Autopiloting in Stress
Think about the most recent time you reacted in ways that made things worse.
You got chewed out by your boss at work, came back home agitated, and kicked the dog who bit you back.
You feel overwhelmed and anxious about that big project, yet you find yourself putting it off and beating yourself up about it.
Even though you feel lonely, you have a hard time reaching out to others because you don’t want to burden anyone. So you Netflix binge to numb your feelings, to feel even worse afterward.
Sound familiar?
When our stress levels get past a certain point, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain behind our forehead that makes wise, sound decisions to help us function in life) actually shuts down. In this space, we are more likely to make reactive decisions that often make things worse, not better. Best intentions won’t play out the way we want until we can soothe our nervous system, reduce our stress levels, and turn the prefrontal cortex back online.
When we’re not aware of how we’re doing, we are likely to react and self-destruct because our stress compounds. When we are aware of how we’re doing, we’re more equipped to respond and do self-care that actually reduces stress. Writing out our usual dynamics on paper usually makes it easier for us to notice these patterns in the future, giving us a chance to shift out of reactive habits that usually get us into trouble.
When we are in different states of stress, we tend to exhibit familiar patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. Sometimes we might not realize how stressed we are until we see some of these signs.
Prepare for war during times of peace, not times of war! Plan ahead what you can do to take care of yourself while your prefrontal cortex is active, because when stress levels strike, you’re not going to be able to do that effectively.
The React or Respond Chart is a tool to learn more about your autopilot habits and to preplan some self-care steps. Consider this a cheat sheet for you to refer to when you notice you’re becoming more stressed.
How to Use the React or Respond Chart to Reduce Stress
If I were a fly on the wall observing you in your natural habitat, what are some things I’d see you doing? How would I be able to tell how stressed or relaxed you are?
In this chart, there are three rows (Safe Zone, At-Risk Zone, Danger Zone) and four columns (Behaviors, Emotions, Cognitions, and Self-care/Safety Plan).
The numbers on the left indicates your stress level on a scale of 1 (low stress) to 10 (high stress). Each row describes what you tend to do (Behaviors), feel (Emotions), and think (Cognitions), along with some ways you can take care of yourself (Self-care/Safety Plan) to reduce your stress levels in the corresponding stress “zone” you’re in.
Safe Zone (stress level 1-4) - when you’re the most relaxed, grounded, rested, and energized
At-Risk Zone (stress level 5-7)- when you’re doing well enough to function, but if a few more stressful things happen, it may knock you off balance and tip you over into the red
Danger Zone (stress level 8-10)- when you’re really not doing well and you’re having strong reactions that make things worse for yourself and/or others
Fill this chart in from the bottom up (Safe Zone to Danger Zone) through each of these dimensions of yourself:
Behaviors - What might a fly on the wall see you doing?
Emotions - What do you tend to feel? (Think MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB if you need a starting point)
Cognitions - What do you tend to think about yourself? Others? Life? The world?
Self-care/Safety Plan - What are some activities or exercises you can do to reduce your stress and help you soothe?
*It’s TOTALLY okay if you are having a hard time completing this chart. You might ask someone who knows you well and with whom you feel comfortable to fill this out with you.
Here are some examples:
Safe Zone (stress levels 1-4)
Behaviors - socializing a lot, singing while doing chores, playing music, yoga, hammocking
Emotions - peaceful, excited, energized
Cognitions - I am safe, I know how to do this, others care about me
Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to keep you in the green) - calling a friend to let them know how I’m doing, eating healthily, reading books, find a hobby, meeting with a therapist or life coach routinely to continuously grow
At-Risk Zone (Stress levels 5-7)
Behaviors - keeping to myself, spending more time alone, snapping at others, Netflix binging, tunnel visioned, take things personally, overworking
Emotions - tense, irritable, overwhelmed, rushed
Cognitions - Why do I always have to do things by myself? Others can’t be trusted, or I don’t know how to do this.
Self-care/Safety Plan (what you do to get you back down to the green) - taking a vacation, asking others for help, delegating tasks, working out, put limits on what to focus on, don’t start new projects, meeting with a therapist to learn self-care and stress management skills
Danger zone (stress levels 8-10)
Behaviors - drinking to numb out, trouble sleeping (too much/too little/inconsistent), isolating and not talking to anyone, not going to work, stuck in bed for days at a time, causing fights with loved ones
Emotions - shut down, rage, depressed, hopeless
Cognitions - I hate myself, I hate life, No one’s going to miss me anyway, Things will always be like this, I can never get anything right
Self-care/Safety Plan (how to reduce stress ASAP) - schedule an appointment with a doctor or therapist, call someone you feel most safe with and ask for help in deciding what you need to do next
Reducing Stress: Self-Care & Safety Plan
Whereas the first three columns of Behaviors, Emotions, and Thoughts are what you naturally tend to do without trying, the last column of Self-care/Safety Plan involves things that you would do on purpose. This is where you can identify hobbies or things you gravitate to, such as doing jigsaw puzzles, gardening, playing music, or reaching out to a friend. Self-care is a little different from behavior in that this is meant to keep you in the safe zone (grounded and more energized).
Often when stress levels tend to rise, our hobbies are usually the first things to go, even though they’re precisely what we need SO THAT we can keep our stress levels low. Make sure the activities listed in this box are very simple, concrete, easy things that you can do or start doing within 3 minutes. The more abstract or less defined these activities are, the less likely you’ll actually do them when you need to.
If you’re feeling stuck on this part, talk to a friend or a therapist who can help come up with ideas of things you can realistically do.
When you’ve filled out the chart, make 2-3 copies. Post one copy where you see it often (e.g., the fridge, on your work desk, on your nightstand) and give a copy to someone who can refer to this to care for you well (e.g., partner, close friend, family member, therapist).
What’s Your Baseline?
Based on what you’ve written in the chart, on the 10-point stress scale, what seems to be your baseline stress level nowadays? Do you find yourself around a 6 or 7, teetering the edge of the Danger Zone? Or close to a 4 or 5 where you can readily scoot down into Safe Zone?
Circle that baseline number, and set an intention of lowering that over the course of the next month, either with the help of a loved one, self-development books or podcasts, or therapy.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!