Are you an Enneagram Four who feels like you’re always on the outside looking in or will never be enough?
You feel deeply. Uniquely. Intuitively.
But that same depth can sometimes feel like a burden…Like no one else really gets what it’s like to be you. So you feel alone and adrift, like your fate is just to be a total (undesirable) alien to others around you.
If you're an Enneagram Type 4 (aka the Individualist or Romantic), you may be intimately familiar with…
(1) The ache of feeling fatally flawed
Living feeling aimless or lost as if there’s something inherently missing or broken inside you, whereas everyone else seem to have their shits together.
(2) Comparisonitis
Scrolling endlessly on social media, always seeing the highlights in others’ feeds while being fixated on either how your own is lackluster or just. not. good. enough.
(3) Push/pull dynamics in close relationships
CRAVING connection like nothing else but also fearing rejection, judgment, or abandonment, so you keep others at arm’s length or cut them out first before they have the chance to drop you.
(4) Emotional Flooding & Hijack
Having ALL the feels, ALL the time, then getting frustrated at yourself that you can’t just think or will your way out of them, thus being further proof that there’s (obviously) something wrong with you.
(5) Shiny Object Syndrome
Feeling excitement when chasing after new people, places, or things, only to find out that they’re dull or uninspiring (*ewww*). What are you left with but unfinished projects, disappointing vacations, or bland AF relationships?
(6) A constant (endless) hunt for meaning or intensity
Seeking for that ONE thing out there (somewhere) that might make you feel good or whole, only to find out that you’re chasing a fluttering butterfly with a broken net.
(7) Imposter Syndrome
Even when you put in 3x more effort or heart into a project or art piece, it just never feels like you’re good enough, despite outside indicators saying otherwise. Even when you get all the praise & recognition, it feels like either: (1) others must not really know you (or they’re delusional) because they think you’re good, or (2) others are untrustworthy or exploitative and they’re trying to butter you up because WANT something from you.
(8) Being “TOO _______”
Simultaneously feeling like you’re TOO much, TOO little, TOO XYZ, but never ENOUGH. Feeling like you’re always on the outskirts of what’s acceptable, and feeling like others are “IN”, whereas you’re destined to always be “OUT” — the exile, black sheep, the misfit.
Did I miss anything?
As a fellow Enneagram Four, I KNOW how it feels to be trapped between “TOO MUCH” & “Never Enoughness”,
…with all the (turbulent) fluctuation of feelings without the words to make them make sense to another human.
It FEELS crazymaking, but NO, you ain’t crazy!!
It’s just that you’re VERY specialized at what everyone else (frankly) SUCKS at — the shadowy realm of authenticity & feelings — and there hasn’t been a lot of people to bridge the gap between y’all.
No worries — I GET IT, and I GOTCHU!
I promise, there’s a rhyme & reason to all things Type 4, and YES, you can step forward without sacrificing your truth.
You deserve support that sees & honors your emotional depth and helps you move forward concretely.
When Being Authentic Becomes Exhausting
Enneagram Fours often find themselves stuck in the loop of soul-searching self-exploration, trying to fix what feels off internally before they feel like they can can move forward in life. But that perfection or satisfaction never arrives.
It’s NOT because you’re broken or wrong or doomed to be strive forever.
You just happen to have an autopilot called Enneagram Type 4 — the archetype for ALL people to:
See & connect with the Shadow — the parts of ourselves we don’t feel great about and try to hide from the world
Be connected to the full breadth & depth of emotions
Lead life from a place of authenticity, answering the question, “Who am I?”
These are all necessary experiences for all human beings — in other words, EVERYONE has Fourishness within them. It’s just that we as Enneagram Fours (myself included!) get STUCK here in Four-land, forgetting that there are eight whole other ways to see & respond to life that are actually already (readily!) available to us…
…if only we were to dial back our navelgazing and look UP & OUT.
Without Type 4-specific inner reconstruction (which is actually DIFFERENT than what we Fours *think* we need!), the result can look like:
In Your Personal Life
Feeling disconnected & lonely even in a room full of people who actually care
Getting caught up in shame spirals that keep you isolated for days or weeks
Believing no one could truly love the “real you” — that you don’t deserve goodness
In Relationships
Feeling super sensitive to criticism or disconnection
Constantly comparing yourself to others, as if you’re lesser than them (or treated as such)
Losing yourself in push-pull cycles to “protect” others from your intensity or get others to “pursue” you (to feel hurt that they didn’t pick up on the hints)
In Your Professional Life
Struggling with consistency or follow-through on the millions of passion projects you started or commitments you made
Doubting your talents, downplaying your accomplishments
Procrastinating on or preemptively disqualifying yourself from great dreams
Tired of the drama & loneliness and wanting something different for your life?
The 3 Enneagram Type 4 Subtypes:
Same Core, Different Struggles
Of the nine Enneagram types, the experiences & expressions of Type 4s are WILDLY different from each other that these subtypes may as well be their own types!
(If you’re a Self-Preservation 4 like me, you likely have gotten mistyped and wandered on someone else’s healing/growth path for some time.)
Here are the three subtypes for Type 4 based on the three instincts: Self-Preservation (SP), Social (SO), Sexual (SX) (If you don’t know what these are, don’t worry about it yet!):
Self-Preservation 4 (4SP) — the stoic workhorse
Penelope (4SP/SX, Bridgerton)
The countertype Four — the Four who doesn’t look like a Four (It’s common for 4SPs to look like Type 1, Type 2, Type 3 — hell, basically like every other type except for Type 8, but depending on our mood & social context. As authentic as we wanna be, we are still masterful shapeshifters!)
The NUMB, Shame-Driven Four
Appears stoic on the outside but feels just as deeply on the inside as Social & Sexual Fours
Withdraws away from others, and suffers silently solo
Turns pain inwards, often masking to the point where we don’t even register that we’re struggling
Tends to be melancholic and self-denying, trying to take up as little space as possible for fear of taking up too much space
Overcompensates for our shame by working 2x-5x as hard as others (while still not feeling good enough)
Can’t sit still because we “SHOULD” be helpful or productive
4SP Characters: Benedict Bridgerton (SP/SO), Penelope Featherington (SP/SX)
Social 4 (4SO) — The publicly (tragically) wounded one
Phyllis (4SO/SP, The Office) + Sadness (Inside Out)
The SAD, Shameful Four
Trapped in a vicious shame-spiral that leads to an endless black hole of feelings
Very emotionally expressive of suffering — “Woe is me”
Gets labeled as being “too much” or “too negative”
May feel exposed or rejected by groups
Craving validation & attention but fearing judgment
Difficulty following through on commitments or finishing projects (which then amplifies shame or self-loathing)
4SO Characters: Phyllis Vance (SO/SP), Nessarose (SO/SX)
Sexual 4 (4SX) — The Intense, Exceptional Elite
Miranda (SX/SP, The Devil Wears Prada)
The MAD, Shameless Four
Oscillates between judgment and shame
Struggles with envy and comparison — either they’re better or worse than others
Readily gets offended when they’re not seen as exceptional or aren’t chosen (even if they don’t particularly want the attention from those parties)
Can be very judgmental, elitist, or arrogant, while feeling fully justified in seeing themselves as better and others as worse
4SX Characters: Miranda Priestly (SX/SP), Loki (SX/SO)
No matter your Enneagram 4 subtype, you're welcome here — with all your complexities, contradictions, and craving for depth. You’re allowed to be both emotionally rich AND practically supported in ways that fit YOUR uniqueness.
Book a 1:1 session to see what healing looks like for you!
Why Coaching (Not Just Therapy) May Be Exactly What Enneagram Fours Need
Don’t get me wrong — therapy can help Enneagram Fours:
Untangle the emotional knots of the past
Work through old traumas
Set & create boundaries with emotionally insensitive or toxic people
However, precisely because therapy is a very Four-ish space, many Fours might actually mistake the emotional focus & validation in therapy as a permanent refuge AWAY from their everyday life and accidentally reinforce the bars of their Type 4 cage that keeps us trapped in the patterns listed above.
Sometimes, what we FEEL we need (i.e., more feelings) is the very thing that keeps us STUCK, and what we feel we DON’T need (i.e., more ACTION) is the LAST thing we wanna do.
Medicine isn’t always sweet, and sometimes we need to do the dreaded thing — for our highest and best interest in the long run.
At a certain point in our growth path, Enneagram 4s might actually benefit from action-oriented, future-focused coaching that interrupts the spiral of introspection and instead practically builds a different future that you DON’T have to escape from into fantasy.
Enneagram Coaching offers:
Concrete forward momentum when you're stuck in what COULD’VE BEEN, SHOULD’VE BEEN, or COULD BE
Creative strategies to work WITH your emotional depth, not against it
Gentle accountability to help you take real steps toward your goals (no judgment from me — I want to come alongside & support you, instead of telling you what to do!)
A mirror that reflects your true self that’s clouded by the Type 4 counterfeit version of authenticity
Unlike Enneagram Therapy (which btw, I can’t legally provide to people outside the state of California), Enneagram Coaching works with you on YOUR dreams, YOUR strengths, and YOUR pacing.
Enneagram Therapy or Coaching — Start with a 1:1 Session
Whether you're navigating heartbreak, relationship drama, creative burnout, or an identity crisis, you don't have to do it alone! Work with someone who knows your patterns inside & out, without you struggling to put your intuitive dynamics into words!
Struggling with emotional triggers or intimacy issues in your relationships because you were hurt in the past? Brainspotting is a powerful trauma therapy that helps you release past wounds stored in the body—so you can clearly see and effectively attend to each new person and moment clearly for what it is, instead of what your old trauma ghosts tell you they are.