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5 Minutes to Grow Beyond Your Autopilot
What to Ask in the Therapy Consult Call
Now that you scheduled a consultation call with a new therapist or two, here’s a list of what questions you can ask them to see whether they might be a great fit for you!
Way to go!
You’ve taken the step to list out what you’re needing in a therapist.
(If you haven’t yet, read this first, then come right back!)
You use Google, Psychology Today, TherapyDen, or Good Therapy to narrow down the long list of hundreds of therapists in the San Jose/Silicon Valley area into a shortlist of 1 to 3 therapists.
(Give yourself a self-five! That was the hardest part of the process!)
You reach out to them, schedule your initial therapy consultation calls, and watch the clock go by as you nervously wonder what the heck you’re supposed to do on these calls.
What should I say on the call?
Am I supposed to prepare something?
What questions do I ask?
Is this a therapy session?
Ahh! I don’t know where to start!!
I get how overwhelming the therapist search can be, and I’m here to help simplify things for you.
How to Prepare for the Therapy Consult Call
The main purpose of the initial consultation call is to see whether you and the therapist are a right fit for each other. It’s a two-way street based on:
what you need, and
what they provide.
The most important thing is whether or not the person you’re talking to is someone you imagine sharing some of your treasured or vulnerable experiences with. If you don’t (for whatever reason), feel free to move on to the next therapist. They are trained to not take things personally (if they do, that’s their stuff to sort out - it’s not a reflection of you, and you don’t have to use your precious resources to deal with it).
Be prepared to talk to 2-3 therapists.
If you get a great fit on the first go, awesome! If not, try the next one. If you’ve talked to 4-5 therapists and you still don’t find a good fit, go back to the previous blog and consider either clarifying what you’re needing or widening your net for a different location, schedule, or fee.
Though the therapy search process is important, don’t treat it so seriously that you get nervous and shut down. There’s room to BREATHE, ask questions, and thoughtfully consider whether you feel in tune with your therapist enough to formally start therapy.
This is NOT an interview or a test.
You’re not being (or not supposed to be) analyzed or deemed worthy or unworthy, so you don’t have to perform or ignore your needs to get them to like you.
If a therapist you’re talking to does something to make you feel uncomfortable at any time, you can always say, “Actually, I’m not really feeling like this would be a good fit, so thank you for your time. Goodbye.”
No need to explain or justify yourself - this process is for YOU. Hang up the phone, then reach out to the next person on your list.
You’re in the driver's seat and you get to pick the destination and who your guide is.
If the therapist refers you elsewhere, it’s with your best interest in mind.
We as therapists are ethically obligated to make decisions in your best interest. If what you’re needing and what we offer doesn’t align well enough for whatever reason, it’s better that you know directly that someone else might support you better.
This is not a rejection or judgment of you (though it’s totally okay to feel how you feel).
How you feel matters.
Sometimes you feel a certain way about someone in ways that you can’t quite put your finger on it. Pay attention to those feelings or reactions - that might be your body’s way of signaling something important to you.
On the consult call, a great fit of a therapist should elicit some or all of these emotions: relief, clarity, understanding, and hope. If you feel any of the opposite emotions (distress, confusion, misunderstanding, and heaviness), you have permission to not start therapy with them.
What to Ask in the Therapy Consult Call
Ask whatever questions you have to gauge your level of comfort with the therapist.
In addition to any questions you already have, here are some that might be helpful:
Topics of Focus
How would you help people with similar needs?
How are you different from other therapists?
Do you do EMDR or Brainspotting?
Who are people you WOULDN’T be a good fit for?
The Therapy Process
What is each session like?
Who will talk more? Me or you?
Do you give homework?
Do I have to talk about ______?
How will I know that therapy is working?
How much are sessions? Do you take insurance?
How often will we meet? What is your availability?
How long will therapy take for people with my needs?
Are sessions in-person or over video?
The Therapist
Have you had personal experience with this?
Are you of _______ faith tradition? Do I have to be _______?
What do you do for fun/outside the office?
What are your political views?
As a person of color/LGBTQ person, why should I trust you?
Just a head’s up - you are welcome to ask personal questions to the therapist (ex, Are you married? Do you have kids? How old are you?), but your therapist doesn’t have to answer it.
You get to make the final call on whether you feel comfortable enough working with them, though.
Even the mental health profession is historically made up of people with privilege. Out of ignorance, a lot of therapists may claim to be culturally competent but in actuality be oblivious to the intricate realities of underserved populations. If you are a person of color, LGBTQ, neurodiverse, or of a less represented population, ask as many direct questions as possible to see whether the therapist is actually culturally sensitive, competent, and respectful enough for you and what you need.
Take your time with the therapist search.
This process may take a while and consume energy, but it’s definitely worth waiting for when you find a FANTASTIC fit - this will save you a ton of time, energy, headache, and heartache in the long run.
You matter, and your needs matter, so search for your therapist with that in mind and keep going until you find a place to breathe and take off your mask and burdens.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
How to Find a Therapist or Counselor in San Jose
Looking for a new therapist? Finding a great fit is super important for your healing and growth journey. Here’s a list of what kinds of things to consider as you look for your ideal fit, including topics of focus, modalities, fees, and therapist demographics.
I need a therapist…
Who should I pick?
So you realize it’s about time for you to finally work on yourself and you search “therapist near me” on Google. What pops up? A MILLION sites that stir up more questions than answers.
Technology is HUGE in the Silicon Valley, home to Apple, Google, Facebook, and other tech giants. Everyone is on their devices to connect, partially because their loved ones are in different parts of the state, country, or the world. Fewer and fewer people are actually from San Jose, Sunnyvale, Mountain View, Campbell, etc.
One of the best ways to look for a therapist is through word of mouth referrals. But how do you do that if you’re a transplant from elsewhere, without a home base of personal connections to point you the right way?
Out of the hundreds of therapists that are in San Jose alone, how do you know whether this website or that Psychology Today profile is leading you to the right counselor who can help you heal and grow? When you look at a lot of Psychology Today profiles, a ton of them all start to sound the same (how many therapists say that they’re “warm” and “create a safe space”?).
I want to help you find the right therapist in the South Bay.
Here are some questions to help you find the right therapy fit for you.
On a piece of paper, write a list of:
(1) Topic
What are 3-5 topics that you need help with (in noun form)?
E.g., anxiety, relationship, trauma, shame, anger
(2) Therapist’s Demographics
What do you absolutely need for the therapist to be? What do you prefer?
Gender, Identity
Race/Ethnicity
Age Range
Religious Background
Life Experiences (e.g., is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), is LGBTQ+, went through their own church trauma)
(3) Schedule
If you were to do regular weekly sessions at a consistent time, what would be your availability?
Generally, regular weekly sessions would provide the optimal rhythm for people to sort through recent events and address underlying dynamics that may be contributing to stressors. When sessions are infrequent and there is too much time between sessions, the subsequent sessions may become more of a summary of what’s happened since last time rather than actually changing unhelpful patterns.
(4) Budget
If you were to do regular weekly sessions, what would your budget allow?
Be prepared to be in therapy weekly for at least 6 months to get good momentum. This is better than you doing all this work to look for a therapist and to start therapy, to then find out that you can’t afford to continue it. That’s a very expensive decision, for not a lot of gain!
In San Jose, the fee may range from $25-$300 per single 50-minute therapy session, depending on experience and specialty.
*A note about insurance: There are benefits and disadvantages to working with a therapist who’s in your insurance network (watch the video for more info). Check for Out-of-Network (OON) coverage, since that allows you to have much more say and many more options that would be suited for you.
Wanting to see if you could use your insurance for therapy sessions? All three options are valid ways to provide for your therapy. Find the right financial fit for you!
(5) Therapist’s Level of Training
For Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) in California, there are three levels of training:
MFT Trainees - Therapists who are currently in their MFT graduate program
MFT Associates - Therapists who graduated and are currently accumulating experience
Licensed MFTs - Therapists who have completed their experience and have passed their licensing exams
Generally, the more trained a therapist is, the higher their fees may be. To be clear, a licensed therapist isn’t inherently better than a prelicensed therapist. What’s more important than your therapist’s level of experience is whether they are a right fit for you!
However, therapists who are more experienced may be more likely to be trained in certain specialized modalities (like Brainspotting for trauma) or areas of focus (Emotional Abuse & Neglect) that may save clients time, energy, and money in the long run less sessions might be needed to address what’s happening.
Better to work with a “more expensive” specialist therapist who’s really good at meeting your needs than to work with a “cheaper” generalist therapist with whom you might wander around for a while.
(6) Therapy Modality
Do you have a preferred approach for your therapist to be trained in - for example, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Brainspotting, EMDR, Attachment, or Enneagram? (If you don’t know what this means, no problem!)
(7) Location
This is less of an issue during COVID-19 because of virtual/video sessions (AKA telehealth), but if you’re hoping to work with a therapist long-term (8+ months), consider who’s in your immediate area. The more specific your needs, the wider of a net you may need to cast.
Once you’ve jotted down this list, here are three ways to find the right therapist.
Option 1: WORD OF MOUTH REFERRAL
Ask a friend, family member, or acquaintance for a referral. Share the list of factors you’d like in a therapist and see if they know someone (or if they know someone who knows someone). Word of mouth referral helps narrow down the option because other people who know you are also filtering down the long list for you.
*If they REALLY love and recommend a therapist, do ask why! A GREAT therapist for one person might be a MEH fit for someone else, and an AWFUL fit for yet another person. If you don’t jive with their answer, say thank you, and move on to Option 2.
Option 2: Google it!
Type into Google the answer for your list of 3-5 topics. If you know what level of experience you’d prefer in a therapist, include that too. You may have to do some digging, but your list will help you sort through them much more quickly rather than going into the search blind.
Option 3: Therapist Directories
Psychology Today and TherapyDen are therapist directories that have a filter feature for you to check off according to your list answers. Not every therapist is on there, but this may simplify the process.
The downside of using directories is that therapists usually have limited space for describing themselves, so a lot of them might end up sounding the same.
If you want to know how to prepare for your initial consultation calls, read this blog.
Need help finding the right fit?
Every therapist is different and has their own way of doing therapy.
For example, I am a Korean American, 30-something, Christianese-fluent HSP female therapist who uses the Enneagram (which reveals people’s reactive patterns) and Brainspotting (which soothes emotional reactivity) to help those who are exhausted by anxiety, guilt, and shame create vibrant relationships where they matter, too.
If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed in looking for a great therapist, give me a call! As someone who’s well-networked in the San Jose and Silicon Valley area, I can offer referrals to point you in the right direction.
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Living Wholehearted: Emotions Help Us Thrive
Emotions are an essential part of life and relationships. Try as you might, you won’t be able to get rid of them…and there’s no need to! Anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and sadness reveal legitimate needs that all of us have. As we reintegrate emotions back into our lives, we are empowered to engage life to the fullest.
Me, Age 12.
Queen of RBF (Resting Bitch Face)
"You look pissed."
"Stop pouting."
"Why are you souring the mood? We were having such a good time.
I was born into an immigrant family from a motherland culture who didn't do feelings well. Emotions were avoided, shunned, and buried underground, where they went into the blackmarket and reemerged in not-so-great ways. Tons of people around me labored endlessly, in school or work or church. They plastered happy faces in public and came home to stress and misery. This is how life was supposed to be...apparently. Back then, I didn't know how emotions help us thrive.
Three Cardinal Rules of Shamedom
There are three messages that govern families and organizations where addiction, abuse, and dysfunction run rampant:
- Don't talk.
- Don't trust.
- Don't feel.
Those who grow up in such contexts develop distorted views of themselves, others, and life that in turn influence their decisions, leading to painful experiences that then reinforce those messages. This creates a perpetuating cycle of SHAME.
Without appropriate ways to attend to pain or people to offer care, individuals turn to addictive substances or activities (including overworking, overeating, overexercising, over-anything) that are meant to reduce pain and/or enhance pleasure but end up doing neither. Rather, these very things further drive people into isolation to drown in their chaotic emotions. Such was the case for me.
Suppression, Isolation, & Restlessness,
NOT Silence, Solitude, & Stillness
I was born a deep feeler into a context where feelings weren't welcome. I had been told most of my life that I'm "too sensitive", "too emotional", or "too negative"...as if I was trying to be that way on purpose. I've been taught that our mind and our will are more important than our emotions: we're supposed to push aside what we're feeling and THINK "correctly" and DO "rightly". Mind and Will OVER Emotions.
Without a safe place to go, I dove headlong into things I felt I was good at and had more control over: academics, work, and ministry (with some video gaming and fantasizing on the side).
I kept things stuffed for as long as I could until I just couldn't. My emotions were just bottled up within me, amplifying themselves and becoming messier, nearly impossible to handle, and leaking out everywhere.
Years of depression and anxiety ensued, with strained relationships trailing behind. I didn't know how to smile, even if I tried.
Putting Pieces Together
It was after college that I started going to therapy. All my life, I felt like there was something wrong with me, because I knew deeply how messed up I was inside when everyone else seemed fine (HELLO SHAME). Through these sessions, I learned that, most likely, I'm actually in the vast majority: MOST people don't know how to do feelings and think that others are doing better. When everyone does that, everyone is stuck in isolation and shame. LOSE-LOSE-LOSE.
It's been over a decade since I began this journey of healing and growing. I've learned a lot about how essential emotions are for our personal well-being, our relationships, and life in general. Emotions help us THRIVE and I had no idea.
Becoming Whole and Living Wholehearted
In my personal journey of becoming more whole and my professional track of becoming a therapist myself, I've learned about emotional health, relationships, and neurobiology. There are two resources that I've found useful:
The Enneagram, a personality framework that reveals our reactive modes of thinking, feeling, and doing
Brainspotting, a type of body-based trauma therapy that reboots our natural ability to soothe our body’s reactivity
These two things have taught me just how much our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies are interconnected, NOT mutually exclusive or hierarchical. These aspects of us go hand in hand (or hand -’n-heart-’n-head), so it would be wise to consider and address them as such.
How do you become healthy and whole? You attend to ALL aspects of yourself: mind, will, AND emotions.
Me, Age Grown Up and Glown Up
If you’re finding that you’re having trouble knowing what to do with your emotions (which, by the way, includes numbness), perhaps a professional can help you with that. I specifically help people who struggle with painful relationships and the “difficult” emotions of anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create vibrant connections.
Talk, Trust, Feel.
In a world where stress seems the norm and pain begets more pain, let’s REVERSE the Three Cardinal Rules of Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.
Let us all become wholesome, integrated, connected people who makes decisions from wisdom, not reactivity. Let us together make this world spin for the better.
What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, lMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
“The Mask”, featuring Jim Carrey, is a great movie that illustrates what the Enneagram types are like: masks (or personas) we don until we become so “fused” with them that we forget our true selves. Read this blog to learn about your mask!