You’re not “too sensitive” —you’re just finally noticing that it’s not supposed to feel like this.
You’re the one who always holds it together.
You think & feel deeply, and can’t NOT care — even when it’s killing you inside.
You’re probably the one people go to when they’re falling apart.
But where do you go when you’re emotionally shredded from a lifetime of being the caring, comforting, reliable one?
Maybe it started in your family, where love came with strings attached and you had to grow up — FAST.
Maybe you’re still in a relationship where their silence screams louder than words and you’re left constantly second-guessing your worth (or even your sanity).
Maybe you're only just now realizing that your “normal” wasn’t ever healthy — it’s just all you’ve known, and you have no idea what relationships are supposed to be like.
Maybe you even feel like this kind of devastating treatment is all you deserve.
If this sounds familiar, you’re definitely not overreacting or crazy.
You’re not “too much” — you’re just carrying WAY more than you (or anyone else) is supposed to hold.
You’re waking up to patterns that were never meant to be yours in the first place.
And it’s totally okay to want something different now.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship doesn’t always look like yelling or chaos or broken skin. Sometimes it shows up as silence. Guilt. Confusion. Obligation that leaves you exhausted. Or an invisible weight that follows you around long after a conversation ends.
Toxic relationships — whether with family members, partners, workplaces, or even spiritual communities — can chip away at your sense of self over time, especially when emotional abuse or manipulation is involved.
Some people don’t really want a relationship. They want control. A dumping ground. A punching bag. A host body to suck dry of all nutrients.
…and you just might have been their latest victim taking on their chaos, externalized shame, and projections.
Examples of toxic relationship patterns
Guilt-tripping (“After everything I’ve done for you…”)
Silent treatment or stonewalling
Gaslighting (“That never happened — you’re imagining things.”)
Love bombing (lavish expressions of care in the beginning, to be followed by sudden emotional outbursts and/or withdrawals as punishment)
Manipulation, martyrdom, & self-victimization (“Of course you would rather spend time with your friends…I’m a terrible mother who completely ruined your life.”)
People with narcissistic, sociopathic, or borderline traits who weaponize your empathy
You might have told yourself:
“They’re like this because they had a hard childhood.”
“I just need to be more patient or understanding of them. I need to love them harder.”
“They’re so stressed when I’m not around.”
You really matter, and so I’m gonna pop this bubble —
People like them completely clock out and mooch off your emotional labor.
And they really don’t care, NOT because you’re bad or unworthy, but because they just. don’t. care.
Conscientious, caring, and responsible types including:
Empaths and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
Enneagram 1s, 2s, 4s, and 9s
Caregiving or helping professionals
…often assume others are wired just like them — generous, thoughtful, empathic, and attuned.
The truth is — not everyone is actually naturally compassionate & caring like we are. And it’s not always because of their trauma.
Some people are just self-absorbed assholes who are really looking for someone else to do the heavy lifting for them.
And the longer you give them the benefit of the doubt, the more you bleed out.
I See You Because I AM You
I'm not just a therapist — I’m a firstborn daughter of Korean immigrants who also grew up in the Church as a DEEPLY closeted queer kid, even becoming a pastor…until I discovered a big church family secret.
I KNOW firsthand the crushing weight of internalized guilt & shame, the kind that tells you:
“You're selfish if you rest.”
“You need to be productive or help others to earn love or goodness.”
“Your feelings are burdening others, so you need to keep them under wraps.”
“You need to just…be someone else.”
“When bad things happen, it’s because YOU’RE bad.”
I hyperfunctioned in school and rose the ranks of church leadership, having absorbed the lies of toxic Christianity, picking up the emotional slack of what a lot of “holier than thou” spiritual leaders did NOT take self-responsibility for.
When others don’t do their fucking work, they expect the responsible ones to carry the load.
They bank on YOUR guilt, YOUR heartstrings, YOUR work ethic, YOUR over-responsibility, and YOUR inability to just walk away.
The reason I recognize signs of toxic relationship in others is because I myself have had to untangle all of that in my own life.
This is 95% of the work I do with my clients — to help them rediscover their inherent worth & lovability that’s been buried under DECADES of other people’s bullshit.
You’ve really been through it, and no — you’re not being too sensitive or too much.
I respect you so much that I wanna cut the crap and give you the REAL stuff, because you deserve deep, true healing from the inside out and relationships that honor ALL of who you are.
Ready to clear out OTHER people’s toxic bullshit out of your life?
Generational Trauma: What Your Family Didn’t Heal, You Inherited
If you're the child of immigrants or come from a lineage shaped by addiction, mental illness, or survival mode, you’ve likely carried burdens that were never yours.
This is generational trauma — when the pain, fear, and coping mechanisms of past generations live on in your body, your relationships, and your nervous system.
These traumas show up later in life — including dating/marriage, parenting, or your career — in ways that either make hard things worse or actually create problems.
You might be:
The Third Parent who had to take care of your siblings
The Peacekeeper who absorbed everyone’s emotions or orchestrated other people’s relationships
The Fixer who never got to have needs of your own
The Jokester who relieved pressure in the family by cracking fun or causing mischief
The Lost Child who rarely got focused attention because others were “shinier” or “messier”
Signs of Relationship Trauma in Present Day
Toxic relationships don’t just ruin your past. They might show up in your body, emotions, and relationships today in the form of:
Chronic anxiety, shame, guilt, or numbness
Autoimmune issues or unexplained health flare-ups
Difficulty trusting yourself or others
Perfectionism and self-criticism
People-pleasing and resentment
Aversion to resting & enjoying life (“When’s the other shoe going to drop?”)
Burnout that won’t go away, no matter how much you rest (not just tired, but WEARY)
When your feelings seem either disproportionate or unrelated to what you’re currently going through, that might be a sign that you have some festering old wounds to heal.
These are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL situations. You're not messed up or broken. These are trauma responses from living in unsafe or invalidating emotional environments. Your nervous system did what it had to do to survive.
But now? You might still be wearing old, heavy armor even through you’re actually in peacetime, thinking that everyone else is either an enemy or bleeding victim.
No, you’re not crazy for having these random feelings even though you KNOW life and relationships are 1000% better today.
It’s just that your body might have a hard time telling the difference between the past, present, & future because you DID go through the unimaginable.
You're allowed to want more than just getting by. It’s time for you to finally release yourself from the past so that you can fully live in the present and envision your brilliant future.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): What Was Missing Still Hurts
It’s easier for us to see & acknowledge the PRESENCE of a BAD thing (abuse) than the ABSENCE of a GOOD thing (neglect).
Even more so when the good thing that’s missing is in the abstract realm of feelings vs. the practical or material realm (food, shelter, clothing, finances).
Most of the people I work with had parents who provided for practical need, but not emotional attunement or comfort. These are the same clients who say things like,
““I had a good childhood and great parents — I never struggled with not having enough food, and they made sure I got a good education. My parents also never yelled at me and weren’t abusive. I just don’t know why I feel the way I do — like I’m both not good enough and too much.””
Dr. Jonice Webb calls this Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): when your feelings were ignored, minimized, or never talked about — for whatever reason.
The reasons for why you never got your emotional needs met aren’t as important as THAT you didn’t get them met, because sometimes life deals us a rough hand in the form of:
A Workaholic Parent
A Permissive Parent
A Parent with Addiction
A Parent with a Special Needs Family Member
A Bereaved Parent — divorced or widowed
A Sociopathic or Narcissistic Parent
A Permissive Parent
An Achievement/Perfection-focused Parent
An Authoritarian Parent
A Depressed Parent
A Well-Meaning but Emotionally-Neglected-Themselves Parent
The results of emotional neglect can be just as harmful as physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse. The kicker is that emotional neglect is a wound that so hard to heal because you don’t even know it exists or know of the alternatives.
Emotional Neglect is often most discerned by its effects:
Alexithymia – struggling to name or understand your feelings
Low self-worth – constantly questioning if you're enough
Burnout – always being the “responsible one” until you crash
Resentment — having negative feelings towards others (and then feeling guilty because you feel “bad” feelings)
Boundary issues — saying yes when your whole body actually means no
Dissociation — not being tuned into your body enough to receive its signals
You might not be able to point to one moment that “caused it” because there isn’t one. Emotional neglect is the accumulation of being emotionally invisible or disconnected for years.
Sound like you? Let me help you heal those invisible wounds!
Spiritual Abuse: When Your Sincere Faith is Used Against You
Spiritual abuse can be subtle but devastating. It happens when beliefs, scriptures, or leaders are used to manipulate, shame, or control — because who can defy someone who acts in the name of God?
If you've ever been told something like:
“God hates those who don’t forgive.”
“Why are you being stingy with your time and money? Don’t be selfish. The Bible says…”
“Don’t question me — who do you think you are?”
“You need to obey your leaders because God chose them.”
…you might carry deep confusion, fear, or guilt around your intuition, your body, and your voice.
Anything (even sacred things) can be weaponized in the hands of people who don’t do their own personal work. That they call themselves Agents of God is irrelevant — their fruit reveals their character.
All abuse is about wielding power in ways that harm others. The wider that power gap, the greater the potential for abuse and harm.
In many ways, spiritual organizations can operate similarly to families — there can be hierarchies, favoritism, guilt-tripping, manipulation, and blurred boundaries. Roles like the favorite “Golden Child”, the rebel “Black Sheep”, and the Benevolent Parent can be established to make each person either GOOD or BAD so that the dysfunction can continue.
The main exception is that in spiritual entities, the final authority is GOD (or whatever power we give away to the idea of God), so it is extremely difficult (if not downright impossible) for anyone to push back against the misuse of power. Often, the only way out of that toxic relationship is EXILE — being thrown out of the community or leaving in secret.
Ready to do spiritual detox, reclaim your inner authority & power, and learn to trust yourself?
Struggling with emotional triggers or intimacy issues in your relationships because you were hurt in the past? Brainspotting is a powerful trauma therapy that helps you release past wounds stored in the body—so you can clearly see and effectively attend to each new person and moment clearly for what it is, instead of what your old trauma ghosts tell you they are.