Potential: A Peek into Life of an Enneagram Three

Jenna Vivacora is an Enneagram 3 singer/songwriter currently based in Nashville. Her music uniquely integrates her nomadic life, multiethnic background, education at the US Naval Academy, subsequent chronic illness, and wide cross-cultural experiences, living in Central Asia, Turkey, and Germany.

Jenna (as Jenna Cox-Hadley) is the creator behind Wait for Her, an original musical about healing from sexual assault, as well as the composer for the musical Deirdre, an Irish legend reimagined.

She is currently creating an album about her time as a Sojourner.

Check out her single! See what part of the song stands out to you the most as you take a peek into the inner world of someone who’s an Enneagram 3.

Potential Lyrics

I failed before I even wake up

It's hard to say so don't interrupt

Emotionality when things are changing doesn't worry me

But when the dust nestles in, schedule me my meltdown week

Cause it’s all potential

Stencil my days to be monumental

Indenture my dreams with timelines that seem parental

Every day's like an opening scene

Crash course on the cast and the dream

Facing your fears is the way we live here

The future hits like a train every night

Running makeup proves that I tried

Indulgent though it seems to binge cookie dough and Schitt's Creek

Hey, if they can thrive, I can make a meal or two this week

It’s all potential

Stencil my days to be monumental

Indenture my dreams with timelines that seem parental

Every day's like an opening scene

Crash course on the cast and the dream

Facing your fears to live up to your potential

Stencil my days to be monumental

Indenture my dreams with timelines that seem parental

Every day's like an opening scene

Crash course on the cast and the dream

Facing your fears is the way we live here

When I sit in silence,

Doubt rings like tinnitus

This is my next frontier

It’s all potential

Maybe my days will be monumental

Tend to my dreams and live up to my potential

Stencil my days to be calm and restful

Tend to my dreams with options that feel celestial

Every day's still an opening scene

I'll savor the cast and the dream;

Don't let the fear be what it is to live here

Growth Steps for Enneagram 3s

Take time to sit in silence and solitude.

Do something that helps you to “fill the well” of energy and spark – be a kid again for a minute. Buy applesauce, a superhero figurine, go roller skating!

Growth Steps for Loved Ones of Type 3s

What stood out the most to you in the song lyrics?

What is one way for you to encourage and support your Type 3 loved one?

More about Jenna

When I say that I've moved a lot since I left home 10 years ago, I mean it. After my time at the Naval Academy, I lived in Kazakhstan, Turkey, Germany, Fort Benning, Wheaton, New York City, Nashville, and Fort Lauderdale, doing long distance on and off with my husband of 5 years.

I've been to countries that most people don't even know exist. How then do you describe yourself in a few words?

"Who, me? I'm a tri-racial, almost multi-lingual bartender with a bachelors in math, who tap dances and rollerskates, isn't afraid to eat horse, has mostly queer and autistic friends, is chronically ill, and could probably beat you up?"

---

What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?

Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!

Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

The Enneagram at Work: 3 Professional Tips for Each Type

The autopilot at work

Here's a juicy topic: how each Enneagram type shows up in the professional realm.

Though most people reach out to me because of their relationship with others or with themselves (*cough* the "prosocial" types on the right side of the Enneagram symbol, 9 through 4), a huge chunk of people's stressors are based on what's happening with work, job, career, vocation, etc.

Each of our Enneagram types inform our autopilot reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. These patterns USED to be helpful when we were actually powerless and vulnerable as kids, but they didn't upgrade accordingly as we grew up and gained more resources and skills.

Our professional arena is one of the main ways we see the out-of-dateness of our patterns, as we see that the very patterns that were once helpful now start creating fires and dumping gasoline on them.

For each Enneagram type, I'll describe the type's:

1. Motivation

2. Working style

3. Professional limits

4. Professional growth tips

Take a look at yours, then tell me what you think!

(Don't know what your type is? Start here!)

Type 1: The Improver

Motivation

To improve, "fix", refine, or perfect oneself, others, or the world to close the gap between the ideal and the actual.

"If I am perfect without flaws, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Focus on whether things are right or wrong, good or bad.

2. Seek the highest standards of quality

3. Have integrity, high work ethic, and commitment

Professional Limits:

1. Stuck in the weeds because overly focused on details

2. Perfectionism, which leads to procrastination (difficulty getting started because you want to make sure the process is perfect before even beginning)

3. Critical of self and/or others

4. Overly rigid - has difficulty adjusting to changes

5. Frustration towards others for not having integrity or strong work ethics

6. Resentment when others are taking it easy, making up for their lack

7. Difficulty "clocking out" emotionally to rest, relax, and enjoy time outside of work

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Your ideal standards are a moving target - What is perfect anyway? Are your expectations and standards realistic? Appropriate? Necessary? Done is better than good.

2. Recognize that some of your anger is a byproduct of you underly resting and relaxing. Rest & relaxation is a deliberate spiritual/emotional discipline (that it's hard is no problem - do your best anyway)

3. Aim for a work quality of 80%, not 140%. (Your 80% will probably still be higher than others' 100%.)

4. Focus on how things are better than before, less on how you could be better going forward.

Type 2: The Befriender

Motivation

To feel liked and loved. Heavy emphasis on relationships and on using connections with others to get your own personal needs met.

"If I am easily lovable, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Relationships are central - "It's not what you know, but who you know."

2. Emotional sensitivity and empathy. Sensing how others are doing and adding the human touch to projects and communication.

3. Use charm and warmth to make positive connections with others, using friendly or softer language

4. Strategically aligning with or helping others to making oneself indispensable.

Professional Limits:

1. Difficulty asking for help - not knowing what one needs, being scared of being rejected or judged

2. Difficulty receiving feedback - take it personally, get offended, spin in shame

3. Difficulty being direct - softening one's language so as to not upset others

4. Being the second in command, but rarely (if ever) the actual leader. Challenge of stepping forth as an individual, instead of as someone in relation to someone else.

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Take out any words/phrases that soften and dilute the main message in emails.

2. Ask for help and feedback. Don't take others' responses personally (their NO is more about THEM, not YOU). Take in their messages neutrally. Sometimes you'll get a yes, sometimes no.

3. Take a solo personal retreat. (Recommended by a fellow Enneagram 2 + business owner Melinda Olsen!)

   • Write down your what your ideal day would like, with lots of details from the time you wake up to the time you to go sleep.

     • If you’re not sure what you would like, start writing down what you DON’T want.

     • How can you practically make this coming week 5% closer to your ideal day than last week was? What do you need to introduce? Eliminate?

   • What time of day do you feel the most energized? Inspired? Set aside that time of the day for you. Protect that time for yourself as fiercely as you would protect your time with a loved one — no meetings, no one else’s agenda/needs, etc.

Type 3: The Performer

Motivation

To gain high social status by performing, achieving, and being (seen as) successful.

"If I am seen as successful, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Goals & tasks-oriented - focus on being productive, effective, efficient.

2. Avoid anything that slows them down - feelings, other people, physical illness, or anything that doesn't fit their goals

3. Reading the audience to intuit what would be seen as valuable

4. Competing to win/be the best

5. Shapeshifting and image-managing, impressing others with competence and attractiveness.

Professional Limits:

1. Can be aggressive and run over other people, pushing them too hard

2. Overly seeking the spotlight and taking the credit

3. Overworking, not stopping work until life stops them

4. Cutting corners or reducing quality or integrity as long as you look good

5. Not learning from mistakes or errors because you avoid the pain of failure 

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Slow down and rest, because you're far more than what you do or how you're seen.

2. Acknowledge that failure doesn't make you bad - it's human. Failure helps you grow beyond your limited perspective in life.

3. Spend more time to yourself so that you see who you really are and what matters most to you. Who are you when you're not in the spotlight?

4. What if emotions aren't things that slow you down, but make you more whole?

Type 4: The Individualist

Motivation

To sense and seek what's missing, to see how things aren't what you could have been.

"If I stand out as an individual, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Focus on whether things are deep, authentic, or meaningful.

2. Point out what's inauthentic, not going well, or could have been better

3. Being (only) motivated by what's personally meaningful

4. Putting a special personal touch on projects

Professional Limits:

1. Working based on one's mood (which is often negative)

2. Stuck in the weeds because overly focused on meaning and significance

3. Self-doubt, self-sabotage, and resignation - not seeking what's good out of the assumption that it's not going to work out anyway (What's the point?)

4. Judging others for being fake, shallow, or inauthentic

5. Mistrusting, minimizing, or deflecting others' positive feedback/support (while wondering why you feel like you're not enough)

6. Indirectly pushing back against authority or not wanting to be told what to do

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Your blindspot includes what's GOOD about you. Your sense of self isn't accurate (though you feel it's authentic) if you only focus on what's lacking in you. Take in positive feedback from others without deflecting - they might see sides of you that you can't see yourself.

2. Do things because the task needs to be done, independently of how you feel.

3. Notice what's present (not just what's missing).

4. See yourself as an important (even if not central) part of the group. Your presence and contribution matters, even if it doesn't stand out.

Type 5: The Observer

Motivation

To gather knowledge and information so that you won't need or be needed by others. To not be deprived or imposed upon by others. 

"If I am self-sufficient and knowledgeable, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Focus on data and facts than people and feelings.

2. See things objectively and neutrally, detached from emotions.

3. Work independently and be very private.

4. Work on what is intellectually stimulating.

Professional Limits:

1. Take too much time in making decisions, rationalizing the need to do more "research"

2. Get backlogged and building stress by putting off decisions

3. Downplaying emotions as a source of valuable information because it's hard to "master"

4. Difficulty in building trusting and effective working relationships with others

5. Shutting down and withdrawing when overwhelmed, reinforcing the vicious stress cycle and creating further problems.

Professional Growth Tips:

1. See how your own stress is caused or amplified by not being in touch with your feelings and not sharing how you’re doing with others so that they might help you.

2. Consider what information emotions might convey (i.e., they tell us what we need). Learn to reconnect your own emotions and those of others so that you have ample resources and support - you don't have to be self-sufficient.

3. Without rationalizing, give yourself half as much time as you normally would take researching about a topic before making a decision.

4. Spend 5% more time interacting with others, sharing 5% more personal information than before for the sake of building better working relationships.

Type 6: The Contrarian

Motivation

To seek safety and security by aligning with others, following the rules, pointing out threats, or facing fears head-on.

"If I am safe, secure, and certain, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Scan for signs of danger, risk, or untrustworthiness

2. Anticipate and preemptively solve potential risks - great at troubleshooting when things do go wrong

3. Play devil's advocate and present the opposite statement

4. Ask lots of questions and draw attention towards potential problem areas

Professional Limits:

1. Stuck in the weeds because overly focused on what could go wrong

2. Spend so much time and mental energy thinking, not doing - analysis paralysis, perfectionism, procrastination

3. Question your own strengths and achievements, leading you to miss out on great opportunities you actually are capable of - imposter syndrome

4. Create stress or tension within yourself or your coworkers because of your difficulty acknowledging when things are going well

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Verbalize to teammates that your intention is to strengthen the project by identifying potential problems upfront, not to shoot it down or criticize it. You are on the same team.

2. Notice when your negative read on each situation is actually you projecting your own fear outwards. Ask for feedback to get a reality check.

3. Gather information of all of your strengths or good decisions as much as you focus on your limitations or weaknesses. Round out your perspective of yourself and your leadership ability.

4. Learn to own and lead from your power and authority, not just looking to others (and then questioning them).

Type 7: The Enthusiast

Motivation

To avoid being trapped in pain by seeking pleasure and wanting options/freedom. 

"If I have fun + freedom, then I'm okay/worthy."

Working Style:

1. Enthusiastic, fun, energetic - great at keeping spirits up

2. Focus on how things are going well, what good is ahead; avoid looking at the negatives or problems or just reframe them into positives.

3. Great creative brainstormers, idealistic idea generators, and synthesizers of seemingly unrelated information.

4. Great at starting; difficulty in finishing what they started. Strengths in vision casting; limitations in picking one option and following through til the end.

Professional Limits:

1. Avoid doing things that are boring or lacking intellectual stimulation.

2. Rationalize downplaying or avoiding responsibilities.

3. Collapse power hierarchies with those above and underneath you - "I won't tell you what to do, so don't tell me what to do." (Indirect rebellion)

4. Ignore problems or rationalize why things are fine when they're not.

5. Leaving a bunch of unfinished projects for others to deal with (and feel frustrated, confused, or resentful about).

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Limits are not the opposite of freedom. Imposing self-limits (i.e., self-discipline) can help you avoid unnecessary issues that get created from being non-committal and helps to actually bring about deeper, lasting rewards.

2. Recognize your unintentional negative impact on others; when you're too positive, you're pulling others into be extra negative. They're not imposing their limits on you; you've painted yourself into a corner because you've neglected your post. Don't make them the bad guy.

3. Reduce the polarization between you and others and increase balance and harmony within your team by also seeing the negative data so that others don't have to do it on your behalf (they might see more positives themselves). Meet each other in the middle.

4. Give more room to the grownup part of you; there will be plenty of chances for your inner child to play if important things are taken care of too. Not either/or, but both/and.

Type 8: The Challenger

Motivation

To avoid being in a vulnerable or unsafe position by stepping forth with big presence, power, and strength.

"If I am without vulnerability, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Focus on the big picture and massive action/impact.

2. Seek forward movement, and will move obstacles out of the way to make things happen.

3. Focus on whether power is being wielded well; if not, you will challenge authority and step into the power vacuum.

Professional Limits:

1. Take action first, rarely aim before or reflect after. Rather than acknowledging poor decision making, justifies your own decisions or blames others for negative outcomes.

2. Lack of patience and aggression in your approach and communication style, steamrolling over other people if they get in the way.

3. Overly assumes that your perspective is right (and everyone else is wrong). Deny any other perspectives that doesn't fit yours.

4. Create unnecessary tension, conflict, and ruptures in your working relationships that get others to question your authority, turn on you, or leave you to your delusion that you're the best leader (when you're not).

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Check your own denial and delusion that your perspective is automatically the best/right perspective. Invite feedback from others without reactivity or pushback, and find a decision that's more integrating of the various perspectives. Slow down for better long-term efficacy. Ready, aim, THEN fire.

2. Recognize when you judge others as being weak (and therefore bad) just because they're not like you. Vulnerability is a strength of its own right. Learn to exercise your own vulnerability muscle so that you'll be a much better leader that others would happily and readily follow.

3. Change your body language to be more containing of your energy because you might be unintentionally intimidating for others. Rather than leading with an open chest, direct eye contact, and a louder voice, curl your shoulders inward, soften your voice, and look down and away. See what happens in the end professional outcome of you practicing softness.

Type 9: The Harmonizer

Motivation

To seek harmony and comfort by blending in, merging, not considering yourself or living as an individual.

"If I can go with the flow, then I'm okay/worthy"

Working Style:

1. Focus on how to dissipate tension or conflict by smoothing things out, highlighting common ground, and exercising diplomacy.

2. Easy-going, easy to work with, likable

3. Focusing on the collective well-being, harmonizing with others to further the collective's vision.

4. Have integrity, high work ethic, and commitment

Professional Limits:

1. Forgetting and even sacrificing your own well-being to avoid stirring the pot; people-pleasing and placating to the point of burnout

2. Procrastinate because of the difficulty in prioritizing, choosing one thing among many.

3. Getting carried away in the moment, zoning out or merging with the person or project in front of you.

4. Underly advocate on behalf of yourself or state your ideas so as to not rock the boat or stand out.

5. Passivity or passive aggression that leaks out through indirect means (lack of responsiveness, procrastination, distractions)

Professional Growth Tips:

1. Practice seeing yourself as an individual with your own valuable identity, vision, values, and strengths, and less as a cog in a machine. Allow yourself to be highlighted as an individual (seeking/receiving promotions, receiving awards, etc.).

2. Take more time to yourself to identify your priorities, agendas, and decisions (and write them down), then practice stating them first before hearing other people.

3. Recalibrate seeing conflict as a good and merging as a not great. Anger helps us focus and take effective action; placating only reinforces the time-bomb.

Next Steps

Buy on Amazon

If you're wanting some more in-depth tips, I would highly recommend the book "The 9 Types of Leadership" by my Enneagram teacher Beatrice Chestnut.

Beatrice talks about how there’s no one right way of being an effective leader. All of us have a great capacity for meaningful impact, but only if we also recognize our blindspots and pitfalls that get us into trouble.

This book also covers how each of the 27 subtypes show up in professional or organizational contexts.

Work with an pro who can help you grow beyond your type!

Reach out for 1:1 support today! (I currently have a waitlist, but will make announcements of new openings when they arise.)

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Enneagram Type Five: What It's Like

My therapist colleague Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) and I are writing several blog series about the Enneagram, a comprehensive yet compact personality framework that reveals our reactive, “autopilot” patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating.

In this series, someone from each Enneagram Type (Types One through Nine) will be sharing about their own journey of discovering and using the Enneagram for deep healing and personal growth.

In this post, Alyssa Harris, the CEO and founder of The Karuna Lab Life Coaching services, has written about Enneagram Type Five.

Here are the other posts in this series that are published so far:

• Type 1 - Joshua Chan

• Type 2 - Melinda Olsen, LMFT

• Type 3 - Morgan Hancock, LMFT

• Type 4 - Joanne Kim, LMFT

• Type 6 - Jonathan Siu

• Type 7 - Stefie Dominguez

• Type 8 - Marianna Torres

• Type 9 - Lorren Siu, LMFT

What’s it like to be an Enneagram Type Five?

Knowledge is Power 

One of my favorite song lyrics is from Erykah Badu’s song On & On; It Goes “If your knowledge were your wealth then it would be well earned.” Enneagram Type Fives have a compulsive need for knowledge. We love diving deep on topics and learning from experts. Fives want to know how things work, what the origin of things are and why everything is the way that it is. One of the best things about Fives is our curiosity. In our brains, a problem well-stated is half solved, and every problem has a solution. 

Fives also adore books! I actually prefer a hard copy book over my phone many days. Reading is one of the ways Fives recharge to face another day.

Enneagram Type Fives can be perfectionists and often feel like we don’t know enough to speak on or create from our areas of interest. We get easily activated when circumstances deny our desire to learn more and instead force us into action. It’s easy for us to forget that experience is the best teacher, and to instead fall into the trap of knowledge gathering in an attempt (consciously or subconsciously) to avoid taking action. Theories are allowed to be wrong; that’s the nature of theory. Often, we don’t give ourselves the same grace we give theories. Taking up the space needed to learn by doing feels very uncomfortable to Type Fives. We’d rather frontload the learning, then try to make our first attempt perfect. Very rarely does that happen, and its nice to have other Types in our lives that can remind us: done is better than perfect. 

Reserved and Detached

Detachment is our gift, and detachment is our curse. Fives often come off very aloof and detached. To a certain extent, we are. Fives are not great at small talk, and we don’t find much value in it. We’d much rather get to what you know and what makes you tick. We understand that everyone is an expert in something, even if they don’t know it. You can teach me something, and I’m ready to learn! So at social gatherings we’re often looking for deep dive conversations, which aren’t the social norm with strangers, which is why we’d rather avoid them. 

Our (unspoken) dedication to intellectual integrity can also make us seem a bit aloof or too frank for social situations. Fives put a lot of thought into why we believe what we believe, or settling into the idea of “I don’t know”. So, when someone makes a definitive claim, we often have questions. Many people find the directness of a Five’s inquires off-putting. Generally, we don’t mean to offend, we just want to understand.  

The upside to our detachment from emotions is that we can typically see situations with clear eyes. We see the problem and the emotions the problem is causing in two different frames, which allows us to offer fair solutions and help those involved digest the medicine of the situation. However, the downside of our detachment from emotions is that we are also detached from our own emotions.  

Thinking Dominant

Fives are thinking dominant. We love living in the infinite world of ideas. We desire to be intellectual trailblazers and show people what’s possible in our chosen fields. Our deepest desire for our learning is that it will stimulate and benefit those around us. 

We live as if “I am my thoughts”. We can become overly identified with our thinking and conceptualize and pathologize a problem instead of taking action to solve it. I’ve found that the key to breaking out of our negative thinking feedback loop is to share the thoughts with someone you trust. They can often help you find flaws in your logic or shine a light on the very specific  set of things that must go wrong and the very specific order they must go wrong in for our worst case scenario to come true.

When did you first realize you were an Enneagram Type Five?

Two years ago, I worked with a life-coach for about 18 months, and one day in session she asked what my Enneagram Type was. I had never heard of Enneagrams before, but in true Five fashion I replied “Let me do some research and I’ll get back to you on that.” And that’s exactly what I did. I took quiz, after quiz (you know, for validity and reliability purposes) and got the same answer each time. Five was always my dominant type! However, there are parts of me that identified with other Types like Six and One. 

What do you wish people knew about Enneagram Type Five?

Because of our endless thirst for knowledge, sometimes talking with a Five can feel like an interview. We don’t mean to pry or make people uncomfortable by skipping the small talk, we are just lovers of stories, experiences and knowledge. We know each person has a story to tell and something we can learn from them, so we naturally probe. If you want to put us in the hot seat, ask open ended questions that give us a chance to talk about whatever rabbit hole we’ve fallen down most recently. 

Also, please tell us good job! Often, we come off as if we don’t need the feedback of people that are not our superiors, but all feedback is appreciated. We may not give you the response you were expecting because we intake the stimuli and process it later, in private. But your reassurances will make us happy on the inside.  

One thing you’re working on to grow beyond your Type?

I’m working on balancing my relationship with the external world, my body and my feelings. I have the natural inclination to ignore or pay little attention to those things, but they are medicinal. The external world is a rich bevy of stimuli, that can teach me just as much as a book. So I am practicing just observing the outside world, and accepting more invitations to social events. My body is my ultimate teacher, and I became detached from it in childhood. I let the mind rule. So now I am using more somatic practices like daily stretching and yoga as a low stress way to get more entuned with my body. My feelings have also historically been avoided, so I am practicing speaking about the way I feel without conceptualization or reasoning. Just matter-of-factly allowing the emotion to be present, instead of numbing or avoiding. Lastly, I carry a few thoughts with me, laminated on an index card, everywhere I go and revisit them often. They are:

• You are a future self of one of your younger selves who wanted to know more.

• There will always be more to learn, but you have a finite amount of time to experience.

• Empathy, not information, will help heal your anxiety. 

• Your thoughts, while based in reality, are not reality. Reality is reality. Your thoughts are your thoughts.

• Compassion will provide you with healthy relationships (especially with yourself!), and healthy relationships help keep you thinking clearly.

Alyssa Harris is the CEO and founder of The Karuna Lab Life Coaching services where she helps overthinkers reduce their anxiety and stop being ruled by their harsh inner critic so they can finally take intentional action towards the life of their dreams. You can connect with Alyssa through her Instagram or her website:

---

What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?

Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!

Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Integrating the Three Centers of Intelligence

Centers in Imbalance & Disharmony

Though we have all three Centers of Intelligence (head, heart, body), there's WAY too much emphasis on Head Center especially in the Westernized world:

• Logic + reason = maturity

• Science is truth (even though science is itself an ever-evolving PROCESS)

• The only thing that matters is what's concrete, visible, measurable, actionable

• Whatever is abstract, etherial, immeasurable DOESN'T matter (or exist)

• Emotions = immature

• Energy = DNE (does not exist)

In recent decades, there's been more room for the Heart Center themes (it's no surprise that there's been a surge of EQ trainings and that Brene Brown is now a household name):

• Feelings not only exist, but they are valid and essential 

• It's all about empathy, connections, vulnerability, and authenticity

• Let feelings come, let them go - they, too, shall pass*

(*I just think that this development stopped shy, so I've taken that on as a personal mission through Intelligent Emotions to highlight what people do next besides just tolerate feelings.)

We in the Western world are still WAY behind when it comes to integrating the Body Center. So many questions, not a lot of answers...

• If the currency of the Head Center is thoughts and of the Heart Center is emotions, what is it for the Body Center?? (sensations? energy?)

• A lot of the Body Center experiences are a mystery...How exactly do body types just *know* what needs to be done?

• Is it really only that Ones are just super judgmental, Nines are just super pushover-y, and Eights are just assholes?? (So much misunderstanding...)

• Body types are action-oriented so they're spending energy doing/not doing...instead of contemplating deeper truths of life (hello, Enneagram 4s and 5s) or trying to navigate/explore the world around them (Enneagram 2s, 3s, 6s, 7s)

Perhaps we could learn a lot from the Eastern traditions beyond just doing yoga as a form of exercise to improve our image/physique or because it's a trend to follow.

More to come later on Body types specifically, but for now, the question is:

How do we reconcile + integrate all three Centers of Intelligence?

(Skip to the end for one practical application. If you need some explanation as to how and why this matters, keep reading.)

Moving Towards Integration

Whatever we FOCUS on determines what we DON'T focus on. The latter is what we need to nurture so that we're more in balance.

Think of a 3-part wheel (Head/Heart/Body) where some part of the wheel is bigger, another is smaller. Because the wheel is uneven, it doesn't roll well and even gets stuck more often.

To get a well-rounded wheel, we gotta find out make the big part smaller AND/OR make the small part bigger. Sometimes it's okay not to know which one you should do first - pick one, and you'll find out the other eventually.

(The following is an art, not a science. There's WHICH box (Enneagram type) we're stuck in, and there's HOW stuck we are. Pick whichever portion stands out to you and focus on just that for this season. If you're pursuing growth, your other steps will eventually be revealed -- no need to know all the steps now.)

Here are three options for how you can integrate your Centers.

Option 1: Find out what your dominant Center is, and focus on the other two Centers.

All of us in our respective Enneagram types have biases towards certain Centers.

• Body Types (Sensing/Doing) - Type 8s, 9s, 1s

• Heart Types (Feeling) - Type 2s, 3s, 4s

• Head Types (Thinking) - Type 5s, 6s, 7s

Example: If you're Type 2, your dominant Center is the Heart. Your work involves nurturing the Head & the Body Centers through activities like:

• Head Center - being more curious about the world that DOESN'T involve feelings or relationships

• Body Center - being more in tune with your body's experience of food, movement, physical sensations...or seeing the doctor for an annual physical

(If you don't know your type, start here.)

Option 2: Find out what your dominant instinct is, and focus on the other two Centers.

Our instincts also have biases regarding the Centers. If you don't yet know your type, but know your dominant instinct, these will come in handy. 

Self-preservation instinct

• Favors Head/thinking (rational) + Body/doing (practical)

• Against Heart/feeling (too amorphous, messy, chaotic)

Social instinct

• Favors Heart/feeling (image, status) + Head/thinking (bird's eye view)

• Against Body/doing one's own agenda (too selfish, individualistic)

Sexual instinct

• Favors Heart/feeling (relational) + Body/doing (intensity)

• Against Head/thinking (too rigid, complicated, convoluted, boring)

Option 3: Do an activity that involves all three Centers, and notice what you notice.

This is the catch-all option. There are some experiences in life that inherently tap into all three Centers. Here are some examples (by no means an exhaustive list):

• Music

• Art

• Sex

• Food

Basically, the richer things in life that are inherently personal, relational, sensory-oriented, etc. are good options.

None of us can change what we don't know is happening. So notice what you notice, and you'll also be open to things that don't typically occur to you.

(If you need help, ask a trusted person what stands out to them just as another reference point. Then notice what they notice.)

NOTE:

All of these activities *can* be done very passively (often to someone's detriment) but are meant to involve a lot of dedicated presence.

There's also no inherent good or bad, right or wrong way of doing these. (Type 1s, notice what immediate reactions come up to that sentence. Take your reaction as good information, be in your body, and breathe until you settle again.

Pick one of these examples for the week, and do your best to be fully present and engaged with all your senses, all your attention, all your being.

Here are some of what each Center might notice around these experiences:

Body Center

• The 5 senses - sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell

• GO vs. STOP (yes! no!)

• Agency, Freedom, Will - Can I do this or not? Is there something in the way? How can I clear obstacles? 

• Choice, Desire - Am I being controlled? What do I want? How can I get what I want?

Heart Center

• Image - How do I look? How do others see me? Do others see me?

• Status - Is this the best? Worst? Popular? Unpopular?

• Relationships - Who do I do this with? Do I do this solo?

• What do I want? What do others want? What if what I want is different from what others want?

• Connection vs. Authenticity

Head Center

• Possibilities - What are the positive/negative/neutral options? Which is the best option?

• Safety/security - Will I be okay? Will I have enough resources or experiences?

• How do I keep my options open?

• Abundance vs. scarcity, danger vs. safety, insecurity vs. security

Using Art as a Medium for Personal Growth

Here's an example of how I as a Type 4 might try watercolors.

Instead of focusing on Heart Center themes (image, authenticity, status, comparison), I might focus on: 

Body Center

• How do the different brushes feel?

• What are the different strokes I can try?

• Can I achieve what I have in mind? What body sensation kicks in when I can't?

Head Center

• What are the different shades that come out of mixing different colors?

• What happens when I mix more drops of water?

• Or if I wet the paper beforehand and then drop the paint?

• What can I learn from this?

Pick one of the four options (music, art, sex, food) as an exploration of your Center of Intelligence or a growth challenge to integrate all three Centers!

What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?

Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!

Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

What is Your Relationship Model?

It's a recent discovery that I LOVE hosting and connecting people with each other. I don't care so much that people would come to see ME...I LOVE helping people connect deeply with themselves and others. 

Given that the vast majority of my life as an Enneagram 4, I struggled with feeling like I'm always on the outside looking in, this is quite the plot twist.

The main reason why I was able to make this internal shift was realizing what my default relationship model was that was getting me into trouble a whole lot of the time.

Before I explain the different relationship habits of Enneagram instincts, here's a question for you:

If an image or object illustrates what relationship model you have, what would it be?

Here are at least 10 different options (pick 1-2 that most stand out!): 

Hub & Spokes - this was my default! 

You have many 1:1 relationships with others, but don't like when those "spokes" connect with each other directly. You often find yourself controlling/being triangulated in other people's relationship with each other. Each relationship is individual - everyone is so different, hence each relationship is so different, hence there really isn't any basis of comparison between one person and the next.

Silos/Towers

You compartmentalize each arena of your life. Each of these silos operate independently of each other. What happens (positively/negatively) in one arena doesn't have any impact on another.

Concentric Circles - Spouse's Default

You have "tiers" of people who have the same kind of access to you depending on what "level" they're in. There's not a whole lot of focus on individuals within each tier, just the tiers themselves. You also want people within each tier to get to know each other so that no one is left out (interacting with 2+ people across tiers feels weird so you go with the lowest common denominator). You tend to take on a "role" in these tiers and stand out more than being a belonging member.

Spiderweb - Work Wife's Default

The opposite of Hub & Spokes; you like the interconnection between different relationships (and often like being the one to connect someone from one area of your life with another elsewhere). There is more fluid movement between your relationships. Still, you prefer that two of your people don't get closer to each other than they are to you.

Dumbbell

You (overly) attach to ONE person and to NO ONE ELSE. This chosen person is your EVERYTHING. You also expect for them to see you the same way. Often, there is way too much pressure put on the other party. This is often the source of conflict, which gets the person to sometimes double down on the overexclusive reliance on the partner until maybe the relationship falls apart.

Electrons

Your connections with people are fleeting and ever-changing. There's a lot of energy and excitement, but not enough stability and consistency. It's super fun and engaging, but hard to sustain. It's hard to tell who's close to you because of the shifting connections. Everyone comes and goes, and there's not a whole lot of attachment to any particular person.

Fortress

Everyone is seen as a threat, invader, or enemy - no one is exempt. Relationships are barely existent except as a trade agreement (give-to-get) - whatever connections do exist tend to be incredibly utilitarian or transactional. Other people need to repeatedly demonstrate that they're trustworthy, but one strike/they're out.

Fog

It's hard to tell what connections are because it's not clear where you begin and the other person ends. There's little to no definition in the relationship -- are you close? not? Together? not? Exclusive? not? There's not a lot of movement that happens in these relationships because there's a lack of substance or definition. There's just floating...forever.

Host/Parasite

One person (the host) carries the majority/entirety of the relationship responsibilities, and the other is a moocher (the parasite) that sucks the host dry (after which, they just find another prey).

The host doesn't value oneself much and allows the parasite to exploit them because the former doesn't know a life without parasites - it's so unfamiliar that a parasite-free life seems scary...

When the host does try to knock off the parasite, the parasite fights back even harder (for them it feels like life-or-death) until the host just gives up and submits. In order for this relationship to "die", the host needs an entire transformation of their life circumstances and environment - once rid of pests, they cannot go back to old habits lest they be reinfested.

Symbiotic/Interdependent

Unlike the one-sided parasitic relationship, symbiotic relationships are ones that are mutually beneficial. Each party has their own strength that covers for another's weakness. They're DIFFERENT but EQUAL - neither is inherently good or bad. They can coexist without any competition or comparison - there is room for both of their needs.

In true interdependence, you recognize that some needs are meant to be met by you, some by others, some by either, and some by both. There's flexibility in meeting your needs - if for some reason the other person isn't available, you can still find some ways to get your needs met. Consequently, there's not a lot of pressure buildup in one specific relationship, and there's an opening up to other options.

Which of the ten do you resonate with? Would you add any?

• Why do you suppose you gravitate to this model? What BENEFIT do you get? How does it LIMIT/COST you?

• What's one thing you can do to soften your default option? What other models seem within your stretch zone so that you have more options?

The Relationship Habits of Dominant Instincts

Each of the human survival instincts - Self-preservation (SP), Social (SO), and Sexual (SX) - have their respective bias towards certain relationship habits.

This is what it looks like when each instinct is DOMINANT (i.e., it's showing up WAY MORE than it's supposed to and needs to be DIALED BACK):

Self-Preservation (SP) dominant instinct

• Themes: safety, security, control, predictability, order

• More guarded, rigid, controlling

• Hard for other people to read and/or connect with

• More connected to oneself than to others

• Favorite models: Hub & Spokes, Silos/Towers, Fortress, Fog, Parasite 

Social (SO) dominant instinct

• Themes: status, image, influence, power, privilege, hierarchy, belonging 

• More diffuse, no single person is "it"

• Close to the group as a whole but not to individuals; breadth > depth

• More connected to the group's needs than to one's own interests/needs 

• Favorite models: Concentric Circles, Spiderweb, Electrons, Fog, Host

Sexual (SX) dominant instinct

• Themes: chosenness, specialness, intensity, exclusivity, intimacy, passion, competition, rivalry, dominion

• Depth/intensity trumps everything else

• Underly AND overly boundaried - fused/merged with chosen others, excluding everyone else 

• Rivalry/competition, being the special "-est" one (best, prettiest, smartest, richest, wealthiest, etc.)

• More connected to chosen others than to self - lose oneself in the other 

• Favorite models: Hub & Spokes, Silos, Spiderweb, Dumbbell, Parasite/Host

TAME the Dominant Instinct,
NURTURE the Repressed

Don't know if you noticed...none of the dominant instincts lists Relationship Model #10 (Symbiotic/Interdependent). This is because this model happens when all three instincts (Self-pres, Social, and Sexual) are in BALANCE and HARMONY with each other. There is a balance between self (Self-pres) and others (Social / Sexual). 

There's also flexibility and fluidity in shifting between meeting your needs by yourself (Self-preservation), from others in general or groups (Social), or from chosen others (Sexual).

There's a ton of LIFE-GIVING things that happen when our instincts are in balance/harmony, a shit ton of CHAOS that happens when they're out of alignment.

The dominant instinct is one that goes on OVERDRIVE and needs to be TAMED. If your dominant instinct is any of these, these patterns need to be reined in (partially by trying out models that are less familiar).

If any of these instincts are your REPRESSED (i.e., you UNDERLY summon this side of you), you actually need to do these experiences MORE so that you're more balanced (you might be out of alignment right now). Whichever instinct (SP, SO, or SX) you have a visceral *throw up* or judgmental reaction to -- that's your growth edge.

(Part of the reason you might be intensely judgmental towards other people *might* be because this is in your shadow and you're PROJECTING. Maybe they're good at what you abhor. The solution is for you to do what THOSE PEOPLE do ON PURPOSE.)

The Crucible for Growth

For better and for worse, the people who are in your vicinity will challenge your relationship model, especially when you hold a pattern that functions exactly in the opposite way as theirs.

My default pattern used to be Hubs & Spokes, until I just butted heads so often with my spouse (Concentric Circles) + work wife (Spiderweb) that I learned to do what they do and vice versa.

We three are better for this expansion of models, since it's like we each learned another language or two on top of our native tongue. Life is smoother, there's less reactivity all around, and there's more time nurturing our connection with ourselves and each other. 

The people closest to you might drive you crazy, but it might not be THEM that's causing troubles for you. They may just be revealing YOUR growth edge. How do you know? Try doing what they do on purpose, then see what new riches you gain from growing beyond your autopilot and gaining access to life that was once unfathomable to you.

Next Steps for True Interdependence

What is ONE thing you will do this week regarding your relationships to either:

1. Dial back the dominant instinct (do LESS)?

2. Summon the repressed instinct (do MORE)?

What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?

Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!

Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Talk With an Enneagram Type Four

Here’s a video about being an Enneagram Type 4. Melissa Moore from the podcast “Faith Hope Love with Melissa Moore” invited me to talk about life as a Four. Scroll down for a transcript. Follow Faith Hope Love on Youtube.

Melissa: Hey guys, it's Melissa Moore. Thanks for joining me on today's episode of Faith Hope. Love where we grow together in our faith, increase in hope and learn how to better love God and love other people. We are in the middle of our, what's Your Type Enneagram series, and we're talking with a Four today. So I'm joined by a therapist of the Silicon Valley, Joanne Kim, licensed marriage family therapist, and we're gonna jump on in. Joanne, thanks for joining me.

Joanne: Glad to be here. I am a Four who actually doesn't look quite like a four, and I'll speak more to that a bit later. As a therapist, I primarily work with people who have a very. Familiar experience with anxiety, guilt, and shame, and also have an allergic reaction to anger.

A lot of the people I work with happen to be the empathic, conscientious, responsible types who then get burnt out and resentful and then they reach out to me. It's super fun to walk them through what it's like to understand their emotions and work with them instead of working against them. That's my jam.

My Enneagram Journey

Melissa: Being a type Four and being a therapist, I feel like that really helps you a lot in your practice, working with people that are similar in their desires for transformation. It's cool that you're able to help that process along just by being who you are. 

We're talking about the Enneagram today. How long have you been a student of the Enneagram and did you always know that you were a type Four? Did you mistype? What's your process been? 

Joanne: I came across the Enneagram about six or so years ago while I was in my therapy supervision group as a supervisee.

When the people around me introduced it to me I was like, there's no way that this can fit me, there's no way that this is going to resonate. 

And actually I was mistyped early on. It turns out a couple years later I learned that I'm actually a counter type, which means the version of the type that doesn't look like the type.

From the outside, what people would see of me is being very  much like a 9 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, basically everything except for type eight. But those who are close to me definitely know that I'm a Four. Even how I present myself is very much dependent on what mood I'm in. 

Once I learned about the subtypes, that's been a pretty big game changer because apparently the growth path for each type, for the counter type that's supposed to go the opposite direction..

It's been quite an interesting ride. 

Fours are generally known to be very emotional but very open and expressive and melodramatic. Self Preservation Fours go the opposite direction in that they need to actually learn how to open up about their feelings, which is really hard for me.

Strengths and Weaknesses

Melissa: It's interesting that you say that too, with the counter types. That's something that I've only looked into very minimally because Beatrice Chestnut’s book is so extensive. I actually skimmed through the whole thing and really honed in on the type Three.

To be able to address that is something I'm not going to cover in these videos just because it is a whole nother beast. If you're into the Enneagram and you want to go really, really deep, that's a great place to look. Especially if you feel like none of these numbers fits you  perfectly.

With that, being a type Four, how have you seen the type Four, strengths, weaknesses come out in your day-to-day life? Pre-Covid now also being in this Covid world that we live in now?

How has that looked for you personally? 

Joanne: The core themes for the Four are around emotions and around suffering. Fours tend to use suffering as a source of their identity. They kind of use it as a security blankie, and when things are calm on the outside Fours, freak out on the inside. There's a lot of chaos going on, and that's partially why everyone's super confused about them because there's a lot of things shifting internally.

Also, because Fours tend to be very self-referencing, their attention is focused inside themselves. So when Covid hit or when a lot of drastic changes happen for a Four’s life. Like life crises, someone passing away, getting fired from a job, et cetera. Yes, there's a lot of pain that comes from the circumstances, but compared to someone who's not a Four, Fours tend to be very chill.

Most of my clients in my therapy practice are Fours. And the interesting thing that I've noticed when we started getting into lockdown and everything was that all of my Four clients were like, “Yeah, this is uncomfortable and annoying, but okay, I guess we're just all kind of staying at home now.”

Whereas for everyone else, they were like, “I don't know what the hell is happening. I don't know who I am.” They're also having existential crises about their identity, their self-worth, et cetera. 

It's a double-edged sword when it comes to pain and suffering in that, because Fours are so used to it when hard things happen in life, it's kind of a speed bump for them. And they're able to attune to other people who are going through hard times better than perhaps other types autopilots. 

The downside is that they get stuck there. They overly do suffering, especially when things are good, they have an alert reaction to joy.

It's quite a pickle, especially when things are going pretty well and everyone else is like, “Well, why are you feeling so X, Y, z when all these good things are happening.” But that involves a Four dismantling their security blankie. So that's quite the tricky dynamic that their autopilot sets up. 

Fours and Emotions

Melissa: And I think that's something that's so important to talk about with the Four.

I think sometimes they can get a bad rap in saying, “Oh my gosh, they're overly emotional, they think so internally.” I think that's the thing that is unfortunate about that is that Fours are critical to have in life. They make amazing therapists because they're willing and okay and comfortable with sitting with someone in pain.

I'm sure people from the last two years have realized our world is going through a lot of grief right now, and people don't know how to handle it. But Fours do. You mentioned, they see the world through that lens already, and they're okay to sit with people that have lost someone to Covid or lost someone to any other type of loss. They're comfortable sitting in that uncomfortable space. 

I love that you've talked briefly about your course and what you cover in that, talking about those difficult emotions. Again, Fours are comfortable doing that, but a lot of us need help from Fours to allow ourselves to address anger, to address sadness. Normally for me as a Three, I hate looking at those emotions, but I have to, to be healthy and whole. 

What does that look like for you as far as growing in health and wholeness as a Four? Not just during Covid, but pre Covid?

Joanne: I would like to consider that we are all in our elements when we can have harmony between thinking, feeling, and doing. I think that Fours tend to be feeling dominant and then their thinking supports whatever they feel. Hence, there's a lot of fantasizing and they’re action repressed. Which means that sometimes when they're going through a hard time, the one thing that's needed is for them to actually take action but that’s what they tend to under do.

In being able to be more balanced and whole, they're better able to navigate through life. Other people and other autopilots tend to have the opposite where feelings are the ones that are repressed. So if all of us can learn how to integrate all these various modes that we have, then I think it could be a lot easier, there wouldn’t be this stress build up.

I think for the Fours in not just using their emotions as a way of gauging what kind of person they are. Instead seeing that it's one part of many ways of being. I think that perspective would probably help them be more untangled in a lot of their internal stuff. 

Emotions are kind of like our limbs. We have arms, we have legs, but we are not our arms or legs.

Emotions are the same way. If we can see them in their proper place with respect to other things that are also important in life, things would probably be a lot smoother

Melissa: In the course you talk about these emotions. I think that actually would be helpful for a Four to hear you talk about.

Can you talk briefly about that.

Joanne: Nowadays there's a bit more acceptance towards the realm of feelings with Brene Brown's stuff around shame and empathy. A lot of the current leaders focus on accepting emotions and sitting with it and then letting them go.

I think that's moving in a better direction. But it kind of implies that emotions are random like flies that you just need to ignore for some time and they'll just go about their merry way. 

Each emotion has their corresponding theme. If we pay attention to them well enough to know what the patterns are they can actually reveal a lot of what's really important at our core. Which is what we're needing and what we're wanting.

If we can suspend judgment around emotions, people get scared of the expression of it but it’s kind of like emotions are smoke detectors. People popping the smoke detector off the wall, taking out the battery and sticking it back on the wall because they're annoyed by the sound of it versus paying attention to what is the reason why this alarm is going off? 

If all the Enneagram types in noticing their emotional habits, if we can tune into what emotions tend to be overdone, what tend to be under done, it would come in real handy. Instead of our emotions revealing what's happening right here and now, our own patterns give us a quick tip as to where our Enneagram types might actually be getting us stuck. 

For example, Fours generally tend to overly do the negative emotions and under do the positive emotions of joy. Different subtypes do things a bit differently, but you know, compared to type Ones where they have a conflicted relationship with anger and they also downplay joy. With Sevens overdoing joy and downplaying some of the negative emotions. 

All the Enneagram types have their corresponding patterns and if we can find out what our types are it helps us to know what emotional needs are being downplayed. Also knowing our emotions can also help us find our types, as well. So it goes both ways. 

I hope that the way that people are understanding and using the Enneagram is to use it as a tool for self-discovery and personal work instead of how I often see it happening, especially on social media, where it's like find out your types so you know, what kind of latte is right for you, or what kind of job to look for, what kind of partner to be with, et cetera. That's a bit more simplistic and reductionistic. 

Melissa: That really sums up the intention that I've had with putting this series together. I think that if we can understand ourselves better, understand the people that we love better, then we're actually able to live in more healthy ways in our world. 

A big part of that, that I think Fours bring to the table, is they're more willing to look at those difficult emotions, like every other type should be doing but we don't want to because it's uncomfortable and painful.

I think that's where you see transformation and breaking of generational trauma and addressing past hurts. You need to address your emotions around things, understanding what caused you to feel this way so that you actually can take action. Not just to create a better future for yourself, but if you have kids for your kids and your whole family going on down the line. 

It's something that I really think Fours do so well, and I hope that encourages and inspires a Four if you're watching this. You're doing a great job and you're an incredible person. God's made you exactly the way you're supposed to be. And if you know a Four, learn from them. Sit with them a little bit, ask them questions.

Joanne: All the nine types also have their corresponding deadly sin and the opposite, which is known as their virtues.

Interestingly, the virtue for type Four is called equanimity. Which means having evenness and balance within our emotions. But the other definition is in seeing ourselves as equal with other people, and that is the part that's often missing for Fours in that their deadly sin is actually envy.  There's a lot of comparative dynamics to it. 

Once we're able to see that we are also good, not just flawed and broken. If we can see ourselves as both sinner and saint all in the same breath, then that actually helps resolve a lot of the painful experiences that we have in life. 

Personal Growth

Melissa: I want to take a shift to like the more personal, how have you seen understanding yourself as a Four? How has that helped you with your faith in God? How has that helped you to have more hope for the present and the future? How has that helped you to love other people better?

Joanne: Our emotional and our relational health have everything to do with each other. Part of the reason why I am a therapist and also I'm doing this course on emotions is because I'm doing a lot of my own personal work while in the midst of supporting people with their own.

As a self-referencing type, I've gotten into way too many situations, especially in my relationships, where I think I'm interacting with someone but I'm actually interacting with my idea of that person. While the person's sitting right in front of me. In doing so, I've missed out on a whole lot of things that were actually available to me.

As a Four I've lived a lot of my life thinking that I was not eligible for good things. In actuality what that really was is that I am like a horse with front facing blinders. The good thing is actually also right in front of me. It's just that I refuse to see because I am kind of addicted to the chase of trying to look for it out there somewhere.

Interesting thing about my journey as a Four and also my faith is in recognizing that I don't have to make myself better to be good. I am already good. Then from that space I can do awesome things. 

There's a lot of stuff around my identity and my worthiness that I kept getting stuck in growing up because I always felt like there's this one thing that I need, if only I could just achieve it. But even if I achieved that thing, I wouldn't feel any closer to feeling whole. 

In learning about the Enneagram, I found that a lot of it was suffering of my own making because I had this defense structure that insisted on not seeing the one thing that I actually have accessible to me. Which is my own goodness.

A lot of the past couple years has been me suspending my own inner critic and my judgment and learning how to go with how things actually are instead of what I think they ought to be. For example, if I have a birthday or a good thing happens, even though I have my internal reactions of the Fours,” No, I don't want to celebrate, I don't want to do the thing”. Recognizing that’s my ego trying to interfere with me growing. I've practiced saying, you know, I can feel however I feel and also I will still celebrate, or I will still enjoy whatever's right in front of me. 

Joy, rest, play. All those things for me are spiritual disciplines. They're not things that I naturally do for fun because that's a very foreign concept for me.

I think in that way the Enneagram has been really helpful in my personal healing and my growth.

Melissa: I think that's something I appreciate about Suzanne Stabile's book, “The Journey Toward Wholeness: Enneagram Wisdom for Stress, Balance, and Transformation”. She talks about how we need to make space and time for the things that don't feel natural to us. That's how we grow. For a Four that will look a lot like what you just said, taking time to rest, taking time to play, and allowing yourself to feel positively about yourself even if you may not believe that internally yet.

I think every type really can benefit from saying positive things about ourselves. Like I'm loved by God unconditionally, I'm created in God's image, God has a plan for my life. It's not dependent on our worthiness or our goodness even. Those are just promises of God and part of His character. 

I think it's just being able to embrace that we are loved. Maybe I'm taking this wrong but I think that's a common thread for Fours. That they don't often feel worthy of love or they feel flawed.

Joanne: The ironic thing is Fours are known to be authentic, and I think that their intention is to be such.

It's just that when you pick and choose what parts of you to reveal to the world and which parts of you to conceal, namely, shame, then you can't be authentic because authenticity means that you are how you are already. So the thing with Fours is when they say, “Hey, focus on the positive things.” Sometimes there's pushback saying, “Well, that feels fake.” 

I hear you. I don't want you to fake something, but what if, how you see life isn't actually fully accurate to begin with? If our biases towards the positive, then the way to have a more accurate perception of the world is to focus on negative data.

On the flip side, if your bent is looking towards the negative, then the way for you to have a more accurate perception of the world is to look towards the positive. I think there's a bit of resistance when it comes to connecting with the positive because for a person who's identified with this concept of suffering, it's like, if I'm not my own suffering or if I'm not my own pain well then what am I.

That's where there's a lot of really important work to be done in recognizing that we are not how we feel about ourselves. We are not how other people feel about us, but we are who we are, who we are. 

The word identity in the Latin literally means to repeat. It means basically that you are who you are, who you are already and still independently of what you go through in life, what you experience, your decisions you make, how other people see you. It's a lot of unconditionality that is built into that. 

Once we can recognize as Fours that there's nothing that we can do to eliminate unconditionality, it's really hard to get to, but once we can get there, then we don't have any pressure to try to be a certain way. Actually how other people think or feel about us is irrelevant because it doesn't change anything about our identity.

Final Tips

Melissa: I can really relate to that too. I think anyone that's in that heart triad, whether it's Twos, Threes, and Fours, all kind of battle so intensely with that, “What do people think and feel about me?” And that's a big thing I've had to work on. I think Covid really brought that to the forefront for me, recognizing, wow, you do a lot of stuff because you want people to think well of you and think highly of you. It was like once all of those things stopped, it was like, what is my value? 

I think every type really needs to take time to sit and think about that and process through where does my value come from? Is it internally? Is it from God? Is it from other people? Assessing how much of that is healthy and how much is unhealthy.

I think Fours when they're in that healthy space do a really good job about walking with people through that process of authenticity and becoming aware of the walls you maybe put up. The facade that maybe you put up to feel safe. I think Fours can do that really, really well.

Before we wrap up, do you have any final tips for the Four or maybe for someone that loves a Four? 

Joanne: I think what often gets attention when we think about Fours are feelings and there's a big thing that gets missed in the process, and that is our physical body. For Fours I would highly recommend that you do anything that involves moving your physical body, the five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch.

Getting a massage has been one of the best things for me. Not just because it feels good. It's kind of a spiritual process as well where I'm opening myself up to receive good or to be very still instead of constantly moving and shifting. 

For the loved ones of Fours my best tip is to take them seriously, but not necessarily literally.

Kind of like in the book of Revelation, the author, the Apostle John, used words and he tried his best to describe this vision that he was seeing, and words were so limited and finite. I think that's the same for Fours where they're trying to describe something that's very ethereal and existential and abstract. They're doing their best with words, but sometimes it just doesn't cut it. 

So if you take them literally, you're going to get lost in the weeds because that's not particularly what they're trying to go for. 

Instead ask them, “Hey, right now, what do you need? Do you need a listening ear? Do you need a hug? Do you need company? Do you just need to talk it out? Or do you need problem solving? et cetera.” 

There's a children's storybook that I love. It's called “The Rabbits Listened” by Cori Doerrfeld. That will be a good book to have on your shelf if you desire to care for your Four well.

Melissa: I love that. And I think that's really a great tip for any number.

I feel like a lot of us that are in the problem solving types that we want to just say, “Okay, I hear you. What can I do?”

I think to be able to be intentional instead of first jumping to action asking, “Hey, What do you need right now?” I think that is a great tip for anybody that's listening, whether you know a Four or not.

What are the emotional habits of your Enneagram type?

Grab this free guide that highlights the patterns that keep you stuck and the next steps to grow beyond your type!

Don't know your Enneagram type? Find yours here!

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© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Reflections of an Enneagram Type 4 at an Inner Work Retreat

I wanted to share a little bit about some of the things that stood out to me personally at the Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy's Retreat . You can watch the video below or keep scrolling to read the transcript.

My Inner Pendulum

As someone who's recently taken on the practice of yoga, whenever I sit cross legged on the floor, I visualize a pendulum that's inside of my heart. There's something about sitting upright and very still, quieting my self, my thoughts, my heart. It feels like the pendulum is very still, centered.

I was wondering why that imagery stood out to me. I am now realizing that it's because, as a Four, having a very internal turbulence and lots of moving thoughts and feelings and basically being everywhere else except where I am. That's the passion of envy.

My pendulum, on the inside, is always constantly moving. Shifting. Never quite still. Always seeking what's on the other side.

As we all do, we put outside what we feel on the inside. I realized that the vast majority of my life I've been living as if I'm this swinging pendulum, always on the extremes never settled, never steady.

So at this retreat this visual came up to me again.

Slow & Leisurely

Being at a very beautiful retreat center, I'm surrounded by trees and quiet, I decided to be very intentional and deliberate about moving. Like literally moving my body very slowly. So, when going on strolls around I imagined myself moving through molasses in a very steady and slow way, as if time was slowing down.

There's something that happened inside of me where I felt that pendulum being very still and I'm moving so slowly so that the pendulum stays centered and grounded and that felt so freaking good. To be very steady and still and quiet, not constantly on this chase.

In previous retreats I knew what I want to work on. I knew what I want to get out of it. I knew the things that I wanted to jump right into. Let's go, let's make it happen!

And this time around it was more like I don't have any particular thing that's stirring up inside of me, there isn't any particular thing I want to work on. That's not to say that I don't have things to work on, but in that moment, it felt as if I deeply feel okay and content where I am, as I am.

And I gotta say, that is not the typical experience that is attributed to Fours. That's how I knew that this was from outside of myself. It's not anything that I was particularly trying to conjure up. But maybe built on the foundation of all the work that I've done in prior years. Like maybe I am ready to be very present and centered.

Floating, Unanchored

The Type Four experience is like someone who is floating out into the middle of the ocean, and they have no idea which direction is which. Sometimes they go underwater. Sometimes they're above water. It's a lot of feeling lost or disoriented. Unanchored.

Another imagery coming up is like someone who's floating out in space. There's no up or down, left or right, and their tether or umbilical cord is severed. I think that's kind of what describes a lot of the Four experiences. Feeling very aimless, lost, constantly confused and disoriented. Not really feeling tethered or connected to anything and so constantly having this sense of needing to reconnect or to find that supposed connection that was lost.

I feel like I'm in a very different place right now. Or maybe a more accurate way of saying it is I feel like I have access to a different place.

What’s next?

I don't know yet if this is here to stay. If this is going to be the new baseline. But honestly, I never really thought that I could ever be here before. I always thought that I would be constantly needing to be on the chase for something outside.

I'm sharing this with you partially as a way for y'all to get to know me. A lot of people get the impression that I have all my shit together because of the work that I do or the things that people see on my website or my blogs or Instagram or whatnot. A lot of that has been out of a sense of this Self-Preservation Four like, "Let's go, let's get things done, let's make things happen!"

Seemingly effortless, but really striving

I've realized over the years that I've accidentally created this image for other people, especially those who are in the same industries, that I do things very effortlessly. That things come very easily and very naturally to me. Half the time when I do coaching calls with other fours they are like, “I don't know how you do what you do. It seems so polished and put together.” Internally I'm thinking, if only you knew just how much work I put into it.

I don't know what will come up in what I create as I choose into this state of being steady and connected. I'm hoping that a lot of the frenetic energy and this sense of, I better hurry up and do this or else. That state, I hope it will settle down a lot more.

What that means as to what all of y'all would be hearing from me, there's a possibility that I might change the pace, or the direction or, I don't know.

I don't have a whole lot of particular strategies or anything of what I want to write for y'all, but something in me tells me that maybe this is the direction to go in allowing myself to show up like this more often. Being a fellow traveler with you in your own journey, in your own growth process.

I have to share a lot more with you regarding different aspects of the Enneagram, and I don't want to share these things with you as someone who is like above or anything. Or set apart as if I've like mastered anything. It's more like here are some things that I've come across along the way in the ways that I've connected with this deeper truth.

And I hope that some things really resonate with you and call you towards whatever is your next step.

If you’re thinking about going to one of these Enneagram retreats for your own personal growth, here’s a blog about 5 ways the CP Enneagram Retreats can supercharge your growth.

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

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What are your emotional habits?

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

How Enneagram Retreats Help You Grow

Transformation from the Inside Out

As a huge part of my training in becoming an Enneagram therapist, I wanted to work on my own type’s ego patterns through personal inner work.

(If you don't know what the Enneagram is, start here!)

I wanted to do this with my Enneagram teachers - Beatrice Chestnut & Uranio Paes — founders of Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy — through their Personal Mastery & Professional Certification Tracks.

The Personal Mastery Track involves 3 retreats:

• The Experiential Enneagram

• The Psychological Enneagram

• The Alchemical Enneagram (here are my reflections on this one)

Even though I've completed the Personal Mastery Track, I intend on attending these retreats as as part of my heart cleaning annual tradition.

If you're eager and intentional about personal transformation using the Enneagram, here are 5 reasons why I think you def should consider attending one of their CP Enneagram retreats.

(Btw, I'm not getting paid to say any of this...Just really want for you to see for yourself what this form of transformation is like!)

Reason #1: More than just head knowledge

You can read all the books and watch all the seminars about the various Enneagram types and growth steps, but there's nothing that beats seeing things firsthand and hearing about what each type takes away from the exact same activity or prompt.

You might conceptually know about how Heart Types (Enneagram 2s, 3s, and 4s) are image-oriented shapeshifters, but to visibly see in real time just how they shift their body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and gestures to get people to like, admire, or understand them...that's a whole 'nother thing.

You might have heard Enneagram 6s be called "The Contrarian" or "Questioner" but might not understand why until you hear a Six say, "But why??" for the fifth time in a single conversation, constantly pushing back against what was said immediately before.

You might know that Body types (Enneagram 8s, 9s, and 1s) exist, but might not know what that really means until you hear them talk about how they respond to a new situation or decision, that they have a sense of "right or wrong" they sense instinctually in their bodies.

Even Enneagram concepts like arrows work or subtypes come to life when you visibly see them played out concretely.

• How do the different Enneagram subtypes differ from each other?

• What does "taming" the dominant instinct look like?

• What about "nurturing" the repressed instinct?

• How is the Enneagram symbol itself useful for growth?

Reason #2: Growing in the company of others

For various reasons, so many of us tend to try to heal and grow in isolation. 'Tis an overgeneralization, but this is what I've observed of the following groups:

• Heart types (Enneagram 2s, 3s, 4s) tend to feel embarrassed to be exploring their inner pain and struggles in front of others and thus tend to put up an image (or not know who they actually are)

• Head types (Enneagram 5s, 6s, 7s) tend to get stuck in their heads or have a hard time connecting with their own or others' emotions 

• Body types (Enneagram 8s, 9s, 1s) tend to influence (or be influenced) by others

• Self-preservation (SP) dominant folks tend to avoid situations where they don't know what to expect

• Social (SO) repressed folks tend to be mistrusting of groups

• Sexual (SX) dominant folks tend to prefer 1:1 interactions

Because our Enneagram types, subtypes, and instinct sequences reveal how our defense mechanisms (which used to be helpful) eventually create problems, a lot of our present day struggles may arise precisely because of an avoidance of connections with individuals and/or groups. Therefore, reengaging connections might be the very thing to help us get out of our own mess.

We can only heal relationship wounds in relationships. We can't "just get over it" by analyzing, avoiding, ignoring, or controlling relationships.

In these retreats, you're in the company of 20-25 individuals who are there to really do the hard inner work. Inevitably, you'll bump shoulders with SOMEONE in SOME WAY during those 5 days, but might also realize that this is similar to the kinds of struggles you experience in normal life. 

Consider these retreats like a safe laboratory where you can:

• learn more about your own patterns and reactions

• see them happening in real time (so that you might try something different)

• gain feedback about your actual impact on others (and compare them to what you assumed about yourself)

• receive encouragement or recommendations of what else to try

(For example, one of the other participants might have the same subtype as your mom who is so suffocating...This might be a great chance for you to do some deep healing as you interact with that participant differently than how you would with your mom.)

In normal life, you don't have any guarantees that the people you're bumping shoulders with are safe or well-intending. Precisely because people seek these retreats with the intention of truly growing beyond their respective bullshit patterns, you're in good company. What better place to try doing things differently? Sign up here!

Reason #3: Tuning into the Body Center

There's so much emphasis and bias towards Head Center experiences especially in the Western world. Those already intellectualize and also dampening their emotions or body experiences are often celebrated as "good", "mature", etc., whereas those who tend to be emotionally or energetically driven or outwardly expressive tend to be punished more severely.

In recent decades, there's been more welcoming to the Heart Center experiences, with people like Brene Brown or Susan David becoming household names. It's a great thing that there are more literature and media about Emotional Intelligence, nonviolent communication, empathy, etc. because it balances out the heady ways of life.

However, it's gonna take a long while until the Body Center experiences become just as integrated into society (the yoga & meditative movement is just the tip of the iceberg). Think about it - out of the three Centers of Intelligence (Head, Heart, and Body) how much more difficult is it to describe what exactly a Body type is?

More to come about the Body types, but in a nutshell, here are some contrasting concepts to illustrate different Centers of Intelligence:

Head - thoughts // concepts, security, certainty // fear

Heart - emotions // connections, image // shame/sadness

Body - energy // agency, action, will, justice // anger 

CP Enneagram Academy's retreats provide opportunities for you to see firsthand how each of the Centers show up and how you can become more balanced in all three. You'll also witness the nature of energy that is more normal for people who are familiar with Eastern traditions that we don't often see in the Western world.

Reason #4: Collective experiences 

In Reason #2 (Growing in the company of others), I talked about the growth experience that comes from literally engaging other people. There is another dimension of this too that deserves its own section. 

Another limitation to the Western world is the emphasis on the individual - Life is about ME, MY, MINE, including in personal inner work. There is less of an emphasis on WE, OUR, OURS, much to our detriment. So many of society's ailments (racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.) might have been averted had we been more familiar with having a collective consciousness. 

As an Enneagram 4 (which is literally called the Individualist), this has been a huge blind spot of mine. I used to think that as long as I put in the work - if I read the books, attend the workshops, learn more concepts, and do the exercises), I would heal and grow. Only when I learned AMONG others in these retreats did I experience a whole new level of transformation that was impossible for me to attain on my own.

(For example, how can I move beyond my Enneagram 4 shame that says "I'm the ONLY person who struggles with this" until I hear 3-6 other people also say it's their struggle too?)

Discovering collective experiences is one thing...healing collectively is another. When ONE person heals a specific pain, OTHER PEOPLE might also heal in that area by virtue of being present in seeing that happen.

When I connected with and expressed my inner rage in a primal, gutteral scream, a ton of others in the room also unlocked something within themselves.

When I saw one woman (with whom I share very little in common) connecting with her grief in realizing how much time she lost in her reactivity -- I FELT that, too. 

What does this mean? When you are present for another person's pain & healing, you might heal yours too (and vice versa). How much time, opportunities, and money could we save by sharing the healing load?

Reason #5: Limits to therapy & coaching 

Obviously, as an Enneagram therapist & coach, I have a bias towards these fields. Tons of people across various types experience powerful life-changing transformations through these individualized sessions.

However, here are some of the drawbacks of therapy and coaching sessions.

• Hub & Spokes
  Sometimes I literally have the same conversation with 4-5 other within a week, with each person feeling like they're the only person who struggles with this or that they're going crazy. The nature of being a therapist is that everyone shares their deepest darkest secrets with me...not knowing that the person from the previous hour might have felt the same. I really wish I could connect y'all to each other!! Alas -- confidentiality is the law of the land.

• Unidirectional
  There's an uneven distribution of vulnerability (and therefore power) between me & my clients. I know WAY more about my clients than they do about me, and that might make some people feel more nervous or embarrassed in sharing things. How much more growth could happen if y'all were to know what I'm processing too so that you know you're not alone or crazy, that I wouldn't judge you bc you know that I know what it's like!

• Asynchronous
  People share what happened AFTER shit already hit the fan or BEFORE an important event (you can prepare for your interview all you want in session, but what will really happen when it's game time?)

• Expensive
  As much as I believe that therapy & coaching is worth it for many people, what if you could get the same degree of work for a lot less? A 50-min session with me is $275...Weekly sessions skipping holidays & vacations might come to $12,000+ per year. A single 5-day retreat where you get SO MUCH processing done (again, also because you're healing vicariously through others' work too) is $1,500-$2,400. I don't know about y'all, but sometimes retreats might make more math sense depending on the topic. 

There's def a time and place for therapy or coaching...but DO consider retreats as a great supplemental option for deeper work. Retreats don't replace therapy (in fact, Bea & Uranio would probably encourage some people to seek therapy to continue the work after these retreats), but they can definitely help heal or focus our attention on important areas that we might otherwise wander aimlessly around.

A word of caution

Now before you sign up right away, just some things to consider...

Only consider these retreats if you're NOT currently in any form of crisis (recent breakup, job loss, bereavement, psychiatric emergency, etc.). You might want to wait until your life feels somewhat steady before you dive into the depths.

Especially if you've NEVER done therapy before or come from a conservative religious background - there's a chance that what happens in these retreats might feel so out of left field, so different from your worldview, or so beyond your comfort level that you might feel overwhelmed, confused, or disoriented.

If after one of these retreats you need to process, reach out and let's do a coaching session so you can make more sense of what to do next.

It's totally okay to have lotsa feelings - sometimes that's a sign that a huge blind spot has been illuminated.

Have I convinced you enough about these retreats? Here's the link again if you're intrigued!

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

My Annual Heart Cleaning

Every year, I'm digitally offgrid for several days at an inner work retreat with my Enneagram teachers Beatrice Chestnut & Uranio Paes, who founded the Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy.

Some of these retreats, which are a part of their Professional Certification Track & Personal Mastery Track, became the milestone markers of how I've healed and grown over time, as I vividly remember what I was working through each of those moments.

Here’s are some things I worked on at these retreats:

• Recognizing my Enneagram 4 SP autopilot habits of:

  • Getting sucked into melancholy

  • Monologuing about past hurts (much like a broken record)

  • How I create my own suffering 

  • Push/pull dynamics in relationships

• Connecting with my physical body

• Tapping into & releasing pent up rage that's actually my ally

• Connecting with the flow of life, rather than trying to control everything 

Since starting my Enneagram journey, my life did a total 180. I barely recognize myself from when I was younger, and now have dimples to prove it!

This is a snapshot of how I used to be:

• "I AM how I feel."

• The "good, easy kid"

• Emotionally shut down, trying not to be a burden

• Closeted queer kid who grew up in the church

• MAJORLY repressed in all the ways 

• Withdrawn, disconnected from myself & others

• Queen of RBF (Resting Bitch Face)

• An intensity, drama, and complexity junky

• Way too familiar with anxiety, guilt, shame (partly bc I was allergic to anger)

• Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness, shame

• Suffering silently & solo 

...and how I am nowadays:

• "I have feelings, but I'm more than my feelings."

• Anger is one of many feelings that tell me what I need or want

• Open, flexible, light & easy

• Guilt-free rest & play as part of my normal rhythm 

• Open heart to receive whatever life has in store for me that day 

• Nurturing and pursuing my desires (rather than swinging between repression & resentment)

• Mutually nourishing relationships 

• Having the time of my life

Here’s a video of me sharing my takeaways from a past inner work retreat.

If you're wanting to supercharge your own inner work journey (I'm specifically looking at all y'all who tend to hoard heady knowledge about personal development without actually taking action), I HIGHLY recommend CP Enneagram's personal retreats.

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Why Self-Judgment Doesn't Help But Actually Keeps You Stuck

Judging Yourself: Understandable But Not Helpful

I came across this beautiful quote by Dr. James Rouse that summarizes why it's so important to not judge ourselves for having done what we said we wouldn't do, or not doing what we said we would do:

"We cannot shame ourselves into change, we can only love ourselves into evolution."

Here is a 5-minute video that was such a needed reminder for me this week. 

Well-Meaning But Misguided

You have your Enneagram autopilot patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing because this is what you needed to navigate times in your life when you were actually powerless, resourceless, and/or supportless.

The very cage that protected you from the scary, shifting outside world when you were younger actually restricts you and causes suffering when you grow bigger in size. Your body grows up and your abilities expand, but your autopilot survival mode doesn't upgrade accordingly.

Hence it's really important to be gentle with yourself that your Enneagram autopilot is still on - it's trying to help you, but with outdated information.

(Think of an employee who out of fear of being fired keeps creating problems it knows how to solve...If that person has reassurance that they're safe and okay, they might actually direct their attention and energy towards what is actually needed and beneficial and become a fantastic worker.)

Time To Grow Beyond! 

If you're feeling like your approach to life just isn't working the same way for you anymore (or that it's actually creating problems), it's time for you to take the next step in taming and peeling back your autopilot (open the doors to that cage) so that you can spread your wings and explore the wondrous skies that you were always meant to enjoy.

Here are some options for next steps:

1. Learn more about your Enneagram autopilot through these blogs or other resources

2. Schedule a 1:1 Enneagram coaching session for you chart your next growth steps beyond your type

3. Join the waitlist for my BFF Melinda Olsen's type-specific growth groups (for 2s and 4s)

4. Check out one of the Enneagram inner work retreats led by my teachers Beatrice Chestnut & Uranio Paes

Wherever you are in your journey, I am so proud of you and happy that you're here. It's not an easy journey to grow beyond your patterns, but so so worth it.

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

What is Self-Referencing + Others-Referencing?

What is Self-Referencing?

Self-referencing means using your own perceptions and experiences as the main - sometimes even final - reference point with which you process through things or make decisions. Other reference points (like other people's experiences or perspectives) often don't even occur - an afterthought if it occurs to them at all.

The Enneagram types most likely to do this are Types 4, 5, 7.

• Enneagram 4s often get into such chaotic, push-pull dynamics is because they're basically living out a relationship with their IDEA/fantasy of someone instead of the actual person.

• Enneagram 5s often take on a passive observer, gathering information of the outside world from their ivory tower within their fortress for them to then process (and come to conclusions) on their own without others' actual input.

• Enneagram 7s are often focusing on pursuing pleasure/avoiding pain, and in doing so, they are often less likely to give much weight to other people's experiences.

Self-referencing ≠ selfish.

It's just that those who are self-referencing are more likely to go through life thinking that they're the main character and that everyone else is a NPC (non-playing character) or a faceless, storyless extra. 

Someone can be incredibly caring of others, while still seeing life through (mostly) their own lens (ex: Self-pres 4s or Social 7s). 

GROWTH TIP for Self-Referencing types:

Practice OTHERS-referencing by asking other people questions (and NOT answering for them!). Practice living as if what others are saying are true and see what happens.

What is Others-Referencing?

Others-referencing means using other people's perceptions and experiences as the main (sometimes final) reference point. Enneagram 2s, 3s, and 9s are generally others-referencing that they often have a difficult time knowing their own perspectives, opinions, wants, and needs. 

Others-referencing ≠ generous.

Thinking about other people's feelings and needs does not automatically mean that someone is considering their well-being over one's own. There are instances where someone can be thinking about others as a way to fill one's own needs (Type 2s & 3s are more likely to do this by shapeshifting.)

Type 9s would think about others as a way of not thinking about themselves - this seems selfless, but more in the ego-driven sense and not the actual selfless sense. Nines need to actually reconnect with SELF.

GROWTH TIP for Others-Referencing types:

Practice SELF-referencing by NOT asking other people questions about what they think but making decisions for yourself. Notice the outcomes and your reactions.

What did you learn from that experience about yourself - your wants, needs, opinions, and values? 

What about Types 1s, 6s, and 8s?

Types 1, 6, and 8 are a mix of both self-referencing and others-referencing. It depends more on their dominant instincts (see below).

How does Enneagram subtype play into self- or others-referencing?

A person's subtype (Enneagram type + dominant instinct) is likely to impact how strong someone is self- or others-referencing.

• Self-preservation dominant folks are more likely to be self-referencing than other instincts of that type.

• Social dominant folks are more likely to consider group dynamics, agendas, and perspectives.

• Sexual dominant folks are more likely to give weight to their significant people's experiences and preferences (e.g., parents, partners, children, best friends, etc.)

Of course, we have all three instincts, so this is not a prescriptive rule, just an observation.

Part of using the Enneagram for personal growth means dialing back the dominant instinct and practicing more of the repressed instinct so that we would be more rounded out and holistic in how we see life, ourselves, and others.

Why is this important?

A car with only gas OR brake pedal is no good - it needs BOTH pedals to function to its full potential.

The goal is to have ready access to BOTH self- AND others-referencing, instead of being stuck on just one OR the other.

Wherever your Enneagram autopilot leans, take some steps this week to balance yourself out!

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

How NOT to Use the Enneagram

Did you know that I am born and bred in Berkeley? Did you know that Berkeley happens to be a historical significant spot for the Enneagram?

The Enneagram has been around for thousands of years, passed down as an oral tradition. Because of the power of the Enneagram to reveal people's innermost patterns, wise teachers wanted for this system to only be shared with those who had the emotional, psychological, and spiritual maturity to wield its wisdoms well.

Alas, Berkeley students did as Berkeley students do, in defying their teachers' instructions to NOT write down anything about the Enneagram...by writing down things about the Enneagram.

The Enneagram as we know it today is what's exploded since it's been put to paper from the 1970s and on. It's come and gone in popular waves a number of times since then, and I believe that we're in the middle of yet another one.

When some individuals, friend groups, church circles learned about this compact yet comprehensive system, they took the ball and ran with it HARD, leading to the dissemination of the Enneagram across the world. (Yes, the old teachers are turning in their graves.)

I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that the Enneagram is picking up in popularity especially through social media.

I LOVE that more people have heard about it and thus are open to learning more about it.

I HATE that the information that's being passed around is the exact OPPOSITE of what the Enneagram was meant for.

How NOT to Use the Enneagram

Here are some ways the Enneagram is NOT meant to be used. If you have done any of these, no shame (I've done them too!) - but I implore you to do an about face and run the other direction.

Type Other People  

"Obviously, this person is a Type ____ because XYZ."

The Enneagram is meant to be an inside-out system. It's meant to be used as a thorough/deep process of self-discovery, NOT as a way to pigeonhole people (read more below).

Part of the reason why online Enneagram tests often aren't as reliable (and why so many people have dismissed the Enneagram as a flaky system) is because of poor typing. Compared to other personality frameworks like the Myers-Briggs or StrengthsFinder (which tells us WHAT people do), the Enneagram tells us the behind-the-scenes motivations (core fears, needs, and wounds) - namely the WHY we do what we do.

But think about it...how many people are ACTUALLY AWARE of their own subconscious? Self-reporting tests are answered according to the person's own level of self-awareness (which btw - some types are notorious for not really knowing themselves or their inner world).

Furthermore - partially because Berkeley students didn't really know the full system they released into the world - there is a thing called SUBTYPE. More to come on this later, but in a nutshell, there are 9 Enneagram types and 3 instincts (one of which is dominant).

9 Enneagram types x 3 options for dominant instincts = 27 subtypes.

One subtype per type is called the COUNTERTYPE (namely the version of type that doesn't look how they're often portrayed). Countertypes are lookalikes to other Enneagram types; hence they're the ones who have the most difficulty finding their type, partially because they've been mistyped by someone else.

I happen to be a countertype - though I am a Type 4 on the inside, on the outside I look like everything but. As a Self-preservation 4, I can often lookalike all the other eight types (but ironically not Type 8). 

It's alright for you to make an educated guess about another person's type, but at the end of the day, that individual is the final arbiter of what they do or don't resonate with. They also might need some time to really sit with and process that.

Check your own motivations in wanting to be so certain about their type (your own Enneagram autopilot patterns are still on!!). Be open, be humble, be curious. Don't let your own ego get in the way of another person's precious journey. (Especially those who are Type 1s or 2s!)

If you're not sure about your own Enneagram type, or if a loved one wants to know theirs (don't force them!!), this blog gives some DIY steps.

Defend Your Own Defense Mechanisms

"This is my type. Therefore, this is just who I am.
Therefore, just accept me as I am and don't tell me what to do."

Don't shrug your own responsibility to grow with a cop-out answer like this.

Unconditional acceptance is a very important experience for us to have. However, it's a different story if we've accepted ourselves as being someone or something we're not.

Our Enneagram types tell us our COPING STRATEGIES, not WHO WE ARE.

In the same way we HAVE an arm but are NOT our arm, we HAVE an autopilot Enneagram type but are NOT our autopilot.

There are so many more wonderful things to you than your coping! Discover who you really are BEYOND your type, THEN learn to unconditionally accept yourself. 

Defend Other People's Defense Mechanisms 

"This is their type. Therefore, this is just who they are. Therefore, I just need to accept them as they are and let them be."

This is a tricky one. You can have unconditional acceptance of someone WITHOUT putting up with their bullshit (especially if they're dumping their stuff onto you). Don't just let them off the hook (that *might* be a part of your own autopilot!).

You do NOT need to tolerate mistreatment from someone else just because that's what they're used to. You might not be in a position to give them feedback, but you don't need to wait for them to heal and grow before you do.

Eyes on your own lane. How is your own autopilot interacting with theirs? Some Enneagram types/subtypes (*cough* Type 1s, Type 2s, Type 3s, Self-Preservation 4s, Social 7s, etc.) have a habit of taking on OTHER peoples' responsibilities. If this is you, it's super important that you SPIT THAT SHIT OUT, nurture yourself, and get your own needs met.

Put Yourself and/or Others in a Box

"This is my type. Therefore, this is the kinda life, job, or relationships that I'm compatible with."

Don't sell yourself short by thinking that ONE part of you is ALL of you. Also, give yourself more credit that you are someone who can GROW.

Here's a question that comes up all too often: "Which Enneagram type am I romantically compatible with?"

I've written my answer here.

Life Beyond Your Type

The Enneagram is an invitation for you to grow first and foremost from the inside out. Become familiar with your own autopilot's workings so that you can eventually catch it in action and pivot in a better direction. 'Tis a very noble journey you are embarking - this is def not for the faint of heart.

I'm cheering for you wherever you are, no matter your type! Let your type be the starting point of a hard yet beautiful journey towards freedom.

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Why Each Enneagram Type Goes to Therapy

Here's a bit of tongue in cheek for you, somewhat based on my observations as an Enneagram therapist. (I'm half joking...and half serious.)

Why does each Enneagram type go to therapy?
vs.
What's their actual need for therapy?

(Not sure what your Enneagram type is? Check out these steps!)

Enneagram Type 1
(The Improver)

What they think they need

• How to be good or better, because they're frustrated with how they/things are now.

• How to get over anger, resentment, and bitterness.

• How to deal with anxiety.

What they actually need 

• How to recognize that what's nonideal/imperfect can still be good & worthy.

• How to be more "bad" - messy, imperfect, irresponsible, childish.

• How to allow things to be as they are, however they are.

Enneagram Type 2
(The Befriender)

What they think they need

• How to improve relationships.

• How to help other people.

• How to not be so emotional.

What they actually need 

• How to see that relationships can actually cost them.

• How to recognize that their own feelings are their allies.

• How to meet some of their own needs themselves, rather than indirectly through other people.

• How to learn to be in and enjoy solitude - connect with themselves first and foremost.

Enneagram Type 3
(The Performer)

Often choose coaching over therapy (who has time for feelings??)

What they think they need

• How to seem like they have their shit together.

• How to deal with their emotions efficiently.

• How to "level up" so they can be more effective at what they do.

What they actually need 

• To slow down and catch up with their own heart.

• To see themselves (and others) beyond what they do.

• To find out who they actually are & what they actually want.

Enneagram Type 4
(The Individualist)

What they think they need

• How to resolve the past that made them who they are today.

• How to navigate relationships with people who just don't get them.

• How to not self-sabotage their endeavors. 

What they actually need 

• How to not stay stuck in the past (or future) ((or fantasy) but live in the present.

• How to recognize that they create/embellish their own suffering.

• How to see the good and enoughness in themselves.

Enneagram Type 5
(The Observer)

Often don't show up unless dragged into couples therapy

What they think they need

• To not be in therapy because the partner's the one with the problem.

• How to "figure out" feelings.

• How to deal with the existential dread of feeling like they're running out of time.

What they actually need 

• How to recognize that they actually have more energy and resources than they think they do.

• How to see other people as opportunities to get their needs met, not intruders.

• How to live life outside of their head and more in their heart & body.

Enneagram Type 6
(The Questionner)

What they think they need

• How to deal with work stress - procrastination, anxiety, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, etc.

• How to deal with relationships with close people.

• How to not be so stuck.

What they actually need 

• How to acknowledge just how much fear & anxiety drives them.

• How to recognize their own strengths and authority, rather than seeing them in others.

• How to rest and relax their mind and body in the present.

Enneagram Type 7
(The Enthusiast)

Often don't show up unless dragged into couples therapy

What they think they need

• How to wiggle their way out of therapy ASAP.

• How to charm the therapist so they don't have to talk about hard things.

• How to maximize fun and enjoyment in life.

What they actually need 

• How to see that their avoidance of limits itself is what's actually keeping them trapped.

• How to see order, routines, and commitments as actually making enjoyment possible.

• How to recognize negative feelings actually make life richer.

Enneagram Type 8
(The Challenger)

Often don't show up unless in couples therapy

What they think they need

• Nothing. They're fine. Clearly the other person is the problem.

What they actually need 

• How to see their actual impact on their life, work, and relationships.

• How to see their avoidance of weakness/vulnerability is what's creating situations where they're actually powerless (e.g., a breakup).

• How to allow themselves to be the one protected and comforted.

Enneagram Type 9
(The Peacemaker)

What they think they need

• How to deal with relationship stress.

• How to deal with work stress - procrastination, not implementing their goals.

• It's too much work to think about myself and what I need. I just don't like what's happening now.

What they actually need 

• How to reconnect with and befriend their anger as a source of energy.

• How to individuate themselves from others instead of merging.

• How to take the next right step to identify and push forward their own agendas.

Wanna grow BEYOND the trap of your Enneagram type?

Spots open for 1:1 Enneagram therapy or coaching!

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Growth Tips for Each Enneagram Type (Part II)

In a previous blog, I gave one exercise for each Enneagram type to try as a way to grow BEYOND your type.

Have you tried yours?

Here's another set of growth steps.

Type 1 (The Improver)

• When I'm on vacation, am I in:

  • Work mode - optimizing your schedule, trying to be efficient, doing what you think you "should" do, etc.

  • Play mode - being present with how things actually are (instead of what they SHOULD be), relaxing, and enjoying the moment

  • What feelings, sensations, or reactions come up when you reflect on relaxing/taking a break?

Type 2 (The Befriender)

• Set aside 1-2 hours each week doing something BY yourself, FOR yourself, and WITH yourself - something that doesn't benefit anyone else but you. Some examples:

• go to the library and read a book

• take yourself out to a coffee shop or restaurant on a solo date

• do what you used to enjoy as a kid (or always wanted to do but never got around to it)

• get a massage 

• If these ideas sound AWFUL, what feelings, thoughts, or reactions come up? Why do you suppose that is?

Type 3 (The Achiever)

• Ask 5 people from different parts of your life to describe you with 3 words.

• How varied or similar are the responses? Do others see the same version of you from place to place, or do they see different versions of you? Why do you suppose that is?

Type 4 (The Individualist)

• How often do you feel bored? How often do you lose interest in something or someone you've been chasing for so long and you actually manage to attain? Why do you suppose this reaction is?

Type 5 (The Observer)

• How would you describe your relationships with a diagram? What are the advantages and disadvantages of this relationship setup? How does this relationship style impact your stress levels -- for better and for worse?

Type 6 (The Questionner)

• When have there been moments where something terrible DID happen and that you were able to survive (maybe even excel in) that moment? How can you give yourself more credit for your STRENGTHS?

Type 7 (The Enthusiast)

• What have been some ways that your pursuit of positives/downplay of negatives has led you to LESS positives and MORE negatives? How can you practice connecting with the negative side of life a bit more than before SO THAT you can have fuller, deeper access to the truly joyful things in life?

Type 8 (The Challenger)

• Write down the impact you think you have on others. Ask 3 people you trust for feedback. Read the feedback when you're alone -- the point is for you to gather & sit with new information, not to react in front of others. Allow whatever reactions to come up (move your body as you need), and when you're more grounded, then use your head & heart to really consider the gravity of the content. Make 5% more room in your life to accommodate the feedback.

Type 9 (The Peacemaker)

• Practice initiating hangouts with other people, rather than only waiting for someone else to initiate. It's okay for them to say no -- if so, go ask someone else!

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

How Does Each Enneagram Type Self-Sabotage?

Type 1 (The Improver)

Ones believe that they must BECOME good by constantly improving themselves, the world, and/or others, not knowing that they are ALREADY good though imperfect (bc good ≠ perfect).

Ones sabotage knowing their own goodness by refusing to acknowledge their inherent goodness and constantly looking for something to "fix".

Type 2 (The Befriender)

Twos believe that they must constantly make themselves lovable by shapeshifting into what (they think) others need, not knowing that they are ALREADY lovable as they are.

Twos sabotage themselves in refusing to take in love they do get because they're so used to transactional support. If they get love, it's as if they need to do something to "pay back the debt" because love isn't free.

Type 3 (The Performer)

Threes believe that they must constantly make themselves more worthy & admirable by seeming more successful, not knowing that they are ALREADY worthy and admirable in their true selves.

Threes sabotage themselves by shapeshifting so much according to others' definition of success that they forget who they actually are. They forget that success is defined by who THEY themselves are and what they WANT, not what others think.

Type 4 (The Individualist)

Fours believe that there's something inherently wrong with or missing from them that makes them worthy, not knowing that they are ALREADY whole and enough. 

Fours sabotage themselves from connecting with goodness by assuming they're already disqualified from it. They desperately want to be understood, but also (unknowingly) make themselves un-understandable by constantly making themselves the exception to the rule. (slippery weasels, we are!)

Type 5 (The Observer)

Fives believe that they don't have enough resources, time, and energy to deal with the world's demands, not knowing that they ALREADY have more than enough resources (because the world provides for what they need). 

Fives sabotage themselves by cutting themselves off from the world, living in their fortress behind impenetrable walls and up the ivory tower, assuming everyone else is a potential invader who would take their resources, while obsessing over their diminishing supply and getting depressed because they're disconnected from everything.

Type 6 (The Contrarian)

Sixes believe that they're unsafe in this scary world, not knowing that they ALREADY have enough strength, authority, and ability to take care of themselves IF they need to.

Sixes sabotage themselves by starting to create threats because they don't know how to (or don't want to) live in peacetime mode. (Pre-traumatic stress disorder!!)

Type 7 (The Enthusiast)

Sevens believe that they need to avoid being trapped in neverending pain/negativity by pursuing as many fun experiences as they can, not knowing that they are ALREADY capable of navigating (and surviving) the darker waters that actually give them deeper joy.

Sevens sabotage themselves by avoiding responsibilities, painting themselves into a corner when the consequences of those decisions pile up and shit (still) hits the fan.

Type 8 (The Challenger)

Eights believe that they need to constantly be powerful or else they'll be vulnerable or betrayed, not knowing that they are ALREADY vulnerable and it's okay to be comforted and protected by others.

Eights sabotage themselves by making so many risky and chaotic impulsive decisions that actually strip them of their power and make them vulnerable to rejection and betrayal.

Type 9 (The Harmonizer)

Nines believe that they need to blend themselves into the background so as to not rock the boat, not knowing that they ALREADY matter and belong as a unique individual.

Nines sabotage themselves by avoiding upsetting others so much that this itself causes tension in their relationships and life.

What reactions come up for you when reading about your types self-sabotage strategies?

Did I go for the jugular...? Sorry, not sorry!! I do want GOODNESS, WHOLENESS, & FREEDOM for you.

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Growth Tips for Each Enneagram Type (Part I)

The Enneagram tells us 9 different ways of seeing/responding to life that USED TO be helpful coping strategies when we were younger that NOW keep us stuck in painful situations.

(If you don’t know your Enneagram type, here’s a blog to help you find it.)

Here is one quick growth tip to help you grow BEYOND your Enneagram type!

Type 1 (The Improver)

• Go out in nature and observe how the trees & wildlife are imperfect AND YET are still worthy. Entertain the idea that the same might also apply to you.

Type 2 (The Befriender)

• What percentage of your time this week did you spend focusing on or doing something for other people?

• What's your guess as to what percentage of time non-Twos spend on others?

• Go gather info - ask 3 people you know (ideally non-Twos) this question and hear what they say.

• Notice the difference - What are the BENEFITS of spending less attention on others and more on themselves? 

Type 3 (The Achiever)

• How often have you felt the emotions of impatience or frustration this week around tasks?

• What might be the BENEFITS of things moving at a different speed or way that you would like?

Type 4 (The Individualist)

• (Without judging yourself) What is your guess as to the kind of impact you have on other people? (positive? negative? big? small? neutral?) Write the guess down.

• Ask 3 other people this question, then compare their answer to yours. Do their answers align with yours?

• If yes, what's that like having accurate self-assessment?

• If no, why do you suppose their responses are so different from yours?

Type 5 (The Observer)

• What's your reaction when you find out that you DON'T know something? How comfortable are you with the state of not knowing about a topic or not knowing how to do something?

• Does it matter whether other people know whether you do or don't have knowledge in an area? Are there ever moments when it's okay that you don't have all the information or know-how?

Type 6 (The Questionner)

• At the beginning of the day, write down what you anticipate happening in the day. At the end of the day, write down what actually happened.

• Focus on the ACTUAL, not HYPOTHETICALS.

Type 7 (The Enthusiast)

• When thinking about what to do over the weekend, write down 5-6 options of activities, put them in a jar, then draw one card.

• Consider what else remains in the jar as irrelevant until the following weekend.

• This one option is the adventure of the weekend!

Type 8 (The Challenger)

• When has your reliance on your power and strength backfired?

• When something goes wrong, how likely are you to assume that it must automatically be because someone else messed up?

• How often do you take ownership of your own impact on the outcome or on relationships?

Type 9 (The Peacemaker)

• Coin Flip - When making a decision, flip a coin. When the coin lands with its assigned outcomes, notice your immediate reaction. Did you feel relief or tension?

• Relief means go with the outcome of the coin toss.

• Tension/dread means go with the other option.

After you try this, leave a comment letting me know what you think! Since I only have firsthand familiarity with the ways of Type 4, I would love any feedback from those of other types!

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

What are Enneagram Instincts & Subtypes?

What's an instinct?

*This post is more intermediate-level content. If you’re new to the Enneagram, start here.

All living beings (yes, including mammals & lizards) have three gut-based instincts that (supposedly) help with survival. These instincts hang out in our lizard brain, the part that controls all automated/involuntary experiences (e.g., heart rate, body temp, pupil dilation, etc.).

There's way too much info for our brains to handle (especially when we're kids), so our brain simplifies the process by focusing in on certain themes or details (informed by our dominant instinct) and ignoring the rest (what goes with our repressed instinct).

Our dominant instinct is much like a barrel of a cannon (the HOW), directing the "firepower" of our Type (the WHY) in three specific arenas/themes:

Self-preservation (SP)

• main focus on the concrete & practical, one's own personal experience (internal)

• themes of control, predictability, safety, security, rhythm, routine, structure

• energy: withdrawn, constricted, guarded, quiet

Social (SO)

• main focus on one's position vis-a-vis the group/collective (who's in/out, top/bottom, who has or lacks power, influence, status, prestige)

• themes of responsibility, roles, politics, strategy, power, influence, status 

• energy: outward, strategic, calculated - depends on the group culture

Sexual (SX) - aka "Intimate" or "1:1"

• main focus on one's status or closeness chosen individuals (attachment figures - parents, partners, kids, best friend, or who's right in front at the moment)

• themes of attention, intensity, extremity (biggest, brightest, best, prettiest, strongest, closest), competition, rivalry, conquering

• energy: selectively outward, vivacious, expansive, boundary-breaching, creative, spontaneous 

What's a dominant instinct?

This is the instinct that shows up without the person even trying to do so. Someone who's sexual dominant (compared to the other instincts) tends to have a much easier time being spontaneous and wild than the other two instincts.

Though the dominant instinct HELPED a person navigate difficult times before (e.g., when the person's a powerless, resourceless child), at a certain point, this very thing is what starts CREATING problems (because that's what it knows how to "solve").

In personal growth using the Enneagram, we are to find out our dominant instincts and REIN IT IN so that we can give a chance for other instincts to show up. Otherwise, it'll be like seeing everything as a nail just because we're only holding a hammer.

Put down the hammer so that you can use other tools that might be more helpful in a given moment.

What's a repressed instinct?

This is the instinct that DOESN'T show up as easily as the others; moreover, the person might have completely locked it up and/or forgotten about it.

Whereas the dominant instinct is the one that shows up MORE THAN IT'S SUPPOSED TO, the repressed instinct is one that DOESN'T SHOW UP AS MUCH AS IT NEEDS TO.

This is like trying to build a shelf with a hammer without even knowing that screwdrivers exist. When someone's invested so much energy and prided themselves in being a hammer-wielder, the idea of (1) putting down the hammer and (2) picking up a screwdriver might feel offensive.

When we get in touch with our repressed instincts (which is vital to our wholeness), our initial reaction might be disgust, horror, or shame. This doesn't mean the repressed instinct is bad, but that we need to heal our relationship with this instinct SO THAT we welcome it back into the team.

What's a subtype?

One's Enneagram subtype is when you combine the type (e.g., Type 5) with the dominant instinct (e.g., Social). The end result (e.g., Social 5) is a specific way the type shows up.

With respect to the other subtypes (e.g., Self-pres or Sexual 5), this subtype has additional relevant themes according to the dominant instinct. (A Social 5 is a Type 5 who is more conscientious about one's position with respect to the group than the other two 5s might).

Our Type: the WHY we do what we do

(ex: Fours make themselves unique/different because it's how they feel like they leave their mark on this planet -- otherwise it was like they were never here)

Our Subtype: the HOW we do the WHY

(ex: Social Fours become like the tragic artist, Sexual Fours distinguish themselves for their fiery authenticity and giftings, and Self-pres Fours get a shit ton of things done)

Because there are 9 types and 3 versions per type, there are 27 subtypes. This is partially why there can be such variety even among those of the same type.

Why is subtype important?

We can't change what we don't know is happening. If we were to use the Enneagram for personal growth, and if our types are autopilots that try to remain invisible as much as possible, knowing our subtypes helps us re-see the invisible and loosen its hold on us.

Furthermore, sometimes people have a difficult time finding out what type they are because they're what's called a countertype. Countertypes show up very differently than what we would expect (like 1 + 2 = 6).

Each of the 9 types have a countertype. I happen to be one - as a Self-preservation 4, I'm a Four on the inside but show up like basically any other type on the outside (it depends on my mood).

Because the countertype's patterns go the OPPOSITE direction as the other two, the growth path is also the opposite. (ex. Self-pres Fours need to be MORE emotionally expressive, whereas Social and Sexual Fours need to be LESS.)

(I'll write something else about the 27 subtypes later - for now, check out this podcast episode by my Enneagram teachers.)

Why is the Enneagram important?

If you take away ANYTHING, I hope it's knowing your own autopilot that used to help before, but now keep you trapped in pain.

The Enneagram types & subtypes can expedite that process at warp speed because it gets to the heart of the matter with so much accuracy - as if someone read your journal entry.

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Let Your Body Show You The Way

If you told me a decade that I would EVER become a yoga studio member, I woulda thought you were high...

The few times I did yoga before, my reaction was:

• WHY IS THIS SO SLOW??

• WHY IS THIS SO BORING??

• There's no freakin' way I can do that.

• What if I fall?

• What if I fart?

• What if everyone looks at me funny?

• OMG...why am I here again?

• *insert more grumbling* 

Don't quote me on this, but it's my observation that Enneagram 4s are typically very disconnected from their physical bodies (and overly connected to their heart first and then their head). The body is an afterthought, except as a target of self-criticism, judgment, and shame.

I have no freakin clue what possessed me to not just sign up for a 3-week trial at the yoga studio, but also to sign up for a membership (and actually stick with it even to this day!!).

Whatever the reason, here are all the things I've learned from being more connected with my body center of intelligence.

See which ones stand out to you, especially if:

• You live disconnected from or unaware of your body

• You tend to live as if the world is on your shoulders

• You believe that you are what you DO

• You’re a control-junkie

• You manage how you’re seen by others

• You have a hard time being still or resting

The only thing I bring into the studio with me is my mat and my body.

I leave everything outside the door -- my phone, my schedule, my email, my responsibilities, my worries.

These things continue to exist, but during the next 1-1.5 hours, it's as if they are irrelevant.

The world continues to spin even when I'm not doing anything.

Life continues, even when I don't do anything else.

The world does not fall apart just because I stopped working.

No one is dying because I am not thinking about them or not doing anything for them.

Other people continue to live & exist as if I am not the center of the universe. (Ha!!)

When I'm lying on the floor, I am literally doing NOTHING. The FLOOR is doing all the work in lifting me up.

I don't have to be the only one giving, working, serving, etc. to others; I CAN be a passive recipient of someone (something) else doing good work.

I too deserve to receive good things; I don't need to EARN goodness.

I am not more worthy when I'm useful, and I am not less worthy when I'm not.

I can just rest -- nothing bad is going to happen in this exact moment.

‘Come with the body you have...’

What I have in this moment is enough. Some days I come with more energy, some days with less. Neither is inherently better or worse -- it is what it is. I show up however I am...and that's enough.

There is no basis of comparison with others bc we all have our own bodies (& individualities). All are welcome as we are, however we are.

My body can do so many more things than I ever gave it credit for.

I've learned to suspend judgment on my own body and let it demonstrate what it actually can or can't do as a neutral piece of info. It is what it is!

If I'm surprised by just how much my body is actually capable of doing, maybe it can also do other surprising things!

Let me see what actually happens, rather than assuming a certain outcome and not bothering to even try.

I don't need to be in control or in the lead. I don't have to always know what's coming next or where it's going.

I have no clue where the yoga instructor is going to take us. Sometimes even they don't know! And that's totally okay.

All I need to do is to follow their lead and to focus on just the immediate next step.

I can turn off my brain and heart, and just BE in my body.

Sometimes, it's easier to do new/riskier things when I CAN’T see.

My own ability to see/perceive things is overrated. Sometimes it actually gets in the way. 

I don't just have a heart (or head), but also a body that has its own wisdom as another center of intelligence. I CAN learn to listen to my gut.

Sometimes it's literally easier to hold my balance when my glasses are off or my eyes are closed and I let my body lead with intuition/instinct.

Sometimes, no one is paying attention to me...and that's FREEING.

I don't have to be self-conscious, worried that other people are looking at and judging me.

Sometimes (a lot of times), they're in their own world, focusing on all kinds of things other than me.

I don't have to be or look a certain way. I can just mind my own body and business and carry on, and others can do the same.

If someone looks towards me and judges me during freakin YOGA, that's THEIR issue (plus, they're probably going to literally fall over).

Other people's thoughts and opinions of me are none of my business.

Anything stand out to you?

Maybe that reaction is your body's signal that this is an important part of your own personal work.

How can you incorporate body work into your path of growing BEYOND your Enneagram type?

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

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Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Tagged: emotions, numb, self care

Quarterly Check-in!

With a notebook handy, take 10 minutes connecting with yourself (ESPECIALLY your body if you tend to be stuck in your heart or head).

Ask yourself these questions (and write them down with a timestamp!):

• What's my body highlighting about how I'm doing now?
  - What am I feeling?
  - What am I needing?
  - How can I take steps to meet those needs?
   

• What are some good things that happened since the beginning of the year?
  - What are some hard things?
   

• In the next three months, where would I like to be in one of these areas?
  - physical
  - emotional
  - mental/intellectual
  - relational
  - environmental
  - financial
  - professional
  - personal/spiritual/existential

If you're needing some extra questions or examples to guide you in this self-check-in, here's a blog I myself revisit every quarter. 

Of the eight above, the one that stands out to me personally at this time is relational. Time to reach out to my own Enneagram coach! 

Share in the comments - What is one area that's standing out to you today! What is one step you will take this week to nurture that area?

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2022 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Investing in Myself

"True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don't need to regularly escape from." [Brianna Wiest]

It is a regular rhythm of mine to sign up for 2-3 courses throughout the year for personal and/or professional development. 

In 2022, I did:

• Inner Work Retreat B - Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy

• Space Holder/Side Hustle - Marissa Lawton

• Million Dollar Year - Dow Janes

Each of these kinds of courses range from $2,000-6,000, but after taking them, this feels like chump change. 

As a firstborn daughter of an immigrant family with zero generational wealth, I've learned how to take care of my own needs myself (if at all). I've learned a lot of survival mindsets and strategies along the way, including,

• "If I don't do it, no one will - I can't rely on others."

• "I need to be on top of this, because otherwise one surprise is going to make it all crumple."

You'd be surprised as to just how this paradigm showed up in all aspects of my life - physical, emotional, psychological, relational, financial, etc.

I'm taking these courses not just because I want a certain concrete outcome, but mainly as an act of declaring that I am worth healing and nurturing, too.

I used to see the prices on these courses and think, "that's too expensive," "X is going to judge or be mad at me," or "I don't think I'm worth this much."

After many years of taking out the head trash, I am now comfortably in a place personally to build these into my annual budget. I don't have a ton of cash to just drop for random things, but I've learned to be really intentional with my time, energy, and money to make it count.

(Actually, being more anchored internally has helped me make better money/business decisions so that I DO now have cash dedicated for this without sacrificing other important things. Inner remodeling leads to external reconstruction. THIS is why I'm so obsessed with the idea of a FLOW state: minimal input, maximum impact.)

I'm not here to tell you you should "just TREAT YOSELF" by buying this and that, taking luxurious vacations that put you in further debt and stress you out the remaining 50 weeks of the year.

I am encouraging you to consider whether your small daily decisions are leading you to a vicious cycle of stress and reactivity or virtuous cycle of healing, freedom, and joy.

A one degree shift leads to MILES of change over a long period of time. Take 15 minutes sometime this week to consider:

• Are my daily decisions REACTIVE or PROACTIVE?

• What is one thing I can do this week to shift my life trajectory towards the better?

If you want some help with this, here are some resources:

• Atomic Habits (book)

• Enneagram Guide to Waking Up (book)

• Million Dollar Year (shoot me an email if you want a $100 code!)

---

What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?

Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!

Don't know your Enneagram type?

Find yours here!

What are your emotional habits?

Get the Emo Habits Guide!

Loading...

Woo hoo!!

Check your inbox for your free gift guide,

"The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types"!!

---

© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:

“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”