This is one of the questions I get asked ALL. THE. TIME.
I get it — relationships are freakin hard already, and people wanna know which combos got the best shot in making it through the rocky terrain to arrive at the luscious promised land of intimacy.
But I hate to break it to ya—it's NOT about which Enneagram types are compatible with each other, but more about how much personal work each person has done. It's about how healthy and nonreactive, and wise both parties can be, rather than what personalities they are.
There is no "perfect match" between Enneagram types.
Each combination can be REALLY GOOD and REALLY BAD and everything in between, depending on how much each person has worked to grow BEYOND their Enneagram type.
(By the way, the word "compatibility" literally means "com" (with) + "pati" (pain) + ability = the ability to struggle together. If that's the definition being used, then, yes, all 9 types can be compatible with each other.)
Stuck in Autopilot
The Enneagram speaks to 9 different ways people cope with and navigate through life. Each person's type is their own "autopilot mode" of thinking, feeling, and doing as a way of dealing with stress. Our autopilot survival skills have helped us move through vulnerable times in our lives, especially in childhood (when we really couldn't control a lot of our experiences).
But the very cages that have protected us from scary things when we were young are the same bars that keep us stuck when we've grown up and don't need the same protection anymore.
If we cling to our personality types (for example, by being proud that we are a certain Enneagram type, we are staying inside that tiny cage and are wondering why our hunched backs are aching.
If we stay inside that tiny cage, there's no room for another whole person - just whatever pieces of them "fit" our idea of how they "should" be.
Because we are still WHOLE persons, regardless of whether we're willing to acknowledge that, we're in for a rude awakening when the rose-colored glasses come down (because they will) and we realize that WHOA - this person is NOT who I signed up to be with.
The Enneagram: a Map for Personal Growth
Our Enneagram types tell us what path of inner work we have. Unlike how the Enneagram is used nowadays (in pigeonholing people and trying to find what type of holiday gift to get each type), it was originally intended on revealing to us our blindspots and shadows in how we get ourselves stuck (and pull others into our muck in the process). We were all meant to grow beyond our coping skills.
The Enneagram is not a horoscope system to see what kind of day we'll have or what our fate will be. The Enneagram shows us a map pointing to where we COULD go IF WE DO and DON'T DO OUR PERSONAL WORK.
Our Enneagram type doesn't dictate the ending - it just reveals the possibilities. Whether a particular POSSIBILITY becomes an ACTUALITY is up to you.
Are you willing to do the work or not?
Is your partner willing to do the work or not?
Is your family member or leader willing to do the work or not? (Because this is not just for romantic relationships!)
So Who do I date?
The simple answer? Anyone who's willing to do their personal work, so as long as you are also willing to do yours.
Doesn't matter what Enneagram type y'all are - that just shows some details about how your respective autopilots show up and interact with each other. If both of y'all are doing the work and become more flexible and grounded (instead of constantly triggering each other), y'all will do just fine.
As long as each person in the relationship is willing to:
learn about their own respective autopilot patterns,
acknowledge that they have blindspots and flaws,
and take personal responsibility to work out of reactivity,
then ALL combinations of types have a fantastic chance of having a phenomenal relationship - romantic, platonic, familial, professional, or otherwise.
Remember the true definition of compatibility? Learn how to STRUGGLE TOGETHER so that you can experience true intimacy. It's not all pain and no gain - it's through the hard work of waking up out of reactivity that y'all can truly BE PRESENT to ENJOY each other's company to the fullest.
Learn more about your Enneagram type!
Read a blog about each Enneagram type.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!