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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
How to Get UNSTUCK from DISCONTENT
Feeling stuck and dissatisfied with life? Use this vision exercise so that you can break out of the swamp of discontent and break down big, abstract dreams into concrete, bite-sized actionable steps.
Complacent with Feeling Dissatisfied?
Have you found yourself settling for your current job or relationship? Maybe you feel detached but not quite unhappy enough to make a change.
You might be STUCK in a sense of idleness, comfortable with the security even when you feel uninspired or dissatisfied.
You might get stuck in the meaningless monotony because you undervalue your own talent or capacity for meaningful life or overly accept messages that you don’t matter or don’t deserve better or can’t do great things.
You might escape or get lost in fantasy rather than actually taking concrete action steps to make these ideals a reality. You may sigh wistfully and think, “That must be nice,” and then chug away at the same-old, same-old.
Your fear of the unknown might overwhelm you and tell you to play it safe. What’s toxic but familiar might feel more manageable than what’s awesome but unfamiliar. Even though the current situation sucks, at least you know what’s coming.
You might have tried taking action in the past, but were told, “It’s unrealistic.” “How are you going to make a living?" “Grow up. You can’t always do things you like.” (Not realizing that sometimes other people project their OWN bitterness, head trash, and grief,) You fold up that bright vision board, tuck it inside a journal, place it back on the shelf. After a few years, your mind forgets, but your heart doesn’t, and every once in a while you feel the agitated pull towards that SOMETHING that seems so distant but oh so lovely and familiar.
You may not know exactly WHAT to change in your life and HOW, but THAT you long for something different - that’s a great place to be! I’ll walk you through an exercise I do with my clients in therapy to help you crystalize your grand ideals, make them concrete and actionable, and map out your quest to make it all happen.
Spoiler Alert: the condensed version of this exercise is FEEL, then THINK, then DO.
CONTAIN: Set a Final Deadline.
When I’m working with someone who is so stuck in their life, work, or relationships, I start with one simple question:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place TWO YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “Meh, I think I can hang in there for a few more years,” then it’s as if they can AFFORD to settle and putter around for longer. Then my follow up question is:
Can you see yourself being in the exact same place FIVE YEARS from now?
If the answer is, “HELL NO!!” to either of the two questions, then we have a final deadline - the absolute point of no return they NEVER, EVER want to reach if they can do anything about it.
Bump up the timeline from five years to three years, etc. until you find the threshold of dissatisfaction, the point at which you notice negative emotions. (Contrary to public opinion, emotions like nausea 🤢🤮, anger 🤬, fear/dread 😨 are very useful signals to what the hard deadline is.)
Once there’s a hard deadline, NOW you can reverse engineer to defining the concrete, doable action steps you can start taking in present day.
NOTE: If the answer is even the five-year question is still “Meh, yes,” we might have a different issue altogether. Maybe emotions of shame 😞, guilt 😔, or numbness 😑 might be on hyperdrive, so that those might have to get addressed first before doing this exercise. Maybe your outlook on life is one where you’re supposed to just “hang in there” or not have any desires or needs. If this is the case, professional therapy would be a good call.
DREAM BIG. Like, REAL BIG.
Now that you have a deadline, let’s figure out the destination.
If _______ years from now you were EXACTLY where you WANT to be, what would your ideal life/job/relationship look like?
Brainstorm a list of words (in no particular order) or scribble with colors until you run out of things to put on paper. These could even be things that seem silly or “out there” - that’s the point!!
For the purposes of this exercise, DON’T put any restrictions on yourself. Too often, people prematurely judge, censor, or edit their dreams and vision so that they shoot the baby in the cradle.
Don’t settle and do more of the same (you’ll end up in the same spot). Give yourself PERMISSION to imagine BEYOND what seems within your reach, what’s DIFFERENT from how things are now.
If you’re feeling stuck, practice connecting with your EMOTIONS, which are directly connected to your deepest, legitimate needs. What needs to show up in your life so that you feel FREE? INVIGORATED? BELONGING? AT PEACE?
NOTE: Sometimes our daydreams and fantasies reveal what we need in ways that our thinking brain won’t allow ourselves to connect with. What scenarios or images do you tend to daydream or fantasize about?
Pull that vision chart you tucked into your shelf. Ignore all other critics - they’ve gotten a lot of airtime already.
Map Out Your Path
After you’ve exhausted your imagination and ideas, pick 1-3 things that you really want (these may be abstract or concrete). On a new sheet of paper (sometimes I use a big whiteboard) write:
Destination (2-5 years)
In ____ YEARS, I want:
To live in a city that’s close to national parks.
To upgrade my friendships (1-2 close friends, 5-7 social friends)
To choose a career path where I get to be energized and creative, not monotonous and meaningless.
Milestone (1 year)
The vision is set and nonnegotiable, but HOW you practically get there is still up in the air. NOW is the time to bring back the critics (treat them as CONSULTANTS - ultimately, you’re the boss!) so that they can help you build a concrete action plan around these visions.
In order to implement my visions, ONE YEAR from now, I need to:
Create a list of 2-4 different cities in the US that might be potential places to live, visiting at least one of them.
Create distance/boundaries with Friends X and Y. Create 1-2 new friendships.
Research 3-5 career options that involve creativity and spontaneity. Narrow list down to 1-2 options at the end of the year.
Consider SMART goals, or goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Sensitive.
Create Actionable Steps
Keep breaking these down into smaller and more manageable steps.
Checkpoint (3 Months - 1 quarter)
In order to implement my goals, THREE MONTHS from now, I need to:
Book a 1-week trip sometime this year to one of these cities.
Find a therapist who’s a great fit and learn more about my relationship patterns.
Pick one career option and do extensive research on what’s involved (grad school, relocation, etc.).
Benchmark (1 Month)
In order to implement my projects, ONE MONTH from now, I need to:
Pick a city I’ve always dreamed about living in and research what it’s like to live there (cost of living, public transportation, demographics).
Try at least 2-3 sessions with a new therapist.
Meet up with 1-2 people who’ve successfully changed their careers and are happy and thriving. Reach out to a career coach.
Step (1 week)
Don’t include these items on the board, but rather on sticky notes, since you’ll be going through a LOT of them over the year. Tasks should be bite-sized no-brainers, actions you can take within 5-10 minutes.
In order to implement my assignments, ONE WEEK from now, I need to:
Start saving $300 per month in a travel fund. Brainstorm some cities I’m intrigued in.
Read a blog about finding a therapist and clarify what I need. Contact 1-3 therapists.
Ask around for recommendations for a career coach or someone who’s changed careers. Contact them.
TAKE ACTION!
The short summary of this exercise is FEEL (dream), THINK (plan), then DO (action). You’ve done the first two already (by connecting with your emotions/needs and your consultants), so the next thing now is to DO THE TASKS!
No more hemming and hawing, dragging your feet, or making excuses. If you find yourself stuck again, chances are your tasks are actually assignments or projects (i.e., they could be broken down into even smaller steps.) Break it down into bite-size, then DO THE THINGS!
As you repeat this process every week (tasks), month (assignments), quarter (projects), and year (goal), you’ll find yourself actually closer to making your 2-5 year vision a reality.
No more waiting and being stuck!! Let’s get to it!!
If you’re needing help (or a switch kick in the tush), check out therapy or coaching!
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Life Timeline: A Bird's-Eye View of Your Life
As a follow-up exercise to the Top 10 Best/Worst Memories List, the Life Timeline helps you visually see what larger periods of your life were like and recognize what kinds of needs were and weren’t met.
Emotions Running into the Present
In my last blog post, Top 10 List: Using Memories to Change Your Life, we discussed how to identify common emotional themes in a Top 10 Memory List. This list will be helpful for the Life Timeline activity.
Like the Top 10 List, the Life Timeline will help us discover common themes among our strongest emotional memories, but in a visual form.
Refer to your own Top 10 List, like the example below for this activity.
How to Create a Life Timeline
Draw a horizontal line on paper and plot years on this line in increments of 2 to 5 years. This is the base of your Life Timeline.
Using your Top 10 Best Memory List, plot the positive memories (green) ABOVE the timeline.
From Top 10 Worst Memories List, plot the negative memories (orange) BELOW your timeline.
Then, plot the neutral life events (blue) in the middle, such as moving, the birth of a family member, or beginning college.
Evaluating the Life Timeline
As with your Top 10 Memory List, identify common themes that cut through various memories with a bird’s-eye view.
What themes stand out to you? (e.g., “When problems arise, I feel I have no one to turn to.”)
Did some of your best and worst memories take place around any neutral life events?
Did some of your best and worst memories happen during specific periods of your life? (e.g., during childhood or college.)
What underlying emotions or reactions emerge from these memories?
Which periods were generally positive? Which were generally difficult?
Do you notice any familiar patterns? (e.g., loneliness, work-related stress, etc.)
Are any people in your life connected to these patterns?
Now that you’ve considered the themes and patterns of your Life Timeline, color code the periods of your life that have a generally positive or negative emotional undercurrent. Which two or three emotions would you use to describe these periods?
Untying the Emotional Knots
The Life Timeline allows us to visualize some of our most pivotal memories by stretching them over our lives, connecting them to ages and other life events. This visual, bird’s-eye view helps us reconnect seemingly isolated memories into the emotional undercurrent of our lives. As we become more aware of how emotions tie into our memories, we can better anticipate our emotional responses to new events as they arise.
What you feel indicates what you need in order to untie these difficult emotional knots. Identifying these rigid patterns is the first step to clarifying your needs, which makes it easier to get them met. Refer to your discoveries today and allow them to guide you into creating a better future. Now that you’ve defined some of your needs, impactful moments, and emotional undercurrents, we can determine how these build into your behaviors, and how the behaviors of yourself and others in your life can be safe or unsafe. The “Safe People” blog will help gauge your connections and provide a foundation for healthy relationships.
How does your family of origin experiences & patterns shape how you live & love today?
Wanna map out your relationship dynamics as influenced by your family of origin? Check out this blog about genograms, the family tree’s fancy cousin that has so much more info than just who’s who!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting is a brain-based processing method similar to EMDR that channels the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding specific eye positions (Brainspots) linked to unprocessed stress experiences stored in the brain and letting the body “detox”.
Thousand-Mile Stare
You may have seen people stare off blankly into space, deeply reflecting on something or being emotionally detached from what’s happening around them. They're not really looking AT anything, in particular but just off into the distance in that general direction. Their eyes are directed outward, but their focus is directed inward. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is attempting to process through a memory with the emotions and thoughts related to it.
When we see others doing this, we often wonder, "Are they okay?" and shake them out of it. Sometimes, we might be hurt or offended and say, "Are you listening to me?" because it seems like they're not (to be fair, they probably aren't, so it's okay for you to feel hurt). In shaking the person back to reality, they might be able to "come back" to the present to engage whatever is in front of them (i.e., continue the conversation, work, drive).
However, THAT they're spacing out isn't bad per se. THAT they're often in a daze or daydreaming might indicate that their body is needing an intentional regular space to sort through their internal experiences. The issue is they might:
Do it at the wrong time or at the wrong place (e.g., in the middle of work)
Accidentally further upset themselves and make reactive decisions that make matters worse (e.g., they get triggered at work, ruminate on it throughout the day, become more upset, then come home and kick the dog).
Their bodies are TRYING to take care of themselves but are unsuccessful at it. During these times, they probably need someone else who’s steady and grounded to serve as an anchor as they're doing a deep dive into their unconscious. They need someone who's trained to be attuned to them, not interfere with their processing, and pull them back to the surface when it's time.
For these individuals, Brainspotting therapy would be a great resource for them.
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a brain-based processing method that taps into the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that often generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding the specific eye positions that directly connect to where unprocessed stress is stored in the brain so that the body can “detox”.
Brainspotting directly accesses our “lower brain” where emotionally charged experiences are stored, far out of reach of the thinking “higher brain.” By doing so, we can process them more deeply and rapidly than we might with traditional talk therapy or with reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning useful skills.
Our bodies pick up stimuli (body sensations, emotions, information, etc.) throughout the day that is supposed to get processed often when we’re in deep sleep (REM cycle) but also when we’re in a reflective, meditative trance-like state (intentionally thinking about something and feeling the emotions that come with it).
However, when we experience something that’s too new, too scary, or too overwhelming, that overloads our bodies’ natural ability to process and heal. These stimuli can get “stuck” in our bodies in splintered form, waiting until the conditions are right in the future for us to deliberately process them. Unfortunately, most people aren’t practiced in going back to process old things, so these old things just sit there, pile up, and fester until something new happens that dumps all that old, past unprocessed stuff into the present and makes things messier. This is what being triggered means.
Think of it as what happens when we have leftovers: because we can’t finish the meal in one sitting, we save it for later. A lot of times, many of us forget that we have leftovers to finish, and we find out only when we open the fridge to see that there’s no more room or when things start to smell.
Brainspotting jumpstarts the body’s natural processing mechanism to sort out the old stuff into different piles:
What to keep (long-term memory)
What to process (emotions associated with past events that need to be experienced/expressed)
What to throw away (old perspectives, irrelevant details)
Afterwards, the “fridge” gets cleared out so that there’s more room to take in new things. When the old stuff is fully processed, the person won’t be triggered as often or intensely, thereby becoming able to be fully present to engage whatever’s in front of them, respond accordingly, and perhaps even to enjoy the moment.
How Do I Sign Up?
If you find yourself often:
getting stuck on a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and memories
lashing out at others and having to apologize later
staring off into space or daydreaming, when you really need to pay attention
having trouble focusing or remembering things
procrastinating and beating yourself up for it
easily getting knocked off emotional balance
feeling like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, or overreaction is a daily reality
…then Brainspotting Therapy might be a good fit for you.
If you’re in California, let’s work together!
Learn how Brainspotting works in a related post!
If you want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How Online Therapy Can Help
Grab a blanket, your favorite cup of coffee, and a journal! When social distancing and quarantine are the ways to keep yourself and loved ones safe from coronavirus (COVID-19), online therapy can help you get care and support in the comfort of your home.
How Online Therapy Can Help in the Time of Coronavirus
In light of the major disruptions that COVID-19 caused on all levels of society, anxiety levels have gone through the roof. Uncertainty surrounding the future, physical health, loved ones’ well-being, social life, finances, and even groceries puts great pressure on our mental, emotional, and relational health.
As we are all experiencing the effects of social distancing and shelter-in-place, now is the time to consider whether online therapy might be right for you. (Phone sessions also count as what’s called Telehealth.)
If you’ve only done in-person sessions:
Online therapy does involve some adjusting. Naturally, your brain is used to being in the same room as your therapist, but usually 1-3 sessions is all you need until your body gets the hang of it. Before you even know it, you’re able to process just as well as before, if not more deeply because you’re in your own space.
The room has changed, but your therapist has not. Your therapist can still follow you well, paying close attention to what you say (or don’t) with words and nonverbal cues.
If this is your first time in therapy:
Imagine doing FaceTime with a close friend. How do you feel talking to them about what you’re doing through? It might still be scary, but if they responded well enough in the past, you may have enough courage to share a bit more. After you do so, you feel better for it - you feel more known, less alone, and encouraged to keep going.
Therapy is similar in that way: you’re sharing important things to someone who knows and cares for you. Therapy is definitely not equivalent to a friendship (as it’s a one-way relationship), but I do have your best interest and your desired outcome in mind. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to, but am going to check in often to see if I’m getting you well. How you feel matters.
Therapy will be done at a pace that feels right for you. Online therapy can help you build connection on your turf, without needing to worry about what pants you’re wearing.
Suit up in your PJs, and let’s get to it!
Benefits of Online Therapy (Telehealth)
There are tons of advantages that online therapy can offer:
You can meet in the comfort of your home with your favorite coffee mug, plush blanket, and jammies!
Or you can meet during a lunch break. (You just need secure, steady internet connection and a private space.)
No traffic/parking/commute time.
More flexible scheduling and the possibility for more frequent and shorter sessions.
More insurance companies are covering online therapy in light of COVID-19 (*check if your plan also covers out-of-network providers or only paneled therapists*)
A wider pool of therapists who specialize in what you need without any additional commute (make sure they're in your the same state).
I am located in the San Francisco Bay Area in California (San Jose, Santa Clara, Saratoga, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Willow Glen, Sunnyvale).
How It Works
I use the telehealth feature of Simple Practice, which is the same platform I use for all my intake forms, scheduling, and billing. As a platform that thousands of therapists use, Simple Practice uses cutting edge technology to ensure the privacy and security of sensitive information.
When it’s time for our session, click on the secure link you will receive via email. You will be able to see a page where your video and mine will pop up.
Wherever you choose to “meet”, make sure to:
Secure a quiet, private space (no interruptions or others barging in). Use headphones.
Use a computer, tablet, or phone that has a microphone and camera.
Have access to secure, steady internet connection. (Phone sessions may still be an option.)
Close all other browsers and programs so that we can have full bandwidth usage and to minimize lags/drops in connection.
Get comfortable! Dress comfortably or grab a blanket. Prep a journal, tissues, and a cup of tea/coffee/water.
Ready to Begin?
FAQs about Online Counseling
Is it as Good as in-person therapy?
Thousands of people have found online sessions to be just as effective (if not more) than in-person sessions. As a therapist who has been seeing my most recent therapist solely through online sessions, I was first skeptical as to whether it would be as good as being in the same physical room as my therapist. After one or two sessions, though, I was pleasantly surprised how easily I could connect with my thoughts and emotions, just as much as I did in face-to-face sessions. I also appreciated the convenience of being able to meet wherever, as long as I had steady, secure internet connection.
Is Online Therapy for Me?
Virtual therapy can be a great way to get support, but it’s not for everyone:
Those unable to acquire secure, steady internet connection (phone sessions may still be an option)
Those unable to acquire a safe, private space (no locked doors, thin walls, housemates barging in often)
Those diagnosed with a major mental illness such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or severe depression who require higher level of care
Those struggling with significant alcohol or substance abuse
Those experiencing suicidal thoughts (call 911 or seek immediate care at your nearest emergency department, and follow up with a local in-person therapist)
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
How to Help a Loved One Ground: Sensory Recall
If your loved ones are feeling really overwhelmed with “big feelings” like anxiety, anger, or sadness, here’s one way to help them anchor themselves to the present and reduce stress using the five senses.
In a previous post, I shared a technique called Top 2/Bottom 2 to help you manage your own stress using the five senses. In this post, I share an easy step-by-step tip on how to help someone else ground when they’re feeling overwhelmed with strong emotions using sensory recall.
Sensory Recall: Using the 5 Senses
When your loved one is experiencing high stress, it can be easy for them to get lost in their emotions, lose connection with what’s happening in the here-and-now, and become increasingly reactive. The exercise described below can help someone reconnect with what’s happening in the present, away from what their emotions are often mistakenly interpreting them to be.
NOTE: This exercise is NOT meant to imply that what a person is feeling is bad and that the emotion must therefore be pushed away. Our emotions are really important in revealing what legitimate needs we have, but when they’re so loud that our ability to sort through them is overloaded, it’s sometimes better to decrease the volume first. Exercises like the one below can help turn back on the part of the other person’s brain that helps with their processing.
Note the 5 senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste.
Ask your loved one: “What is…”
After sensory recall, say:
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath, notice where you are physically in this moment.
Place your hand over your heart.
Repeat after me: “Right now, in this moment, I am okay.”
This is one of many ways to help our loved ones ground their bodies from a state of panic to one of calmness. It is not a cure-all approach, since it does require for there to already have been enough rapport and connection between you two. If the other person doesn’t seem to respond well to this (for example, because they feel you’re trying to dismiss their emotions), here is another approach: How to Be a Rabbit.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Living Wholehearted: Emotions Help Us Thrive
Emotions are an essential part of life and relationships. Try as you might, you won’t be able to get rid of them…and there’s no need to! Anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and sadness reveal legitimate needs that all of us have. As we reintegrate emotions back into our lives, we are empowered to engage life to the fullest.
Me, Age 12.
Queen of RBF (Resting Bitch Face)
"You look pissed."
"Stop pouting."
"Why are you souring the mood? We were having such a good time.
I was born into an immigrant family from a motherland culture who didn't do feelings well. Emotions were avoided, shunned, and buried underground, where they went into the blackmarket and reemerged in not-so-great ways. Tons of people around me labored endlessly, in school or work or church. They plastered happy faces in public and came home to stress and misery. This is how life was supposed to be...apparently. Back then, I didn't know how emotions help us thrive.
Three Cardinal Rules of Shamedom
There are three messages that govern families and organizations where addiction, abuse, and dysfunction run rampant:
- Don't talk.
- Don't trust.
- Don't feel.
Those who grow up in such contexts develop distorted views of themselves, others, and life that in turn influence their decisions, leading to painful experiences that then reinforce those messages. This creates a perpetuating cycle of SHAME.
Without appropriate ways to attend to pain or people to offer care, individuals turn to addictive substances or activities (including overworking, overeating, overexercising, over-anything) that are meant to reduce pain and/or enhance pleasure but end up doing neither. Rather, these very things further drive people into isolation to drown in their chaotic emotions. Such was the case for me.
Suppression, Isolation, & Restlessness,
NOT Silence, Solitude, & Stillness
I was born a deep feeler into a context where feelings weren't welcome. I had been told most of my life that I'm "too sensitive", "too emotional", or "too negative"...as if I was trying to be that way on purpose. I've been taught that our mind and our will are more important than our emotions: we're supposed to push aside what we're feeling and THINK "correctly" and DO "rightly". Mind and Will OVER Emotions.
Without a safe place to go, I dove headlong into things I felt I was good at and had more control over: academics, work, and ministry (with some video gaming and fantasizing on the side).
I kept things stuffed for as long as I could until I just couldn't. My emotions were just bottled up within me, amplifying themselves and becoming messier, nearly impossible to handle, and leaking out everywhere.
Years of depression and anxiety ensued, with strained relationships trailing behind. I didn't know how to smile, even if I tried.
Putting Pieces Together
It was after college that I started going to therapy. All my life, I felt like there was something wrong with me, because I knew deeply how messed up I was inside when everyone else seemed fine (HELLO SHAME). Through these sessions, I learned that, most likely, I'm actually in the vast majority: MOST people don't know how to do feelings and think that others are doing better. When everyone does that, everyone is stuck in isolation and shame. LOSE-LOSE-LOSE.
It's been over a decade since I began this journey of healing and growing. I've learned a lot about how essential emotions are for our personal well-being, our relationships, and life in general. Emotions help us THRIVE and I had no idea.
Becoming Whole and Living Wholehearted
In my personal journey of becoming more whole and my professional track of becoming a therapist myself, I've learned about emotional health, relationships, and neurobiology. There are two resources that I've found useful:
The Enneagram, a personality framework that reveals our reactive modes of thinking, feeling, and doing
Brainspotting, a type of body-based trauma therapy that reboots our natural ability to soothe our body’s reactivity
These two things have taught me just how much our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies are interconnected, NOT mutually exclusive or hierarchical. These aspects of us go hand in hand (or hand -’n-heart-’n-head), so it would be wise to consider and address them as such.
How do you become healthy and whole? You attend to ALL aspects of yourself: mind, will, AND emotions.
Me, Age Grown Up and Glown Up
If you’re finding that you’re having trouble knowing what to do with your emotions (which, by the way, includes numbness), perhaps a professional can help you with that. I specifically help people who struggle with painful relationships and the “difficult” emotions of anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create vibrant connections.
Talk, Trust, Feel.
In a world where stress seems the norm and pain begets more pain, let’s REVERSE the Three Cardinal Rules of Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.
Let us all become wholesome, integrated, connected people who makes decisions from wisdom, not reactivity. Let us together make this world spin for the better.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
“The Mask”, featuring Jim Carrey, is a great movie that illustrates what the Enneagram types are like: masks (or personas) we don until we become so “fused” with them that we forget our true selves. Read this blog to learn about your mask!