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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
What is Your Relationship Model?
Each of the human survival instincts - Self-preservation (SP), Social (SO), and Sexual (SX) - have their respective bias towards certain relationship habits. See which one resonates with you.
It's a recent discovery that I LOVE hosting and connecting people with each other. I don't care so much that people would come to see ME...I LOVE helping people connect deeply with themselves and others.
Given that the vast majority of my life as an Enneagram 4, I struggled with feeling like I'm always on the outside looking in, this is quite the plot twist.
The main reason why I was able to make this internal shift was realizing what my default relationship model was that was getting me into trouble a whole lot of the time.
Before I explain the different relationship habits of Enneagram instincts, here's a question for you:
If an image or object illustrates what relationship model you have, what would it be?
Here are at least 10 different options (pick 1-2 that most stand out!):
Hub & Spokes - this was my default!
You have many 1:1 relationships with others, but don't like when those "spokes" connect with each other directly. You often find yourself controlling/being triangulated in other people's relationship with each other. Each relationship is individual - everyone is so different, hence each relationship is so different, hence there really isn't any basis of comparison between one person and the next.
Silos/Towers
You compartmentalize each arena of your life. Each of these silos operate independently of each other. What happens (positively/negatively) in one arena doesn't have any impact on another.
Concentric Circles - Spouse's Default
You have "tiers" of people who have the same kind of access to you depending on what "level" they're in. There's not a whole lot of focus on individuals within each tier, just the tiers themselves. You also want people within each tier to get to know each other so that no one is left out (interacting with 2+ people across tiers feels weird so you go with the lowest common denominator). You tend to take on a "role" in these tiers and stand out more than being a belonging member.
Spiderweb - Work Wife's Default
The opposite of Hub & Spokes; you like the interconnection between different relationships (and often like being the one to connect someone from one area of your life with another elsewhere). There is more fluid movement between your relationships. Still, you prefer that two of your people don't get closer to each other than they are to you.
Dumbbell
You (overly) attach to ONE person and to NO ONE ELSE. This chosen person is your EVERYTHING. You also expect for them to see you the same way. Often, there is way too much pressure put on the other party. This is often the source of conflict, which gets the person to sometimes double down on the overexclusive reliance on the partner until maybe the relationship falls apart.
Electrons
Your connections with people are fleeting and ever-changing. There's a lot of energy and excitement, but not enough stability and consistency. It's super fun and engaging, but hard to sustain. It's hard to tell who's close to you because of the shifting connections. Everyone comes and goes, and there's not a whole lot of attachment to any particular person.
Fortress
Everyone is seen as a threat, invader, or enemy - no one is exempt. Relationships are barely existent except as a trade agreement (give-to-get) - whatever connections do exist tend to be incredibly utilitarian or transactional. Other people need to repeatedly demonstrate that they're trustworthy, but one strike/they're out.
Fog
It's hard to tell what connections are because it's not clear where you begin and the other person ends. There's little to no definition in the relationship -- are you close? not? Together? not? Exclusive? not? There's not a lot of movement that happens in these relationships because there's a lack of substance or definition. There's just floating...forever.
Host/Parasite
One person (the host) carries the majority/entirety of the relationship responsibilities, and the other is a moocher (the parasite) that sucks the host dry (after which, they just find another prey).
The host doesn't value oneself much and allows the parasite to exploit them because the former doesn't know a life without parasites - it's so unfamiliar that a parasite-free life seems scary...
When the host does try to knock off the parasite, the parasite fights back even harder (for them it feels like life-or-death) until the host just gives up and submits. In order for this relationship to "die", the host needs an entire transformation of their life circumstances and environment - once rid of pests, they cannot go back to old habits lest they be reinfested.
Symbiotic/Interdependent
Unlike the one-sided parasitic relationship, symbiotic relationships are ones that are mutually beneficial. Each party has their own strength that covers for another's weakness. They're DIFFERENT but EQUAL - neither is inherently good or bad. They can coexist without any competition or comparison - there is room for both of their needs.
In true interdependence, you recognize that some needs are meant to be met by you, some by others, some by either, and some by both. There's flexibility in meeting your needs - if for some reason the other person isn't available, you can still find some ways to get your needs met. Consequently, there's not a lot of pressure buildup in one specific relationship, and there's an opening up to other options.
Which of the ten do you resonate with? Would you add any?
Why do you suppose you gravitate to this model? What BENEFIT do you get? How does it LIMIT/COST you?
What's one thing you can do to soften your default option? What other models seem within your stretch zone so that you have more options?
The Relationship Habits of Dominant Instincts
Each of the human survival instincts - Self-preservation (SP), Social (SO), and Sexual (SX) - have their respective bias towards certain relationship habits.
This is what it looks like when each instinct is DOMINANT (i.e., it's showing up WAY MORE than it's supposed to and needs to be DIALED BACK):
Self-Preservation (SP) dominant instinct
Themes: safety, security, control, predictability, order
More guarded, rigid, controlling
Hard for other people to read and/or connect with
More connected to oneself than to others
Favorite models: Hub & Spokes, Silos/Towers, Fortress, Fog, Parasite
Social (SO) dominant instinct
Themes: status, image, influence, power, privilege, hierarchy, belonging
More diffuse, no single person is "it"
Close to the group as a whole but not to individuals; breadth > depth
More connected to the group's needs than to one's own interests/needs
Favorite models: Concentric Circles, Spiderweb, Electrons, Fog, Host
Sexual (SX) dominant instinct
Themes: chosenness, specialness, intensity, exclusivity, intimacy, passion, competition, rivalry, dominion
Depth/intensity trumps everything else
Underly AND overly boundaried - fused/merged with chosen others, excluding everyone else
Rivalry/competition, being the special "-est" one (best, prettiest, smartest, richest, wealthiest, etc.)
More connected to chosen others than to self - lose oneself in the other
Favorite models: Hub & Spokes, Silos, Spiderweb, Dumbbell, Parasite/Host
TAME the Dominant Instinct,
NURTURE the Repressed
Don't know if you noticed...none of the dominant instincts lists Relationship Model #10 (Symbiotic/Interdependent). This is because this model happens when all three instincts (Self-pres, Social, and Sexual) are in BALANCE and HARMONY with each other. There is a balance between self (Self-pres) and others (Social / Sexual).
There's also flexibility and fluidity in shifting between meeting your needs by yourself (Self-preservation), from others in general or groups (Social), or from chosen others (Sexual).
There's a ton of LIFE-GIVING things that happen when our instincts are in balance/harmony, a shit ton of CHAOS that happens when they're out of alignment.
The dominant instinct is one that goes on OVERDRIVE and needs to be TAMED. If your dominant instinct is any of these, these patterns need to be reined in (partially by trying out models that are less familiar).
If any of these instincts are your REPRESSED (i.e., you UNDERLY summon this side of you), you actually need to do these experiences MORE so that you're more balanced (you might be out of alignment right now). Whichever instinct (SP, SO, or SX) you have a visceral *throw up* or judgmental reaction to -- that's your growth edge.
(Part of the reason you might be intensely judgmental towards other people *might* be because this is in your shadow and you're PROJECTING. Maybe they're good at what you abhor. The solution is for you to do what THOSE PEOPLE do ON PURPOSE.)
The Crucible for Growth
For better and for worse, the people who are in your vicinity will challenge your relationship model, especially when you hold a pattern that functions exactly in the opposite way as theirs.
My default pattern used to be Hubs & Spokes, until I just butted heads so often with my spouse (Concentric Circles) + work wife (Spiderweb) that I learned to do what they do and vice versa.
We three are better for this expansion of models, since it's like we each learned another language or two on top of our native tongue. Life is smoother, there's less reactivity all around, and there's more time nurturing our connection with ourselves and each other.
The people closest to you might drive you crazy, but it might not be THEM that's causing troubles for you. They may just be revealing YOUR growth edge. How do you know? Try doing what they do on purpose, then see what new riches you gain from growing beyond your autopilot and gaining access to life that was once unfathomable to you.
Next Steps for True Interdependence
What is ONE thing you will do this week regarding your relationships to either:
Dial back the dominant instinct (do LESS)?
Summon the repressed instinct (do MORE)?
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!
Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Set Boundaries over the Holidays
If you're feeling DREAD around seeing some people over the holidays learn some questions to ask yourself to help set boundaries.
"I KNOW I need to set boundaries, but I CAN'T."
This is what I hear often when I'm working with people who learned how to people please, placate, and repress their own feelings/needs to survive their significant relationships. All of these are examples of "FAWN" responses (in addition to FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE) to (even anticipated) scary or risky situations.
Why the resistance to setting boundaries? Here are some reasons:
I don't know how.
I feel guilty/bad. (BTW - "bad" is not a feeling, but you get the idea)
I don't want to because it's too scary.
I don't want to because I don't think I'm worth it.
I don't want to make them mad.
The majority of the people I work with have some strained relationship with family members. Unlike friends, whom you can choose or leave at will, family is what you're born into without any say.
As the holiday season rolls around (and also around family holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day), old wounds are poked, stirring up feelings of anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, shame, irritation, resentment, etc.
Even relatively healthy relationships with family might stir up stress as people navigate spoken or unspoken expectations, travel plans, financial strain, and limited time.
Questions to prepare for the holidays
If you're feeling DREAD around seeing some people over the holidays, consider up front:
How can you keep from overextending yourself?
What are your realistic limits in terms of mental, emotional, physical, or financial energy? How can you build more down time into your schedule?
During the harder times of the year, plan to do 70% of what you usually do so that you have a greater buffer. Operating at the full 100% makes it so that any extra pain starts depleting the resources you need to just get by a “normal” week.
When things are harder, make it EASIER on yourself. DO NOT TRY TO TOUGH IT OUT - YOU’VE ALREADY DEALT WITH PLENTY OF SHIT.
Who are some people who drain energy?
What's the maximum amount of time you can hang around someone without becoming reactive?
PRO TIP: Schedule 1-2 hours with that person and schedule something ELSE at the end of that time period.
Give the person a head's up that you have something afterwards ("I have other things I gotta do while I'm here" or "I have other people I need to also meet up with"), and when time's up, say "I gotta go!"
How can YOU initiate an activity?
You might have some people you’re not super excited to see but feel like you HAVE to (like a nagging relative who keeps saying, “Why don’t we ever see you?”).
They keep reaching out to you, and you feel like you have to either maneuver your way out of that invite (and feel guilty) or endure that experience (and feel trapped, anxious, and ashamed).
PRO TIP: Sometimes, if YOU initiate an activity you feel better or safer about (bowling, watching a sports game, or shopping), then THEY would be in a position to say yes or no. If they say yes, it’s at least on YOUR terms and timeline. If no, oh well! At least you tried.
Who are people you need to steer clear of completely?
Or hang out only in public spaces? Or only when other people are around?
Don’t force yourself to hang out with them. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy, or sanity.
Let them throw a tantrum or get upset. You’re not the asshole for not making their drama your drama.
Who keeps asking inappropriate or uncomfortable questions?
Some people are freakin nosy, digging for deets about whether/who you're dating, whether/when you'll have kids, how much money you're making, etc.
PRO TIP: Pick some neutral/shallow topics you can purposefully redirect the conversation to. Not everyone deserves to have access to you. YOU get to choose - not letting others into your life does NOT make you a bad person.
Who are some safe people who can care for you?
Who can you ask keep you company during those scarier situations?
Who can help you decompress afterwards?
Here’s a blog that describes who’s a safe vs. unsafe person.
PRO TIP: Ask one of them ahead of time to call you with some urgent matter partway through if you need an out of an unpleasant meetup.
If you’re feeling guilty
Obviously, some of these things I'm encouraging you isn’t 100% ethical. Save your ethics and morality for situations where you actually have SAFETY and FREEDOM - not when you're pressured, bullied, or guilt-tripped.
When you're dealing with unhealthy, manipulative people, you do NOT need to expose yourself to being exploited or hurt again. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE.
If you’re playing a game where the other parties keep cheating or changing the rules, there’s no fair play. No need to follow the rules; you may stop playing the game altogether.
To butcher a Henry Cloud quote: If you set boundaries and the other person gets mad, it's NOT a sign that you're doing something WRONG. In fact, it's CONFIRMATION that boundaries were necessary in the first place, because this person has been benefitting at your expense this whole time.
MAD: The Emotion of Boundaries
ANGER is a good self-protecting and self-honoring emotion right about now. Not all anger is bad, and not all love is good. The healthy versions of both create relationships where there's enough room for BOTH parties, not just one at the other's expense.
If you're wanting to know more about the HOW-TOs of boundary setting and assertiveness, check out the following:
A blog I wrote about Radical Candor (from Kim Scott's book).
An interview I had about toxic relationships
A blog about safe people (from Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book)
These Instagram posts about anger (bio page > “MAD” highlights)
I’m really rooting for you. Hang in there.
After this season is over, I encourage you to use the non-holiday months next year to build towards a year-end time that suits and honors you. Perhaps it might be time for you to find yourself a therapist.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Which Enneagram Types are Romantically Compatible?
Is your Enneagram type compatible with your partner’s type? It’s really NOT that simple! Compatibility is about learning to struggle together and move BEYOND the patterns of each other’s types.
This is one of the questions I get asked ALL. THE. TIME.
I get it — relationships are freakin hard already, and people wanna know which combos got the best shot in making it through the rocky terrain to arrive at the luscious promised land of intimacy.
But I hate to break it to ya—it's NOT about which Enneagram types are compatible with each other, but more about how much personal work each person has done. It's about how healthy and nonreactive, and wise both parties can be, rather than what personalities they are.
There is no "perfect match" between Enneagram types.
Each combination can be REALLY GOOD and REALLY BAD and everything in between, depending on how much each person has worked to grow BEYOND their Enneagram type.
(By the way, the word "compatibility" literally means "com" (with) + "pati" (pain) + ability = the ability to struggle together. If that's the definition being used, then, yes, all 9 types can be compatible with each other.)
Stuck in Autopilot
The Enneagram speaks to 9 different ways people cope with and navigate through life. Each person's type is their own "autopilot mode" of thinking, feeling, and doing as a way of dealing with stress. Our autopilot survival skills have helped us move through vulnerable times in our lives, especially in childhood (when we really couldn't control a lot of our experiences).
But the very cages that have protected us from scary things when we were young are the same bars that keep us stuck when we've grown up and don't need the same protection anymore.
If we cling to our personality types (for example, by being proud that we are a certain Enneagram type, we are staying inside that tiny cage and are wondering why our hunched backs are aching.
If we stay inside that tiny cage, there's no room for another whole person - just whatever pieces of them "fit" our idea of how they "should" be.
Because we are still WHOLE persons, regardless of whether we're willing to acknowledge that, we're in for a rude awakening when the rose-colored glasses come down (because they will) and we realize that WHOA - this person is NOT who I signed up to be with.
The Enneagram: a Map for Personal Growth
Our Enneagram types tell us what path of inner work we have. Unlike how the Enneagram is used nowadays (in pigeonholing people and trying to find what type of holiday gift to get each type), it was originally intended on revealing to us our blindspots and shadows in how we get ourselves stuck (and pull others into our muck in the process). We were all meant to grow beyond our coping skills.
The Enneagram is not a horoscope system to see what kind of day we'll have or what our fate will be. The Enneagram shows us a map pointing to where we COULD go IF WE DO and DON'T DO OUR PERSONAL WORK.
Our Enneagram type doesn't dictate the ending - it just reveals the possibilities. Whether a particular POSSIBILITY becomes an ACTUALITY is up to you.
Are you willing to do the work or not?
Is your partner willing to do the work or not?
Is your family member or leader willing to do the work or not? (Because this is not just for romantic relationships!)
So Who do I date?
The simple answer? Anyone who's willing to do their personal work, so as long as you are also willing to do yours.
Doesn't matter what Enneagram type y'all are - that just shows some details about how your respective autopilots show up and interact with each other. If both of y'all are doing the work and become more flexible and grounded (instead of constantly triggering each other), y'all will do just fine.
As long as each person in the relationship is willing to:
learn about their own respective autopilot patterns,
acknowledge that they have blindspots and flaws,
and take personal responsibility to work out of reactivity,
then ALL combinations of types have a fantastic chance of having a phenomenal relationship - romantic, platonic, familial, professional, or otherwise.
Remember the true definition of compatibility? Learn how to STRUGGLE TOGETHER so that you can experience true intimacy. It's not all pain and no gain - it's through the hard work of waking up out of reactivity that y'all can truly BE PRESENT to ENJOY each other's company to the fullest.
Learn more about your Enneagram type!
Read a blog about each Enneagram type.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Two Quick Tips to Be Assertive
Empathetic people struggle to put their needs before others, but practicing assertiveness is a necessary part of every relationship. Read these quick tips on how to be assertive and create BALANCED relationships.
The Value of Assertiveness in Relationships
Many of the people I work with (myself included) have trouble being assertive in relationships. We tend to focus our connections on empathy and meeting the needs of others, but that focus on the other OVER the self can really impact the relationship and yourself. Such a dynamic is what Kim Scott calls “Ruinous Empathy,” a dynamic that takes empathy so far that the relationship no longer has room for the self. Such relationships cultivate resentment and lead to easy burnout. (You can read more about Ruinous Empathy in my blog post on Radical Candor.) Practicing assertiveness is a tool for building BALANCED relationships where both YOU and OTHERS matter.
Tip #1: Use the Sentence: I am open to “____”; I am not open to “____.”
One way to be assertive is to use the sentence, "I am open to 'blank;' I am not open to 'blank.'" Sometimes when someone else makes a request or a demand of us, we might find ourselves feeling stuck between the options of:
Saying YES, going along with their demand or request, OR
Saying NO, where we're in the position of rejecting.
So, the template, "I am open to blank, I'm not open to blank," provides an alternative option. An example is if someone asks, "Hey, can we go to San Francisco and do X Y Z things." I might not be up to that because I tend to have low energy, so I may say, "Hey, I'm open to grabbing coffee for a couple of hours with you; I'm not open to spending the whole day in SF." That might be enough.
Instead of you being in a position of going with the other person's request exactly as it is or denying their request completely, you pitch a THIRD OPTION. Now there's room for negotiation here and that's totally okay. The idea is that you're not stuck in an all-or-nothing arrangement.
The converse can happen as well when you're making a request to someone else, and they're in a position of saying yes or no. If they say no, you can follow up with, "Well, what are you available to do?" You give them an opportunity to speak for themselves. That way, you don't just have two options. It opens up that conversation.
Tip #2: Don’t Over-Explain
The second way of being assertive is to NOT over-explain yourself. Now if you're like me and a lot of people that I work with, we tend to feel bad about putting forth our needs. We feel guilty or we're scared that the other person may say no or get mad, and when we finally muster up the courage to make a request, we provide this lengthy explanation as to why that request needs to happen or why it's a good idea.
It's totally understandable why people might feel the need to over-explain. The downside is the more you explain yourself, the more you actually dilute down the effect of your request. You water it down. So sometimes when you over-explain, the listener may have a harder time keeping track of what your initial request is. An example might be instead of saying "I'm not available on Friday,” you say something like "I'm not available on Friday because I need to go to the grocery store, because I need to gather all this food to prepare because my in-laws are coming tomorrow and they have high expectations.” The other person is like, well, that's way more much information than I needed.
The over-explanation might not be necessary and sometimes it's just generally good practice, especially if you have a hard time with boundaries, to hold back on sharing more than is actually concretely necessary for the question at hand. The main question is, "Are you available on Friday or not?" So instead of over-explaining yourself, stick to the point. Stick to the action item saying, "I am available on Friday," or "I'm not available on Friday," and notice how often you do over-explain and see what tends to happen in those conversations. More likely, the other person you're talking to may feel or sense that you are more defensive or you are more insecure because in effect you're kind of backtracking.
So, state the request very clearly or state the boundary very clearly. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, for any of your decisions. If you happen to be interacting with someone who tends to push boundaries, like they say, "Well, why?" Well, that might actually be a reflection of them being a less safe person than you thought they were, and that might be a signal for you to start dialing back for that very reason. If you're interacting with someone who demands to know the very reasons or justifications for your actions, that's kind of a sign that they don't really respect you all that much. So, to develop respect, instead of giving more of yourself, you give them less access to you; that's generally a good practice.
Being Assertive in Your Connections
So in summary, there are two quick ways of being assertive.
One is for you to say the sentence, "I am open to blank; I am not open to blank."
The second one is to watch when you over-explain yourself and practice dialing back.
You don't have to do a full 180; just practice dialing back 5% and then see what happens. Sometimes people might be okay with a simple yes or no. We don't know. So go test out these assertiveness tips and see how they might improve your relationships.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Concentric Circles of Connection
Use the Concentric Circles of Connection chart to plot how your current relationships are and make adjustments so that the closeness and distinction is just right.
Shifting Relationships
Every time we go through any major life event (positive or negative), it's good to check in with the nature of our current connections.
Such shifting points include:
Getting a new job
Starting or ending a relationship
Upgrading to the “next level” of relationships
Moving to another city, state, country
The pandemic
Losing (or gaining) a job
Sometimes we find out through life experience that our connections maybe aren't as sustainable as we might think of them to be. With some people, we may not actually be as close to as we would like.
Instead of constantly putting yourself out there and then feeling disappointed, or hurt, or realizing that your relationships are super imbalanced, it's good to do a check-in every now and then.
Ask yourself, "Is my connection with someone able to sustain the level of intimacy as I would like?"
The Concentric Circles of Connection
There are many different kinds of friendships. It's not a matter of “Yes, I have friends” or “No, I don’t have friends,” but “What kind of friends do I have?”
Imagine that there are several levels or tiers of friendships.
(The number of levels may change over time, but here’s one way of distinguishing them.)
+: Positive experiences
—: Negative experiences
Tier 1: BFFs (+++———)
At the innermost circle are those who are our Ride-or-Die people. These are the people who know ourselves the best, those with whom we can share our deepest darkest secrets with and they will show up.
The relationship is consistent day after day. They're going to be there for you, no matter what. They’ve explicitly made that commitment clear.
You've cultivated a lot of connection and trust and rapport, and they're also able to sustain the difficult emotions. So, it doesn't mean that you have an equal amount of positive and negative interactions with each other, but this is the depth of experiences that you share with them.
When the best and worst things happen, these are the people you call first.
Tier 2: Close Friends (++——)
These folks have demonstrated that they're trustworthy. They share in your personal hardships and also celebrate your wins. You can have great dinners and heart-to-heart talks.
You're still close to them and deeply enjoy their company, but they're not the first people you would call if something happens. (You’ll eventually catch them up when you do meet.)
Tier 3: Fun Friends (++—)
These are people with whom you have mutual interests and have fun. You might like going to concerts, play board games, or do wine tastings, but when something hard goes on in your life, they're nowhere to be found.
That doesn't mean that they're necessarily a bad friend, but they're just not in your inner circles. That’s okay.
It's important when we come across these kinds of connections that we release them from any expectations for us to rely on them, so that THEY don't feel trapped about what we're going through, and WE don't rely on people who are not readily available for us.
But we can still have a good time! Relationships don’t have to be all-or-nothing, eggs-in-one-basket, intensity-or-bust (Take heed, Enneagram Fours! Not all experiences we have in life are super serious and it's good to learn how to lighten up and to enjoy things.).
It’s good to have a wide range of relationships, even ones where surface-level convos are the norm and where activities serve as the core.
Tier 4: Neighbors (+—)
These people can be co-workers or literal neighbors—people you see pretty often. You know each other's names, how many kids or pets y’all have, generally what might be going on in each others’ lives, but you're not necessarily going to call them up to hang out all the time.
You might share, "Someone hit my car bumper last night, and I'm kind of feeling frustrated," or "Yeah, like my kid is about to do a major performance and super excited about it."
Sometimes, to avoid repercussions in your daily life, you may opt NOT to share things.
You might connect every once in a while, but mostly you see each other in passing, say hello, be polite, be gentle. Other than that, they're not necessarily involved in your lives.
Tier 5: Acquaintances (~)
These are people who are neutral and you don’t share much with at all, good or bad. You know of each other, from a distance. If you don’t hit it off, oh well. It’s not (necessarily) a problem.
Tier 6: Blacklisters (——)
These are people who have demonstrated over and over again that they are NOT trustworthy, and they hurt more than help. They often take way too taking up way too much space in the relationship. It’s all about them, and there’s little room for your own feelings or your experiences.
When you try to speak up for what you need, you get shot down or you get dismissed, minimized, gaslit, etc. As these people are toxic, it's generally good to have strong walls up and give them minimal information.
Sometimes these people are those who used to be your closest friends, and sometimes they're family members. It's really really hard and painful in those situations, but the cost for not putting up those boundaries is that you get more and more diminished.
Emotions like resentment, guilt, shame, anxiety are all evidence that someone who belongs in the outer tiers are too close to you. Sometimes they barge in, sometimes you give them an inch and they take a mile.
They may still be valuable as human beings, so they deserve a base level of human dignity (don't be mean to them), but don't give out your personal information (including what’s going on in your life) because they might use it against you.
These are people you interact with where afterwards you feel bad about yourself or your life. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE; GTFO.
Is everyone in their rightful tiers?
To maintain health and longevity, do an audit of your current relationships. List 10 people you often see these days, and indicate what your general interaction is like with + and —.
Tier 1 (BFFs): +++——— (can handle both strong positive and strong negative experiences):
Tier 2 (Close Friends): ++—— (similar as BFF, but not first pick)
Tier 3 (Fun Friends): ++— (mostly pleasant, but not as deep)
Tier 4 (Neighbors): +— (neutral, frequent but surface level)
Tier 5 (Acquaintances): ~ (neutral, little sharing)
Tier 6 (Blacklist): ——— (consistently negative)
Plot these individuals onto the Concentric Circles chart (download here). What do you notice?
Some questions to think of:
Are there people who have more access to you than they deserve?
If you keep experiencing more pain than good with someone (and they refuse to change), it might be time for you to bump them into outer tiers.
This does not make them lesser of a person, but just relocates them to where the relationship can actually handle the level of intimacy. When people stay closer than they’re supposed to, that increases the risk that the relationship will implode or explode, resulting in that person being sent to the Blacklist.
Find the right amount of intimacy that is sustainable.Are there some people who have demonstrated trustworthiness that you can give more access to?
Sometimes, those you never expected to be close to may become some of your closest people. Be open to trying out new levels of intimacy until you hit a limit - that might be the new equilibrium point for the next season of your life.
Changing Needs, Shifting Tiers
You may find that there are some people who kind of move back and forth between different tiers—that's totally okay!
Be open to having relationships of varying mobility. Remember, it’s not all-or-nothing.
As we change and grow in life, our needs and wants change. We need to shift our connections to match the new level of personal growth.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Therapy with Ibi - Anxiety, Insomnia, Relationships
Join me and fellow therapist, Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, as we chat about toxic relationships, couples counseling, therapy for Christians, and the misconceptions of therapy.
Introducing…Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, LMFT
Joanne: This week we have a special guest who is sharing about her practice today. Let’s just jump right in. Can you share about yourself, the things you love, what you focus on, a bit about your journey.
Ibinye: My name’s Ibinye. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist for women and couples in California. I like to focus on anxiety and insomnia. I also focus a lot on people who were raised in toxic environments—teaching them how to break those generational cycles, speak up for themselves, be assertive, and just live a life out of the box. I also help couples move their relationship from boring and feeling like roommates to actually feeling passionate and feel like lovers again.
Who Is Therapy For?
Joanne: During this pandemic period with things kind of rolling back, in your work with people, has there been one question that you’ve been getting asked often with that?
Ibinye: Yes, two questions actually.
“Can Black women go to therapy?” They usually whisper when they ask. “I’m Black, can I go to therapy? Is that a thing?” Yes! That’s a thing!
“Is it okay for Christian to go to therapy?” People want to make sure. And I’m like, “Yes! I’m a Christian! That’s fine. Yes, you can see me; you can talk to me.” There’s nothing unbiblical about therapy.
Joanne: A lot of hush hush. What do you sense that’s about?
Ibinye: It’s about the shame, the rules, the legalities, and the upbringing that says:
Keep all your business within the church.
Keep all your business within the home.
Don’t tell anyone your problems.
With the faith-based shame, it’s this idea that if you have any struggles, if you’re anxious, if you’re depressed, if you’re crying, then you’re not reading your Bible, or you don’t have the holy spirit within you, or you’re clearly not going to church enough. Something’s wrong with you. There’s a lot of shame that I see.
How Therapy Works through Shame
Joanne: The message that something’s wrong with you, you need to be better, all the variations of that. And within your work of the people who reach out to you, how do you help them get unstuck from that? It’s great that they’ve already got unstuck enough to reach out, but how do support them?
With the Christians—for those that want Biblical-based counseling—we go into scripture. My favorite person that we talk about is David. He seems sad a LOT. He was struggling a lot, there was a lot going on with him, his life isn’t perfect, yet we read that he was anointed by God. Then they’re like, “wait a minute, that’s true.” Then it’s okay to seek out help.
For intergenerational stuff, I ask them some questions about their relationships and families. Things like:
Let’s look at your grandma’s relationship with grandpa, or grandma’s relationship with mom.
How has that worked out for them?
How has that worked out for you?
What you’ve been doing for the past 50 years, 40 years, 30 years, does it feel like it works well for you?
A lot of times they’ll respond with, “No—even though that’s the way I was raised and I’m just trying to walk the line, it doesn’t really work well for me.” I say, “Well, would you be open to trying something that possibly could work for you.” And they’re like, “Yeah, as long as you don’t tell my mom!” Legally, I can’t tell your mom anything anyway, so you get to do whatever you get to do. As they get to start trying new things, they find they start feeling a lot lighter and a lot happier. The anxiety isn’t feeling so heavy anymore and their families get used to their new behavior like, “Okay, I guess this is how she is now.”
Joanne: I kind of imagine that with a lot of these entrenched patterns or ways of experiencing and responding to life, it would be great if families responded well with, “Oh this is how it’s going to be going forward,” but I imagine there are some people who don’t have that experience. For those folks whose families or communities are not as supportive, what would you say to them?
Ibinye: We talk about the depth of tradition and how difficult it is to break from tradition. Everyone is just trying to play this role, whether it’s a church role, cultural role, racial role, whatever that is. I talk to them about finding support from like-minded people. I think that’s so important because sometimes your family or your church or religious body is not your support system. Sometimes they are the ones who are doing harm to you. Sometimes they’re the ones that trigger a lot of the difficult emotions you are going through. I empathize with them and help them understand that those are very common patterns, unfortunately. But outside of that, I ask questions to get them thinking about new connections:
Who are the people who are adding people to your life?
Who are the people who are filling your cup?
Who is helping you feel great?
Those are the people to run to. I don’t say cut off your family or stop going to church, but how about building new relationships? Once they start to experience what those positive relationships look like, it really helps in the healing process. It doesn’t mean that everything is going to end with a bow wrapped on top of it. There’s still a lot of grief work left to be done. But they realize the pain of staying in that tradition is sometimes much greater than the joy of finding this new life and finding your voice and new ways of being, and just being yourself.
What Are Toxic Relationships?
Joanne: In a lot of moments, there are some terms that people have a certain understanding of, and I think toxic relationships are one of those words. They have some idea in their mind of what it looks like, but it might be more much multifaceted and varied. Same with anger—that it’s not just always the rage-y explosive types. There are so many other ways anger can show up. So how would you define and describe toxic relationships? What does it tend to look like in the people you work with?
Ibinye: Toxic relationships FEEL DAMAGING. They are relationships that feel uncomfortable and they often feel like they’re being done maliciously. Very often when clients come to see me, I ask about family relationships, like “how is your relationship with family members?” They say “Fine, everything’s fine.” And then after a while, they describe toxic relationships they’re in without realizing it. Things like:
Every time I leave this person’s presence, I feel exhausted.
I can’t wear that to this person’s house because she’s going to make a bad comment.
I have to change who I am.
I have to be extra quiet when I’m in the presence of this person or else she’s going to say something negative.
Decorative. A child has duct tape over their mouth.
It’s almost like feeling like you cannot be authentic, you can’t be you in the presence of someone, feeling drained after you leave that person. That’s how people typically experience toxic relationships, and sometimes it’s not even overt. Sometimes people aren’t actually saying direct things or throwing direct jabs. It might be a look, a glance, a whisper, or a passive-aggressive comment that they make constantly. You feel like you’re drowning when you’re around them, and nobody around you can see that. Or sometimes it feels like you’re drowning and they’re the ones who pushed you to the deep end and they’re standing there with their arms crossed like, “Oh well, let’s see if she can get herself out of this.”
Joanne: Are there instances where someone’s in toxic relationships and they don’t know?
Ibinye: All the time. We think that you cannot love someone who feels toxic to you. Sometimes it’s the very people that we love. It could be spouses, best friends, family members, people in your religious organizations, coworkers, bosses you respect—anyone around us can exhibit toxic behavior. So I often say, go by that feeling that you get:
You can’t hold your head up high.
You feel exhausted when you’re around them.
You feel like you have to put up a show or put up an act when you have to be with that person.
If that’s what you feel when you’re around a person, then something’s off about that behavior. But I always say don’t tell people that they’re toxic. Like, don’t walk up to your mom and say, “Dear mom, you’re toxic.” It’s not going to go well.
Joanne: One of the things I’m hearing is one sign that of whether you’re in a toxic relationship is how you feel while anticipating meeting with a person or how you feel during and afterward. Are there people who feel numb?
Ibinye: Absolutely. Some people feel nothing when they’re with toxic people. Other times you find that there’s lots of jealousy and competition in toxic relationships. So there sometimes will not be this spirit of cooperation that we all want to be able to have, that support around us. In toxic relationships, it’s almost like somebody has to be in charge. There’s a dynamic of power and control sometimes where somebody always has to get the last word in; it’s difficult to agree to disagree.
Sometimes there’s this back and forth of:
“You’re wrong and I’m right.”
“But are you open to—?”
“No, I’m not open.”
Or there’s the thing with tradition:
“This is how it’s always been.”
“But that’s hurting me.”
It’s shutting down those feelings saying they aren’t real. “It’s not my fault you’re sad. You’re sad because something’s clearly wrong with you and you’re too sensitive. If you learn to stop being sensitive, you won’t be sad when I make these aggressive comments to you.”
Joanne: I’m hearing that one sign that someone might be toxic is that they’re so rigid and one-sided, not open to hearing the other person’s experiences, let alone validating them, controlling, telling the other person what to do, the other person doesn’t have a say, their feelings don’t matter, their emotions don’t matter, etc. What does someone do when they find out that they’ve been doing those things?
Ibinye: Sometimes that’s how we’re raised and that’s what we see around us, so that’s just what we do. It’s not easy because if you’re used to that dynamic of being cutthroat and cutting people down—all of those difficult behaviors—then I say, “Okay, take a moment to pause and think how would you feel if that were done to you.”
The interesting thing is even when you exhibit toxic behaviors, you don’t enjoy it when the behavior is done back to you. You don’t feel warm and fuzzy when someone has that aggressive interaction with you. Even though that’s all you know, it doesn’t feel great on the inside. So take a moment and pause. I ask, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” And they’ll say, “I’d be upset and I’d attack them back.” Okay, if that behavior triggers that big emotion back in you, then maybe let’s think of another way to talk about this.
We do a lot of practice in assertive communication as opposed to aggressive communication. We also talk about making amends because it’s very important. Not necessarily in the AA way, but it’s okay to take responsibility for your behavior. It’s okay to go back and apologize and say, “I noticed that I’ve been damaging to you, toxic to you, hurtful to you. I noticed that you’ve felt uncomfortable in my presence and I’m sorry.” We also talk about “I” statements. Not “because you’re so sensitive, that’s why I was so damaging to you.” No, we can’t do that. How to really talk and communicate with people and to attune with other people’s emotions we learn how to do some of those things.
Joanne: So some signs of someone who is not toxic and who is safe and quality are those who are able to consider another person’s experiences, their own impact on the other person, being able to articulate their own experiences (those “I statements”), and—I think this is a pretty significant one—taking responsibility for your own stuff. The world would be so different if more of us knew how to do that.
Ibinye: Absolutely. You don’t have to be perfect. So, safe does not equal perfect. Nobody is perfect. We make mistakes and mistakes are quite okay. I find when people are raised in toxic environments, it goes hand-in-hand with perfectionism because if you’re anything short of perfect, you will be attacked or shunned or something will happen to you that won’t feel good. So there’s this idea of “I need to be perfect because I don’t want anyone to say anything negative about me, I don’t want to be the butt of anyone’s jokes, I don’t want anyone to look down on me.” It’s about learning that imperfections are just a part of the human experience. Some things you do great, some things you don’t do great, and that’s okay.
Joanne: So perfectionism can be a way that a person is trying to take care of themselves, but it usually doesn’t lead to that outcome.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia
Joanne: You and I could talk about toxic relationships all day because that’s my jam too. Relationships, emotions, all that. But I noticed you focus on other areas as well, like insomnia and supporting couples in their relationships. Could you share a bit more about each of those?
Ibinye: With insomnia, I do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for it. The idea behind it is, the way you think about sleep can greatly affect your sleep. The people who struggle with sleep have a lot of anxiety behind their sleep, and all day long, they think, “I wonder if I’m going to sleep” or it’s negative, “I know I’m not going to sleep tonight.” Sometimes they walk into their room, see the bed, and think, “I’m going to be tired tomorrow.” Already thinking future-focus negative thoughts about sleep, which stirs up anxiety and most of us cannot sleep when our bodies are under that kind of sleep. Or you’re laying in bed and willing yourself to sleep. “I’m closing my eyes really tight and I will force my body to shut down.” These unconscious thoughts and behaviors unbeknownst to us are increasing insomnia. With CBT insomnia, I teach clients how to create a great sleep environment, how to change behaviors so they can support sleep, and how to work on those unconscious, automatic thoughts, so we can start to think positive, sleep-promoting thoughts.
Joanne: I should’ve done this Live with you a couple of days ago because I could’ve prevented this last night! Trying harder to sleep makes it worse! I know that you have a useful resource you’ve put together, can you talk about that?
Ibinye: I have a free download and it’s just five myths that are keeping you awake and how you can finally sleep. 5 myths most people with insomnia believe are the golden truths about sleep—those are typically keeping us awake, and then I answer, “let’s debunk this myth” and here’s how you can finally sleep.
Couples Therapy: How to Love and How to Communicate
Joanne: And what’s been fun about working with couples?
Ibinye: I enjoy working with couples because when they come to me, they are like, “we are not communicating, we are arguing all the time, but we want this to work.” Or sometimes one person is like, “I don’t know, I’m on the fence” and one person is like “I really want this to work.” It’s really about teaching them how to respect one another, how to find friendship again, and how to communicate. That is key. How to communicate, how to respect one another, how to see your partner, and how to love your partner how your partner wants to be loved, not the way you think they need to be loved. I think a lot of couples get into trouble with that one.
Joanne: What is an exercise you might do with a couple that comes in having trouble loving the other person well?
Ibinye: I always point to the 5 love languages. They take the quiz on the 5 love languages together so that they can understand what each love language is, and then in session, we talk about the results of the quiz and each partner will explain examples of things that fill their cup. Some questions I ask them are:
What are some things that your partner does that you truly enjoy? (We always try to play to each person’s strengths and things that ARE working. It’s not about, “You don’t know your partner and you’ve dropped the ball.”
What are some things that your partner is already doing that really excited you and make you feel seen? (Then we talk about how the partner can do more of that.)
What are some other things your partner can do?
Then I go to the other partner and ask, “So, now that you’re hearing their perspective, what are two things things that you think you can do that can make your partner happy and loved?” And then that’s their homework.
Couples are typically busy and cannot find time, so I encourage them to prioritize “couples time” by pulling up their phones and putting it in their calendar. We also set rules together, but I don’t set the rules for them. They set the rules for themselves. Some of those rules might look like:
No phones
No social media
You have to sit with me
You have to hold my hand
Once everyone is in agreement, I teach them how to speak up for themselves, how to communicate, and then it’s always about validation. We talk about how to validate each other even when they don’t agree with each other. I also normalize that disagreements are going to happen. Because you are a couple doesn’t mean you have to be one mind and love all the same things. But everything doesn’t have to be an argument. If one person loves red, one person loves blue, “It’s fine. Okay, I can see how you love red; I happen to love blue.” It’s fine and doesn’t have to be an argument.
The Five Love Languages
Joanne: Can you go over the five love languages?
Ibinye: Love languages aren’t just for people who are coupled up. They are for kids, for coworkers, friends, loved ones. All humans have love languages, which is just the way they like to be loved.
Quality time. It’s basically spending time with your partner but in a way where your partner is attuned with you. People who’s love language is quality time, they like people to spend time with them where you’re actually looking at them, you’re chatting with them, listening to them, and that’s how they also love other people.
Acts of service. “You made my bed for me, you brought my meal to for me, you fixed my bike for me.” Doing things for the other person. They don’t have to be huge tasks, just simple things like “I loaded the dishwasher today.” perfect!
Touch. That would be people who are huggers, people who love to kiss, hold hands, and things that just feel physically. You can tell kids whose love language is physical touch—they’re the ones who’ll come and give you a hug. Some people when they talk touch your arm lightly or tap you—that’s physical touch.
Gifts. When we think of gifts typically, when I have a couple do the quiz and one of them gets gifts, the other partner is “Oh my gosh, this is about to get expensive.” no! It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t even have to be something you buy. Just the thought behind it that knowing your loved one has spent time crafting or getting something for you. It can even be mixing them a drink and giving it to them.
Word of affirmation. People who want to hear that you love them wanna hear that they’re doing a great job, that you’re proud of them. So, your words are affirming them, loving them, validating their emotions.
Typically I find that couples have different love languages. One could have acts of service and one could have quality time. That’s why it feels like “I don’t feel loved” or “you don’t love me, you don’t appreciate me.” Typically, we love people and show our love in our own love language, so once we learn how to speak our partner’s love language, then they feel like they’re seen and loved.
Joanne: So it’s a way of turning into a person for how they actually are, not how we think they are or how we think they should be. It leads to an acknowledgment and accepting the other person.
Therapy and Therapist Misconceptions
Joanne: So when it comes to the process of therapy, what are some of the myths or misconceptions about therapy that you’ve heard?
Ibinye: I’ve heard a LOT.
Therapy is judgmental.
Your therapist will tell you what to do.
Your therapist will shame you and judge you.
Therapy is exactly like talking to a friend, so what’s the point? They aren’t going to teach you anything.
If you go to a therapist, then they’ll put you on medication, and then you’ll be on medication for the rest of your life.
Therapists just want to stick you to a very strict diagnosis.
I think sometimes how TV portrays therapists, people are surprised that I laugh a lot or they didn’t expect me to be this nice. I’ve heard people be worried that I will tell everyone their business and put it on social media. No! There’s confidentiality'; I don’t do that.
Joanne: So what would you say therapy is?
Ibinye: Therapy is a process of getting you to where you want to be. The reason I’m keeping it so vague is because we don’t tell you where you need to be. The way I work is; I ask what you would like your life to look like in 6 months or a year, they tell me, and we work towards that. We start by exploring different aspects of their lives:
What would you want your social relationships to look like?
What would you like to feel when you wake up in the morning?
We talk about career. What do you feel is standing in your way?
It’s a process of really getting to know yourself. A process of getting to heal difficult emotions that keep us stuck or afraid or stagnant. Learning how to create relationships with yourself and with those around you so we can learn how to thrive. I know it’s sort of nebulous how I’m describing it, but that’s the best description I can come up with.
Joanne: There’s such diversity in individuals anyway. Everyone’s goals and desires are different and there’s no need to pigeonhole people into one way of growing or healing. For example, one person’s work could be how to do anger less or how to have better ways of doing anger, but for another person, it might be how to practice anger more. Either one could be really healing for a particular person and their relationships. What other resources do you have available apart from?
Ibinye: Currently, I am enrolling for the women of color online support group. It started because when the pandemic hit, I kept hearing from women of color say, “I just feel alone. I feel like there’s so much going on and I have no one to talk to.” But they weren’t just talking about seeing a therapist, they were talking about a community of women who knew what they were going through. So, it’s a place where they don’t have to be so perfect and don’t have to be the caretaker all the time.
You get to sit, connect with other women of color who understand some of the struggles you are going through, get to support you through it. We tackle different topics; we talk about race and racism and how to maneuver that. Of course, we aren’t going to solve racism in 8 weeks, but we talk about how to maneuver that so it doesn’t feel like something that’s strangling you all the time. We talk about ways to take care of yourself. What can self-care look like? How to build self-care, self-confidence, and how to ask for help because most of the majority of the women that I talk to do not ask for help ever. It’s an 8-week group, we meet once a week for 8 weeks and you just leave feeling like some of the burdens have been taken off your shoulders. That’s why it’s called Lay Down Your Burdens.
Looking for support?
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Moving on from Toxic Relationships
Listen to a conversation with Melissa Moore on Faith Hope Love about the different types of toxic relationships and shared resources and tools for stronger, healthier connections.
Here’s a video about moving on from toxic relationships. Melissa Moore from the podcast “Faith Hope Love with Melissa Moore” invited me to talk about dealing with trauma. Scroll down for a transcript. Follow Faith Hope Love on Youtube.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
I’ll start from what a healthy relationship is and then work backward. If we think about ourselves as images of God, everyone is SO DIFFERENT even though we’re all uniquely created. We’re given reflections of different aspects of God. Some of us reflect back His passion, some of us reflect back His holiness. With each of our differences, it’s not necessarily meant to be opposed to each other. It doesn’t have to be an either/or arrangement. IT CAN BE BOTH. So we think about healthy relationships through that vantage point. These connections are one where there’s ENOUGH ROOM in the connection for each person to be themselves. Have their own needs, own values, own opinions, and still be powerful sons and daughters in the Kingdom.
If there isn’t enough room in those connections for each person, this is how we go down the toxic relationship route. There are two different options (although we tend to see one as an example of toxic relationships more than the other):
APATHETIC Relationships
ENMESHED Relationships
Apathetic Relationships
When there isn’t enough room in our connections for both people to be fully themselves, then sometimes there’s enough “room” in the relationship by both parties going off and doing their own thing. In a marriage, for example, that might be a couple living under the same roof as if they’re roommates, but they don’t spend a lot of time together.
This could also be with other kinds of connections, like family members where there’s barely any interaction throughout the year until the holidays roll around. And when the holidays roll around, it’s super awkward. So that is an example of a relationship where there isn’t enough room for them to coexist at the same time. Because there’s not a lot of interaction, there isn’t really a knowing of each other or revealing of oneself.
That type of relationship is what I call an “apathetic relationship.” There’s a huge wall between the two people and both parties are going off in opposite directions. The main message is, “I am me; you are you. There’s no we.” That is an example of a toxic relationship, but it doesn’t usually get labeled as one because it isn’t usually labeled as a relationship. But when there are situations where the connection is forced, for example, with family, that’s how it shows up.
Enmeshed Relationship
The second example of a toxic relationship is what often gets called an “enmeshed relationship.” Sometimes, though, that word enmeshed gets used to describe different relationships that are more culturally informed and more collectivistic. In certain parts of the world, there’s more of an emphasis on society as a whole or the collective. Through our Americanized/Westernized individualistic lens, that gets labeled as being bad. It’s not bad. I want to make that distinction between enmeshed and collectivistic.
What I mean by the “enmeshed dynamic” is when two people are in close quarters and there isn’t enough space between. There’s not enough space for each of them to be. Think of two circles where one is kind of swallowing the smaller one. A lot of ANXIETY, GUILT, SHAME, ANGER, FRUSTRATION—that’s the emotional evidence that there’s way too much fusing of the two people and there’s a lot of reactivity. Each person is not allowed to have their own opinions, but they’re kind of eyeing at the other person to see what they’re going to do.
Often when people think of toxic relationships, they think of this latter group of enmeshed relationships where there’s a lot of controlling, yelling, screaming, throwing objects. Yet, even within that enmeshed dynamic are things like guilt-tripping or not allowing the other person to have time with their own friends, etc.
So, this is a spectrum; there’s not categorical difference. It’s just that more often than not in a “toxic” couple, it’s likely that one person is leaning more towards enmeshed and one leans more toward apathetic. So in other words, we call this the PURSUERS and WITHDRAWERS. This is a common couple that shows up in couples’ therapy where one person is like, “we need to spend all of our time together,” and the other person is like, “we don’t need to spend all of our time together.” Usually, they come in a set.
Everyone Has Their Own Individual Needs
I work with a lot of healers, and there’s a reason for that. It’s because how they serve others often is a reflection of them trying to do their own trauma work. They just do it accidentally. Because of their own families of origin or childhoods, they haven’t been given a lot of experience of having their needs recognized as valid and being given space and permission to cultivate their individuality.
These individuals find their worth and value being very much connected with how they connect with other people. So, BURNOUT, RESENTMENT, feeling GUILTY about doing self-care—those are the common reasons why people reach out to me. It’s not because they want to be a better healer per se, but it’s because they’ve done that too much to the point of depleting themselves. However, they still have needs, and that might be a rude awakening for them. So, in their work with me, we unpack like, “okay there are some relationship dynamics that have been celebrated in your family of origin or maybe all of society, and that’s not sustainable.”
So how do we go from whatever your relationship dynamic is (enmeshed or apathetic) where there isn’t enough space for both of you, to shifting towards and creating a different kind of relationship where there is space for both of you to fully exist in your individuality. Neither party is inherently good or bad, but when there is empathy or connection, it’s a true connection. It’s not a result of someone having to sacrifice themselves for the other party’s needs.
Using Outside Information to Understand the Self
The healers who reach out to me tend to be depleted because they’re doing two people’s work instead of just their own and having their partner or family member or friend do their own respective work. That part is super hard because their bodies have been trained to OVERLY take on responsibility. That’s a conversation in of itself, but it is a way for the person to feel in control in some sense, but they accidentally end up stealing the other person’s opportunity to do their own work and grow.
We tend to connect with other people in the way that we're used to in life, so it’s really hard to change ourselves and our ways when we’re using ourselves as a reference guide. It’s not going to work because the reason why we got to where we are now is because we got here by consulting ourselves.
Often, anything that involves a person learning or gaining information from the outside—books, podcasts, seminars, therapy, other relationships, etc.—are all fantastic ways by which we get to learn about ourselves.
To give you an example, I am a first-born, second-generation Korean American, meaning my family moved to the States from Korea, and I thought for the longest time that it was totally normal for dads to live part-time in the States and part-time in Korea. In Korea, there’s a word for this, it’s called “albatross dad.” A lot of it happens to be when the father is like a traveling professor or based on work. I thought that was super normal until I was in college, Thanksgiving was about to come around, and my friends were telling me what they were going to do with their family. It was the weirdest thing hearing them say they’re going to hang out with their dad. I was like, “how does that make any sense.”
Sometimes we learn more about ourselves when interacting with other people or gaining information from the outside.
Resources to Help You Move on from Toxic Relationships
There are some books/resources I recommended. The two favorite ones are called Safe People written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (the same people who wrote the book on boundaries) and Radical Candor written by someone who worked on a lot of companies in Silicon Valley.
Radical Candor is when a person is able to have HIGH REGARD for BOTH themselves and others at the same time. And when one is missing, you get one of the other three arrangements. Those three arrangements are:
Obnoxious aggression—when there’s only room for one’s own needs and not for others.
Insincere manipulation—when a person is neither particularly caring about themselves or the other person.
Ruinous empathy—where there’s a high regard for other people, but very low regard (fi at all) for themselves. This group is mainly the people I work with.
All three of those don’t fall in the radical candor category. Part of the work that they do in therapy is to learn how to balance out how to regard for themselves just as much as they do for other people. Often the fear is “if I take care of myself, I’m taking away from other people. No, you’re taking care of yourself JUST AS MUCH AS you do for other people.
There’s some retraining from messages they’ve picked up growing up or from their own churches or society at large. A lot of women and minorities fall into that category. It is an example of empathy is not always a good thing in the same way that hope is not always a good thing. There are healthy ways of doing it; there’s an unhealthy way of doing it. In the same way, there are definitely unhealthy ways of doing guilt and anger (which is how most people know them), but there are instances where anger and guilt are absolutely necessary.
Rounding out the full spectrum of emotions, considering oneself as just as important as the other person, it’s not EITHER/OR, it’s BOTH/AND—Safe People and Radical Candor are my go-to resources for that.
Process of Cultivating Healthier Relationships
Transitioning from toxic relationships to cultivating healthier ways of maintaining connections is a very gradual process. If people could simply choose healthy relationships, they would’ve done it already. It’s a very gradual process because our own bodies resist sudden changes. It’s the reason why dieting programs don’t work.
It’s an equilibrium point where healthy people are not drawn to unhealthy people and unhealthy people aren’t drawn to healthy people for very different reasons. Healthy people aren’t drawn to unhealthy people because it’s too chaotic; unhealthy people aren’t drawn to healthy people because it’s too boring. People have a very visceral reaction internally, where sometimes—even for people who lean more towards unhealthy even though they’re wanting to grow—their bodies RESIST something that would be more lifegiving because the nervous system has been so trained to object that upfront as a way of preventing an even deeper, scarier, pain.
I work with a lot of ruinous empathy, a lot of healers, a lot of compassionate responsible types. A lot of people have opportunities to choose a healthy relationship where the other person really cares about them, but they turn that down because it’s scarier for them to be an actual healthy relationship because what happens if it falls apart? That means it confirms that “nobody is going to love me.” That happens on a very subconscious level; it’s not something people deliberate, but that’s the degree to which there’s such deep physiological wiring within the brain.
In the last episode, we talked about how the brain isn’t just one brain, the thinking part, but it’s also the emotional and reflexive part, all these parts are interconnected, so you can’t just pick and choose what to focus on. Some people will have very visceral reactions where they push away good things. This probably shows up in the way people do their own faith relationships with God. God is trying to give them all these good experiences, but the person is like “no, I’m unworthy” and reject it upfront. So you can take the relationship with God as a significant attachment relationship, so the stuff I’m talking about applies there too. It’s fascinating especially with Christian circles how much that ruinous empathy piece kicks in. It’s not healthy y’all. There is something that’s far, far, greater and deeper, but we’ve assumed that that is what is healthy.
Toxic Relationships in the Bible
I think there are many more examples of toxic relationships in the Bible than there are healthy ones. I do want to quickly touch on the fact that toxicity doesn’t mean the same thing as abuse. There is a kind of toxicity in relationships, and it’s called neglect. Oftentimes abuse and neglect get lumped together in one, but they are very different. Abuse is the PRESENCE of a BAD thing; neglect is the ABSENCE of a GOOD thing. We must consider both of those things at the same time.
Let’s consider the first book of the Bible, Genesis. I think the bulk of that book is about Joseph. We cover several generations of his family—Abraham, Issac, Jacob, and Joseph at the end. I think that’s one of the clearest examples of there being so much drama between family members. There’s lying, cheating, favoritism, exclusions, rivalry, competition, all kinds of stuff. That happened because each generation didn’t do their personal work.
Now, these are the fathers of the faith, Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, people will speak very highly of them, but actually, the chapters that describe what happened in the subsequent generations is because the previous generations didn’t do their work. There are patterns in these dynamics, like lying, cheating, etc. So when it comes to Joseph, I think his experience shows why it’s so important for people to do their own personal work and what happens afterward.
We see Joseph after he has been sold by his brothers and spent all this time completely cut off from his family. His parents thought he was dead, but in seeing and reconnecting with his brothers as the second in command in all of Egypt, I think if I was in his position, I would’ve made some very different decisions with all that power. There could’ve been moments of retaliating and punishing, and I wouldn’t blame him. But there is one particular section where it talks about how he sent his brothers out, and he just cried. I would say he probably wasn’t crying solely because he was sad, crying isn’t just about sadness, he was probably full of rage, full of hurt, feeling hopeless and powerless, and he wrestled with God when he was thrown into the hole in the ground and into the prison, he had a really rough life. In each of those moments, he struggled with God like, “how do I make sense of this awful thing that happened” that he had no control over and nothing to do with. The worst thing he did was maybe brag to his brothers that he had a cool coat. There’s nothing that he’d experienced that was warranted from what he did when he was a child.
By the time we get to the end of Genesis and before we read about his sons going forward, there’s that scene that’s so moving about how he was so struggling internally while he was trying to do the right thing. If I were to choose any Bible story to highlight why therapy is so important, it would be that. It’s saying that you have a responsibility to shift how things go going forward. It is not your fault that you experienced all this stuff, but you technically have power and influence in what happens going forward, so will you take that shot or not? That’s the big question a lot of people are presented with, especially for parents.
Tools for Understanding Your Relationship History
A big part of helping people through toxic relationships is helping them understand their relationship history. Most people will be able to recall certain events that have happened in their life, but they will probably consider those events in isolation and unrelated. There are a few exercises I do for this. One is the Top 10 list. They write down their top 10 best memories and top 10 worst memories. They put it all on a single sheet of paper, and after they’re all done, they zoom out and see if there are any patterns between those different events. Because sometimes, when we’re stuck in our ways, it’s hard to tell how those things influence us.
They put those things on a Life Timeline, positive memories above, negative memories below. It gives them a bird’s-eye-view. It helps people draw connections that were always there but just didn’t show up in the same way as they do in these exercises.
Similarly, there is another exercise called the genogram, which is a fancy family tree. Instead of writing down names, there’s information regarding different individual traits—each member of the household, parents’ generation and grandparents’ generation, any big events that any of the family members went through, things like immigration, wartime experiences, traumas of actual events or growing up in a very harsh neighborhood, etc. All those things get added onto this diagram that reveals also the relationship dynamics between individuals. It’s a very visual image.
I have one for Ross Geller to see how there are so many things that are going on between different members that are not always visible. It’s not always a physically explicit event, but when grandpa shows up, everyone turns their heads elsewhere. Those things, when we see it in visual form, it’s like, “okay now I can take my genogram and next time I see my family for Thanksgiving it’s like, oh yeah, there’s a lot of stuff happening that never occurred to me because this is the air that I breathed growing up.”
These are the exercises are super helpful so instead of me telling people what to do differently, unless they know how they’ve been up to this point, it’s really hard to change what you don’t know. The other two resources, the Safe People and Radical Candor books are other frameworks for people to locate themselves and know what to do going forward.
In the last post, I talked about the Enneagram, which people may have mixed feelings about, but it’s one of the ways by which I’ve supported people connected with their core needs, fears, experiences, it’s also what happens in our physical bodies on a nervous system level.
I have videos about relationships and I have a blog page filled with posts about relationships. So, if you’ve connected with some of the things in this discussion today, check out those resources.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
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Don't know your Enneagram type?
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JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Moving on from Trauma
I sat down with Melissa Moore and Faith Hope Love to chat about trauma, its symptoms, and how we can retrain ourselves to move on from trauma.
Here’s a video about moving on from trauma. Melissa Moore invited me to talk about dealing with trauma on the podcast, Faith Hope Love in the Momentum Series. Scroll down for a transcript. And follow Faith Hope Love on Youtube.
Defining “Trauma”
My definition of “trauma” is broader than how it’s formally utilized in the mental health spaces, and part of that is because a lot of the people I work with haven’t necessarily experienced what people consider to be “big traumas” like car accidents or parents divorcing. Since many of these individuals are internally oriented, a lot of them are Highly Sensitive People, etc.
I define “trauma” more openly, so it’s not just the big “T” “Trauma” like those really big, observable events on the outside, but also it could be a LONG, EXTENDED PERIOD OF IRRITATION OR AGITATION. So for example, someone grows up in a home where nobody really acknowledges emotions, or where there’s a lot of criticism. If a person has grown up living and breathing that as the norm, they just assume that that is the normal experience. It’s not until they interact with someone who’s grown up in an entirely different environment where they’re like, “Oh, wait.” Then they look back on their own experiences and redefine or redescribe what they’ve been through.
If I have a formalized definition of trauma that I use with my own clients, I would say that it’s any experience— either OBJECTIVE (being on the outside or observable from the outside) or SUBJECTIVE (meaning felt on the inside) that stirs up HEIGHTENED, intense feelings of feeling OUT OF CONTROL, TRAPPED, OR ASHAMED.
Different Reactions, Same Event
This definition I use is not according to the bible for therapists, the DSM, so it’s not a mental health diagnosis definition, but the reason I expanded the definition is because two people can go through the same event and have very different takeaways. For example, two people can be in the same car when there’s a car accident, and one person will have a really hard time and that’s going to mark how they move forward for the rest of their lives where they feel really guilty or really afraid, whereas the other person in the car is like, “Oh, I’m so thankful I’m still alive!”
That’s one example. Another is, let’s say for a non-intense event, someone who is called out in the middle of a classroom by their teacher in fifth grade and asked to answer a question on the board. Some kids will be like, “Alright, I’ll rise to the challenge and show off what I can do!” Whereas another kid is going to go bright red, fumble over their words and shut down, and that is what might be driving a lot of the things they do as an adult—working really hard so they are never caught in that position again.
I hope that my definition makes it so that a lot people can consider their own experiences and be like, “Oh, yeah that was a hard experience for me, maybe I do need some more support for that, I’m not the only one.”
Symptoms of Trauma
In terms of trauma symptoms, I can use what the DSM uses as indicators. The four main indicators are:
Re-experiencing
Avoidance
Negative cognitions and feelings
Heightened reactivity
Re-experiencing
With re-experiencing, a person in the present is going through a brand new situation with new people, new details, etc., but the situation reminds them or reminds their body of this scary thing that happened in the past. So, this can come in the form of intrusive thoughts, memories, sometimes people may re-experience similar situations in their dreams when they’re sleeping, or they’re in the middle of their workday, and they have a very sudden shift in their thoughts and emotions.
Avoidance
Because it’s so uncomfortable to feel those feelings, people try really hard to avoid anything that remotely reminds them or their body of that situation. So for example, a person experiences a really harsh breakup, and they try really hard to never even drive down the street that they drove down with their previous partner. They are spending a lot of energy and effort trying to not engage with that scary experience or anything that reminds them of it.
Negative Cognitions and Feelings
Understandably, if a person spends a lot of their energy trying to avoid these difficult experiences (even perceived ones), then it’s going to shape how they feel about themselves, how they feel about others, the world, etc. Things like “I’m always going to be in these kinds of relationships,” or “I just can’t trust other people because other people are untrustworthy,” or “the state of the world is not great and it’s always going to be this gloom and doom out there.” Most people who’ve had at least one big trauma or multiple small traumas can live in a way where their perception is colored by their experiences, not reflective of what’s actually happening in front of them.
Heightened Reactivity
With heightened reactivity, the person is generally very irritable, they can be jumpy at different sounds, their moods can change very rapidly. On a nervous system level, their bodies are in this heightened sense of something is going to happen and they have to be extra cautious, which is exhausting to live like that. Even when things are actually okay on the outside, when a person’s body is always tense, even small things may be enough to tip the scale.
Finding Relief for Trauma
It’s helpful for people to know that their well-intended efforts to avoid negative feelings or experiences usually backfire. It’s like trying to stick a beachball underwater. The further down the ball gets stuffed down, the more pressure buildup there is. Eventually, you lose control of it, and it will just pop back up, make a huge splash, everything gets wet and messy.
So, with trauma’s heightened sense of feeling out of control, trapped, or ashamed, our bodies are designed to heal themselves, and triggers are actually attempts for the body to try to heal itself. It’s just that the way by which it’s trying to do so doesn’t always happen at the most convenient moments or in the most helpful ways.
Let’s say a person gets triggered by a word that a friend says. The friend didn’t do anything to cause the pain, but the body is like, “Uh, oh, we’re going to that place again.” When the person gets triggered, if we label that as a bad thing, then yeah, the person should avoid the situation at all costs, but if we re-interpret that as the body’s attempt to try to heal, we get the memo, take it and say, “okay, something inside of me is trying to get my attention. I need to attend to this as soon as possible. It might not be while I’m in the middle of a conversation with my friend or doing work, but I still need to give space to this. Otherwise, it’s going to be that beach ball underwater.”
So part of the way to help oneself heal from trauma is to give more space to the uncomfortable experience, not less. It’s kind of like being on a roller coaster. It’s really intense, there are lots of loops and lots of dizziness, and it seems like it’s going to last a long time, but really it’s two minutes long. The issue is that when people’s bodies get triggered, it’s like being a roller coaster, but the roller coaster gets stuck at the top of the ride. It doesn’t actually make it through to the other side. Because that experience is so intense, people try to get really hard to get off the rollercoaster in the middle of the ride, and it’s just not going to go down well.
Things like brainspotting as a type of therapy is one way for people to get to the other side of resolving the difficult intensity of experience, but there could be many other ways of doing so as well, like performance arts, bodywork like yoga, any kind of journaling exercise where the person is giving intentional space to it. It’s important to manage how much intensity they’re giving to it at a given time, but it’s still important to give more space to it than less. It’s a little bit counterintuitive than what people may expect.
Re-Training our Bodies
The thing is that with trauma, the worst thing has already happened. It’s in the past, it’s one and done. Now, if a person is still in a triggering or traumatic situation, yeah, get out of it as soon as possible. But for most people who’ve had trauma, the trauma is a past event. The worst part has already happened; it’s just that the triggers that our bodies engage in say, “we’re not sure whether that bad thing has actually come to an end.” And so, what’s more likely is that what’s happening right now, the current relationship you’re in, the current work relationship you’ve gotten yourself into, is more likely to be technically better than what’s happened back then, but your body just doesn’t know how to tell the difference.
It’s really hard to make sound decisions when we’re in a lot of confusion. Connecting with a therapist is one way we can have other frames of reference to retrain our bodies to know that what’s happening in front of us should be considered a brand new event, not as an exact replica of what’s happened back then.
I work with a lot of people who are in romantic relationships and their partner has a way about them that ignores emotions. Yeah, the partner has to do their own work for sure. But the way the body interprets what’s happening is as if it’s the same as when they’re getting criticized growing up. Back then, when they were really vulnerable, they really didn’t have any way of soothing themselves. And that’s hard to expect the partner to be able to do the heavy lifting on behalf of those old relationships and previous people.
Body, Mind, and Emotions in Scripture
There’s such intricacy in how our bodies are meant to work together. It’s not just about thinking soundly, addressing emotions, or doing the right thing, all of these are very much interconnected. That’s even reflected in several parts of scripture.
One of my favorite parts is in Romans 12. People have memorized parts 1 and 2. First, it says something like, “Therefore, brothers in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as holy sacrifices.” And then verse 2 is like, “make sure to renew your minds so that you don’t align with the way the world operates.” The first 2 verses are talking about the body and the mind, and the emotions kind of come in at the end in verses 5 and 6. But even then, it’d be doing a great disservice to us, and in a way, a dishonor to God, to consider that only one part of us is important by ignoring the rest.
So it’s kind of like splitting hair sometimes to think about our thoughts, our emotions, and our body experiences as being distinct. They definitely have different roles, but there’s so much interconnection and so much order to them that I think it does highlight the majestic work that God does. It’s not just about memorizing and reciting the proper verses. It’s not about giving full control and full reigns to our emotions, but that we’re supposed to heal in a very intricate way.
An example of that is Jesus with the Bleeding Woman. There’s a lot of layers of healing in that one particular experience. Jesus could’ve just fixed the physical ailment of it; she probably would’ve been happy with that portion of healing. But there’s this whole interaction with making sure she hangs out a little bit longer in a huge crowd of people—that’s healing for the soul portion.
She has been pushed to the side on the outskirts of society and is now given center stage for everyone to see that she is a beloved daughter. That is retraining the mind on how she sees herself and retraining everyone else’s mind on how they should consider her. It’s also a very heightened, emotional, intense experience.
One of the things I mentioned as a marker for when an event is traumatic is heightened, emotional, intense experiences of feeling ashamed. Well, Jesus put this woman front and center saying, you are beloved, you are worthy. It’s not because your bleeding problem has been resolved, but it’s because she is who she is. If you read through parts of the Bible through that lens that our thoughts, emotions, bodies are CONNECTED, then you won’t just see physical feelings for people. When Jesus interacts with different people, you’ll see that there are so many other aspects of pain that Jesus also healed.
Healing Inside and Outside
God wants our healing more than we want our own healing. It’s not just like, God changing our citizenship status to being citizens of heaven. That’s easy. But it’s us about catching up with what our status really means. Not just technically having access to His kingdom and some perks that go with it, but really being inhabitant.
I think the language around adoption is another example of that. I’ve heard a story of adoptees who technically became sons and daughters of a family. But it took a long time before they were able to live knowing that they’re sons and daughters. It’s an entirely different experience altogether. I don’t think it’s just about having a technical change in one’s status or getting enough trauma therapy that you no longer have a mental health diagnosis of PTSD. There are so many needs that are really important beyond just symptom management. God really wants people to receive His powerful healing from the inside out in all areas of our lives.
Healing with the Enneagram and Brainspotting
One of my favorite techniques is the enneagram. As I mentioned earlier, two people can go through the same event and have very different takeaways because their personalities are very different. They’re focusing on different themes, different needs, different fears. So unless we attune to each person for who they actually are, it’s going to be hard for them to find the deep healing that they need.
They both have anxiety, but for different reasons. One person is because they’re comparing themselves to an unbelievably high standard and they will never find themselves able to hit the mark, whereas another has anxiety because they’re super self-conscious of how other people see them. Unless we really know what is going on internally with a person’s personality—which is the way that the person has coped through life—it’s going to take a while. Otherwise, it’s kind of like throwing a bunch of things at them and hoping something sticks.
The metaphor that I use with the enneagram is that you go to the massage therapist and they ask a bunch of questions like, “what would you like attention around today? Are there any areas you want to avoid? Let’s look for some knots that are built into your body and let’s massage them now so you can full access to your whole body all over.” Otherwise, those knots are just pulling away at different areas for extended periods of time.
Brainspotting, which is a form of trauma therapy, is the actual massaging out those knots. It’s a type of trauma therapy that our bodies naturally know how to do. Imagine having a hard experience, and then you go to sleep, and then in the deep, dreaming process, your brain is coming up with all kinds of weird details and scenarios that don’t really make sense, but then that’s kind of how your body metabolizes and works through a lot of those difficult emotions and situations. Brainspotting is when a person does that while they’re awake in therapy.
Instead of falling into the deep end, the therapist is able to pull them out of the deep water when the session is about to end because time’s run out or when things get really intense. So, those are the main two resources that I use when supporting people with different kinds of traumas—brainspotting and the enneagram. A lot of the work that I do is around relationships and difficult emotions. I also do a lot of teaching too about what each emotion means about the person needs. They aren’t as chaotic and random as people think they are. There is a logic to it; it' just doesn’t follow the same rules as intellectual logic.
Borrowing Hope on the Road to Healing
As I mentioned earlier, the worst part has already happened, so even when we experience reminders of that, they are short. They can be overcome, but a lot of it involves courage and encouragement. We were never meant to heal from our experiences alone. So, really connecting with a lot of safe people where you can take off all your masks, and you can show up as yourself, and you know you’re not going to be judged. It’s a really important, essential factor that people need to do the healing work.
Aside from a therapist, friends, or sometimes a family member, our partners might be a huge agent of healing for us. It’s definitely is possible to work through these super scary experiences, and it’s so worth doing the work, and until then, it might be hard to imagine it. So until that time, your safe people—including your therapist or pastor or whoever—you may borrow the hope they have on your behalf. It’s okay if you feel scared or unsure.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Enneagram Type Six: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Sixes (Type 6s) are always prepared for the unexpected, making them excellent troubleshooters and great for supporting teams. But, that default to worst-case scenarios can sometimes make them overly cautious people. Read what it’s like to be a Type Six from Jonathan Siu.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In this post, fellow therapist, Jonathan Siu (husband of Lorren, Type 9) shares what it’s like to be a Type Six.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What does it mean to be an Enneagram Type Six?
Skilled at Preparation, Readiness in the Face of Things that Might Go Wrong
My biggest fear is being unprepared when something goes wrong. There is risk in everything. I can take any scenario and list the risks involved. I can also tell you the good things that are possible, but there are so many things that can go wrong and circumstances can always take a different direction. At home, I ask a lot of “what if’s”. What if we overspend this month? What if someone breaks into the house or it gets burned down? What if our pets get sick or injured?
But I don’t just ask the “what if’s”, I also take a lot of precautions. To help with money management, we use a budgeting app that tells us when we overspend, so we know to spend less the following month. I always triple-check that the doors are locked, the burners on the stove are off, and that the oven is not on. My wife says that I am crazy sometimes. But, on a rare occasion, I catch a door left unlocked, which is exactly why I check all the time. We still haven’t found a solution for pet injuries yet, but we just pray to God that they are safe and don’t get into trouble.
Good Troubleshooters
Not only do I assess the risk, but I also try to figure out what went wrong. I work as a data analyst, and the slightest difference—such as an extra comma—can take an extra afternoon to fix. At home, I spent hours watching Youtube videos trying to figure out how to repair the garage door just to make sure I didn't waste money hiring a repair person.
Don’t get me wrong, it also frustrates me when I don’t get the solution immediately. But, I try to use it as an opportunity to take a step back to breathe, think about the problem more on a macro level, and then come up with a plan for debugging. As my boss says, “There is a logical explanation to everything. We just don’t have the answer yet.” The way I see it, without taking the time to troubleshoot the situations, we will always be stuck in the same situations without a way to move forward.
Protective and Supportive of the Team
I am often the glue of my team. I love to engage in communication one-on-one or in small groups so that I can really get to know people. My teammates were surprised at first with how many details I remember about things that are going on in their lives, but now they have come to know that’s just how I show that I care.
I am protective of my team and anything that may happen to it. If anything goes wrong, I make sure to take the lead and pick up the broken pieces. Because I know my team so well, I know what my team members may be needing and do my best to fill in those gaps. On the flip side, when my team is thriving, I feel broken. I feel that there isn’t a place for me in the team anymore. Similarly, I am very protective of those who I call family and I bend over backward when they have any kind of need. Even if they do not ask for help, I like to find ways to be of support. For example, when my sister was not feeling well, I offered to cook dinner and clean her house for an evening.
When did you first learn you were Enneagram 6?
I found out about the enneagram about 2 years ago. My now-wife was learning about it and typed me as a five at first. A few months after that, we took the enneagram test for pre-marital counseling. It turned out I am a six with a strong five wing. When I found out about my number, my mindset on life suddenly made sense. The reason I am so pessimistic in life is just because I feel insecure and wish to find security.
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Six?
I think many people view sixes as being too cautious or Debbie-downers. They have their point sometimes, but taking a step back to assess the situation is very important to me because it is how I make sure that I am protected. It’s not that I am trying not to have a good time, but it’s a lot easier for me to enjoy myself when I feel like I have my bases covered and am prepared for what might go wrong.
I think making lists is also something about sixes that gets misunderstood. When I am stressed, I also make a lot of to-do lists. However, the lists only temporarily relieve my cognitive load; they don't solve the issue. Things can go wrong, and I need to know what can go wrong. The lists help me think through the issues logically, helping me feel ready for all possibilities.
Lastly, it is hard for me when people get annoyed or frustrated when I take longer to explain my idea or when I may talk in a roundabout way. When this happens I shut down and retreat because I feel that my ideas are not welcomed. I need to know that my thought process is understood, even if it is not the same as yours.
One thing you’re working on to grow beyond your type?
I can definitely be too cautious. My wife has helped me step out of my comfort zone in trying things that I deemed too dangerous. I’ve gone ziplining (the wooden platforms are janky), hiking (you can fall off of a cliff), learned how to drive (as our former pastor said, cars are just metal death traps.) While understanding the risks, and sometimes even hyperbolizing them, I am growing into becoming more okay with adventures. The world is a scary place, but instead of being paralyzed, I am understanding that I have been limiting myself.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Enneagram Type Nine: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Nines (Type 9s) are other-centered people who seek comfort and focus on pleasing others, aiming to ease conflict in their lives. This tendency can lead Nines to fall out of touch with their own emotions, especially with anger. Read about what it’s like being a Type Nine from therapist Lorren Penner.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In this post, fellow therapist, Lorren Penner, shares what it’s like to be a Type Nine.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
What does it mean to be an Enneagram Nine?
Lovers of Comfort
My “happy place” is a crystal-clear, glass-smooth lake surrounded by tall redwood trees that block out the noise from the rest of the world, making for a quiet, truly serene environment. I want so badly for my entire life experience to match that tranquil lake scene.
This leads me to do things such as ignore my own anger in an attempt to keep my inner lake from turning into a boiling hot spring. I might also stick my head underwater for a bit when I feel something unpleasant arising, in hopes that the disturbance will have passed by when I resurface.
Other times, I might stuff my desires away when they contradict someone else’s so that a stone of conflict is not thrown into my lake, causing ripples to spread across the entire surface. I like my life to be comfortable and peaceful, making any change difficult, even when it is something that I strongly desire.
Tendency to Merge
As a peacekeeper, it is so easy for me as an Enneagram 9 to go along with everyone one else in order to not stir the pot. It is so easy that I often forget to even stop and ask myself what I want - I tell myself that all I want is for those around me to be comfortable. If they are comfortable and at peace, I am comfortable and at peace.
It’s like that saying, “happy wife - happy life,” except for 9’s it’s more like, “happy partner, family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, grocer at the supermarket, and guy passing you on the street - happy life.” Just writing that out feels a bit exhausting, but that is how I can tend to spend most of my time if I am not making an effort to tune into my own experience.
It can feel so essential to me that the people around me are taken care of that I forget about the fact that I have feelings and needs as well. If how I feel or what I want goes against the feelings or desires of those I care about it feels incredibly risky to make that fact known.
What if I upset them when I disagree?
What if they cannot accept how I feel?
What if we cannot come to a compromise?
Will this state of disagreement/conflict last forever?
Can I handle that?
If I am completely honest, it is so easy for me to go to this space. And that is when I tend to merge with everyone else because possible negative consequences of being different feel too overwhelming.
Learning how to be more authentic myself, especially when that involves disagreeing with others has taken a lot of practice. Having safe people in my life to practice with has allowed me to discover the gift of being loved and accepted.
Passive Resistance
Just thinking about my own passive resistance makes me cringe! Enneagram 9’s are generally thought of as easy-going, understanding, patient, accommodating, and the like - which we are! But, we also have a very stubborn side to us, and it usually shows up in passive resistance.
Passive resistance is my way of not being controlled by others or made to do something that I do not want to do. I might not tell you “no” outright, but you will soon come to find out that whatever it is you were hoping to have me do is NOT going to happen. Just ask my husband, he’s unfortunately been on the receiving end of this behavior more than I would like to admit.
For me, this tends to show up as taking my time to respond to a question or situation, or not giving an answer at all. On the occasion that I do have to (or choose to) do whatever it is, it looks like carrying out the task in a way that will make you regret that you even asked. See why I cringed? It’s not easy admitting to this stuff!
It is so easy to tell myself that I am a loving person because I do so much to keep others happy. But all of the things I do or do not do in order to keep the peace are for my own selfish gain - to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings.
Living authentically and being in a true community with others very often requires facing uncomfortable things. I have had to learn how to do this first for myself before I could extend this gift to others in my life. Admitting when I feel angry, sad, hurt, embarrassed, or ashamed is so hard for me to do. But it is necessary if I want to avoid inflicting those same feelings on others, intentionally or not. Being honest about my “negative” feelings with myself first gives me the freedom to choose not to act out of passive aggression and instead choose authenticity.
When did you first learn you were Enneagram 9?
I became aware of the Enneagram about four years ago while I was working at a therapy center. Everyone there seemed to be talking about it and knew exactly what they were. It was hard for me to figure out my number at first. I took a few online tests and came up with different results at first, similar to other personality tests I had taken before such a Myers-Briggs. I could identify with aspects of each number and did not really know which one was most “me.”
Once I learned that 9’s tend to identify with all of the other numbers before they identify with themselves, I was pretty sure I was a 9 since that was exactly what I had been doing. I also strongly related to being a peacekeeper and could see that throughout my life I had taken on that role in almost every setting I had been a part of, sometimes at the expense of my own sense of self.
It really hit home for me that I was, in fact, a 9 when I learned about the 9’s tendency to avoid their own anger in order to maintain a sense of inner peace. I really did not want to admit that this is something that I do. “I am accepting of everyone and every feeling,” I told myself, but when I took a deeper look I saw that anger was actually something that I avoided like the plague. Whether it was my own anger, or someone else’s, I had convenient ways of tuning out or just removing myself from the situation.
I had heard that it is often through a dislike or denial of certain aspects of your number that you can confirm what you are. The 9’s relationship with anger and tendency toward sloth did that for me. The sloth part is still something I am in a bit of denial about!
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Nine?
Any little thing you do that might brush aside our preferences or ideas feels 10 times stronger than it may have been intended. Because we tend to live in a space of denying ourselves, when we are brushed aside it feels as if it really is best for the world that we do not have our own thoughts/feelings/desires. We need constant invitations and reminders to show up as ourselves and share our gifts/ideas/talents with the world. And we need you to be ok with us showing up as different than you.
We are not trying to be difficult when we say we don’t know - if we haven’t taken the time to really check in with ourselves we honestly don’t know how we are feeling or what we want or need. Our default mode is to be aware of all other perspectives and go along with everyone else. It is what feels like the best way to keep things calm and steady. We are not used to having our own agenda, so please be patient with us as we figure out what we want or how we feel.
It can be hard for us to recognize when we are tuning out our anger or acting in sloth, and we need you to be gentle with us when you call it out. It takes effort for us to connect with our own experience, and we can easily feel overwhelmed.
When we tune out or stop doing the things we need to do, we need a safe space to connect with ourselves and figure out the source of our overwhelm. A gentle acknowledgment of our experience when you see us acting out our overwhelm can help us move into processing it - harsh words will likely cause us to spiral deeper.
One Thing You’re Working on to Grow Beyond Your Type
I am working on being more tuned into myself so that I can live more authentically. I am trying to see this as a gift, not only to myself but to the world around me. When I can hold space for all of my feelings, including anger, I can choose how I want to show up in the world. When I can admit my feelings to myself and others I can have honest conversations that deepen and strengthen relationships rather than passively sabotaging them. If I am to be truly present as myself I have to include all of my feelings and desires.
Keeping the peace at the cost of showing up authentically with all of me is not really keeping the peace, it is putting up a facade. Things might look peaceful, and they might even feel that way for a bit, but the turmoil is still there.
In order to create true peace, I have to be brave and face the things that scare me. I have to accept that peace does not mean my inner lake is never disturbed, but that I can be ok even when the water gets rough.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Have Great Conversations
Find out which question words (who, what, where, when, why, & how) make for great connections in conversations.
Much like rallying in tennis, great relationships are built on back-and-forth conversations. One person can’t do all the work, and both parties must be engaged and take responsibility in continuing the connection.
However, different ways of “serving” or “hitting” the conversational ball make a huge impact on whether your partner can return the volley, which influences how well you can do the same, etc.
These “serves” show up in what’s known as the Journalistic Six Questions, AKA the six “WH” questions:
WHO
WHAT
WHEN
WHERE
WHY
HOW
These journalistic questions are designed to gain more information about the other person. However,
🔴 ONE is a bomb that blows up the convo with collateral damage,
🟡 THREE/FOUR are duds that lead to dead ends, and
🟢 TWO are gems that lead to greater intimacy.
So, which one is which?
WHO, WHEN, WHERE: These Lead Nowhere
The three questions, WHO, WHEN, and WHERE are what’s called CLOSED questions: once the other party answers the question, the conversation’s done and you’re basically stuck with needing to ask another question if you want it to continue.
Some examples?
WHO - Who did you have lunch with the other day?
WHEN - When was your doctor’s appointment?
WHERE - Where are you from?
Sometimes WHAT joins into the mix:
WHAT - What’s your major?* What do you do?*
*This the most commonly asked question in college and post-grad and is the MOST BORING QUESTION EVER.
These questions are useful every once in a while, but try not to rely on these as the conversation becomes very dry and your convo partner doesn’t know what to do next (except maybe to ask YOU these same questions).
*Cue awkward silence*
WHY: AVOID the NUKE
One of the most commonly asked questions is also one of the deadliest. WHY is intended to ask about the other person’s intentions or reasons, but often the convo explodes and goes a completely different direction, leaving a trail of dead bodies in its wake.
WHY is this? It’s NOT because the contents of the question itself are bad. Rather, it’s because often the underlying tone (whether the asker actually meant it or not) leads the listener to feel like they’re feeling interrogated.
Let’s say that someone asks you these questions:
Why did you go to the store?
Why did you call me?
Why did you choose your major?
Why do you like chocolate chip cookies?
Even innocent-ish questions can feel sharp when you’re on the receiving end. Generally, we don’t always react to the literal CONTENT of the conversation (i.e., the words spoken - WHAT was said) because our brains process nonverbal cues (e.g., tone, body language, facial expressions - HOW it was said) MUCH more quickly.
(This is because the THINKING brain - which focuses on content - is MUCH SLOWER than the FEELING brain - which focuses on relationships).
So if you’re using WHY questions, don’t be surprised if the other person gets defensive! They may feel like they’re being put on trial, i.e., that they need to explain or defend themselves.
It’s as if the answerer needs to provide a “legitimate” response or justification, which can be really painful for those who already struggle with low self-esteem. (And who gets to determine what’s legitimate?)
Defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that signals the end times of a relationship. If someone is often defensive, they can put a strain on the connection.
However, if you ask questions in a way that seems to frequently elicit defensive reactions in others, perhaps it’s the questioner (rather than the questioned) who needs to change.
WHYs are TERRIBLE questions for cultivating relationships, which ought to be built on safety, trust, and closeness. When WHY is asked, the asker (accidentally) takes a one-UP position (the interrogator) and the listener (accidentally) takes a one-DOWN position.
Rapport is hard to build when there’s an inherent power dynamic - one person being ABOVE/UNDER the other - because it’s as if there’s one winner and one loser. Competition or comparison is NOT a great setup for intimacy.
HOW & WHAT ABOUT:
The Magical Questions
You may have genuine curiosity about your conversation partner’s WHY. The reasons or values that go into making decisions are truly personal - getting to know them about each other is what creates intimacy!
However, precisely because these things are personal (and thus more vulnerable), it’s important to INVITE your partner to voluntarily share about themselves, not try to FORCE them to open up. In order to foster connections, it is important to try and BE trustworthy rather than try to DEMAND trust.
Signal to the other person that they ARE good, respectable, worthy and that their interests, opinions or thoughts DO matter. Instead of interviewing or interrogating them, it’s good to ask questions to understand them on their own terms/timing.
The thing with the two questions HOW and WHAT ABOUT is that you have no clue what the person’s answer might be. Instead of making YOURSELF the expert of their experience and judging what’s good/bad, you are making THEM the expert with you as the student.
By going into a one-DOWN position, you are voluntarily relinquishing authority to the other person by indirectly saying that their answer DOES matter, that it DOES have weight, and that you will SUBMIT yourself into receiving their answer as it is (not what it “should” be).
Fortunately, WHY questions could easily be converted into HOW and WHAT ABOUT. These two also keep questions OPEN (rather than closed), so they keep the convo going in a much more interesting way.
An Example:
Let’s go with the BORINGEST question: “What’s your major?“
If you were to just stick to that question, the convo would end (boringly).
If you were to follow that up with WHY (“WHY did you choose your major?”), the convo *might* lead the person to feel more nervous or even turn sideways.
Alternatively, if you were to follow this up with:
HOW (“How did you come to decide your major?”) or
WHAT ABOUT (“What about your major do you enjoy?),
the listener would feel like you’re interested and respectful and would probably open up more about themselves. Feeling seen, known, and understood, the listener would likely move TOWARDS you (vs. AWAY FROM or AGAINST).
Here’s the template on how to use these two questions:
HOW did you ______?
WHAT ABOUT (topic) do you (emotion)?
Any typical closed question could be followed up with either of these to spice it up but without the flammability.
“What about key lime pie do you enjoy?” is literally asking the same thing as “Why do you like key lime pie?”, but because the listener’s brain is hearing a softer, welcoming tone, they are likely to remain calm, connected, and open.
Keep the Rally Going
In summary, here are the six journalistic questions:
🔴 The Nuke Question: WHY
🟡 The Closed Questions: WHO, WHEN, WHERE, (WHAT)
🟢 The Inviting Questions: HOW & WHAT ABOUT
The way to cultivate intimate relationships is through respect, safety, and invitation. Experiment with these six questions to see which helps you move TOWARDS, AWAY FROM, or AGAINST each other.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
What is Compatibility?
We all want to date someone we’re compatible with, but what does “compatible” really mean? It’s actually NOT about finding someone who is a good fit, someone with whom everything is simple, easy, and fun. Learn more about true compatibility that really is the bedrock of vibrant relationships!
Am I Compatible with the Person I’m Dating?
I live in the Silicon Valley, there are tons of young professionals in the area, and one big topic that’s on a lot of people’s minds is around relationships. “Whom am I going to date? Whom am I going to spend the rest of my life with? Whom am I going to buy a house with?”
Either through online dating apps OKCupid or Coffee Meets Bagel, or asking around from friends and family members, “Can you set me up with somebody?” A lot of people are thinking, “Is this person that I’m considering a fit? A COMPATIBLE fit?” The topic of compatibility is a big thing that comes up.
What Does “Compatible” Mean?
Generally, the way that the word “compatibility” is understood is that “this person and I are going to jive well together.” But I did some digging in dictionary.com the other day to find out what the word ACTUALLY means. I learned that in the Latin form, it doesn’t mean that this person and I are the right fit, but it means that we learn how to STRUGGLE together.
The root “com” means together
“Bility” means ability
“Pati” in the middle literally means “pain.”
Why is Compatibility Important?
Contrary to what a lot of people assume to mean about compatibility, if you want to find someone who is a good, compatible match, you want to make sure that YOU are someone who is doing your own personal work, and that you’re willing to find someone who is also doing the same for themself.
The reason why this is the case is because most likely, one or both of you are going to change at some point. Just because they are a good fit now, doesn’t mean you’re going to be a fit for the long haul. So, if both of you don’t know how to make adjustments as you change or grow, the relationship is going to experience more strain down the line.
So again, I want you to find someone who is compatible, but also someone who is willing to do the work. If you want to know how you can do your own portion of it, I have a bunch of blogs around relationships and personal development to help you get started on your own journey.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Enneagram Type Seven: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Sevens (Type 7s) are exceptional thinkers and brainstormers but can often get stuck inside their heads in ideas and dreams. Read about what it’s like being a Type Seven from Stefie Dominguez, a full-time grad student, musician, and therapist-in-training.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In today’s post, we’ll be hearing from fellow clinician Stefie Dominguez (full-time grad school student, fun-time musician and soon-to-be therapist) about being in the world as a Type 7.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What’s it like to be an Enneagram Type Seven?
SYNTHESIZING MINDS
I've definitely noticed I love making connections about things that may seem unrelated to the naked eye. The interconnectedness of things. I even got an "endless knot" tattoo to symbolize that idea that everything is connected because it genuinely feels like a foundational reality in my life.
GOOD BRAINSTORMERS
Brainstorming sessions are my absolute favorite. It's like my brain can go many different ways and I can think of so many different options and scenarios altogether. I'll give you many ideas; just don't ask me to follow through on them or lay out a strategic path to getting to the end goal. That's for Enneagram 1s :)
PREFERENCE FOR HAVING MANY OPTIONS
I love keeping my options open and I feel genuine anxiety when I feel like I'm being "trapped" into certain ways of going about things. When I feel like I'm being told what to think or do, I instinctively want to "rebel" against it.
When did you first realize you were an Enneagram 7?
As soon as I found out about the Enneagram, it was pretty obvious to me and to my friends. I remember when I first took a test, 7 and 9 were my top two results. I certainly can see myself having a lot of 9 characteristics, although looking at my motivation, fears and triggers really confirmed my 7ness.
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Sevens?
7s are really deep! We're just not deep with many people. I've noticed that an intellectual connection is absolutely necessary for me to feel like I can deeply bond with someone. Trust takes a bit of time, but once you're in that inner circle, you're really in and I cherish sharing the harder things with you. But if you're not in that inner circle I'm reeeeally good at keeping you out.
One thing you're working on to grow beyond your type?
For the past 2 years, I've really dug deep into what it means for me to be present in the moment and connected to my body. It is ridiculously easy for me to feel like I went an entire day in my head and thoughts, which really affects my mood. Really learning to sit in pain without avoiding it, meditating on the present, and connecting to my body through yoga have all been essential to my growth toward being someone who can be still and aware of the here and now.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Enneagram Type Three: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Threes (Type 3s) often live life as a performance, seeking love and acceptance through success and achievements, often not realizing the connections they can make by just being themselves. Read about what it’s like being a Type Three from Morgan, a guest therapist who helps anxious women who are going through life transitions.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In today’s post, we’ll be hearing from fellow clinician Morgan Hancock (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) about being in the world as a Type 3.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What does it mean to be an Enneagram 3?
Performing
3’s are Performers. In my day-to-day, I think through what others may think about if they were on a stage, or getting ready to perform. There’s lots of preparation behind the scenes, lots of practice, and asking myself: “what would the audience be amazed by?”
The only difference is my stage rarely ever goes away. I will perform for strangers, friends, and even for myself; whether I’m with or without people. 3’s are “scanners” - constantly scanning our audience that we want to impress. I take in information about others with my feelings to know how I need to be in that interaction to make someone think I’m awesome or to make sure the interaction reaches its intended goal.
I want to appear successful, I want the people I love to be successful, and the groups that I associate with to be successful. If I get the sense that the team needs a fun vibe for the outing to be successful, then I can create a fun vibe. If someone is going to be impressed by my intellect, then I will try as hard as I can to be intellectual even if it means studying for hours on a topic beforehand. If I get the sense that someone values authenticity (most therapists), then ironically, I will perform authenticity. If you are reading this and getting exhausted, then you are feeling how most of us 3’s feel if we are really honest with ourselves. It takes a lot of work to impress you.
Need to Be Seen
An innate quality about being human is the need to be seen. 3’s try to stand out in order to be seen - we have to be better than others in order to be seen and recognized. We learned that people only have enough time to really see those closest to them, so they rely on impressions of others. Impressions are where 3’s live.
A quick way to be seen in the world is by achievement (especially in the US), status and titles, and the image we create of ourselves externally. Most companies will have productivity quotas to achieve levels of rank and those people are recognized.
However, achievement is only what we do in order to be seen. If the high achievers aren’t the most seen or recognized, then we can adapt to a new set of rules to be seen. Sometimes the most recognized are those who speak eloquently, dress nice, are happiest, you name it. We work hard at getting this quick fix to be seen by people who don’t really know us. We’ll get competitive with those who are seen more. We know quickly who the favorite, most recognized person is and then try to out-shine them.
3’s mistake this way of being seen in the world for actually being seen - the kind of being seen when someone gets to know our heart - the joy of receiving love for simply being ourselves. Even though we have a lot of feelings like others in the heart triad, we have disconnected from them because it wasn’t as valued in our early years as much as what we did or appeared to be for others. Therefore, we have a sense that there isn’t a heart to be loved and valued, only a façade to be awarded and applauded.
Outside-In:
3’s in their personality care more about what is on the outside (because it’s more seen) than what’s on the inside. We are future-oriented and can look ahead to that week or month of what is going to be seen so that I can make myself appear well. We start from the outside layers of ourselves:
Are people going to see our social media? Check.
Are people going to see our workspace? Check.
Are people going to see our car? Check.
Will our boss be looking at our performance? Check.
When those tasks are complete, we might have time left over for what others won’t see: laundry, emails, a book we wanted to read, a friend hangout that won’t be posted to social media, etc.
Drill Sergeant:
If 1’s have a critical voice in their heads, 3’s have drill sergeants in their heads. Everything needs to be fast, efficient, and there’s no time for rest. Once we have finished something, we’re onto the next task. We have the ability to have a long list of things to do and won’t stop till everything is done. We can’t feel that we are tired or sad until we stop, so most 3’s don’t like to stop.
This is where I feel 3’s are so disconnected from others and lack empathy - we look at others like, “What do you mean you’re tired?” We have limitations just like everyone else, but often can’t feel it until it’s too late - we get sick, have overwhelming anxiety, or get an injury.
When did you first realize you were Enneagram Three?
I took an online test and was like, “Yep, that’s me.” At that time, I knew what a 3 meant on the surface, but didn’t realize all the ins-and-outs. I started working at a nonprofit after grad school and the other therapists were all about discussing the Enneagram. In those discussions, I immediately started hating that I was a 3. I’ve heard that 3’s have the hardest time with their number, and that was consistent with my experience. My tricks of how to win at life were exposed and people could see right through my image. I then compensated by learning everything about my number so that I could joke about my shame instead of trying to hide it since people knew what I was doing anyways.
What do you wish people knew about your type?
If you love a 3 in your life, tell them why. We go through our lives actually thinking that people love us because of our accomplishments, confidence, assertiveness, etc. when in fact, people love us just because they like who we are. We need to hear the song, “It’s You I Like” by Mr. Rogers. I didn’t realize I needed this until a classmate in grad school came up to me and was like, “I really like you!” She almost shouted it, and it took me back because I hadn’t done anything really to try to impress her. Months later, I asked her what I did that made her like me so much and she said, “I just like you for you.” I will never forget that. Even though we have graduated and live in different towns, we still keep in touch.
What’s one thing you’re focusing on working on to "work out" of the Type 3 autopilot?
I’m learning to let go of how I’m perceived by other people. They may think I’m amazing; they may not. I have very little control over what people see, even though being a 3 makes me think that I can change the way people think about me. Releasing this control allows me to focus more on taking care of myself - my own well-being and what I want to receive from life rather than what I want to do for it.
Truth is, people only know me and see me if they get to know me and see me, which takes a lot of time and effort. Everyone else only gets fragments of my real self, and for better or worse, it’s only part of the story and only part true. I have about 5 friends that know me like the back of their hand that can tell me who I am when I get lost. They have managed to be safe enough to know the real me and have loved me consistently through my appealing and not-so-appealing times.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this Resonate?
Enneagram Type One: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Ones (Type 1s) often live life according to their strong inner values, with an inner critic to point out the gap between their ideals and reality to prompt improvement. Read about what it’s like being a Type One from Josh, who helps high school students find their way forward.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In this post, my husband Josh, a teacher and academic dean at a private high school, has written about Type 1.
Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:
Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What does it mean to be an Enneagram 1?
IDEALIST
On a good day, Type 1’s can find a lot of delight. When you get something just right, and things work out, the high is so good.
It’s not just for themselves! Seeing others gain (in a way that aligns with our personal ideals) is also rewarding.
Good days can be rare because life doesn’t work like that very often.
LOUD INNER CRITIC
The inner critic kicks in. For some of us, it lashes out at ourselves before turning its frustration on the rest of the world. You might see it show up as imposter syndrome, defensiveness, complaint, anger, and more. It highlights the gap between the perfect and imperfect. We might find ourselves despairing at the infinite chasm between what is and what could be.
At a glance, you might identify us as rule-followers. For me, that’s never been a good enough descriptor. We have strong inner values that we’re trying to uphold. It may or may not line up with the rules. It may or may not be coherent, depending on our maturity. But you can bet there’s something we’re trying to live up to.
As a result, we’re frequently driven into journeys of self-improvement. It’ll happen for big life changes or small, daily tasks. These endeavors take us to places we might want to share with you if you are important to us. It might, at times, also be overbearing to be on the receiving end of that. (I’m working on it!)
When did you first learn you were Enneagram Type One?
My wife, Joanne, introduced me to the Enneagram framework and had me take a test. To be honest, my Type 1-ness has never been a surprise to anyone.
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Ones?
Sometimes we are so focused on ideals that we forget who we were trying to serve in the first place. But Type 1’s can be very caring, even among the most cynical members of our type. We have trouble expressing care on a personal level while we dwell on bigger picture things. (I can recall circumstances where I have chosen to turn off my feelings so I can focus on something I’ve deemed more important than myself.)
“Getting it right” can mean two things. One is maximizing the benefits for all. When things work as they should, life is good.
I hate admitting this, but here goes. Getting it right also makes us unassailable. We’re sensitive to criticism, and perfection (falsely) protects us.
When I observe fellow Type 1’s being particularly critical, I flinch at how the other 8 types will take their words. After that, I cringe at how that Type 1’s inner voice must sound. Your words can sting us, but it’s hard to find a voice worse than our inner critic.
As a result, when we’re down, we can seem impossible to soothe. In our own heads, the inner critic seems well-reasoned and thought out.
From experience, I find that the inner critic needs to be disarmed before we’re ready to hear words of affirmation and encouragement.
One thing you're working on to grow beyond your type
I’m working on chilling out.
It includes laughing off mistakes, letting things break, and reminding myself that the world and its people are more resilient than I give it credit for.
It means showing grace to everyone, including myself.
Even more daunting is to hold my ideals with a looser grip because while I believe there is a standard right and wrong, there are many beautiful ways to get it right.
(As I type this out, it occurs to me that I can appropriate the perspectives of Types 2-9 and break the mold altogether. Is that very Type 1 of me?)
Regardless of the path, I want to learn to enjoy the process along the way and celebrate the victories on the way to my ideals. At the very least, even when I fall short, I’ll be a lot more bearable to be around!
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this Resonate?
Enneagram Type Two: What It's Like
Enneagram Type Twos (Type 2s) often live life outside of their own internal world, tuned into the emotions and needs of others. Read about what it’s like being a Type Two from Melinda, a guest therapist who specializes in working with those with big emotions and in life transitions.
My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.
In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.
In this post, Melinda will be sharing about Type 2.
Here are other types posted in the series so far:
Type 1 - Josh Chan
Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT
Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT
Type 5 - Alyssa Harris
Type 6 - Jonathan Siu
Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez
Type 8 - Marianna Torres
Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT
What does it mean to be an Enneagram Type 2?
Living Outside Myself
For me, when I’m on autopilot, being an Enneagram 2 is about always being tuned in to the thoughts, feelings, needs, and actions of other people (especially “my people”), and living a life outside of myself without even realizing it.
Needing To Be Loved/Liked
Being an Enneagram 2 means being convinced that I know what it takes to get people to like/respect/love me, and that anything generous that I do I’m doing out of my own kindness and generosity. I expend a huge amount of energy outward toward relationships and I spend a lot of energy and focus a huge amount of attention on whether or not people feel positively about me or love me.
The Pride of Having No Needs
I know, I know. I just said that Enneagram 2’s have a deep need to be liked/loved. However, being an Enneagram 2 also means that my own thoughts, feelings, and needs are locked in a dark room somewhere inside of me that I can’t access let alone navigate without a huge amount of effort. When I’m on autopilot, it means I’m not really aware that I have any needs.
At the same time I can also be really resentful/angry that others don’t notice or take care of me or my needs (that I don’t understand or acknowledge).
At the heart of things, being an Enneagram 2 (for me) means wrestling with a sadness and fear believing that I will never be enough, in and of myself, to be deeply loved.
Here are a couple of great resources for understanding Type 2’s:
When did you first realize you were Enneagram 2?
I first read and identified as an Enneagram 2 in college (I was 20) while reading Richard Rohr’s Enneagram. At first when I read about how 2’s kindness and helpfulness were just a manipulative means to an end (WHAT?! I’m not altruistically kind and generous?!), I really resisted identifying myself as a 2 (typical). However, as I continued to look at the 2, I realized that my strong negative reaction to the number was likely a good indicator that I was on the right track.
I realized that I spent a lot of time doing things “in order to get someone to…”: notice me, befriend me, like me, care about me, etc.
What do you wish people knew about Enneagram 2s?
I wish people knew that not all 2’s are these kind, spineless doormats (and that’s not even what being a 2 is about). I don’t want to do everything for everyone or help everyone. I want to help some people more than others, and actually, being giving/helpful is usually a means to an end (getting them to like me/love me).
Also, I have less of a problem expressing anger (just ask my husband) or pushing back against some people. We 2’s can be intense, stand up for what we believe in, and be incredibly manipulative (giving to get).
What’s something you’re focusing on to grow out of your type?
This is an important question because the goal of Enneagram counseling is not just to understand our type, but to actually gain the ability grow beyond it. Right now my biggest focus is learning to not “abandon myself”. I often have this growth point in mind whenever I do my own Enneagram therapy and coaching. I have often gotten lost in knowing others’ experiences, feelings, needs, etc., and left myself behind as a result.
I’m going through a process of grieving over abandoning myself for others, and am starting to learn what it takes to stay present with my experiences and feelings, and am starting to understand that I matter as much as other people do.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this Resonate?
Power of Perspective: Cycle or Spiral?
You may feel sometimes like you’re going in circles - expending so much energy, time, and resources to change, only to find yourself in the same place all over again. As more time goes on, you feel like the future is bleak - what’s the point of trying, if it’s going to be the same? Perhaps what’s the issue is not what’s happening but how you perceive what’s happening. What if you ARE actually changing?
Going in Circles
I thought I dealt with this already. Why am I going through this again?
Am I always going to be attracted to the same kinds of assholes?
Are things never going to get better?
Maybe you’re getting into fights with your partner again, and you’re thinking, “I TOLD myself I wouldn’t do this again,” only to find yourself doing the thing again. The same feelings arise, the same words are said, the same dance is danced, and you’re sick of it.
Maybe you vowed to actually finish a project this time, to find out that, ALSO this time, you didn’t.
You might be feeling stuck in your own reactive patterns, helpless to do anything about it. No amount of books you read, seminars you attend, and exercises you try seem to do the trick.
If you find yourself feeling like you’re in the exact same place despite all attempts to change, you might be stuck in a SHAME CYCLE.
The Shame Cycle
In the shame cycle, you keep feeling trapped, going around the same bend. There seems to be no development, and all attempts of change seem negated.
The first time you go around, there’s frustration (“Argh!! What the hell??”) and impatience (“Why isn’t this changing more quickly?!?”). With a burst of motivation and tons of creative juices flowing, you might push yourself (“This time, I’ll get it right.” “Maybe if I change this one thing…”)
When that doesn’t work and you see the same dynamics again, you might try pointing the finger outside yourself with anger/blame. “This time it wasn’t my fault.” “They did this to me; they messed me up.”
Several more rounds of this, confusion, anxiety, and despair set in. “Why can’t I shake this off?” “Why can’t I figure it out?”
Each round you go, you lose energy to bother trying anything different. Frustration and impatience give way to apathy and complacence. “What’s the point, if I’m only going to end up in the same spot anyway?”
Each round you go, you feel more and more hopelessness and defeated. “What if this is all who I am? Maybe I’ll just be this way forever.”
Each round you go, your self-esteem takes another blow. At first, there was guilt (“I messed up.”). Now there’s shame (“I’m messed up.”)
When you get to this point, your nervous system - overloaded with all the stress - starts to collapse.
FIGHT doesn’t work.
FLIGHT doesn’t work.
So FREEZE sets in.
This shutdown can lead down some dark paths:
Depression - you feel nothing will change, the future looks bleak
Anxiety - you feel out of control and disoriented
Shame - you see yourself as permanently flawed
The Resilience Spiral
For ANY human being going through a legit growth process, there WILL be moments when you’ll feel like you’re going through the same thing over and over again.
That’s VERY HUMAN and VERY NORMAL.
(You’re okay! I’m here, too!)
Even when we make similar kinds of reactive, autopilot decisions, NOT EVERYTHING is exactly the same. Some things are indeed different, and possibly different for the better.
When we start looking NOT for what’s the SAME but for what’s DIFFERENT, what we perceive changes: what we’re walking is not a CIRCLE, but a SPIRAL.
Depending on what angle you’re looking at, a circle is a top-down (or bottom-up) cross-section view of a spiral. It’s 2D, not 3D. It’s missing a whole dimension, namely TIME, and how much things have CHANGED over time.
Not a SHAME CIRCLE (where you slow down/stop), but a RESILIENCE SPIRAL (where you keep moving ahead/up).
Sure, you might be doing at Age 29 the kinds of things you did at Age 19 (like procrastinating hard core on a work project like you did on school assignments). But 29-You is WISER than 19-You, because you’ve gained some experience and learned some things (many the hard way). You might still procrastinate, but Older-You will wait ‘til the week preceding the deadline rather than the literal night before, because now you know that your body will definitely NOT be able to pull a Red Bulled all-nighter and survive a full work day.
29-You also knows that if you keep getting defensive when your partner brings up important topics, y’all will go another several rounds of flinging criticism at each other, with neither party coming out on top and both of you losing.
29-You also learned two years ago that sometimes it really DOES help to tell your partner, “Hey, I’m noticing I’m feeling really tense right now because I got off a long day at work. I need some time for my body to catch up to my brain, plus I’m really hangry. Can we eat and hang out first, and then talk about this around 8pm?”
Initially there might still be some annoyance for both of you, but in the end, the thing actually gets talked about and both of you get your needs met much more effectively than you did two years prior.
Give yourself more credit. You’ve earned it.
Hear me out. I am NOT a fan of “Fake it ‘til you make it” or “Look for the silver lining!” I’m not going to tell you to artificially make up something positive just so that you can feel better about yourself, because that’s still a distortion (just going the opposite direction).
I’m just saying, GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for things you’ve ACTUALLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.
Why is this so important? Because your body needs to know that you are an AGENT, meaning a being that can produce a specified effect. Overgeneralizations like “Always” or “Never” statements overload your nervous system, and it collapses beneath it. Once despair kicks in, the mind develops “learned helplessness”, meaning you live AS IF you are truly helpless even when there are things technically still within your control, responsibility, and ability.
Some things ARE outside of your control. That’s fine. You’re not supposed to do anything with them anyway. The point is for you to take ownership of things that ARE within your ability to do something about it. Keep your nervous system online with concrete evidence, including things that you did WELL and things that DID change for the better.
OWN the outcome, good and bad:
If bad, OWN that, repair the situation, learn from it, and try doing something new. Adjust as you go.
If good, OWN that and keep doing more of the same until you learn something that works even better.
Spiral, not Cycle
Some questions to ponder:
What’s your “reactive autopilot mode”? What are some patterns you have in your life, work, or relationships that seem to be stubbornly persistent over time? (The Enneagram might be a useful tool in revealing your autopilot.)
What are 1-3 things that DID change? (Think frequency, intensity, duration, quality, or direction.)
For example, you might still have generally one-sided relationships, but you’re more selective about with whom you’re connecting for what, stir up less emotional intensity in new connections, calibrate how much of yourself you share with others, or say no more often.)
Intentionally LOOK for small improvements in yourself or any situation. When we seek these exceptions, it’s easier to build upon our existing momentum to continue healing, growing, and changing for the better.
EVEN WHEN things FEEL the same, there are STILL differences.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Radical Candor: Balancing Regard for Self and Others
Do you feel like your needs don’t matter, despite how much you do for others? Learn how to move towards radical candor, a relationship stance that creates room in the relationship big enough for both yourself and others.
Healthy Relationships Start with BALANCE
Connection with others varies from person to person. Sometimes you give more to the relationship, sometimes you might give less. Sometimes the relationship exists without much contribution from either party.
But the strongest relationships form when BOTH you and the other person make room for BOTH of your needs & wants. One person is not inherently more important than the other.
What makes this reciprocity possible? The ability to clearly and directly advocate for yourself while considering the well-being of both yourself and the other — what Kim Scott calls “Radical Candor”.
In this book, Scott outlines the four types of relationships defined by the balance or imbalance of self and others.
The 4 Relationship Quadrants
Kim Scott illustrates the four relationship types in an XY grid, where the X-axis represents care or regard for the self, and the Y-axis represents care or regard for others. When relationships have an imbalance of care for yourself or others, it can create relationships with conflict, resentment, shame, and inauthenticity. Learning which quadrants on the graph your relationships fall into can help you pinpoint areas to work on in order to achieve a balanced relationship that actively creates enough space for BOTH yourself and others.
Obnoxious Aggression
This relationship type falls into the bottom-right quadrant, reflecting a relationship with high regard for the self and little regard for others.
Characteristics:
Bully types or bossy.
Steamroll through relationships.
Don’t take feedback (e.g., disregard feedback or refuse to listen to feedback).
Unnecessarily aggressive (e.g., seem to look for challenges or accidentally challenge others often).
Rely on their power over others.
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to consider others/increase care for others. (E.g., practice reflecting on how others may interpret your words and tone. Will saying X hurt their feelings?)
Directly ask for feedback and respond to it for course-correction. (E.g., invite others to give you feedback. “How could I have addressed this better?” Consciously listen and implement feedback.)
Understand others are different from you. (E.g., not everyone has the ability to know their own needs as well as you do. Give people the space to understand theirs and feel safe to ask for your support.)
Don’t expect others to act as you do. (E.g., a person may not be able to stand up for themselves as you can.)
Manipulative Insincerity
This quadrant lies in the bottom left of the graph, depicting a relationship with regard for neither the self or others.
Characteristics:
Gossipers.
Show up in certain circles but do something else entirely different behind the scenes. (E.g., fulfills work roles adequately on the surface and disrupts working relationships with gossip amongst co-workers.)
Very surprising or mysterious. (E.g., others usually can tell where these people stand and their insincerity is not a complete shock. You can probably think of a few people like this in your workplace or social circles right now.)
Hard to read.
Interacting with these people might tense up the body.
Have a plastered/plastic smile with no “evidence” of what they are doing wrong. (E.g., appear friendly but inauthentic, and it is unclear why they appear inauthentic because there is no evidence of it.)
Use power indirectly. (E.g., guilt-tripping, gossiping, making fun of others, challenging the character of others, dismissive, etc.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Learn how to be direct with communication. (E.g., avoid using indirect means of power like guilt-tripping and dismissiveness.)
Learn how to state their own needs.
Honor and respect the other person. (People are different from each other and each deserves respect.)
Give information directly to avoid confusion or self-doubt from other parties. (E.g., instead of guilt-tripping a roommate to help with chores, tell them you need help maintaining the house upkeep.)
Ruinous Empathy
This person falls into the top left quadrant, where a person gives too much emphasis to others and not enough to the self. Most of my clients fall into this quadrant.
Characteristics:
Filled with guilt, anxiety, shame.
Have an allergic reaction to anger/highly sensitive people.
Overdo their empathy. (Empathy CAN be overdone and is not automatically a good thing.)
Empathy goes too far and leaves no room for the self.
On the surface, they are kind, serving, empathetic people, but this happens with an engine of shame behind the scenes. (E.g., shame may motivate a person to serve others because they feel like they are not enough.)
Overly extending self to others leads to burnout easily and creates a shame spiral. (E.g., “I should be able to do better,” self-judgment for “selfishness.”)
Can cultivate resentment when there is not enough time for oneself. (Resentment often shows up with guilt, and people may have a difficult time noticing and/or acknowledging this.)
Tips for Reaching Radical Candor:
Must learn how to care for themselves as much as others. (This will feel selfish at first because you’ve been trained to center on others, but it is NOT selfish, it’s SELF-CARING. In order to deeply care for others well, you must care for yourself; otherwise, acts are tainted with resentment, guilt, and shame.)
Practice anger. (Let yourself feel angry and hurt. These emotions are not selfish to have.)
Practice self-care and self-compassion.
Do things that at first trigger a sense of guilt and shame—this indicates you are going in the right direction. (E.g., be honest about your needs and explain to your loved ones when they do something that upsets you. This will trigger a sense of guilt/shame at first, but these are necessary steps for balancing your relationship and moving into radical candor.)
Radical Candor
This is the ideal place for a relationship. In the top-right quadrant, this represents an equal balance between the self and others.
Characteristics:
Able to create balance where you know others matter just as much as you do, and you matter just as much as others.
Are able to speak up for their own needs.
Speaking the truth kindly but directly.
Intentionally addresses issues instead of skirting around problems.
Reaching Radical Candor
Moving into the quadrant of radical candor can be very difficult for some people. Being assertive about your own needs can be scary if you have trouble putting yourself out there or if you are scared of the negative reactions from others, but it is necessary work for strong relationships. When you consciously and directly address issues in the relationship or clearly communicate your needs, you give the other person a chance to repair and address these issues and needs. Waiting for others to fulfill needs and address issues that you skirt around or avoid speaking about lays the groundwork for an imbalanced relationship and resentment.
As you navigate your work and social life in the coming weeks, evaluate your relationships and see if you can identify which quadrant(s) you fall into. Is there a balance between yourself and others? From there, you can work towards achieving radical candor in your relationships.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Connecting with Safe People
You may crave healthy relationships, but you might not know just what that looks like. Learn more about the traits of Safe vs. Unsafe People so that you can learn to distinguish who to draw closer to from who to stay away from and also to grow to become a safe person yourself.
Prefer listening over reading? Watch my Instagram Live on Safe People!
What are Healthy Relationships?
Everyone has general traits of autopilot reactive patterns that they exhibit consistently over time, much like the traits you’ve identified in yourself using the Life Timeline in a past blog post.
Oftentimes, these traits can indicate whether a person is generally safe or unsafe. Unfortunately, not everyone is good to stay connected with for extended periods of time. It’s important for us to understand who we are making relationships with as we consider our own health and well-being.
Healthy relationships involve there being enough space for BOTH parties to be themselves. Each person is unique and worthy; therefore, each person gets to have their own values, likes/dislikes, opinions, power, responsibility, and decisions.
It’s totally possible for two parties to DIFFER and have that NOT mean that the relationship is falling apart. DIFFERENCE ≠ DISCONNECTION. Unhealthy relationships say that there’s only space for ONE of you, not both. When that’s the case, each of you HAVE to be the same OR ELSE…
Instead, DIFFERENCE = DEEPER CONNECTION, because y’all are loving each other for who each of you actually are, rather than seeing the other as an extension of oneself.
The goal is to cultivate relationships where BOTH people matter, NOT just one OR the other. You matter JUST AS MUCH AS the other person, and vice versa.
What would it be like to have relationships like THAT?
Who are Safe People?
In their book, Safe People, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend help identify the general traits of people and categorizes those behaviors as “safe” or “unsafe.”
Here is a chart from their book:
The left column lists traits of an “unsafe person,” such as “defensive,” while the right column identifies “safe person” traits, like “open to feedback.” Each row corresponds with one another across columns, reflecting opposite traits.
Using the Safe People Chart
Read each row and consider these questions:
What stands out the most?
What emotional reactions do you have?
Do some of these dynamics sound familiar? (e.g., do you found yourself surrounded by gossipers who are unsympathetic to others’ pain?)
What kinds of bodily reactions occur around “unsafe” dynamics? (e.g., does your heart race? Do you fidget in these situations? This is your body trying to tell you something—listen to it!)
Do any of these traits remind you of someone you know?
While thinking of someone as you go down the chart, check off traits that apply to them. Does the needle lean more towards a safe or unsafe person?
Using the Safe People Chart for Yourself
NOTE: The purpose of the Safe People Chart is NOT to judge someone, but rather to gauge who you may need to have more boundaries with or space from until they have done the work to become safer.
NO ONE on this planet is 100% safe or unsafe, you included. We all exist on the spectrum between those two extremes.
Also, NO ONE is 100% fixed on one side or the other, you included. Just as important it is for you to identify who in your life is generally safe(r) or less safe, it would be essential for you to grow in becoming a safer person for others.
When you scan the Safe Person Chart again with yourself in mind, what are some of your patterns that land in the “unsafe” column? Check them off with a marker. These are your growth areas.
In this way, the chart serves as a roadmap to finding areas where you can focus your self-development to become a safe person for others to connect with.
Looking for Patterns in Connections
Using the Safe People Chart can help audit your significant relationships (past, present, and future).
What would you like to be different going forward in who you connect with?
What are some signs in the other person to be on the lookout for?
How would you yourself like to grow?
Recalibrating Your “Safe Meter”
Many of us have been trained to mistrust our emotions and body reactions to others’ unsafe traits. This is partially why you’d find patterns of unsafe traits in your relationships: since your body has become so accustomed to it, it has developed a blind spot to them.
Sometimes seeing on a chart can help us understand and validate the uncomfortable reactions we have when we connect with unsafe people.
For example, when your heart starts racing and you feel uncomfortable in a circle of gossipers, your body is trying to tell you something. It’s likely that the gossipers eliciting such a reaction point toward “unsafe” on the chart.
Rather than downplaying your reactions, upon seeing some traits appear on the unsafe list, you can recalibrate your “safe meter” to better catch certain signs going forward. Doing so will help you:
Find and connect with safe people who ALSO care for you and
Protect yourself when interacting with unsafe people.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Do your Feelings TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How Do I Find My Enneagram Type?
The Enneagram is a powerfully comprehensive yet compact resource that reveals the “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you discover your Enneagram type!
The Enneagram is a powerfully comprehensive yet compact resource that reveals the “autopilot” ways we experience and respond to life events. Let’s figure out how to find your Enneagram type!
These nine Enneagram types (named “Type 1” to “Type 9”) describe nine reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating. These personality types helped people navigate through life experiences, especially ones where we did indeed need coping because we were truly limited in ability, resources, and opportunity (e.g., our childhood).
As we physically grow, our autopilots don’t upgrade with us. This means that what used to help us cope can sometimes even cause problems because there is a MISMATCH between what’s actually happening and what our personalities perceive is happening.
Thus, becoming healthy involves working ourselves OUT of our reactive patterns, so that we can engage and respond to present situations for what they actually need, not just what we’re used to.
Since our coping patterns are designed to stay automatic and invisible, knowing exactly what our reflexes look like can help us catch ourselves in the (re)act(vity) and deliberately choose into wiser ways of being.
Knowing our own Enneagram type and subtype can expedite this process.
(If you want to know what the nine types are, check out this series!)
How to Identify Your Enneagram Type + Subtype
Here are the resources I actually use in my therapy/coaching sessions to help people find their type. These resources (podcast, Youtube, books) are by Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes, who are my Enneagram teachers and whose Professional Enneagram Certification Track I am currently going through.
(1) Listen to the Enneagram 2.0 podcast, Ep. 1
This episode is a general introduction of the nine Enneagram types.
Notice whichever types you have the strongest emotional/physical reaction to. Narrow down to the Top 2 types you most resonate with.
For example, I might resonate most strongly with Types 1 and 4.
(2) Listen to Ep. 4
The Enneagram type speaks to WHY people do what they do. Subtypes reveal WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and HOW we do the WHY.
This episode is an introduction of the 27 Enneagram subtypes that are formed when we combine the 9 types with 3 subversions: Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual.
Listen to all 27 subtypes, tuning more carefully into the Top 2 types you’ve narrowed before. Identify which subtype you most resonate with per Top 2 type.
For example, of Types 1 and 4, I resonate with:
Type One: Social > Self-Preservation > Sexual
Type Four: Self-Preservation > Social > Sexual
(3) Meet an Enneagram Professional to confirm your type and subtype
As an Enneagram Professional, I have been trained by Beatrice and Uranio to do a formalized typing interview process, which further explores the behind-the-scene motivations that go with what you naturally do without trying.
Normally the interview itself can be from 1-1.5 hours long, but if you’ve done Steps 1 and 2, we can shorten this process.
In this session, you can process:
What your type/subtype means
How it shows up in your life for better and for worse, and
What you can do going forward with this information
NOTE: This step is completely optional. Some people prefer to just stick with the other steps because it's completely free; these sessions are according to my hourly rate.
The main downside with the DIY route is that sometimes it can be difficult sometimes to identify one's type for three reasons:
Lookalikes
Lookalike subtypes may do the same behaviors but for different reasons.
For example, the Self-Pres Four may look like Ones, Twos, Threes, Fives, Sixes, Sevens, or Nines depending on what the other instincts are.
It took me a year and a half to realize that this is my type!! It would have taken me longer if I didn’t know about subtypes.
Countertypes
One of the 3 subtypes is known as a "countertype", which operates in the OPPOSITE direction of how a type generally is. The growth steps typically recommended to each type goes the OPPOSITE direction for the countertype.
As a Self-Pres Four, I’m supposed to practice being MORE emotionally expressive, not less (as would be the case for Social and Sexual Fours).
Most Enneagram enthusiasts aren't familiar with the subtype system because it's relatively new in Enneagram literature.
Societal norms and pressures
Many people may THINK that they’re a certain type because of stereotypes or cultural expectations.
For example, many (Christian, POC) women may FEEL that they’re a Type 2 because of how Twos are often described (caring, compassionate, emotional) to find out that they’re in fact Social Eights or Self-Preservation Sixes.
The typing interview may be of benefit to those who prefer having someone walk through the typing process with them and/or those who are unsure of certain dynamics. If you’re pretty sure from Steps 1 and 2 what your type/subtype is, you may carry on to Steps 4-6.
(4) Read the Ultimate PDF Guides for your Top 2 choices for type.
These guides, developed by Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy, offer quick yet detailed information on each type, including key traits, common behavior patterns, and each of the 3 subtypes per type.
(5) WATCH the Youtube Enneagram Panel with Beatrice Chestnut
On each panel, you’ll hear from individuals who resonate with each subtype so you can learn more of what the type looks like, sounds like, and feels like from the inside. You will better notice the differences between each subtype.
This is especially important for people who resonate with Types 4 and 6, because the variation between those subtypes are SO GREAT that the subtypes may as well be their own distinct types. Similar motivations, but VERY different expressions.
(6) Get a copy of Beatrice Chestnut's books
*I may benefit from the Amazon links below. You may also search on Amazon yourself!
(7) BOOK an ENNEAGRAM therapy or coaching session
Because of the nature of our autopilots, we might KNOW what we do and even WHY, but still feel helpless to DO anything about it. Working with an Enneagram professional (especially ones trained by Beatrice and Uranio) may help you more effectively break through rigid patterns because you’re better able to:
See what your patterns look like as you’re autopiloting
Catch yourself during or not long after you’ve reacted, and
Shift course to how you’d LIKE to respond (if you haven’t reacted already) or repair (if you have) ruptured situations or relationships
Check out the blog series on the different Enneagram types:
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
See how the Enneagram and genogram reveal trauma, boundaries, and generational patterns in families like the Bridgertons — and maybe yours too!