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Who is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?
The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who has the four distinctive traits DOES: (D) Depth of Processing, (O) Overstimulation, (E) Emotional Reactivity & Empathy, and (S) Sensitivity to Subtle Stimuli. HSPs help our society become more empathic, reflective, and interconnected. Learn more about life as an HSP and their specific needs.
Who are Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)?
I don’t know about you, but I have been told many, many times that I am just too damn sensitive because my mood changes very often, or I notice the slightest changes in lighting or notice lint on the ground, and I can’t “just get over it.” So I’m here to talk about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) trait, and I’ll describe the four main distinctive features of the HSP.
HSPs comprise 20% of the population. That’s a BIG amount of people. It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a problem. But a lot of the challenges that HSPs like myself face is that technically, we’re in the minority. We’re the minority in a country and a context that’s not very kind to minorities, so often HSPs feel very misunderstood. They feel judged and shamed because they don’t fit the mold for what the rest of the population tends to experience just fine.
D.O.E.S.: The 4 Traits of HSPs
The acronym D-O-E-S, these four letters correspond with the traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs. So they are:
D is for DEPTH of processing.
O is for OVERSTIMULATION
E is for EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY and EMPATHY
S is for SENSITIVITY to subtle stimuli
D: DEPTH of Processing
HSPs tend to take in a lot more quality and quantity of information from the world around them. Imagine a person being a blu-ray imaging in a DVD world. Compared to the vast majority of the population, HSPs take in far more stimuli like what’s happening, sensory information, emotional information.
Not only do they take in a lot more quality and quantity of data, but they also run that through a very fine sieve internally. They are very deliberate, very thoughtful, very reflective and it takes a while. Usually, you can’t just throw information at them; HSPs usually need some time away to process and digest everything. They’re not as speedy as some of the rest of y’all might want HSPs to be.
O: OVERSTIMULATION
Due to Depth of Processing, HSPs often get OVERSTIMULATED. Because of all the stimuli that’s taken in from the outside and all the churning that’s happening on the inside, HSPs get overwhelmed very easily. As a result, the nervous system tends to shut down more, causing HPSs to overwhelm easily. Their minds get very fogged, their eyes glaze over, they are very frazzled and irritable. This happens not necessarily because they are angry, but they are trying to take in and digest all the stuff their bodies have absorbed from around them.
To deal with this, HSPs may need to have some dedicated time in very low-stimuli environments—silence, solitude, and stillness. They need to get away from all the noise and all the people. For myself, after a long day, I need to take a good 10-15 minutes with the lights off, in my room, by myself, under a weighted blanket. It helps my body come back online. So if HSPs withdraw, it might not necessarily be because they don’t want to talk to you, it might be because they are overwhelmed.
E: EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY + EMPATHY
I mentioned HSPs take in a lot of outside information. Part of that information is around EMOTIONS. Because they notice subtleties in facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, they’re able to pick up on the emotional cues of other people. This is not something they do on purpose. It’s very reflexive; it happens without them knowing it. But because they are attuned to the emotional feelings of other people, they might feel feelings about other people’s emotions, not just because they might sense some of the pain they are experiencing, but because if they see an angry or grumpy expression in someone else, their own nervous system starts responding accordingly.
Not only that, HSPs tend to be very reflective internally, so they can even notice the nuances in their own emotional experiences. Sometimes HSPs can have feelings about their own feelings, so they may find themselves in an emotional feedback loop. They start looking internally, and the more they focus on the different nuances of emotions, they build up like a snowball. All this focus on the details starts amplifying themselves, which is why HSPs are often seen as being very sensitive or very emotional.
S: SENSITIVITY to Subtle Stimuli
If you think about the 5 senses — sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing — HSPs pick up on those really readily. This is a great thing in some instances, like they are very good with the arts or aesthetics because they have a dedicated focus on making sure things are in good harmony or aligned well. This can also backfire, like noticing the scratchy tags on the back of the shirt or being really bothered that a particular picture frame is out of alignment, etc. The sensitivity can be a double-edged sword.
Resources for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Remember the 4 traits that distinguish HSPs from non-HSPs, D-O-E-S (Depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity and empathy, and sensitivity to subtle stimuli). If all these 4 things (to varying degrees) resonate with you, there’s a good chance you might be a Highly Sensitive Person. Again, this is not a diagnosis. And HSPs are also different from each other, so you’ll resonate with these things on a spectrum.
The reason it’s important for people to know whether or not they are HSPs is because the things that the rest of the world needs for themselves as non-HSPs don’t always apply to HSPs. Being an HSP in a non-HSP-dominant environment presents some very difficult circumstances. I live in the Silicon Valley in the United States, and there is a high emphasis on being the best or having things be bigger, better, louder, faster. Those are values that don’t often align with the HSP trait. So, if that same person were to live in Japan or another country that is very HSP-friendly, those people will be celebrated, whereas, in this environment, they might have a really hard time.
Find out what your specific needs are because they MATTER. It’s just because they are often misunderstood, it may take a little bit longer for you. If you’re interested in HSPs, you can check out my resource page for HSPs or pick up a copy of the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, which is a fantastic resource. She also wrote some books that specifically serve HSP children and being in love as an HSP or with an HSP.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
How to Ground in Uncertain Times
When you’re feeling inundated with overwhelming information and emotions, grounding techniques can regulate your nervous system and help you stay focused. Here’s one technique to manage your anxiety and overwhelm.
Feeling Like You’re drowning in stress?
The COVID-19 global pandemic released a tsunami of changes throughout all levels of society. With the uncertainties that have been stirred up, to say that people are anxious is a severe understatement, and learning how to ground is a remedy for that.
So many people are:
Concerned about their own and their loved ones’ health
Worried about employment and income
Trying to figure out how to pay the bills and keep food on the table
Trying to prevent anyone in the family from killing each other
Trying to figure out how to just get by each day, let alone be productive or creative
Feeling deep shame from seeing others carry on with so much ease and fun
Feeling trapped and alone
Feeling grief and despair
If people have already suffered from depression, anxiety, and strained relationships before all of this, they may be feeling that they’re even more underwater during these times.
If you’re feeling inundated with overwhelming information and emotions, and numbness is the only way to keep sane during these times, grounding techniques can regulate your nervous system and help you stay in the present and focused to do whatever you need to do. Here is one of those techniques.
How to Ground:
Top 2, Bottom 2 +
The 5 Senses Method
Our thoughts and emotions can be everywhere and be about everything. Our bodies, however, can only be at one place at one time. Use your physical body to anchor yourself to the present.
What are Your Top 2/Bottom 2 Senses?
Check in with how you are with each of the five senses: sight, touch, hearing, taste, and smell.
Which are your Top 2 senses that you are MOST connected with and feel most readily stimulated/soothed? (Which senses do you feel the most bothered and/or comforted by?)
Which are your Bottom 2 senses that you are LEAST connected with and that takes the most effort to notice? (Which senses do you forget the most easily?)
USE YOUR TOP 2 TO GROUND:
Survey your living environment with your Top 2 senses in mind. What stands out to you, for better and for worse?
What objects aggravate you that you could replace with something that’s soothing?
How can you reduce what bothers you and increases what comforts you?
(This could also be abstract - for example, scheduling some face-to-face interactions at the end of the day may give your body some relief by offering something pleasant to look forward to.)Check the table below for some specific examples per sense.
Now that a more grounding environment has been created, focus on the Bottom 2 senses that you tend to not notice as often.
Use Your Bottom 2 to Ground:
Distraction is not always a bad thing! Intentionally distracting yourself when you feel overstimulated is a useful self-care skill.
Check the table below for some specific exercises to do to give your brain something else to focus on.
Looking to help your loved ones how to ground? Check out my next post.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
The Four Antidotes: Healer of Relationships
The Four Antidotes undo and prevent the destructive impact of the Four Horsemen on relationships. Learn how to soothe and heal your connection with your loved ones!
In the last entry, I wrote about "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," or four common patterns that erode relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. All of these are responses to and generators of pain. Left unattended, these four horsemen destroy relationships. Attempts to self-preserve lead to other-attack, triggering an ongoing destructive cycle. However, this post discusses the Four Antidotes, healer of relationships.
There is a way to reverse the cycle towards mutual care, compassion, and connection. Through what John Gottman calls the "Four Antidotes," the relationship can eliminate the toxic effects of the horsemen and foster genuine EMPATHY, or the ability to be deeply connected to another while remaining fully oneself.
Going for Win-Win
The goal of the four antidotes is to push each person's empathy button that makes room for both to fully exist in harmony. Here are the four antidotes corresponding with each horseman:
The four antidotes make it possible for each person to be fully valued and connected in their uniqueness. When a problem happens, each person takes ownership of their own role, brings their own gifting, and faces the problem together. In doing so, they become truly compatible: "to suffer together", not alone.
Test Out the Four Antidotes!
All relationships involve pain and conflict. No one is immune. However, the goal of healthy relationships is not to AVOID fighting, but to fight FOR safety and trust TO connect. When things get tough, don't give up. Slow down, do self-care, and explore what may be interfering with your ability to connect with those whom you deeply love.
Like any skill, these four antidotes take focus, feedback, and practice. Here are the steps:
Identify the horsemen you tend to summon.
Identify and try out the corresponding antidotes.
Notice what happens. Does the same cycle happen, or is there a difference?
If any of your horsemen seem stubborn and you feel stuck, you might benefit from individual or couples therapy so that you can unlock your ability to enjoy wholesome, thriving relationships with your loved ones or partner.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
The Four Horsemen: Destroyer of Relationships
If your interactions with your partner consistently lead to more disconnection than connection, it might be because of "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," whose persistent presence signal the end times for the relationship.
We’re Fighting…Again.
“What were you thinking?”
“Here we go again...” (*eye roll*)
"What's wrong with you?"
"Stop being so emotional."
"Well, you're not innocent either."
"Why do you keep bringing it up?"
"Why are you always avoiding things?"
"Get off my back! Stop nagging."
“Why are you shutting me out?”
Sound familiar?
Conflict is a normal part of even the healthiest relationships. It’s the way that two completely different human beings, with their own respective perspectives, experiences, and values, create enough room in the relationship for the both of them to belong and be loved.
That there is conflict is not an issue by itself. However, the way two people fight can make or break the bond.
Is there room in your relationship where both of you deeply KNOW that YOU MATTER, even though you feel or think differently? Or do you consistently feel misunderstood, unheard, disrespected, and unloved?
The Four Horsemen, Destroyer of Relationships
If your interactions with your loved one consistently lead to more disconnection than connection, it might be because of "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," whose persistent presence signal the end times for the relationship. This is from the study of Dr. John Gottman in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”
Protect the Shame Button
The goal of the four horsemen is to protect oneself from the painful feeling of shame that says:
“There’s something wrong with me.”
“I’m a bad person.”
“I’m damaged and unlovable.”
Here's how each horseman does this:
Criticism: Offense is the best defense. Attack before you get attacked.
Defensiveness: Deflect the other’s attacks and point the gun back on them.
Contempt: Make the other feel small and insignificant. Hit 'em where it hurts.
Stonewalling: Abandon ship. Disengage.
Unfortunately, each attempt to self-protect ends up slamming the other person's shame button, thereby summoning their four horsemen and thus stirring up even more fight, flight, or freeze. Each interaction ends up deepening feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment.
Over time, these toxic patterns erode the bond of trust, safety, and connection, creating more room for the horsemen and less room for repair. The cycle of pain continues until the rupture is so deep, it’s difficult to remain connected, let alone be in the same room with the other person anymore.
Friend becomes foe, and housemates become enemies living under the same roof.
Who’s Your Horseman?
When you think back to your relationship patterns, especially with those who matter most to you, which horsemen do you tend to summon without knowing?
What usually happens afterwards?
Were you two able to repair the rupture well enough afterwards, or do you still feel like the unhealed wounds are festering?
Fortunately, each of these horsemen have its corresponding “Antidote” that can reverse the deadly cycle and even draw you two even closer together than ever before. Even if one person changes their own patterns, the relationship shifts for the better immediately.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
See how the Enneagram and genogram reveal trauma, boundaries, and generational patterns in families like the Bridgertons — and maybe yours too!