DONE.
Don’t think you’re saving money by not paying the copay for physical check-ups. You might miss the chance to do something about a condition that’s totally treatable early on, but that might become severe or terminal when left unaddressed.
(The same applies to your mental/emotional health, btw. The consequences of burnout, depression, or anxiety is MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE than therapy, y’all.)
Example #2: Your RELATIONSHIPS
No one ever PLANS on getting divorced when they get married. It HAPPENS because many signs were ignored. Statistically speaking, most couples reach out for couples therapy SEVEN YEARS TOO LATE. By the time they sit down on the therapist’s couch, their relationship is so far gone that it’ll take a miracle for them to work through all the pain, strain, and blame.
Don’t assume your loved ones will continue to give you a break when you cancel on them. Don’t make it so that NO ONE shows up while you’re lying on a hospital bed except to maybe ask you for the Netflix password.
WOOD BALLS
Rubber balls are important, but NOT urgent. Glass balls are BOTH important AND urgent. Wood balls are neither important NOR urgent. They’re just CLUTTER - things that got thrown into your juggle cycle because you couldn’t pay attention to what it was and didn’t screen for it.
Examples?
Helping a friend gather signatures for a petition that doesn’t matter to you but you didn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying no.
The third book club that you signed up for because you had FOMO.
Responding to every single email to get the satisfaction of hitting email zero.
Spending hours on Amazon because it’s Prime Day.
What do you do with wood balls? If you feel overwhelmed and frenetic, this is not the time to also juggle wood balls. DROP THEM. NOW.
When you feel rested and are able to move at a leisurely pace - that’s the time for you to (consider) playing with wood balls again.
DISTINGUISH THE THREE!
Take some time to discern what you’re juggling. Here’s a past blog to help prioritize tasks and some reflection questions.
HOW MANY balls are you juggling right now? Write a list of all the things that you’re carrying.
How many balls are RUBBER? (Which are resilient - can afford to take a hit and can bounce back)? (color: pink)
How many balls are GLASS? (Which could be permanently impacted if dropped or are difficult to repair?) (color: blue)
How many balls are WOOD? (Which don’t make a difference if you forget them?) (color: brown)
What are some glass balls that fell to the floor and need to be repaired?
Which rubber or wood balls SEEM like glass? Which can you drop NOW?
If you find that most/all of them seem like glass balls, decide which 3 things are absolutely essential - these are your glass balls. Treat the rest as if they’re rubber. If you carry too many grocery bags at once, you WILL drop them. So PICK which two bags to carry FIRST.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Reverse Bucket List: Recording Wins to Build Momentum
You’ve heard of the Bucket List. How often do you look at such a list and think, “I’ll never get there”? Well, we can actually BUILD motivation and momentum by going the opposite direction with the REVERSE Bucket List!
Only Noticing the Disappointments?
As we stray further and further from the start of the year, we might find ourselves reflecting on the goals we set—a new job, stronger relationships—you name it. If you’ve kept up with that—congrats! But the majority of us fizzle out quickly, losing energy with every new complication life throws at us.
When we lose energy with our goals, it can be easy to fall into routine thoughts. “I’ll never change” or “I don’t even know why I try.”
Sound familiar? That cycle of shame feeds off of this feeling of being “stuck,” unable to make changes and reach our goals. Some ways we’ve talked about healing this thought process is to view your “cycle” as an upward-moving spiral or to set new intentions rather than goals. Today’s post will work a little like this. It’s all about recognizing changes you’ve already made with a Reverse Bucket List.
What’s on Your Reverse Bucket List?
You probably know the bucket list—it’s that list of things you want to do before you “kick the bucket.” We’re all familiar with it, but most people don’t check off their bucket list items. Those goals are FAR-OFF, UNCLEAR, DISTANT, or NOT ACTIONABLE—all factors that make it hard to take action and make changes.
Bucket lists aren’t very helpful because they’re based in a DISTANT future—so distant that we might not have any intention to take the necessary steps to attain these things.
Instead, the REVERSE bucket list goes in the other direction. While the bucket list points to the future, the reverse bucket list points to the PAST up into the present. It helps us RECOGNIZE our past achievements and moments we are proud of so we can notice changes. When we work on acknowledging small change, it helps us appreciate our forward movement, even when life feels at a standstill.
How to Use the Reverse Bucket List
Follow these instructions to help you get started on your reverse bucket list and use the example as a guide!
Divide a piece of paper into two columns where the right column is wider than the left column.
Pick a starting point in the past. (A standard starting point is from one year ago.) Write the month and year at the top of the left column.
Fill in the rest of the left column with the month and year working from the starting point all the way back to this month and year.
As best as you can remember, jot down all the things you achieved and all the things you are proud of for each month. Nothing is too small to include here! (E.g., “I declined extra work from my boss this month” or “I expressed my anxiety by writing a poem.”)
You don’t have to follow this list chronologically. Jump around and fill in the months you recall easily, bounce back and forth between months, fill in the reverse bucket list whichever way fits you best.
Keep adding to this list every month! As this month comes to a close, ask yourself, “What did I accomplish this month? What am I PROUD of? What CHANGES did I make? What did I do well? What good habits did I maintain?”
I keep a reverse bucket list in my phone’s “Notes” app and add to it continuously. That way, I can recall the list as a reminder anytime I need to—highly recommended!
Drawing Strength from the Reverse Bucket List
Most of my clients have a habit of giving credit to OTHERS without giving much credit to THEMSELVES. They are self-critical individuals who struggle to recognize their own changes and accomplishments. The reverse bucket list intends to remind such people that you have had a lot of FORWARD movement even when things feel like they are the same.
When you make small (even unconscious) changes throughout life, it can be hard to notice the impact they have, and you can still get caught in that “shame cycle” mindset. But the reverse bucket list helps record those micromovements and can serve as a reminder of changes when you feel stuck at different points in life.
Want help with your emotions?
Grab your 9-page free guide, “How to Work with BIG Feelings: Anger, Sadness, & Fear”
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Bridge Exercise: Escaping "Stuckness"
Feeling stuck in life? Not sure how to get to where you want to be? Tap into your brain's ability to ideate solutions through the Bridge Exercise!
Feeling Stuck and Uninspired?
In another blog, I talked about feeling STUCK and discontent with life, wanting to make changes but not sure where to start. To combat it, we focused on taking ACTION through concrete steps and deadlines, but that might be an overwhelming starting point for some people.
Instead, the Bridge Exercise provides a new way to push for changes by VISUALIZING challenges we face and what can help us overcome them.
The Bridge Exercise
The Bridge Exercise is a tool to help you quickly understand where you are now, where you’d like to be, and what’s in the way of that, similar to the post on Taking Action. Instead of focusing on bite-sized steps though, the Bridge Exercise functions VISUALLY, encouraging you to tap into your emotions to find your challenges.
To complete the activity, divide a landscape piece of paper into the sections like the following image, or download and print the PDF handout.
Bridge Exercise Steps
Without using words or symbols, you will depict different areas of your life on the piece of paper. Use anything you have on hand—markers, watercolors, pens—feel free to get as creative as you want!
In part 1, depict where you are in the PRESENT. In which areas of life do you feel stuck? What does this look like? What does it feel like? What might that look like visually? (Remember: there are no wrong answers!)
(E.g., a person may feel stuck in their current relationship. Maybe they fight often, leaving them ridden with anxiety and guilt, or that their sensitivity is not respected, leaving them unfulfilled.)
In part 2, envision where you’d like to be in the future. What does that vision hold for you? What does it have that your present does not have? What emotions does this future evoke?
(E.g., that same person may envision a relationship with balance and reciprocation where both parties matter.)
In part 3, picture what seems to be in the way of the future you envision. What are the obstacles, blocks, and gaps from reaching this future?
(E.g., this person might be stuck in a one-sided relationship, feeling stuck in a shame cycle, and finding it difficult to find balance.)
Lastly, in part 4, “the bridge,” think about what connects part 1 (where you are now) to part 2 (where you want to be) by getting over part 3 (the blockade). Are there SOLUTIONS to overcoming these obstacles? What might those solutions look like?
(E.g., the solution could be a new relationship or building boundaries that work towards radical candor or a strong, balanced relationship.
Applying the Bridge Exercise
This exercise helps us think about our obstacles and solutions without overwhelming us with tasks. It works as a preliminary step to finding the reasons for feeling stuck and the changes needed to find solutions and take action. Visualizing obstacles and solutions is a vital step for improving relationships, identifying idleness in work lives, and realizing other uninspiring aspects of life that can use your attention and recharging. When you’re ready to take action, head over to the Taking Action post to help you get started.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Power of Perspective: Cycle or Spiral?
You may feel sometimes like you’re going in circles - expending so much energy, time, and resources to change, only to find yourself in the same place all over again. As more time goes on, you feel like the future is bleak - what’s the point of trying, if it’s going to be the same? Perhaps what’s the issue is not what’s happening but how you perceive what’s happening. What if you ARE actually changing?
Going in Circles
I thought I dealt with this already. Why am I going through this again?
Am I always going to be attracted to the same kinds of assholes?
Are things never going to get better?
Maybe you’re getting into fights with your partner again, and you’re thinking, “I TOLD myself I wouldn’t do this again,” only to find yourself doing the thing again. The same feelings arise, the same words are said, the same dance is danced, and you’re sick of it.
Maybe you vowed to actually finish a project this time, to find out that, ALSO this time, you didn’t.
You might be feeling stuck in your own reactive patterns, helpless to do anything about it. No amount of books you read, seminars you attend, and exercises you try seem to do the trick.
If you find yourself feeling like you’re in the exact same place despite all attempts to change, you might be stuck in a SHAME CYCLE.
The Shame Cycle
In the shame cycle, you keep feeling trapped, going around the same bend. There seems to be no development, and all attempts of change seem negated.
The first time you go around, there’s frustration (“Argh!! What the hell??”) and impatience (“Why isn’t this changing more quickly?!?”). With a burst of motivation and tons of creative juices flowing, you might push yourself (“This time, I’ll get it right.” “Maybe if I change this one thing…”)
When that doesn’t work and you see the same dynamics again, you might try pointing the finger outside yourself with anger/blame. “This time it wasn’t my fault.” “They did this to me; they messed me up.”
Several more rounds of this, confusion, anxiety, and despair set in. “Why can’t I shake this off?” “Why can’t I figure it out?”
Each round you go, you lose energy to bother trying anything different. Frustration and impatience give way to apathy and complacence. “What’s the point, if I’m only going to end up in the same spot anyway?”
Each round you go, you feel more and more hopelessness and defeated. “What if this is all who I am? Maybe I’ll just be this way forever.”
Each round you go, your self-esteem takes another blow. At first, there was guilt (“I messed up.”). Now there’s shame (“I’m messed up.”)
When you get to this point, your nervous system - overloaded with all the stress - starts to collapse.
FIGHT doesn’t work.
FLIGHT doesn’t work.
So FREEZE sets in.
This shutdown can lead down some dark paths:
Depression - you feel nothing will change, the future looks bleak
Anxiety - you feel out of control and disoriented
Shame - you see yourself as permanently flawed
The Resilience Spiral
For ANY human being going through a legit growth process, there WILL be moments when you’ll feel like you’re going through the same thing over and over again.
That’s VERY HUMAN and VERY NORMAL.
(You’re okay! I’m here, too!)
Even when we make similar kinds of reactive, autopilot decisions, NOT EVERYTHING is exactly the same. Some things are indeed different, and possibly different for the better.
When we start looking NOT for what’s the SAME but for what’s DIFFERENT, what we perceive changes: what we’re walking is not a CIRCLE, but a SPIRAL.
Depending on what angle you’re looking at, a circle is a top-down (or bottom-up) cross-section view of a spiral. It’s 2D, not 3D. It’s missing a whole dimension, namely TIME, and how much things have CHANGED over time.
Not a SHAME CIRCLE (where you slow down/stop), but a RESILIENCE SPIRAL (where you keep moving ahead/up).
Sure, you might be doing at Age 29 the kinds of things you did at Age 19 (like procrastinating hard core on a work project like you did on school assignments). But 29-You is WISER than 19-You, because you’ve gained some experience and learned some things (many the hard way). You might still procrastinate, but Older-You will wait ‘til the week preceding the deadline rather than the literal night before, because now you know that your body will definitely NOT be able to pull a Red Bulled all-nighter and survive a full work day.
29-You also knows that if you keep getting defensive when your partner brings up important topics, y’all will go another several rounds of flinging criticism at each other, with neither party coming out on top and both of you losing.
29-You also learned two years ago that sometimes it really DOES help to tell your partner, “Hey, I’m noticing I’m feeling really tense right now because I got off a long day at work. I need some time for my body to catch up to my brain, plus I’m really hangry. Can we eat and hang out first, and then talk about this around 8pm?”
Initially there might still be some annoyance for both of you, but in the end, the thing actually gets talked about and both of you get your needs met much more effectively than you did two years prior.
Give yourself more credit. You’ve earned it.
Hear me out. I am NOT a fan of “Fake it ‘til you make it” or “Look for the silver lining!” I’m not going to tell you to artificially make up something positive just so that you can feel better about yourself, because that’s still a distortion (just going the opposite direction).
I’m just saying, GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for things you’ve ACTUALLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.
Why is this so important? Because your body needs to know that you are an AGENT, meaning a being that can produce a specified effect. Overgeneralizations like “Always” or “Never” statements overload your nervous system, and it collapses beneath it. Once despair kicks in, the mind develops “learned helplessness”, meaning you live AS IF you are truly helpless even when there are things technically still within your control, responsibility, and ability.
Some things ARE outside of your control. That’s fine. You’re not supposed to do anything with them anyway. The point is for you to take ownership of things that ARE within your ability to do something about it. Keep your nervous system online with concrete evidence, including things that you did WELL and things that DID change for the better.
OWN the outcome, good and bad:
If bad, OWN that, repair the situation, learn from it, and try doing something new. Adjust as you go.
If good, OWN that and keep doing more of the same until you learn something that works even better.
Spiral, not Cycle
Some questions to ponder:
What’s your “reactive autopilot mode”? What are some patterns you have in your life, work, or relationships that seem to be stubbornly persistent over time? (The Enneagram might be a useful tool in revealing your autopilot.)
What are 1-3 things that DID change? (Think frequency, intensity, duration, quality, or direction.)
For example, you might still have generally one-sided relationships, but you’re more selective about with whom you’re connecting for what, stir up less emotional intensity in new connections, calibrate how much of yourself you share with others, or say no more often.)
Intentionally LOOK for small improvements in yourself or any situation. When we seek these exceptions, it’s easier to build upon our existing momentum to continue healing, growing, and changing for the better.
EVEN WHEN things FEEL the same, there are STILL differences.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Get UNSTUCK from DISCONTENT
Feeling stuck and dissatisfied with life? Use this vision exercise so that you can break out of the swamp of discontent and break down big, abstract dreams into concrete, bite-sized actionable steps.
Complacent with Feeling Dissatisfied?
Have you found yourself settling for your current job or relationship? Maybe you feel detached but not quite unhappy enough to make a change.
You might be STUCK in a sense of idleness, comfortable with the security even when you feel uninspired or dissatisfied.
You might get stuck in the meaningless monotony because you undervalue your own talent or capacity for meaningful life or overly accept messages that you don’t matter or don’t deserve better or can’t do great things.
You might escape or get lost in fantasy rather than actually taking concrete action steps to make these ideals a reality. You may sigh wistfully and think, “That must be nice,” and then chug away at the same-old, same-old.
Your fear of the unknown might overwhelm you and tell you to play it safe. What’s toxic but familiar might feel more manageable than what’s awesome but unfamiliar. Even though the current situation sucks, at least you know what’s coming.
You might have tried taking action in the past, but were told, “It’s unrealistic.” “How are you going to make a living?" “Grow up. You can’t always do things you like.” (Not realizing that sometimes other people project their OWN bitterness, head trash, and grief,) You fold up that bright vision board, tuck it inside a journal, place it back on the shelf. After a few years, your mind forgets, but your heart doesn’t, and every once in a while you feel the agitated pull towards that SOMETHING that seems so distant but oh so lovely and familiar.
You may not know exactly WHAT to change in your life and HOW, but THAT you long for something different - that’s a great place to be! I’ll walk you through an exercise I do with my clients in therapy to help you crystalize your grand ideals, make them concrete and actionable, and map out your quest to make it all happen.
Spoiler Alert: the condensed version of this exercise is FEEL, then THINK, then DO.
CONTAIN: Set a Final Deadline.
When I’m working with someone who is so stuck in their life, work, or relationships, I start with one simple question:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place TWO YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “Meh, I think I can hang in there for a few more years,” then it’s as if they can AFFORD to settle and putter around for longer. Then my follow up question is:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place FIVE YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “HELL NO!!” to either of the two questions, then we have a final deadline - the absolute point of no return they NEVER, EVER want to reach if they can do anything about it.
Bump up the timeline from five years to three years, etc. until you find the threshold of dissatisfaction, the point at which you notice negative emotions. (Contrary to public opinion, emotions like nausea 🤢🤮, anger 🤬, fear/dread 😨 are very useful signals to what the hard deadline is.)
Once there’s a hard deadline, NOW you can reverse engineer to defining the concrete, doable action steps you can start taking in present day.
NOTE: If the answer is even the five-year question is still “Meh, yes,” we might have a different issue altogether. Maybe emotions of shame 😞, guilt 😔, or numbness 😑 might be on hyperdrive, so that those might have to get addressed first before doing this exercise. Maybe your outlook on life is one where you’re supposed to just “hang in there” or not have any desires or needs. If this is the case, professional therapy would be a good call.
DREAM BIG. Like, REAL BIG.
Now that you have a deadline, let’s figure out the destination.
If _______ years from now you were EXACTLY where you WANT to be, what would your ideal life/job/relationship look like?
Brainstorm a list of words (in no particular order) or scribble with colors until you run out of things to put on paper. These could even be things that seem silly or “out there” - that’s the point!!
For the purposes of this exercise, DON’T put any restrictions on yourself. Too often, people prematurely judge, censor, or edit their dreams and vision so that they shoot the baby in the cradle.
Don’t settle and do more of the same (you’ll end up in the same spot). Give yourself PERMISSION to imagine BEYOND what seems within your reach, what’s DIFFERENT from how things are now.
If you’re feeling stuck, practice connecting with your EMOTIONS, which are directly connected to your deepest, legitimate needs. What needs to show up in your life so that you feel FREE? INVIGORATED? BELONGING? AT PEACE?
NOTE: Sometimes our daydreams and fantasies reveal what we need in ways that our thinking brain won’t allow ourselves to connect with. What scenarios or images do you tend to daydream or fantasize about?
Pull that vision chart you tucked into your shelf. Ignore all other critics - they’ve gotten a lot of airtime already.
Map Out Your Path
After you’ve exhausted your imagination and ideas, pick 1-3 things that you really want (these may be abstract or concrete). On a new sheet of paper (sometimes I use a big whiteboard) write:
Destination (2-5 years)
In ____ YEARS, I want:
To live in a city that’s close to national parks.
To upgrade my friendships (1-2 close friends, 5-7 social friends)
To choose a career path where I get to be energized and creative, not monotonous and meaningless.
Milestone (1 year)
The vision is set and nonnegotiable, but HOW you practically get there is still up in the air. NOW is the time to bring back the critics (treat them as CONSULTANTS - ultimately, you’re the boss!) so that they can help you build a concrete action plan around these visions.
In order to implement my visions, ONE YEAR from now, I need to:
Create a list of 2-4 different cities in the US that might be potential places to live, visiting at least one of them.
Create distance/boundaries with Friends X and Y. Create 1-2 new friendships.
Research 3-5 career options that involve creativity and spontaneity. Narrow list down to 1-2 options at the end of the year.
Consider SMART goals, or goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Sensitive.
Create Actionable Steps
Keep breaking these down into smaller and more manageable steps.
Checkpoint (3 Months - 1 quarter)
In order to implement my goals, THREE MONTHS from now, I need to:
Book a 1-week trip sometime this year to one of these cities.
Find a therapist who’s a great fit and learn more about my relationship patterns.
Pick one career option and do extensive research on what’s involved (grad school, relocation, etc.).
Benchmark (1 Month)
In order to implement my projects, ONE MONTH from now, I need to:
Pick a city I’ve always dreamed about living in and research what it’s like to live there (cost of living, public transportation, demographics).
Try at least 2-3 sessions with a new therapist.
Meet up with 1-2 people who’ve successfully changed their careers and are happy and thriving. Reach out to a career coach.
Step (1 week)
Don’t include these items on the board, but rather on sticky notes, since you’ll be going through a LOT of them over the year. Tasks should be bite-sized no-brainers, actions you can take within 5-10 minutes.
In order to implement my assignments, ONE WEEK from now, I need to:
Start saving $300 per month in a travel fund. Brainstorm some cities I’m intrigued in.
Read a blog about finding a therapist and clarify what I need. Contact 1-3 therapists.
Ask around for recommendations for a career coach or someone who’s changed careers. Contact them.
TAKE ACTION!
The short summary of this exercise is FEEL (dream), THINK (plan), then DO (action). You’ve done the first two already (by connecting with your emotions/needs and your consultants), so the next thing now is to DO THE TASKS!
No more hemming and hawing, dragging your feet, or making excuses. If you find yourself stuck again, chances are your tasks are actually assignments or projects (i.e., they could be broken down into even smaller steps.) Break it down into bite-size, then DO THE THINGS!
As you repeat this process every week (tasks), month (assignments), quarter (projects), and year (goal), you’ll find yourself actually closer to making your 2-5 year vision a reality.
No more waiting and being stuck!! Let’s get to it!!
If you’re needing help (or a switch kick in the tush), check out therapy or coaching!
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Radical Candor: Balancing Regard for Self and Others
Do you feel like your needs don’t matter, despite how much you do for others? Learn how to move towards radical candor, a relationship stance that creates room in the relationship big enough for both yourself and others.
Healthy Relationships Start with BALANCE
Connection with others varies from person to person. Sometimes you give more to the relationship, sometimes you might give less. Sometimes the relationship exists without much contribution from either party.
But the strongest relationships form when BOTH you and the other person make room for BOTH of your needs & wants. One person is not inherently more important than the other.
What makes this reciprocity possible? The ability to clearly and directly advocate for yourself while considering the well-being of both yourself and the other — what Kim Scott calls “Radical Candor”.
In this book, Scott outlines the four types of relationships defined by the balance or imbalance of self and others.
The 4 Relationship Quadrants
Kim Scott illustrates the four relationship types in an XY grid, where the X-axis represents care or regard for the self, and the Y-axis represents care or regard for others. When relationships have an imbalance of care for yourself or others, it can create relationships with conflict, resentment, shame, and inauthenticity. Learning which quadrants on the graph your relationships fall into can help you pinpoint areas to work on in order to achieve a balanced relationship that actively creates enough space for BOTH yourself and others.
Obnoxious Aggression
This relationship type falls into the bottom-right quadrant, reflecting a relationship with high regard for the self and little regard for others.
Characteristics:
Bully types or bossy.
Steamroll through relationships.
Don’t take feedback (e.g., disregard feedback or refuse to listen to feedback).
Unnecessarily aggressive (e.g., seem to look for challenges or accidentally challenge others often).
Rely on their power over others.
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to consider others/increase care for others. (E.g., practice reflecting on how others may interpret your words and tone. Will saying X hurt their feelings?)
Directly ask for feedback and respond to it for course-correction. (E.g., invite others to give you feedback. “How could I have addressed this better?” Consciously listen and implement feedback.)
Understand others are different from you. (E.g., not everyone has the ability to know their own needs as well as you do. Give people the space to understand theirs and feel safe to ask for your support.)
Don’t expect others to act as you do. (E.g., a person may not be able to stand up for themselves as you can.)
Manipulative Insincerity
This quadrant lies in the bottom left of the graph, depicting a relationship with regard for neither the self or others.
Characteristics:
Gossipers.
Show up in certain circles but do something else entirely different behind the scenes. (E.g., fulfills work roles adequately on the surface and disrupts working relationships with gossip amongst co-workers.)
Very surprising or mysterious. (E.g., others usually can tell where these people stand and their insincerity is not a complete shock. You can probably think of a few people like this in your workplace or social circles right now.)
Hard to read.
Interacting with these people might tense up the body.
Have a plastered/plastic smile with no “evidence” of what they are doing wrong. (E.g., appear friendly but inauthentic, and it is unclear why they appear inauthentic because there is no evidence of it.)
Use power indirectly. (E.g., guilt-tripping, gossiping, making fun of others, challenging the character of others, dismissive, etc.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to be direct with communication. (E.g., avoid using indirect means of power like guilt-tripping and dismissiveness.)
Learn how to state their own needs.
Honor and respect the other person. (People are different from each other and each deserves respect.)
Give information directly to avoid confusion or self-doubt from other parties. (E.g., instead of guilt-tripping a roommate to help with chores, tell them you need help maintaining the house upkeep.)
Ruinous Empathy
This person falls into the top left quadrant, where a person gives too much emphasis to others and not enough to the self. Most of my clients fall into this quadrant.
Characteristics:
Filled with guilt, anxiety, shame.
Have an allergic reaction to anger/highly sensitive people.
Overdo their empathy. (Empathy CAN be overdone and is not automatically a good thing.)
Empathy goes too far and leaves no room for the self.
On the surface, they are kind, serving, empathetic people, but this happens with an engine of shame behind the scenes. (E.g., shame may motivate a person to serve others because they feel like they are not enough.)
Overly extending self to others leads to burnout easily and creates a shame spiral. (E.g., “I should be able to do better,” self-judgment for “selfishness.”)
Can cultivate resentment when there is not enough time for oneself. (Resentment often shows up with guilt, and people may have a difficult time noticing and/or acknowledging this.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Must learn how to care for themselves as much as others. (This will feel selfish at first because you’ve been trained to center on others, but it is NOT selfish, it’s SELF-CARING. In order to deeply care for others well, you must care for yourself; otherwise, acts are tainted with resentment, guilt, and shame.)
Practice anger. (Let yourself feel angry and hurt. These emotions are not selfish to have.)
Practice self-care and self-compassion.
Do things that at first trigger a sense of guilt and shame—this indicates you are going in the right direction. (E.g., be honest about your needs and explain to your loved ones when they do something that upsets you. This will trigger a sense of guilt/shame at first, but these are necessary steps for balancing your relationship and moving into radical candor.)
Radical Candor
This is the ideal place for a relationship. In the top-right quadrant, this represents an equal balance between the self and others.
Characteristics:
Able to create balance where you know others matter just as much as you do, and you matter just as much as others.
Are able to speak up for their own needs.
Speaking the truth kindly but directly.
Intentionally addresses issues instead of skirting around problems.
Reaching Radical Candor
Moving into the quadrant of radical candor can be very difficult for some people. Being assertive about your own needs can be scary if you have trouble putting yourself out there or if you are scared of the negative reactions from others, but it is necessary work for strong relationships. When you consciously and directly address issues in the relationship or clearly communicate your needs, you give the other person a chance to repair and address these issues and needs. Waiting for others to fulfill needs and address issues that you skirt around or avoid speaking about lays the groundwork for an imbalanced relationship and resentment.
As you navigate your work and social life in the coming weeks, evaluate your relationships and see if you can identify which quadrant(s) you fall into. Is there a balance between yourself and others? From there, you can work towards achieving radical candor in your relationships.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Life Timeline: A Bird's-Eye View of Your Life
As a follow-up exercise to the Top 10 Best/Worst Memories List, the Life Timeline helps you visually see what larger periods of your life were like and recognize what kinds of needs were and weren’t met.
Emotions Running into the Present
In my last blog post, Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life, we discussed how to identify common emotional themes in a Top 10 Memory List. This list will be helpful for the Life Timeline activity.
Like the Top 10 List, the Life Timeline will help us discover common themes among our strongest emotional memories, but in a visual form.
Refer to your own Top 10 List, like the example below for this activity.
How to Create a Life Timeline
Draw a horizontal line on paper and plot years on this line in increments of 2 to 5 years. This is the base of your Life Timeline.
Using your Top 10 Best Memory List, plot the positive memories (green) ABOVE the timeline.
From Top 10 Worst Memories List, plot the negative memories (orange) BELOW your timeline.
Then, plot the neutral life events (blue) in the middle, such as moving, the birth of a family member, or beginning college.
Evaluating the Life Timeline
As with your Top 10 Memory List, identify common themes that cut through various memories with a bird’s-eye view.
What themes stand out to you? (e.g., “When problems arise, I feel I have no one to turn to.”)
Did some of your best and worst memories take place around any neutral life events?
Did some of your best and worst memories happen during specific periods of your life? (e.g., during childhood or college.)
What underlying emotions or reactions emerge from these memories?
Which periods were generally positive? Which were generally difficult?
Do you notice any familiar patterns? (e.g., loneliness, work-related stress, etc.)
Are any people in your life connected to these patterns?
Now that you’ve considered the themes and patterns of your Life Timeline, color code the periods of your life that have a generally positive or negative emotional undercurrent. Which two or three emotions would you use to describe these periods?
Untying the Emotional Knots
The Life Timeline allows us to visualize some of our most pivotal memories by stretching them over our lives, connecting them to ages and other life events. This visual, bird’s-eye view helps us reconnect seemingly isolated memories into the emotional undercurrent of our lives. As we become more aware of how emotions tie into our memories, we can better anticipate our emotional responses to new events as they arise.
What you feel indicates what you need in order to untie these difficult emotional knots. Identifying these rigid patterns is the first step to clarifying your needs, which makes it easier to get them met. Refer to your discoveries today and allow them to guide you into creating a better future. Now that you’ve defined some of your needs, impactful moments, and emotional undercurrents, we can determine how these build into your behaviors, and how the behaviors of yourself and others in your life can be safe or unsafe. The “Safe People” blog will help gauge your connections and provide a foundation for healthy relationships.
How does your family of origin experiences & patterns shape how you live & love today?
Wanna map out your relationship dynamics as influenced by your family of origin? Check out this blog about genograms, the family tree’s fancy cousin that has so much more info than just who’s who!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life
Learn how to create and use the Top 10 Best/Worst Memory list so that you can better understand how the past influences your present and thereby intentionally design a better future.
The Past is Still Alive
Key moments and memories from years (even decades ago) can still influence our emotions, relationships, and self-esteem today. Memories build into the fabric of our lives, and while we likely interpret memories as “good” or “bad,” we are not always able to identify the themes behind those memories and discover which events could be causing trauma, anxiety, or other difficult emotions. This is where a Top 10 List comes in.
What is a Top 10 List?
The purpose of the Top 10 List is to view these memories as part of a whole rather than random, isolated moments in our lives. Odds are that many of your best memories and worst memories have similar underlying currents that still affect your emotions and relationships in present day. Once you’ve written out what may seem like independent, unrelated events on a single sheet of paper, you may be able to better see the common threads that are still being woven today, whether you like it or not.
For this activity, divide a lined piece of paper into two columns. On the left side, list your Top 10 Best Memories; on the right side, list your Top 10 Worst Memories. Jot just a line or two—enough for you to understand what the memory is—and list the age that this memory occurred. No need to write an essay about each memory - we only need a Table of Contents for your life to use as a reference guide.
Look at the example chart below to help jumpstart your own Top 10 lists. These memories might be about connection, breakups, leisure, achievements, loss, disappointments, etc. Give yourself enough time to explore your positive and negative emotions. You can jot these memories in a notebook or use the downloadable PDF chart.
How to Evaluate Your Memories
After making your list, see if you can identify some common themes among them.
What themes stand out? (e.g., “Even if I mess up, someone always has my back.”)
What seems to matter the most to you? (e.g., success, relationships, money, self-reliance)
Are there common emotions associated with these memories?
What are the positive emotions (e.g., pride, belonging, connection)?
What are the negative emotions (e.g., failure, shame, guilt)?
What pained you the most?
What did you need that you didn’t get? (e.g., comfort, rest, friendship)
What are some familiar patterns you’ve found yourself in? (e.g., friendship fallouts, loneliness, thwarted projects)
Now, think about how these emotions and themes carry into the present. Do these themes trigger you emotionally? For example, if many of your worst memories tie in with you failing, it wouldn’t be surprising that the fear of disappointing others still has a strong presence in your life today in your professional life, personal relationships, etc.
The Future is Not Yet Set: What Now?
The Top 10 List gives you a bird's eye view of your life so that, informed by your life narrative, you can intentionally weave the future in alignment with your wants and needs.
Now that you know what you know about yourself, what would you like to do differently going forward? Keep the same?
What are some stubborn patterns in your life that seem to repeat against your will? What do you need to do to get unstuck?
The first step at working through these knots is identifying the common threads as revealed by your emotions since what you FEEL reveals what you NEED. Then, you can take this to the next level and visualize these feelings and needs in the Life Timeline.
As you move forward this month, notice which emotions are stirred up, because the present is simultaneously the past in the making and a chance to design the future.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Reducing Stress with the React or Respond Chart
The part of your brain that helps you make wise, sound decisions to manage stress is the very part that also shuts down when you pass a certain threshold. Keep yourself grounded and balanced with this handy worksheet!
Autopiloting in Stress
Think about the most recent time you reacted in ways that made things worse.
You got chewed out by your boss at work, came back home agitated, and kicked the dog who bit you back.
You feel overwhelmed and anxious about that big project, yet you find yourself putting it off and beating yourself up about it.
Even though you feel lonely, you have a hard time reaching out to others because you don’t want to burden anyone. So you Netflix binge to numb your feelings, to feel even worse afterward.
Sound familiar?
When our stress levels get past a certain point, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain behind our forehead that makes wise, sound decisions to help us function in life) actually shuts down. In this space, we are more likely to make reactive decisions that often make things worse, not better. Best intentions won’t play out the way we want until we can soothe our nervous system, reduce our stress levels, and turn the prefrontal cortex back online.
When we’re not aware of how we’re doing, we are likely to react and self-destruct because our stress compounds. When we are aware of how we’re doing, we’re more equipped to respond and do self-care that actually reduces stress. Writing out our usual dynamics on paper usually makes it easier for us to notice these patterns in the future, giving us a chance to shift out of reactive habits that usually get us into trouble.
When we are in different states of stress, we tend to exhibit familiar patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Sometimes we might not realize how stressed we are until we see some of these signs.
Prepare for war during times of peace, not times of war! Plan ahead what you can do to take care of yourself while your prefrontal cortex is active, because when stress levels strike, you’re not going to be able to do that effectively.
The React or Respond Chart is a tool to learn more about your autopilot habits and to preplan some self-care steps. Consider this a cheat sheet for you to refer to when you notice you’re becoming more stressed.
How to Use the React or Respond Chart to Reduce Stress
If I were a fly on the wall observing you in your natural habitat, what are some things I’d see you doing? How would I be able to tell how stressed or relaxed you are?
In this chart, there are three rows (Safe Zone, At-Risk Zone, Danger Zone) and four columns (Behaviors, Emotions, Cognitions, and Self-care/Safety Plan).
The numbers on the left indicates your stress level on a scale of 1 (low stress) to 10 (high stress). Each row describes what you tend to do (Behaviors), feel (Emotions), and think (Cognitions), along with some ways you can take care of yourself (Self-care/Safety Plan) to reduce your stress levels in the corresponding stress “zone” you’re in.
Safe Zone (stress level 1-4) - when you’re the most relaxed, grounded, rested, and energized
At-Risk Zone (stress level 5-7)- when you’re doing well enough to function, but if a few more stressful things happen, it may knock you off balance and tip you over into the red
Danger Zone (stress level 8-10)- when you’re really not doing well and you’re having strong reactions that make things worse for yourself and/or others
Fill this chart in from the bottom up (Safe Zone to Danger Zone) through each of these dimensions of yourself:
Behaviors - What might a fly on the wall see you doing?
Emotions - What do you tend to feel? (Think MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB if you need a starting point)
Cognitions - What do you tend to think about yourself? Others? Life? The world?
Self-care/Safety Plan - What are some activities or exercises you can do to reduce your stress and help you soothe?
*It’s TOTALLY okay if you are having a hard time completing this chart. You might ask someone who knows you well and with whom you feel comfortable to fill this out with you.
Here are some examples:
Safe Zone (stress levels 1-4)
Behaviors - socializing a lot, singing while doing chores, playing music, yoga, hammocking
Emotions - peaceful, excited, energized
Cognitions - I am safe, I know how to do this, others care about me
Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to keep you in the green) - calling a friend to let them know how I’m doing, eating healthily, reading books, find a hobby, meeting with a therapist or life coach routinely to continuously grow
At-Risk Zone (stress levels 5-7)
Behaviors - keeping to myself, spending more time alone, snapping at others, Netflix binging, tunnel visioned, take things personally, overworking
Emotions - tense, irritable, overwhelmed, rushed
Cognitions - Why do I always have to do things by myself? Others can’t be trusted, or I don’t know how to do this.
Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to get you back down to the green) - taking a vacation, asking others for help, delegating tasks, working out, put limits on what to focus on, don’t start new projects, meeting with a therapist to learn self-care and stress management skills
Danger zone (stress levels 8-10)
Behaviors - drinking to numb out, trouble sleeping (too much/too little/inconsistent), isolating and not talking to anyone, not going to work, stuck in bed for days at a time, causing fights with loved ones
Emotions - shut down, rage, depressed, hopeless
Cognitions - I hate myself, I hate life, No one’s going to miss me anyway, Things will always be like this, I can never get anything right
Self-care/Safety Plan (how to reduce stress ASAP) - schedule an appointment with a doctor or therapist, call someone you feel most safe with and ask for help in deciding what you need to do next
Reducing Stress: Self-Care & Safety Plan
Whereas the first three columns of Behaviors, Emotions, and Thoughts are what you naturally tend to do without trying, the last column of Self-care/Safety Plan involves things that you would do on purpose. This is where you can identify hobbies or things you gravitate to, such as doing jigsaw puzzles, gardening, playing music, or reaching out to a friend. Self-care is a little different from behavior in that this is meant to keep you in the safe zone (grounded and more energized).
Often when stress levels tend to rise, our hobbies are usually the first things to go, even though they’re precisely what we need SO THAT we can keep our stress levels low. Make sure the activities listed in this box are very simple, concrete, easy things that you can do or start doing within 3 minutes. The more abstract or less defined these activities are, the less likely you’ll actually do them when you need to.
If you’re feeling stuck on this part, talk to a friend or a therapist who can help come up with ideas of things you can realistically do.
When you’ve filled out the chart, make 2-3 copies. Post one copy where you see it often (e.g., the fridge, on your work desk, on your nightstand) and give a copy to someone who can refer to this to care for you well (e.g., partner, close friend, family member, therapist).
What’s Your Baseline?
Based on what you’ve written in the chart, on the 10-point stress scale, what seems to be your baseline stress level nowadays? Do you find yourself around a 6 or 7, teetering the edge of the Danger Zone? Or close to a 4 or 5 where you can readily scoot down into Safe Zone?
Circle that baseline number, and set an intention of lowering that over the course of the next month, either with the help of a loved one, self-development books or podcasts, or therapy.
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
See how the Enneagram and genogram reveal trauma, boundaries, and generational patterns in families like the Bridgertons — and maybe yours too!