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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting is a brain-based processing method similar to EMDR that channels the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding specific eye positions (Brainspots) linked to unprocessed stress experiences stored in the brain and letting the body “detox”.
Thousand-Mile Stare
You may have seen people stare off blankly into space, deeply reflecting on something or being emotionally detached from what’s happening around them. They're not really looking AT anything, in particular but just off into the distance in that general direction. Their eyes are directed outward, but their focus is directed inward. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is attempting to process through a memory with the emotions and thoughts related to it.
When we see others doing this, we often wonder, "Are they okay?" and shake them out of it. Sometimes, we might be hurt or offended and say, "Are you listening to me?" because it seems like they're not (to be fair, they probably aren't, so it's okay for you to feel hurt). In shaking the person back to reality, they might be able to "come back" to the present to engage whatever is in front of them (i.e., continue the conversation, work, drive).
However, THAT they're spacing out isn't bad per se. THAT they're often in a daze or daydreaming might indicate that their body is needing an intentional regular space to sort through their internal experiences. The issue is they might:
Do it at the wrong time or at the wrong place (e.g., in the middle of work)
Accidentally further upset themselves and make reactive decisions that make matters worse (e.g., they get triggered at work, ruminate on it throughout the day, become more upset, then come home and kick the dog).
Their bodies are TRYING to take care of themselves but are unsuccessful at it. During these times, they probably need someone else who’s steady and grounded to serve as an anchor as they're doing a deep dive into their unconscious. They need someone who's trained to be attuned to them, not interfere with their processing, and pull them back to the surface when it's time.
For these individuals, Brainspotting therapy would be a great resource for them.
What is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting (BSP) is a brain-based processing method that taps into the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that often generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding the specific eye positions that directly connect to where unprocessed stress is stored in the brain so that the body can “detox”.
Brainspotting directly accesses our “lower brain” where emotionally charged experiences are stored, far out of reach of the thinking “higher brain.” By doing so, we can process them more deeply and rapidly than we might with traditional talk therapy or with reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning useful skills.
Our bodies pick up stimuli (body sensations, emotions, information, etc.) throughout the day that is supposed to get processed often when we’re in deep sleep (REM cycle) but also when we’re in a reflective, meditative trance-like state (intentionally thinking about something and feeling the emotions that come with it).
However, when we experience something that’s too new, too scary, or too overwhelming, that overloads our bodies’ natural ability to process and heal. These stimuli can get “stuck” in our bodies in splintered form, waiting until the conditions are right in the future for us to deliberately process them. Unfortunately, most people aren’t practiced in going back to process old things, so these old things just sit there, pile up, and fester until something new happens that dumps all that old, past unprocessed stuff into the present and makes things messier. This is what being triggered means.
Think of it as what happens when we have leftovers: because we can’t finish the meal in one sitting, we save it for later. A lot of times, many of us forget that we have leftovers to finish, and we find out only when we open the fridge to see that there’s no more room or when things start to smell.
Brainspotting jumpstarts the body’s natural processing mechanism to sort out the old stuff into different piles:
What to keep (long-term memory)
What to process (emotions associated with past events that need to be experienced/expressed)
What to throw away (old perspectives, irrelevant details)
Afterwards, the “fridge” gets cleared out so that there’s more room to take in new things. When the old stuff is fully processed, the person won’t be triggered as often or intensely, thereby becoming able to be fully present to engage whatever’s in front of them, respond accordingly, and perhaps even to enjoy the moment.
How Do I Sign Up?
If you find yourself often:
getting stuck on a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and memories
lashing out at others and having to apologize later
staring off into space or daydreaming, when you really need to pay attention
having trouble focusing or remembering things
procrastinating and beating yourself up for it
easily getting knocked off emotional balance
feeling like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, or overreaction is a daily reality
…then Brainspotting Therapy might be a good fit for you.
If you’re in California, let’s work together!
Learn how Brainspotting works in a related post!
If you want to try a DIY version, here’s a post about gazespotting.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How Online Therapy Can Help
Grab a blanket, your favorite cup of coffee, and a journal! When social distancing and quarantine are the ways to keep yourself and loved ones safe from coronavirus (COVID-19), online therapy can help you get care and support in the comfort of your home.
How Online Therapy Can Help in the Time of Coronavirus
In light of the major disruptions that COVID-19 caused on all levels of society, anxiety levels have gone through the roof. Uncertainty surrounding the future, physical health, loved ones’ well-being, social life, finances, and even groceries puts great pressure on our mental, emotional, and relational health.
As we are all experiencing the effects of social distancing and shelter-in-place, now is the time to consider whether online therapy might be right for you. (Phone sessions also count as what’s called Telehealth.)
If you’ve only done in-person sessions:
Online therapy does involve some adjusting. Naturally, your brain is used to being in the same room as your therapist, but usually 1-3 sessions is all you need until your body gets the hang of it. Before you even know it, you’re able to process just as well as before, if not more deeply because you’re in your own space.
The room has changed, but your therapist has not. Your therapist can still follow you well, paying close attention to what you say (or don’t) with words and nonverbal cues.
If this is your first time in therapy:
Imagine doing FaceTime with a close friend. How do you feel talking to them about what you’re doing through? It might still be scary, but if they responded well enough in the past, you may have enough courage to share a bit more. After you do so, you feel better for it - you feel more known, less alone, and encouraged to keep going.
Therapy is similar in that way: you’re sharing important things to someone who knows and cares for you. Therapy is definitely not equivalent to a friendship (as it’s a one-way relationship), but I do have your best interest and your desired outcome in mind. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to, but am going to check in often to see if I’m getting you well. How you feel matters.
Therapy will be done at a pace that feels right for you. Online therapy can help you build connection on your turf, without needing to worry about what pants you’re wearing.
Suit up in your PJs, and let’s get to it!
Benefits of Online Therapy (Telehealth)
There are tons of advantages that online therapy can offer:
You can meet in the comfort of your home with your favorite coffee mug, plush blanket, and jammies!
Or you can meet during a lunch break. (You just need secure, steady internet connection and a private space.)
No traffic/parking/commute time.
More flexible scheduling and the possibility for more frequent and shorter sessions.
More insurance companies are covering online therapy in light of COVID-19 (*check if your plan also covers out-of-network providers or only paneled therapists*)
A wider pool of therapists who specialize in what you need without any additional commute (make sure they're in your the same state).
I am located in the San Francisco Bay Area in California (San Jose, Santa Clara, Saratoga, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Willow Glen, Sunnyvale).
How It Works
I use the telehealth feature of Simple Practice, which is the same platform I use for all my intake forms, scheduling, and billing. As a platform that thousands of therapists use, Simple Practice uses cutting edge technology to ensure the privacy and security of sensitive information.
When it’s time for our session, click on the secure link you will receive via email. You will be able to see a page where your video and mine will pop up.
Wherever you choose to “meet”, make sure to:
Secure a quiet, private space (no interruptions or others barging in). Use headphones.
Use a computer, tablet, or phone that has a microphone and camera.
Have access to secure, steady internet connection. (Phone sessions may still be an option.)
Close all other browsers and programs so that we can have full bandwidth usage and to minimize lags/drops in connection.
Get comfortable! Dress comfortably or grab a blanket. Prep a journal, tissues, and a cup of tea/coffee/water.
Ready to Begin?
FAQs about Online Counseling
Is it as Good as in-person therapy?
Thousands of people have found online sessions to be just as effective (if not more) than in-person sessions. As a therapist who has been seeing my most recent therapist solely through online sessions, I was first skeptical as to whether it would be as good as being in the same physical room as my therapist. After one or two sessions, though, I was pleasantly surprised how easily I could connect with my thoughts and emotions, just as much as I did in face-to-face sessions. I also appreciated the convenience of being able to meet wherever, as long as I had steady, secure internet connection.
Is Online Therapy for Me?
Virtual therapy can be a great way to get support, but it’s not for everyone:
Those unable to acquire secure, steady internet connection (phone sessions may still be an option)
Those unable to acquire a safe, private space (no locked doors, thin walls, housemates barging in often)
Those diagnosed with a major mental illness such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or severe depression who require higher level of care
Those struggling with significant alcohol or substance abuse
Those experiencing suicidal thoughts (call 911 or seek immediate care at your nearest emergency department, and follow up with a local in-person therapist)
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
How to Help a Loved One Ground: Sensory Recall
If your loved ones are feeling really overwhelmed with “big feelings” like anxiety, anger, or sadness, here’s one way to help them anchor themselves to the present and reduce stress using the five senses.
In a previous post, I shared a technique called Top 2/Bottom 2 to help you manage your own stress using the five senses. In this post, I share an easy step-by-step tip on how to help someone else ground when they’re feeling overwhelmed with strong emotions using sensory recall.
Sensory Recall: Using the 5 Senses
When your loved one is experiencing high stress, it can be easy for them to get lost in their emotions, lose connection with what’s happening in the here-and-now, and become increasingly reactive. The exercise described below can help someone reconnect with what’s happening in the present, away from what their emotions are often mistakenly interpreting them to be.
NOTE: This exercise is NOT meant to imply that what a person is feeling is bad and that the emotion must therefore be pushed away. Our emotions are really important in revealing what legitimate needs we have, but when they’re so loud that our ability to sort through them is overloaded, it’s sometimes better to decrease the volume first. Exercises like the one below can help turn back on the part of the other person’s brain that helps with their processing.
Note the 5 senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste.
Ask your loved one: “What is…”
After sensory recall, say:
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath, notice where you are physically in this moment.
Place your hand over your heart.
Repeat after me: “Right now, in this moment, I am okay.”
This is one of many ways to help our loved ones ground their bodies from a state of panic to one of calmness. It is not a cure-all approach, since it does require for there to already have been enough rapport and connection between you two. If the other person doesn’t seem to respond well to this (for example, because they feel you’re trying to dismiss their emotions), here is another approach: How to Be a Rabbit.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
Living Wholehearted: Emotions Help Us Thrive
Emotions are an essential part of life and relationships. Try as you might, you won’t be able to get rid of them…and there’s no need to! Anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and sadness reveal legitimate needs that all of us have. As we reintegrate emotions back into our lives, we are empowered to engage life to the fullest.
Me, Age 12.
Queen of RBF (Resting Bitch Face)
"You look pissed."
"Stop pouting."
"Why are you souring the mood? We were having such a good time.
I was born into an immigrant family from a motherland culture who didn't do feelings well. Emotions were avoided, shunned, and buried underground, where they went into the blackmarket and reemerged in not-so-great ways. Tons of people around me labored endlessly, in school or work or church. They plastered happy faces in public and came home to stress and misery. This is how life was supposed to be...apparently. Back then, I didn't know how emotions help us thrive.
Three Cardinal Rules of Shamedom
There are three messages that govern families and organizations where addiction, abuse, and dysfunction run rampant:
- Don't talk.
- Don't trust.
- Don't feel.
Those who grow up in such contexts develop distorted views of themselves, others, and life that in turn influence their decisions, leading to painful experiences that then reinforce those messages. This creates a perpetuating cycle of SHAME.
Without appropriate ways to attend to pain or people to offer care, individuals turn to addictive substances or activities (including overworking, overeating, overexercising, over-anything) that are meant to reduce pain and/or enhance pleasure but end up doing neither. Rather, these very things further drive people into isolation to drown in their chaotic emotions. Such was the case for me.
Suppression, Isolation, & Restlessness,
NOT Silence, Solitude, & Stillness
I was born a deep feeler into a context where feelings weren't welcome. I had been told most of my life that I'm "too sensitive", "too emotional", or "too negative"...as if I was trying to be that way on purpose. I've been taught that our mind and our will are more important than our emotions: we're supposed to push aside what we're feeling and THINK "correctly" and DO "rightly". Mind and Will OVER Emotions.
Without a safe place to go, I dove headlong into things I felt I was good at and had more control over: academics, work, and ministry (with some video gaming and fantasizing on the side).
I kept things stuffed for as long as I could until I just couldn't. My emotions were just bottled up within me, amplifying themselves and becoming messier, nearly impossible to handle, and leaking out everywhere.
Years of depression and anxiety ensued, with strained relationships trailing behind. I didn't know how to smile, even if I tried.
Putting Pieces Together
It was after college that I started going to therapy. All my life, I felt like there was something wrong with me, because I knew deeply how messed up I was inside when everyone else seemed fine (HELLO SHAME). Through these sessions, I learned that, most likely, I'm actually in the vast majority: MOST people don't know how to do feelings and think that others are doing better. When everyone does that, everyone is stuck in isolation and shame. LOSE-LOSE-LOSE.
It's been over a decade since I began this journey of healing and growing. I've learned a lot about how essential emotions are for our personal well-being, our relationships, and life in general. Emotions help us THRIVE and I had no idea.
Becoming Whole and Living Wholehearted
In my personal journey of becoming more whole and my professional track of becoming a therapist myself, I've learned about emotional health, relationships, and neurobiology. There are two resources that I've found useful:
The Enneagram, a personality framework that reveals our reactive modes of thinking, feeling, and doing
Brainspotting, a type of body-based trauma therapy that reboots our natural ability to soothe our body’s reactivity
These two things have taught me just how much our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies are interconnected, NOT mutually exclusive or hierarchical. These aspects of us go hand in hand (or hand -’n-heart-’n-head), so it would be wise to consider and address them as such.
How do you become healthy and whole? You attend to ALL aspects of yourself: mind, will, AND emotions.
Me, Age Grown Up and Glown Up
If you’re finding that you’re having trouble knowing what to do with your emotions (which, by the way, includes numbness), perhaps a professional can help you with that. I specifically help people who struggle with painful relationships and the “difficult” emotions of anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create vibrant connections.
Talk, Trust, Feel.
In a world where stress seems the norm and pain begets more pain, let’s REVERSE the Three Cardinal Rules of Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.
Let us all become wholesome, integrated, connected people who makes decisions from wisdom, not reactivity. Let us together make this world spin for the better.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Struggling with emotional triggers or intimacy issues in your relationships because you were hurt in the past? Brainspotting is a powerful trauma therapy that helps you release past wounds stored in the body—so you can clearly see and effectively attend to each new person and moment clearly for what it is, instead of what your old trauma ghosts tell you they are.