Ever have moments when your inner dialogue goes something like:

• “I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself! I know what I SHOULD do, but I just can’t get myself to do them! What the hell is wrong with me?”

• “I’m so sick & tired of pining for my ex! Why can’t I just move on, dammit? I hate feeling like shit (but I just miss them so much…)”

• “I feel so jealous that I wasn’t invited to that trip, but I’m trying to also tell myself to calm the F down.”

• “I feel stuck! I don’t know what to do next…If I choose Option A, then it’ll be so fun but I’ll feel guilty. If I choose the other, I wouldn’t feel judged but would feel so so trapped…”

You might feel like you’re constantly pulled in opposite directions. One part of you wants to rest, another says you should be productive. One part wants to speak up, another panics about what people will think.

You end up stuck in loops of overthinking, procrastination, or second-guessing yourself…especially when you’re facing a major life decision (sometimes even deciding what to eat for dinner).

(Check out these amazing illustrations by my friend, Rukmini Poddar!)

Sometimes, it feels more intense than that. Without warning, you get HIJACKED by emotions that seem to come out of nowhere — snapping at loved ones, shutting down, spiraling down your wormhole of doom — and then beating yourself up afterward for having wasted so much time.

There’s an inner civil war between a loud inner critic berating you at every decision and an inner chaos monkey who takes over with impulsive instant gratifications, causing you to bounce between “I need to get it together” and “I don’t wanna deal with any of this.”

Add in Imposter Syndrome or Shiny Object Syndrome, and it can feel like you’re constantly starting over…and wondering if you’re losing your ever-loving mind.

Sound familiar? Say “Hello” 👋

Did you know that NOBODY is a single, one-dimensional being, but that all of us are actually MANY OF US?

We’re not simplistic entities who are complete robots that unquestioningly implement our predecided programming. We are multidimensional, complex beings who are capable of having many values, desires, and giftings (even ones that seem antithetical), so that we can manuever through life in response to the ever-shifting, nuanced moments it brings.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, this is called MULTIPLICITY: the mind is not a single, linear entity, but is rather naturally composed of multiple subpersonalities (a.k.a. “parts”).

Not to worry! This does NOT mean you’re crazy…just nuanced. This is very normal, healthy, functional, and an expected process of psychological development.

Nothing is “wrong” with you. There are just different parts of you trying (really hard, by the way!!) to help in the only ways they know how (even if it might not be what a given moment needs).

Want help in getting to know your parts?

Introducing Your Inner Kingdom & Your Well-Meaning Advisors

Think of your inner world like a kingdom or a Control Room (kinda like Inside Out, but without the PG rating and wayyyyy more drama).

Once upon a time, there was a Wise, Rightful Ruler. Grounded, compassionate, clear. Everyone in the kingdom felt at ease and at peace with each other under the Ruler’s leadership.

But one day, somehow, that Ruler went missing. And the throne was empty.

The kingdom’s “Advisors” (who specialize in their own areas of genius) began to PANIC. Why?

Because SOMEONE’s gotta run the kingdom, or ELSE UTTER chaos will ensue!!

So they started fighting amongst themselves, arguing passionately to prevent their own worst-case scenarios.

A ruling faction formed (the ones who seem most “functional”), while other parts (who are just as important, but less understood) got pushed aside, silenced, or locked away.

But those locked-up parts didn’t disappear. When the ruling party was tired or distracted, they broke out of the dungeon and set things on fire, ferociously & desperately demanding to be heard.

(Because how else are they supposed to get noticed? This is not their first choice, but at least now they can’t be ignored.)

Now, you — the whole human — get caught in cycles of inner turmoil — swinging between extremes of I NEED TO FEELs, I SHOULDs, I DON’T WANNA’s, and WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME’s.

You’re just trying to get through the day normally, but every second that passes with this chaotic inner emotional vortex makes you feel like you’re losing your freakin’ mind.

Here’s the thing: NONE of these Advisors or parts are actually the problem.

Not the ones trying to keep it together. Not the ones acting out. Not even the ones holding onto pain. They each think the other is the problem and sling their blame onto one other, not knowing how they themselves inadvertently feed into this deadly cycle.

What’s the main issue?
The Rightful Ruler is still missing.
Who? YOU.

The Rightful Ruler is your Self, or who you are when you’re the most wise, rested, steady, and capable. Who you are when you’re most in your element while being relaxed (a.k.a. when you’re in your Flow State).

There’s way more to you than your individual parts. In the same way that you HAVE an arm but you AREN’T your arm, you HAVE parts but AREN’T your parts.

Like the Sun, your Self just gets concealed by parts that take over sometimes. But no worries — your essence doesn’t ever go away. We just need those advisor parts to step back and relax, even just a bit.

Your parts freak out because (in their eyes) you their Rightful Ruler disappeared without any signs of returning. They did the best they could with what they knew…so even when their decisions stirred up a lot of stress (for other parts), they all MEAN well: GOOD INTENTIONS, but without adequate direction, support, and rest.

(Don’t hate on any of your parts! They’re doing their best with the unfair position they’ve been put in and the limited perspective & resources they got.)

As is the case in a latchkey home situation where the oldest teen is in charge of the little ones, OF COURSE the oldest isn’t going to always make the best decisions. They’re scared, too (but can’t show it), because so as long as there’s no grownup in the home, they’re IT.

On the other hand, when you (Your Self) return and resume your seat as the Wise Rightful Ruler (or steady, caring, grownup), your parts will be able to truly relax and revert back to being specialist advisors whom you can summon when the situation calls for their expertise.

Wanna get back in touch with your Wise Self?

What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapy approach that involves us mediating with our inner parts the same way we might do with other humans: around a (metaphorical) conference table or a delicious meal.

As in any family or organization, each member may gravitate towards different roles:

• The Planner

• The Jokester

• The Trouble Maker

• The Golden Child

• The Lost Child

• …and so on

In a group, it may seem as if ONE person is the problem and others are totally fine, but it’s actually the polarized feedback loop BETWEEN members that’s the real issue.

Even in family therapy, things become worse if the therapist takes sides or plays favorites. When it comes to your own inner world of parts, you might accidentally do the same with your own parts without you even knowing it, labeling some parts as “GOOD”, others as “BAD”, and overlooking or ignoring some other parts completely.

In IFS language, your inner parts usually fall somewhere along three camps:

Managers (Proactive Protector)

Very “functional” but rigid, critical parts that try to prevent problems before they happen, via planning, controlling, overthinking, people-pleasing, or judging.

Firefighters (Reactive Protector)

Very “addictive” parts that try to increase pleasure, decrease pain, or both by over- or under-doing things (e.g., overeating, overworking, oversleeping, procrastinating, avoiding conflict)., or any extreme addictive patterns (e.g., binging, doomscrolling, gambling, porn, etc.).

Exiles (or Exiled Parts)

Very “yucky” parts who hold your deeply human needs, most vulnerable emotions, and core wounds, but get rejected by your outer world (i.e., other people around you) and/or your inner world (i.e., by your Managers & Firefighters)

As in family therapy, healing begins when each member recognize that it’s the polarized all-good/all-bad ROLES they’ve been pegged into that’s the issue, not the members themselves.

All parts are worthy, and all are welcome. We just need to clear up some misunderstanding and repair some ruptures.

When each part realizes how they’ve (accidentally) fed into their LOSE-LOSE power struggles and instead start to relax towards others, then they can all start reversing their vicious cycle into a WIN-WIN arrangement.

In an ideal world, YOU in your most rested, wisest, grounded Self-state would be like the family therapist.

However, some of your Protector parts (Managers/Firefighters) may not (yet) trust you to be able to do that well or feel deeply resentful towards you. When earlier times of your life were scary, chaotic, or overwhelming, your Protectors did keep you safe. It’s just that they feel like they still need to work hard on your behalf for whatever reason.

Many of your Protectors are (understandably) terrified that you might either lose control or get taken over by the “icky” Exiled parts that tend to come with intense feelings of shame, sadness, rage, etc. that they’ve been working their asses off to keep under control.

That’s where an IFS therapist like myself can step in to help. Think of us as a neutral, safe, fair, and trustworthy Mediator where everyone can begin to relax more so that they don’t have to be as on edge with each other.

How exactly does IFS Therapy work?

As I would when facilitating a conversation with various people who may have beef with each other, I may work with one or a few parts at a time, often beginning with the Protector parts who’ve been working so hard and may feel exhausted, mistrustful, and/or resentful.

After we (you & me) gain their trust and permission, then we get to know the Exiled parts (who usually are willing to reduce their intensity of feelings if they can trust that we will give them attention).

As with any Mediator, I’m not coming in to be a Ruler in your Inner Kingdom, to tell you what to do or run your life. I am here to help you get back in touch with your Rightful Ruler Self so that YOU can bring peace & harmony back into your inner world and help (all of) you flourish.

If you know you have intense reactions or feelings that head you to feel out of control or crazy, I can help bring in more peace, calm, and order to your inner world!

(I am certified in Brainspotting, which is another way for your body to process through intense feelings more smoothly & deeply, especially if you don’t quite have words for what you’re feeling! There’s a type of Brainspotting specifically for parts, called Partspotting.)

It can feel scary for you to open yourself up to a realm that your Protectors have worked so hard for you to avoid or clamp down, but I promise that on the other side it’ll all feel WORTH IT!

You’ll get to know entire dimensions of yourself you never knew existed and will be able to tap into a wealth of inner resources and gifts that can help you thrive in all areas of your life.

Ready for more calm, confidence, and clarity in your life?