Change of Perspective
If you're someone who gets frustrated because you feel like you're getting tripped up by the same things over and over again, here's a quick tip for you.
All of us have triggers, we all have pain points to heal from. That is not an issue. Our triggers are our body's way of signaling that there's an important thing that we need to heal from or important needs that are not yet getting met.
It's really important to pay attention to our triggers instead of taking our triggers as signals that there's something wrong with us. You're already in a lot of pain, you're already in a lot of stress. Don’t add to it!
One way of grounding is by switching from an ALL or NOTHING perspective to a GRADIENT perspective.
Instead of thinking of WHETHER you get triggered (“Yes, I got triggered”, “No, I didn't get triggered”) consider it as HOW you get triggered.
If you think about the how you get a lot more QUALITATIVE data so that, even when things are imperfect (or even when you still have things to heal from), that's a non-issue. You might still actually have made a lot of progress and a lot of movement that keeps you motivated to keep doing the work.
One way you can consider the HOW or the qualitative data is by observing how your triggers might show up across four different dimensions:
Frequency
Intensity
Duration
Direction
Frequency
On a scale of 1 (every once in a while) to 10 (every day), how often did you get triggered around a specific issue?
Before, you might have gotten triggered almost every day on feeling rejected that you were constantly in a state of agitation.
Nowadays, you might still get triggered from time to time, but maybe it's once a week or anytime you interact with a particular unsafe person (sometimes a family member).
Then you can actually give yourself credit that, on the whole, you’re able to retain your balance or take good care of yourself.
It's just that every once in a while (maybe specific times of the year or when interacting with that asshole), you might have to take better care of yourself to be proactive in keeping your balance.
Intensity
On a scale of 1 (barely feel it) to 10 (I can’t take it anymore!), how painful does this trigger feel?
You might have the frequency stay exactly the same (i.e., every day) but maybe the sting decreases over time. Maybe it used to feel at an 8 (I’m so aggravated!), but nowadays it’s a 5 (it bothers me, but I can focus on other things).
You still have to deal with a situation or you still have to deal with how you're feeling, but because it's not as intense, you're able to maintain your footing a lot better.
Or you've learned some tips around how to buffer, take care of yourself, maybe create boundaries, have hard conversations, etc. so that things don't escalate to that same degree.
Duration
On a scale of 1 (5 minutes) to 10 (several weeks), how long does your trigger state last?
Often these dimensions do interact with each other where the more you get triggered (or more intensely you get triggered), the more likely you're going to be staying in a triggered state.
The longer we stay in a triggered state, the more likely it will make reactive decisions — for example, emotional eating, overworking, under working, drinking a lot, Netflix binging — all those things where you might stay in that stressed state so your pain becomes more prolonged.
Over time as you do your personal work in therapy or in other kinds of inner work experiences, you might find that you don't stay in that state as long.
You found other helpful ways for you to regain your balance once you lose your footing (like going for a run or talking to a friend). Then the duration itself might also change over time.
Measure your trigger along these three dimensions once a quarter on a gradient 10-point scale instead of a YES or NO metric.
These numbers aren't quite linear. Think of a Richter scale for earthquakes: each number you bump down makes it 10 times easier for you to take good care of yourself or to maintain your balance.
Direction
When you get triggered, do you tend to direct it to the relevant party or misdirect it elsewhere?
Often our triggers prompt us to express our pain or emotions onto unsuspecting passersby; they were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Let's say someone who gets chewed up by their boss at work. They get frustrated but they don't actually bring it up to their boss. Instead, they come home and kick the dog. The dog had nothing to do with it.
Or maybe they take out their (legit) frustration on their uninvolved partner who's trying to load the dishwasher.
When there’s misdirection of pain, hard things get harder. What starts as an issue between you and your boss becomes you + boss + dog + partner.
What happens when you get triggered? Where do you direct that pain or what do you do with it?
Some people might direct towards other people. Others might direct it towards work, exercise, an activity, a substance, etc.
The more we misdirect our pain, the further we get away from healing our pain and getting our needs met.
When that happens, we CREATE stress.
The more quickly we're able to direct that towards an appropriate source, the more readily we can address the core issue.
Appropriate direction might look like processing the topic in therapy, journaling, bringing up the hurt with the involved party (IF they’re not abusive; if they are, best to process in therapy), addressing the problem directly (calling the credit card company to contest the charge).
When we address the initial issue directly, the other three dimensions (frequency, intensity, and duration) will be lowered as well.
Check in With Yourself
Again the issue isn't WHETHER we get triggered. We WILL get triggered. Getting triggered is not an issue, per se — our body is trying to tell us that we have important things to attend to.
The issue is more HOW we get triggered, along the four dimensions: frequency, intensity, duration, and direction.
Check in with yourself regarding how things have been this past year. On the last page of a journal, write down your answers to the four dimensions across four quarters.
(1) FREQUENCY
On a scale of 1 (every once in a while) to 10 (every day), how often did you get triggered around a specific issue?
(2) INTENSITY
On a scale of 1 (barely feel it) to 10 (I can’t take it anymore!), how painful does this trigger feel?
(3) DURATION
On a scale of 1 (5 minutes) to 10 (several weeks), how long does your trigger state last?
(4) DIRECTION
When you get triggered, do you tend to direct it (O) to the relevant party or misdirect it elsewhere (X)?
If the results changed over time, write down what positive events, negative events, or other factors that resulted in those outcomes so you have more nuanced info.
Examples:
Positive factors: tax issue resolved, left toxic work, started walking
Negative factors: a breakup, diabetes diagnosis
Other notes: Year 2 for business
Reflection Questions
If this were to be projected onto the next year ahead for the next several quarters, what do you think might happen?
As each of these metrics go down, what have you noticed?
How much better can you breathe?
How much more relaxed are you?
How have your weeks looked like?
What is one concrete thing you can do differently this week to help bump down your numbers?
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!